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Our families of origin, the families into which we are born, are the source not only of love, warmth, and special memories, but also of core wounds that can haunt us for a lifetime. On a spectrum of emotional injury, these wounds may fall anywhere from minor to devastating. In some families, these hurts were inflicted despite the best of intentions and greatest of efforts, while in others, the harm was more deliberate. In my medical practice, I frequently see patients who have low self-esteem or even feel self-hatred. On some level, as a result of the core wounding they experienced, they think they are unworthy of good health and nourishing relationships. While there are numerous causes of illness—viruses, bacterial infections, environmental toxins and more—the emotional fallout from core wounding may at best interfere with the body’s healing process and at worst have a more direct and adverse impact on physical health. In the interest of our own wellness, I maintain that it is essential for us to release ourselves from the consequences of harm from family members, whether that hurt was intentional or not, and whether it was severe or mild. I define this process as “forgiveness.” In a Slow Medicine context, forgiving means releasing ourselves from the shackles of resentment, hatred and other inflammatory emotions that, if left unchecked, can exacerbate the harm already done to us. Let me be perfectly clear: Forgiving does not mean forgetting or ignoring. It especially does not mean getting back into the ring with a manipulative, abusive or otherwise toxic individual. It does, however, require a deep reach into our own humanity. It asks that we recognize someone else’s limitations, accept the reality of their resulting behavior, and—most challenging of all—rise above it all. It asks that we ultimately make choices that support our health on every level. We can forgive family members and feel unconditional love for them, without ever seeing or speaking with them again. We even can forgive family members while taking them to court or otherwise holding them publicly accountable for their actions, as in the case of domestic violence. Forgiving simply means that we stop churning through the unproductive emotions that drag us down instead of lifting us up. In some situations, of course, we humbly may realize that our grievances and resentments are more of a matter of ego than anything else. In these cases, we may choose to overlook squabbles of the past and attempt to reconcile in the interest of restoring an important relationship. Indeed, once we grow from the experiences of the past, we might gain something very significant. When we reach out with an open heart and are met in kind, the depth of healing is profound. So perhaps the risk inherent in attempting to reconcile is worth the potential benefit. Whether and however we decide to interact with our families of origin, the bottom line is this: In the interest of our own wellness, we need to “forgive,” so as to free ourselves from the trap of recycling childhood wounds. To the best of our ability, we need to oust from our very cells the energy of the action that was taken against us so that we are no longer controlled or harmed by it. This release may happen through any number of means that help us cultivate peace and tranquility: writing a memoir, practicing meditation, white-water rafting, teaching self-defense, raising happy children, or doing whatever else helps us turn our anger, fear and hurt into something healthy and productive. We have very limited control over people and circumstances outside ourselves. We cannot make someone think, feel, or be what we want, and we cannot go back in time and undo the past. But we still have the power to make choices that contribute to a different kind of future, where we can walk side by side with people who feed our souls. Through “forgiving,” or releasing, family members who have harmed us, and through doing our best to live passionately and manifest our life’s purpose, we can experience deep healing in our bodies and our hearts. By turning the pain and indignities of the past into something positive for ourselves and others, we can transform, like a caterpillar, and emerge with wings to fly. For more on forgiveness, listen to Dr. Michael Finkestein on the Live Happy Now podcast.

One of the fastest-growing hobbies in America is bird watching, according to the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. With the fall migration in full flight, this low-impact activity provides many opportunities to increase well-being. These benefits can include opportunities for discovery and achievement, the promise of new positive relationships and engagement in something meaningful. Researchers at Cornell University say that birdwatchers are five times more likely than non-recreationists to engage in environmental conservation efforts, and adventure traveling can be an economic boon for popular birding areas. Sharon Stiteler, author of the book 1001 Secrets Every Birder Should Know and an avid bird enthusiast, says that bird watching (or birding) takes a minimal monetary investment. All you really need is a good pair of binoculars and the knowledge of what birds might be passing through your area. “It’s easy to do, and you can find fantastic birds in your backyard,” Sharon says. “People think that if you are in an urban area, you may not have the variety…. More birds are adapting to our urban environment.” Sharon says it’s also a good idea to join a local bird watching group and keep up with events and the best viewing locations through social media. “I have a friend in just about every state and every country,” Sharon says. “No matter where you go, you’ll never meet dull people while bird watching.” For hot spots this fall, Sharon suggests anywhere along the Mississippi River, since it is a major migratory corridor; Cape May in New Jersey; and the Rio Grande Valley in Texas. “Another really fantastic place in the fall is Corpus Christi, Texas,” she says. “There is a huge raptor migration that happens there. You can see 100,000 birds of prey migrate over that spot.” For Sharon, the best part about bird watching is that no matter where she goes, she can enjoy an activity that gives her pleasure and adds meaning to her life. “Whether it’s a big city like New York or out in the middle of nowhere in Utah, there is always something there for me to find,” she says. “Especially if there are birds I haven’t seen before. It’s kind of like a treasure hunt.” Field Guide 1. Tundra Swans migrate in large flocks, making their way down both East and West coasts. Before embarking on their 1,000-mile flight for the winter, these monogamous love birds can be found in the Devils Lake area of North Dakota in September and along the Mississippi River in Minnesota in October. 2. The Common Redpoll is a small, socially active finch with a red cap and a yellow, pointed bill that lives in northern Canada. During migration, they travel in flocks of several hundred to several thousand and visit backyard feeders in the northern border states, including Maine, Michigan and North Dakota. 3. The Northern Goshawk is a large raptor that prefers dense forests in North America, Europe and Asia. Don’t get too close; the goshawk is a fierce defender of its nest. In the fall, birders can find them in the Rocky Mountains, the Great Lakes and along the Appalachian Mountains. 4. Green Jays can be found in the tropical areas of Mexico and South America. The South Texas Green Jays will hang around the Mexican border and prefer open spaces. This noisy bunch doesn’t travel much but can be seen as far north as San Antonio. 5. Northern Flickers are part of the woodpecker family and forage on the ground for food. They usually migrate at night and have been spotted in places like New Jersey, Massachusetts and Pennsylvania in late September before making their way to the Gulf States for the winter. 6. White-crowned Sparrows migrate from the deep north and spend their winters vacationing in the states. The Alaskan White-crowned Sparrow has been known to migrate more than 2,000 miles. These elegant creatures rarely travel in parties of eight or more. 7. Dark-eyed Juncos are part of the sparrow family and are often referred to as “snowbirds.” They are one of the most common birds in North America, and more than 600 million of them can be found at backyard feeders across the country during migration and in the winter. (Source: Kevin J. McGowan, Ph.D., Project Manager, Distance Learning in Bird Biology, Cornell Lab of Ornithology/The Birds of North America)

More. Did you ever want to be more or have more in your life? Even if you’ve accomplished all you’ve dreamed of or desired, perhaps you’ve noticed that there’s a part of you that keeps nudging you toward whatever is next. As I’ve made my way through life, I, too, have always desired more. I didn’t want to have more things in a physical sense; instead, my aim was to become a better person: more knowledgeable, more thoughtful, more generous, and more loving. Despite my professional successes, I never fully understood why I continued to desire more until I met Mary Morrissey, a premier personal development expert, cherished mentor, and dear friend. Mary was the first to introduce me to the idea that, as human beings, we are always seeking a freer, fuller, more expanded version of ourselves and that life is always seeking its fuller expression through us. Take some time here and really think about how this might manifest itself in your life. Consider the following questions: How do you want to live your life? If you were living a life you truly loved, what would it look like? How would it be different than it is now? What would your health look like? What would your relationships be like — romantic, familial and otherwise? With whom would you be hanging out? Would you travel or pursue hobbies you love? What would you be doing with your time? Since I know it’s tempting to breeze by these questions, I’d like to encourage you to grab a journal or notebook so that you can jot down some initial ideas. Journal 1: How Do You Want to Live Your Life? Take time to write out answers to the questions above. When I ask clients these questions, I get responses that range from impassioned, detailed descriptions about a great imagined future to quizzical looks that convey countless doubts about the ability to achieve any of their dreams. Yet most people share a few important responses: They desire to be fully engaged in something that feels meaningful and purposeful. They want to experience their impact on the people and situations in their lives. They consistently want to feel more confident and empowered, and less affected by life’s daily challenges. No matter how many times people have been advised to be more confident or have higher self-esteem, rarely are they told how to achieve these goals. Rest assured, it can be done. In fact, you can definitely learn how to be confident and resilient. The challenge is that most people believe that life is doing something to them, so they live by constantly reacting to life’s dilemmas. If you perceive life as a set of difficult problems, criticizing and complaining can become coping strategies you use to deal with what you perceive as the harshness of such a life. People often don’t realize that they have a hand in creating the life they want. Once you start setting clear intentions and taking inspired action to meet specific goals, then you begin to develop a sense that you have a say in how life unfolds for you. In fact, many people find their purpose in life by actively pursuing their goals or dreams. When you experience purpose and meaning in what you are doing, it often feels like you are the conduit through which life is fulfilling itself instead of a mere victim of life’s hardships. Personal development trainers often describe these two very different approaches—reactionary versus creative—as, respectively, living “life by default” and “life by design.” This book was written to help you live life by your design. You have a hand in creating a life you love—one that enables you to be confident, emotionally strong, enthusiastic, purpose-driven, and resilient. The process involves embracing all of life: all of the good, fun, enjoyable, happy experiences, and all of the crummy, messy, unexpected, and unpleasant ones, too. The Gift of Unpleasant Feelings Most of us want to avoid unpleasant thoughts and feelings either because they are so darn uncomfortable or because they elicit some measure of pain. This avoidance, what some psychologists call “experiential avoidance,” occurs through distracting yourself. By moving away from difficult feelings, you actually cut yourself off from emotional information that could help protect or enhance your life. Consistently distracting from or avoiding what is unpleasant and uncomfortable is, unfortunately, often the start of a slow trek to increased anxiety, bodily pain, vulnerability, and disempowerment. If you continue to distract or stay disconnected from the truth of your own life experiences over long periods of time, you may experience feelings of emptiness, numbness, and soulful depression™—a result of being disconnected from yourself. Eventually, this can transform into something worse: intense feelings of isolation, alienation, or hopelessness. But it doesn’t need to move in that direction at all. Just as there’s a path to soulful depression, there’s a path to confidence, emotional strength, and resilience—three qualities that have a direct impact on your ability to lead a meaningful life. How, then, do you develop into an emotionally stronger and more capable person? As paradoxical as it seems, the answer is tied to your capacity to tolerate pain—or your capacity to handle unpleasant feelings. The more you are able to face the pain you experience, the more capable you become. you are able to face the pain you experience, the more capable you become. The essential keys to developing confidence, feeling emotionally strong, and being resilient involve an openness to change, a positive attitude toward pain, a willingness to learn from any experience, and a capacity to experience and express unpleasant feelings. When you’re able to effectively handle unpleasant emotions, you’re likely to feel more centered, confident, capable, and calm in the moment. Your consistent ability to deal with difficult feelings translates into relief from anxiety, harsh self-criticism, and negative self-talk. As you continue the practice of experiencing these unpleasant feelings, you increase your capacity to engage in courageous conversations, which often results in mending and deepening relationships. If you stay well connected to your moment-to-moment experience, not only will you move your life more fully into who you want to be and do more of what you love, you’ll start to develop a greater sense of purpose and meaning in your life. Why wouldn’t you want to embrace your unpleasant feelings if it results in living the life you’ve always wanted? *** Excerpted from90 Seconds to a Life You Love. Copyright © 2019 by Joan I Rosenberg, PhD. Used with permission of Little, Brown and Company, New York. 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