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Make Work Your Playground With Andrea Goeglein

Andrea Goeglein, Ph.D., also known as Dr. Success, is an author, speaker and executive coach who uses the practices of positive psychology to manifest success in the business world. Having worked as an entrepreneur as well as the executive level, Andrea uses her experience to teach business leaders how to implement the principles of positive psychology to find both personal fulfillment and greater career success with her Las Vegas-based company, Serving Success. Andrea joins Science Editor Paula Felps to discuss how positivity and character strengths can lead to personal success, as well as other top secrets that lead to a flourishing life. In this episode, you'll learn: How success and positivity can flourish together Why it’s important to use your character strengths at work Adversity can be a catalyst to change Links and Resources To find out more about Dr. Success, visit servingsuccess.com Linkedin: drsuccessphd Twitter: @drsuccess Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:

relationships

4 Ways to Keep a Happy Relationship

Most of us are willing to put real effort into relationships that we value. But trying too hard can put the relationship at risk. This is especially true in the case of romantic relationships because the self-disclosure and vulnerability we feel when becoming close to another person may make us wary of those who make demands that we’re not sure we’re ready to meet. “Trying too hard” is related to attempting to control where a relationship goes. It’s generally seen in micromanaging behavior and almost always causes a “distancing” by the other partner, who becomes more ambivalent and ducks the controlling behavior. This, of course, exacerbates the issue by causing the “controlling” partner to lean even more into controlling (or “fixing”) the relationship, which only increases the anxiety and ambivalence of the other partner. The following tips are designed to help ensure that both parties remain comfortably on the same page in developing needed give-and-take in a relationship: Openly discuss the status of your relationship. Build in a habit of checking in with each other about what you think and feel about how your connection is proceeding. Frankly discuss feelings such as anxiety, insecurity and (perhaps most importantly) ambivalence. This may seem strange at first, but it is valuable for getting to know someone and vital for maintaining a healthy long-term relationship. Decide how and when you’ll have these talks and stay open to taking a timeout when the other person is feeling anxious and ambivalent. This not only promotes trust, but reduces the likelihood of triggering crises down the road related to unresolved feelings or issues. Cultivate a practice of mindfulness of how each partner is experiencing the relationship, so that neither party feels in danger of being either depleted or overwhelmed. Such a practice can be initiated by calling a timeout and sitting quietly with one another for short time, say three to five minutes. Follow this up with a period of alternating shares (also timed) in which each party talks about what it was like to sit quietly with each other without taking one another’s inventory. With practice, this builds a safe space for couples to practice the unconditional acceptance of where each person stands in the relationship. Give each other permission to speak up if one of you feels that the other is over-managing what’s going on between you. Indicators of over-management can be as subtle as one of you always deciding who does a household chore to something as significant as deciding when you’re going to have sex or how you’re going to spend your vacations. Remember to maintain focus on how one is experiencing the other’s “over-management.” For example, instead of an accusatory, “you never pay attention to what I want,” (which probably will elicit a retaliatory accusation) verbalize your own feelings only: “I feel as if my ideas about how we could spend our vacation don’t matter to you” or “it hurts my feelings when you push me away when I try to kiss you.” Sticking to verbalizing only your own feelings without blaming leaves open an avenue for jointly analyzing and finding solutions to problems. Don’t act as if “everything is fine” when it isn’t. Few behaviors have more “blow-up potential” than ignoring your own feelings to keep the peace. At the same time, avoid insisting on raising an issue in a time and place that’s likely to create more discomfort (as well as resistance and resentment) rather than relieve it. With practice, the three previous techniques will create an interpersonal environment in which virtually any issue can be processed in a calm, nonaccusatory way, and in almost any setting. Problems are then solved in real time, undercutting the danger of ignoring or stewing in our feelings. Each time you address a problem or potential problem in this way, you’ll have taken a giant step forward in building both connection and mutual trust. You may have noticed that safety is the cornerstone of everything we’ve said here. But feeling safe isn’t automatic: It’s built over time, and the four points above can keep the process on track. The unconditional hospitality you create, no matter what each of you is feeling, becomes the beginning, the way and the goal of making your relationship better.

Practice

5 Things You Need to Know About Mindfulness

We all could use a break from time to time. Creating good habits, like being more mindful, can help keep stress from over taking your life. Here are five things you should know when it comes to practicing mindfulness. We’re talking about practice. We will never get good at anything without practice. Experts recommend finding ten minutes for mindfulness throughout the day, preferably in the morning. Set a timer or alert on your phone to help you create and maintain the habit. Mindfulness guru Jon Kabat-Zinn says, “If you can learn how to live in this present moment, then mindfulness doesn’t take any time at all. You’re moving through life, surfing on your breath and handling whatever comes up as you need to.” It’s not voodoo. Mindfulness practices and meditation have roots in many cultures dating back thousands of years. This may make some people thing that there is some sort of mysticism involved, but mindfulness is a natural process that allows to focus on your present awareness. You can practice mindfulness by washing the dishes or walking your dog. As long you are focused on the moment and don’t let yesterday or tomorrow creep in, you are where you need to be. Need Help? That’s easy. Andy Puddicombe’s leading meditation app Headspace, has proven to be a leader in teaching mindfulness. Andy’s easy-going attitude and soothing voice guide you through the journey of your inner you. The first 10 sessions are free. If you like what you hear (and feel), a monthly subscription opens a whole new world of meditations designed for specific areas in your life, including stress and anxiety. The time is now. If your life is busy and you aren’t sure about a when is a good time to start your practicing mindfulness, how about now? Jack Kornfield, author of No Time Like the Present and one of people responsible for introducing mindfulness to Western culture, says there is no time better than the present to start your mindfulness journey. Being mindful can open the door to getting more joy and fulfillment out of your life. Build a Better Brain. Practicing mindfulness on a regular basis can strengthen parts of your brain designed for empathy and self-awareness, according to Rick Hanson, Ph.D., author of Just One Thing and Hardwiring Happiness. Being mindful can thicken the brain’s cortical layers that help us focus and activate the left prefrontal cortex that keeps our negativity in check.

Practice

Finding Happiness in People

As the late psychologist and pioneer in positive psychology Christopher Peterson famously wrote in his book Pursuing the Good Life, “Other people matter.” As cultural creatures, humans have unique capabilities to communicate our needs with each other. Through touch, sound and even feelings, we can signal when we are sad, angry or content. Without other people, we wouldn’t know right from wrong and we certainly wouldn’t know what makes us happy. Here is the latest in research related to the science of happiness and well-being that proves Christopher may have been on to something. Hugs Not Shrugs People who settle their differences with a nice warm hug have happier, stronger relationships than those who do not prefer personal contact, especially on a really tough day. According to new research from Carnegie Mellon University, the positive results from hugging were the same for men and women, married or not. While the outcomes are correlational at this point, researchers point out that interpersonal touch is a shield to stress and is associated with “increased attachment security, greater perceived partner support, enhanced intimacy, higher relationship satisfaction and easier conflict resolution.” Like a Good Neighbor Having friends living nearby and making regular positive connections with your neighbors can improve the overall satisfaction with your neighborhood. In a longitudinal study recently published in the journal City & Community from the American Sociological Association, researchers found that neighbors who practiced good neighborly behaviors, such as looking after one another’s property and doing favors for each other, may actually stave off negative perceptions about disadvantaged areas too, leading to opportunities of investment back into the neighborhood. Stronger bonds within the neighborhood mean less fear and isolation, which can then increase life satisfaction. Forgive to Live Forgiveness is not just a good practice for long-lasting happiness and well-being, but it may be a survival tool that we have always had. New research appearing in the journal Nature Human Behavior suggests that having the ability to forgive helps us maintain our social relationships, even when someone hurts another. “Humans have not evolved in isolation, but in groups—we need to cooperate with others to survive,” says Jenifer Siegel, a Ph.D. student at the University of Oxford and lead author of the study. “Lenient and forgiving strategies in natural selection offer an advantage because they allow people to make mistakes and prevent us from prematurely terminating relationships that are necessary for the survival of our species.” Conversely, she says, our forgiving nature can also cause us to stick around in bad relationships, too. Happiness and Beyond As we increase our happiness in our later years, we may be able to decrease our risk of death, creating longer lasting lives, according to new research from the DukeNUS Medical School. The study, recently published in the scientific journal Age and Ageing, surveyed Singaporeans aged 60 years and up, found that people who reported to be happy with their lives had 19 percent less of a chance of dying over people who said they were unhappy. The findings suggest the even small increments of happiness benefit longevity in both men and women.

Podcast

Strengths-Based Parenting With Lea Waters

Lea Waters, Ph.D., is more than just the current president of the International Positive Psychology Association; she’s also a researcher and expert on character strengths—and the mother of two. Her latest book, The Strength Switch: How the New Science of Strength-Based Parenting Can Help Your Child and Your Teen to Flourish showed parents how focusing on children’s strengths instead of trying to correct their weaknesses can yield extraordinary results. Now, Lea has created an online course based on The Strength Switch to give families the tools they need to put her findings into practice. In this episode of Live Happy Now, Live Happy CEO Deborah Heisz talks to Lea about how (and why) strengths-based parenting can benefit every family. In this episode, you'll learn: How focusing on your child’s strengths can unlock their full potential Why it’s important for families to work on this together How your family can benefit from this online course You can learn more about Lea's online course here, and you can also hear more from Lea about The Strength Switch here. Also in this week's episode, Mike Pepperman of LG Electronics explains the company's Experience Happiness initiative, which is bringing the principles of sustainable happiness to schools. Links and Resources Twitter: ProfLeaWaters Instagram: ProfLeaWaters Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:

Lifestyle

9 Books for a Happy Home

What does it take to have a happy home? It’s the people who live there. You could have a $3 million estate or a tiny house, but the people inside will have the greatest contagious effect on the energy, mood and feeling of the place. We put together the nine best books to create a happy home. Happy Home: Everyday Magic for a Colorful Life by Charlotte Hedeman Gueniau What if you could give your home a happiness makeover? Happy Home: Everyday Magic for a Colorful Life will make your house come alive with color and playful accessories. Do-it-yourself projects and contemporary designs transform rooms with bright colors, cheerful patterns and interesting textures inspired by designer Charlotte Hedeman Gueniau and her home furnishings company Rice. Add some humor to your décor and deploy her ideas, including vibrant throws and cushions, storage ideas to hide clutter, hand-painted furniture and decorative motifs for walls and other surfaces. Girl, Wash Your Face: Stop Believing the Lies About Who You Are So You Can Become Who You Were Meant to Be by Rachel Hollis What if the stories you tell yourself are derailing your happiness? If you think other people have life all figured out and you are lagging behind, this book can snap you awake. Rachel Hollis, founder of the lifestyle website TheChicSite.com reveals 20 lies and misconceptions that can hold us back. With vulnerability, Rachel shares her personal story to show how happiness is a choice you can make each day—regardless of where you are on your journey. Spark Joy: An Illustrated Master Class on the Art of Organizing and Tidying Up by Marie Kondo You’ve likely read or heard of Marie Kondo from her international best-seller, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, that inspired millions of people to get organized and surround themselves only with items they truly love. In her latest book, Spark Joy, she illustrates her popular KonMarj method of organization. Use her advice to organize kitchen tools, cleaning supplies, hobby goods and digital photos. When’s the last time you asked yourself if your items are propelling you forward or holding you back? Experience the euphoria and mental freedom that comes from Marie’s magical decluttering advice. The Empowered Mama: How to Reclaim Your Time and Yourself While Raising a Happy, Healthy Family by Lisa Druxman “There isn’t enough time in the day.” If you’ve ever said this sentence (or felt it!) then this book is for you. The old adage that if mama isn’t happy no one is—is so true. Use the tools in The Empowered Mama to learn how to recharge your body and mind when the demands of motherhood, your professional life and your home life are taking all of your time. Maximize your time by focusing on what you have to accomplish most and use her many tips to get your life in order. Rediscover how to feel like an empowered mother for your own well-being. When moms are happy, the home will be full of happy energy, too. Homebody: A Guide to Creating Spaces You Never Want to Leave by Joanne Gaines Joanna Gaines, famous designer and co-star of HGTV’s Fixer Upper with her husband, Chip Gaines, shows you how to create a home that reflects your personality and becomes a place you never want to leave. In Homebody: A Guide to Creating Spaces You Never Want to Leave, learn how to know your design style by assessing your likes and dislikes and going with your instincts. Homebody is your go-to manual to create a beautiful home and spaces customized to your personal tastes. Her step-by-step guide will help you redo your house room by room. Happier Now: How to Stop Chasing Perfection and Embrace Everyday Moments (Even the Difficult Ones) by Nataly Kogan When you step inside your home, you know it holds memories both good and bad. What if you began looking at your life differently and looked at every moment of your life as truly living—even the painful moments? Author Nataly Kogan immigrated to the United States from Russia and has a unique perspective and draws from science, Eastern traditions and her experience as a refugee on how to be happier by boosting your resilience and building up your emotional immune system. Stop the “I’ll be happy when” and change your life to “I’m happy now because …” Embrace difficult times with more compassion and stability. Enjoy life inside your home no matter what is going on in your life at the moment. Getting Back to Happy: Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Reality, and Turn Your Trials into Triumphs by Marc Chernoff Use the power of your daily rituals, mindfulness practices, and self-care routines to overcome whatever life throws your way and be your best self. Personal development experts Marc and Angel Chernoff wrote the book they needed most. Elevate your sense of purpose at home and live with a greater sense of self-worth. For example, learn the art of mindful reframing to get in a better mental state. Instead of feeling overwhelmed, reframe how you view your life and begin to see your life as rich and interesting. You also will learn how to work on your relationship skills to foster mutual respect, genuine affection and lifelong trust. Simplify: 7 Guiding Principles to Help Anyone Declutter Their Home and Life by Joshua Becker What if you reduced the possessions you own to inspire living? Simplify is a celebration of minimalism. Find out how to live more by owning less from someone who made the leap. Author Joshua Becker and his family minimized possessions, decluttered their home and simplified their lives. His experience led to a profound sense of freedom and inspired him to share his story with others. “We were never meant to live life accumulating stuff. We were meant to live simply enjoying the experiences of life, the people of life and the journey of life—not the things of life,” he writes. Get It Together! An Interior Designer's Guide to Creating Your Best Life by Orlando Soria Designer Orlando Soria started out on HGTV and his popularity grew with his well-known design and lifestyle blog, Hommemaker. With his signature blunt and funny style, Get It Together! walks you through challenges such as how to plan a dinner party when you’re broke, how to hang art like you own a gallery, or prepare your home for an unwanted guest. Laugh out loud with his take on topics such as "How to Make Non-Garbagey Flower Arrangements.” He offers design tips for men, how to make your own coffee table and decorate a kid’s room. Solve home entertaining dilemmas, avoid newbie design mistakes and host guests like a pro. With humor, he shows anyone how to get it together on the home front.

alone woman sitting next to her lover's empty chair

Lifestyle

The Virtual Gratitude Visit

When you express gratitude to a deserving recipient, it boosts happiness all around. This effect can last for weeks. Martin Seligman’s concept of the gratitude visit is a great example of how the process works. One person writes a letter of gratitude for someone who has not been properly thanked, and then the letter is delivered in person. The recipient reads the letter aloud and both then enjoy the positive exchange and benefit from a stronger relationship. But what about those who can’t express their gratitude through the written word or are no longer in contact with the person they want to thank? Researcher and psychologist Dan Tomasulo explored this question with a potential solution he found by combining the research of positive psychology with practice of psychodrama. “I started experimenting with something called the virtual gratitude visit,” Dan says. “People could have an empty chair across from them and deliver the gratitude. It’s not a letter but just something off the top of their head, and they think of someone who extended kindnesses to them who doesn’t necessarily have to be available or alive anymore.” By using the model of Martin’s gratitude visit, Dan initially developed the idea because of his work with the mentally disabled who can sometimes have communication problems. Not long after, he realized that this technique could be beneficial beyond a clinical setting as well. Here’s how it works. The person expressing the gratitude sits across from an empty chair. They express their gratitude verbally to a recipient as if that person were sitting in the chair. This could be someone who lives far away or a relative who has passed. Then, in a bit of role-playing, the person giving the gratitude then takes on the role of the recipient. Dan says the virtual gratitude visit is also great in a group setting because multiple people can experience the positive emotions flowing through the room simultaneously. “When you witness a role-playing of something that integrated, where people are having authentic feelings of gratitude, we respond with what Jonathan Haidt calls elevation,” Dan says. “We get buoyed by this and are moved emotionally.” Friend and Harvard psychology professor Tal Ben-Shahar asked Dan to demonstrate the technique with him, as Tal wanted to thank his mentor who passed down the Harvard happiness course. It became of the fastest growing classes in Harvard’s storied history. Dan and Tal filmed the intervention, and both were quite moved by the experience. At the Fifth World Congress of Positive Psychology in Montreal, Canada, Dan received the 2017 Avant-Garde Clinical Intervention Award for his work on the virtual gratitude visit. While on stage, he showed this video with Tal at the ceremony so people can see how it works.

Well-Being

Rediscover Your Joy with Live Happy’s Latest Issue

Who doesn’t want to stay forever young? Live Happy’s new issue cover story “Happy for Life” explains how building positive habits like eating right, staying active, sleeping well and training your brain to be mindful and calm are the keys to a long and joyful life. Yet even more important? Having close, meaningful relationships. “People who live a long time have a lot of positive emotion,” says George Vaillant of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. “And that means being part of a community. It’s hard to have positive emotion on a deserted island; you need other people.” Well-being researcher and Blue Zones author Dan Buettner backs that up. “Making sure you have happy friends affects how long you live, because that’s contagious. And focusing on your immediate social network is more important than either diet or exercise programs when it comes to living a long, happy, healthy life. Happiness adds about eight years to your life expectancy; it’s almost as good for you as quitting smoking.” Live Happy’s issue No. 26 is on newsstands this week. A larger format “bookazine”—it’s both a book and a magazine!—includes five chapters of well-being tips and resources, plus pullout posters and postcards. In this issue, we share scientifically proven methods to boost your happiness so you can increase your health. Readers will learn to practice: Gratitude to refocus the brain to start looking for what’s good in life. Compassion to counter the habit of dwelling on personal needs and challenges. Savoring to increase appreciation for what’s right in the moment. Optimism to lower stress response, which leads to better overall health and happiness. Mindfulness to stay present and limit anxiety from worrying about the future. Giving Back to boost well-being for all involved and to strengthen community bonds. “This issue is unlike any we’ve ever done before,” says Deborah K. Heisz, Live Happy’s CEO, co-founder and editorial director. “It shares the key lessons of positive psychology research—as well as the latest tips, ‘how-tos’ and emerging science—in our largest, most comprehensive issue yet. The ‘bookazine’ format includes chapters relevant to every part of your life including happiness, health, resilience and happiness at work, school and at home.” Also in this issue: Stronger Every Day: Maria Shriver’s four guideposts to positivity from her new book, I’ve Been Thinking…Reflections, Prayers, and Meditations for a Meaningful Life. Plus can’t-miss interviews with TV celebs Annie Potts, Mario Lopez and Denise Austin. Finding Joy Again: Three powerful stories of how to recover from loss and live happier now. With five steps from Rick Hanson, Ph.D., to start the healing process. Putting the ‘Om’ in Home: Author Rebecca West shares how rethinking home design can deliver joy and comfort. Plus seven keys to healthy family relationships from licensed psychotherapist Stacy Kaiser. The issue is available at store.livehappy.com or at major retailers throughout North America including Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, Chapters Bookstores (Canada), Indigo Books, Safeway, Raley’s Supermarkets, SavOn Foods, Walmart and Hy-Vee Foods.

Well-Being

Find the Good: Keep the Recharge Button at the Ready

As we ride the final wave of summer into early fall, join me in appreciating the grit and joie de vivre of San Diego’s Jojo, a surfing corgi who recovered from a brutal, nearly fatal dog attack through water therapy and taking up surfing with his person, Josephine Zosa. Jojo has his own Instagram account @supercorgi_jojo with more than 82,000 followers and growing. He’s entered—and even won—surf competitions and gives back by volunteering as a therapy dog for the military and in hospitals and nursing homes. Jojo is one more example of how trauma can bring out our greatest strengths. It’s Time to Put You on the To-Do List So what do you do when the day’s challenges start to get you down? (Other than watching corgi videos, that is?) At my house, we’re all coming off simpler summer schedules, sending the kids back to school and trying to get everyone charged up for the action-packed fall routine. It’s the ideal time for a reminder to take care of ourselves as the calendar fills up with meetings; holiday planning; soccer and basketball practice or Scouts meetings for the kids. In the morning rush it may seem easier to skip that 3-mile run to get everything done on time, but don’t forget, taking care of yourself not only brings good things to you but also to the rest of your family. I’m not perfect at taking care of myself, either. Yet there is a certain element of prioritizing—building into your schedule—the things that make your life worthwhile, like exercising regularly, not always eating on the go and savoring moments of quiet where you can find them. Getting the kids to bed on time can help with that last one. But there are bigger things you can plan for, too. We just got back from a huge vacation; we went on a cruise to Alaska for a week. It was important to do that because for me, if I don’t check out enough, it’s really hard to maintain that intensity that’s required to do my regular job the rest of the year. To work, to be involved in my community, to get my kids from place to place, I need that recharge button. And I find so much more good in recognizing that! For one, my kids saw me in a more relaxed mode that opened up more opportunities to connect and just have fun. We were still active, running, biking and sightseeing, but it was important that I was engaged with them and not on my phone or computer. I think most people overlook the good in taking a break. The benefit is in hitting the reset button so I can give work my all when I get back. It helps me look at the “must do’s” in a much more positive light, because I took the time to take care of myself. Because I’m never going to get to the bottom of my to-do list…I promise. How many times have you heard “work hard, play hard?” But who really does?…I don’t see that many people actually incorporate it. You have to make play as much of a priority as the work. The Boss Says…Take Your Vacation! There are so many people who leave their vacation days unused. In my own company as CEO, I stand up and say, “Schedule your vacation; I’ve already scheduled mine,” and I mean it. People kind of look at me like, “What’s the catch?” This Travel+Leisure article cites an Allianz Travel Insurance study that reports 51 percent of the population—or about 129 million people—say they’ve gone a full year without taking a vacation. And the number of people who said they were confident they would take a vacation within the year—48 percent—is at the lowest rate it’s been since 2010. So take the time, take a vacation. More importantly, those weeks you’re not on vacation? Take time to take care of yourself because if you don’t, you’re no good for anybody. The good that you’ll bring to the world is worth it. Be a Happy Activist Our September #HappyAct is setting a positive goal for yourself. Try running for 30 minutes straight, cooking more meals at home, taking a mental health day or anything that builds you up to better handle life’s challenges. A sense of accomplishment will boost your joy, connection with others and overall well-being. On the #HappyAct front, this was one of my favorite recent kindhearted acts: A Louisiana grocery store clerk, Jordan Taylor, let autistic teen Jack Ryan help him stock a cooler with orange juice for more than half an hour after Jack showed an interest in helping. The story gets even better with a GoFundMe campaign to help Jordan raise money for college. Keep looking for the good, and you’ll find it!

Self-Care

9 Ways to Improve Your Emotional Regulation Skills

When was the last time you lost your cool? Maybe a tough day at work took you down to your last nerve and your child couldn’t stop whining. If you find yourself raising your voice or saying something snappish when you’re under stress, you’ve come face-to-face with the challenges of emotion regulation. If you have a difficult time exercising restraint when you are angry or frustrated, emotion regulation is a skill you can build up with practice. You’re angry. Picture a fork in the road. Do you take the road of reactionary ranting or do you take the serene one where you carefully choose your response? Recognizing that you always have a choice in how you respond—no matter how you feel—is at the heart of mastering emotion regulation. Responding appropriately is not about acting fake—it’s just keeping it together when you actually feel the opposite. We all deploy these strategies every day—whether we are aware of them or not. Healthy regulation might show up as leaving something unsaid, walking away or choosing a neutral response. A lack of regulation can include road rage, verbal or physical aggression, or to a lesser degree, saying things you regret as soon as they leave your mouth. “Emotion regulation means practicing something known as impulse control,” says Kris Lee, Ed.D., a professor at Northeastern University, behavioral science expert and author of Mentalligence: A New Psychology of Thinking: Learn What it Takes to be More Agile, Mindful and Connected in Today’s World. “When something happens, our brain’s automatic response is to be reactive. When our amygdala, the small part of our brain that regulates fight or flight is set off, we have to avoid taking the bait of our raw emotional reactions that make us want to overreact,” Kris says. “When we buy time, we then have access to the frontal lobes of our brains, where we have access to reasoning, better problem solving and perspective. We never have to take the bait of primitive emotions,” she explains. Put another way, Dr. Kris says we can let the “first take” (the way we initially feel) pass us by and revisit triggers with a second take when we have our wits about us. “Staying cool in the heat of the moment can be a challenge for even the most patient among us,” Kris says. “We all have different triggers that bring us from zero to 60, so knowing in advance what types of things can set us off can help us mentally rehearse and prepare a reaction that isn’t something we might regret later.” For parents, it can be easy to lose your cool. “Think in advance of how to be able to step away and buy time before your words or behavior take on too harsh of a tone,” she suggests. “Have a go-to mantra like ‘it’s going to be OK’ or ‘this too shall pass’ to serve as reminders that your state of frustration won’t last.” You also can replay a past event where you lost your temper and decide on a better way to react next time. “Oftentimes parents get burned out or emotionally overwhelmed, leading us to be more reactive and impulsive,” Kris says. “One of the best strategies to reduce reactivity and promote emotional regulation is engaging in regular, deliberate self-care.” Here are nine ways to improve your emotional regulation skills: Choose your mantra. Decide what you will say to yourself the next time your frustration bubbles up to the surface. Have one or two short mantras ready. Talk with friends. Friends are support systems. A good talk can dissipate stress, make you feel understood and give you a good outlet to vent. “Find your tribe or community where you can share challenges, laughs and strategize on how to solve problems you have in common,” Kris says. Practice self-compassion. How often do you give yourself a soft place to land in your mind? Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself as you would a best friend, and when you are kinder to yourself, you are kinder to others. Exercise and eat nutritiously. Take care of your body and your mind will follow. Write in a journal. Give your thoughts and feelings a safe place to come out. Practice mindfulness meditation. Practice a nonjudgmental stance to things you are confronting. Be a neutral observer to your thoughts instead of labeling them and making rash decisions, Kris recommends. Seek therapy. Ask for help. “Anger is often a sign of underlying anxiety and trouble with the skills of on-the-spot coping,” Kris explains. Speak with a professional to resolve old issues that are triggers. Sleep. Monkey brain goes up when hours of sleep go down. Get adequate sleep—about eight hours a night. The power of a good night’s sleep is underestimated. Build up your emotional repertoire. “Research shows we are capable of building a positive emotional repertoire and redirecting our energies to help us from being stuck in negative emotional states,” Kris explains. Practice positive communication skills. Rehearse desired reactions according to your unique stressors and triggers. “We all have different thresholds for coping and are dealing with different degrees of stressors and seasons of life. We can continually grow and improve our capacity for coping and reacting productively and positively,” she says. Bottom line? “A more well-rested, exercised, nourished and emotionally connected person will have a greater sense of resilience and their brain will be less apt to be impulsively driven,” Kris says.