A friend group of women

The Power of Friendship With Molly Galbraith

Strong relationships are proven to create more joy in our lives, so this week, we’re looking at how to celebrate our friendships and build stronger connections. Molly Galbraith, founder of the Girls Gone Strong fitness philosophy and author of the new book, Strong Women Lift Each Other Up, joins host Paula Felps to look at how supporting one another creates a ripple effect that generates new opportunities and deepens relationships, then offers tips on how all of us can become more supportive and improve our own friendships. In this episode, you'll learn: How social media and comparison could be damaging your relationships. Small, simple ways to lift up those around you. Why it’s important to stay connected — especially now. Links and Resources Facebook: @mollymgalbraith Instagram: @themollygalbraith Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:           
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All You Need is Love

Love is a flower—you’ve got to let it grow,” Beatles legend John Lennon said. In truth, it’s perhaps the most beautiful flower we could ever plant (no green thumb required). We have to water it with affection, fertilize it with compassion and shelter it from the storms of everyday life. Here are 4 Ways to Strengthen the Relationships in Your Life: Journal with your spouse. Find a journal—anything will do, including a basic spiral notebook—and take a few minutes to write to each other. Remind your spouse why you love him or her, whether it’s generosity toward those in need or unfailing ability to make you smile. Ask your spouse out on a date. Most of all, keep your writing positive and focused on each other. When you do, you’ll end up creating the ultimate mood-booster and a family heirloom that generations to come will read and cherish. Send a greeting card. Sending a text message or email is a quick, easy way to say hello to a friend or relative, but sending a physical greeting card shows thought and effort and love. Plus, your recipient can post your card on his or her refrigerator or desk as a daily reminder of you and your relationship. Collect ticket stubs. Remember when you enjoyed the evening under the stars and listened to your favorite band play? Or when you saw that awful movie together? Keep the ticket stubs from wherever your life as a couple takes you, collect them in a glass jar and place it visibly in your home. When you add new tickets to your collection, take a couple of minutes to look at the other stubs in your jar and reminisce about the fun you’ve had together. Plan the ultimate family fun day. Mark it on your calendars. Treat it as seriously as you would a work meeting or soccer practice, and escape the commotion of life for a day of family fun. Get the entire family involved in the planning—surprise the kids with a short day trip; attend a local festival; or maybe even spend the day at home baking, watching movies and building a fort. Your family fun day doesn’t have to cost an arm and a leg; it’s more about the entire family spending time together, creating memories and laughing. Take it From the Experts How can we communicate more effectively with our loved ones? “For more than four decades I have been privileged to share the five love languages with people around the world. Understanding this concept gives individuals the information needed to effectively express love. By nature, we do for our loved ones what we wish they would do for us. We assume they feel loved. When they eventually say to us, ‘I feel like you don’t love me,’ we are surprised. The problem was not our sincerity. The problem was we were not speaking their love language.”—Gary D. Chapman, Ph.D., author of The 5 Love Languages series What are some of the relationship-building benefits of the family dinner? “In today’s fast-paced, technology-steeped culture, having family dinner is the most doable way to hang out together; there are few other settings where the family gathers….Family dinner provides a way to connect...a time to unwind, to check in, to laugh together, to tell stories. These benefits don’t depend on you making a gourmet meal, using organic ingredients or cooking from scratch. Food brings the family to the table, but it is the conversation and the connection that keeps the family at the table and provides the emotional benefits.”—Anne Fishel, Ph.D., author of Home for Dinner: Mixing Food, Fun, and Conversation for a Happier Family and Healthier Kids What is the single most important thing we can do to improve our relationships with our children? “Our relationships with our children improve the most when we work on our relationships with ourselves. When we find ways to be happy and calm and present, we are warmer and more responsive to our children, better listeners—and more consistent disciplinarians.”—Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work How do we use play to make our relationships stronger? “If you get into a win-lose situation, ‘I have to win and the other person has to lose,’ you are in an irresolvable situation. If on the other hand you can play with the others’ ideas without reacting to them and they can play with yours, you usually can arrive at a solution or compromise, a creative way of unifying these two differences.”—Dr. Stuart Brown, author of Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul. How can we create long-lasting, happy relationships? “Relationships thrive when there is an investment in an emotional piggy bank. Without a balance of positive feelings for each other, there is little to draw on during difficult times. The best way of allowing these positive feelings for each other to grow is to not deplete them. If you can have fewer negative emotions and reactions with each other in the first place, it can help preserve your positive resources.”—Daniel Tomasulo, Ph.D., MFA, MAPP, author of Confessions of a Former Child: A Therapist’s Memoir Just the Facts Be an Active, Constructive Responder Fact: Martin Seligman, Ph.D., says our responses to our partners can turn a “good relationship into an excellent one.” Use positive emotions when engaging with your partner by genuinely smiling, touching and laughing. Source: Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being Be Social Fact: Research suggests that your future spouse is less than three degrees from you in your social network. So, go out and be social—you have a 68 percent chance of meeting your soul mate through someone you know. Source: Connected: The Surprising Power of Our Social Networks and How They Shape Our Lives—How Your Friends’ Friends’ Friends Affect Everything You Feel, Think, and Do Happy and Healthy Fact: According to psychologist Ed Diener, Ph.D., close relationships influence our happiness and health. Being in a relationship with someone who shares mutual understanding, caring and validation can greatly improve your life satisfaction. Source: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth Happiness Attracts Fact: Studies suggest that people with higher levels of wellbeing are more likely to eventually find marriage partners than those with lower levels. Also, they are more likely to have stronger marriages. Source: The Oxford Handbook of Happiness Laughter Is the Best Medicine Fact: Adults with children at home are more likely to have stress, but they are also more likely to smile and laugh a lot. Source: Gallup.com Bonus Tip Bring a smile to a loved one's face with a promise ring. They are symbolic pieces designed to shout your feelings from the rooftops.
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A group of empowered women

The Women’s Day Event With Carin Rockind

On March 8, we’ll celebrate International Women’s Day, and this episode’s guest is throwing a celebration like no other. Carin Rockind, also known as The Purpose Girl, tells us about an amazing event designed to inspire women around the world. Carin has put together a lineup of powerful, motivating women who will help you make 2021 your best year yet. Whether you’re looking to jumpstart your fitness program, find your purpose, improve your relationships or launch your entrepreneurial dreams, The Women’s Day Event can help you find the mojo and motivation you’re missing. In this episode, you'll learn: How to experience The Women’s Day Event. What to expect from this event. Why it’s so important for women to celebrate this day. Links and Resources Facebook: PurposeGirlsGroup Instagram: @carinrockind Website: https://carinrockind.com/ Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:           
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How Satisfied are You With Your Life?

If you have ever wondered if you were truly satisfied with your life but couldn’t tell for sure, science has a way to give you the answers. The Satisfaction with Life Scale (SWLS), developed by Gallup senior scientist Ed Diener, is structured to assess the broad scope of satisfaction within your life, meaning your life as a whole. The scale consists of five statements, the first three dealing with the present and the last two dealing with the past, for you to strongly agree or strongly disagree with: In most ways, my life is close to my ideal. The conditions of my life are excellent. I am completely satisfied with my life. So far, I have gotten the most important things I want in life. If I could live my life over, I would change nothing. Depending how you answer, the results should give you a good sense of how things are going in your life in general. There are many factors that go into how we view satisfaction. People who score high on the scale generally have positive social relationships with family and friends, meaningful accomplishments and strong personal growth. People who score lower on the scale may not be happy with how things are currently going. They may have an unfulfilling career path or haven’t surrounded themselves with enough people who care about them. Temporary dissatisfaction, as Ed points out, is common and in some cases, even motivating. It may be time to reflect and make the necessary changes to improve your life if the dissatisfaction persists. The SWLS has been translated into many different languages and has been used in hundreds of studies to give researchers a global understanding of life satisfaction. It, among other similar questionnaires, can be found at UPenn’s Authentic Happiness site. Participating only takes a few minutes of your time and your answers can be part of the research.
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6 Ways to Encourage Post-Traumatic Growth

The old saying that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is a nice sentiment. Yet the evidence points otherwise. On the other side of hard experiences, some people can get stuck in negative emotions and suffer from mental health. Yet adversity—whether from a one-off traumatic event or a prolonged period of challenge (like a pandemic!)—is not an exclusively negative experience for all people. In fact, it can be a powerful catalyst for deeply positive personal transformation. Enter ‘post-traumatic growth,’ a term coined by psychologists to describe the phenomena of people emerging stronger in the aftermath of adversity. Considered both a process and an outcome, post-traumatic growth is not the opposite of post-traumatic stress but can be experienced alongside it. As is said in coaching, breakdowns precede breakthroughs. The larger the breakdown, the more transformative the potential breakthrough. Underscore ‘Potential’ In the realm of post-traumatic growth, the benefits of potential breakthroughs include stronger self-esteem; more meaningful and authentic relationships; and a greater appreciation of ‘the little things’ and of life itself. Of course, it’s impossible to predict what kind of post-traumatic growth people will have on the other side of this pandemic. Yet there’s reason to be confident many will. After the 2002-2003 SARS epidemic, 60% of Hong Kong residents reported stronger family relationships and a third felt better equipped to share their feelings with family and friends. Here are six ways to facilitate your own post-traumatic growth, helping you not just ‘bounce back’ to your former self, but to ‘bounce forward’ from this pandemic in ways that leave you feeling stronger in who you are and able to thrive in whole new ways than you ever would have otherwise. 1. Reconstruct your ‘assumptive world.’ You might not know this, but you live in what psychologists call an ‘assumptive world’ that helps you make sense of this world and your place in it. Trauma has a way of knocking our ‘assumptive world’ off its axis, as our beliefs about how the world (and our lives) ‘should be’ butts heads with reality. Comments like, "I never thought this would happen to me," tend to follow such collisions. Reconstructing your assumptive world after a tough time requires rewriting the story you have about how life in ways that incorporate new experiences without leaving you lingering in emotions of self-pity, blame or powerlessness about the future. After being in an armed robbery and losing my first pregnancy in the second trimester, I had to do just this. Sure I knew these things happened to other people, but I somehow assumed they would never happen to me. My new story reconciled my optimistic outlook that ‘life is good’ but incorporated the reality that ‘bad things can (and do) happen to good people including me. 2. Celebrate new strengths. Adversity has a way of acquainting us with strengths we might never have discovered, or sharpen existing gifts or skills in new ways. The last twelve months have provided a masterclass in many things—from mastering Zoom calls to homeschooling. Take time to identify and acknowledge the talents you’ve uncovered, strengths you’ve sharpened or mastery you’ve gained that will serve you long into the future3. . 3. Deepen your spirituality. Faith in some higher spiritual force—which some call God but which can go by many names—has been a deep source of hope and meaning throughout history. Of course, not everyone who experiences post-traumatic growth suddenly ‘finds God’ in their darkest hour, but research shows having some form of spiritual belief system helps people to weather life’s storms better and emerge better for it. In the aftermath of my brother’s suicide, my own faith couldn’t change the past but it helped steel my resolve to live my own life more purposefully. 4. Foster connection. We forge more meaningful relationships through our struggles and vulnerability than our successes and victories. Unsurprisingly, one of the strongest predictors of post-traumatic growth is a robust support network. So while you may feel tempted to wear a mask or withdraw entirely, make a point of staying in touch with a few people with whom you can reveal the truth of your life.  5. 5. Love yourself harder. When life feels out of control, double down on what lays within it…starting with doing more of what nurtures you—the body, mind and spirit. This includes being extra kind to yourself, particularly in your not-so-gracious moments, cutting out (or at least cutting back) on the less healthy coping strategies like excessive drinking. Create a morning ritual that starts your day strong. My own includes exercise, journaling and reading wisdom literature. It sets me up to turn my breakdowns—large and small—into breakthroughs faster! 6. Embrace discomfort. Calm waters don’t make great sailors. Likewise to live your own potential will require weathering a few stormy times. The whole is looking forward to emerging from this one! So embrace discomfort as a pre-requisite for growing into the person you have it within you to be. Not only that, but sometimes those experiences you’ve thought were ruining your best path forward are really just revealing it.
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6 Steps to Positive Change

Driving home from a family gathering or a dinner with friends, you might conjure up a being who looks like you but behaves differently. He or she was more gregarious at the party, slower to anger at a sister-in-law’s snarky comments and assertive when a colleague offhandedly dismissed a solid proposal. Pretty much all of us, psychologists say, harbor visions of a new and improved version of ourselves. “A vast majority of people want to change at least some aspect of their personality,” says Nathan Hudson, Ph.D., a researcher at Southern Methodist University in Dallas. A study he co-authored found that when it came to tweaking personality traits, 87 percent of participants wanted to become more extroverted while 97 percent said they’d like to increase their conscientiousness. Not very long ago, experts would have said that those hopes were nearly as futile as the wish to be two inches taller. A concept of personality called the “Big Five” emerged in the 1970s, developed by researchers at the National Institutes of Health, the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor and the University of Oregon. According to this model, an individual’s personality is a blend of five core dimensions. These include the two traits that Nathan mentions above: extroversion (outgoing, talkative, sociable) and conscientiousness (organized, disciplined, trustworthy). The other three dimensions are agreeableness (compassionate, kind and friendly), openness to experience (creative, curious) and neuroticism (people low in this trait are calm and confident while those on the other end of the scale are prone to anxiety, anger and depression). A growing body of research is leading experts to revise the view that these core traits are rooted in genetics and mostly fixed in adulthood. The longest-running personality study ever undertaken, for example, shows that our personality changes dramatically over our lifetime. In 1950, researchers at the University of Edinburgh rated some 1,200 14-year-olds in Scotland on six personality traits, from self-confidence to perseverance. Six decades later, the researchers tracked down and reassessed nearly 200 of those original participants. Their findings: Thanks to small incremental changes over the decades, there was no significant correlation between the traits people had as teens and the ones they displayed as seniors. In other words, they were dramatically different individuals at 77 than they had been at 14. Those findings don’t surprise psychologist and adult development pioneer Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D. In a landmark study, she followed a single group of women and men from their years as undergraduates well into middle age. As she notes in her book, The Search for Fulfillment: Revolutionary New Research That Reveals the Secret to Long-Term Happiness, our robust ability for change doesn’t carry a “best by” date. “At any age, anyone can feel fulfilled, can create a sense of meaning, and, essentially can find happiness—no matter what their level of satisfaction was in their youth.” In a personal example, she recently left the rambling home she lived in for 33 years in Amherst, Massachusetts, and moved across the state to Boston to join the faculty at the University of Massachusetts Boston. “I wanted something new,” she says. “Moving out of my house was agonizing, but also very liberating.” Susan adds, “The great thing is that when you start to tinker with the behaviors that bother you, you’ll start to change the way you think about yourself. Your narrative goes from ‘I’ve always been a worrywart,’ which is high on neuroticism, to ‘I can feel relaxed if I want to.’ Seeing yourself in charge of your personality rather than being run by it may be the key to having your personality suit instead of define you.” One of the clear findings in Nathan’s recent research at the University of Illinois with fellow researcher Christopher Fraley is that small changes can have big payoffs. Yet, “It’s not sufficient to merely make an intention to change a personality trait. People have to actually change their behaviors, week by week, with small, realistic and attainable goals.” Try these six expert tips to begin making real and lasting personality adjustments. How to Get Started 1. Look forward to looking back. “Live your life when you’re young as if you’re looking back on it when you’re old,” Susan advises her students. The same thing holds at any point in your life. Five years from now, you’ll be glad you decided to put more effort into your marriage, signed up for that watercolor class or gave online dating a chance, whatever the outcome. “People think the only way to change is to go completely all off the rails,” Susan says. “But ‘change’ with a lowercase c can be easier to wrap your head around and surprise you in how much it impacts your happiness.” 2. Find your motivation. “You can’t prioritize everything,” says Alice Boyes, Ph.D., author of The Healthy Mind Toolkit: Simple Strategies to Get Out of Your Own Way and Enjoy Your Life. “It takes cognitive effort and discipline to make a change from whatever comes most naturally to you, so find the bigger reason for making a change, like stronger relationships or a more satisfying work life.” “People devalue incremental improvements,” Alice says. “But what I call micro-steps might completely solve a problem and have a big impact on your happiness.” Feeling distant from your spouse? If you spend 180 minutes a day together, make a commitment to devote just 10 percent of those moments—18 minutes in all—to being more emotionally connected. Turn off the TV, put away your smartphones and engage in a conversation about something other than politics or household chores. “Over time,” she says, “that can really lead to a relationship that feels closer.” 3. Get real with yourself about what you’re willing to do. Consider obstacles when you’re forming a plan for, say, losing weight or eating healthier, Alice says. Saying you’re going to eliminate all white foods from your diet is unrealistic when your favorite dish at the corner bistro is linguini with clam sauce. You might, however, be willing to replace white bread with whole wheat and experiment with different types of pasta, like brown rice or quinoa, when you’re cooking at home. 4. Respect your temperament. “Acting out of character can have a depleting effect on us,” says Cambridge University psychologist Brian Little, Ph.D. That’s true whether you’re a natural-born introvert trying to behave more gregariously or you’re attempting to temper a combative personality. Brian’s advice is to seek out what he calls “restorative niches,” where you can allow your inborn temperament to roam free. A self-described “lifelong introvert,” Brian sometimes gives daylong presentations. By the end of the morning sessions, he’s feeling depleted and over-aroused. To recharge for the afternoon sessions, he declines invitations to lunch with colleagues and instead spends the hour taking a recuperative, solitary walk. 5. Accept that you’ll experience a mix of positive and negative emotions. Stepping out of your comfort zone is, by definition, uncomfortable. But, says Alice, there’s power in learning to tolerate emotions like anxiety, frustration, doubt or envy. “[It] opens up a world of possibility for what you can accomplish,” she says. “Choosing the most meaningful path over the most comfortable one will help you reach your potential.” 6.  Expand how you define yourself. A rigid self-identity can cause you to underestimate the available opportunities and choices, Alice says. If you define yourself as polite and easygoing, you may not be able to imagine yourself being assertive in asking for what you want. With flexibility, you can give expression to less dominant parts of yourself—the hidden extrovert, the sometime adventurer. “Every new situation provides us with an opportunity to bring any sides of ourselves that we want to that situation,” Alice says. Brian, in his influential book, Me, Myself, and Us: The Science of Personality and the Art of Well-Being, says there has been a “sea change” in how psychologists view the link between personality and a motivation to change. “Under this new perspective, genes influence us as do our circumstances, but we are not hostage to them,” he writes. The “personal commitments and core projects that we pursue in our daily lives” allow us to rise above what are our natural inclinations. And, he notes, the new science of personality overlaps with positive psychology. Instead of only emphasizing pathology or shortcomings, it’s just as concerned “with positive attributes like creativity, resiliency and human flourishing.” “Change is what our lives are about,” Susan concludes in The Search for Fulfillment.  “No matter how you started out or where you are now, it is possible for you to get back on track with your original goals and dreams, or to find and define new ones. Your life’s script is one that you can write any way you want to, starting right now.” This article was originally published in the October 2018 edition of Live Happy magazine.
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Overcoming Toxic Positivity With Dr. Lauren Cook

It’s no secret that, here at Live Happy, we are fans of positivity. But why are people now talking about toxic positivity? In this episode, author and therapist Dr. Lauren Cook joins us to talk about how this usually well-meaning approach to positivity can create a backlash. Toxic positivity is a form of happiness that can actually damage personal and professional relationships, so this episode looks at what it is, why it is harmful to us and our loved ones, and what we can do to overcome it. In this episode, you'll learn: How to tell if you’re practicing toxic positivity. Why it can be harmful to relationships. How to create a balanced perspective that integrates optimism and reality. Links and Resources Facebook: @DrLaurenCook Instagram: @dr.laurencook LinkedIn: @drlaurencook Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:           
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More Than a Best Friend

Around July 26 every year, Megan-Mack Nicholson organizes a spirited celebration that is part family reunion, part birthday extravaganza. Although the site rotates to a different house every year, common party threads include cooking on the grill, wine and plenty of playtime. But two activities are absolutely non-negotiable and thought of as ritual for this extended family: a dip in the nearest body of water and, of course, a good, old-fashioned group howl. Ten white German shepherds, all from the same litter, are the guests of honor at the appropriately named White Shepherd Puppy Party, and Megan-Mack describes their chorus, which might last a couple of minutes, as deafening. “(It’s) so loud and beautiful, people and dogs in this huge family pack,” she says. “It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.” The puppies were brought into the world by Megan-Mack’s dog, Kaya, on July 26, 2005. She gave all but one of the puppies away to friends around Ithaca, New York, where she lives. She kept one puppy, whom she named Rayleigh. “I just thought it would be fun (to throw a birthday party) the first year, and it was such an absolute hoot, we made sure to continue the tradition,” she says. Meat cakes—plural—are another standard usually enjoyed at the puppy party. Megan-Mack starts with a traditional cake option, like strawberry shortcake, then adds “every meat under the sun”—hamburger, steak, chicken spread, tuna and even spam. The plurality of the cakes is important: The inaugural year, she only baked one large cake, and Kaya ate the entire thing in seconds, while the candles were still lit. “It’s such a sweet gathering,” she says. “We haven’t missed a year. It’s important for all of us to connect because it is family.” Claiming a dog—or 11—as family is something that might have raised more than a few eyebrows 10 or 20 years ago, but today it’s the norm. Rejecting the terminology of dog ownership, many people now choose to define themselves as guardians or pet parents and refer to their beloved canines as their fur babies or children. “The data suggests that the majority of people consider their pet a family member,” says Allen McConnell, Ph.D., a Miami University psychology professor who studies the impact pets have on human health and well-being. His most recent data suggests the number is about 77 percent. But adoption into the family isn’t just about status. In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2011, Allen and colleagues examined the amount of support 217 people received from their pets, be they dogs, cats or other animals, as compared to their best friends and family members. “One thing we found,” Allen says, “was that people received as much support from their pet as they did from their parents or siblings,” although best friends were found to be a more powerful source of support than pets. “For a pet to be as big as parents or siblings is a pretty strong statement,” Allen says. All Heart Susan Burnstine can agree with that statement, strong as it is. Susan, a Los Angeles-based photographer, says 3-year-old Australian kelpie, Raven, is her family. And it is Raven who is getting her through the death of another beloved family member, Blue, also a kelpie, who died at the extraordinary age of 21. “I lost both parents and everyone in my family,” Susan says, “and that was tragic like you wouldn’t believe, but losing (Blue) hurt more. I’m almost ashamed to say that. But it was like losing my child.” For the first 8 months of her life, Blue was used as pit bull bait for an illegal dog fighting facility, but a local rescue group helped her escape. When Susan and Blue were introduced, it was love at first sight. “She sort of found everything for me,” Susan says. “She set the path for my life. She was just a remarkable dog.” As a photographer, Susan is known for the dream-like images produced from her homemade cameras and lenses. The first photo she took with one of her own cameras was of Blue’s nose, and that photo helped jump-start her career. Before she made it as a photographer, Susan worked in the entertainment business, but she eventually burned out. While she tried to figure out her next step, she spent time hiking with Blue at LA’s Runyon Canyon Park. At the time, the park wasn’t well-attended, so Hollywood actors would frequent its trails. When Susan mentioned to a friend of hers, the late actor Michael Jeter, that she just wanted to hike with her dog all day, Michael suggested she do just that—but with other people’s dogs as well. And so, Susan started a business providing not just hiking but individualized cardio sessions for the dogs of her clients, who are often actors. She still works with about 12 clients in addition to her work as a photographer, and Blue was the impetus for the whole operation. “(Blue) was a Zen dog,” Susan says. “She would just know everything.” Now, Raven is helping Susan cope with the loss of Blue. “The only thing that got me through was Raven,” Susan says. “She has so much energy, I don’t have a second (to myself).” Susan loves dogs more than anything in the world. “They are very empathetic animals. They’re all about their heart.” The Science of Puppy Love Susan, Megan-Mack and countless others share a special bond with their dogs, and recent research examines that interaction, describing how dogs pay attention to us like no other animal. Scientists Adam Miklosi and Brian Hare, among others, have demonstrated that dogs can read human facial expressions and follow cues from gestures or the direction of a person’s gaze, and they can do so at least as early as 6 weeks old. No other non-human animal possesses this innate ability—not even our closest relatives, chimpanzees and bonobos, which need extensive human contact before they can demonstrate similar abilities. Dogs are also the only animals besides primates that look humans in the eyes, and researchers from three Japanese universities found that this eye contact is especially significant. In a study published in the April 17 issue of Science, the scientists found that when people sustain a long gaze with their own dog, both receive a boost in the brain hormone oxytocin, which is associated with bonding and attachment. The findings suggest that dogs tap into the same mechanism that parents use to bond with their infant children. Another study, published in the journal Behavioral Processes in January, measured the neural responses dogs have to known and unknown smells. The researchers found that the scent of the dogs’ owners engaged the caudate nucleus, the part of the brain associated with reward. These studies represent only the tip of the iceberg in research on the unique relationship between people and dogs, and not all experts agree on how to interpret them. But the findings could indicate that both species are specially wired to live with one another, and this is a significant part of the reason humans incorporate canines into nearly every facet of our lives. Working Into Our Lives The brakes are out on Megan-Mack’s truck, and she’s not sure if it would pass inspection, but she doesn’t want to get rid of it because it reminds her of her dog. Earlier this year, Kaya passed away, and she has vivid memories of both of her dogs sticking their heads out of the window on her way to work. “I want everything to be the same as it was when she was here,” Megan-Mack says, and that includes both of her dogs joining her for the workday. Megan-Mack is a ropes course director and adventure center manager. When she was promoted to the position, which meant longer hours, she made sure her contract stipulated that the girls could join her. “My sanity is all due to them at work,” she says. “They remind me to step outside and smell the air.” The dogs also brightened the days of customers and staff on a regular basis. Rayleigh is especially attuned to people’s needs and moods. Megan-Mack says the attentiveness of dogs like hers comes from generations of loyal dogs trying to fulfill jobs. She believes the job of the modern dog is to be a part of the family. That certainly wasn’t always the case. “The first role dogs played was very likely not as a pet,” says David Grimm, author of Citizen Canine: Our Evolving Relationship with Cats and Dogs, which came out in paperback in June. “It was more of a co-worker relationship.” At the time, David says, humans were nomadic and had no time for pets. Dogs probably helped hunt smaller game and guard campsites at night. In return, dogs received food. And that’s the way things were for thousands of years. As humans started settling down in villages, the status of dogs began to change. The first evidence of a more personal relationship between the species dates back 12,000 years to Israel, where archaeologists found a buried human cradling a puppy. “Fast forward 10,000 years and some societies had pet-like relationships,” David says. “For example, the Romans are burying dogs in human cemeteries and breeding lap dogs.” Not every culture had pets, and dogs generally suffered through the Middle Ages. But even in pet-friendly cultures, a distinct separation existed—dogs belonged outside. That would change in the late 1800s with the advent of flea and tick medicines. “Now you can bring dogs indoors, and (then) they don’t smell like garbage, basically,” David says. “The separation breaks down, and a new (pet) industry arrives with dogs and cats... There’s a snowball effect, and the relationship is much closer.” The relationship strengthened by the decade. Then, 20 or 25 years ago, our relationship with dogs evolved again. Smaller families, higher divorce rates and more people living alone, combined with the increasing isolation of the digital age, changed the way we look at dogs and cats, according to David. “Everyone’s on the computer all the time,” he says. “Pets are the last bastions in your house that need to physically interact with you. Your dog’s not going to play on the Xbox or start texting and ignore you.” All these factors have led to people claiming dogs as family, an idea that would have seemed strange to most people 30 years ago. But now, a majority of people report that their dogs sleep in their own beds. “We’ve become so close,” David says. “It’s hard to imagine we can become much closer in the social sphere—you can’t get much closer than a member of the family.” This article originally appeared in the October 2015 edition of Live Happy magazine.
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6 Ways to Raise Kinder Kids

The thought of raising a brat of a child can bring panic and anxiety to any parent. It’s an especially overwhelming thought if you don’t have the proper tools on hand to teach your child how to be a kind person. Sometimes we don’t even know what we are doing wrong. Thomas Lickona, Ph.D., developmental psychologist and author of How to Raise Kind Kids, says the most common mistakes parents make in childrearing is not exercising moral authority with confidence, constantly making kids happy by sparing them from disappointment and not being intentional in creating a positive family culture. Kids who do respect their parents’ moral authority create a foundation for moral development later in life, Thomas says. “It’s difficult to teach kids anything if they don’t listen to you, they don’t obey you, they don’t respect the fact that you are the mom and dad and you have the right to expect obedience,” Thomas says. Try these six tools Thomas recommends for raising kinder kids: Develop a Positive Family Culture. Creating a family mission statement gives your children a sense of belonging to something bigger than themselves. Thomas suggests sitting down together and discussing your family’s core values and virtues. For example, “the Smiths don’t lie, cheat and steal,” “the Davidsons are kind, gracious and don’t hurt people,” or “the Lannisters always pay their debts” (OK, maybe that last one is a bad example). Having a family charter sets a tone of how the family should behave and will give children moral clarity in why and what the family believes. Become a Character Coach. In order to raise a kind person, you need to be a kind person. Model good behavior and teach them the responsibility to care for others. Instill good virtues, such as kindness, respect and self-control. Thomas writes that the surest way to be happy is to make others happy. Good character also means not letting little infractions slide. “Take the small stuff seriously,” Thomas says. “If you don’t correct rudeness and tantrums, for example, in your 6-year-old, you’ll have a lot more trouble reining in swearing and door slamming by your 16-year-old.” Keep Constant Contact. The responsibility of raising children well falls on parents’ shoulders. Stay in touch by holding regular family meetings to discuss anything that may be exciting or troubling in their lives. Thomas suggests a technique he used in his own family, called the back and forth questions. The key is to ask your child a question, such as “what was the best and worst part of your day?” Encourage the child to reciprocate and ask you the same. After a while, you and your child will develop the art of good conversation. “Meaningful conversation enriches family life, builds relationships and gives you a vehicle to transmit your deepest values,” Thomas says. “Without those conversational exchanges, we really are on the sidelines of our children’s character formation.” In his book, How to Raise Kind Kids, Thomas provides 40 conversation starters to get the verbal ball rolling. Reduce Screens. Technology is great, but not at the expense of a deteriorating family life. A sad statistic is that screens—TVs, phones, tablets, video games—are drastically changing the amount of face time families put in each day. When kids “disappear” into their own worlds, parents know less about the goings-on within their children’s lives, and problems like irritability and poor sleeping habits can emerge. Challenges grow as teens begin to seek validation from social media. Thomas suggests a four-week electronic fast, a technique developed by child psychiatrist Victoria Dunckley, author of Reset Your Child’s Brain. He admits the first few days may be rough, but parents can start to notice real changes in their kids, such as fewer tantrums and arguments. After four weeks, slowly reintroduce devices, allowing one hour of screen time per day. A Little Hard Work Never Hurt Anyone. Our kids learn all their habits, good and bad, from what happens at home. Continuously trying to appease and not disappoint them can turn our kids into self-absorbed meanies. It undermines the family culture and can have adverse effects on the rest of the family. A good way to avoid these feelings of entitlement is to make the kids part of the household team. Thomas suggests giving them responsibilities and chores to do within their abilities and hold them accountable when they don’t meet expectations. They should know the value of work, and everyone within the household should contribute. Make Gratitude the Right Attitude. Constant complaining can be a drain on the family. It makes children unhappy, and it certainly is no joyride for the parents, either. Teaching good gratitude practices, such as using a gratitude journal or counting your blessings, can shift your child’s focus from what they have instead of what they don’t have. If this is a part of everyday life in your household, for example, giving thanks for a meal and asking around the table what everyone is grateful for, then positive feelings will start to cultivate and the negatives will dissipate. “Gratitude is an act of kindness and ingratitude is an act of unkindness,” Thomas says. “We should teach our children what gratitude means and why thankfulness is important. Gratitude is feeling and expressing thanks for the benefits we receive. Why does it matter? Because it makes us feel better, and counting your blessings is the secret of a happy life.” For more, listen to our podcast with Thomas Lickona, Ph.D. on Live Happy Now.
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Girl Writing Letter Home Concept

Write Your Way to Well-Being

The 25 women who had gathered in a windowless Seattle classroom for a writing workshop scribbled furiously for more than two hours in response to instructor Rachel M. Fiala’s “prompts.” In 10-minute sprints they wrote about difficult goodbyes in their lives, about their definitions of beauty, about what the sound of rain reminded them of. At the end of class Rachel gave her students an exercise in self-expression and self-discovery known as expressive writing: Over the next four days, for 20 uninterrupted minutes each day, write down your deepest feelings about an emotional upheaval in your life. Tonya Wilson, one of the most enthusiastic students in the class, would write about her mother abandoning her when she was 13. “The exercise was powerful,” she says. “I got to witness myself as that shattered 13-year-old.” Two years have passed since that writing assignment, but, Tonya says, “Talking about it today I can still feel the lump in my throat. I still mourn for that young girl and I think I always will, but now there is someone mourning for her rather than stuffing her in a closet and refusing to acknowledge her existence and her pain.” That first expressive writing assignment spurred a life-changing turnaround for Tonya. It all took place at the Washington Corrections Center for Women, the state prison where she has been serving time for attempted murder in the first degree since 2002. The Power of Personal Storytelling Expressive writing is a highly structured storytelling technique that guides people to describe their deepest worries and most troubling memories, find new meanings in these experiences and then go on to envision bolder and happier futures for themselves. It was developed in the mid-’80s by researcher James (Jamie) W. Pennebaker, Ph.D., now the Regents Centennial Professor of Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, who was investigating the health impact of a wide range of traumatic experiences—the death of a spouse, natural disasters, sexual or physical abuse, divorce, the Holocaust. He discovered that writing about these traumas in an open and emotional way led to significant improvements in both physical and psychological well-being. Over the past 30 years hundreds of studies have confirmed the benefits of expressive writing. It helps reduce cancer-related symptoms and fatigue, increases immune functioning. leads to fewer doctor visits and enhances memory and sleep. College students who took part in expressive writing improved their grades and were less likely to drop out. Married couples who explored their conflicts through expressive writing were happier in their marriages than their non-writing counterparts. When asthma patients tried it, their lung functions improved while patients with rheumatoid arthritis showed better joint mobility. Putting pen to paper helped veterans suffering from post-traumatic stress better regulate their emotions; their moods improved, their stress levels declined and they were more likely to experience post-traumatic growth. What’s more, expressive writing enhances your well-being in both the short and long term. Immediately after writing about an emotional topic, people had lower blood pressure and heart rates. That was still true months later. Likewise, symptoms of depression, anxiety and rumination declined in the weeks and months after writing about emotional upheavals. Expressive writing can even improve your social life. In an innovative study that Jamie led in 2001, each participant was asked to wear a small tape recorder before and after writing about a deep-seated emotional issue. The results showed that in the weeks after the writing experiences, people were more outgoing, laughed more easily and more often and used more positive emotion words. Writing from a deeply personal place, Jamie concluded, seemed to make people more socially adept: “they were better listeners, talkers—indeed, better friends and partners. How to Do It Expressive writing follows six simple steps: 1. Set aside at least 20 minutes over four consecutive days for writing. Try to write at the same time each day. The best time to write is when you’re not feeling hurried. You can write in a notebook, a pad, a computer. 2.   Write about the issues, conflicts, stressors or upheavals that are keeping you up at night. That can be something that’s happening in the here and now or an experience from the past that still troubles you. (If you’ve faced a huge loss or trauma in the last couple of weeks, it may be too soon for you to write about it.) 3.  Write continuously once you begin. Don’t worry about spelling or grammar. If you want to keep writing after 20 minutes, go ahead. But plan to write for a minimum of 20 minutes. 4.  Really let go and write about your deepest thoughts and feelings around the issue or event you’ve chosen. You can write about the same topic every day or different topics. Explore how the event is tied to other areas of your life—your childhood; people you’ve most loved, feared or felt the most anger toward; your relationships with friends and family; your work life. 5. On your final day of writing, reflect on what you’ve disclosed over the previous three days. How can the meaningful story you’ve constructed help guide your thoughts and behaviors moving forward? Write about how the event is related to who’d you like to become. 6.  Think of expressive writing as a tool that’s always available to you. While it doesn’t replace medical or psychological help when you’re going through a true crisis, a “booster session” can be helpful when you find yourself stymied by a work or personal challenge. The Science Behind the Stories What is it about expressive writing that makes it so effective? “It’s complicated,” researchers say. Joshua M. Smyth, Ph.D., is a professor of biobehavioral health and medicine at Penn State and co-author with Jamie of the upcoming book Opening Up by Writing It Down, Third Edition: How Expressive Writing Improves Health and Eases Emotional Pain. “It seems to help a lot of things a little bit,” Joshua says. It helps people regulate emotions a bit. It helps social relationships a bit. It helps people find their purpose in life a bit, and so on. These small changes feed off one another and over time it leads to big improvements in well-being.” Timothy D. Wilson, Ph.D., the Sherrell J. Aston Professor of Psychology at the University of Virginia and author of Redirect: Changing the Stories We Live By, sees expressive writing as one technique of what he calls “story editing.” We all have personal narratives, he says, about what the world is like and who we are. Sometimes we develop pessimistic stories and get caught in self-defeating thinking. Revising our stories can help us view events through more optimistic lenses and that, in turn, can lead to positive and lasting changes. “Expressive writing helps us reframe events and our history,” Timothy says. “When you try out a different interpretation that shows in your behavior and your attitude and when you realize a payoff, you build on that new behavior.” This type of writing goes deeper than what most of us think about as journaling. That certainly was the case for John F. Evans, who leads expressive writing workshops at Wellness & Writing Connections in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. He’s also the co-author with Jamie of Expressive Writing: Words That Heal. But before he became familiar with Jamie’s work, John had maintained a journal, on and off, through high school, college and early adulthood. During these years he suffered from depression and it wasn’t until he was 40 that he took his first expressive writing workshop. He wrote about something that had remained a never-discussed family secret: the death of his sister when he was 3 years old. Though he would also seek out psychotherapy, the writing, John says, was the beginning of emotional restoration. “I was able to write about my deepest feelings, construct a meaningful narrative and then write about how I wanted to go forward,” he says. “It gave me a measure of control over my life.” That sense of control and narrative was missing from his journals. “When I went back and re-read them,” he says, “I realized they were mainly a place to vent. I kept writing about the same thing in the same way, using the same language. There was no arc in my story; it was a flat line. I was just ruminating on paper.” People who benefit the most from expressive writing use certain types of words throughout the exercise. Their writing includes more positive emotion words, such as love, funny, joy, courageous, calm and thankful, indicating that even while they’re acknowledging painful experiences they’re able to see the upsides. As they move from the first day of writing through the fourth, they go from using mostly first-person pronouns (I, me, mine) to incorporating he, she and they; that shows they’re viewing their emotional upheavals from different perspectives. And, as the days pass, they also sprinkle their writings with words like understand, realize and know, evidence that they’re able to find meaning in loss or distress. When we’re able to “repackage” a stressful event into coherent stories, a couple of important things happen. First, we move toward a sense of resolution that gradually diminishes the power and pain of the disturbing experiences. (Those of us who are brooders and ruminators are especially likely to benefit from expressive writing.) Secondly, we’re less likely to experience intrusive thoughts about the experiences, the kind that disturb our sleep, wreck our focus and even make us less able to stay connected with other people. It’s the equivalent of shutting down those apps that run in the background on our smartphones draining battery life and slowing performance. Closing the Circle Two months after she began serving her sentence, Tonya, in wrist and ankle shackles, would attend the funeral of her mother, who died of her decades-long drug addiction. From her first expressive writing assignment through many more, Tonya struggled to understand and forgive her mother. As she wrote she began to heal. “Expressive writing,” she says, “allowed me to see that my life has a purpose and my pain has a purpose.” She began to see her future as working toward prison reform and real, effective rehabilitation for inmates and others at the margins of society, including addicts. Transformation, she says, can take place only within a support system that sees the value and promise of every life and where people have a stake in each other’s success. In 2015, Tonya described her vision in a poetic and passionate TEDx talk. “True rehabilitation,” she said, “occurs through connections with others. Every time I’ve gotten better it’s because I’ve seen the possibility of healing or strength in another person. Every time I’ve been the model for someone else, lives have changed.” She would conclude her talk to a standing ovation. “Don’t underestimate the value of your own story simply because there is suffering it in,” Tonya said. “You may just be the catalyst for someone else’s rehabilitation. Continue with patience, with compassion and with an open heart." This article originally appeared in the June 2016 edition of Live Happy magazine.
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