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My Sleep Intervention: A Torturous Beginning

As part of Live Happy’s special series 90 Days to a Happier You, we’ve gathered experts from around the country with unbeatable advice about how we (and you!) can change habits and live better in 2016. Below is part one of Shelley Levitt’s ongoing blog series as she attempts to overcome her insomnia with the help of coach Michael Breus, Ph.D. Two weeks into my sleep intervention and one thing is clear: This isn’t going to be about aromatherapy candles or a sound machine simulating the soothing chirping of songbirds or the whoosh of a gentle wind through willow trees. It’s brutal! You want me to get less sleep? My sleep coach, Michael Breus, Ph.D., has put me on a sleep-restriction regimen. (This is something that should only be done under the supervision of a health-care professional.) His orders: get into bed at 1 a.m. and out of bed at 5:30 or 6 a.m. Yes, he admits, it’s counterintuitive to reduce your sleep to five hours or less when what you’re craving is more sleep. But there’s a well-informed method to his madness. When I first met with Michael, he agreed that I suffered from chronic insomnia. I didn’t have trouble falling asleep, but night after night for week after week, I couldn’t stay asleep. I moved through my days with a deep fatigue that felt debilitating. The sleep diary tells all Michael had me fill out a sleep diary for a week. Don’t change anything yet, he said. That meant I could keep taking my iPad, iPhone and a pile of books and magazines into bed with me. The first week’s diary showed I was climbing into bed at anytime from 10:15 p.m. to 1:30 a.m. and reading or watching TV on my iPad for 30 minutes to three hours. (Ironically, I don’t have a TV in my bedroom, because I knew it’s bad sleep hygiene.) I was waking up at least twice a night and sometimes staying awake for two hours. I’d fill that time catching up on episodes of The Good Wife or past seasons of Girls. Most days I’d take a late-afternoon nap. Mission critical My erratic sleep habits, Michael told me, were sending my brain all kinds of mixed messages about when to snooze and when to stay alert. What sleep restriction does is build up your sleep drive and help regulate your brain’s on/off switch. Consistency is critical. “Remember no naps no matter how tired you are,” Michael wrote me in an email, “and still get up early on weekends. Make sure you have something to do outside of bed until 1 a.m. You can do this but I warn you it is going to be VERY difficult!” Committed but very tired It’s been one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. Making myself get out of bed when I really, really want to stay under the covers for another two hours is challenging, but what feels like true torture is staying awake until 1 a.m. I’m far too exhausted to read and I’m afraid to watch TV lying down on my sofa because I know I’ll drift into sleep. I feel too impaired to drive at night or even to take Carlos, my 85-pound, very strong golden retriever for a late-night walk. So I force myself to stay upright as I flip through the TV channels, I get up and take laps around my house. I feel my eyelids closing and, with effort, I open them up again. “You can do this,” I tell myself. “It’s worth it.” I’m committed, and very very tired. Read Shelley's coach Michael's 6 Steps to Better Sleep. Go to livehappynow.com to hear Shelly's coach Michael on our podcast. Come back in February to find out what happens to Live Happy editor at large Shelley Levitt and her uneven sleep habits. Will Dr. Breus's coaching help her get a good night's sleep? Or will her chronic insomnia drive her over the edge ...

Self-Care

90 Days to a Happier You

We could have resolved to eat more leafy greens or to add another spin class to our weekly workout schedule. But when a team of us at Live Happy made it our mission to become happier this year, we dug deeper to identify the behaviors, interactions and attitudes that were sapping our energy, productivity and joy. Our issues, it turns out, are pretty universal: anxiety, troubled communications with a loved one, an inability to unplug from work, poor sleep, a lack of long-term goals. To help us tackle these challenges we’ve enlisted a squad of top experts who have agreed to coach each of us. And because we know that the most effective way to implement new habits is with deadlines and accountability, we’re putting both in motion. We’ve decided to bare our souls and write about our goals, struggles, setbacks and—we hope!—triumphs in frequent blog posts over the next 90 days. All of the experts agree that in three months, each of us should be able to achieve a significant happiness reset. We’d like to invite you to take this journey along with Susan, Kim, Chris, Donna and me (I’m the cranky, sleep-deprived member of the group). We’ve assembled everything you’ll need here. Along with our own blogs, which we will continue to publish as the 90 days progress, you’ll find regular posts from our coaches detailing the programs and strategies they’ve put together for us. They’ll be writing about what we can expect each step of the way, including how to get around roadblocks, bounce back from setbacks and maintain the new happier-you habits for a lifetime. You’ll also find podcasts with the coaches, links to resources and other helpful tools. Check the web page frequently for updates, and add Live Happy to your Facebook and Twitter feeds. We’ll have ongoing news for you, including the scoop on great giveaways and information on how to connect with our coaches through Twitter chats and more. And, in the June print issue of the magazine, I’ll be writing about what each of us achieved in our 90-day happiness makeover. We expect the changes will be transformative, for us and for you! 1ST CHALLENGE: CAN'T UNPLUG FROM WORK Subject: Donna Stokes, Live Happy managing editor Expert: Christine Carter, Ph.D., sociologist and senior fellow at University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center; author of The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work. What Donna says From the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep, I’m checking my work emails every 10 minutes, including when I’m stopped at red lights or in line at the supermarket. My husband and I both have our laptops or tablets propped up during dinner. At midnight I’ll see 15 new emails in my inbox and my blood pressure spikes, even though there’s nothing I can do about it until I’m back in the office the next day. I’m lucky to have work I love, but I worry that this compulsion will lead to burnout. It’s also keeping me from doing other things I enjoy, like reading short stories at night or spending more time with my husband and dogs outdoors. What Christine says I love coaching people around unplugging because it’s so simple but it’s life-changing. I’m going to teach Donna some little techniques, which we’ll practice together, and her life is going to be so different and so much more fun. Unplugging does something really wonderful. It brings ease into our lives. That means we operate from what I call our “sweet spot,” when your greatest strengths overlap with the least resistance. There’s nothing wrong with making a powerful effort; we just can’t do it all the time. As human beings we’re part of nature, and all of nature ebbs and flows. To focus on pushing forward without ever allowing yourself an ebb is a very stressful and exhausting way of living, and neuroscience teaches us that it keeps our brain from functioning at its peak. We have this idea that if we’re just standing in the grocery line or staring out the window when we’re stopped at a red light, we’re wasting time. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. There’s a heck of a lot more brain activity while you’re daydreaming than there is when you’re focused on a task. While you’re “wasting time,” your brain is actually forming neural connections between things that it did not previously see as being related, and that’s where creative insights come from. If you’ve noticed that you have all your best ideas when you’re in the shower, that’s probably because the shower is the only time you give yourself a chance to daydream. There’s a very high cost to being plugged in all the time. Not only are you thwarting creativity, you’re also undermining your relationships." You can’t fully be present for another human being if there’s a screen between you. Research shows that even if a phone is turned off and face-down on a table, it lowers the quality of the conversation that takes place. I struggle with unplugging, too. I have a hard and fast rule that I never use a device when I’m doing something with my kids, and sometimes I slip. When I do, I’ll go on what I call a digital cleanse and bury my email or texting app deep in a folder so I really have to hunt for it. It’s a two-minute intervention that makes it a lot easier to change a behavior that’s become automatic. Get ready to tackle unplugging from work along with Donna For three weekdays and one weekend day, jot down every time you could have allowed yourself to daydream or be fully present for another person, but you allowed your device to get in the way instead. For example, you checked your texts while waiting in line to get into a movie with your daughter (and, yes, you’re allowed to make these notes on your phone). Read Donna's first blog about her unplugging challenge, here. Read Christine's 6 Steps to Unplug From Work, here. 2ND CHALLENGE: OVERCOMING ANXIETY Subject: Kim Baker, Live Happy art director Expert: Karen Cassiday, Ph.D., president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America and managing director of the Anxiety Treatment Center of Greater Chicago. What Kim says All my life I’ve dealt with anxiety that’s driven by worry. I can work myself up to the point where my heart is racing and my palms are sweaty because I’m thinking, “What if something happened to my daughter or my husband? What if my migraine is really a brain tumor?” These thoughts are distractions that take me away from living in the moment. It’s really important for me to be fully present for my family and my friends, so I want to learn better ways to manage my worry and anxiety. What Karen says Worry makes people really miserable. Ifyou’re a worrier, and a great many people are, you live your life in high idle; your mental motor is always turned up. Worriers tend to have trouble with their sleep, they have digestive issues, they have headaches and sometimes even chronic pain because their muscles are so stiff. Persistent worriers, who are twice as likely to be women, have literally forgotten how to relax. The irony is that worriers think they’re being responsible by preparing themselves for the worst. What’s really going on is that they can’t tolerate uncertainty. Psychologists know that faced with an uncertain situation, non-worriers will assume all is OK until they hear otherwise. Worriers, onthe other hand, focus on a few catastrophic outcomes. They'll spend hours searching online for all the life-threatening things those abdominal twinges might be. And they’ll constantly seek reassurance from other people. They may experience quick drops in anxiety when their doctors tell them, no, they don’t have cancer or co-workers assure them they’re not going to lose their jobs. But before long their anxiety returns, and it’s even stronger. Then, they’ll do another Internet search, re-read the information they’ve already read or replay conversations that they’ve had. It can be hard to recognize that worrying doesn’t solve problems; it doesn’t improve your ability to cope. It does, however, make you irritable, unpleasant to be around and more likely to feel overwhelmed. But don’t worry! The good news is that worry is very treatable. Here’s the catch. The treatment for worry, which includes techniques of cognitive behavioral therapy, is counterintuitive. When I work with someone who has issues around worry, I’ll expose her to uncertainty and then put a complete ban on seeking reassurance. That can feel uncomfortable, even reckless. To ease that discomfort, I also do mindfulness training, so runaway worriers can learn to stay in the present as opposed to the awful futures they’re imagining. Exercise is also an important part of the program. It helps mechanically loosen your muscles and also helps metabolize the chemical byproducts of anxiety such as stress hormones. The biggest hurdle for worriers to overcome is to recognize that what they’re worrying about isn’t the problem; the problem is the worry itself." It’s important to acknowledge what a detriment worry is to your well-being and that it’s something very much worth trying to overcome. Get ready to tackle worry along with Kim Keep a diary of your worry. The way to identify a worry, Karen says, is that it’spreceded by “what if,” such as Kim’s “What if something happened to my daughter?” thoughts. Jot down every “what if” rumination, from “What if I speak up at the meeting and everybody laughs at my ideas?” to “What if I have a panic attack when I’m driving across the bridge?” Read Kim's first blog about her anxiety challenge, here. Read Karen's 6 Steps to Win the War Against Worry, here. 3RD CHALLENGE: SETTING LONG-TERM GOALS Subject: Chris Libby, Live Happy section editor Expert: Caroline Adams Miller, MAPP, author of Creating Your Best Life: The Ultimate Life List Guide What Chris says I sometimes think I walk through life like Forrest Gump. I don’t really plan things; I just kind of let them happen. I’ve always believed that if you work hard, good things will come your way, and, in my life, they have. I spent 15 years at a local newspaper and a couple of months after it folded I got a call about a new magazine that was starting up. That magazine was Live Happy. As well as things have turned out, I do have a nagging sense that if I want to continue to nourish in my career and life, I need to be more proactive and begin thinking about where I want to be in, say, five or 10 years and what steps I might start taking in that direction. What Caroline says I get an incredible amount of pleasure out of helping people come up with goals that are closely aligned with meaning and purpose for them. Often they’ve never articulated these goals to anybody else or even to themselves. So it takes what I call “forensic coaching” we walk through their strengths and their values and explore their appetite for risk-taking. People like Chris, who are already happy and thriving in their careers, have a head start on setting and pursuing goals. Success flows from being happy first, not the other way around. If your job is bringing you joy, as Chris’ is, it’s the ideal time to aspire to be the best you can be by identifying some big dreams. Take your emotional temperature: If you’re feeling blue and pessimistic, you’ll want to do a mood intervention, with daily habits of gratitude, mindfulness and savoring, before your work on long-term goals. Life is transformed when people set hard goals. Yes, it can be uncomfortable. Nobody changes and grows by playing inside their comfort zone. But if 2016 is the year that you want to explore risk-taking and you’re up for some hard work. Far from being selfish, setting bold goals for yourself is a mitzvah, Hebrew for a good deed or an act of kindness that you put out into the world." I’d encourage you to step outside your comfort zone to pursue a goal that’s big and intrinsic, meaning it comes from your own genuine desires, values and interests. Playing bigger and bolder is what happiness, purpose and fulfillment is all about. When you set these long-term goals, you move into an expansive way of thinking. Your eyes aren’t on your feet, they’re on the horizon. Audacious goals are energizing and inspiring, and they’re contagious. The people around you will “catch” that vibrant energy, too. Get ready to set some long-term goals along with chris Identify your signature strengths by taking the VIA Character Strengths Survey. A key tool in the field of positive psychology, the free survey assesses 24 different positive traits, such as persistence, open-mindedness, leadership, vitality and social intelligence. Research shows you’ll make more progress on your goals, and be happier pursuing them, if they’re aligned with your signature strengths. What’s more, as you move along on your three-month goal-setting program, you’ll find new ways to apply your unique strengths to whatever goals you do set. Read Chris's first blog about his goal-setting challenge, here. Read Caroline's 6-Step Goal-Setting Challenge, here. 4TH CHALLENGE: COMMUNICATING BETTER WITH A LOVED ONE Who: Susan Kane, Live Happy contributing editor Expert: Michele Gravelle, communications strategist with Triad Consulting Group What Susan says My daughter, Coco, and I had always been very close and loved spending time together. But that changed this year when Coco turned 13. Just my saying hello when I get home from work seems to annoy her. If I try to get anything more than a couple of words out of her, she’s rude and surly. Even though I recognize that this may be normal teenage rebelliousness, these interactions leave me swamped with sorrow. I’d like to learn more effective ways to respond to Coco so her guard comes down and we’re able to connect in more positive ways more often. What Michele says I’m thrilled to have the chance to coach Susan on improving her communications with Coco. And the reason why goes back to Labor Day 2013. My then 23-year-old son dove off the back of a boat into water that was too shallow. He broke his neck and suffered a spinal-cord injury that’s left him paralyzed from the chest down. I took a six-month leave of absence to be with Sam in the hospital, and when I came back I decided that I only wanted to do work that really matters. Giving people the tools to show up in their lives and talk to the people who are important to them is that kind of work. After all, what brings us happiness boils down to relationships and relationships are really just a series of conversations." It’s easy for conversations between family members to go off the tracks. Nobody knows how to push your buttons better than family. Your sister says something that hurts your feelingsor makes you angry and your knee-jerk reaction is to lash out in return. Part of choosing happiness is choosing a different way to respond. You’ll want to pause and take a moment to say to yourself, “OK, I don’t like what she said, but let me try to put myself in her shoes and see if I can understand why she said it.” When you practice that kind of empathy it makes it possible for you to have a more compassionate, respectful response. Curiosity is also key to improving communications. If someone has dug in his heels on an issue, you might say something like, “Help me understand why this is so important to you.” That really gets to the heart of things. Often the impact that we have on people is invisible to us; it’s our blind spot. To shed light on this we may need to ask them the question: “What am I doing that’s getting in your way or making your life more difficult?” That’s a hard question to ask, but it’s also an incredibly healing one that helps clear the air so you can begin to address things in a more neutral way. Working to keep communications strong with someone you love can be a lifelong project. But, by demonstrating empathy, curiosity and asking the right questions, you can expect less tension in the relationship, along with deeper and more meaningful conversations, in just 90 days. Get ready to tackle troubled communications with a loved one along with Susan Choose one person who really matters to you and with whom you’d like to improve communications. For two weeks keep a journal of your conversations—both the ones that went well and the ones that didn’t. Take notes on what you were feeling and what your internal voice was saying during these chats. Often, what causes a conversation to derail isn’t what we say, Michele points out, but what we were thinking and feeling. Read Susan's first blog about her communication challenge, here. Read Michele's 6 Steps to Healthier, More Productive Conversations, here. 5TH CHALLENGE: TACKLING CHRONIC INSOMNIA Who: Shelley Levitt, Live Happy editor at large Expert: Michael Breus, Ph.D., author of The Sleep Doctor’s Diet Plan: Lose Weight through Better Sleep What Shelley says I’ve never been someone who slept straight through the night. But over the past few months my sleep has been declining to the point where I’m up more hours than I’m snoozing. I’m constantly fatigued and irritable, and I’m so groggy by late afternoon, it’s hard for me to get through the rest of the day without taking a nap, which sets me up for another lousy night of sleep. On those rare occasions when I do get a good night’s sleep, my energy, confidence, productivity and optimism soar. I want to go from that being a rarity to being the everyday me. What Michael says You can’t live a happy life if you’re not getting good sleep. The more sleep-deprived you are the less likely you are to have positive relationships, whether we’re talking about marriages or business relationships. Lack of sleep compromises your resilience, making you less capable of bouncing back after a setback. Insufficient sleep even affects your sense of humor; you’re less likely to get a joke and more likely to take offense at neutral comments. We also know that inadequate sleep can lead to or worsen anxiety and depression. You can certainly live a happy life if you suffer from depression or anxiety as long as you’ve figured out how to manage it, but lack of sleep will dramatically undermine those strategies or treatments. Everyone has the occasional bad night’s sleep. But if you’re having sleep problems—either difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep—for three or more nights a week for a month or longer, you’re suffering from chronic insomnia." Keep in mind that good sleep is about not just the quantity of your sleep but the quality of your sleep. You need to move beyond the first two stages of light sleep and spend ample time in stages 3 and 4, deep or delta sleep, and in REM (rapid eye movement) sleep to feel physically and mentally restored. How much sleep we need is variable; my wife needs a solid eight hours; I’m good with six-and-a-half hours. Sleep is largely regulated by the brain’s suprachiasmatic nucleus [a tiny region in the hypothalamus], or what I call “the sleeper.” Very few people have a broken sleeper, which means that very few of us have an inability to sleep well. Good sleep comes from good habits. I can’t promise everyone that they’re always going to have a perfect night’s sleep—life with all its challenges and stressors can get in the way. But by changing your sleep habits and patterns over three months, the great majority of people can dramatically improve their general level of sleep. Fair warning: The first few weeks of the program may feel like torture. That’s because people who are chronically poor sleepers have an internal body clock, or circadian rhythm, that’s out of sync with their sleep drive. Getting these two systems aligned requires sleep restriction, often to just five or six hours a night. It’s a tough intervention but the eventual payoff—deep, restorative sleep —is huge. Get ready to tackle poor sleep along with shelley Keep a sleep diary for two weeks. Note the time you went to bed; the approximate time you fell asleep; the number of times you woke up during the night and how long you stayed awake; whether you took any sleep medication; how many naps you took and how long they lasted; and how many caffeinated beverages you had during the day. Read Shelley's first blog post about her sleep intervention, here. Read Michael's 6 Steps to Better Sleep, here. Go to 90 Days Home Base to follow our "subjects" on their 3-month journey. Find more information about our amazing coaches, here. Shelley Levitt, editor at large for Live Happy, is a freelance journalist living in Southern California.

Self-Care

6 Steps to Win the War Against Worry

As part of Live Happy’s special series 90 Days to a Happier You, we’ve gathered experts from around the country with unbeatable advice about how we can change habits and live better in 2016. Below, in the first of a series of blogs, anxiety expert Karen Cassiday, Ph.D., walks us through the steps of how to win the war against worry. At some point, most of us have felt that surge of panic when a worry invades our mind. Worry is the anxious response to uncertainty; it narrows the field of infinite possibilities down to a few worst-case scenarios. For example, a worrier has a headache that won’t go away and thinks, “What if I have a tumor?” The worrier looks up all the symptoms of brain cancer and asks several friends about the headaches. A non-worrier, on the other hand, might just take an aspirin and assume nothing serious is wrong. Worriers constantly seek reassurance (WebMD anyone?). The irony is that this kind of inquiry makes worry much worse because it is a form of negative reinforcement—an attempt at a quick escape from worry and often an entry into a rabbit hole of increased worry. Worriers forget to do things that promote wellness. They spend their days in constantly trying to prevent bad things from happening instead of enjoying the present. The six steps: Follow these six steps to help you address irrational thoughts, beliefs and behaviors that keep you in a cycle of worry. 1. Download the app, get the books, and look around the website Start by downloading the free app “Self-help Anxiety Management–University of West England” (“SAM”), as we will do much of our work using the various tools on this app. Start by getting familiar with the tools and information available on the app and begin tracking your anxiety in the "How's my anxiety right now" section." Meanwhile, start reading the book Women Who Worry Too Much or The Worry Cure; these books will fortify the six steps and give you more information for keeping worry at bay. You will also find excellent resources on the website for the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (full disclosure: I am the incoming president of this organization). 2. Keep a daily anxiety diary and do worry exposure Use the app to begin worry exposure in the section titled “Mystical Monitor.” Record yourself talking about your worst worries and then play the recording repeatedly until your anxiety level decreases by about half. This may take 20 to 30 minutes of repeated listening. Do this worry exposure listening daily for at least 20 minutes, or until your worries no longer make you anxious. (This may take several days to several weeks until you become immune to your worst worries.) 3. Stop seeking reassurance This is a tough one, because in the worrier's mind, his or her attempt to seek reassurance is a way to stop or postpone an imagined catastrophic future. It may take some time, but make it a daily goal to slow down and eventually stop seeking reassurance about your worries. Don't seek advice and reassurance from friends in the form of conversation or internet searches. This habit may take up to several months to break. 4. Challenge your thinking Use the app section called “Thinking and Anxiety” to challenge the way you think when you worry. For example, you may not realize that you have traits of a perfectionist (many worriers do). Perfectionism increases worry by making you believe that there is only one narrow option for success instead of many flexible solutions. Your goal would be to finish the day with at least two to three mistakes and to discover that nothing terrible happened even when others noticed. 5. Decrease intolerance of uncertainty You can start to decrease procrastination and intolerance of uncertainty by doing daily uncertainty exposure practice. Look for uncertain situations that trigger your worry and then expose yourself to these situations without engaging in reassurance seeking, procrastinating or over-planning. Keep a list of your successes. For example, your boss says very little when you talk about your work, and you begin to worry about being fired. Exposure practice would consist of talking to no one about the boss or the quality of your work and just going about your job. 6. Improve self-care Read the “Health and Anxiety” section of the app. Make a list of things that you can do each day that promote your well-being and start doing them. Keep track of your successes in a daily journal. One important form of self-care critical for people who worry is relaxation and meditation. Use the “Relaxation physical” and “Relaxation mental” portions of your app or any meditation or relaxation technique you like. Try practicing daily for about 15 to 20 minutes, or whatever amount of time fits your schedule. Read Karen's second blog here, and her final blog here. To see Karen's recommendations in action, read coaching "subject" Kim Baker's blog "No Worries." Listen to Karen discuss how to Manage Negative Thinking on our podcast, Live Happy Now. Karen Cassiday, Ph.D., is president of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America and a leading expert on the treatment of anxiety.

Self-Care

6-Step Goal-Setting Challenge

As part of Live Happy’s special series 90 Days to a Happier You, we’ve gathered top experts from around the country with unbeatable advice about how we can change habits and live better in 2016. Below, as part of an ongoing blog series, expert coach Caroline Miller walks us through the steps of successfully setting short- and long-term goals. Self-help books are popular for a reason: Research shows that more than 90 percent of us would like to improve something about ourselves. Fortunately, the research also shows that with diligence and evidence-based goal setting processes, we have much greater chances of achieving our dreams than if we just wing it and hope for the best. Chris Libby, section editor of Live Happy, is a good example of someone who wants change, but didn’t know anything about the science of goal-setting, or the ways he might be hindering himself, until we started our coaching. Follow our journey—or better, join us by interacting with us—and together we will get a good look at how a step-by-step, scientific goal-setting method can help anyone get traction in life, regardless of where you start. Here are the six steps we will take together in the 90-Day Challenge: 1. Capitalize on your strengths First, I recommend taking the VIA Strengths Survey. Studies have found that knowing your top strengths makes you happier—particularly when you have the opportunity to put those strengths to use in new and resourceful ways. If gratitude is a top strength, you might leave a hand-written thank-you note instead of sending an email, for example, and think up other ways to share your heightened sense of hope and appreciation. Homework: Write an essay called “Me at My Best.” Describe a time when you used all of your top strengths in a “peak moment,” or when others said you made a positive difference. This essay will serve as a blueprint of best practices for you as you go about setting your goals. 2. Create a daily happiness boot-up menu Research has found that success in life is preceded by being happy first, and not vice versa. If we are going to flourish and succeed, we have to do things that elicit and amplify positivity on a daily basis. There are several “positive interventions” that improve well-being, such as physical exercise, practicing gratitude, doing mindfulness/meditation activities, volunteering/giving, journaling and practicing forgiveness. Homework: Create or reinforce daily habits that increase your happiness levels, and use your strengths in doing so. For example, if “zest” is a top strength, add vigorous exercise to your day or use your energy to support someone else’s cause. If love of learning is a top strength, find ways to investigate new sources of education such as a virtual course or a TED talk. 3. Write about your "Best possible future self” This elegant journaling exercise is deceptively powerful: Mentally project yourself 10 years into the future and write about your life as if everything has gone as well as possible. Do this for three days in a row, for 20 minutes at a time. Research finds that people who complete this exercise are more hopeful, more committed to their goals and clearer about priorities. Homework: Pick at least one long-term goal that has emerged from this exercise and write down the short-term steps you are ready to commit to that are necessary to pursue this goal. Write about the obstacles that are likely to emerge as you pursue this goal and how you plan to handle them. How will you use your strengths to overcome obstacles? 4. Build a platform of psychological strength for change To carry out the steps needed to accomplish goals, you must have inner stores of self-regulation and resilience. Without willpower or the ability to delay gratification, it will be impossible to do difficult things outside of your comfort zone, which is where many of the most meaningful goals lie. We will need resilience to get up every time we are knocked down, challenged or delayed, too, and grit will be the strength necessary to carry us to the finish line of the longest, hardest goals. Homework: Take the Grit Scale test and reflect on your score. What are the hardest things you’ve ever done and how did you get yourself through them? If you don’t have a history of being resilient, how can you use your strengths to find ways to protect yourself from being pulled off-course? 5. Prime your environment for change Marketers know the science of “priming” and use it to help them sell products; sport psychologists use it to motivate athletes. We can “nudge” ourselves in subtle ways throughout the day, in every environment, by strategically putting pictures of our goals in places we are sure to encounter, by hearing songs that energize us, and by reading inspirational e-newsletters about successful people. Homework: Scan your daily environment for “negative primes” that might be de-energizing. Replace pictures, driving routes, television habits or clothing with items that will inspire and motivate you. Consider replacing at least one computer password with a phrase associated with an important goal or a character strength that you want to embody. 6. Create a positive team Many people underestimate the undermining power of being surrounded by family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances who don’t support their positive change efforts. Social contagion theory states that we “catch” moods from those around us, including loneliness, depression, happiness and even grit. Other research connects “active-constructive responding” (marked by curiosity and enthusiasm) with friendship qualities that assist in proactive goal pursuit. Homework: Create a “Web of Influence” document, with you at the center and those closest to you radiating outward. Do the qualities of those in your web match what you need to remain committed to change? If not, what can you do to deliberately pull other, more positive, people closer to you to be cheerleaders or even members of a “mastermind” group that you can create? Read Caroline's second blog here, and her final blog here. To see Caroline's recommendations in action, read coaching "subject" Chris Libby's blog, here. Want more? Listen to Caroline discuss Setting Career Goals on our podcast, Live Happy Now. Caroline Adams Miller, MAPP, is a professional coach, author, speaker and educator. Her book, Creating Your Best Life, is the first evidence-based book to connect the science of happiness with the science of goal-setting. Caroline gave an acclaimed TEDx talk on grit in 2014, a topic she will cover in her upcoming book, Authentic Grit.

Self-Care

6 Steps to Unplug From Work

As part of Live Happy’s series 90 Days to a Happier You, we’ve gathered experts from around the country with unbeatable advice about how we can change habits and live better in 2016. Below, in the first part of her ongoing blog series, happiness expert Christine Carter, Ph.D., walks us through the steps of successfully unplugging from work. Lately it seems like more and more of my coaching clients have been asking for guidance with one specific challenge: Help me unplug! Such was the cry for help that came from Donna Stokes, managing editor of Live Happy, as part of the “90 Days to a Happier You” project. Donna’s life was typical; she was spending most of her waking existence monitoring her email. She’d begin each day by checking email at home before breakfast, which often derailed her morning routine. Once she got to work, the emailing continued—before, during and after meetings. Lunch? She’d “catch up” on email and then maybe take a short walk—with her phone, in case an urgent email or text came in. (When I asked her for an example of what could be so urgent that it couldn’t wait 20 minutes, she couldn’t give one.) Donna’s email checking continued long into the evening, once she’d left the office. For example, she’d check email on her phone while waiting for dinner in a restaurant with her husband. Sound familiar? If so, you, too, could use an email intervention. Here are six simple steps to end your email addiction. 1. Decide what you’re going to do with all that free time If you are going to spend less time monitoring your email (and social media feeds, and anything else that is constantly nagging you for attention), what would be a more productive or joyful way for you to spend your time? Donna wanted to spend more time doing focused, intelligent, creative work during the day, and she wanted to spend more time relaxing, exercising and hanging out with her husband before and after work. You can motivate yourself to unplug by actually putting these things on your calendar. Block off time in your schedule for activities like “Read with hubby” and “Do focused writing/thinking,” or whatever will motivate you. 2. Schedule two or three specific times per day to check your messages I counsel many of my clients to check email first thing in the morning and in the late afternoon—and that’s it. Here is the key: During those times, you’ll need to block out enough time to get through new emails, and, if possible, all the way to the bottom of your inbox. If a particular email is going to take more than 5 minutes to read and respond to, put it in a folder (“to do this week”) and add whatever it entails to a task list. If you need X hours a day to deal with your email, make sure you’ve scheduled X hours daily. 3. Turn off all your alerts Unless you are actively checking your email and messages, you don’t need to know what messages are coming in because you’ll be devoting your full attention to something else. So turn off all notifications on your desktop, laptop, tablet and smartphone. Vibrate counts; turn it off. Now, do this for your text messages and all of your social media feeds. Breathe. (Note: Even if, through the strength of your iron-clad will, you are able to resist reading a message that comes in, if you see or hear or feel some sort of notification, your brain has still been interrupted by that alert. Even a millisecond-long hijacking of your attention will make you less focused, more irritable and less able to resist other temptations.) 4. Hide the bowl of candy If you were trying to eat less candy, would you carry a bowl of it around with you? Would you put it on your nightstand and reach into it first thing in the morning? And then carry it with you to the bathroom? And then set it next to you while you try to eat a healthy breakfast? And then put it on your dashboard? I didn’t think so. So keep that smartphone tucked away until you actually need it. Think of it as a tool, like a hammer, that you don’t need to pull out until one of your strategically designated times. (If you are a parent, make the adjustments you need to in case there is a call from your child’s school or another kind of emergency.) Get creative: Dig up your old-fashioned alarm clock, update your car’s navigation system, and put that digital camera back in your bag for the times when getting a call or text will tempt you even if the sound, vibrate, and all other alerts are off. See note in Step 3, above. 5. Tell people what you are doing Tell folks you are working with a productivity expert (that’s me), and she’s coaching you to find more focus, flow and enjoyment at work and in life. You’ll only be checking your email at two or three set times per day. Tell them you expect to be able to respond more thoughtfully to email this way, and that when you’re with them, you’ll be fully present. Perhaps invite them to a smartphone-free lunch. 6. Notice what happens It will not all be pleasant. Notice the difficult bits with curiosity (and maybe humor). How do you feel during the digital detox period? How are people reacting? Your tension levels will likely drop, and you’ll probably be less stressed. How does this feel in your body? Really see the people around you, now that you are looking up from your phone. Smile. Read Christine's second blog here, and her final blog here. To see Christine's recommendations in action, read coaching "subject" Donna Stokes' blog here. Want more? Listen to Christine on our podcast as she explains how to unplug from work, here. Christine Carter, Ph.D., is a sociologist and senior fellow at University of California, Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center. She is a sought-after coach and speaker, and author of The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work.

Self-Care

6 Steps to Better Sleep

As part of Live Happy’s special series 90 Days to a Happier You we’ve gathered experts from around the country with unbeatable advice about how we can change habits and live better in 2016. Below, in the first part of an ongoing blog series, sleep expert Michael Breus, Ph.D., walks us through the steps of a successful sleep intervention. Wasted. Wiped out. Zonked. Knackered. If you have insomnia, then you know what it feels like to be very, very tired during the day. That’s because you simply are not getting enough good quality sleep at night. Research shows that sleep deprivation affects every organ system and can bring on severe psychological distress. In fact, in many countries it is used as a form of torture! Many factors can cause acute or chronic insomnia, including anxiety, stress, depression and physical ailments such as asthma, cancer and heart failure. In addition, noise, light or extreme temperatures can interfere with one’s sleep, as can a change in sleep schedule and many other factors. What are the symptoms of insomnia? If you have insomnia, you might have difficulty falling asleep, you may wake too early, or, like Live Happy editor at large Shelley Levitt, you may wake up many times during the night. During the day, you might feel tired, irritable and have a lack of motivation or problems with concentration and memory. You might find yourself making mistakes at work or school and having unexplained headaches or stomach pains. Not surprisingly, one symptom is worry about sleep! How is insomnia treated? The main treatment for insomnia is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a highly effective form of talk therapy in which you counter irrational thinking with more logical thought patterns. Before we start CBT, I ask my patients to make a few lifestyle changes and sleep schedules. 1. Make lifestyle changes to improve sleep Give yourself a chance to relax before bedtime by bathing or listening to relaxing music. Try not to eat a heavy meal late in the day. Make your bedroom comfortable for sleep: Keep it dark, quiet, and not too warm or cold. Use a sleep mask to block light or earplugs or a fan to block noise. I know it’s a struggle, but try not to worry about sleep when you go to bed. You can distract yourself with reading, prayer or meditation. Turn your clock around so you won’t be tempted to constantly check the time; you may even want to move your clock across the room to resist temptation. 2. Be aware of triggers that set off your insomnia Many people have a predisposition to stress and anxiety, which may then make them more likely to fall into insomnia. Something occurs called a “precipitating event,” which can be the loss of a loved one, a divorce or a new job—anything that causes a large amount of stress. This event in turn can bring on negative habits such as not getting to bed regularly or using alcohol to help with sleep and deal with the stress. Things start to snowball and can develop into a case of insomnia. If you know you are about to encounter a stressful situation or time, try to seek ways to alleviate the stress, such as exercise and meditation, so that you do not end up falling into a negative sleep or caffeine/alcohol pattern. 3. Keep a sleep diary I ask patients to keep a sleep journal in which they write down the information below, which we then review, looking for patterns: Time you went to bed. Approximate time you fell asleep. Time you woke up. Number of times you woke up during the night. Amount of time you stayed awake during the night. If you used any medication. Any grogginess upon waking in the morning or during the day. Naps and durations. 4. Sleep restriction This technique is highly effective if done correctly under the supervision of a sleep specialist or health care professional. It is completely counterintuitive, but it really works. I ask my patients to go to bed later, not earlier. So for example, if you’ve been going to sleep at 10 p.m. but not falling asleep until 12 a.m., and then getting up at 6:30 a.m., I would ask you to go to bed instead at 12:30 a.m. This allows for only 6 hours in bed. After seven to 10 days, I usually see that the number of awakenings at night reduced and the amount of sleep consolidated. The brain is starting to know when to go to sleep and stay asleep. It is difficult, though, and the schedule must be maintained on the weekends as well. 5. Cognitive restructuring It turns out that the way you think about sleep affects the way you sleep. For example if you think, “If I don’t get eight hours of sleep, it will cause me major health consequences,” you create a level of anxiety every time you don’t get that eight hours. I use a specialized questionnaire to identify cognitive misperceptions like this one. Next we spend time investigating these perceptions to see if they are true (in most cases they are exaggerated) and what the patient can do to reframe his or her thoughts about sleep. Then doctor and patient work through these misperceptions together. (This step is an example of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.) 6. Meditation and relaxation training If the sleep restriction is working, but you are still having difficulty falling asleep when your bedtime is moved earlier, I go to specialized relaxation techniques designed to help specifically with falling asleep or waking up in the middle of the night. Read Michael's second blog here. To see Michael's recommendations in action, read sleep intervention "subject" Shelley Levitt's blog here. Listen to Michael himself explain how to overcome chronic insomnia on our podcast! Michael Breus, Ph.D., is a board-certified sleep specialist in Los Angles, California. His books include Good Night: The Sleep Doctor's 4-week Program to Better Sleep and Better Health and The Sleep Doctor’s Diet Plan: Lose Weight Through Better Sleep. Michael has made appearances on national media, including Dr. Oz, Oprah and CNN.

Lifestyle

Jewel: Pieces of Her

Jewel’s childhood was spent in the wilderness of Homer, Alaska. The singer/songwriter spent much of her teens traveling along the west coast, playing music to survive. Her career began to take shape in San Diego in the 1990s, while she was living in her van. Now, two decades later, the multi-platinum megastar has enjoyed years of well-earned success, the adoration of millions, and an amazing life story to share. This past fall, she released two of her most personal works yet: her back-to-her-roots album “Picking Up The Pieces” (featuring a can’t-miss duet with Live Happy cover girl Dolly Parton) and her long-awaited memoir, Never Broken. We spoke to Jewel about her ups, her downs, and how her life might inspire others to find their own smile. Live Happy: Was writing your book a way for you to set the record straight on many of the misconceptions about your life that have surfaced over the years? Jewel: I didn't do it so much to set the record straight. I've never really had a chip on my shoulder one way or another. … I did it really because I'm very, very aware of how much people hurt in the world and I think there are things we can do about it. I think people are waiting for permission from other people to live happy lives, and the only people we need permission from is ourselves. Live Happy: Obviously, your life is now somewhat of an open book, literally. Going back to the days when you were out struggling on your own, did you feel more guarded? Jewel: Shame lives in silence and it drowns you. The only antidote to shame is communication, and so I just started saying everything I was afraid of, that I thought was bad about myself. I started writing songs about it and singing in the coffee shops in San Diego, and a very bizarre thing happened. People didn't laugh at me or shun me. I felt peace and they felt peace. They felt the exact same way as I did. Really it was about the empowerment of being able to be honest about who and what you were with all of your flaws and allow yourself to be seen. If you're kidding yourself about what your fears and your shames are, you're not actually going to be able accept change in your life. I think that's a critical thing. I think people should share. I think people should have real debates about what's happened in their lives instead of being shamed and trying to hide it. Live Happy: How has the idea of happiness changed for you as you evolved from upstart artist to successful star? Jewel: I was just as aware when I was a kid that happiness is a learned skill, I think, and that some houses don't nurture happiness. When I moved out at fifteen, I started something called my happiness journal where I was going to figure out how to be happy, but it only makes you examine what happiness means because it's a very blanket statement. … For me I think a lot of times people think happiness is like a continent. They're like, "I found Europe, and I'm never leaving now that I found Europe." It's not like that. It's fleeting, and that's what makes it beautiful. There's nothing constant in our lives, and if you can't accept that you're going to be miserable because you have emotions in the same day that all switch between happiness and anxiety and fear and trepidation and courage. It's the mixed bag that makes us feel alive. I like that; I can handle that. I like noticing when I am happy just doing very simple things. In my book I talk about creating a home for happiness. You have to create an environment for happiness to live in your life. You can't have a disorganized, stressful environment in a home life and expect happiness to come. I really do talk a lot about building the foundation for happiness. Live Happy: When people read your book, will they be surprised by some of the events that made you happy? Jewel: The highest times in my life were always simultaneously the lowest times in my life, that’s a kind of strange thing about me. The heights of my fame were actually some difficult years personally. I think that will really surprise people reading about that. I think my lows, like being homeless, were the most fertile and educational times for me. I still really draw a lot from what I learned to turn my life around. I don't have any bad memories of it, and the main takeaway for me is just that the human spirit can endure a lot and you're not broken. Your soul isn't a teacup that breaks. You're intact, and it's really learning how to let go of the wounds and the damage that's happened to you, but it doesn't break you. It's more like an archaeological dig back to yourself. I really don't believe you're broken. I hope a lot of different survivors would read the book and agree. Gerry Strauss is a journalist specializing in entertainment and pop-culture features. He has interviewed everyone from actress Mayim Bialik to pro wrestler Paul “Triple H” Levesque.

Shawn Achor's tips for being happy during the holidays.

Practice

3 Secrets to Happiness This Holiday Season

Expectations and stress seem to increase over the holidays, especially in the weeks leading up to them. We need to make the perfect meals, wear the perfect clothes and, of course, get the perfect gifts. But while it is easy to fall into the trap of striving for perfection, true happiness comes from some surprising places that are wonderfully imperfect. These never-talked-about holiday strategies for happiness are based on the research from our books BroadcastingHappiness and Before Happiness, and we have even tested them in our home. They can help you de-stress and keep your priorities in order so you’re not only happier this holiday season but better at spreading that joy, too.1. Eat a whole pumpkin pieWe are planning on eating a whole pumpkin pie each over the holidays. When writing your to-do list, include items you may have already accomplished or are guaranteed to tackle. If you know you are definitely going to eat a whole pie or stock the wine fridge ahead of a big celebration at your house, put those on your list as items to check off.As featured in Before Happiness, making a to-do list that includes easy wins becomes motivational fuel for your brain. A series of studies from the Columbia University Graduate School of Business found that if the brain perceives it is closer to the finish line, it works harder and faster, which makes you better prepared to accomplish more.2. Make 'em cryMake a list of family and friends you’d like to bring to tears, and then each day write one person a handwritten note to make it happen. Taking just five minutes, tell them why you are grateful for them and how they have made your life happier over the past year. Be specific. This is the perfect way to meaningfully touch their hearts and spread love to those you care about most. Additionally, this dose of conscious gratitude is good for you. A study at the University of Pennsylvania found that writing a gratitude letter and delivering it in person caused the giver’s happiness levels to jump dramatically and last for up to a month.3. Get Santa's greatest hitsSanta doesn’t reinvent the wheel each year. He has his greatest hits and sticks with them. In order to make this year’s holiday prep easier on you, ask yourself what you did last year that went really well, and build upon those successes. If your eggnog recipe was the rage, stick with it. If you found gift bags easier and prettier than wrapping presents with paper, go with what you know. Understanding our strengths and how to leverage them is central to positive psychology. It’s the key to achieving more in less time with less work. For instance, your zest can bring out others’ excitement and sense of fun, while your perseverance allows you to stay focused while preparing a complicated dish.Since people love traditions, they will come to know what they can expect from you each year. (Another eggnog, please!) From our family to yours, we wish you very happy holidays.Read more by Shawn and Michelle: Give HappySHAWN ACHOR is the New York Timesbest-selling author ofThe Happiness AdvantageandBefore Happiness. After he spent 12 years at Harvard University, Shawn traveled to more than 50 countries,bringing positive psychology to schools and companies. He is co-founder of the happiness research and consulting groupGoodthink Inc.MICHELLE GIELAN is an expert on the science of positive communication and how to use it to fuel success. She holds a master’s degree in applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania, and is co-founder of the happiness research and consulting groupGoodthink Inc.Her first book is calledBroadcasting Happiness.

Reading

3 Habits to Boost Resilience

I’d been reading Bouncing Forward: Transforming Bad Breaks into Breakthroughs when I hit a few wrong keys on my computer and accidentally deleted my utilities folder. It’s the kind of thing that sets you into a the-world-is-coming-to-an-end panic, which I felt, but only briefly. The book had equipped me with a sense of perspective, and I calmly went about the business of restoring what I’d lost. Now, eight hours later, I still can’t print documents or send emails, but I’m heartened by the knowledge that I’m a stronger, more resilient person. Bouncing Forward was written by Michaela Haas, a mindfulness coach with a Ph.D. in Asian Studies and Buddhism teacher at the University of California, Santa Barbara. Her subject is post-traumatic growth—the positive, transformative changes that some people experience as they struggle with adversity. The upside of adversity Also on my nightstand is another new volume, Upside: The New Science of Post-Traumatic Growth by journalist Jim Rendon. Both of these books share stories of people who have withstood staggering crises: they were prisoners of war or concentration-camp survivors, they lost a child or their entire family to a drunken driver or a natural disaster, they were left paralyzed after a horrific accident or they were the victims of unspeakable violence. With hard work and grit each eventually emerged from trauma with deeper relationships, a new sense of purpose and an increased appreciation of life. It’s impossible not to be moved, inspired and fortified by these tales. Few of us, as Michaela writes, will be attacked by a shark, as surfer Bethany Hamilton was, or targeted by the Taliban, like Malala Yousafzai, the extraordinary Nobel Prize-winning advocate for girls’ education. But we all endure loss and pain in our lives and we can all learn lessons from the science of post-traumatic growth on how to deal with bad breaks, both the small ones—like a computer crash—and the ones that rip apart the fabric of our lives. Read more: The Bounce-Back Effect Three daily habits, according to Michaela and Jim, will help us cultivate courage and resilience in the face of adversity: 1. Meditate Spend 12 minutes every morning and every evening meditating. Simply sit in a comfortable position with your eyes closed or slightly open and bring your attention to your breath, observing how it fills your body and then flows out again. If your attention wanders to the sound of a honking horn outside or your to-do list, gently, without reproach, bring your attention back to your breath. Meditation, Michaela says, trains us in regulating stress and calming fear, the very skills we need to confront and recover from adversity. You might want to experiment with a form of meditation called Loving-Kindness Meditation (sometimes called Compassion Meditation). Again, sit in a comfortable position and pay attention to your breath. Then, focusing on your heart region, Michaela suggests, think about someone for whom you have very warm, positive feelings. Now replace the focus on your breath with these thoughts as you inhale and exhale: “May you enjoy happiness and the causes of happiness,” “May you be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.” After a few minutes extend those warm thoughts to yourself: “May I enjoy happiness and the causes of happiness,” “May I be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.” This practice of loving-kindness enhances your ability to generate positive emotions even in the face of a distressing situation. Read more: Train Yourself to Love in 4 Steps 2. Appreciate Cultivate a practice of gratitude and appreciation. Every day, write down three things you are grateful for; jot down the first three things that come to mind. These can be little things—the basil that’s blooming in your backyard garden—or bigger things, like good news on a medical test. “When the pudding hits the fan, appreciation becomes invaluable,” Michaela says, but it’s also easy to become downtrodden as we confront challenges. If your default position is to focus on the gifts in your life, you’ll find it easier to keep your spirits uplifted and move on to what needs to be done. 3. Connect Instead of shutting out other people by texting or checking emails as you go through your day, look for opportunities to engage. A rich body of research, Jim says in his book, shows that connection with other people is a key predictor of growth after a traumatic event. Even online communities help trauma survivors of all kinds feel more optimistic, confident and empowered. So, consider an experiment: for a few days, make a point of chatting with the barista at your coffee shop or the cashier at the supermarket; smile at passers-by on the street; hold the elevator doors for a stranger. You might discover that these small acts of building community provide a boost to your sense of well-being. Read more: The Science of Post-Traumatic Growth Shelley Levitt is a freelance journalist based in Southern California, and editor at large for Live Happy.

Positive Psychology

The End of Bullying?

Her own harrowing experiences in middle school inspired Deborah Temkin, Ph.D., to grow up to become one of the leading researchers in the United States on bullying. She was severely bullied—both verbally and physically—and felt that her school let her down by not preventing the bad things that were happening to her. Any attempt to address the abuse was met with retaliation and isolation from her peers. Years later, while earning her doctorate in human development and family studies at Pennsylvania State University, she realized that many schools just aren’t equipped or have counterproductive policies to address the issue that affects roughly one out of every four students. Being bullied, she says, gave her purpose in life, and she has made it her mission to help schools create better climates. From 2010 to 2012, she served as the policy coordinator for bullying prevention for the U.S. Department of Education and is now the director of education research for Child Trends, an independent research organization focused on improving the lives of young people. “Unfortunately, a lot of schools use the approach of just telling kids to stop bullying,” she says. “I like to compare that to the ‘Just Say No’ campaign in the ’80s and ’90s.” If such a campaign “didn’t work for drugs, it’s probably not working for bullying. We really need to think through what our approach should be.” More vulnerable kids Kids who suffer from bullying are more vulnerable to depression, anxiety and internalizing bad experiences. The constant barrage of negative behavior can have long-lasting effects on their self-worth and motivation later in life and can even lead to thoughts of suicide. Those who engage in bullying behavior have a much higher risk of ending up in the juvenile court system and eventually jail. Even the kids who are bystanders can suffer from guilt and regret from not stepping in to protect someone. Zero-tolerance rules, suspensions and expulsions have proved to be ineffective measures to combat the issue. Traditionally, schools in the United States have been measuring their success based on academics rather than the well-being of the students. But prominent positive psychologists around the world have been studying the underlying causes of bullying, and their findings are both surprising and encouraging. What’s more, their unique intervention techniques have been highly successful, showing the promise of effective, sustainable solutions for future generations of schoolchildren. Listen to our special podcast on bullying, here. Positive climate change Deborah points out that the United States doesn’t necessarily extend its high standards and accountability on reading and math scores to school climate. Her research found that when schools focus on a positive climate—for example, fostering relationships in the classroom—bullying rates go down. Another effective weapon in the arsenal is to build up students’ emotional and social skills by teaching them compassion, empathy, conflict resolution and how to express their feelings without turning to aggressive behavior. “This helps them identify both their own emotions and reaction to certain situations as well as put themselves in other people’s shoes and understand how they may be feeling,” she says. Since 2010, there has been more attention to the issue of bullying. The U.S. Department of Education awarded $38.8 million in grants to 11 states, among them Arizona, Kansas, Louisiana and South Carolina, to bolster bully and drug prevention programs, build character and maintain proper well-being within the student body. While every state now has an anti-bullying law in place, Deborah says that no two laws are alike and a lot of the behavior is open to interpretation. A 2013 report by the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES) and Bureau of Justice Statistics indicates a recent dip in reported bullying in the U.S. among 12- to 18-year-olds by as much as 6 percent. While this is a significant drop and a positive sign, Deborah urges caution on drawing any conclusions until the 2015 findings are released. A continued decrease could indicate that recent bullying programs may be helping. “It is hard to attribute the drop to any one thing,” she says. “Both attention and action toward bullying dramatically increased starting in 2010, and some of that drop may be attributed to the ongoing campaigns of many organizations and the federal government.” Positive psychology in the classroom Alejandro Adler, a Ph.D. candidate in positive psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, routinely works with governments and international organizations to help incorporate positive education techniques into their respective curricula. He says more countries are starting to adopt a new paradigm in the teaching of youth where well-being and character development are given as much attention as academic success. “A sustainable solution is creating psychological and emotional assets in the community so that people are able to grow emotionally, psychologically and socially and get rid of those deficiencies and insecurities,” he says. “Rather than punishing bullying, why not educate people so that they become aware of what is really behind bullying? It’s really a sign of weakness and insecurity, and by attacking the root cause we can sustainably get rid of bullying. We need to not only be educating for numeracy and literacy, but educating for a healthy social and emotional life.” Stopping bullying at its source Throughout his research, Alejandro has found that bullies typically lack psychological and social support, whether that is in the home or in the community. Kids who aren’t in a nourishing environment start to develop insecurities and aggressive behaviors that lead to bullying. When students, including the bullies, are taught life skills, such as leadership, resilience, empathy and mindfulness, the social environment improves. Individual insecurities will start to decrease and self-esteem and self-efficacy will increase. “Bullying is really a form of aggression and violence. It may not always be physical, but psychological violence toward others,” he says. “So we’ve seen that individuals with higher well-being are more pro-social and less violent, both physically and verbally.” Aside from building a pro-social environment, Alejandro says it is also important to take the “cool” factor away from bullies by changing the lens through which they are viewed. When bullies are aware of their sociological and psychological deficiencies, it almost becomes embarrassing for them to continue with their behavior. By using this approach to the problem, Alejandro says, it can be very effective in diminishing bullying. A new world view Alejandro and his adviser, Martin Seligman, Ph.D., the director of the Penn Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania, are working at a policy level with schools in at least 10 countries, including Australia, India, Mexico, Peru and the Philippines, and are starting to see preliminary positive results. In Australia, leading researcher in educational psychology and Australian Catholic University professor Herb Marsh is finding that bullying behavior diminishes when the whole school approach is used. In his presentation at the Fourth World Conference on Positive Psychology, held in June, 2015 in Orlando, Florida, he stated that where most bully interventions go wrong is when students are classified into different groups, such as: those who are bullied, those who bully and those who are bystanders. What is more likely is that students can play different roles, switching between all three. He finds that there seems to be a mutually reinforcing relationship as well as a reciprocal effect between the bullies and the victims as the two are “surprisingly similar to each other.” “Consistently, interventions should reinforce students’ high self-concepts, as they are a likely force against being a bully and being a victim. In our intervention, there are no benefits to being a bully,” he says. “It’s important, for students, teachers and parents to reinforce that bullying behavior is unacceptable so the students cannot delude themselves into thinking that socially inappropriate behaviors result in enhanced social status, and positive self-perceptions, real or imagined.” According to his findings, bullies and victims both share low self-esteem issues, suffer from depression and have trouble controlling anger—bullies externally and victims internally. Victims are more likely to reinforce bullying behavior, actively or passively, instead of empathizing with another victim. The largest group, students who are bystanders, are not as innocent as previously thought and are very important to the intervention for creating a positive school climate. By not actively taking action against bullying behavior, bystanders are passively encouraging pro-bullying behavior. This group is critical to changing the environment from pro- to anti-bullying behavior. Herb’s research team successfully implemented an intervention in its study of six schools in Australia. The intervention consisted of training teachers to treat bullying behavior appropriately, having trained consultants dedicated to bullying available at all times, and educating students and their parents. A sign of positive change In 2012, a study conducted on students ages 9 to 11 in Vancouver, British Columbia, found that when pro-social behavior was introduced into the classroom, such as performing random acts of kindness, the students who participated were actually more accepted by their peers and even saw a boost in their popularity. This led to a decrease in bullying and an increase in overall well-being. The study also suggests that having a pro-social school climate can have a ripple effect beyond the kids actually doing the good deeds, affecting the community at large. While the U.S. has yet to work with educators in the field of positive psychology, Deborah does point out that during her time with the Department of Education, there were at least discussions with international leaders and researchers across borders to better understand the best approaches to bullying behavior. Alejandro adds that with larger governments, it is harder to implement a positive education curriculum due to the bureaucratic process. “The larger the scale, the lower the impact,” he says. “There are more layers between the students and the people who design the program. The substance and quality gets diluted rather than training the teachers directly.” Why me? Aija Mayrock always thought of herself as a normal, happy kid. She was creative and loved to write poems, draw pictures and act in plays. Her home life was good, and she says she had incredible and supportive parents. So when the bullying started, Aija was baffled as to why she was being singled out. By the time she made it to the third grade, she was being bullied regularly and continued to be throughout middle and high schools. She became withdrawn and self conscious about her appearance; she stopped doing the things that made her happy, and her creativity was stifled. After years of struggling to find the answer, Aija realized she was asking the wrong question. The bullying was happening whether she liked it or not. The question now was what was she going to do about it? The answer came to her in the form of helping others, and she used the one thing that the bullies took from her: creativity. No longer a victim, nor a bystander “I decided I couldn’t be a bystander to my own bullying situation or the bullying that was happening to nearly 13 million kids a year,” Aija says. “I decided the best thing to do to help these kids was to create a book that I never had and always wanted, and so I decided to write this book and kind of give it as a gift for the next generation of kids that would be bullied.” So at 16 years old she self-published the book The Survival Guide to Bullying, only to have it picked up a month later by children’s and educational publishing giant Scholastic. In it she covers topics like communication with parents and teachers, tips on how to conquer your fears, and details her own ups and downs with bullying. She has spoken to numerous schools about the issue of bullying and has been featured in anti-bully campaigns. Many kids know who she is and even credit her with giving them the courage to move beyond their own bullying experiences. “Sometimes you have to become your own superhero, because sometimes there is no one there to save you,” she says. “I got to a point where the bullying no longer affected me, and I didn’t feel angry or sad or frustrated, I just felt great. I encourage kids to take charge of their life and get to a point where they feel free from the bullying, and maybe at that point they will begin to forgive.” Sharing hope Unlike Aija, Jaylen Arnold knew exactly why he was singled out as a target for bullies. Jaylen suffers from Tourette’s syndrome, Asperger’s syndrome and severe obsessive compulsive disorder, all diagnosed before he was 8 years old. Jaylen says kids started to notice his vocal and motor neurological ticks, and he became an obvious target. With the added stress exacerbating his condition, the decision was made to take Jaylen out of school. This didn’t sit well with Jaylen, and he felt like he was leaving his friends behind, as they were victims of bullying as well. He finally realized that that if he and so many of his friends could all be bullied, how many other kids around the world were being bullied, too? “Around that time of my life I realized that I wanted to do something,” Jaylen says. “So I went to my mom and we created the Jaylens Challenge Foundation and went around to schools and started speaking and educating kids not only on Tourette’s, but on bullying as well.” Jaylen, now 14, tours the country speaking to hundreds of thousands of kids about his life experiences and bullying. He has met countless celebrities and has even been on the Ellen show. But more importantly, he has been able to give kids hope that they, too, can survive bullying, and he has even changed some minds. He says bullies have reached out to him to say they have stopped harassing kids after listening to his story. Victims have even told him that they have stopped thinking about suicide, realizing there is hope for a more positive future. “A lot of people feel like they will never make it through because it is an intense period of life, but it’s only a temporary thing,” he says. “If you just go to an adult, if you or someone you know is being bullied, then it can stop. All you have to do is speak up. I know it can be hard at times. I was terrified to tell my parents because I thought the bullying would get worse, but I tell kids never to fear that things will get worse.” Read more: YouTube Star Stands Up to Bullying Communication is key There is only so much a school can do for your children once you drop them off. Parents must also be proactive in their kids’ lives by looking for signs, such as changes in behavior, loss of appetite and loss of sleep, and must keep the lines of communication open. A well-informed, confident and resilient child is going to be better equipped to handle a stressful and negative situation. The same goes if you suspect your child may be a bully. Teaching our kids to be less aggressive and more mindful and compassionate can help broaden a young mind to think more inclusively and less hurtfully. “One of the most preventive steps that parents can take is to start those lines of communication early before something happens,” Deborah says. “Establishing that parents are going to listen, not judge their kids and have regular conversations.” She points out the difficulty in trying to pry information out of an adolescent, but communicating consistently makes it easier when issues arise. Someone to talk to Communication is something Aija really stresses when she talks to kids and parents. She frequently hears from parents that they had no idea their kid was being bullied, and she has dedicated a whole chapter in her book about the importance of having one person to confide in. “I really regret not knowing how to talk to my parents about what was going on, and I really encourage kids to find that place where they are comfortable enough to approach their parents or loved ones or teachers,” she says. “You just don’t have to go through the bullying alone. It’s not healthy, and to have someone looking out for you and having your best interests at heart will make the complete difference. I didn’t communicate properly and I wish I had.” She hopes her book will help spur the conversation that it is OK to talk about it and there is no stigma attached to being bullied. Behavior begins at home Parents can help by reinforcing good behavior at home. Mark Dombeck, Ph.D., a cognitive behavioral therapist in Oakland, California, says that any parenting behavior that teaches polite, respectful and compassionate social behavior is going to work against bullying. Conversely, when parents teach their children to be ultra-competitive, aggressive and overly status-conscious then they are paving the way for a potential bully. “Parents can teach their kids to be more compassionate and thoughtful, correcting them when they take things for granted,” he says. “Teaching your kid to say please and thank you, at one level is a simple social lubrication behavior, but is also a social skill. But where it goes, what it points at is the idea that we need to respect the other person because of the Golden Rule.” Read more: Bullying's Ripple Effect Chris Libby is the Section Editor at Live Happy.

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