Blue jay in flight

Embrace Life

Everyone must deal with grief in his or her own way, but because of all that I have been through, I can offer some ideas for surviving—and even thriving—after great loss.In the space of a decade, I lost several members of my family, including my husband, brother and son. Some days it felt like a battering ram of grief was aimed directly at my gut; others, like I was a bowling pin, barely reset only to have another ball knock me down.As a chaplain at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas, with years of experience working with grieving families, I thought I should be able to handle this. But I couldn't—not without seeking help and spiritual reflection, as well as connecting to other people through a grief recovery group.Coming back to lifeHere are a few things that rejuvenated my soul and helped me find my way back to living fully again.1. Read something positive every morningIt might be scriptures, poetry or just something funny, but I find that starting the day with positive input helps my perspective. Waiting until afternoon or night doesn’t have the same effect. Jump-starting the day with something energizing or inspiring helps me focus on what I have, not what I’ve lost. I end every reading session with a prayer for strength, and that seems to help, too.2. Make some major changesDuring my recovery, I had to take some time for myself and take care of myself. In my case that meant taking time off from a stressful job and admitting I could not continue working as a chaplain focused on people near the end of life and their loved ones. It meant learning to accept that occasional waves of tears were natural healing agents to be welcomed, not avoided. It meant there were days when I would lapse back into deep sadness. Eventually, I sought out professional counseling, which proved invaluable.3. Find a grief recovery group that fits youI stumbled upon the bookThe Grief Recovery Handbookby Russell Friedman and John W. James. First, I worked through the handbook’s method informally with a friend, then I trained at The Grief Recovery Institute with Russell Friedman to be a certified group facilitator. I began to offer an outreach program in groups at work and church. The method worked for me because it helped me look at all my life's losses, my patterns of dealing with them and the points at which I was getting stuck.4. Find a recovery method you trustUsing the Grief Recovery Outreach Program method,I identified the relationship that was causing me the most emotional pain, and learned that I needed to complete any unfinished communications with that person in order to move on with my life.I was able to make peace with the suicide of my brother partly by writing a letter to him that included all my pent-up feelings about our relationship and his death. Surrounded by the love and support of our group, I read the letter aloud and felt a remarkable wave of release and pure joy. I was finally able to disassociate from the pain of his suicide, and be thankful once more for his life.5. Suspend disbeliefIt helped me greatly to imagine that I would stay spiritually connected to those who "lift off," as my son Jonathan described his impending death. I noticed not long after my father died that when I was feeling dejected and missing him, a cardinal would fly over or pause on a branch above me. It happened so frequently I came to see cardinals as messengers from my father.Jonathan knew about this and promised that, once he was gone, he would send a blue jay as his messenger of love and encouragement. (There are two blue jays playing in my birdbath this morning as I write this.)6. Find fun againDuring my grieving, I spent several months being a morose couch potato. That could have continued indefinitely, because people assumed I might not be ready. And they were often right. But I needed to get out, and I really appreciated the ones who let me invite myself to join in whatever they were doing. For example, I put myself “up for adoption” for the first Christmas after my husband died, and I had a lovely time in Birmingham, Alabama, with a best friend’s extended family.7. Embrace lifeC.S. Lewis wrote, "To grieve is to know you have loved and loved well." That is true, and grief is, as theGrief Recovery Handbookdefines, "the normal reaction to loss." But living happy is, I would add, the normal reaction tolife...one that is possible to achieve even during times of grief. One graduate of the grief group said it perfectly, when we were all sharing our main takeaway from the program: "I learned that I didn't die—he did, and I want toliveagain!" I claimed his theory for my own, and life is good.
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Young man with laptop

Happiness 101

You probably learned a number of useful things in school: reading, writing, arithmetic. But no matter how fantastic your teacher, it’s doubtful that “How to be happy” was included in the lesson plan.Luckily, it’s never too late. September marks the inaugural run of The Science of Happiness, a free online class for happiness seekers worldwide.Teaching happinessThis “massive open online course” (MOOC) is the first of its kind devoted exclusively to positive psychology. Instructors Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., and Emiliana Simon-Thomas, Ph.D., will teach students science-based skills for greater happiness and wellbeing.“We’re going to dig into what we think are the most direct paths to happiness and health,” says Dacher, who is also the founding faculty director of University of California at Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center.Connections, compassion, kindnessDacher says the 10-week course will zero in on scientifically proven methods for greater happiness, from building strong social connections with friends and family to the power of compassion and kindness.Students can also expect to learn a bit about their own brain, as well as practical applications for happiness. “We’re taking great care to have reflective practices that our students can engage in, like writing a gratitude diary, learning different techniques to be mindful, how to read people’s emotions more effectively—the tested practices that people can start to integrate,” Dacher says.Visiting scholarsJoining in the discussions will be noted experts from the field of positive psychology, including neuropsychologist Rick Hanson, Ph.D.; The Myths of Happinessbest-selling author Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D.; and mindful meditation teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D.So, can students really boost their happiness in just two months? Absolutely, Dacher says. “Even more important, [students will] have a sense of what they can work on to get happier. I think it’ll give them a little purpose—a little extra meaning in life.”“The Science of Happiness” launches Sept. 9. Register at either GreaterGood.Berkeley.edu or EdX.org, or opt in at any time to audit the course.
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Happy older woman

How to Be Happy at 90

The number of people living in the90-and-up age bracket is the largest it has ever been and will continue to growat a record pace. Now that there aremore of us sticking around longer,promising research into our longevity isstarting to show that there are some things we can do as we age to retain a good quality ofour life. Groundbreaking study For the past decade, Dr. ClaudiaKawas, a geriatric neurologist andprofessor at the University ofCalifornia–Irvine, and a team ofresearchers have been studying theeffects of aging and dementia on people90 years of age and older in California’sLaguna Woods retirement community. One of the longest and largestpopulation studies ever conducted onthe oldest of the old, the 90+ Studyoffers interesting insights on longevitythat should make you optimistic aboutreaching the later years in your life. Whether or not we’ll be having the same discussion in 25 years aboutpeople living past the century mark,Claudia believes we will all soon bemore familiar with the term“supercentenarian." Vitamins Surprisingly, thestudy is finding supplemental vitaminsseem to have little to no effect onlongevity. This is especially true with vitamins A, C and E. Alcohol and Coffee People who drink up to two alcoholicdrinks a day have a 15 percent reducedrisk of death over their teetotaling counterparts. One to three cups ofcoffee daily are proving to be betterthan none at all. Weight As we enter our lateryears, it’s better to have a little more inthe midsection, the study is finding.People who are slightly overweight intheir 70s tend to live longer than thosewho are underweight. Exercise The less active weare, the more prone we are to developdisorders like dementia. The activitiesdon’t have to be strenuous, either—walking, dancing and even gardeningup to 45 minutes a day can add years toour lives. Leisure Activities People who spend more than threehours a day on nonphysical activities,such as reading, solving puzzles orvisiting with friends, tend to have adecrease in mortality and a lower prevalence of developing dementia.
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Two women embracing

4 Ways to Spark and Spread a Positive Mood

No one can be in a good mood all the time, but since our emotions effect not just ourselves but also those around us (friends, coworkers, family), it's important to know how to make yourself feel better when you're in a funk. Here are some techniques to try out when you need an emotional boost. 1. Label your emotion Thismay sound counterintuitive, but justnaming your emotion out loud can startto change it. When you’reauthentic, people can tell.Researchershave found that just saying “I’manxious” or “I’m worried” allows thenegative emotion to dissipate muchmore quickly. So when you’re upset withyour spouse, friend or colleague, don’thesitate to say, “I feel upset about…” 2. Take deep breaths Try it now. While you’rereading this. Take a breath. Andanother. How do you feel? A little morerelaxed in the chest and shoulder area?Try this when your spouse or child sayssomething upsetting. Step aside—go to the kitchen or the bathroom or onto thefront porch and take a few deep breaths.No one will miss you, and you will comeback refreshed. This is one of thesimplest things to do, but it’s one of thehardest to remember! 3. Go for a walk We can’t emphasize how many studies stress thebenefits of being outdoors and theeffects it can have on your mood andstress level. So, if you feel that you’reabout to crash into a negative mood,take a few minutes and go for a walkoutside. The worst thing you can dois sit at your desk and continue todwell on it. 4. Move it! Surprisingly, doing a stretch, standingwith good posture and smiling allcontribute to a good mood. Performing aphysical activity—like doing fivejumping-jacks or being silly withanother physical movement, can changeyour attitude.Keep in mind that one of thesetechniques may work better than theothers for you, so experiment and seewhich works best and when. Margaret H. Greenberg and Senia Maymin, are organizational consultants and executive coaches, and authors ofProfit from the Positive: Proven Leadership Strategies to Boost Productivity and Transform Your Business. For more information about Senia and Margaret, go toProfitFromThePositive.com.
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Painting from Frisco_high res-sized.jpg

Better Together

Recently the Live Happy staff decided to take a painting class together.(We were inspired by our own story, “Let It Go,” in the June issue.)As part of the class, we had pre-chosen a piece of artwork for inspirationand then were led step by step through the painting process by a seasoned pro.At the end of our session, we lined up three deep, holding our creations for aseries of phone photos. The wall opposite us was mirrored, so when we held upour paintings in front of our faces for the last shot, I could see what the camerasaw by peeking around my still-tacky canvas. Without our faces in thepicture, our paintings, deeply colored and graphic, popped together—likepieces of a puzzle. “They’re better together,” I thought.Perhaps this came to mind because we were currently working on thisissue, which has a community theme. Communities can be a major sourceof happiness, support and joy. If we’re fortunate, we’re born into aloving, caring community and then grow up and raise our families inequally good ones.When we’re happy at work, it often means that our co-workers and we are also a community. When we stand uptogether—to cheer a local team, sing a song of praise, run for a causeor toast a neighborhood friend on his 80th—we feel the bonds ofcommunity.Communities are as different as we are as individuals,but they all have this in common: It takes two or more people tomake a community. We’re better together.Our paintings are now hanging in the Live Happy office, groupedtogether into one bold statement of happiness and unity.Whether you’re reading Live Happy or have visitedlivehappy.com for the first or 20th time, you are part of agrowing community of people that cares about happiness.We’re better together!
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Three high school grads

The Promise of Positive Education

A 2011 University of Pennsylvania study followed 300 students through a year of middle school, measuring their good and bad feelings (depression, positiveemotion, life satisfaction) and how teachers rated their classroom behavior.The study found negative emotions (depression and anxiety) did not predict academic achievement, but positive emotions actually did. Students in the positive group had higher grades thatkept increasing the next year.In particular, researchers concluded, character strengths are the “mostpromising lever for increasing academic achievement.”The most promising leverNot your GPA. Not whether you can ace standardized tests. Not your IQ.Not whether you come from a two-parent home, listened to Baby Mozartas an infant and spent your Saturdays at museums. Not how many homes youbuilt for Habitat for Humanity or hoursyou practiced basketball on an actualcourt instead of in front of an Xbox.Now, let’s not ignore those typicalmeasures, as some of them may beindicative of character strengths. If youare in the top 5 percent of your class,scored a 2100 on your SAT, or are thestar player on your basketball teambecause you get up at 6 a.m. every dayto practice, it’s likely you are resilient…or “gritty” as researchers say.Grit is just one of many characterstrengths positive psychologyresearchers are focused on these days,but it seems to be the one gaining themost headlines.It owes much of its newfound fame toAngela Duckworth, Ph.D., an associateprofessor of psychology at Penn Stateand a 2013 recipient of the MacArthurFoundation “genius” grant for herresearch on grit and self-control as traitsthat predict success.Angela is co-developer of the “GritSurvey,” a 22-statement evaluationthat is quite predictive of futuresuccess with questions like “I do notalways finish what I begin” and “I amdoggedly persistent.” The test measuresperseverance for long-term goals andcan predict grade success at selectiveuniversities, retention at elite military academies (better than the U.S. MilitaryAcademy at West Point’s own tests) andranking in a national spelling bee.Angela’s mentor is Martin E.P.Seligman, Ph.D., who took psychologyin a completely different directionas the founder of “positive psychology,”studying what makes people happyinstead of what makes them need Prozac.“[Angela’s] notion of grit seems toencompass—to varying degrees—thecharacter of perseverance, self-regulation,zest, curiosity and hope,” says MarkLinkins, consultant for educationalpractices at the Values in Action Instituteon Character in Cincinnati. “It seemsthat grit is the nearest thing we have to a‘secret sauce’ for success. When we lookat the list of those who have achieved great success… in their respective fields, it is evidence that talent alone doesn’texplain much.“Grit is what sustains dedication to atask across time. Without that sustaineddedication, we may have bursts ofinspiration and creativity, but such shortbursts only rarely create anything oflasting value.”Grit researchJane Gillham, Ph.D., co-director of thePenn Resiliency Project, contributeda chapter on resilience to the Oxford Handbook of Happinessreleased inJanuary2013. She reports thatAngela and Martin’s research in2005 found that self-discipline wasa stronger predictor of adolescents’grades than their IQ. She also notes that research from 2009 by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health ServicesAdministration showed programs thatteach coping, problem-solving skillsand social competence also improvedspecific academic cognitive skills,grades, standardized testing scoresand graduation rates.In addition, she found that two-thirds of U.S. adults thinkschools should educate studentson their social, emotional andbehavioral needs.“When people think about resilience,”Jane writes, “major adversities typicallycome to mind. For example, the childwho performs well in school and whodevelops close connections to others, despite enduring years of abuse andneglect. The process of resilience isalso reflected in positive adaptation in response to everyday stresses (conflicts with peers, low marks in school) andcommon life transitions (the birth of asibling, the break-up of a relationshipduring adolescence).”Jane advocates integrating lessonson grit and resiliency in schools—notjust as a by-the-way mention by a well intentionedteacher, but explicitly as partof the curriculum.Gregory Park, a post-doctoral fellowstudying positive psychology at theUniversity of Pennsylvania, recentlypublished a white paper on wellbeingand achievement that draws heavily fromthe research by Martin and Angela.Gregory discusses the perseverancepiece of the predictive puzzle: “Inparticular, the strengths of self controland perseverance are powerfulpredictors of many of the desired outcomes from students, inside andoutside of the classroom. These nonintellectualstrengths are related tothe capacity to delay gratification andsustain effort through difficult tasks.”Martin and Angela’s researchshows self-control and perseverancepredict grades, absences, at-homestudy habits, classroom conduct andhomework completion.So why isn’t resiliency a class just likegeometry? Some schools are workingon that.Austin ISDLast Halloween, a huge section ofAustin, Texas, was flooded. Five peopledied; 8,500 homes lost power; morethan 500 homes were damaged; and Perez Elementary School closed fortwo days.When the school reopened Mondaymorning, counselors were on-siteto help the kids process what hadhappened. The district’s Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) coach wasthere, too.Sherrie Raven, director of thedistrict’s SEL department, remembersthe students telling stories about howthey waited on top of their houses forboats to rescue them.“The kids were able to say, ‘I was really scared but I used my deep breathsto calm down’ or ‘I used my self-talk to say I’m going to be OK, I can staycalm,’ ” Sherrie says. “It’s one of thebest examples I’ve seen of the resiliencethat we’ve helped build in these kids.They had the grit and self-awareness tosay, ‘I’m going to be OK. I’m not goingto panic.’ These are little guys, and theyhave that language.”Now, language isn’t better grades.But this is evidence to Sherrie thather program is on the right track.And research looking at 213 SEL programs (250,000 students) agrees.Gregory writes that when resilience is taught in the classroom, grades and standardized testscores increased by 11 percent.Positive social behaviors and attitudesabout school, self and others increased9 percent. Andadolescent depression, anxiety andconduct problems decreased by 9 percent.Research from SEL and the PennResiliency Program (a school-basedintervention that is an offshoot of theuniversity’s resiliency research) has shown that“school-based interventions can havereal, lasting effects on student wellbeing,”Gregory writes.SEL centers on five guiding principles:self-awareness, self-management,social awareness, relationship skills andresponsible decision-making.From elementary through high schoolAustin ISD, the academic home to87,000 students, is among the first publicschool districts in the nation to bringSEL into the school day. The departmentopened in July 2011 and beganintroducing SEL into its vertical teamstructures (elementary schools that feedinto middle schools, which feed intohigh schools). The five vertical teamsleft will be included within the next twoschool years.The first two high schools tointegrate the SEL curriculum in Austinhad a very clear reason why: One had11 deaths on its campus within a year—some natural, some accidental, somesuicides. The other had seen promisingstudents drop out of college aftergraduation because they didn’t havethe grit to continue, “the ability to say,‘That really sucked but I can move on,’ ” as Sherrie describes it.Rudolph “Keeth” Matheny is anSEL instructional coach at one of thoseschools, Austin High School. Here’s one of his grit lessons: Take a piece of paperand draw a big square. Divide that intoquarters. Divide those into quarters.How many squares to you have?“The non-gritty say 16 and put theirheads down,” Keeth says. “Kids who aregritty see the whole thing is a square,so 17. And I guess each of the boxes is asquare, so 21. Then there’s a square inthe middle, so 22. Then each side hasfour more, so 26. There are three-by-three squares, four of those, so thereare 30.“I give a prize to the kid who findsthe 30 squares.Was it intelligence that enabled this student to see how many squares there were? Was it that he knew the answer? No. What caused him to accomplish this task differently than everybody else in the room? The answer is he persevered. He was willing to challenge himself to push through to­ find more squares. That’s what grit is.” More than 200 teachers have visited Austin ISD’s SEL program in the past year, observing what teachers like Keeth are doing. SELs don’t call such lessons “character,” as Martin, Angela and other researchers do. But the life lessons are quite similar.​“We have a lesson in kindergartenon how we feel feelings in our bodies.Anger feels different than embarrassed,”Sherrie says. “In middle school, we havelessons about whether bullying can everbe an accident. In high school, we talkabout setting goals and making plans.All along the way, you have lessons inmanaging your own emotions. How do you handle anger, disappointment?How do you keep going? How do you joina group on the playground? How do youuse self-talk to keep going on somethingthat’s hard?”That’s where the grit comes in.“Your classroom teacher can say inmath class, ‘When I get to a problemthat makes me really want to give up, I really have to use some self-talk to say:‘I know how to do this. I can do this,’ ”Sherrie says. “Having the classroomteachers introduce the curriculumreally lets us work on that integration of learning throughout the school.”Austin’s goal is to eventually have“self-talk” on the day’s agenda, just likefractions. For now, though, the skills are woven into traditional academic lessonsas they are written by theSELteam.For example, while working on a scienceexperiment, students are instructed towork on making sure everybody gets aturn to talk. At the end of the lesson,students are asked to rate themselves ona scale of 1 to 5 on how they did withletting everyone talk and are asked torate their groups.“We make it visible,” Sherrie says.Resilience at KIPPTrinity Mann is in her second year at theKIPPIn­finityMiddle School in New York City. The sixth-grade student struggledat her previous magnet school, so much sothat her confidencewas shaken, says hermom, Nicole.“If she would take a test and felt she gotone wrong, she was defeated,” Nicole says.“And for the rest of the test, even if sheknew the material, she’d already given up.”Nicole called it Trinity’s need to “snapback.” The Knowledge Is Power Program(KIPP) calls it her grit.Dave Levin and Mike Feinberg foundedKIPPin a Houston public school classroomof 47 kids in 1994. Today,KIPPis a publiccharter school with 141 campuses nationwide,serving 50,000 students in 20 states andWashington, D.C.KIPProlled out a morestructured character strength program inNew York City in 2009.KIPPfocuses on the seven characterstrengths Dave developed with Angelaand Chris Peterson, Ph.D.: grit,zest, self-control, social intelligence,gratitude, optimism and curiosity.Trinity has lessons in grit onTuesdays and Thursdays. But she usesthose lessons every day, according toher mother, who says she’s seen an 80to 90 percent improvement in Trinity’sability to snap back since she startedattendingKIPPIn­finity. She shows gritin everything from math to dance.When Trinity was in the ­fifthgrade,she told her non­fictionteacher atKIPP she didn’t feel con­fident about her classwork. “He pushed me to dobetter, and I actually made a goodgrade,” she says. “And that wasmy goal.”Why is grit important to her?Because she wants to get into a topcollege, not just a college. That’s just what Dave had in mind back when hecreated the character program.“We always said our mission wascharacter and academic skills for collegeand life,” Dave says. “Anyone who spendsany time teaching or with kids knowsthat issues like self-control and grit andgratitude are important things to talk tokids about. Yet, we really didn’t know thescience behind it.”That was until Dave met Martinand Angela. “We’re working on goingbeyond the language of grit and lookingat the actual behaviors associated with it….I think that reallyclari­fiesfor people what grit really means,” Dave says.KIPP focuses on ­fivegrit-speci­fic behaviors: finishwhat you begin,stick with an activity for more than afew weeks, try hard after failure, staycommitted to goals and keep workinghard, even when you feel like quitting.“What you’re really trying to get kids to do is understand that there are repeatable behaviors that they can do to be gritty,” he says. “You’re alsotrying to work with teachers on how to structure your classroom and yourschools to create situations where kidsget to do these repeatable behaviors.For example, do students haveenough structure to sustain rigorous,independent practice in class—timeby themselves or with another student,working independent of a teacher—tokeep going?”Speci­fic to Angela’s research,KIPPschools are asking teachers to increasethe amount of independent practicewithin their lessons and to work onbuilding stamina for reading.“That requires workingindependently with focus, not givingup when you get frustrated,” Daveexplains. “We’re intentionally teachingkids strategies to build their stamina,while, as the kids get older, we’reteaching them short- and long-termgoal-setting. When kids receive theirtests back in, say, math class, some ofour teachers are having kids creategoals for the next week: ‘How am Igoing to study for next week’s test?What am I going to do differently?’"VIA Institute onCharacterMartin’s work with VIA resultedin the classi­fication of 24 characterstrengths.KIPP narrowed the 24 down to the ones with the strongest correlation toacademic achievement. VIA’s approach is similar, but focuses on the concept of “signature strengths.” “Each of us has a unique constellation of strengths,” VIA consultant Mark explains. “How can we help each student and teacher understand their own strengths pro­file? How do they use that pro­file to learn, achieve, connect with others? Ourapproach is respecting the individualcontent of each person’s character andshining a light on that.”The Newark Boys Chorus School,Shanghai American School and BellaVista Elementary School have usedVIA’s character strength approach.Jennifer Fisher, who taught ­first grade at Shanghai’s American Schoolwhen the school introduced VIAcharacter strengths into the curriculum,started the conversation during readingtime, highlighting strengths in thepicture book’s characters: “A word like‘perseverance,’ it’s a very big word. Butif you explain it to them and that itmeans you keep trying and you don’t give up, they’ll remember theword—‘perseverance.’ ”Mark doesn’t necessarily thinkgrit is more important for academicachievement today than it was 50 years ago. Students today facedifferent challenges. “While I think the ‘grit formula’ hasalways been in play, it may have greaterrelevance for students today simplybecause the opportunities to make one’smark seem to be somewhat more limitedthan they were at one time, due totechnology, a shrinking workforce, etc.,”he says. “When competition increases,perhaps grit becomes a more valuablecommodity. From an evolutionarystandpoint, this certainly makes sense.”Can You Make KidsMore—or Less—Gritty?Resilience education, as taught throughthe Penn Resiliency Program, focuseson six strengths: emotional competence,self-control, problem-solving anddecision-making, social awareness,social competence, self-ef­ficacy andrealistic optimism.Gregory’s research indicates resiliencyis at least malleable, “making it a primetarget for interventions.”“The breadth of places where grit hasproved impactful is really incredible,”Dave says. “There are differentchallenges faced at different ages inpeople of different backgrounds, butsome of these character skills remain thesame. The frustrations and challengesaffluent kids or low-income kids facemay look different from time to time,yet both sets of kids need to be ableto get over their frustrations, to workindependently and focus. I think that’swhy Angela’s research is so powerfuland why so many people are so into itright now.”Are overly involved “helicopterparents” parenting in a way that’s counterproductive to the importance of developing grit in their kids? Maybe.“One way to think about it thatI share with parents and teachers isthat it is always safe to fail around thework kids are doing,” Dave says. “It isalways safe for kids to make mistakesin the essay they’re writing or the mathproject they’re doing or when learning to play the piano or violin. Mistakes areactually there for learning.”Sherrie agrees: “It is critical we teachthe kids, ‘You can do this yourself.’ ”In April, Austin ISD’s Keethspoke at a congressional hearing inWashington, D.C., hosted by theCommittee for Children on the topic ofteaching character strengths like grit inschool. His goal was not for parents towish their kids were in his classroom,but that his lessons were in everystudent’s classroom.“Everybody is all about the commoncore, math scores, biology scores,” hesays. “They don’t realize that it’s lessonslike this—like grit and mindset—thatmake all of those things better. Whenyou teach a kid to persevere, that you’renot born with math skills, that kidachieves way more. And that’s whenscores go up.”
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Max dressed as a fireman

Love Him to the Max

It's 7:15 on a Saturday morning and my son, Max, is sitting in bed with me, watching Disney Junior and snorting. (He has allergies.) "Ih-hoo NOW!" he says. (Translation: "Tissue now!") I'm not psyched to roll out of bed and grab a tissue. And yet I smile, because I'm impressed: Embedded in his request are a whole lot of wonders. Max is communicating, trying his best to articulate words. He is expressing a need. He understands the immediacy. Then he blows his nose. "Good job!" I say, and I mean it; until a few years ago, he didn't get how to do that.Booger controlBooger control isn't something that typically gets parents excited. "Able to expel snot" isn't a milestone you'll find listed on any child development website or in those What to Expect books. Yet as the mom of a child with cerebral palsy and intellectual disability, for me this is an exciting moment. I relish them all—even the seemingly icky ones.Max had a stroke at birth (yes, babies can have strokes) that resulted in brain damage. Doctors didn't give my husband and me much hope; they said Max might never walk or talk, and that he could have significant cognitive impairment. Max was in the NICU for two weeks, and the months that followed were the grimmest ones of my life. Why had this happened to my baby? I didn't want to talk with friends. I wept a lot.Go Max, Go!But Max, well, he didn't know from despair. He smiled at 2 months old, right on time; kept up the good cheer; and generally tried the best he could. We got him a ton of therapy to help with movement and speech; cerebral palsy messes with your muscles, making even activities like chewing or waving a challenge. Every single bit of progress was cause for celebration: Max grasped a block! Max made a babbling sound! Max stood while holding onto the sofa!One night, my husband and I took Max out to dinner when he was about 18 months old. We placed the car seat on the table so we could speak with him; the speech therapists told us to talk with him as much as possible. I gave him a roll to hold onto. A couple minutes later, Max flung it onto another table. "YEAH!!!" I exclaimed, thrilled that he had maneuvered his arm like that. The couple at the adjoining table glared at me, most likely thinking I was the rudest mom in the universe. How could I explain?A different set of milestonesBy the time Max was 2 years old, he was commando-crawling around the house like an army solider. His arms weren't strong enough to hold him up, but he was determined to move his body however he could. At 3 years old, he toddled across his room and into my arms.Hitting a milestone like walking seemed miraculous, yet Max's smaller achievements also put me on a high. Not only were they reassuring, they kept me grounded. Of course, I wanted Max to do the major stuff typically developing kids did: to speak words, ride a bike, read. Yet hoping too hard and too much only left me anxious; taking heart in the mini-milestones helped my spirits progress.Managing expectationsOne of the toughest parts of being a mom of a kid with special needs is letting go of your fantasies about what life as a parent was supposed to be like and finding your new happy. The passage of time helps, as does the realization that being a mopey mess does your kid no good. For me, blogging has become an amazing outlet to express concerns and inspire other moms. The occasional cathartic cry in the shower also comes in handy.Max is 11 now, and as good-humored as ever (every therapist, doctor and specialist who meets him falls under his spell). He walks really well, and rides an adaptive tricycle like a speed demon. He has challenges using his hands, but does the best he can. He talks in his own way, and although I know what he's saying, it's hard for others to decipher. So he has a speech app on his iPad that he uses to speak words for him, and he's downright masterful at navigating it. He's bright—he has started reading and does basic math. He is on his own timeline, and I am in no rush.Max's favorite song is "Happy" by Pharrell Williams. When he hears it, his face lights up, and he literally does a happy dance. It is impossible not to get a lift when he does it. Yes, it's über-cute, but this is also what I see: Max is moving his feet in rhythm to the beat! Max is raising both arms in the air! Max is singing along!As always, there is so, so much to be happy about.
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Woman working out on mountain

Fit for Happiness

As a fitness instructor, motivational speaker and lifestyle coach, Chalene Johnson has heard it hundreds of times: “If I can just lose 20 pounds, I’ll be happy.” Or, “I’ll be happy once I getback in shape.” The problem is, she says, it doesn’t work that way.“Most people assume that if they can achieve their physical goals, they’ll be happy. So they go to extreme measures, and either they fail because the goal was too big, or they succeed at their goal, but find out it doesn’t change how they feelabout themselves—so they still perceivethemselves as failing.”While setting personal health and fitness goals is important, believing thathappiness will come from reaching thosegoals can set someone up for failure. “Happiness never comes from theoutside,” Chalene says. “It comes froma combination of all areas of our lives.Certainly, a lot of people start from theoutside, but it is the other changes theymake in their lives along the way thattruly make them happy.”She says working on fitness goals mayhelp put other areas of life in balance. Forexample, people may work fewer hours orspend less time in front of the television;they might start eating healthier mealsand make better choices. As all of those different areas of their lifebegin aligning, they are less likelyto self-medicate with food oralcohol—and as a result, theyfeel happier overall.Chalene’s observations, whichcome from more than 20 years of fitness and lifestyle coaching, havegrowing scientific evidence toback them up. Tim Sharp,Ph.D., executive coach,clinical psychologistand adjunct professorat the University of Technology, Sydney, Business School and RMIT University & School of Health Sciences, is alsofounder of The Happiness Institute,based in Sydney. His research theory, called “The Primacy of Positivity,”proposes that practicing the principlesof positive psychology and doing what isnecessary to create a happy life must bethe first step—not the end result.Taking such an approach “will boostmotivation and energize a person tothen do more of what they need to do,such as live a healthy life,” he says. “Allof these principles are very possible before goal attainment.”Delaying HappinessThe belief that happiness comes from reaching goals can actually have a negative effect on people, creating what Tim calls “the tyranny of when.” “[This] is the phenomenon resulting from a group of related thoughts and beliefs associated with imagined and seemingly desirable, but currently unreached, goals,” he explains. “For example, ‘I’ll be happy when…I have more money, a bigger house or a better job.’”In a paper published in theMarch 2011 edition of Coaching: AnInternational Journal of Theory, Researchand Practice, Tim explains how “thetyranny of when” can thwart goals andlead to a range of problems, includingnegative and self-defeating emotions.When someone is operating under“the tyranny of when” and fails toreach a goal, they may have already talked themselves out of being happy.As a result, any success or progressthey might have made on the way toreaching that goal is discounted. Forexample, instead of being happy aboutlosing eight pounds and celebrating thataccomplishment, someone might bedisappointed because they didn’t losethe 10 pounds they had intended.As a countermeasure, Tim isamong those who propose a newapproach that challenges the traditionof working toward goals. He arguesthat achievement and success are moreattainable if happiness and positivity arecreated first.“So even if happiness is not anexplicit goal in and of itself, it shouldstill be seen as a highly useful means toa desired end.”Reversing theThought ProcessShawn Achor, author of the books Before Happiness and The Happiness Advantage says the practice of attaching happiness to a goal or accomplishment is “scientifically broken" and believesit interferes not only with our overallhappiness, but with our outcomesand success.“Every time you record a victory,your brain changes the goal post of whatsuccess looks like,” he notes, addingthat it means we will always need a newaccomplishment to continue feelingsuccessful. However, research Shawnhas conducted at Harvard Universityindicates that the level of happinesscreated by the success doesn’t change orincrease with each success; it remainsthe same.In other words, greatersuccess does not, by itself, translate togreater levels of happiness.“But flip around the formula,prioritize creating a positive brain inthe present, and suddenly, every singlebusiness and educational outcomerises,” he says. “Raise happiness levelsin the present and your success raterises dramatically.”Successfully reaching personalweight and fitness goals requiresbecoming realistic about what one wantsto accomplish, and about the result thatreaching that goal will have.“Part of the frustration that canoftentimes come from trying to speedtoward certain goals is that sometimesthose goals are irrational,” he says.“Start with a realistic assessment ofwhere you are, but maintain the beliefthat your behavior matters in thepresent: ‘Can I work out today?’ ”That’s a simpler and more attainablegoal than vowing to exercise six days aweek.Looking at the goal in smaller,bite-size pieces makes it moremanageable, and creates more victoriesto celebrate. It also helps us stay positiveand makes us less likely to berateourselves if we have an “off” day,knowing it can be compensated for thenext day. Becoming more realistic andstaying committed while not makinghappiness contingent upon the outcomeare important shifts in thinking thatallow us to accept ourselves morereadily—and be able to celebrate theaccomplishment of simply takingbetter care of ourselves. And, bestof all, pursuing a healthier and more fitlifestyle will automatically supporteach individual’s personal questfor happiness.Which Comes First?Dr. John Ratey, an associate professorof psychiatry at Harvard and the authorof the book Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain explains that exercise and happinessgo hand-in-hand. The challenge liesin getting people to recognize its many benefits and stop looking at it merely as a tool for physical attractiveness.“There’s a feeling among many people that exercise is work, and that’s a problem,” he says. “They see it as a chore or as work instead of seeing it assomething that has tremendous benefits to them. We are such a push-button,immediate digitalized response world that we demand change immediately,and that’s our downfall when it comes to exercise. If people are using thisto improve their outward physicalappearance, they know it’s going to takesome time.”However, he says anyone whoexercises can enjoy immediate benefits,even though they aren’t necessarily the kind of results that will show up on thescale in the morning.“People talk a lot about endorphinsthat are released through exercise,but that is just part of it,” John says.“When we begin exercising, we almost immediately begin releasing dopamine,norepinephrine and serotonin. Thoseare all neurotransmitters that deal with feelings of reward, alertness,contentment and feelings of wellbeing.”Even more importantly, the brain begins to secrete something known as “brain-derived neurotrophic factor,” or BDNF, a protein that is associated with the growth and development of neurons within the brain. John calls BDNF “brain fertilizer,” noting that it has been proven effective in combating both depression and anxiety, and even has been successful in fighting substance abuse issues.Exercise: The Stress Killer“In general, it allows us to combatstress hormones directly within thebody, but also to combat outsidestresses overall. And all of those thingscontribute to our feelings of happiness.”John says the key to enjoying a fitnessregimen—and therefore, increasing theodds of staying with it—is to understandthe immediate benefits it creates andbegin appreciating what it can do in theshort term rather than focusing on long-termbenefits.“People know that it’s going to havelong-term effects; it can fight depressionand Alzheimer’s and help them loseweight,” he says. “But we’ve become tooaccustomed to only placing an emphasison the physical. There are tremendousimmediate emotional and cognitiveeffects to exercise.”Maintaining a commitment to fitness can create a sense of mastery and pride in accomplishment—while at the same time, triggering a series of positive neural responses within the brain. It can lower blood pressure and blood sugar levels in just a few minutes, and it improves mood and enhances the quality of sleep. John says it doesn’t matter what the activity is; regardless of whether it’s yoga, CrossFit, weightlifting or Zumba, any exercise that stresses and challenges the brain will engage it immediately and set the benefits in motion. In fact, he notes that the brain is more engaged during exercise than it is during any other activity—including studying.“The thing that people need to thinkabout is that they are doing somethingto make them feel better today,” Johnsays. “When you exercise and increaseyour overall feeling of wellbeing fortoday, you’re going to feel better abouteverything that happens that day. You’regoing to feel happier overall.”A 2013 study by Katherine M.Appleton of Queen’s University inBelfast, U.K., published in the Journalof Health Psychology further illustratesJohn’s point. Her study showed thatregular exercise helped people feelbetter about themselves and theirappearance—even when there wereno obvious outward physical changes.Participants were divided into twocontrol groups; one group spent 40minutes reading six days a week, theother group spent that same amount oftime exercising. Neither group showedchanges in their appearance, but at theend of the study, the exercise groupshowed marked improvement in theirbody image, while the reading groupshowed no change in their body image.Katherine wrote that her study“confirm(ed) current theories of bodyimage, where changes in body imageare mediated by body perceptions asopposed to actual body indices.” Whatshe saw firsthand was that exercisecan help improve body image and mindset, even if no weight was lost or ifmeasurable improvements were made inthe shapes of their bodies.Katherine’s findings are similar tothose being made by other psychologistsand scientists around the globe.Many experts today believe that thelink between physical activity andhappiness is inextricably linked,and that exercise is a way to unleashhappiness—something that could play apivotal role in helping people reach theirpersonal health and fitness goals.Reaching Realistic GoalsHarvard psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D., who teaches a course on positive psychology, frequently preaches a gospel of exercise to induce and maintain happiness. “Physical exercise, three times a week, is equivalent to some of our most powerful psychiatric drugs in terms of its effect on depression and anxiety,” he said during the PBS television program, Life (Part 2).He has frequently been quoted as saying avoiding exercise is the equivalent to taking depressants. And Niyc Pidgeon, a U.K.-based positive psychologist specializing in physical activity, sport and exercise, has created a performance pyramid similar to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to illustrate the formula for reaching optimal performance in life. Her model places “mindsets and optimism” as the essential foundation for building other necessary characteristics such as self-awareness, positive emotions and emotional intelligence.“Choosing an [optimistic] mindset can be fundamental in developing, enhancing and maintaining performance,” she says. “Optimism is associated with more positive and authentic relationships, better physical health and a longer lifespan.”What emerges is a sort of chicken-and-the-egg question between exercise andhappiness. Exercise is proven successful in releasing stress, unleashing feel-good chemicals in the brain, and enhancing mood and motivation. At the same time, those who see the results of exercise as thepath to their happiness may find themselves disappointed, disillusioned—and ultimately unsuccessful at both finding happiness and reaching their goals.“If you solely focus on your physiqueand that outcome, you’re going to bedisappointed,” concludes Chalene.“You have to find what makes you trulyhappy in life first. You have to create thatbalance in your life. Otherwise, you willstay on this hamster wheel of trying to behappy forever.”
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A Happiness Backlash?

A Happiness Backlash?

Is the "happiness movement" creating a league of shallow people and overindulged kids? Lately, there has been an explosion in both the science and celebration of happiness, as well as a focus on the tools we can use to help ourselves and those around us gain a better sense of wellbeing. You might say that happiness is in the air: In best-selling books, loads of articles and even our own magazine and website. And, of course, it is now also stuck in everyone’s heads, thanks toPharrell'subiquitous song. It's not surprising then that this critical mass surrounding positivity and an emphasis on happiness at home and in the workplace is producing something of a backlash. After all, a focus on happiness can come across as saccharine and shallow. But boiling down the tenets of happiness to a search for hedonistic pleasure would be a huge misreading of the movement. Happy overload Last week columnist David Brooks came out with a piece in The New York Times suggesting that instead of seeking to avoid suffering by being “happy,” we should embrace it as an opportunity for growth. While beautifully written and cogently argued, I think it misses the point. “Over the past few weeks,” he says, “I’ve found myself in a bunch of conversations in which the unspoken assumption was that the main goal of life is to maximize happiness.” But with all this focus on happiness, says Brooks, we are missing out on the true growth that occurs when we embrace, instead of avoid, suffering. Being happy does not mean avoiding suffering “Happiness wants you to think about maximizing your benefits,” Brooks says, whereas “difficulty and suffering sends you on a different course….Suffering drags you deeper into yourself” and “gives people a more accurate sense of their own limitations.” He gives a mocking example of what he imagines a happiness expert might advise someone who is suffering: “Well, I’m feeling a lot of pain over the loss of my child. I should try to balance my hedonic account by going to a lot of parties and whooping it up.” But finding or embracing happiness does not mean whooping it up to forget our sorrows. Divorce, death, illness, injury—we will all experience suffering. What's important is not to arrange your life so that you never take risks or keep away from those under the weight of suffering or tragedy. What's important is how you bounce back, grow and help others recover and rebound after going through a turbulent time. The tools of positive psychology—gratitude, compassion, resilience, optimism—are indispensable when it comes to recovering from trauma. Raising ‘happy’ kids On April 16, an article on The Huffington Post by Richard Weissbourd, a lecturer at the Harvard School of Education, and associate professor Stephanie Jones offered a similar critique, this time suggesting that “behind this relentless focus on happiness is an intense focus on the self” and that “happiness doesn't automatically lead to goodness.” Exactly. In fact, happiness research has shown that it is the other way around—that being kind, compassionate and giving to others actually makes us happy. “With parents and kids, this focus on happiness and the self has real consequences,” the article continues. “Kids are allowed to skip out on obligations to teams and groups because participation no longer makes them happy; they are free to (or even encouraged to) drop friends who are annoying, weird or just not fun; and they sometimes treat the adults in their lives like staff or as invisible—neglecting to thank them or show appreciation.” Again, I would argue that the authors have it backward. An increasing number of studies show that raising happy, well-adjusted kids requires a focus on responsibility and respect, among other attributes, which then leads to wellbeing and happiness. Responsibility and respect build self-esteem In fact, the authors echo many happiness experts and the themes of our own Acts of Happiness campaign when they write that we need to model behavior for our children by “contributing to our communities, taking action against injustice, making even small sacrifices regularly for friends and neighbors.” They continue by saying “the data suggest that moral and caring kids tend to be happier kids and adults” with a link to the author’s own research and book. But that same conclusion has also come out of the positive psychology camp, with its emphasis on “The Meaningful Life” as the most important attribute of happy people. According to leading positive psychologist Martin E.P. Seligman, in a meaningful life, “Meaning is increased through our connections to others, future generations or causes that transcend the self. From a positive psychology perspective, meaning consists of knowing what your highest strengths are, and then using them to belong to and serve something you believe is larger than the self.” Look beyond the smiley face I understand the temptation to recoil and play devil’s advocate in the face of all this glowing positivity, giving rise to books like Barbara Ehrenreich’s Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking Is Undermining Americaand Oliver Burkeman’s The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can't Stand Positive Thinking. After all, we are critically thinking, doubting, sometimes-suffering people who could do without a bunch of easy, cheesy homilies and “Kumbaya” drum circles to tell us how to feel. But don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. A focus on how we can make ourselves and others happier, including science-based recommendations for increasing our wellbeing, does not entail steering clear of suffering, nor does it mean going to more parties or letting your kids do whatever they want. The critics have a point in the sense that a singular focus on happiness can seem to gloss over some of the deeper and more painful aspects of our personalities. But they need to read further than the titles of articles and, according to Brooks, the “more than 1,000 books released on Amazon on that subject [happiness]” in one three-month period. The pursuit of happiness is easy to poke fun at, but if we think less about ourselves and more about our connections to others in the community and the world, the closer we’ll get to that goal.
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Woman with paper smile

The New Definition of Happiness

If you want to live happy, you first need to define happiness. Over the past few years, we have traveled to more than 50 countries researching and speaking on positive psychology, and after spending time with farmers who lost their lands in Zimbabwe, Swiss bankers in the middle of a banking crisis, owners of NBA teams and schoolchildren in South Africa, we observed that every culture and individual has a different conception of happiness. So how can we study something when we cannot agree on a definition of it? How do you define happiness? First, let’s recognize that there are enormous differences in what causes happiness and unhappiness among individuals. While hours of watching Desperate Housewives might be a guilty pleasure for some, for others, it’s their version of hell. The same goes for pets, chocolate (heaven forbid!), football and touch. Some cannot be “happy” if their stock price is down, while others cannot be “happy” knowing that companies are making profits while underpaying their employees. A big, juicy hamburger might make a Happy Meal for some Americans, but is a sacrilege to many in India. Even smiling at the wrong time in certain East Asian cultures can create unhappiness instead of spreading more positivity. Our own triggers of happiness are as varied as our fingerprints. However, while the triggers of short-term happiness are different, what sustains long-term happiness, we would argue, is universal across all cultures. There are four main qualities that sustain happiness: 1) optimism (believing that our behavior will eventually matter) 2) social connection (the breadth and depth of our relationships) 3) the way we perceive stresses (as challenges instead of threats) 4) meaning (the connection between our actions and our values) In order to sustain happiness, we need to redefine it for the world. We need to differentiate pleasure from happiness. In The Happiness Advantage, we use the ancient Greeks’ definition of happiness: “the joy you feel striving toward your potential.” Happiness in this definition cannot be stripped from meaning and from growth. This definition changed the way we pursued happiness and is linked to all four of the sustainers of happiness. Joy is something we can experience in the ups and downs of life, even when things are not pleasurable. A long run can be tiring and painful, but you can feel joy and happiness as you use the body you’ve been given to explore your potential. Childbirth is one of the most painful things humans can endure, but, as our baby doctor told us, there is a difference between pathological pain, like breaking your arm, and meaningful pain. There is a joy throughout pregnancy, childbirth and parenting that, while not always pleasurable, is linked to us achieving our potential as parents, lovers and contributors to this world. We feel happiest when we feel we are growing in our relationships or our ability to change the world for the positive (optimism) or when we see life as a challenge instead of a threat. This definition also solves the problem that we have with studies that have shown that people who have children are less “happy.” Happiness versus pleasure We got married last year, and as we thought about having children, we reflected on these studies that have scared many people away from parenting. As we looked deeper, we realized the questions they asked the participants were about pleasure, stress levels and workloads, not about happiness. We must not confuse having work, stress and challenge as the opposite of happiness. In fact, happiness requires all of those because those are necessary to achieve our potential. It’s time to move away from defining happiness as simply pleasure, and know, like the ancient Greeks, that it’s so much deeper: It’s the joy we feel when we’re striving toward our potential. So, go out into the world and continue this conversation about redefining happiness with your family, friends, co-workers, neighbors—anyone who will talk to you. Together, we can lead a movement to change how our schools, our companies, our government and our families define what being happy truly means.
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