Finding Happiness

Finding Happiness at Work

The latest research in maintaining the good life. The workplace plays an important role in most of our lives. We spend a lot of time there, we navigate relationships with other people and our livelihood can bring meaning and purpose to our lives. Needless to say, a happier work environment means a happier life. Here are a few work-related studies to help you manage your work life. Avoid the Burn Millennials are more likely to report feelings of burnout in the workplace than any other generation. According to Gallup, nearly 30 percent of millennials say they are burned out often and 70 percent experience some form of burnout. Now representing 35 percent of the U.S. workforce, millennials have become the largest working generation, according to the Pew Research Center. This burnout factor can present a real problem for employers, leading to more employee absences and disengagement. In order to keep a happier work environment, Gallup suggests letting managers work more like coaches to give proper feedback, make sure employees are connecting with the organization’s overarching purpose and offer a flexible work environment with a certain level of autonomy. Be Nice for the Kids In a recent study on workplace incivility, researchers conducted a survey of 146 working moms. The women who reported rude behavior at work, such as experiencing derogatory statements or a co-worker stealing credit, were more likely to be stricter and more authoritarian to their children at home. Rude behavior at the workplace is also associated with feelings of ineffective parenting at home. This displaced anger could lead to overcompensation on disciplinary action. Researchers contend that this style of negative parenting may lead to negative outcomes for the child. Shake It Off Recent research published in the Journal of Occupational Health Psychology found that taking a break to clear your mind after a tough day at work may lead to a better night’s sleep. When we encounter negative experiences, we tend to ruminate on those situations which can lead to health risks, such as insomnia, cardiovascular disease and high blood pressure. Researchers found that the people who could let go of the mental anguish were more likely to use activities such as yoga, music or a nature walk to calm down. These behaviors also translated to more restful sleep. Wrong Side of the Bed If you wake up in the morning already anticipating stress, then you might torpedo your whole day, according to a recent study from Penn State University. The study also found that starting the day with this negative mindset can affect your working memory, which could lead to forgetfulness, negative performance and a downright foul mood. To help work through some of that stress, Jinshil Hyun from PSU’s Department of Human Development and Family Studies suggests mindfulness-based meditation or submersing yourself in nature to find calm in your inner space. “Considering it was stress anticipation in the morning, not prior night’s anticipatory stress, that was harmful to your working memory,” she adds, “trying these stress-reducing activities in the morning would be a way to curb the harm from anticipating stress.”
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GLOW star Britney Young; Netflix

The Empowered Britney Young

It’s hard not to notice Britney Young’s glowing positivity on screen in Netflix’s breakout comedy series GLOW. Playing the role of Carmen “Machu Picchu” Wade, Britney demonstrates her character’s power and strength when faced with adversity as well as her kindness and compassion for friends in need. GLOW, which stands for Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, is loosely based off the real ’80s wrestling program of the same name. The show is a behind-the-scenes portrayal of how the struggling organization scratched, clawed and body slammed its way into mainstream popular culture. Britney, who does all of her own stunts, hopes that when people watch GLOW, they will find that the story is really about confidence, inspiration and acceptance. What is the most important message that you hope people learn from your performance on GLOW? I hope that people take away a sense of empowerment. I know that GLOW has helped me to realize there are things that I am able to do that I didn’t even know were possible. I hope audiences are inspired to break down their own barriers and go after things they have always been dreaming of, or have been afraid of attempting. Because once those boundaries are broken, anything is possible. Who taught you the most about happiness and why? I feel like everyone in my life has taught me about being happy, in one way or another. But honestly, I think learning to be happy is something you have to figure out for yourself. It takes getting to know yourself, your likes and your dislikes, to really understand what makes you happy. I can confidentially say that I am a happy person, but I am still learning about who I am. So, I know that as I get on in years I will find new things that make me happy. Happiness is an ever-changing state, and I am excited to experience it all. I actually have a personal motto to laugh once a day, dance once a day, sing once a day." What is the kindest act someone has ever done for you? That’s a tough one. I think one that comes to mind is actually the most recent act of kindness I experienced. My 30th birthday was earlier this summer, and my sister and I went for a hike. When we got home there were balloons tied to my front door and my mailbox was overflowing with birthday cards. I had gotten 17 cards, a card from each one of the GLOW girls and Marc (Maron). It was so heartwarming, I immediately started crying and was very touched. And I was extremely surprised because I am usually the organizer of our group birthdays, so they totally pulled a fast one on me. What are you passionate about? I am passionate about a wide range of things. I am passionate about film and television; I am a huge bookworm; I love traveling and learning the histories of new places and cultures. I love music and dancing. As I get older, I am finding that I am becoming very passionate about my close relationships with others. I am still finding out new things about my parents and siblings, as they are all very fascinating, amazing people. How do you make others close to you happy? I like to believe that I make people close to me happy by being kind and supportive. I am always there to lend a helping hand or listen when someone needs to chat it out. I truly believe in treating others as you want to be treated. So, I always like to have a positive relationship with others that’s built on honesty and respect. What do you do to pay it forward? I am a very verbally communicative person, so I feel that I pay it forward by letting people know how much I appreciate them and by thanking them for the things they do. When is the last time you laughed out loud? When am I not laughing out loud? I love to laugh. I actually have a personal motto to laugh once a day, dance once a day, sing once a day. It’s just something I do that helps to keep me in a happy and positive mood. Where is your happy place? DISNEYLAND! I know, cliché, it’s known as the happiest place on Earth. But I am a huge Disney fan and have been since I was really little. The park is a very nostalgic place to me, where I can really just let loose, laugh and have fun. I know I probably had breakdowns at the park when I was a kid coming down from a sugar high, but all the times I have gone as an adult I have always had a huge smile on my face the entire time.
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Group of people sharing news with each other

The Science of Sharing Good News

Take a glimpse into the world of positive psychology withThe Flourishing CenterPodcast. Each episode is divided into three sections giving you insights into living an authentic happy and flourishing life. What you'll learn in this podcast: Science Says—A new study in the Journal of Social and Personality Psychology delves into the benefits of sharing good news not just for the sharer, but also for the receiver. LifeHack—How to harness the power of good news to boost positive emotions and strengthen relationships. Practitioner’s Corner—Meet Dimple Mukherjee, a world citizen, occupational therapist and coach who brings women together for self-care and discovery. Learn more aboutThe Flourishing Center
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Find the Good

Find the Good: A Gritty Raccoon Gives Us All Hope

In our daily lives, it’s so easy to focus on what’s not right—burned toast at breakfast, the slow leak in your car’s back tire, that looming project deadline at work that defies progress. Positive psychologists say it’s our innate negativity bias—built in to help us ward off threats to life and limb—that makes it so easy to worry or stress about challenges large and small. Yet one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my five years building Live Happy—and many more before that—is that living a rich, happy and fulfilling life is about looking for, appreciating and savoring what’s good in our world and investing the time and effort to make those things even better. So, this month I launch my new blog, “Find the Good,” where I share a few high points from our readers, partners and recent news reports. The Critter Grit Award Goes to… The #mprraccoon! In case you missed it, this tenacious 2-year-old female raccoon scaled a St. Paul, Minnesota, high-rise building in June after maintenance workers tried to lure her from a ledge about 20 feet above the ground. Her death-defying 25-story climb to the top caught the attention of Minnesota Public Radio reporter Tim Nelson, who gave a name and a cause to the critter who would just not stop, except for brief adorable pauses with her whiskers squished up against office windows. The Minnesota publication mspmag.com collected the best tweets from her viral adventure, including this one that spoke for us all. And this very concerned Tweet from actress Debra Messing. Fortunately, all appeared to end well, with #mprraccoon enjoying a bowl of stinky cat food on top of the world and eventually being released into a nearby private residential property. Fighting Crime on the Streets of London You can’t make this stuff up. Would you believe Sherlock Holmes actor Benedict Cumberbatch and his Uber driver leapt to the defense of a food delivery bicyclist getting pummeled by four muggers? Just around the corner from Baker Street, even. It was “surreal,” according to the Uber driver in this U.K. news article. “They tried to hit him [Benedict] but he defended himself and pushed them away,” the driver recounted. “He wasn’t injured. Then I think they also re­cognized it was Be­ne­dict and ran away.” No bullying allowed on Benedict’s watch, which puts him firmly in our category of Happiness Hero. As Matthieu Ricard says in this excerpt from his new book, In Search of Wisdom, “Don’t blame yourself for not doing what is beyond your strength, but do reproach yourself for turning away when you can do something.” Mental Health Awareness I highly recommend this brave series on mental health from Live Happy columnist and best-selling Profit From the Positive author Margaret Greenberg. Even though May is mental health month, it’s clear from watching the news and depression statistics that these insights are valuable and needed every day. Here areParts I,II,III, IV, and V. Please comment or share and help end the stigma. It’s Lonely at the Top “Leaders are overwhelmed, distracted and desperate for answers,” says Amy Blankson, best-selling author of The Future of Happiness: Five Modern Strategies for Balancing Productivity and Well-Being in the Digital Era. If you’re one of those leaders, sign up now for Amy’s TechWell Retreat September 27–28 in Midway, Utah. Redesign your digital life to allow moments of peace and balance—Amy will show you how! We Will Rock You Was the mass celebration from the game-winning goal in the Mexico vs. Germany World Cup match enough to cause a mini man-made earthquake in Mexico City as reported on social media? While I’d like to think so, scientists are doubtful, according to livescience.com. It also warms my heart to see all the amazing team spirit throughout the World Cup, most notably fans from Senegal and Japan helping to clean up their sections of the stadium after matches. Keep looking for the good, and you’ll find it!
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Learn to Journal

How to Start and Keep a Journal

I’ve kept a journal since I was in third grade. I started with a diary that had a tiny lock and key. Back then I used to grade my days. “Today was terrible. My parents made me eat eggs. Someone at school said I look like Pippi Longstocking. Today is a D.” I moved on to notebooks of all different sizes and designs. For every entry, I filled page after page with my chicken-scratch handwriting until I felt better. Like a genie going back inside her bottle, opening a notebook and writing felt like an escape for me. A journal can be a friend, a secret-keeper, a form of meditation or a therapy session. Science also backs up the therapeutic and health benefits of keeping a journal. James Pennebaker, Ph.D., a psychologist and a leading expert on journaling, says expressive writing—putting words to our painful experiences—can strengthen immunity, decrease anxiety, lessen depression and improve relationships. His research shows that writing about emotional upheavals can even help us heal. I credit journaling combined with talk therapy for overcoming painful moments in my past, and the solace and power of writing has stuck with me as an adult. Now I grab my journal to recharge. I write until I feel a renewed sense of clarity and peace wash over me. Blank pages can unravel challenges and provide comfort. Writing is how I think. Experiencing all the benefits firsthand, I often recommend journaling to others. It’s typically met with, “I want to, but I wouldn’t know what to write.” If journaling doesn’t come naturally to you, but you’d like to reap its benefits, here are some ways to get started. Just Write Write whatever comes to your mind. Turn off the perfectionist and silence the 10th-grade English teacher who lives in your head. Keep it private and tell yourself your notebook is just for you. Then, start putting your thoughts on paper. Stream of consciousness writing can help you connect with who you truly are and what is going on with you at your core. Write to identify or solve a problem. Write to vent. Write to connect with yourself, hear your inner voice and make sure your life is in alignment with your values. Journal to Start a Gratitude Practice Simply writing down three things you are grateful for each day can shift your perspective and make you a happier person. It’s also simple to do. You’ll notice more of what you enjoy because you are training your brain to seek the positive. Your well-being is also likely to improve, as positive psychology founder Martin Seligman, Ph.D., has found in his research. Gratitude has a compound effect. Soon you will have a journal filled with positive thoughts. Write to Heal James encourages people to write about emotionally turbulent experiences because truth-telling heals. There is power in sharing your story. Put words to a painful time or event in your life and watch how the process of sharing your story—even to yourself—can have a transformative effect on your life. Writing can help you think with clarity by filtering out all the noise around you. Let Journaling Evolve With You I don’t plow through journals like I used to anymore. I semi-jokingly tell my husband he’s my journal now. (Poor guy.) With young kids, a husband and a career, I don’t have as much time to journal these days. I use one hardbound journal for an entire calendar year. I may use it for stream-of-consciousness writing when I need to, but now it is more of an everything journal. I use my journal to capture and savor gratitude. I jot down funny things my twin girls say. I use my journal to capture pearls of wisdom from books, experts, podcasts and magazines. I write favorite quotes. I even track my weight and fitness goals. Let your journal work with your life. Let your writing flow in a way that resonates with you. There are numerous ways to keep a journal. Experience how journaling can be life-changing for you.
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Mentorship between two women

Change the World, Be a Mentor

Welcome, Happy Activists! A Happy Activist is someone who, through kind words and intentional actions, strives to make the world a better place. Live Happy invites you to join our #HappyActs movement! On the 20th of each month, we encourage everyone to incorporate kindness into your daily lives by participating in each month’s planned activity. The more who join the #HappyActs movement, the more positive impact we'll all have on our homes, workplaces and communities. What you think and do matters! July’s theme is connection.Studies suggesteach positive interaction you have bolsters your cardiovascular, neuro-endocrine and immune systems, so the more connections you make over time, the better you function. Our July 20 Happy Act is to be a mentor to someone. Meet our Happy Activist of the month, Megan Knoebel, who is a Big Sister as part of the Big Brothers Big Sisters program in Texas. 3 Steps on How to Prepare for a Happy Act: Researchwhat charitable opportunities are near you. Contactthe organization and discuss how you can help. Plana time to go volunteer and/or determine what you can donate. Learn more: 33 Ideas on Leadership. We love No. 13! Volunteer as a mentor in your area of professional expertise. Many universities or civic organizations can help pair you up. Empower the Next Generation. Victor Palomares, known to many as the Kindergarten CEO, uses humor to inspire and empower teens to make smart decisions. “Stop trying to impress your friends. They aren’t thinking about you. They are thinking about themselves,” Victor says. Give Back According to Your Strengths. Are you a savvy businessperson or entrepreneur? Mark Victor Hansen, co-author of theChicken Soup for the Soulseries, came up with a twist on tithing: Instead of giving away 10 percent of your money, he suggests giving 10 percent of your fantasticbusiness ideasto nonprofits. Inspire Family Members: Harry Connick Jr. learned to be authentic and to always help others in need from his parents. What lessons do you want to share with your children and grandchildren? The Slight Edge to Happiness: Listen to our podcast with author Jeff Olson on Live Happy Now. 6 Tools To Help Children Develop Coping Skills: Your mind flows when sparked by high-quality energy and personal motivation. The two go hand-in-hand. When they do, you feel “lit.” Connect Better With Co-Workers Professor Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D, from the University of North Carolina, has discovered it takes just a micro-moment of connection to create an upward spiral of mutual care and companionate love between colleagues. Her research suggests three simple steps. First, share positive emotions, like interest, joy, amusement, awe or pride. Secondly, synchronize your biochemistry and behaviors through shared eye contact with the person or matching your body gestures or vocal tone to create a moment of positivity resonance. This causes both brains to light up like a mirror of each other. And finally, invest in a reflective motive to invest in each other’s well-being that brings about mutual care. Additional resources: Big Brothers Big Sisters Love 2.0: Finding Happiness and Health in Moments of Connection Steve & Marjorie Harvey Foundation Momentous Institute Profit from the Positive
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Solitude and silence

The Power of Silence

In an increasingly loud and stressful world, more people are discovering the benefits and power of silence. Quiet pauses throughout the day can connect us, ease our minds and put us in touch with ourselves. Experts agree that we need to choose to make silence a part of our lives. Maybe it’s by taking a moment to remember a loved one, waking up before the sun rises or replacing a noisy time of day with a calming break. “Silence can benefit us if we use it wisely,” says Julie Potiker, a mindfulness expert and author of the new book, Life Falls Apart, But You Don’t Have To: Mindful Methods for Staying Calm in the Midst of Chaos. “If we allow the quiet to slow us down and open us up to what is there in our environment—a dog barking, a bird chirping—it means focusing attention on what you are hearing, which can stop your mind from ruminating and worrying.” Give Your Brain a Break Too much stimulation and noise coming at us without a break can be overwhelming. Make a conscious choice to put your phone down and decide how you will use the silence, Julie says. “It’s hard to make the time to enjoy quiet. We need to carve out quiet time for our mental health. Use the quiet to allow your mind to slow down,” Julie says. “If you are using the quiet time to worry and ruminate—which is what the primate brain is wired to do when we are not engaged in a task—that’s not helpful and it will make things worse.” Choose something positive to direct your attention and stop any negative loop, she suggests. Julie recommends trying a technology blackout for an hour or two on a specific day of the weekend. “See how it feels and if you love it—and I bet you will—you can extend the time until you eventually have a day without technology.” For parents with small kids, Julie suggests taking some quiet time when the kids are asleep. She also recommends guided meditation. While it’s not silence, a guided meditation is especially helpful for those who struggle with negative monkey mind. “Pop in the earbuds and follow the voice for a beautiful break for your brain.” Sukey and Elizabeth Novogratz, authors of the book Just Sit: A Meditation Guide for People Who Know They Should But Don’t, encourage people to take time each day for reflection. Silence isn’t just about the absence of noise, it’s about getting yourself to slow down. “We know the world would be a kinder place if we all slowed down and sat each day, and everyone on this planet could benefit from meditation,” Elizabeth says. Meditation doesn’t have to be a complicated practice, and their book gives straightforward tips to make it easy for everyone. Five Benefits of Silence It helps us live consciously. According to psychologists and philosophers alike, silence can wake us up and provide meaningful answers in our lives. Silence can give us a gentle nudge to let us know if something doesn’t feel right by putting us in touch with our body and our emotions. The psychological benefits of experiencing silence—even when it makes us uncomfortable—can mean more purposeful living. Silence can increase self-awareness, self-compassion and improve decision-making skills with improved mental clarity. Use it to become more mindful and self-compassionate. “Mindfulness is the first step in emotional healing,” Julie says. “It’s being able to turn toward and acknowledge our difficult thoughts and feelings—such as inadequacy, sadness, anger or confusion—with a spirit of openness and curiosity. Self-compassion involves responding to these difficult thoughts and feelings with kindness, sympathy and understanding so that we soothe and comfort ourselves when we’re hurting. Research has shown that self-compassion greatly enhances emotional well-being. It boosts happiness, reduces anxiety and depression, and can even help maintain healthy lifestyle habits such as diet and exercise. Being both mindful and compassionate leads to greater ease and well-being in our daily lives.” It can enhance conversations. By choosing silence, you will naturally listen more and others have the opportunity to share more—enhancing your relationships.   It’s a tool for increased emotional regulation. Silence can be the space between a feeling and a response. Take a silent pause and choose your response calmly and wisely. It gets better with practice. If silence is something you rarely get or even fear it a little—lean toward activities that help you practice. Try a yoga class. Listen to nature radio. Drive with the radio off. Sit on your deck or porch in the morning and take in the quiet and stillness. When you go to bed, use the silence to get calm or listen to it raining outside. Let silence help you wander through happy memories or list what you are grateful for in your life right now. Buy some noise-canceling headphones. Ask your family to support you with a 15-minute break for silence. Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu once said, “Silence is a source of great strength.” Taking the time for silence sends yourself the message that you are worth hearing. Honor your life by practicing silence regularly.
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Youth Soccer Team, Positive Coaching

Be a Positive Coach

If you have played any sport in your life, you have most likely witnessed a red-faced coach hurling angry, saliva-laden directives (and sometimes even chairs) from the sidelines. Cue Bobby Knight. But what if a positive approach rather than a negative and intimidating tone could get more out of the athlete? Matthew Scholes, an advocate of using the tenets of positive psychology in youth sports, is using science-based research to build a better coaching system within youth sports in Australia. He has been researching, developing and implementing positive sports coaching with schools and professional sports teams in Australia and New Zealand since 2011. The idea behind positive sports coaching is to use positive feedback and praise that simultaneously improves athletic performance and boosts mental well-being. This approach will not only benefit the athlete, but the coach, too, leaving both mentally prepared for the stress of competitive sports. A Different Kind of Coaching “Positive Sports Coaching isn’t about just saying everything is good,” Matthew says. “It is about specific and real feedback that is balanced and focuses on developing the athlete’s strengths as well as their weaknesses. Coaches are encouraged to keep a record of specific things the young athletes do well and feed this back to the athletes.” For example, Billy’s soccer coach, instead of just yelling, “great play!” on the field, follows up with an explanation and further encouragement. “Billy, I noticed your excellent on-the-spot decision-making to pass to Jeff, who had a shot at scoring when you didn’t. It’s that kind of big-picture awareness and leadership that will help our team rise to the top in the tournament next week.” Part of Matthew’s work is explaining to coaches how much their words and actions matter. In some cases, coaches may be the most influential adult figure in a young person’s life, Matthew explains. With our built-in negativity bias, it is easy for coaches to focus on the negative aspects, such as a player missing a catch or a goal. Negativity carries more weight than positivity, leaving coaches blinded to all the good things that are happening. For an impressionable young athlete who hasn’t fully developed his emotional intelligence, the negative feedback can have a powerful and lasting impact and can send the wrong message. Matthew believes that when coaches focus on strengths instead of weaknesses, they are rewiring their brains to spot the good. Making Real Impact In a recent study using a positive intervention of only focusing on strengths conducted at the Bunbury Cathedral Grammar School in Southwest Australia, researchers found an increase in athlete engagement, greater athlete resilience and a better understanding of athletes’ abilities from the coaches. Some feedback from coaches included a noticeable improvement, especially with the weaker players, and perseverance in situations that would have previously resulted in failure. From that same study, Matthew also saw girls particularly benefited in the area of negative affect, or poor self-concept. It is his theory that girls have to endure more negative messages from the outside world than boys. For example, women are still underrepresented in sports and often face objectification over talent. When the girls experienced coaching on their strengths, they excelled with more confidence in how they view themselves. The Whole System Model In order for it all to work, there must be a whole system approach, or what David Cooperrider, Ph.D., refers to as an appreciative inquiry approach. According to Matthew, this must include not only the coaches and the students, but schools and parents as well to ensure positive outcomes and thriving individuals. “I am confident that coaching young people in a manner that is positive and developmental has significant benefits to the individual athlete—social, mental health and sporting performance—the coach (team performance, well-being and confidence) and to society with sport having the opportunity to impact the well-being of the next generation of young people.” Positive results have been preliminary so far, but Matthew hopes that the continued use of positive sports coaching will further lead to better grades, improved health and stronger relationships. He is expected to release more results at the 2019 International Positive Psychology Association’s Sixth World Congress.
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Father's Day

The Best Father’s Day Gift

Every holiday—just like every day—is an opportunity to nurture relationships. The way you experience others in the present is largely guided by information your mind processes from your past, present and even your future, all of which you associate with and bring to bear upon present moments. This processing has profound effects. It shapes what you think, feel and do. And this largely determines the outcome of events. Such mental activity occurs mostly under your radar and at very high speed, in just milliseconds. Acting mostly on automatic pilot, this processing is evolution’s answer to the overwhelming amount of information streaming at us all day long. By the time you get an idea of how you will act in a given situation, you are likely already in motion, for better or worse. Most of us just go through the day and do what we do, not giving it much thought. And that’s usually fine with us, especially if things are going well. But as soon as plans and behaviors start going awry, we get antsy. All experiences are not equal. Some of the usual places your mind can go are: To old memories of similar moments and your responses to those; to old emotional files that merge with the details of your present situation and also to related future expectations. One of the best gifts you can give dad on Father’s Day is to preload your mind with patterns that generate more closeness, joy and peace. Behavioral and emotional patterns will emerge. The more each behavior has been repeated in your past, the more predictably and powerfully a similar situation will ignite it in the present. This is why you hear people say things like, “I always have a slow, long breakfast on holidays,” or say, “We always wind up quarreling on the holidays, then making up and then trying to make what’s the best of the remainder of the day.” The truth is, the mind will repeat a pattern over and over until it gets the message that you want to do things differently. It’s not much different than when you choose to sit in a certain spot in your favorite restaurant or say the same thing, word for word, when someone asks, “How are you?” But sometimes you want more control and a better, more meaningful pattern. One of the best gifts you can give dad on Father’s Day is to preload your mind with patterns that generate more closeness, joy and peace. A nice way to do this is to clean out old dysfunctional reactions and replace them with warmer, kinder ones. Use these guidelines to build more positive moments into Father’s Day—and every day. Energy Bites for Father’s Day: DON’T Use devices too much. Try to have a “mostly” device-free day and go for more organic family and personal time. Your mind and body and relationships will be glad you did. Let unwanted memories invade your day. You can start to identify some of the usual invaders the night before. Then tell yourself that when they arise the next day you’ll be ready for them and not allow them entry. Plan a positive response instead so it will kick in when you need it. DO Take a small day trip to a place where you and Dad have had special moments in the past. Remember good times. Tell stories or look at photo albums together. Say something loving. Take time to savor the positive details of the day. Listen often without having to respond. Find something—a conversation or common sports interest—to build on later. Create pockets of peace and quiet and soak it all in.
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Runners touching sneakers as a group

The Unloneliness of the Long-Distance Runner

The common image of runners is captured in the title of Alan Sillitoe’s short story “The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner.” In this view, runners are solitary figures who neither need nor want company. Certainly many runners, including me, cherish the chance running offers to spend time alone with our thoughts. But, like the observation that runners never smile, the idea that being a runner means being lonely is mostly made by those who don’t run. High-quality camaraderie is more the norm, thanks to group runs, pre- and post-work meetups with one or two friends, road races and other bond-producing activities that are part of the fabric of running. You want lonely? Spend most of your waking hours flitting among social media feeds and working a job where more than small talk is rare. The relationship of loneliness to mental-health issues, especially depression, is well established. The American Psychological Association lists social isolation as a risk factor for depression. Loneliness and depression can feed off each other, as a lack of energy or interest in activities keeps you homebound. Excusing yourself from social activities seems easier than mounting the strength to smile and chat while you’re miserable inside. Enter Running As I said, it comes with a built-in way to create and strengthen just the sort of relationships that improve mental health. If, like me, you took up the sport as part of a school team, regularly training with others has been part of your running life since day one. If you’re an adult-onset runner, you’ve probably nonetheless found benefit in having occasional company, especially for harder or longer workouts. On any given day, runs with others provide a mood boost. “Running is often my favorite social hour,” says Heather Johnson, of South Portland, Maine, who runs in part to manage anxiety. One of Heather’s training partners, Kristin Barry, runs to manage depression and says, “Socializing with friends while running makes me feel more connected and happier in general.” Running with others often results in conversations that are more open and substantive than the norm in our sedentary hours. “Running with others has served as a way to bring my own struggles and achievements to others to gain alternative perspectives,” Heather says. “Over the years, social and group runs have given me new ways to approach parenting, working with others, and how to be a better overall person. Buddy System What’s key here is that these more intimate conversations happen while we’re doing something that creates a connection. You can learn more about a person in the space of a few runs together than in six months of having adjoining cubicles. The shared effort of conquering hills or navigating trails builds a bond that’s stronger than if we were in a book club or cooking class together. Combine the talk and the work, and you can build deep friendships in a surprisingly short time. Running’s delivery mechanism for a regular supply of new friends is a profound enough mental-health aid. In my 50s, I have an easy way to continue to broaden my pool of relationships at a time when many of my contemporaries are seeing their social circles shrink. Some running partners remain primarily that; when we encounter each other in what I call civilian life, we often do a double-take because of being unaccustomed to seeing each other in street clothes. Some running partners blossom into all-hours friends who socialize while barely talking about running. The Spice of Life But there’s more to it than just numbers. As Heather says, “running has given me the opportunity to connect with so many different people.” In the past year, I’ve run with people in their 20s and people in their 70s, and all ages between. Some are women, some are men. Some are married, some divorced, some never married. Some have grown children, some are childless, some have infants. Some began running as teens, some started recently. We grew up in different times and different places and spend our days doing different work. Our lives are so much richer for the varied friendships we continually develop through running. How else would it be the case that the best friend I’ve made in the past decade is a mother of two who was born after I started running? How many depressed men my age have a way to nurture such relationships in just one or two hours a week? These too-brief in-person encounters don’t exist in a vacuum. They spur actions and thoughts that improve the time when we’re apart. Running partners constantly check in on each other: How did that workout go? Is your leg feeling better? Want to run long this weekend? Was it crazy cold this morning, or what? Running provides an easy and obvious reason to stay in regular contact. As on the run, the basic questions tend to lead to reports on nonrunning aspects of our lives, making our connections to one another that much stronger. Even the most basic planning to run with others helps. Knowing on a Wednesday that Saturday morning will include 90 minutes of fellowship brightens the week. I used to plan to run with others primarily as a means to a racing goal. Now it’s a worthwhile goal in itself.
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