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Profile: Christopher Peterson

The late Christopher Peterson, Ph.D., was a renowned professor, philosopher, textbook author—and blogger. His blog for Psychology Todaywas called “The Good Life: Positive psychology and what makes life worth living,” and who wouldn’t want to learn about that?“Other people matter,” Chris said, and it became his signature phrase. When he died unexpectedly at 62 in October 2012, there was an outpouring of grief from former students and friends—a Facebook tribute page was established, Psychology Today created a tribute page from his friends and colleagues and The International Positive Psychology Association’s Third World Congress on Positive Psychology devoted an entire session to celebrating his life and legacy.Academically, he was known as one of the pioneers in the positive psychology field. He officially held the Arthur F. Thurnau Professorship at the University of Michigan, where he taught from 1986 until his death. But he cherished most the Golden Apple Award—given annually to a professor who “treats each lecture as if it were his last”—he received from the student body in 2010.His groundbreakingstudy of optimists and pessimists found that optimists are more likely to outlast pessimists. But perhaps his most important professional achievement was as research director of the Values In Action (VIA) project, which produced assessment tools—a set of surveys—he devised along with Martin Seligman, Ph.D.The VIA Institute on Character is a nonprofit formed to advance the science and practice of character. Their aim is to fill the world with greater virtue—i.e. more wisdom, courage, humanity, justice, temperance and transcendence. And they do this by offering the VIA Surveyfree of charge, across the globe. Understanding and using your strengths contributes to increased happiness and better relationships, among other benefits, according to the website.Chris wroteA Primer in Positive Psychology, an accessible introduction to the scientific study of what goes right in people’s lives—instead of psychology’s traditional investigation of what’s wrong. HisPursuing the Good Life: 100 Reflections on Positive Psychologygathers and updates his blog posts. The book’s format—in short, annotated chunks of two or three pages—lends itself to delightful browsing.“There must be an ancient Buddhist aphorism that makes my point profoundly,” he wrote in late 2009, “but I’ll just say it bluntly, in plain 21st century Americanese: Don’t sweat the small stuff; and most of it is small stuff. Days are long. Life is short. Live it well.”

Resources

The President’s Address by Martin Seligman

When I was elected president of our Association, I was both humbled and challenged by what I saw as an opportunity to enlarge the scope of our discipline's work. For I believed then, and do still hold, that there are two areas in which psychology of the late 20th century has not played a large enough role in making the lives of people better. One area that cries out for psychology's attention is the 20th century's shameful legacy of ethnic conflict. (Even as I write this piece, the world community is struggling with the plight of some half-million refugees from Kosovo.) The second area cries out for what I call "positive psychology," that is, a reoriented science that emphasizes the understanding and building of the most positive qualities of an individual: optimism, courage, work ethic, future-mindedness, interpersonal skill, the capacity for pleasure and insight, and social responsibility. It's my belief that since the end of World War II, psychology has moved too far away from its original roots, which were to make the lives of all people more fulfilling and productive, and too much toward the important, but not all-important, area of curing mental illness. With these two areas of need in mind—relieving ethnic conflict and making life more fulfilling—I created two presidential initiatives during my time in office, as described below. Ethnopolitical Conflict Certainly the goal of a more peaceful 21st century is as complex and as urgent as ever. To help psychology build an infrastructure that would allow future psychologists to play a role in preventing ethnic conflict and violence, I teamed with Canadian Psychological Association President Peter Suedfeld and created a joint APA/CPA Task Force on Ethnopolitical Warfare. Dr. Suedfeld and I believe that with the death of fascism and the winding down of communism, the warfare the world faces in the next century will be ethnic in its roots and hatreds. In contemporary ethnopolitical conflicts, as in Kosovo right now, civilian populations are the primary targets of terror. The destruction of whole communities and the ongoing problems of refugees and human rights abuse amplify the problems. What can psychology do? I submit to you that we can train today's young psychologists who have the courage and the humanity for such work to better understand, predict, and even prevent such tragedies. When the worst does occur, we can train psychologists to help pick up the pieces by helping people and communities heal and learn to live and trust together again. The first step in creating a scholarly understanding of ethnic conflict was taken at an APA/CPA conference on the subject at the University of Ulster in Derry/Londonderry, Northern Ireland, in June. The meeting, chaired by Dan Chirot of the University of Washington, brought together 30 of the world's most distinguished specialists not just from psychology but from many disciplines, for example, from the fields of history, ethnic conflicts, human rights, and conflict resolution. Among the questions discussed were the following: What do we know about the roots of ethnopolitical violence? Why do some potentially violent situations result in violence while others do not? How does a society resolve group conflict relatively peacefully, as in the case of a South Africa, while others are solved with mass murder or forced migration? Clearly, these are difficult questions, and the answers need to come from many disciplines. But to set the stage, three universities are taking the lead in creating a pioneering postdoctoral fellowship program combining both scholarship and field work in the scientist-practitioner model to study ethnopolitical conflict. The first entering class is that of June 1999. Classes will take place on three campuses—at the University of Pennsylvania, the University of Cape Town in South Africa, and the University of Ulster in Northern Ireland. The Mellon Foundation, the National Institute of Mental Health, and private donors have already pledged over $2 million to this initiative. A NewScience ofHumanStrengths Entering a new millennium, we face a historical choice.Standing alone on the pinnacle of economic and political leadership, the United States can continue to increase its material wealth while ignoring the human needs of our people and of the people on the rest of the planet. Such a course is likely to lead to increasing selfishness, alienation between the more and the less fortunate, and eventually to chaos and despair. At this juncture, psychology can play an enormously important role. We can articulate a vision of the good life that is empirically sound and, at the same time, understandableand attractive. We can show the world what actions lead to well-being, to positive individuals, to flourishing communities, and to a just society. Ideally, psychology should be able to help document what kind of families result in the healthiest children, what work environments support the greatest satisfaction among workers, and what policies result in the strongest civic commitment. Yet we have scant knowledge of what makes life worth living. For although psychology has come to understand quite a bit about how people survive and endure under conditions of adversity, we know very little about how normal people flourish under more benign conditions. This is because since World War II, psychology has become a science largely about healing. It concentrates on repairing damage within a disease model of human functioning. Such almost exclusive attention to pathology neglects the flourishing individual and the thrivingcommunity. True, our emphasis on assessing and healingdamage has been important and had its important victories. By my count, we now understand and can effectively treat at least 14 mental disorders that we could not treat 50 years ago. But these victories have come at a considerable cost. When we became solely a healing profession, we forgot our larger mission: that of making the lives of all people better.In this time of unprecedented prosperity, our children can look forward to more buying power, more education, more technology, and more choices than ever before. If it were indeed true that depression is caused by bad events, then Americans today, especially young Americans, should be a very happy group. But the reality is that a sea change has taken place in the mental health of young Americans over the last 40 years. The most recent data show that there is more than 10 times as much serious depression now as 4 decades ago. Worse, depression is now a disorder of the early teenage years rather than a disorder that starts in middle age, a situation that comprises the single largest change in the modern demographics of mental illness. And that, I believe, is the major paradox of the late 20th century. Why? In searching for the answer, I look not toward the lessons of remedial psychology with its emphasis on repairing damage. Instead, I look to a new social and behavioral science that seeks to understand and nurture those human strengths that can prevent the tragedy of mental illness. For it is my belief that no medication or technique of therapy holds as much promise for serving as a buffer against mental illness as does human strength. But psychology's focus on the negative has left us knowing too little about the many instances of growth, mastery, drive, and character building that can develop out of painful life events. So my second presidential initiative is intended to begin building an infrastructure within the discipline and funding it from outside to encourage and foster the growth of the new science and profession of positive psychology. Our mission is to utilize quality scientific research and scholarship to reorient our science and practice toward human strength. In this way, we can learn to identify and understand the traits and underpinnings of preventive psychological health and, most importantly, learn how to foster such traits in young people.Supporting the research and vision of tomorrow’s positive psychology leaders will be an important part of building the foundation of this new science. Toward this end, a number of projects are under way. With generous support from the John Templeton Foundation, APA has created the Templeton Positive Psychology Prize. Awarded annually, it will recognize and encourage the work of mid-career researchers working in the realm of positive psychology. When it is bestowed for the first time in February 2000, the Templeton Prize will become the largest monetary award ever given in psychology. In addition, a "junior scientists" network of 18 early and mid-career researchers all working in issue areas related to positive psychology has also been created. The network grew out of 6 days of conversation and brainstorming led by Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi, Don Clifton, Raymond Fowler, and myself. This meeting was an unparalleled success. The typical evaluation was "the best intellectual experience of my career." Now these 18 young scientists will continue to collaborate both electronically and face to face. My expectation is that they will be the leaders of our reoriented science in decades to come. In 1998, two groups of more senior scholars also met and began work on the taxonomy of the roots of a positive life. One group is asking, "What are the characteristics of a positive life, and how can they be measured and taught? What are the relationships among subjective well-being, positive individual traits, and positive community?" The other group seeks to transform the study of genius and extraordinary accomplishments. They commend to our science the idea that human greatness occurs not only in the realm of achievement, but that genius can also come into play in mastering human relationships, assuming moral responsibility, engaging in spirituality, and viewing life as a work of art. This Truly Extraordinary People group intends to pioneer such studies. The creation of a new science of positive psychology can be the "Manhattan Project" for the social sciences. It will require substantial resources but it does hold unprecedented promise. The medical model often talks about medical cost offset; and, indeed, cost offset is important. But I suggest there's another cost offset to consider: one for the individual and for the community. Positive psychology should not only have as a useful side effect the prevention of serious mental illness, but it also holds the potential to create, as a direct effect, an understanding and a scientifically informed practice of the pursuit of the best things in life and of family and civic virtue. I have often been asked what was my reason, deep down, for running for president of APA. I will tell you now. It was because I thought I had a mission but did not know what it was.I thought that in serving as president, I would discover my mission. And I did. That mission is to partake in launching a science and a profession whose aim is the building of what makes life most worth living. This opportunity was your gift to me, and my fondest hope is that the two initiatives I have discussed above and gone on to launch will repay your trust. In closing, I now want to make explicit the underlying theme of my presidency: Psychology is not merely a branch of the health care system. It is not just an extension of medicine. And it is surely more than a tenant farmer on the plantation of profit-motivated health schemes. Our mission is much larger. We have misplaced our original and greater mandate to make life better for all people, not just the mentally ill. I therefore call on our profession and our science to take up this mandate once again as we enter the next millennium.

Lifestyle

Josh Radnor Talks About His Directing Philosophy

Excerpt from Josh Radnor interview (original full story):I watch some of these movie previews and I think, “My God, kids are watching this!” So I really consider what characters I want to bring to life. I’m obsessed with content and what we put out into the collective consciousness, so I have really strict standards about what I’ll do. Ultimately, the only real power I have is to say no. So I’m very proud of my résumé. But I love giving my film characters a real tangle and then watching how they manage to triumph. I write for actors. I write really juicy parts.I’ve learned a lot about real life from directing movies. For instance, I’ve learned about leadership. At the base of it is love—love for the project and a deep gratitude to the people involved in bringing it to life, but I’ve learned that sometimes sternness is also required. I also learned a lot from some wonderful mentors early on who let me believe I could do something that felt impossible at the time... be a professional actor. When you achieve something like that, suddenly all things seem possible.Somehow I knew that in order for me to keep my sanity as an actor, I needed to confront my mind and create a new relationship with it, so I’ve been meditating for nine years. It helps me to have a practice where I can watch my thoughts and learn not to react or identify with them. I call it serene self-observation; it’s a lifelong process—serene being the key word here. I should add that I fail at this regularly. But there’s a place beneath the madness that is calm, alert and awakened. This is the place I try to access and act from. It’s our natural state, our “Being.” I find it so useful to check in with myself and ask questions.“What am I being in this moment? What am I contributing? Am I asleep or am I awake?” Each of us—in every moment—is making a contribution to the world by our thoughts, words and actions. I think we underestimate how much power we have. Whatever qualities we wish the world to embody, we have to embody in ourselves. I believe that’s how we change the world. Not by hoping or wishing or delegating, but by being that change. I’m working hard to embody that change through the movies I make by offering a more inspiring, uplifting point of view. Too many people are already calling attention to the dark and dysfunctional.Pat Lavin is a Certified Hypnotherapist and Life Coach. Her inspirational and insightful articles, essays and interviews have appeared in publications throughout the country.

Happy woman in swimming pool wearing sunglasses.

Skills

How to Have a Happy Forecast

Every time someone walks into a room, they bring their own weather.Some people smile at you and you feel warmed just by their attention. Spend time with them and you get a sunnier perspective on the landscape that you are walking together. When you’re with them, you feel stronger to face the challenges.Some people usher in a cold front. You wrap your sweater a little tighter around you to insulate yourself from their chill. Others bring cloudy skies, with a chance of rain. Unpredictable, stormy, or just overcast.Yes, a happy person chooses their own barometric pressure. And you can tell the temperature in their spirit the minute they walk into the office, the book club or the party.Now there are plenty of good reasons why sunny days turn cloudy, but the person who has learned to navigate their own weather welcomes a whole lot of other people to walk with them in the rain. How do they do that? Among other things, they adopt three sheltering attitudes:They consider others. When they walk into the room, a happy person doesn’t think, “Well, here I am. Please love me.” Instead they get their eye on someone in front of them, walk toward them with body language that says, “Well, there you are! I was hoping you’d be here.” They set their own insecurities aside and serve another. In so doing they take the pressure off themselves—to measure up a certain way or out-do someone else. They are free to make someone else feel braver, and not surprisingly, they get there themselves.They know how to share their life. One year for my birthday, I bought myself counseling. It’s funny now, but at the time, I knew I needed to work through some huge hurts and changes in my life and I wanted to spare my girlfriends another lunch talking about the situation. I wanted to share my life with them, but the whole of my life—not just the sad parts. I care about my girlfriends and they care about me and we’ve learned that sharing includes, but is not limited to, “help me get through this.”They say thank you. Gratitude just makes you sunnier. With practice, anyone can see the good that even rain brings. Gratitude sets an altitude for living. When you’re most grateful, you just find it easier to breathe. It’s a curious fact—often the people who have suffered the most are also the most grateful. In their struggle to survive, they see something beautiful and precious that gets missed in routine living. I think they get a glimpse of the blue skies above the clouds.What’s the forecast today? You tell me. We all struggle with insecurities, with heartache, with challenges, but we can also choose our own weather outlook.Makes you wonder, when people see you coming do they grab their umbrella or sunglasses?

Sharing

Significance: What Creates Happiness

Last fall, I attended a gathering of entrepreneurs, artists, intellectuals, scholars and other movers and shakers from the United States and Canada. The gathering was private if not top secret, and I’m not at liberty to say who was hosting it or who was there. (I attended not because of my own moving or shaking, but through the largesse of a friend who works in national politics.) The attendee list was intriguing in its diversity—a variety consisting not so much of class or race, but of occupation. At each meal, fashion models would break bread with politicos, and Oscar-nominated filmmakers would share coffee with quantum physicists. Multimillionaires would chat with social justice pioneers who live among the extreme poor, and scribblers like me would talk to technologists who are shaping the future of media and business. What held this disparate group together? Two things: Nearly everyone in attendance had achieved some measure of success—often a staggering measure—and each adhered to a common faith. Outsiders looking in would not have seen the gathering as religious in nature—I didn’t see a Bible all weekend or hear much prayer—but if they listened to enough conversations, they would have realized that everyone seemed to have arrived with a certain warning in mind, one delivered by a certain itinerant Middle Eastern prophet 2,000 years ago:What good is it to gain the whole world and lose your soul? That’s what motivated this discreet gathering—the danger of soul forfeiture. All of these high-flying folks had gone out into the world and made stuff—music, films, clothing lines, businesses, ads, schools and in several cases, gobs of money. Most of them weren’t done making stuff, but they were far enough along to realize that unless their stuff served some greater purpose, it was just, well, stuff. As we gathered in groups, I found that the liveliest conversations were the ones filled with practical ideas for serving and saving the world. From ambitious plans to provide clean water to developing nations to homegrown small businesses that encouraged the rich to buy from the poor, these folks were creating world-changing mechanisms. They were determined to spend their lives doing lots and lots of good. Some of them regarded their careers as side projects. I learned that asking, “What do you do?” would ensure robotic responses, while asking, “What do you want to do for the world?” inspired precise, energetic discourse about the significant work being done on behalf of people and places in need.I’d never experienced anything quite like it—a collection of people with enviable careers and incomes who got together to talk about how to avoid achieving everything you want in life only to realize that you have nothing you need. Success Without Soul—that was their primary fear, and the reason they were dreaming up powerful and practical ideas for renewing the world. Success Without Soul is a common condition. An entire tabloid entertainment industry depends on it—from Charlie Sheen to Tiger Woods, Americans are familiar with characters who self-destruct, at least for a season, on the other side of fame and glory. And the problem is not unique to our era. The most notorious court case of the 19th century was the adultery trial of Henry Ward Beecher, a celebrity preacher in New York City who risked everything for a dalliance with a friend’s wife. Americans have always been captivated with the scandals of the successful. But at the gathering I attended last fall, I saw how our culture is rethinking success. We are not questioning the basic pursuit of success—dreaming of a better future will remain a core American instinct—but we are asking anew what success isfor. How can we be successful in ways that do no harm to ourselves or others? How can we make our success matter not just for us and our families, but for the world? Since Steve Jobs, the founder of Apple Inc., died in October 2011, much of the conversation about his legacy has concentrated on how his products reshaped commerce and culture. But commentators have also focused to a surprising degree on the quality of his personal life and character, which were viewed dimly in Walter Isaacson’s authoritative biography published in the wake of Jobs’ death. Jobs authorized the biography in part so his kids could get to know him—Apple’s success had so entirely consumed Jobs’ life that he needed a writer to introduce himself to his children. Eric Karjaluoto, the prominent designer and founder of the digital agency smashLAB, has written that the Jobs biography inspired him to stopworking evenings and weekends: “I admire Steve for the mountains he climbed. At the same time, I wonder if he missed the whole point, becoming the John Henry of our time. He won the race, but at what cost?” (John Henry, in case you don’t know, was a 19th century railroad steel-driver whose strength was legendary. He and his crew broke through miles of rock during construction of American railways. The story has it that when the railroad company introduced a steam-powered hammer, Henry challenged it to a race. He won, but then died on the spot with his hammer in his hand.) People like Karjaluoto are not attempting simply to reduce their workload. They’re trying to avoid Success Without Soul. In recent years, many of the nation’s largest sports radio hosts—Mike Greenberg of ESPN, Jim Rome of Clear Channel—have begun to leave room in their interviews with top athletes for the players to pitch their causes. Legendary quarterback and CBS football analyst Boomer Esiason may take to the airwaves to chat about the NFL season, but he’s also determined to use his clout to encourage fans to support his foundation that fights cystic fibrosis. He wants his success to translate into something significant for the world outside football. Other celebrities and high-wealth individuals are finding ways to make their success soulful away from the limelight. Justin Mayo is the founder of Red Eye Inc., a nonprofit that connects cultural creatives with opportunities to serve others. When most nonprofits look at successful culture makers—actors, musicians, dancers and artists of all kind—they see money and a platform. They see the funds required to make a mission work, and they see a big, popular, public platform they can climb onto to spread their own message.While much good may come from relationships between celebrities and nonprofits, Mayo’s model is different. First, he likes to befriend successful individuals, especially young, up-and-coming creatives, with no motive beyond friendship. If these individuals express a desire to give of their wealth or time, Mayo offers what he calls “private humanitarian settings”—he helps them find ways to give that don’t attract public attention to their giving. Mayo’s clients don’t serve his pet causes, and they aren’t celebrated for their generosity. The giving is an end in itself. That kind of giving, says Mayo, seems to heal these givers—to show them that they have a profound role to play in a world with limitless need. Mayo says he grew up with a sharp sense of how isolating success can be because of his surname—he hails from the Mayos of Mayo Clinic fame. “People who never talked to me would suddenly act as if we were friends when we were at an event where my mom was speaking,” he recalls. People were affectionate toward him because they wanted access to the Mayos, not to Justin. He says that gave him a sliver of insight into what it must be like for people of notoriety, especially successful culture creators and families of influence. Red Eye started in Hollywood but now has chapters in New York City, London, Paris and Sydney. When I spoke with Mayo, he was at John F. Kennedy Airport waiting for a flight to Saudi Arabia, where he would speak at an event hosted by a Saudi Arabian princess. The week before, he had attended a series of meetings in Washington, D.C., followed by 30 hours in Los Angeles—just long enough to host Skid Row Karaoke, a benefit where models, musicians and actors spent part of their weekend with the homeless, and to throw a big Super Bowl party. That combination of events captures the scattershot benevolence at the heart of the Red Eye mission—it requires sleeplessness on the part of Mayo and his team (thus “red eye”), and it combines posh, cozy social events with unusual humanitarian efforts. For Mayo, the key to soulful success is being outwardly focused. He is skeptical of today’s spirituality and self-help practices that focus only on finding inner peace and self-renewal. “We believe that you won’t be truly happy until you’re living for something greater than yourself,” he says. Of course, the threat of soulless success is not unique to the very famous or very young and talented. Brian Lockhart, the founder and chief investment officer at Colorado-based Peak Capital Management, manages financial portfolios for hundreds of high-wealth individuals. He works with people who are beyond what he calls “the accumulation phase” and are looking to protect and grow their wealth. Lockhart says that his clients often run into the same problem: “People who succeed tend to be exceptional at some niche,” he says. “But once they’ve met that challenge and they transition from trying to be the best to defending what they’ve earned, they experience a lot of frustration.” Successful people are often well-built for identifying and embracing a challenge in the marketplace, but less prepared for how to handle life once the challenge has been met. And the crisis they experience is not simply emotional or psychological, but physical. “Early in retirement,” says Lockhart, “many people get diagnosed with problems they’ve never had before. When people are finished with something that gave them significance, we see physiologically a deterioration in health that occurs almost immediately.”Lockhart believes the secret to a healthy retirement is to find significance outside of whatever it is that has made you successful. He cites the example of Thomas Monaghan, founder of Domino’s Pizza. In 1960, Monaghan and his brother, James, bought a tiny pizza joint named DomiNick’s for $500, most of it borrowed. James soon left the business behind, leaving Thomas as the sole owner. Monaghan opened his first franchise in 1967, and over the next decade, experienced rapid growth. The chain had 200 stores in 1978, and soon began to expand into Canada and beyond. By the mid-1990s, Domino’s was a worldwide pizza brand, and Thomas Monaghan was one of the wealthiest men alive. Monaghan eventually sold his company to Bain Capital for $1billion. By then, however, he had long been focused on giving away his fortune. Years earlier, he had lived the life of a self-made king—he owned a Gulfstream, a helicopter and a renowned collection of Frank Lloyd Wright furniture in addition to being principal owner of the Detroit Tigers. In the early 1990s, Monaghan read an essay by C.S. Lewis on the problem of pride and was inspired to give away his possessions. Monaghan has been seen as a polarizing philanthropist because he has spent much of his fortune on conservative Catholic causes, but he has also donated much of his wealth to the poor in Central and South America. In 2010, he joined The Giving Pledge, a charity drive by Bill Gates and Warren Buffett to inspire American billionaires to give away the majority of their wealth. Lockhart sees Monaghan as a model of how to transition from success to significance. “His transition was easy because he found significance in what he was trying to do to help people in Latin America. The key to making that transition is to findsomething,” says Lockhart, that can help you avoid Success Without Soul. So how do you find thatsomething? Just as Monaghan had his conscience pricked by C.S. Lewis and Red Eye’s friends find inspiration in Justin Mayo, you may need to find someone to help you discover your path to significance within success. The private gathering I attended last fall is an event that grew from a group of friends who got together once a year to ask each other hard questions about the purpose of their lives. Your friends, if they know you well, may already know what you need to do. If you don’t have a soul-saving companion close at hand, try some simple experiments—call your local food pantry or soup kitchen and ask what their most pressing need is, or read the daily paper for a couple of weeks with an eye toward local, national and global crises that need your help. And most importantly, listen to yourself. Chances are if you think about it for a few minutes, you’ll find that you already know how to avoid soulless success. You just need to say “yes” to that nudge that’s been inside you all along. With that “yes,” you just may experience the happiness you always knew was on the other side of success. Patton Dodd is the managing editor of Patheos and the author ofThe Tebow Mystique: The Faith and Fans of Football’s Most Polarizing Player.

work

8 Ways to Be Happier at Work

Let’s get the obvious out of the way first: If you love your job, it’s easier to smile as you trot off to work each day. On the flip side, if you describe your job with words like despise, you may want to look for more enjoyable work—something closer to your purpose or passion. No matter where you rank on the work-happiness scale, there are things you can do to be happier at work. Wake up earlier. You are thinking, “Are you kidding me?” Nope. Getting up earlier will allow you some you-time before you herd the kiddos, pack lunches and fight commuter traffic. Take time when the house is quiet. It may require practice to get up earlier, but you will give your mind some breathing space to enjoy the sun coming up, an early walk, a cup of coffee, a good book, or a conversation with your spouse before the day gets going. Do what you dread most, first. Get the dread off your plate by conquering it first. Just knowing there’s a project or task you don’t want to do can bring you down. Go after it first thing, so you no longer have to think about it. Plus, it can fuel your momentum for the day. Don’t dwell on the negative. According to happiness expert, Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want unhappy people are more likely than happy people to dwell on negative events. Dwelling or rumination can drain your mental resources and reinforce unhappiness. Avoid negative people, gossip and drama. Don’t replay negative experiences. Dwell on aspects of work you like. Take charge of your own growth. You are responsible for your professional development. You have lots to gain from expanding your skill set and plenty to lose if you remain stagnant. Invest in yourself. Keep your commitments. Not doing or delivering what you said you were going to do is a huge happiness drain. Whether it’s a tiny promise or a looming work deadline, deliver on your commitments—every single time. Make a work-specific gratitude list. What do you like about your job? Everyone can find something to love. Maybe it’s your short commute, your cubicle-mate, or your benefits package. Look for and capture all the things you love about your job—the act alone of writing a gratitude work list will switch your brain to the positive. Use your strengths. Even if you aren’t living your passion for your paycheck, you can find ways to use your strengths at work. What are your skills and interests? How can you more effectively use them at work? When you use your strengths, you create what psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls “flow”—being fully immersed in your work and focused. Time goes by faster and you feel happier. Go outside at least once a day and if possible, take a walk, says Gretchen Rubin, best-selling author of The Happiness Project. “The sunlight and activity is good for your focus, mood, and retention of information.” Remember, there are about 260 workdays in a year. That’s a lot of days to be dragging your feet to work. Choose to make your work time happier instead.

Silhouette of a couple on the beach at sunset

relationships

Love Language

You've heard the bad news: Almost 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce.But there is good news. Success in marriage, as in the rest of life, has little to do with statistics about what’s going on out there and everything to do with what’s going on in your life and in your home. The reality is it doesn’t matter what the polls report. The determining factors in your marital success are personal.“Even though divorce is prevalent in our culture today, we don’t want to just walk out,” says relationship expert Gary Chapman. “There is a deep, deep bonding unique to the marriage relationship—a physical and emotional bond. And because of that, we want to make it work despite our differences.”In Hope of Happily Ever AfterEvery year, almost 4 million people pledge to love, honor and cherish each other in ceremonies across the United States. “Almost all of these couples anticipate ‘living happily ever after,’ ” Chapman writes in his latest book,Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married.“No one gets married hoping to be miserable or to make their spouse miserable. … People do not get married planning to divorce.”Chapman believes divorce is often the effect of poor planning and lack of understanding about what marriage means. Individuals plan for their careers, families, finances and vacations, but rarely do they have a plan for marriage. Perhaps that’s because they wander into this life-altering arrangement while intoxicated by the effects of what Chapman calls “euphoric love.” You know the feeling: Your stomach does a flip of excitement every time you see your true love, your heart beats wildly when you hold hands, you feel an electric jolt when you kiss. It’s often while in this he/ she-can-do-no-wrong phase that people pledge undying love to one another. The trouble is that the effects of euphoric love are temporary.“The euphoric experience we typically callfalling in lovehas an average lifespan of two years,” Chapman says. When the feeling of euphoria wears off, you suddenly have a little more clarity about the person with whom you’ve committed to spending your life. “Before, you saw them as a perfect person. Now you see them as a real person, a human with strengths and weakness. Most couples are not prepared for that,” he says.First things first. If you’re not yet married, come to grips with the fact that the euphoria won’t last forever…and that’s OK. Enjoy it while it lasts, but realize that something better could be around the corner—if you plan for it. Having spent the past 35 years counseling couples who were blindsided by the realities of housework, conflicting work schedules, debt, parenting and in-laws, Chapman says, “It is my conviction that many of these struggles could have been avoided had the couple taken the time to prepare more thoroughly for marriage.”How, exactly, does one prepare for marriage? It sounds like a no-brainer, but the place to start is in getting to know the other person. Find out what your sweetheart thinks about politics, debt, religion and faith, charitable giving, whether they want children or pets or pizza every Wednesday night for the rest of their lives. What was their childhood like? What does success mean to them? Do they like sports, movies, going out with friends, or staying in and enjoying a quiet evening at home? Talk about your likes and dislikes. Share your thoughts about how the details of housework, financial planning, child-rearing and caring for elderly parents should be handled. And, by the way, if you’re already married and you don’t know the answer to any of the previous questions, there’s no time like the present to learn about your mate. Creating a plan for life together will put you on the right track.What to Do When the Buzz Wears OffMaybe you’re already married and that feeling of euphoria is long gone. You’re in the thick of real life—bills, busy schedules and babysitters. It’s at this point that “for better or for worse” takes on new meaning. Under the effects of the love drug, “for worse” seemed impossible. You might have even ignored admonitions from others who advised you to plan if you want a great marriage. Like a teenager, you felt invincible.We’re in love; what could go wrong?you thought. As it turns out, plenty.But the maladies of marriage aren’t always rooted in major disasters such as terminal illness or bankruptcy. Real life creeps in, and suddenly you and your spouse are bickering about whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher. “Couples find themselves arguing because they do not have a plan to deal with things like that,” Chapman says. The day-to-day pressures of life combined with the fear caused by losing that loving feeling stress couples out. “They say, ‘Oh no! I don’t feel what I used to feel.’ ”Additionally, there’s a tendency to get busy and distracted. “I think often couples who have been married for a number of years, who have children and have careers, begin to realize they’ve drifted apart,” Chapman says. “When you neglect a marriage, you begin drifting, and you never drift together. You always drift apart. If you don’t make an effort to reconnect, you’ll drift further and further apart.” But that doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. On the contrary, Chapman says once you get past the tingles of early love, it’s possible to create a stronger, happier marriage: “If you learn to speak each other’s love language, you can keep the emotional connection alive. And that is far deeper than those temporary, euphoric feelings.”Even better, it’s never too late to rekindle that connection. Chapman says he has worked with a number of couples who finally learned to speak one another’s love language after 20 or 30 years of marriage: “Many couples have told me they realized their marriages weren’t super warm, but they didn’t fight either. They’d say, ‘We were like roommates. But when we started speaking each other’s love languages, it changed our marriage.’ Regardless of your stage of marriage, understanding your spouse’s love language has the potential of greatly enhancing the relationship.”Now You’re Speaking My LanguageIn his best-selling bookThe 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts,Chapman defines love languages as the “five ways people speak and understand emotional love.” Take a look at the abbreviated definitions, and see if you can identify your love language.Words of Affirmation: Words matter. This person treasures hearing, “I love you.” Honest compliments and praise mean a great deal, and insults or harsh words are taken to heart.Quality Time: This person wants your undivided attention. The gift of your time is worth more than any material present you could give.Receiving Gifts:From trinkets and flowers to diamond rings and season tickets, this person feels loved when you present them with a token of your affection.Acts of Service:Doing household chores or helping out in the home office is, to this person, the equivalent of saying, “I adore you.”Physical Touch:A gentle hand on the shoulder, a peck on the cheek, a warm embrace or simply sitting beside this person makes them feel loved.Understanding your spouse’s love language is the first step to connecting. “Seldom do a husband and wife speak the same love language,” Chapman says. “We naturally speak our own love language. But if your love language is different from your spouse’s love language, you’re missing them. You may be sincere, but you’re not really touching their heart.”Once you understand your mate’s love language, start using it. But be warned, you may have some difficulty at first. “If you grew up in a home where affirming words were seldom spoken, it may be hard to speak words of affirmation,” Chapman says. The same principle applies to the language of physical touch if you grew up without a lot of hugs and hand-holding or to the language of receiving gifts if you’re especially frugal. Chapman’s advice: Take baby steps.For example, if your mate’s love language is words of affirmation, start by looking for a few phrases in a magazine or book; listen for kind words spoken by other people. When you’re alone, stand in front of a mirror and say those phrases aloud. “Then you can pick one of the phrases and say it to your spouse when they’re not looking at you … then you can run!” Chapman says with a chuckle.If your spouse’s love language is physical touch, but you’re not a touchy-feely person, start small. If you need to, write down a few potential touches: a hand on the shoulder, a pat on the back, reaching over and putting your hand on their leg while driving. “Pick out one that seems easier for you and do it,” Chapman says. “Over time, you can learn how to touch, even if you didn’t grow up receiving a lot of touch.”The more you practice any of the languages, the more natural they will feel for you. “The good thing is that it’s extremely rewarding, and any of these languages can be learned.”Ideally, both partners will make an effort to speak the other’s love language. But that may not always be the case, such as in times of stress or emotional rifts. Still, it’s important to speak your spouse’s love language even if the favor isn’t returned at the time.“Love is the choice to reach out to the other person no matter how they reciprocate. You may even want to ask your spouse, ‘On a scale of one to 10, how much love do you feel from me?’ Then ask, ‘What can I do to make it a 10?’ Before long they may ask you the same question,” Chapman says. “Love is a way of life. Love is a part of who you are so that when a person encounters you, they’re going to feel love. The reality is many times people may reciprocate, but that is not the objective. The objective is to enhance others’ lives.” Make that your objective with your spouse, and you might just find that you arehappily ever after.

"time to meditate" by BettyNudler, on Flickr

Well-Being

Want Peace of Mind?

Multitasking—it's the small-business owner's Red Bull. Without it, you feel like you'll never get through all you have to do in a day, right? Well, get this: "The newest research shows that multitasking results in greater stress and lower productivity. That means the more you try to get done at once, the less you get done in practice," says David Dillard-Wright, assistant professor of philosophy at the University of South Carolina Aiken and author ofMeditation for Multitaskers. If you're thinking, Research, smesearch. Give me one good reason why I should change the way I work, Dillard-Wright offers this word: "Peace." "I think that we have been conditioned to believe that life must be hectic and unmanageable," he says, "that it's just a dog-eat-dog world and we all have to scramble to survive. That mentality leads to a lower standard of living, measured in quality of life, for everyone." Dillard-Wright says meditation has been shown in a number of peer-reviewed studies to reduce stress and improve health, not to mention focus. And, he says, "far from being impractical or escapist, meditation actually induces a more realistic perception of the world by helping us to see clearly." Meditation can also help youlearn to remain calm in bumper-to-bumper traffic. It changes your thought processes, says Dillard-Wright, "getting to the very basis of problems like depression and anxiety. Oftentimes we think that something must be wrong externally with our lives when the real problem lies in false perceptions." To begin, try sitting still for a few minutes and noticing your breathing. Count the breaths or listen to some soothing music. Don't overcomplicate it. Be quiet, and let that be enough. Stress Less > Get relaxation on the go with these apps for meditation and stress reduction Stress Free With Deepak Chopra—Five relaxing soundtracks, including breathing and sleep programs, guided by the meditation master. $1.99 for iPhone/iPad StressPile—A stress tracker that helps you identify where and when you're most vulnerable to a meltdown so you can start to manage repeat offenders. $0.99 for iPhone/iPad Simply Being—Guided voice meditation for 5-20 minutes, plus music or nature sound options. $0.99 for iPhone/iPad/Android Medication Objections > Think you can't meditate? You're not alone. I'm not crossing my legs like that. "Don't get too focused on having the proper techniques," says David Dillard-Wright, author ofMeditation for Multitaskers. "Meditation should be the simplest, most intuitive part of your life. There are plenty of good meditation teachers, but practice is the best teacher of all. In the beginning, don't be intimidated and just get started. Silence will teach you everything you need to know." I can't sit still that long. "The ability to sit for longer periods of time comes with practice. Everyone has a set point beyond which continuing to sit brings diminished returns. You will know when you have reached that point when you either fall asleep or want to throw something against the wall. Just like in physical exercise, you develop your meditation 'muscles' with repeated use." My mind never shuts up. "You don't have to master your mind in order to meditate, if mastery means beating it into submission. As thoughts arise you simply dismiss them, like pop-up advertisements." I have about five minutes of spare time. "Meditation is as simple as taking a few deep breaths and developing a receptive attitude toward the world. Rather than imposing your will on reality, you simply pay attention to whatever arises in yourself or in the world."

Well-Being

Drs. Oz & Roizen: Make Your Good Mood a Habit

In this month’s column, we respond to your questions about happiness and suggest ways to increase your sense of well-being.- - -Q:When I turn on the television, I often see advertisements for antidepressants, herbs and other treatments that “guarantee” happiness. Isn’t there a straightforward, no-nonsense guide to real joy—one without pills or othertreatments?A:Secret formulas to instant happiness are as hyped as a used-car salesman’s deals, but real happiness comes from having a purpose in life, which is determined by the choices and changes you can make every day. Make the following actions part of your regular routine, because we know that happy people do these things more often than unhappy people.Talk nicely to yourself.Out with the put-downs (Why can’t I do anything right?) and in with encouraging, positive words (Great job!). So give yourself regular pep talks.Get really connected.Swap the Facebooking and other electronic communications for heart-to-heart conversations with people you care about and who care about you. Talk to them in person if you can, or telephone them if you can’t meet face to face.Say thanks.Keep a daily journal to remind you how much you’re grateful for. Review your gratitude journal each day so you remain optimistic and thankful.Get moving.Sitting around brooding perpetuates a cycle of negative thinking. Schedule at least 30 minutes of activity a day to boost happiness.Meditate.The process eases stress, strengthens immunity and increases happiness.Understand unhappiness when it occurs.When things get you down (which they will), learn from them. Hard times help us see what really matters.And most important: Share your passion.It’s great to give to charity or volunteer, but there’s more to the golden rule than meets the eye. Getting involved with a cause that matters to you benefits you as much as others. You don’t have to donate money, just time and passion. You don’t have an obligation to society to find a bigger purpose; you have an obligation to your own health and happiness. And the more you value what you are doing with your mind, the more you’ll do healthier things with your body.- - -Q:I’ve recently been running and often hear about a so-called “runner’s high” that has to do with endorphins. What is this?A:Endorphins are proteins produced by your cells (mostly in your nervous system) that act like narcotics to relieve pain and stress. Aerobic exercise—a workout that makes you sweat in a cold room—increases endorphins. Even a little exercise improves your mood.Endorphins are powerful. Their release can reduce depression more effectively than many antidepressants. And athletes say strenuous endeavors such as a hilly, long-distance run can produce an endorphin high that lasts many hours.Endorphin release may allow you to exercise more, too. Many scientists credit endorphin release for a runner’s experience of what’s often described as a “second wind,” a feeling of peace or almost effortlessmovement.Regular exercise also provides a sense of purpose and accomplishment that is a crucial ingredient to happiness.- - -Q:People say that simply by smiling, someone can be happier. Is that true?A:We all have friends or family who fit the polar ends of personality: the cheerleader types who smile after getting puddle-pummeled by a bus and the negative types who scowl at butterflies. Scientists aren’t sure how or why, but research has shown that smiling lightens a person’s mood (and frowning drags it down).Positive emotions play a crucial role in developing the enduring relationships that are critical for your happiness. One example of this is the shared smile between mother and baby. If you add laughter to that smile, you increase the feel-good effect, reduce stress and pain, relax your body and boost your immune system. If you share your smile by making someone else smile, you’ll pass on the benefits to him or her. - - -Q:Every winter I feel down even though I haven’t been diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder. I know it has to do with the sun, but can you explain it?A:Sunlight and the vitamin D3 it provides both have important effects on mood. Those who are depressed because of seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, feel better when they’re exposed to special ultraviolet lights for the home for 20 minutes a day. Another option that’s been shown to work: Go to sports events or arenas where there are a lot of bright lights because any strong lights can brighten your mood.Also ensure that you’re getting adequate exercise and enough vitamin D3 in supplements (1,000 IU a day) to keep the downside at bay.- - -Q:How does adequate sleep affect a person’s happiness?A:Individuals with insomnia, especially chronic insomnia, are a whopping five times more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety! Sleep is the major stimulant for your own growth hormone, which is superior to what you can get from a vial. Your own growth hormone helps keep your skin taut and vibrant. After all, nobody looks all that beautiful with bags under the eyes. So sleep makes you feel better and look better.We’ve all suffered from sleepless periods, and if you’re not getting adequate sleep for weeks and months on end, it’s time to see a physician. A 2006 Institute of Medicine report estimated that 50 million to 70 million Americans suffer from chronic but treatable sleep disorders. Cognitive behavioral therapy is an effective treatment, and one such program is GO! To Sleepon the Cleveland Clinic Wellness site. The $40 web-based program, designed for at-home use for six weeks, is smartphone-accessible.In the meantime, make your bedroom a no-electronics zone to remove distractions that interfere with sleep. Before bedtime, spend 10 minutes to prep for the next day (making a list or lunch), 10 minutes for hygiene and 10 minutes for meditation. Keep the room cool and dark during sleep hours.Relearning a healthful sleep pattern may take six to eight weeks, but it’s worth the effort. You’ll function better, look much better and be much happier.- - -Q:What are the benefits of a good sex life?A:Sexual intimacy increases the body’s release of oxytocin, a chemical that enhances happiness and pleasure for you and your partner.The benefits don’t stop there, though. Mutually monogamous sex reduces your risk for heart disease, stroke, cancer and even accidents; it makes you look and feel younger; and it dampens pain. Why? Sex and orgasm increase blood flow to your arteries (that’s why your skin plumps in important areas and certain organs get bigger and harder). This increased blood flow provides more oxygen and nutrients to places that need it most, including your brain, which is really your biggest sex organ. Sex rejuvenates hair and skin for the samereason.We’d say that it’s nature’s best, and most fun, way of reducing your RealAge (the age of your body based on your health history and practices) and making you more beautiful (for more about how to measure and improve inner and outer beauty, visit our website YOUBeauty.com).- - -Q:My friend has been eating a dark chocolate bar with chili pepper in it. To me it sounds disgusting, but she says there are health benefits and it lifts her mood. Is this true?A:Yes, spicy foods and chocolate make your RealAge younger, but you don’t have to eat them together—that’s up to your taste buds.First let’s start with dark chocolate. Dark chocolate (it must contain at least 70 percent cocoa)—not milk chocolate—contains natural chemicals that help protect your cells from free radicals that cause inflammation and disease. Dark chocolate also contains agents to lower your blood pressure. A half-ounce a day is the recommended “dosage.”Spicy foods (and chili peppers in particular) activate endorphins, natural painkillers. The result? For some, it’s all watery eyes, a flaming mouth and tingly lips; for others, it’s pure pain relief and happiness. Chili peppers also contain an active ingredient called capsaicin, which can be found in some topical arthritis creams and is beneficial in relieving joint pain in osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis.Our recommendation is that you eat a half-ounce of 70 percent or greater dark chocolate each day and enjoy spicy food if you can handle it.

Reading

Library—Profit from the Positive

Profit from the Positive: Proven Leadership Strategies to Boost Productivity and Transform Your BusinessAugust 2013, McGraw-Hill EducationMargaret Greenberg and Senia Maymin set out to write a guidebook that would help people use the research findings of positive psychology. The tools they describe “don’t cost anything, and you don’t need anybody’s permission to implement them,” Margaret says.Here’s why these authors are uniquely qualified to share positivity tools: They met while earning their Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) degrees at the University of Pennsylvania, and both are successful business coaches. “Every one of these tools is backed up by science,” Margaret says. Senia says people tell them, “These are really small things to implement—as soon as I’ve tried them, I can see the results.”The book is tightly organized into three parts and nine chapters. Numbered points make the chapters easy to follow. Margaret and Senia hope you take it along on an airplane ride and land ready to make changes.While the book promises to transform your business, the positive principles are tools anyone can use. Procrastinators will find the advice in “Trick Yourself into Getting Started” especially helpful—these tips help you get off dead center. For example, while they were collaborating on the book, Margaret made it a practice to write Senia an email about her progress. In her email, Margaret described as completed things she hadn’t finished, but she found it helped her begin working. (That’s tool No. 2.)Replace “bosses” with “parents,” and you have practical advice for family life. Margaret and Senia encourage a focus on the positive and an emphasis on recognizing strengths over criticizing shortfalls.The discussion guide at the back of the book, the website profitfromthepositive.com and a Facebook page encourage discussion. Senia says, “The learner mindset—the mindset of not being an expert and constantly learning—that’s something Margaret and I wear as a hat, and we really encourage.”These days, Margaret and Senia are taking their knowledge on the road. “Writing the book and researching it is the first phase,” Margaret says. “But now really getting it accessible and mainstreamed and in the hands of people, that’s the whole next phase.”