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Younger woman holding older woman's hands.

Start a Ripple of Kindness in Your Community

This past week, I was checking out at the grocery store with my three daughters. I was in “go mode,” as in let’s-check-out-as-fast-as-possible-and-go because my 4-year-old was starting to lose it. While I was juggling the cart, shopping bags and my wallet, my 7-year-old tugged my sleeve and pointed to a basket full of golden Cadbury Eggs (strategically placed at child height). “Look mommy, the sign says they are free!” A quick glance assured me that they were most definitely not free. “No, sweetie,” I replied hastily, “The sign says buy one, get one free.” She paused and then reasoned, “So, that means you can get two!” I am well practiced at turning down my kids’ entreaties for candy, so I off-handedly quipped that “maybe the Easter bunny would bring them a Cadbury Egg.” I should have known that that would only lead to more questions about how much longer it was until Easter…and then of course, more tears. Candy from a stranger As we zoomed out of the grocery store, I heard a woman’s voice calling from behind me. “Ma’am!” I turned around and saw the woman and her daughter who had been standing behind us in line rushing toward us. “For your girls,” the mother said breathlessly, extending out to me a giant chocolate bar. And just as quickly as they appeared, they were gone. Shocked, I paused for a moment in the parking lot, contemplating what had just happened. Someone had gone out of her way to bring my children an unexpected sliver of happiness! Humbled and overwhelmed, I got into my car and shared the story with my kids, whose faces of course broke into huge smiles when they saw the chocolate bar. Immediately, they began asking if we could buy chocolate bars for other people, too. This woman’s random act of kindness probably cost one dollar and took less than one minute to complete, but her actions left a deep impression on my family. Kindness begets more kindness I often talk about the science behind conscious acts of kindness through my work at GoodThink (a positive psychology consulting firm), but I found it was a powerful experience to be on the receiving end of kindness and in the position to carry that ripple effect forward. Over the past year, I spent quite a bit of time reading source material for my upcoming book,The Future of Happiness, and I became fascinated with the mechanism behind what makes an individual take action on an idea. It turns out that in almost every case, a person or a specific event functions as a catalyst for decision making, which means that if we see our actions as catalytic events for the positive, we can harness incredible energy and power to impact the world for the better. In fact, simply observing an act of kindness can set a cascade of generosity into motion and make others significantly more willing to try acts of kindness themselves. In a famous experiment from 1966, researchers studied whether or not other drivers would stop to lend a hand to a “lady in distress” with a flat tire. Half of the drivers passing by had seen a staged setting with a young male helping a girl just beforehand, while the other half of the drivers had not. The study found that the presence of a positive model significantly increased the altruistic behaviors of other drivers, creating a catalytic event that rippled positivity beyond the bounds of the experiment and unconsciously shaped behavior in a powerful way. A daisy chain of giving When a customer at the drive-through window of a Tim Hortons coffee shop decided to pick up the tab for the stranger in the car behind her, the customer, surprised and delighted, decided to pay for the following customer as well, resulting in a 226-customer streak of generosity over the next three hours. This phenomenon was repeated in 2014 when a Starbucks customer’s act of kindness resulted in a 378-customer streak over 11 hours. In each of these cases, a single act of altruism created a powerful ripple effect that extended far beyond the people in line—these stories became an internet sensation and a catalyst for other random acts of kindness in communities across the globe. What kind of ripple effect can you start in your community? Next month, you can help Live Happy celebrate the fourth annual International Day of Happiness by participating in #HappyActs, and doing various kindnesses for friends and strangers during the month of March. Go to HappyActs.org to sign up for daily texts, podcasts, videos and articles to prompt your altruism. Maybe you can organize a neighborhood cleanup effort, deliver flowers to a neighbor, or just hold the door for a stranger. The beauty of #HappyActs is that you do not have to have a lot of time or money or status or even connections—you just have to have a willingness to make someone’s day just a bit brighter and the follow-through to accomplish it. If you need more stories or ideas to help get your creative juices flowing, check out the Nobly app (available for iPhone and Android). Or if you are looking for a daily inspiration, check out Deedtags, an app that challenges users to complete simple daily missions. Tweet your #HappyActs @LiveHappy and they will appear on our tagboard! Amy Blankson, aka the ‘Happy Tech Girl,’ is on a quest to find strategies to help individuals balance productivity and well-being in the digital era. Amy, with her brother Shawn Achor, co-founded GoodThink, which brings the principles of positive psychology to lifeand works with organizations such as Google, NASA and the US Army. Her upcoming book is called The Future of Happiness: 5 Modern Strategies for Balancing Productivity and Well-being in the Digital Era (April 2017).

Self-Care

10 Tips for a Happy Friday

Ahhhh, Fridays. The gateway to good times. The fast track to fun. But Fridays are still a workday: You want to be productive, feel good about your accomplishments, and be proud of your work before you close the office door behind you and head out for the weekend (assuming you are lucky enough to leave work behind on Saturdays and Sundays). Sometimes we are so eager to reach the weekend that every hour of Friday seems to pass with a tick-tock of slow torture. We've come up with 10 hacks to make the most of your Friday. Make it productive and fun; collaborative and a little bit relaxing. Leave us your own tips for a happy Friday in the "Comments" section below. 1. Don’t skip breakfast Eat a healthy meal and follow these 7 other science-backed tips for a happy morning 2. Dress for success Wear your happy socks. 3. Listen to music Put on your favorite happy playlist or comedy podcast on the way into work to prime yourself for happiness. 4. Get the tough stuff done first Tackle your thorniest projects early in the day to get them out of the way. Done and done! 5. Get moving Go to the gym at lunch or take a walk with your office buddies. Moving our bodies makes us happier. 6. Send a thank-you email to a colleague It won’t just make the recipient feel better—it will make you feel better, too. 7. Daydream Spend a few minutes thinking about all the fun things you’re going to do over the weekend. (Research shows that just anticipating fun or a trip is almost as good as having fun. Your brain can hardly tell the difference!) 8. Take a breather Take a short meditation break with your co-workers. It’s a great team-building exercise, a break from work and a relaxation practice all in one. If you'd prefer to do something at your desk, here are some free guided meditations from the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center. 9. Clear off your desk A clean desk can help you think in a more organized way as well, some experts say. When you come in on Monday morning, everything will be sparkling and fresh, just waiting for you to get to work. 10. Start Happy Hour early! Emily Wise Miller is the web editor for LiveHappy.com.

relationships

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

Although the movies would have us believe otherwise, a long, happy marriage isn’t a matter of simply finding the right person. Lasting love requires commitment and developing healthy habits that can sustain through both good and bad times. It’s not just about romance; as it turns out, there’s actually a science to making love last. James O. Pawelski, Ph.D., and Suzann Pileggi Pawelski are more than just positive psychology experts; they are a married couple who looks at relationships through the lens of positive psychology. Their new book, Happy Together: Using the Science of Positive Psychology to Build Love That Lasts, shares their insight along with innovative strategies for building stronger, healthier unions. LIVE HAPPY: Many books explain how to achieve greater happiness; what made you want to write about the topic of happiness specifically as it relates to couples? JAMES & SUZANN: Although there were many excellent research studies demonstrating the potential to help couples, no one had put them together into an easily accessible format or book. There was a lot of interest on the topic, but not much out there in the popular media. We saw writing the book together as a shared project we could undertake to help develop and strengthen our own marriage while simultaneously providing a resource that could help other couples, as well. LH: What’s the biggest misconception people have about happiness and relationships? J&S: That “happily ever after” just happens. That’s not the case, except in fairy tales and films. LH: How does your book help change that perception? J&S: It demonstrates, through scientific research and real-life examples, that healthy habits are what build happiness over the long haul. Becoming happy together is an ongoing process comprised of sustained effort and conscious cultivation of healthy habits. LH: Were there any new things that you learned about your relationship through the process of writing this book together? J&S: That our unique strengths that initially attracted us to one another and helped build our bond are also the strengths that, when not understood and respected in one another, can cause pain and misunderstanding. LH: Aspects of each of you shine through in this book—and really serve as a great illustration of how you apply the give and take in a relationship. How did you work through any challenges that arose from developing/writing this book? J&S: We practiced mindfulness meditation. At times when we needed a breather, that’s what we literally did. We took a break and some deep breaths. We were then able to return to the task at hand and work together better. LH: Although it’s about happiness as a couple, this book also is a great introduction to positive psychology for those who haven’t yet experienced it. How do you think people can use these relationship lessons in other areas of their lives? J&S: We feel that the interaction model of strengths that we developed—an approach that focuses on not just how we express love, gratitude and kindness, for example, but also how we respond to them—are important for all relationships. This approach can be used and practiced in our daily interactions, not just with our spouses and romantic partners but also with family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. LH: What’s the No. 1 thing you hope readers take away from your book? J&S: Building love that lasts takes effort. It doesn’t just happen. And that effort needs to be well directed. A good way to direct that effort is to find and feed the good in yourself and your partner, rather than focusing on problems and what’s wrong in the relationship. And scientific research in positive psychology gives specific, effective ways of finding and feeding the good. Read more: Love and Happiness and The Power of Passion Listen to our podcast: How to Build Love That Lasts With Suzann Pawelski and James Pawelski Paula Felpsis the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.

Podcast Science

Mindfulness is Pure Awareness with Jon Kabat-Zinn

Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. is internationally known for his work as a scientist, writer, and meditation teacher engaged in bringing mindfulness into the mainstream of medicine and society. He is Professor of Medicine emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, where he founded its world-renowned Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Clinic (in 1979), and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society (in 1995). What you'll learn in this podcast: How to live life with intent The minimum amount you should spend being mindful or meditating How to create a love affair with your own life Links and resources mentioned in this episode: Learn more about mindfulness meditation practices

Self-Care

Let Your Workout Lift Your Life

Staci Ardison of Austin, Texas, believed she’d be happy if she lost weight. She went on a diet and started doing cardio; she lost the weight, but didn’t find the happiness she expected. At a friend’s suggestion, she tried powerlifting, a form of competitive weightlifting. Progressing from deadlifting 135 pounds to 315 pounds and also adding 50 pounds to both her overhead press and bench press in six months did more than lift her spirits. “You pick up a bar and nothing else really matters because it’s so empowering,” Staci says. “Knowing what my body was capable of made me very happy and excited.” Staci discovered that powerlifting’s progressive nature (each week, more weight is added) and team atmosphere made her more confident about speaking her mind and more at ease meeting new people. “It takes time, but as you start lifting more [weight] and realizing who you are and what you’re capable of, what other people think doesn’t matter as much anymore,” Staci says. She found herself moving past the crippling shyness she’d experienced since childhood, easily making friends after recent moves. “Before I started [powerlifting], I would have never talked to anyone, anywhere,” she says. As Staci learned, a departure from your routine can have profound effects on your body, mindset and spirit—and this is especially true when it comes to fitness. If you want to feel happier, more confident and strong-minded, sometimes it’s best to put down the self-help books, postpone the therapy appointment and hit the gym instead. Workouts that push your limits can challenge you mentally and stretch your boundaries. “It’s going to be a little uncomfortable at times,” explains Ariane Machin, Ph.D., clinical and sports psychologist and co-founder of the Conscious Coaching Collective, an agency focused on programs to help clients embrace their power and find their inner voices. “Your muscles will be burning, you’ll be breathing faster than you would like, [and you’ll be facing] the psychological barrier of, ‘Can I actually do this?’ ” According to Ariane, you should embrace that unpleasant feeling because it’s a positive sign of change. These levels of discomfort can also be an asset: As your fight-or-flight system becomes engaged, your heart rate goes up, blood circulates, more oxygen is supplied to the brain and you are primed for better performance. Building a base As Staci’s example shows us, toughing it out during exercise can also help you find your footing outside the gym. Studies show that exercise helps with confidence, mood, happiness and stress resilience. Using data from 15 European countries and more than 10,000 respondents, a 2015 study published in the open access journal BMC Public Health determined that more exercise was associated with greater happiness. Another 2015 study from the University of Turku in Finland found that young men and working adults with good physical fitness felt more active, energetic, capable and confident in their daily tasks, and experienced less stress. The gradual process Staci used to gain muscle demonstrates exactly how strength should be built. According to Daniel Rockers, Ph.D., a Sacramento-based clinical health psychologist, building strength—whether while working out or in life—requires getting out of your comfort zone. Gradually and progressively pushing yourself out of that zone, he says, can get you used to overcoming stress, instead of being overwhelmed by it. Practicing a sport or exercise where you’re consistently pushing the envelope makes you more resilient to stressors in other areas of life, as both exercise and dealing with stress both involve periods of work and rest. Happy hormones are also created during exercise, whether it’s moderate or intense. Janet Schrager, Ph.D., says that endorphins produced through movement cause an exercise-induced mood boost, often called runner’s high, will make you feel more positive. For maximum benefit, Janet recommends aiming to work out at least 30 minutes, five times per week. She often prescribes aerobic activities—the best type of exercise for promoting endorphin-releasing oxygen—such as swimming, running or biking. “I always recommend movement and exercise as a critical component for well-being and positivity,” Janet says. Research exploring the connection between exercise and positivity found that taking a brisk 35-minute walk five times a week subdued symptoms of mild depression, and the mood-boosting impact of exercise appears to last longer than taking antidepressants, according to a study referenced in Harvard Health Publications. Working out also improves focus, increases cognition and boosts creative insight, Janet adds. Discover new ways of thinking Two months ago, online pet insurance entrepreneur Nick Braun felt his business and personal life were in a rut. He decided to shake up his solo exercise routine by taking group classes. Plunging himself into an unfamiliar environment with new-to-him exercises that he enjoyed revitalized his personal life. “[The classes] really reinvigorated me physically and mentally with my business,” Nick says. He started making creative adjustments to his business such as modifying his website design and opening an Instagram account. Nick’s experience reflects scientific findings: In 2016, research published in Scientific Reports found that one aerobic exercise session significantly enhanced both visual and muscle learning in study subjects. What’s more: This effect can last more than 30 minutes post-exercise, leading researchers to believe that exercise of moderate intensity may improve the brain’s plasticity (the ability of the brain to change). Another 2014 study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology performed experiments showing that walking boosted performance on a creativity test. Nick definitely found this to be true. He discovered that attending classes—a blend of butt-kicking strength training, cardio and stretching—in a female-dominated environment sparked ideas on how to market to his business’ similarly female-saturated market. Observing how the female owners marketed their club—from the way they designed their logo to the colors and layout of their studio—helped him understand he had been approaching marketing his business from a purely analytical perspective. He shifted his approach by hiring copywriters and other creative experts to help him achieve his newly inspired creative vision. Outside-the-box fitness New York health coach Samantha Elkrief also experienced a change in outlook from hitting the gym. Samantha always thought of herself as skinny and frail; she was convinced she would never be considered a strong woman. In fact, she was so afraid she’d fail at building strength that she never even tried. But, after being diagnosed with endometriosis in 2014 and learning that exercise could help counteract the condition, she joined a gym, hired a personal trainer and started strength training. When her trainer suggested box jumping—a muscle-building activity that requires squatting, lifting both feet off the ground in one explosive movement and landing on top of a box, she was terrified. “Trusting my body to take both feet off the ground at the same time and jump on this crazy box had me freaking out,” she recalls. But Samantha made it onto the box that day, and eventually, she was box jumping up to 20 inches. That exercise was just one of the confidence-building movements Samantha learned while working out. “I used to think that I couldn’t get good at something I wasn’t inherently good at. But the gym flipped that around for me,” she says. A confidence boost Samantha’s confidence followed her outside of the gym: She took up new hobbies, regardless of whether she thought she’d excel at them, including food photography and painting classes. At work, she fostered new business alliances and began submitting articles to publications. “Pushing myself at the gym gave me so much more confidence,” she says. “In life, you don’t often get 10 opportunities to push yourself out of your comfort zone in an hour. At the gym, you do. And it retrains your brain.” Whether you’re building strength and confidence like Staci and Samantha, or making changes in life and business like Nick, it’s best to start small and work your way up. According to Pax Tandon, Ph.D., a Philadelphia-based positive psychology expert, you can take your first small step by changing the way you breathe. Breathing mindfully will help combat the fear and anxiety that may stop you from getting to your workout. Don't forget to breathe To begin, try this breathing exercise: Count four seconds to inhale, hold for four counts, then exhale for six counts. As you inhale, concentrate on breathing in positives like optimism, calm and positivity; as you hold, clear your mind and breathe out negative emotions like stress and anger. Practice this cycle for one minute a day to start. Then, increase the minutes you practice as you get more comfortable. Eventually, muscle memory takes over and you will begin to naturally breathe mindfully. This process will bring calming oxygen to your brain and inspire a trend: Your breathing will help you make it to your workouts and your workouts will help you develop your breathing even more, which will help you tackle further ventures outside your comfort zone. “[Without breathing mindfully] we end up in states of panic or fear. The breath gets very shallow and short, which works against us,” Pax says. Another positive step, Ariane points out, is that changing damaging thought patterns may help you push your limits. One pattern that may need to be countered is comparison syndrome—bringing yourself down by comparing yourself with others. Ariane advises that you remember everyone’s process and strengths are different. You can oust the comparative mindset with gratitude and self-appreciation by performing daily gratitude lists and viewing your weaknesses as strengths. Instead of thinking “I wish my body were different,” try “I appreciate what my body does for me.” For Samantha, who sometimes deals with comparison syndrome in yoga class or on Facebook, staying focused on her own accomplishments—and deleting the Facebook app from her phone to minimize her feelings of FOMO (fear of missing out)—helps the 33-year-old entrepreneur sidestep these comparison traps. But despite the challenges you may encounter along the way, taking yourself out of your comfort zone is certainly worthwhile. “It makes you a different person,” Samantha says. Carimé Lane is a Vancouver-based freelance writer. Several years ago she found the sport of boxing, which never fails to push her outside her comfort zone.

Cute couple with hearts over their eyes.

relationships

6 Relationship Resolutions for Valentines Day

After New Year's and all through January we get that itch to practice better self-care, become healthier and focus on positive changes we can make in the year ahead. By February most of us have lost our New Year’s mojo. But wait! Here comes Valentine's Day, filling every grocery store with red hearts and symbols of love. Why not use this loving reminder to trigger actions that fall under the category of “relationship care?” Many of us get so wrapped up in the details and stresses of our daily lives that we do not take time out to truly focus our time and energy on our intimate relationships. It does not matter if you believe in the calendar holiday of Valentine's Day, or if you and your partner even trade gifts or cards. The important thing is to take time out to put some emotional and romantic focus on your relationship by stopping to create some relationship resolutions. 1. Have fun together Do you ever find yourself wrapped up in the logistics and monotony of life to the point that you are too busy to have fun? Are fun experiences few and far between in your relationship these days? It doesn’t matter if it’s just the two of you, the entire family or a large group, finding time to laugh and be joyful together is important in every intimate relationship. Take time out to explore ideas that will infuse some happiness into your relationship. Start up a new hobby or activity together, or go back to doing something fun that the two of you have not done together in years. If you don’t have the time or money for a vacation, have a snowball fight, tickle each other until you laugh so hard it hurts or take part in a new adventure. Try that new Moroccan restaurant where you sit on the floor. Go bowling! Read more: 4 Ways to Reignite the Spark and Reconnect With Your Partner 2. Use technology to connect instead of disconnect We are all distracted by and sometimes addicted to our phones, computers and social media. We get so drawn into technology that it pulls us out of the present, where we could be interacting with the people we love. Instead of using your devices to disconnect, use them to connect. Do you find yourself on your phone when you are at dinner with your mate or next to one another in bed? Are you more likely to read a story on Facebook than to tell your partner something that happened that day? Are there moments when you are both sitting on the couch staring at your devices instead of looking into each other’s eyes? Instead, pick up your phone and send your partner a romantic text message. Text him or her a photo from the past of the two of you enjoying yourselves. Post a gushing shout-out on Facebook for the world to see how much you appreciate the amazing dinner he or she cooked, or for the fact that your lawn is always mowed or that you are married to someone who's a terrific parent. 3. Put quality time on the schedule It is very easy for us to get caught up in your jobs, household chores, children, etc. Often it’s your primary relationship that takes the hit in all this overwhelm. Do you ever find yourself so busy after dinner that you fall into bed without even having a conversation? Have you realized that the two of you have not talked about how much you love or adore one another in a long time? While these things can be common in relationships, they do not allow for the type of quality time that couples need to feel truly connected. Plan a weekly or monthly date night for the two of you. Schedule an annual or biannual getaway or stay-cation (where the kids leave and you stay home) so you can have an extended period of time together - alone. 4. Evaluate, adjust and improve When you build a business, you stop frequently to evaluate progress and makes changes accordingly. Relationships work in very much the same way. It is important to take stock of how your relationship is doing. Are you happy with the level of intimacy and time spent together? Do you feel like you handle conflict efficiently? Are you managing your finances as a couple in a way that is working for you? Make a resolution to assess these things and more, make adjustments and improvements as needed. Learn from your past, so you can make your future better. Read more: 10 Ways to Turn Around an Argument So Both Sides Win 5. Resolve to watch your tone and language We should be making the greatest effort to be kind and loving to our intimate partners, and yet for a variety of reasons, they often get the business end of our abuse, contempt or anger. Do you find yourself asking your partner to help you with something without saying please or thank you? Do you have a tendency to raise your voice when a kinder, softer tone could be better? Do you verbally express how much you love and appreciate your partner more often than not? Make a commitment to yourself and your partner to be mindful of how you speak and what you say, and make a greater effort to have the majority of what comes out of your mouth be kinder and more loving. Spend more time saying things like “I am so lucky to have you” and “You are the best!” instead of things like “It’s so annoying when you leave your towel on the bathroom floor” or “Move over, you are hogging the bed.” Walk in with a smile, or laugh off what might be a slightly irritating situation instead of rolling your eyes or mumbling under your breath. 6. Make an effort to focus on the little things While everyone loves a grand gesture of love and adoration, most couples I talk to are grateful if some of the little things are attended to in the relationship. Does your partner like a back rub? Wish you would wash the dishes as soon as you use them? Want you to send a text message to check in at some point in the day? Ask yourself if you have taken the time out to truly listen to some of the smaller things that your partner desires. While big issues can create conflict and distance in relationships, often a big list of little problems can do just as much damage. Show your partner that he or she is important by making an effort to listen and respond to some of the smaller things that may take less time and energy but will send a big message of love. We all know that most New Year’s resolutions fizzle out because people overreach. They want to lose 30 pounds or overhaul their career all at once. Relationship resolutions are not all-or-nothing propositions. Pick the ones you think you can achieve; have fun with them; resolve to try harder, do better and be closer. Invest time and energy into your partnership and you will be rewarded 10-fold. Read more: 8 Ways to Make Every Day Valentine's Day Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

Practice

Try Qi Gong to Discover Your Peaceful Center

When it comes to mindfulness practices, Western civilization has borrowed extensively from Eastern culture. That’s particularly true with qi gong (pronounced chē-ˈgu̇ŋ), an ancient Chinese meditation practice that, like tai chi, combines movement and breathing to cultivate your flow of energy, or qi. Qi = energy; gong = skill According to Brent Bauer, M.D., of the Mayo Clinic, although qi gong is similar to tai chi, it is easier to learn because the movements are so slow and repetitive. A study from the University of Minnesota and the Mayo Clinic found this mindful energy-based practice may reduce chronic pain as well as the side effects from cancer treatments. Other studies have linked it to improved sleep, a better attitude and increased balance and flexibility. Take a breath Breathing is the building block of all qi gong practices. With this conscious breathing, your belly (not your chest) should rise and fall as you inhale and exhale. Start by standing with your feet shoulder-width apart, your heels on the ground but your weight on the balls of your feet. Place your hands on your abdomen, just below the belly button and breathe in, expanding your abdomen. Feel how your hands are pushed outward as your belly expands, and how, as you breathe out and your abdomen relaxes, it contracts inward. Breathe in and out through your nose in slow, natural breaths, without forcing it. You’ll immediately feel more relaxed; many practitioners recommend doing this standing conscious breathing for 15 minutes every day. Have a ball From this standing position, you can add a movement called Charging the Energy Ball. Continue breathing deeply as you raise your hands in front of you, shoulder-width apart, palms facing in, as if you’re holding a beach ball filled with energy. Keeping your hands waist-high, push your arms apart as you exhale, then inhale and bring them back together to “hold” your ball of energy. Repeat, breathing in and out to a count of three, and pay attention to how your hands feel; the movement builds qi in the palms and arms, but also creates a relaxing flow of energy throughout the entire body. Read more: What Happens When You Combine Meditation and Exercise? Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.

Self-Care

Keep the Change

Linda Allen was 9 years old when she decided she wanted to join the baseball team. Unfazed by the fact that no girl had ever been allowed on the all-boy team, she asked the coach what skills she’d need, then set an ambitious goal. After two months of practicing and focusing solely on her goal, she tried out. Not only did Linda become the first girl ever to make the team, but she snagged the coveted second baseman spot just as she’d envisioned. “My parents instilled it in me to set my goals high, work hard and never settle for less,” says Linda, now a successful insurance agent in Fort Worth, Texas. “Even then, I knew if I walked onto the field with no preparation, I would have failed.” That valuable lesson set the stage for Linda’s future. She has seen goal setting work in both her personal and professional life, and also raised her sons to use goal setting in everything from academics to their careers. “It’s not rocket science,” she says. “You create a system that works for you and then own it and use it.” Set realistic goals As a new year begins and many people make all-or-nothing resolutions (lose 20 pounds!) in hopes of creating change in their lives, experts instead encourage us to set goals with a clear plan. For example, create a weekly exercise plan and stick to it; and start cooking at least four meals a week at home. The numbers back up the experts; while just 8 percent of resolutions are successfully kept, people who set goals show a success rate of 90 percent. “Even if the goal doesn’t happen the way you wanted, by using the planning and execution, you know you have given it your best,” Linda says. “So you don’t feel like a failure, you readjust and win with the best outcome possible for you.” Understand the "Why" of goal-setting Knowing what drives us to set goals, and why they’re important, may affect how we structure our goal-setting process. “The thing that encourages us to set goals is that we see some gap in our lives,” explains Jan Stanley, who has a master’s of applied positive psychology from University of Pennsylvania and has helped organizations and Fortune 500 companies develop goal-setting strategies. The first key, she says, is to make sure our goals and values align. “We all have things we hold dear, whether it’s our family, saving the planet or just wanting to get more out of life,” Jan explains. Examining what’s important to you personally, and then using those values-based intentions to create goals, builds the foundation for successfully setting attainable targets. When Linda makes a goal, she defines it, writes down the steps needed to reach it and then prioritizes those steps so she can make them part of her daily actions. According to Jan, that method is exactly what it takes to make our goals more accessible. Make it part of a routine “One of the things that is so powerful about implementing actionable steps into our routine is that we know what we’re going to do today,” Jan says. “Now we’re no longer wondering what we should or could do; we know what we need to do today to reach that long-term goal.” Much-cited research from Edwin A. Locke, Ph.D., a pioneer in goal-setting theory, shows that the more specific the goal, the better the individuals trying to reach that target will do. As you work toward your goal, several things happen in your brain that propel you toward success. Each day you follow that routine, you reinforce it as a habit and gain momentum. And, when you accomplish your daily objective, your dopamine system—the neurotransmitter that doles out rewards—creates a feeling of pleasure and satisfaction, which is important to keep your brain’s motivation and incentive high. That’s important to keep us going, Jan says. “We have these lofty goals of what we want to accomplish, but there’s so much work to do and so many off-ramps that can divert our attention,” she explains. “If we have a way for our brains to experience rewards throughout the process, we’re more likely to keep with it.” Think of scaling Mount Everest: It’s not going to happen in a day, so it’s the day-to-day progress that keeps you motivated. Setting yourself up for success As much as we’ve been taught to dial in to our willpower, it may be our brainpower that proves to be the stronger ally when it comes to setting and achieving goals. Learning to use creative techniques, like visualization, can help prime your brain for accomplishing that goal. “When we envision something happening, our brain treats it as something we’ve already done,” Jan explains. “That’s why psychologists work with athletes to envision themselves doing things like breaking through the tape first. Our brains can’t tell the difference between when you’re visualizing it and when you’re actually doing it.” You can reinforce that visualization by writing about it. The Best Possible Future Self writing exercise, developed by Laura King, Ph.D., of the University of Missouri, Columbia, has become a popular practice for achieving goals. Its effectiveness lies in connecting your sense of accomplishment with a clear-cut vision of what the future looks like, Jan says. In this exercise, participants write in vivid detail what their lives will look like when that goal is achieved. They describe how they feel and what they’re doing. The writing becomes a sort of road map for the future and makes it easier to detfine what steps should be taken and can help establish priorities. In other words, it becomes an outline for your own personal success. “Most of us really want to make a contribution with our lives,” Jan notes. “Can we be happy without ever setting goals? Maybe. But when you’re looking at making a contribution and finding meaning in your life, goals help clarify that contribution, and outline the steps we need to take to make it happen.” Listen to our podcast, How to Make Better Resolutions With Jan Stanley, here. Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy.

Self-Care

4 Tips to Raise High-Achieving Kids

When I was a new mom, I met a couple I’ll call the Jacksons whose primary goal was to raise their children to become achievement-oriented adults. While this is a common wish for parents, the Jacksons had a fairly extreme way of going about it. When their son was less than a year old, the Jacksons initiated a family policy that no one was to give him anything; if he wanted something, he had to learn to get it for himself. The Jacksons truly believed that if their child had just the bare minimum (of food, clothing, etc.) and was always in need, he would be motivated to find a way to get whatever he wanted on his own—setting him on the path to eventual success. In contrast, many “helicopter parents” harbor the same dreams for their children and yet lean toward the opposite extreme by hovering—offering too much guidance and praise. My experience has been that both of these parenting styles ultimately may do a disservice to children and impede their confidence and success. As a therapist, I suggest a middle-ground approach to parenting that yields the best outcomes for children in terms of success, psychological well-being and self-confidence. Albert Bandura, a psychologist and expert in cognitive development, developed the concept of “self-efficacy”—the way people view themselves as capable and productive makes a tremendous difference in their success. The best way for parents to help children accomplish this is by providing appropriate guidance, support and praise, while allowing for experimentation and even failure. The following key elements are essential for raising children to become motivated, successful and goal-oriented adults. Read more: Which Kind of Goal-Setter Are You? 1. Help kids build confidence in themselves Believing in yourself builds confidence, improves self-esteem and makes both children and adults take more risks, feel more motivated and work harder. If you want to teach your children to feel confident in who they are and their achievements, help them learn their strengths, tell them you believe in their abilities and point out both past and present successes. It may sound simple, but past achievements DO build future successes. Example: Your child is starting a new class, activity or sport. Let her know that it is normal to be worried about something new, but also that she has certain skills that she can use to apply to this new situation. Be specific about what those skills are and give examples of when she has used those skills successfully. 2. Help them understand the "Why" I have heard so many parents utter the following overused phrases: “because I said so,” “you have to do that because it’s your homework assignment” or “the coach/teacher/tutor/school said so.” While each of these statements may be true, they do not explain the reasons or benefits of doing that task. Homework builds skills, allows for practice and teaches concepts outside of the classroom. Our children need to understand these reasons, not simply that they have a duty. Example: Your child says, “I don’t like to read. I think it is boring and I am not good at it.” You respond that it’s OK, not everyone likes reading, but reading is important. You make it clear that as he grows older there will be lots of things he will need to read and understand, and the only way to do that is to practice. Read more: Making Motivation Work 3. Teach kids to look inward for competition and achievement Goal-oriented children learn that trying to do better than they did yesterday and the day before is much more important than trying to be equal to or greater than someone else. Each of us has a unique set of skills and abilities, and we need to focus on honing them so that we can maximize our own growth. During the recent Olympics in Rio, it was clear that swimmer Michael Phelps’ disappointment in his London performance in 2012 was a stronger motivation to excel than any rivalry. Example: Your child says, “Johnny is better than I am at math” or “Alexandra runs so much faster than I do.” The response should be something like the following: “Johnny and Alexandra will be better at some things than you are, and you will be better at other things than they are; we do not need to compare. Instead, let’s talk about how much faster you are than you were in second grade and figure out how we can help you get faster before next year.” 4. Help kids set reasonable goals and make plans to accomplish them Goal setting starts at an early age. It begins when kids learn to do homework before watching TV, or how to clean their rooms and make their beds in an efficient and effective way. As parents, we need to teach our kids what types of goals are reasonable and then help them strategize a way to get them accomplished. Example: Your child has a big project due in two weeks. You sit down with her to discuss how long it will take, what days she will work on it and the best way to get it done well. Then follow up with her to make sure she is keeping on schedule. If we as parents can provide support and guidance while giving kids the stepping stones to develop their own confidence and self-esteem—and let them learn their own lessons through experience—they will be well on their way to success. Read more: Are You Making This Common Parenting Mistake? Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

Positive Psychology

Which Kind of Goal Setter Are You?

I love that the beginning of the year is a special time to focus on self-improvement. I hate that it often provides an even bigger chance to miserably fail and feel bad about myself for months to come. As a positive psychology researcher, I want to crack the code of successful resolutions. My husband, Shawn, and I decided to conduct a goal-setting experiment, using only ourselves as subjects. We would employ two very different approaches toward achieving our goals, and at the end, compare data. The results have forever changed how I set and achieve goals and improved my self-image in the process. I’m hopeful our experience will help you better understand which approach will work best for your brain and give you the highest chance of goal-setting success. Experiment design The experiment would take three months, and we did it over the summer when the pace of life felt slower. Shawn would follow the science. I would try something completely crazy. We’d each document our results and compare final notes after Labor Day. The control group: Shawn Shawn followed the science to a T, and he was a lovable nerd through this process. Based on the research, he developed this formula: (Specific + Tracked) x Varied = Success Specific—Research shows that while it is good to have big goals, it is best to break them down into small, specific goals. That gives the brain more opportunities for “wins” as we achieve those milestones, which can act as fuel for the future. One of Shawn’s goals was to meditate more; he added a 30-minute session each week on Sundays. Each time he sat down to meditate on a Sunday, his happiness over that win fueled his meditation practice the following week. Tracked—Here is where Shawn’s true scientist came out. He developed a detailed spreadsheet that listed all his goals and tracked percentage progress to the finish line. He even made a bar graph. He applied the research he featured in his book Before Happiness that shows that when the brain sees it is 70 percent or more toward the finish line, it actually speeds up progress. That’s why exhausted marathoners sprint for the finish line. One of his goals was to play tennis four times with a friend he rarely sees. After just six weeks, he was excited to see that he was 75 percent of the way to his goal. Varied—Shawn came up with a range of goals. He wanted to swim a certain number of laps nonstop by the end of the summer, read a certain number of new books for fun (no research books!) and go on three dates with me. I’m so happy for diversification! And no work goals this time because work was busy enough. This followed the research that shows that by varying the areas of your life in which you have goals, accomplishments in one area can help motivate you in others. The experimental group: Michelle I called my approach to the experiment “The Summer of NO Goals.” Yep, you read it right! First, the back story: I put a lot of pressure on myself to achieve. A. Lot. What this means is that I always have goals. I get swept up in the excitement of “how great it would be” to do this or that. I go for a run and instantly think, “I should run every morning. How great that would be for my body. I am going to run two miles every morning from now on.” I do it for three days. And then I am on to the next great idea. The worst part is that I have often felt bad about constantly not following through. And then we had our son Leo, who is now 2 1/2, and I have even less time to do anything. But that has been a blessing in disguise, as you’ll see from my formula. Mindful + Tracked + Play = Joy Mindful—Just simply deciding I was not going to set goals for myself during the summer didn’t mean my brain didn’t try to do it anyway. I had formed a habit of it. So I needed to cultivate mindfulness to consciously observe my thought patterns. When I did go for an occasional run, I didn’t let my thinking rob me of the joy of that run by plotting and planning the next 365 runs. I just tried to stay in the moment. I watched my breath go in and out as I jogged. I looked at the trees. Most times I practiced this simple mindfulness technique and felt refreshed, and that feeling made me want to run more. At the end of the summer, I had run 22 percent more than the previous three months. Tracked—Since I had no tangible goals to track, I decided to track progress in all areas of my life. I kept a list of small work projects I accomplished, how many times I went swimming, the number of times I played with Leo in the sandbox, etc. This tracking started to show me two things. First, I do a lot of awesome things during the course of an average day or week so there is no need to feel bad about myself. Second, I started to see how much I do of each kind of activity and which ones bring me the most joy. By consciously moving time from something that is not as fun like answering emails to something that is fun like playing in the sandbox with Leo, that 20-minute swing in the middle of the day energized me for the rest of it. Play—This one was simple. Every time Leo asked me to play, I tried to say “YES!” There are a lot of things that can wait, from doing the dishes to those pesky emails. I want to savor this time with him now while he is young, even if it means having a slightly messy house for a time. Play is memorable. Dishes are not. Results Shawn accomplished 96 percent of his goals for the summer and felt great about it. During my summer of no goals, I was blown away by my long list of accomplishments. I also had shifted approximately 9 percent of my time away from draining activities toward energizing ones. Small shift, great rewards And after the experiment concluded, I was recharged and ready to set goals again. Personal growth starts with each of us understanding what we need right now to inspire and propel us. That’s when applying the science helps. This year, Shawn’s formula might work perfectly for you, or you might need a mindful recharge like I needed. Or maybe it’s time to be your own scientist and come up with a new formula. What’s your approach to goal setting in the new year? Is there one goal you’d like to share? Join the discussion with me on Facebook at facebook.com/MichelleGielan. Read more: Let Technology Revolutionize Your New Year's Resolutions SHAWN ACHOR is best-selling author of the The Happiness Advantage and Before Happiness. Shawn’s TED Talk is one of the most popular ever, with over 5 million views, and his PBS program has been seen by millions. Learn more about Shawn at Goodthinkinc.com. MICHELLE GIELAN is an expert on the science of positive communication and how to use it to fuel success and the author of Broadcasting Happiness. Formerly a national news anchor for CBS News, Michelle holds a masters of applied positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. Learn more at Goodthinkinc.com.

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