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Follow along with the transcript below for episode: How Social Media Influences Your Happiness With Jessie Kanzer    [INTRODUCTION] [00:00:02] PF: Welcome to Episode 355 of Live Happy Now. Throughout the month of March, we're celebrating the International Day of Happiness, and a whole month of happy acts. As part of this year's celebration, we're looking at the theme of unity. I'm your host, Paula Felps. This week, I'm joined by Jessie Kanzer, author of Don't Just Sit There, DO NOTHING. Much of Jessie's work looks at social media and how we can become more mindful about it to minimize its negative impact. Sit back, and let's hear what Jessie has to say. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:36] PF: Jessie, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:38] JK: Thank you so much, Paula. [00:00:41] PF: This is the perfect time to talk to you, not just because your new book is out, but because we are doing this whole month celebrating the International Day of Happiness on March 20th, and really doing a whole month of happy acts. Our theme this year is unity. Anytime we have a discussion about unity and conflict, it seems that social media comes up. This is something that you talk about. I wanted to talk today about how it affects the way we feel about ourselves and the world around us. To kick it off, you talk about why this one thing called social media is so powerful. [00:01:15] JK: Yes, and I do talk a lot about it. Because, like you said, it's so prevalent. Before we talk about what's wrong with it, let's just acknowledge what a big part of our life has become. In fact, in my book, Don't Just Sit There, DO NOTHING, I have a chapter called Stop the Thumb, which you can interpret it as you will, but it's about stopping that scrolling thumb that never stops itself. I do think that it's easier said than done. You could easily just tell people, just get off social media. I've heard that so many times. Just get off of it. Realistically speaking, for a lot of us, for creatives, like myself, for podcasts, there's a lot of need for social media, for the businesses and for the positive information we're trying to spread. We can't just get off social media, because that's where we now reach people, because that's where people are. It's not as easy anymore to just say get off of it, or cancel your accounts. Because for a lot of people, that's not something you can do. Our livelihood has begun to depend on social media as well. What's happened is, the lines have blurred between – There used to be clear cut marketing, clear cut advertising. That would be the commercial on TV, or the radio spot that played. Now, it's not quite so. We are on Instagram, on Facebook, on TikTok, seemingly just entertaining ourselves, or scrolling through what our friends are doing, etc. We are also being advertised to all the time. What I don't love, to start with social media, there's no longer a line between what's just content for you to consume and what's actually content that is trying to influence your behavior. [00:03:10] PF: Yeah. It can quickly change the way that you think and the way that you perceive things. If you've liked certain things, the algorithms are going to send material to you, and it can take you down a rabbit hole. It can start changing the way you view society, the way you view yourself, the way you view your neighbors. [00:03:29] JK: Yes. I don't know if you have watched the film Social Dilemma. I remember watching it last year. It's scary, right? I think that I actually wish everyone in the world would have watched it. Because what I now understand and what helps me a lot is knowing that this construct exists to learn me, to stay there as long as possible. That it is addictive to me, not because there's something wrong with me, but because it was formulated to be addictive. Once you realize that, you can at least start to forgive yourself a little for the time you're spending that you lose on social media without realizing, because we've all found ourselves in those holes that you mentioned. You're like, “Why have I just been on here for 20 minutes, half an hour?” [00:04:15] PF: I know it lift your head up and you're like, “What just happened to me?” [00:04:18] JK: Yeah. It was formulated to do that. That's what it's formulated to do. Like you said, it does – Unfortunately, the way the algorithm works is it picks up on what you're there looking at and what you're doing. It'll send you more and more and more of that. If we look at politics, we know what happens. What happens is we end up in echo chambers, where we just hear what we already believe, and then we become more and more convinced. It doesn't matter if it's truth or not truth, because it becomes our truth. [00:04:48] PF: Yeah, and one thing that's happened in this time of isolation and more people are working remotely and we're not interacting, so we don't have that time where we call it the water cooler, but where you’re grabbing a cup of coffee in the break room and you're talking to someone who has a different opinion, you had more balance, I feel. There was more of a balance of input of ideologies and just thoughts, and whether or not you agreed with them, you're hearing different opinions. [00:05:15] JK: I think that when you're speaking with a person, an actual person face-to-face, they don't become this demon that sometimes people become on social media. We're just people. For some reason, the screen of anonymity that Twitter, for example, can provide where just somebody's name, and it's not their real name; some name that they chose for their account. They can say pretty nasty things. They could say whatever they want. They wouldn't say that to you in real life, face-to-face. [00:05:46] PF: Oh, yeah. Getting on Twitter feels like going into a street fight. I'm like, “I need a helmet and a shield.” It's tough. [00:05:55] JK: Yeah. Then on the other hand, you have Instagram, which has been shown to be very detrimental to young people. I, myself as someone who struggled with an eating disorder as a teenager, and then in my early 20s, I really, really caution parents to pay a lot of attention to what their kids are consuming. It's hard. I'm not saying it's easy to always be on them. I know. I mean, my kids are only five and seven. Already, sometimes I look over, what is she watching? It's not easy, but I think it's super important. Because as we understood, Instagram will keep providing for you the content that you're looking at. If you're a young girl, and you're becoming obsessed with your body image, you will keep seeing things that will keep making you feel more insecure, and maybe take you down a rabbit hole of years of less than a healthy existence. That's what happened to me just from teen mags. I can imagine that being the age of social media is more challenging. [00:06:55] PF: Absolutely. As we've acknowledged, civility is a big issue. It is a big issue, even in the real world now. On social media, it is amplified. One thing I really want to talk with you is how can we start using our social media to become unified, rather than divided? By unified, I don't mean that we just find all these people who think the same way we do and it's, we're right, and they're wrong. How do we bridge that? [00:07:25] JK: I have a couple of suggestions. [00:07:27] PF: I was hoping you would. [00:07:30] JK: Yeah. With how we can create healthier relationships. Because, again, like I said, for a lot of us, just quitting social media altogether is not an option. I believe that learning how to live with something is the most, the strongest act that we can do for ourselves as someone. I struggled at an early age with bulimia. Now, I see similarities here because, well, in order to get over bulimia, you have to get over the behavior of binging on food. but you can't get rid of eating food as a whole, because we need food to live. What you need to do is actually change your entire relationship with food into a healthy relationship, and it takes time. Doing the same thing with social media, it's not going to happen overnight. One thing, for me, my social media is very healing. I made the algorithm work for me. When I go on my Instagram feed, I'm really posting and looking for spiritual insight, upliftment, information on well-being. The more I was paying attention to that and not allowing myself to go down the rabbit hole of what's Kim Kardashian doing, or what's whoever else, I just decided, this was my focus time to make it work for me. I would go on for short periods of time, I would post something, whether it be a quote from Don't Just Sit There, DO NOTHING, or maybe a little discussion about what's going on right now and some positive take on that. Then I would look for people, again, who weren't necessarily exactly my opinion, but people who were putting something positive out into the world. I follow, for example, podcasts that are positive podcasts, that are uplifting podcasts. The more I did that, I would also concurrently unfollow stuff that would trigger me. Anything I saw, which I realized was just putting more drama out into my feed, I would just unfollow. Simply, I would follow what lifted me up, unfollow what brought me down. Just paying attention and creating an awareness of how any post makes you feel is very important. If we can bring in mindfulness, which is a practice that can be brought into anything, like mindfulness can be brought into, even into social media. [00:10:02] PF: Yeah, that's good. I'm glad you brought that up, because I was going to ask you, what role mindfulness plays when you're managing your social media. [00:10:09] JK: I practice mindfulness. I try to practice mindfulness all day, every day. I mean, obviously, I'm not perfect. I'm human, but I try to be mindful when I'm folding my kids’ laundry, and when I'm trying to get them out and rush them out in the morning to their bus. I try to bring in a little mindfulness there, so that what mindfulness is, is being in the present and being connected to exactly what you're doing right now. We know that. I know that your audience knows that. You know what? It can be brought to, once you bring mindfulness into what you're doing on social media, you take yourself out of that dynamic that was set up, which was just to have you be a user. Let's remember that we're called users in the social media world. Not consumers, users. Okay, you pay attention, you go a little slower. First of all, you slow down that thumb. You go a little slower. You pause, every time you see something and you ask yourself, “Is this something I want to see more of?” If not, simply unfollow. Not that hard. Just unfollow. Something I want to see more of, press a like. What happens is slowly, your feed starts to look like yourself. My feed, if you looked at it, would be like, “Oh, I get who Jessie is. She's into the whole woo-woo world, she’s a wellness fanatic.” I think, that if everyone can do that, it will not be this alienating place anymore. I mean, for me, so I have a whole community on social media. My mentor, Laura Day, she's an intuitive. She holds morning meetings, where we just gather and we work on something positive for ourselves, and it's a short thing. You were talking about unity. I thought it's really interesting, because I found this community. She calls us the circle. These folks are just there. They're there. If I post something, they're there with some support. Like for my book launch, they're there with their positive affirmations, or helping to spread the word. In my experience, I now feel that I have unity in social media. [00:12:17] PF: That's amazing. Because so few people feel that way right now. [00:12:22] JK: Absolutely. That's why this is something. I discuss this in detail in the book, in the Stop the Thumb chapter. It's about, first of all, becoming mindful about what we consume. Also, this is an important one, be the change you want to see. You become mindful about what you post. [SPONSOR MESSAGE] [00:12:43] PF: I'm going to be right back with more of my conversation with Jessie. I wanted to take a moment to talk about one great alternative to social media. If you're looking to stop the mindless scrolling, how about putting your hands to use doing puzzles? Puzzles are a great gadget-free way to give your brain a break. We recently discovered Unidragon Puzzles, which you really need to see to believe. These gorgeous wooden puzzles are works of art that feature nature scenes, animals, Mandalas, and so much more. If you're looking to kick your social media habit, or at least rein it in, I can't think of a better way to do it than by spending time with these puzzles. Right now, you can get 10% off your order when you visit unidragon.com enter the code Live Happy Now. That's unidragon.com, and the code is Live Happy Now. Now, let's get back to my conversation with Jessie Kanzer and learn more about how to handle our social media habits. [INTERVIEW CONTINUED] [00:13:40] PF: I'm glad we're talking about this. Because there's something that you said that completely changed the way I was posting. That was, paying attention to your ego, and why I'm posting this. The fact that hey, I'm showing somebody I was having this great time, but how does this affect how somebody else feels? Can you pick that up? Because that is just beautiful insight that I needed to know. [00:14:05] JK: Of course. Paula, we're not, again, we're not perfect. Sometimes, I just have this freaking cute picture of the kids. I got to put it up and I just can't – You know what? The intention behind what you post is everything. Because if I just think this is the cutest, funniest thing in the world and I post it, often I get back, that made my day. I think, the intention behind what we post is very important. We all have an ego. It's okay that we have an ego. It’s okay that sometimes we want to show how well we're doing. It's all fine. We need to go back and remember that every time we post about what we have, somebody else is reminded, what they don't have. I remember this a lot during the days of everyone getting engaged in my own circle of friends. I remember this constant barrage. I had a lot of relationship difficulties at that time. I just remembered this barrage of engagement rings. It used to annoy me so much. If I look at it and why it annoyed me, of course, it's about what was missing in my own life, but also, was just – it felt so show-offy. I don't think that's what people are trying to do completely, but it's also the lack of bringing mindfulness into our post. It became what we're supposed to do. The second you get engaged, you post directly. [00:15:31] PF: I actually have a friend, who, when her son and daughter-in-law got married, the first thing the girl turned around, they kiss the bride, they turn around, they were announced as husband and wife and she yelled out, “Somebody change my Facebook status.” [00:15:43] JK: That’s really funny. That’s really funny. I get it. I get it. It's an exciting time. Boy, it felt like such a win for me, because I had such a long, barrage of heartbreaks. When I got married, I get it. Everything is okay when you put mindfulness into it, because at least you're aware, even if you're breaking that rule once or twice, you're aware, but you're not going to be sleepwalking anymore. That's really helpful. The other thing I say is, okay, fine. Once in a while, we want to post something that we did that was really fun, that was really beautiful, that we want to share. Remember to also, at least once in a while, share the vulnerabilities of your life, the stuff that maybe didn't go right. That's where actually, I found my sweet spot on social media, and maybe in my writing as a whole. I write a lot about my humiliations in life. I'm very, very open about all of the mistakes I made, because my goal is to help people feel less alone, if they are themselves finding that they're in this “loser spot” in their life, where they feel like a loser. I know what that feels like. I say, I try to hold on to the humility of a loser no matter where I am in life, because I really believe that if we open ourselves and show everyone the bad stuff, as well as the good stuff, we're doing a service to everyone else who may be struggling right now. [00:17:21] PF: Absolutely. I just love the way that because of you, I just do a little bit of a gut check before I post something now. It's like that. Okay, why am I doing this? Am I doing this for my own, because I want to show off, the fact that I got to drive this car? Or, am I doing it because I really want to share this experience? You know what? I'm leaving a lot of stuff off now. Because it's like, no, this was really not about uplifting someone else. It's about, “Hey, I got to do this really cool thing.” That’s how it feels. [00:17:51] JK: You know what, Paula? I love that you tell me that. That is so amazing to hear. Because, and again, if you do that gut check, and maybe you just saw a gorgeous sunset, and you want to post that, because you want to share the feeling of seeing this gorgeous sunset. Well, go ahead. That is a beautiful intention to have. It's not about, “Hey, look at me. What I get to see.” It's about, I want to share this with you. It's just about that small shift in intention that I think can connect us together. I try to balance. Obviously, I also promote stuff. I have to promote my book, because I want people to know about it. Again, I go back to the intention. I want to spread awareness about something I created out of love, because I want people to feel less alone, and I want people to have tools for healing. Then I say to myself, “That's okay to promote that, because I have an intention that's a loving intention in there.” [00:18:46] PF: Yeah. Once we get our own feeds under control, and we start curating what we're consuming, what do we do then about those posts? We cannot control what other people post. Sometimes it might be on our own page. How do we deal with those posts that immediately incite us? [00:19:03] JK: We take a deep breath. We pause and we delete. Seriously, or untag, or unfollow whatever you can do, but we don't engage. If it's something that is inciting you, I suggest you walk away from it. If it's something that you feel an hour later, or two hours later that you want to engage in, then go ahead, but from a commerce standpoint. Again, the intention of what you're bringing to this interaction is not that anger that you initially feel. It's not that triggered feeling. Maybe you're coming in to, because you feel that it's important to provide some truthful information. [00:19:41] PF: Well, a lot of times if we feel compelled to do that, and I've not done this, because I've seen what happens to people and it's a lot like a bunny rabbit walking in a herd of coyotes. It's like, someone feels compelled to explain like, “Look, this is why I feel differently.” They are pounced on and not – it doesn't stop and till they're a carcass pretty much. [00:20:03] JK: Yeah. I’ve seen that. [00:20:05] PF: Yeah. How do you do that? If it's someone, say, what's happening with a lot of people is someone they truly care about, whether it's a family, close friend, whatever, will say something that is so opposed to how they feel. That other person feels the need to – Like say, I might feel the need to say, “Look, that's really not where I'm coming from. This is why I think that way.” What's a better way to approach that? [00:20:26] JK: I would, in my personal experience, I probably would not. I would not engage in that in social media, on social media. If you feel strongly enough and if this person is in your life, there are other ways to connect with people. There's the telephone. I do find – [00:20:43] PF: Oh, is that still around? What? That thing? [00:20:45] JK: It's interesting. I find that the further removed we are from each other, right, so we're talking about the watercooler conversations. Then, you take that to a phone conversation, where you still hear each other's voice, and you can talk. Then you take that one step further removed, and maybe you're texting, and then a little further, and you're just posting something on social media for all to see. The further removed we get from each other as humans, the dirtier it can become. I don't see a need. Here's the thing. Yes, people post misinformation on social media. I say, and this is what the Daodejing has taught me; this is what I write about also in my book is, you cannot change the entire world. But in preserving your balance your sanity, in being the best you you can be, the changes that you provide for this world are going to be much bigger than you can imagine. Anything that is going to interfere with your well-being, don't do it. [00:21:50] PF: That's great advice. We know that, but we're not taking it. It's a weird time. One thing that you say – I know we're running out of time, but we've got to talk about this, because this is a great barometer. You say that people really need to pay attention to how they feel when they're on social media. We do not do that. Why is that so important? Then, what is it that we should be looking for? [00:22:14] JK: Yes. I think, we should pay attention to how we feel at all times. My joke of a title, Don't Just Sit There, DO NOTHING, the book is really, it's not about doing nothing, but it's about being able to disconnect from all of the messages, which because of social media, or just never-ending, to connect with our own inner voice. When we take the time to do that, when we connect with our own inner compass, we feel off. When we feel off, we know that we're off. In other words, I call it awareness. I say, your awareness is your superpower. The more you connect with your inner compass, the more you're able to feel when you're off. For me, honestly, when I get on social media, and I just started scrolling blindly, I'm often about 0.2 seconds. I realized that sometimes I do it anyway. I'm not saying that I'm perfect. The awareness is the superpower, because do I really want to be off 20 times a day? It helps us get that behavior under control, is by being aware and really being mindful of how we feel. What we should be looking for is a feeling of upliftment, connection, even neutrality, where you're just like, maybe you've learned something. The second you feel jealous, because jealousy is something that comes up a lot in social media, because people are posting from their egos. When the second you feel jealous, or you feel triggered, get off. Get off as soon as you can and do anything else. I even suggest to people, well, go turn on the TV. Even that is better than the way you get sucked in by the algorithms of social media. My other quick advice is to be mindful of the amount of time you spend. I say, if you've really gotten out of control, and you know when you have. We all know, do a timer, right before you enter your Instagram, enter your Facebook feed, press the timer, say five minutes. That's what I'm letting myself go on for. Then my one final piece of advice, which is really hard, but it's important. Don't sleep with your phone right next to your bed. [00:24:23] PF: Right. Yeah, that's super important. Because I know people that do that. I put mine on airplane mode at night. [00:24:30] JK: That’s really helpful. [00:24:30] PF: People are like, “What if something happens?” It's like, I will find out. I will find out later.” I will be rested and able to deal with it. [00:24:39] JK: Exactly. You'll be in your best shape. I tell people, so we cannot ignore the fact that we're all addicts when it comes to technology; social media, Google, etc. Google News, Apple news, whatever. We're all addict, because this is our first time in history where we're dealing with this kind of barrage of technology and information. Yeah, we're all addicted. We don't have to constantly put this source of addiction right in front of us. Somebody recovering from alcoholism would not sleep with a bottle of vodka right next to their bed. That's how we need to treat ourselves gently, but admit to ourselves that we're addicts, because we're human and we're dealing with machines created to lure us. [00:25:26] PF: That is so great, Jessie. Man, we could talk for hours, but they won't let us. This is terrific. You've given us so much to think about. Your book, we're going to tell people how they can find you, find your book, learn more about this. Thank you for the work that you're doing, and for spending time with me today to talk about this. This is such an important topic. [00:25:46] JK: It is such a pleasure for me, Paula, because my intention is to spread just a little bit of light. If we all do that, I think the world can change. [00:25:55] PF: I love it. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:26:01] PF: That was Jessie Kanzer, talking about how to create a healthier relationship with your social media. If you'd like to learn more about Jessie, follow her on her very healthy social media channels, or pick up a book. Just visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. Remember to check out those amazing puzzles at unidragon.com and get a 10% discount by entering the code Live Happy Now. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Celebrating Your Pets With Brittany Derrenbacher    [INTRODUCTION] [00:00:02] PF: Welcome to Episode 352 of Live Happy Now. There's a big holiday in February that's all about love, and it isn't Valentine's Day. This week, we're talking about National Love Your Pet Day. I'm your host, Paula Felps. And this week, I'm sitting down with Brittany Derrenbacher, a clinical mental health counseling intern and founder of Luna Bell's Moonbows, a special needs animal rescue. In celebration of National Love Your Pet Day on February 20th, Brittany is joining me to talk not only about what our pets do for us, but to look at how we can learn to celebrate them every day, and enrich our lives in the process. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:42] PF: Brittany, welcome back to Live Happy Now. [00:00:45] BD: Yeah, thanks so much for having me. I'm really happy to be back. [00:00:49] PF: Well, we have National Love Your Pet Day coming up. And of course, we thought of you, because you know pets, and you know how they work. And so I really wanted to talk to you about this, because we're all crazy about our pets. But they do so much for us that we don't even think about. So I wondered if you could talk, first of all, about some of the gifts that our pets are giving us that we're not even realizing. [00:01:11] BD: Yeah. I mean, I feel like this episode should really be called like the power of pets. [00:01:17] PF: Ooh, I like that. [00:01:18] BD: Yeah. Because I feel like the gifts that they give us are endless. I mean, really, we could sit here and talk about this for hours, because I think even if we were able to brainstorm through just an exhaustive list, I think there's still something that could be added to it daily, right? And I think it's most important first to talk about the joy that they give us. I think that is the most important gift that is so unique to animals, because it's that no strings attached kind of joy. And I think that there's like nothing that compares to that, right? I mean, the joy of coming home to our animals. And for those of us who work from home, I mean, I know for myself and probably for you, we’re super lucky that we get to spend time 24/7 with our pets and really soak up all the benefits. [00:02:09] PF: Yeah. [00:02:10] BD: But I think they also help us gain a sense of responsibility. So they're showing us this like unconditional love. And they're always there when we need them. So those are like kind of like the main things that you might think of when you think about, “Okay, well, what do pets give me on a daily basis?” Those are kind of the main things. But the unconditional love of a pet can do more than just keep us company, right? [00:02:35] PF: Yeah, it's a constant return on our investment, because it's giving us something emotionally. [00:02:41] BD: Right. Yeah. And that's really like where we get into – I kind of call it like the four benefits of pets in our lives. And it crosses a couple of different boundaries, but we have mental health, and mood boosting, grounding. And that is like connected to like outdoors. Physical health, which, of course is connected to exercise. And then socialization. So those are like the four main benefits I think that animals uniquely give us. [00:03:09] PF: That's cool. Can we dig into each of those just a little bit? [00:03:11] BD: Absolutely. Yeah. [00:03:13] PF: Because I noticed mental health is first. Because, as a therapist, I guess that is always going to be forefront for you. But I thought that's really cool, because we don't think about the mental health improvements we get from pets. [00:03:23] BD: Oh, yeah. I mean, it's estimated that 68% of US households have a pet. And I think that that number is growing, especially given the circumstances that we're in with COVID. I think a lot more people are bringing animals into their home that weren't able to do so before. So I love that you're having this conversation about the relationships that we have with our pets. And I think what better way to really honor the love for your pet than to have a day where we literally are talking about and spreading the message that owning a pet will change your life in more ways than just joy and love. And I really believe that the better we understand that human animal bond, the more we can use it to improve people's lives. So thinking of mental health, just off the top of my head, like interacting with animals has been shown to decrease levels of cortisol. So we're going to get kind of scientific here. [00:04:21] PF: We thought so. [00:04:21] BD: I know it’s your jam. You love that. But cortisol is the body's natural stress hormone. So just by virtue of interacting with our pets on a daily basis, we're decreasing that, which is awesome. But it's also really cool to know that if you sit there and pet your dog, your cat, whatever your pet is, for 15 minutes, that you're literally releasing all of the feel good hormones into your body. So you're sitting there. You're petting Morocco. You're petting Josie. 15 minutes. You're releasing oxytocin, prolactin and serotonin all into your body just by petting your, dog which I feel like is so cool. [00:05:02] PF: Yeah, that's amazing. Because there's not other ways to get it that easily, I don't think. [00:05:09] BD: No, I don't think so either. And I think like just thinking about being able to pet your dog and really hokes your body into that relaxed state. This is also super helpful in lowering your blood pressure. So it’s cool to think of like our dogs and our cats can lower our blood pressure. And I also realized, too, that you asked about mental health, and I kind of tiptoed into physical health. But even if we're just thinking about stress, like stress is mental health, right? And so these animals that we used to associate in the past with keeping outdoors, right? Animals weren't really considered in the past to be in home companions to humans. And now we have this understanding that animals in our pets can provide so much more to us than just having this fun dog to run around within the yard. They live in our homes, and they literally are bringing so much into our lives and nurturing our mental health, our physical health, just our overall well-being on a daily basis. And so not only do pets have the potential to decrease our stress, but they can help improve, like we were just talking about, our heart health. Like that's incredible. [00:06:25] PF: Yeah. And I think about how many times a day I laugh because of my dogs. And we know that laughter is so important and so cathartic. We simply don't do it enough. And even on days when it doesn't feel like there's a lot of things in the outside world to laugh at, they're going to make me laugh. They are going to deliver joy no matter what else is going on. [00:06:46] BD: Yeah. And like that deep belly laugh too, right? [00:06:50] PF: Yeah. [00:06:50] BD: But that goes back to those feel good hormones. And that's something that we're experiencing on a daily basis with our pets that I think it's very easy to take for granted or just not even realize. [00:07:01] PF: Yeah. Yeah, that's true. And so what about grounding? Because grounding is something I love. It's so important, and we don't get enough of this. And can you talk a little bit about what it is and why it's so important for our physical and emotional well-being? [00:07:17] BD: Yeah. Well, I also love to talk about grounding, because I think mindfulness is kind of inherent in the work that I do. And it's what I always try to help my clients with. But I really love to talk about how pets are our teachers. I think about most of the life lessons that I've learned in my life, especially from just the animals in our rescue, they've all come from dogs. They've all come from the animals that I've met in my life. And especially in the compassion fatigue for animal care professionals work that I do, I really stressed the importance of what our animals can teach us. And I think that they model resiliency to us, to humans, in a way that no one else can. I mean, even if you just think of like Josie and Morocco's story. [00:08:02] PF: Right, right. [00:08:04] BD: Like the resilience behind your dogs, and just where they've come from, and who they are now, and how interesting, and amazing, and loving they are. So there's the resiliency in that. And I also think that they have this beautiful way of teaching as mindfulness that no book can really do or no like Buru can. But they teach us like the cheesy saying, like, “Every day is a gift,” right? That is like the ethos, especially for dogs. And I'm not minimizing cats, birds and all the other pets out there that people have. But like – [00:08:36] PF: Have the hate mail, please. [00:08:38] BD: Yeah, no hate mail. No. Cats are hilarious, because I think that they just have this way of like just navigating life. Doing exactly what they want to do with no shame. [00:08:49] PF: Right. They’ll just give you that look that's like, “You're not going to do anything about it.” [00:08:53] BD: Yeah. But, yeah, our pets teach us that living each day is a gift, and living our lives with loving presence. And I love thinking about that phrase, loving presence. Because I think animals know that the ultimate point of life is to enjoy it, right? Like that is why we're here. And I think playing with our pets can take our mind away from problems, take our mind away from daily stressors, and really place this in the here and now. And that is literally like mindfulness 101, the here and now, and embracing the sacred pause. Tara Brach talks a lot about the sacred pause. And I think just that idea that truly living in the moment is such a huge gift that they give us. [00:09:40] PF: Yeah. And sometimes we might get in the mindset of feeling like it's frivolous to go play. But there is something very essential about that kind of frivolity and that kind of bonding that's taking place when you are playing, and the kind of joy that it's bringing to you. [00:09:55] BD: Yeah. And even just thinking about that, like physical nature of that, too. Physically, our animals encourage us to move. They are often why we have a connection with the outdoors, which I do think connects to that idea of grounding too, being outside, having our feet on the earth and experiencing life outside of our home. And even on days that we don't want to move, right? Like we don't want to get out of bed. Life is too much. And I the past two years with COVID, it has been this way for a lot of people, just the idea of like waking up and having to face another day in the middle of a pandemic. But especially dogs, they make us move. [00:10:41] PF: Yeah. [inaudible 00:10:41]. [00:10:42] BD: Yeah, yeah. I have to get out of bed every morning. I have to take my dogs for a walk. They need that. They need that to live and to enjoy life. And they really motivate us to play and seek adventure. So going back to that cultivation of joy that you were talking about and playing. [00:11:02] PF: And then like you said, it forces us to be in nature. And even if your nature is in the city, and all you're seeing is a tree at some point. But that is so healthy. And that's so good for our mental health and our physical well-being to just get outside and be present in nature for even 10 or 15 minutes. [00:11:20] BD: Yeah. Stopping. Smelling the roses. [00:11:24] PF: Yeah. Picking up the poop. [00:11:25] BD: Yeah. Stopping, taking a pause with the fire hydrant, whatever you need to do to be connected to the outside world. But even just like hiking, going to the park, walking or running through the neighborhood. For me, specifically, I love to do dog agility, and maybe even traveling. Going somewhere long distance. Packing up your animals and getting out of town. And that is something that I think is an amazing, unique thing to be able to do. And, I think, also in thinking about this, this really promotes human socialization. I think – Yeah, like, we often talk about animal socialization, right? But animals equally give us that gift as well. And being able to go out and do things with your pets and meet other humans. I think, you, I love hearing you talk about all of the people that you've met through walking your dogs. [00:12:24] PF: Right, right. That's the thing. We've told people who had like, say, they moved to Nashville, and they have trouble meeting people. We’re like, “Get a dog.” You will meet everybody. You will meet more people than you actually want to meet, because it's such a draw. And I did. I've met so many people and made lasting friendships with them because I was out there walking Archie. And it's pretty incredible. [00:12:46] BD: Yeah, I love that story. And like, for me, for agility. I've met so many people. And I see it's predominantly women that are doing agility. And I think it creates this community. They all do competitions together. They will travel together doing things with their dogs, and they're just active, and happy, and laughing, and enjoying life vicariously through and with their animals. [00:13:13] PF: Yeah. I’d say what a tremendous way to walk through life is to – When you really recognize the value of that animal companion and can really cherish it and enjoy it. I'm going to be right back with more of my conversation with Brittany. But I wanted to talk for just a moment about how to make your world a safer place. The online world can be an unpredictable one. And while we'd like to think that we're always safe, that isn't necessarily the case. As we spend more of our lives online, we increasingly find ourselves thinking twice before clicking on a link or opening an email. Or we might be worried about getting scammed hacked, or even falling prey to malware or identity theft. The good news is, there's great real time protection available for you and your family. When you use the browser extension, Guardio, you can do your thing online with complete confidence that every click is safe. You can run a free security scan right now to see what threats are on your browser. And then if you're interested in their protection, it 20% off your plan when you sign up at guard.io/livehappynow. That's guard.io/livehappynow. And now, let's get back to my conversation with Brittany Derrenbacher and learn more about the many gifts our pets give to us. One thing that you do that I find so important is the work that you're doing with – You have an emotional support dog, and you're helping others deal with trauma with a pet. Can you talk about how that works and kind of some of the work that you're doing? [00:14:49] BD: Yeah. This is probably, like you said, my favorite topic to discuss, because I really get to see firsthand how much animals can help humans in a handful of supportive ways regarding mental health. I love to use animals in therapy. We have a lot of special needs dogs that I think uniquely are able to teach other people lessons and teach them like really cool things about being imperfectly perfect, right? [00:15:17] PF: Right. [00:15:19] BD: And there are therapy animals, emotional support dogs, service dogs, psychiatric service dogs, seeing eye dogs. Like I feel like I could go on and on. Like physical rehabilitation. Animals that visit hospitals to visit children that are recovering and going through chemo treatments for cancer. There are therapy dogs as crisis intervention after traumatic events. This is something that I'm really specifically interested in, because I think it's an incredible service that is available that most people don't know about. And that's that trained dog handler teams are called to sites of crisis and provide comfort, and provide stress relief, and emotional support for those that have been affected by natural disasters or mass shootings. For example, there's the Tree of Life synagogue shooting. They brought in a team of handlers and their dogs to provide support. This happened at Sandy Hook as well, and Virginia Tech massacre. But there's really some wonderful research surrounding this topic. And I think that a section of human animal interaction of the American Psychological Association is really doing an amazing job of presenting on these topics and bringing awareness of understanding about the human animal interaction. And I think, for us specifically, in the work that I do, going back to Violet, she is a 40-pound bulldog with hydrocephalus. [00:16:52] PF: Okay, tell us real quick what hydrocephalus is for people who don't know. [00:16:55] BD: Yeah. So hydrocephalus is literally water on the brain. And it is an accumulation of that fluid that has nowhere to go. And so you'll kind of see like a dome-shaped skull on the animal's head. And this is a condition that our rescue is very passionate about. It happens to humans as well. And a lot of times, dogs can have mild symptoms and live really long, beautiful lives. And sometimes it is a hospice situation where we give them the best life that they can for as long as possible. Violet has very mild hydrocephalus. So she is doing beautifully. She's not on any medication, and she is just absolutely wonderful. And again, like has that resiliency and is able to share such a beautiful story. But yeah, she visits nursing homes, senior memory care facilities, college campuses in the therapy room with me. And one of her favorite people to visit is a 101-year-old Holocaust survivor. [00:17:56] PF: Oh, that's so cool. [00:17:56] BD: Yeah, that is incredible. He loves it. I think he's able to really like tap into this childlike joy that he hasn't been able to experience in a long time. And one of the first stories that he told my husband, when Violet went to visit, was that it reminded him so much of his childhood dog. And so now, when Violet goes to visit, like it is expected, like, “Where's violet? When will she be here?” So yeah. [00:18:22] PF: That's fantastic. So we know that pets give us so much. Like they just give and give. And even when we don't treat them well, and we don't treat them as well as we should, they are still loving and they give to us. So when we're looking at Love Your Pet Day, what can we do to be better pet parents? How can we better return that kind of affection and meet the needs of our pets? [00:18:47] BD: I love that you asked this, because I think that we really owe it to our pets to give back to them as they give to us. That has really been like my goal in life, especially with rescue work, is to try to give back as much as possible to these animals. But I think it's also important to even just raise that as a question, right? Like we shouldn't just be asking what animals can do for us. We should also be asking what we can do in return for them. And I really do believe that the most important thing that we can do is constantly provide that love and stability. Patience. Patience is really key, right? [00:19:24] PF: Yeah. And not always easy. [00:19:25] BD: Yeah, exactly. And positive reinforcement. I also like to tell people, like give them their time. Stop rushing them on the walks. [00:19:35] PF: Yeah, this is a great topic. And that's something that you and I have talked about. And I want to dig into that a little bit more, because that is so important, and it's easy for us to forget. So like can you talk about that just a little bit? Like how can we learn to be more mindful of giving them their time and making those walks their time? [00:19:55] BD: Yeah. And I think that's where we can really embrace the tools that they teach us of mindfulness and being present, like taking that deep breath and saying, “Okay, I'm going to leave the house and really be in the here and now with my dog because this is their jam. This is literally what dogs are on this earth for, is to roam, and sniff, and explore, and enjoy their life.” And how many times do you – And I'm guilty of this. But how many times are you out and you see people really pulling their dogs along and they're trying to sniff the fire hydrant? They're trying to sniff the grass? And they're like, “Come on, come on, come on, let's go.” Imagine being in HomeGoods and you are in the pillow aisle, right? You're looking at those soft throws, and then someone's behind you like nudging you on like, “Come on, come on. Let's go, let's go. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up.” Why would we want to do that and deprive our animals of that joy, and being able to do something that they're just like so excited and pumped to do? I mean, that is literally [inaudible 00:20:58]. [00:21:00] PF: Yeah, yeah, because I've tried to get really thoughtful in terms of when I don't take my phone with me when we go on walks anymore. And that makes a big difference. And when we were in Nashville, and we would see – At the dog park, like see people. And their dogs out there running around, and they're just on their phone. And it’s like, “Oh, my gosh, you're missing out on this whole opportunity to play and interact before you go lock your dog up in an apartment again.” So that's one thing. I've ditched the phone on the walks. And I really tried to take it. Like when they stop and are sniffing, it's like really use it a time to take a breath and really like start looking at my surroundings. Like let me be as inquisitive as they are about what does the air smell like today? And what is the sky doing? And it really makes a huge difference in resetting your day when you go back to your office. [00:21:50] BD: Oh, yeah. I mean, it's like literally doing a body scan in nature with your dog, right? And I love that you mentioned putting the phone away and just, again, incorporating that loving presence that we talked about earlier. I think, for me, uniquely, I'm often having the conversation on the other side with people because I specialize in pet loss grief. And I often am having conversations with people about what they wish they had done, and that they would do anything to be back in those moments with their animals. And so I think that's something that's important to keep in mind, too, is like really allowing ourselves to enjoy these moments when they're given to us and be present, and just connect with our animals, and just embrace the beauty of life, and not be stuck in a situation in the future where we are analyzing this should have, would have, could haves. [00:22:46] PF: Right. Yeah. Because I know some times we're given notice that we're losing a pet. And sometimes it happens very quickly. And I've had it go both ways. And I had one that I lost very quickly, and it was like, “Oh, my gosh, if I had known that was my last walk with her, I would have walked for an hour.” I just would not have stopped. [00:23:06] BD: Endlessly. Yeah. [00:23:07] PF: Yeah. And so I think that's a great mindset to have. Not that, “Oh, my pet is going to die.” But like I have to look at every moment I have, every chance I have to interact with them as a valuable one. [00:23:18] BD: Yeah. And I think like now there's science behind it, right? There're so many studies that have been done showing what animals can do for us, just reducing the loneliness and increasing the social support, boosting our moods. Literally saving lives in regards to depression and grief. And we are given an opportunity every day to embrace all of those unique gifts and qualities that animals can give us. And like why would we not embrace that and soak it up every chance? [00:23:50] PF: That's right. That's terrific. So yeah, so we have this one day where we'll talk about Love Your Pet Day. But I think it's a great practice to be able to enter every day as Love Your Pet Day. So what would be like your advice? How do we keep that top of mind so that we really do change that relationship with our pet? [00:24:12] BD: Yeah. I really think just embracing that animals don't ask for much in life, and are the gifts that keep on giving. And they also teach us to be better humans, right? They teach us to navigate life in a smarter, more beautiful way. And so just continuing to talk about how awesome life is with animals and how amazing the human animal bond is. That's what I love to talk about, is the bond that we have with our animals. It's just so incredible. And it's unlike anything in life. And even just having conversations like this where maybe someone will listen to this podcast and say, “You know what? I'm going to go to my nearest shelter, and I'm going to adopt a dog today, because I want to like live life with this kind of joy.” Like that is a unique gift. And that is a message worth spreading. [00:25:08] PF: That's excellent. Brittany, you always have so much to say about pets, and you're doing such incredible work with humans and animals. So we're going to, of course, have our landing page and let them learn more about you and where they can find out about some of the work that you're doing. But thank you. Thank you for coming back and talking pets with us. [00:25:25] BD: Yeah, thank you. [OUTRO] [00:25:30] PF: That was Britney Derrenbacher, talking about how pets benefit us and what we can do to enrich their lives. If you'd like to learn more about Brittany and the work that she's doing, just visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Practicing Kindness With Brooke Jones  [INTRODUCTION] [00:00:03] PF: Welcome to Episode 350 of Live Happy Now. The chaos of the world around us is creating an uptick in anxiety, depression, and an overall sense of disease. But today's guest says we can find peace, even in the midst of chaotic times. I'm your host, Paul Felps. And this week, I am talking to acclaimed speaker and author, Udo Erasmus, who has impacted the lives of millions with his teachings on health, peace, nature and human nature. He has combined his master's degree in counseling with an extensive education in biology, nutrition, and genetics, to discover a deeper understanding of the human condition, and how each of us can create a foundation of peace and harmony to discover better mental and physical health. Let's start learning. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:50] PF: Udo, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:52] UE: Hi. I'm glad I get to do this. [00:00:55] PF: I'm very glad to talk to you. But what we want to really talk about today is all the change and the uncertainty that's going on. And obviously, psychologically that has created so much unease and disruptions. Can you explain to us why we find change so difficult? [00:01:13] UE: Well, we don't find change difficult. What we find difficult is when the change goes faster than we can comfortably handle it. [00:01:20] PF: And right now that's happening. [00:01:22] UE: Yeah, because everything on the outside is always changing. Right? Everything. The sun shines, and then it goes down, and then it comes up again. And then it goes across, and then it goes down. Change. The wind blows. Everything bends, right? [00:01:35] PF: Sure. [00:01:36] UE: So we live. Everything on the outside is surface, is changing, starting and ending. And the rate of change depends on what it is. Nature's changes are more easily manageable than the mental changes that we're used to having to deal with these days. And so change is always – We're always dealing with change on the outside. And what most people don't know, or at least don't give enough energy to, is that in the core of our own existence is the only thing that doesn't change. Now, we've been misled, because I know there's a guy who said, a president who said, the only constant is change. Everything is always changing. That's not true. Everything that can change will. That's true. But there is something that never changes because it can't. And that is called peace. And that is the foundation of our existence. And we can tap into it by going deeper inside than our mind and our emotions. And that same peace is also the container within the entire universe unfolds. [00:02:52] PF: So right now, a lot of people are having trouble finding that peace. It's hard for us to settle our minds enough. I hear people talking about I cannot meditate right now. There's so much noise, and so many distractions, and so much uncertainty, and they have trouble finding that stillness. So how do we go about finding peace in the midst of all this chaos around us? [00:03:17] UE: Right. Okay. So when you can't find the peace within you, it's because you're in your head, in your thinking, trying to – Because it comes from the outside. You absorb it, and then you process it, and you have to process. And you have to give that some time. But remember, at the same time that you're processing, and having a hard time with it. Remember, at the same time, the peace that is the core of your being is not affected. Not affected by any change ever. It is still there. So if you're not fascinated by the change, as much as you're fascinated by peace, it'll be easier to get to the peace. Reason why we get caught up in it is because we're fascinated by it. And a lot of what we're fascinated by is actually not real. [00:04:11] PF: What is it? What is it that's drawing our attention away? Is it because of the noise? The social media? The news? [00:04:15] UE: No. Well, the reason why, our senses are attracted to change on the outside. And that's a biological survival mechanism. We're all made like that. Because the moment something changes, whether it's visual, or auditory, or feeling, we have to assess it. Is this friend, in which case we embrace it? Is this foe, in which case we either run our fight? Or is this irrelevant, in which case we ignore it? But the moment something changes, we have to make that assessment. So we're drawn out to change. And whether that's change on the idiot box, on the television, or whether it's change in the outside environment. We are made to do that, because we have to do that for survival. Okay? But most of the changes that we're tripping on, or a lot of the changes we're tripping on, are just human created. Somebody wants to get your attention. They just do something like that. Right? If I'm in a room and I have an audience in front of me, and behind me the door opens, I instantly lose my audience. That's just the nature. Change attracts us. So we have to maybe look a little bit harder than we used to have to, to see whether the change that we're attracted to, whether it's actually relevant. One of the easiest ways to do that, turn off your television, because they get your attention, because they want to get your attention, because they're trying to sell you something. Turn it off. I did that when it got really crazy. I turn it off, and I'm sitting in my living room. It's like, “Oh, my God. It is so peaceful in my house.” Right? But I turned on the television. So I actually created the noise box. [00:06:11] PF: And let me ask you, because I'm a huge proponent of shutting off the news, and drowning out some of that noise. There are people who say, “Yes, but –” Then you're going to be uninformed. You're not going to know what you need to know is going on. So what would you say to them about how they balance that? [00:06:28] UE: I would say, first of all, it's changed because they want to get your attention. And most of what they tell you, you don't need to know. The idea of finding ways to get your attention has an agenda that doesn't serve you and certainly doesn't serve your peace. But that's sort of some other agenda that they have that they don't even necessarily tell you. So what I did, I used to be an avid news watcher, because I was always thinking, “Is there anything that isn't covered by how I understand peace?” So for me, it was kind of like a project. And I've never found anything that is not made better by a little more peacefulness, or a little bit more of the unconditional love that life has for your body. So we are in our essence. We are actually unconditional love. And that love is omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscient in our body. And it runs everything, even though it weighs nothing. I like that experience more than the experience of getting scattered and getting chaotized by all the manufactured change that people keep pushing in front of me. So I have a place, and I make it a practice every day. I take time to shut off my distractions, to turn off my televisions, to turn off my noise gadgets, my phones. I have one lying on the couch. I just disconnected the battery. So it doesn't disturb what we're doing right now. I can do that. But I can do that when I'm not talking to you too. [00:08:06] PF: Yeah. So let me ask you. Let's talk about this for a second. Because if people are used to being distracted, and used to having that noise, it can be very intimidating to suddenly go quiet. So if someone decides, “Alright, I'm going to unplug.” What are some of the steps? What are the next steps then that they need to take? [00:08:24] UE: If they're used to distraction? Yes, we are addicted to change, and we're addicted to doing things, and we're addicted to thinking. And then refuse sit down for a minute and you're not thinking at all or you're trying to sit really still and close your eyes, lead everything outside, and just be present in the space your body occupies. And what does it feel? That's hard. And then people say, “Oh, that's boring.” Yeah, well, then I say to them, “Fall in love with boredom,” because you're on the right track. And notice how much peace there is in your boredom. You say you want peace and you can't get any peace? The peace is in your boredom. And you're on the right track because you're going deeper into your being and you're out of the distractions, but you're not quite into the inner light, and the inner sound, and the inner contentment, inner love that is a little deeper than that. So you're on the right track, because you've already distanced yourself from the crazy world of change. But we're addicted to it because we're so used to it. And it takes time to sit still and do nothing. Get really quiet. See how quiet you can become. And then see how deep you can go into that quietness. And then see how long can you stay there. And while you're doing that, slow down your breathing. Make it calmer, lighter, and just experience what that feels like. What do you see inside? What do you hear inside? What do you feel inside? And when you get good at doing that, you discover that everything that you look for in the world, all your fulfillments all your hopes and dreams, you're actually trying to get to that place inside, and you're chasing it on the outside. And that's why you don't find it there. Because it's not on the outside. For every human being, we came into the world loaded with it. It's within us. Our wholeness, and our feeling loved, and our feeling cared for, and our peace are a part of our nature built into us. [00:10:33] PF: And that's fascinating, because not everyone feels like they've had that. And you were a child of war. You came into the world under duress, and not under peaceful situations. So you understand this better than anyone, that there are a lot of people who feel like they have never had peace in their lives. [00:10:52] UE: Yeah. Maybe some people need a war before they take peace seriously. But even if you're not born in a war, the discontent, the ache in the heart that comes from unfavorable changes, right? Somebody dumps you, or your grandmother dies, or you have an agreement with someone, and they break the agreement. And then you feel let down. You feel disappointed. You feel grief. You feel sadness. You feel loneliness. You feel blues. All feelings we feel in our chest. And that feeling is actually our heart calling our awareness to come back home to life. Because we were there when we were in our mother's womb. I call it the Buddha tank. Right? When you're in the Buddha tank, before you're born, there is no place to go. Nothing to do. Everything's taken care of. And it's safe, relatively. So where's your focus of awareness? Well, it didn't have any place to go. You had no language. You had no culture. You were just like a little biological being floating in the tank and the body was getting built. You weren't building it. You were not responsible for anything. And so your awareness, or your focus, was at rest inside, in its source, in life, and behind that in awareness. And you’re a whole, enlightened. Filled with light. Lit up from within. In peace. In unconditional love. And then when you were born, then you had to get to know the world. Your senses took you out. You got disconnected from inside. And that's where heartache began. That's where that feeling, that uncomfortable feeling in your chest began. It's always there. Now we distract ourselves from it, because we don't like it, or we deny it, or we try to explain it away, or we ignore it, or we blame it on somebody. And what I say is, now, when you feel that, when you feel like when your heart aches, that's a really good time to sit down. Be completely still, and just feel it. Don't judge it. Be with it. Accept it. Acknowledge it. Maybe even embrace it. Because it's the greatest gift. Heartache is the greatest gift you've been given other than being alive, because it's your call to come home. Heed the call by sitting in it and this far behind it. Like less than a hair's breadth behind your blues, or your loneliness, or your heartache. This far less than a hair's breadth behind it is your wholeness. You can't skate around that heartache. You actually got to drop through it, into your wholeness. And then you're back in that place where you were before you were born. And that's the exalted state that all the masters talked about, Buddha, and Christ, and Krishna and all of those guys. They all talked about a stillness practice, and becoming present. The kingdom of heaven is within you. Right? And the master lives in that kingdom. The master is actually life. Energy is the master. And that is also Christ. And that is also solar energy. Because we are solar energy gadgets. And that energy comes through green plants. We eat the plants. The solar energy is stored in the bonds between atoms and molecules. We break down those molecules in our cells, that energy is released, and that's our life energy. And that energy, when we experience it by going into that energy within us is the master experience. Experience the direct personal internal experience of life energy. And like I said, you can see it. You can hear it. You can feel it. So you say in your darkness, there is light, and you are that light, and that light is the master. In your silence, there's a sound, the sound of silence. And in your emptiness, there's love. You're deep enough. You experience some calmness. Your whole – There's nothing do you need to do. We have all of that, that we think we need to be getting somewhere. We have all that within us already. I would say thank God, because if we lost it, if it wasn't always with us, we'd probably misplace it. Where did I put my glasses? Where'd I put my peace? Oh my God! Oh, I got to find it. No. It's already within you. And you only always have to bring your time inside. Now, you have things you got to deal with in crazy times. And that's important. But it's also important that you take the other side. The confusion, the chaos and the peace, live within us at the same time. And if we understand that, and we get good at negotiating between the clutter and the peace, then we can literally go wherever we need to go at will, anytime we want to. But that takes practice. And we tend to go out into the world every day automatically through our senses. Coming back has to be deliberate. And we don't tend to deliberately do that. That's why we're good at going out and getting caught up in all the craziness. And not very good at going in and staying in the peace, in the midst of that craziness. [00:16:18] PF: Yeah. And I think something I hear over and over right now is people are looking for that calm and peace. But as you said, they're not able to really take that time. They're not willing to take that time. And so much of this is related, as you've said, to past trauma and unresolved emotions. But another thing we see going on is fear. And that's the fear of what's coming, and the division that's happening right now. And just a huge tidal wave of fear is going on. So what do we do to manage those feelings as well? [00:16:51] UE: Not different. The peace is still within you. The most important thing is to understand. The peace will always be peace within you. It will never be affected by anything going on in your world. The unconditional love that life has for your body will always be unconditional love that life has for your body, independent of whatever's going on. And when it comes to dramas, and traumas, and all of the things that we – And everybody has a long list of those. There is not a kid who wasn't traumatized in one way or another. Because there are no perfect parents. No perfect children and no perfect situations. So we all have that to deal with. And how do we deal with it? One as we think through. Maybe made decisions that aren't working for us anymore. When we had trauma, and then we got caught up in the trauma. And then we play it to ourselves over and over again. Maybe the trauma happened once, but we recreated it 1000 times, right? So we have to deal with what that was. And we may need to learn some things about to how to avoid it, and how to deal with it and all of that. But ultimately, we want to go back to the peace and the love and relearn, or refocus, to be able to live for life instead of always living for the memory of a trauma. [00:18:18] PF: Yeah, that's a huge step for someone to be able to do that. [00:18:22] UE: Yeah. It's not easy, but it's possible. [00:18:25] PF: Right. [00:18:25] UE: The first thing is you got to know that that light and that peace are within you. The second one is, do you want that? And that's really, I think, the big question. And do you want that more than you want all that other stuff? Because your focus is going to go to what you like the most. If you like change the most, and you like adventure the most, and you like chaos the most. And now then it goes too fast. But you're addicted to change and to always be monitoring change. And turning off the television set is the very easy thing to do physically. It’s not supposed to be mentally, right? And so what does it take to fall in love? If you spend time and you practice, you discover, you are magnificent in your nature, even if you got warts on your nose and hairs on those warts. You are absolutely beautiful, absolutely magnificent. The idea that dust, and water, and a little bit of air, and a little bit of solar energy can mix up together in this way for you to have the human experience with all its dramas, and all its traumas, and all its feelings, and mood, and thoughts, and creativities, and beauties, and uglinesses. That dust, and water, and air, and solar energy can have that experience. What an incredible gift. Because water by itself can have that experience. And dust can’t. And air can't. And solar energy can't. But all put together, the way you've been put together through a whole biology that took billions of years to put together, you get to have the human experience. So there's a reframing that we can do. But the more important thing is that we know, no matter what is going on, there is a peace that is available to us, that is accessible if we learn how to access it. It's worthwhile to learn how to access it, because the world you live in is created by wherever your focus goes. So if you're living from peace, you live and create a peaceful world. If you're living from anger, you're going to create enemies where there aren't even any, because anger requires an enemy, and then you create a world of enemies. If you're fearful, then you look for danger. And if there isn't any, you’ll imagine some danger into being. And then you live by hiding or whatever it is that you do with fear, right? But we could live in heaven on earth if we actually did the homework, to come back home to ourselves on a regular basis, and then drag that beauty, that peace and that love into what we do in the world, and we create a world out of that. Why we have so much craziness going on? Is because we haven't done that for 200,000 years. [00:21:37] PF: How big a role does having a support system play in this? How important is that? And how do you create one? [00:21:43] UE: Oh, well, that's a double-edged sword, the support system. Because when you're leaning on the support system, then you keep accepting and promoting and going along with stuff that is absolutely destructive. But if you can stand on your own feet, you have that peace within you, whether anybody agrees with you or not. Whether you have any support for it or not. The support you have is that there's a hunger, there's a pain, there's something inside. Like, “I need that.” And that power of you needing that, your need. It's kind of like when you're thirsty, what kind of support group do you need in order to pour yourself a glass of water? You don’t need a support group, but you need some water, right? And when it comes to peace in chaos, you don't need somebody else to give you the peace, because they can't. This one, it doesn't come from the outside. Water comes from the outside. This one doesn't come from the outside. This one is already on the inside. You already have it. It's only a shift of focus of awareness that is a required. And the ache – That's why the ache is such an important. That's why it's such a gift. Because if we didn't have the ache for it, we would get lost, and we would never find our way back to the piece that is in us. So this is a huge gift. The greatest gift we have other than being alive is when your heart aches, is when you feel the need. But we don't get it explained. So probably the best part of this particular episode is I'm reframing it for you. Greatest gift, calling you home to yourself, where your magnificence, where your awesomeness, where your life and where your peace live. [00:23:32] PF: That's really beautiful. Udo, you have given us so much to think about. And you're talking about change. You're changing the way we think about our own traumas. And that is really – That truly is a gift. [00:23:45] UE: Right. But not just changing the way to think, but then doing the homework to sit and relax into it and let go into it. This is not a doing. This is an undoing. The thing everybody says, “Well, how do I do that?” Well, if you want to go to being, which is the foundation, because you can be without doing, but you can't do without being. So this is the foundation. You have to undo. You have to stop doing. And that's hard for us, because we're addicted to doing. So sit through the addiction until you find your home. [00:24:18] PF: I love it. [00:24:19] UE: It's not easy. And I'm not trying to make light of the difficulty people are having, but it's possible. [OUTRO] [00:24:29] PF: That was Udo Erasmus talking about finding peace in chaotic times. If you'd like to learn more about Udo and his teachings, or follow him on social media, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Overcoming Toxic Positivity With Whitney Goodman [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Welcome to Episode 348 of Live Happy Now. We all know that positivity is good for us, except when it isn't. And today's guest is going to teach us how to tell the difference. I'm your host, Paula Felps. And this week, I'm joined by Whitney Goodman, the radically honest psychotherapist and founder of the Collaborative Counseling Center in Miami. Whitney is the author of the new book, Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy. She's here to talk about what toxic positivity is, what it does to us, and how to manage it in ourselves and others. So let's find out what she has to say. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:40] PF: Whitney, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:42] WG: Thank you so much for having me. [00:00:44] PF: Well, this is a terrific topic for us, because it's something we're starting to hear a lot about. And it can be confusing because of course, we always think of positivity as being a good thing. I mean we are Live Happy. So of course, we love positivity. But your book gives so much great insight into toxic positivity. And to kick off the conversation, can you explain to us what toxic positivity is, and then tell us how it's different from healthy positivity? [00:01:15] WG: So toxic positivity denies an emotion and tells us that we should suppress it. And when we use toxic positivity, we're basically telling ourselves and other people that this emotion shouldn't exist, it's wrong. And that we can try really hard to eliminate it entirely. And I really look at toxic positivity as being the unrelenting pressure to be happy all the time no matter what the circumstances are. And when we compare that to healthy positivity, healthy positivity is when we're able to make space for reality and hope, right? So we can recognize the value of seeing the good, but allow people to arrive there at their own pace and to reach their own conclusions rather than sort of like pushing this on them. [00:02:05] PF: And you had your own journey with toxic positivity, which you described very well in your book. Well, when did you start see it becoming more prevalent in other people? [00:02:16] WG: So I think I didn't really realize what it was when I was experiencing it. Especially as women, I think we're used to being told like to smile and to be happy. And there's definitely a pressure to appear a certain way. And after I became a therapist, though, I noticed that a lot of my clients were complaining about this behind closed doors, but they felt like a very similar pressure to show up in the outside world. And I was like, “Wow, I'm not the only one that feels like this. Everybody else is kind of feeling like this is a little bit uncomfortable.” [00:02:50] PF: What do you think is driving that right now? Because I have a friend who's a therapist, and she said she has seen it so much in her practice. And I'm just seeing little things pop up about it here and there. So what's going on with making us aware of it and what's pushing it forward? [00:03:08] WG: I had an article that popped up on my phone today that said like, “10 ways to be happy during the pandemic.” And I was like, “Wow, what an ironic title.” And I think that really speaks to this whole thing that's going on that you're talking about. That we're under so much stress, especially over the last couple of years that it sort of feels like you have to be happy. Keep it all together so that you can keep working so that people won't be upset with you, so that you can be seen as like a good person. And it's becoming so overwhelming for people. I think everyone's really hitting their breaking point of like, “I just can't pretend anymore. It's too heavy.” [00:03:50] PF: And there's got to be some harm involved in faking it. We have all heard the whole thing about fake it till you make it. But there's also a real harm in suppressing or denying those emotions. Can you tell us what it's doing to us? Because you're seeing it in your office every day. [00:04:07] WG: Yeah, absolutely. And I talk about this a lot in the book that suppressing emotions does not work. They typically just intensify when we suppress them. And we see this reflected in the research that if I tell myself, “I can't be angry. I need to get rid of this feeling. I'm going to cover it up.” It just ends up coming out in another way and usually 10 times worse. And sometimes we're not aware of how that is happening. The other thing that happens is that it really makes our relationships very difficult, because if I don't feel comfortable sharing, then neither does anybody else. And we can't connect over a lot of these shared difficult experiences, which is really what makes relationships feel closer. And we end up feeling like alone and isolated in the end and often very like weird or messed up because we're having feelings that we don't see other people experiencing. [00:05:04] PF: And as you mentioned, the pandemic really did exacerbate things. And is part of that because people were at home. They're not feeling great. But then when they get on a zoom call, or they're talking to somebody, it's like, “Yeah, it's all good.” And they don't even have that one on one interaction that someone else can read that things aren't the way that they're saying they are. [00:05:26] WG: Exactly. And with the pandemic, I think one of the ways people coped was by trying to pretend that everything was normal. And this is denial. It's a coping skill, right? And especially a lot of like bosses and leaders that I heard from my own clients, like they were almost demanding that their workforce show up with a positive attitude, because it was too heavy for them to deal with the reality of what was actually going on. And we see this a lot, especially at work. [00:05:59] PF: Yeah, so let's address the leadership aspect of this for a minute. And then I want to talk about it from a parenting standpoint as well. But as a leader, what can you do to make sure that you're not forcing positivity upon your people, and that you're really hearing what they need? [00:06:15] WG: There's a lot of ways that I think we can deal with disruption, with people being upset in the workplace, complaints, things like that, that are really effective. So just showing genuine like interest in your employees’ lives is really important. Asking questions. Showing that you care about them more than just what they can provide for you. And showing empathy. There's a there's a lot of studies that show that people really recall when their boss has been sympathetic versus unsympathetic. And also, really emphasizing the meaningfulness and the importance of the work, people tend to perform better and feel better when there is some type of value within the work. And also just treating people with respect, trust, integrity, all of these really normal human things that I think sometimes get pushed to the wayside in favor of like productivity or numbers. [00:07:10] PF: And did that become more difficult for bosses during the time when you've got a lot – You've got remote workers now, and you're not doing that one on one interaction. So is it easier for them to kind of not see them as a human, but see them as a performance machine? [00:07:26] WG: Sure. And we have to remember that the bosses are also dealing with all the same things as their employees during this time. And I know, I felt that as a therapist, it was this weird moment of like I'm living through the same problem as my clients. And a boss might feel that with their employees that it's like they're under so much pressure as well. That it's hard to always be on. And I think the more humanity we show and feel like, “You know what? I'm scared. I'm dealing with this too,” the easier it is to connect. [00:07:57] PF: And so what about parents, because their kids might be going through the same thing. Or they might even unknowingly or unconsciously be promoting toxic positivity by saying, “Just cheer up. It'll be fine.” So how is it different when we're dealing with our children and helping them get through this? [00:08:14] WG: Yeah, there's such a cultural expectation of like, “I just want my kid to be happy,” right? Or all I care about is your happiness. And so we start instilling this in kids from a young age, and it makes sense. Like happy kids are easy kids. And so parents, I think, have to be careful to not overvalue one emotion, like happiness, and try to encourage kids to show a wide array of emotions and model those emotions themselves, because they all have value and meaning. If we felt happy all the time, we would get nothing done. And it really wouldn't be that great of a life, to be honest. [00:08:55] PF: What are some of the signs that we can see in ourselves that we might be falling into that toxic positivity trap. [00:09:02] WG: So some of the biggest examples are when you are trying to talk yourself out of feeling something, being upset about something. That's legitimate. And some examples of this would be like I shouldn't be over this by now. Or I should be happy. I should be grateful. I know I shouldn't complain about this. But it's like adding these caveats before we talk about something that is upsetting us, or that is a legitimate issue in our lives. [00:09:30] PF: So what should we be doing instead? [00:09:33] WG: So instead, I recommend that people try to really get to the root of what's going on and validate their emotions and also figure out what they need. So I talked about this in the book that we need to figure out if we need like validation or a kick in the butt, right? And sometimes we can over validate ourselves and get stuck. And then on the other end of the spectrum, we aren't giving ourselves any validation. We're just using toxic positivity and we don't get anywhere. So I recommend that people look at like, “Okay, what am I feeling? Where might this be coming from? Is there something that I need right now?” And that might mean more encouragement? It also might mean more rest? And that's going to differ depending on the situation. [00:10:18] PF: And how do we work through that? Do you suggest like they journal it? Or how do we unpack what we're actually feeling as opposed to what we should be feeling, or what we think we should be feeling? [00:10:30] WG: So whatever you're feeling, it’s just a response to either like incoming stimuli or something you've been more comfortable feeling. So I want people to kind of approach their feelings with just like a neutral view, right? There's not anything like good or bad. Then you can start to figure out like what is this like in my body? How do I experience this emotion? Then kind of look at where might this be coming from? And that requires us to take inventory of our day. And sometimes it's that we had an interaction with someone that set us off. It could also just be that like, “you didn't sleep well, last night, and you need to drink more water.” So trying to help people get in touch with like what do emotions feel like for them? How do they typically label them? And what are those emotions telling them? [00:11:23] PF: So it definitely just takes a little bit of getting still with yourself and really going inward, which a lot of people don't want to do right now. [00:11:30] WG: Exactly. And I don't blame them. It's really uncomfortable. It's hard. [00:11:36] PF: Yeah, yeah, it is a lot of hard work. And because we've been through so much, like as you noted in the last couple of years, I think there's a lot that we just were like, “Ugh! I am –” It's like that closet door that it's like you've put all your junk in and it's like everything's just going to come falling out and make a big mess. So I don’t want to do it. [00:11:53] WG: Exactly. And sometimes we do have to go into survival mode. There were points of the pandemic where I was advising people to do that. And it's not a time to unpack like your deepest traumas and emotions when you're in the middle of a crisis. It can be too much. But we also don't have to use toxic positivity to get through that. It's okay to say like, “I'm just surviving right now. I need to get through this. And I'm going to deal with whatever I'm feeling when I have the time and the space to do that.” [00:12:25] PF: Yeah, that's excellent advice. And obviously, sometimes, it's not just us. Like we can accept that for ourselves and say, “Alright, I am just going to do my bare minimum, and make it through this.” So what about when the people we're talking to are the ones with the toxic positivity? And first, you give some excellent examples of phrasing and responses that we might not recognize as toxic positivity. Can you talk about that? Some of the keywords, if you will, that are toxic responses, versus what we really need to hear? [00:13:00] WG: Yeah. So I think it's important to note that positivity becomes toxic when it's used with the wrong people at the wrong time and about the wrong topics. So some of these phrases can be okay in certain situations. But they become toxic when they're not helpful for those people. So some of them might be like, “Everything happens for a reason.” “You need to be positive to get through this.” Or “God will never give you more than you can handle,” can be a typical one for people, especially if they're not religious. So thinking about some of these phrases that we really hear very often, right? Or like, “Be grateful. It's not worse. At least it wasn't X.” We’re trying to put a positive spin on something that isn't positive. [00:13:49] PF: So how do you even respond when people do that? Because I know, I've been in those situations. And my response is usually just like stare at them with an open mouth. Like you did not just say that. After my father died, I came back from – I'd been off for about four days and went back to work. I was working at a newspaper at a time. And my lifestyle editor came up and said, “How was your time away?” And I said, “I was at my dad's funeral.” She goes, “Yeah, but it had to feel good to get out of the office.” [00:14:17] WG: Oh my gosh, yeah. [00:14:18] PF: And it's like, “No. That's not helping.” [00:14:21] WG: What a silver lining. Oh, my goodness. [00:14:24] PF: So how do people deal with when someone responds and it's not helping? [00:14:30] WG: I think it's important to decide what role this person plays in your life. So there have been times where people at like the grocery store say something like that to me, and I might be like, “Thanks,” and walk away. That's an option. If there are people that are close to you that you want to teach, I think it can be helpful to say, “I know you're really trying to help, and that is not a helpful thing to say.” Or to even respond and say, “Actually, it was really hard.” With your example, my dad passed away and it was a sad time even though I was out of the office. And really trying to like teach people what is helpful to you, especially those repeat offenders. You can say like, “When you say these things, it's not helpful. I would really appreciate if you could just listen to me or help me with dinner.” Giving people other suggestions. Because most of the time they think they're helping. That's the really like tricky thing about this. [00:15:27] PF: How do we kind of educate people to pull them out of that and really teach them what we need in terms of support? [00:15:34] WG: Yeah, I think that's the central message of my book, is that these people are not toxic. They're just kind of repeating the same thing over and over, like you said. And so we can teach people that it's okay to not feel happy all the time. That it's actually normal to have negative emotions. And also offer them concrete strategies to help us in the future. So for some people, that may mean, “It would really be great if you could give me a hug, or if you could cook dinner, or if I could just talk about the problem without getting any advice,” and try to be very deliberate and direct about the type of help that you need. Because if we don't tell people, we can't really expect them to know exactly what would be helpful to us. [00:16:21] PF: Right. And sometimes we don't know what we need. So what do we do at that point? Other than read your book, which then we find out. But when we're not really sure what we need, but we just know that I don't need you telling me I should feel better, you know? [00:16:37] WG: Yeah. And that's enough. If that's the one thing that you know in that moment, it's okay to say, “This really isn't helping me right now. And I don't know what kind of help I need right now. But when I figure it out, I'll let you know.” Because I know that overwhelming feeling when you're struggling of like, “Gosh! How am I supposed to figure out what I need and then tell someone.” And you might be in a place where you're not ready to do that. And so it's okay to just tell someone like, “Hey, this isn't helpful,” and stop there. And get to a place where you can kind of learn what might be helpful for you. And that takes time. [00:17:14] PF: And part of it is just releasing the feeling that you should feel a certain way. And one thing that you talked about that I found so interesting is the shame cycle. And I wanted you to talk about why does toxic positivity create a shame cycle? And what does that look like for people? [00:17:35] WG: Yeah. So whenever we use some of these things against ourselves that I talked about, like, “I know I should be grateful.” “I should be more positive.” “I shouldn't be feeling this way.” It creates a feeling of shame, because you're essentially gaslighting yourself. You're telling yourself like, “I know you're feeling this thing, but you shouldn't be feeling it. And I need you to stop right now.” And this makes us feel isolated, alone, and really unable to manage our own emotions. And so we kind of like retreat into ourselves with this shame. What would be more effective is if we could say like, “I'm having this feeling right now. It's legitimate. It's real. And I know that other people have felt like me, too. I know that this is okay to feel this way. And I'm going to get myself through it in the way that works for me, and that isn't harmful to me or to someone else.” [00:18:27] PF: What does it do if we stay in that cycle of shame? What is it emotionally and even physically do to us? [00:18:35] WG: Well, it's exhausting, right? If you constantly feel like you need to be performing, or then it makes you a bad person if you succumb to that negativity. You're always going to feel less than and like you're not doing enough. It also ties back in with the emotional suppression that we were talking about that it's likely going to start impacting your sleep. It can impact your relationships. It can impact your mood throughout the day. It leads to an increased likelihood for things like depression and anxiety. There's a lot of negative consequences to excessive emotional suppression and shaming yourself for feeling. [00:19:13] PF: So what's the quickest way that you advise someone to get out of that when they're doing that “I should” and they're throwing themselves into that spiral of shame? Do you have any tips for getting out of that quickly, kind of like jettison out your little escape hatch? [00:19:28] WG: Yeah. The most effective thing I think is using the word and. So if we use the example of you've just lost somebody, they've passed away, you can say something like, “I am feeling sad, and I have other people around me.” If you're really someone that's prone to going into that positive mindset or the toxic positivity, trying to name your feeling that you might typically classify as negative. Add the word and. And then you can say something good, or neutral, or positive about your life. And what that does is it allows us in our brain to recognize both the good and the distressing, and make room for both and not deny one in replacing the other. [00:20:16] PF: Yeah, that makes so much sense. And another thing that I really liked is you talk about complaining. And obviously, nobody wants to be around someone who complains all the time. But you have great news for people who like to complain. Because as you say, that there are certain benefits to complaining if it's done right. So this is a two part question, is one, we're going to talk about why it's beneficial. And then I'd like you to kind of school us on how to complain properly. [00:20:46] WG: Yeah, you're right. Complaining gets a bad reputation, right? But complaining does show you what is important. It can help create change in the world. It also helps you get feedback from other people, process your emotions. It's also one of the main ways that we gain sympathy, attention, or express dissatisfaction. So complaining has a lot of use, and eliminating it entirely would actually not be very helpful at all. But you're right, that we can get stuck in our complaining and make it very ineffective. So I recommend that when people are complaining, they use facts and logic. They know their ideal outcome, and they understand who has the ability to make that happen. And what the research shows us is that when we use those three criteria, complaining ends up being quite helpful and effective. [00:21:41] PF: That's awesome. Yeah, we should all write that down, like those three little things. So every time we start, it's like we can check it off. Make sure we're doing it right. Because I love that. I love that aspect of it. So I know that we're running out of time. But I've got a couple more things. One, I really want to talk about how do we learn to balance negativity and positivity. Because both of those things are important to have in our lives. And either other too much one or the other isn't good for us. So how do we learn to strike that balance? [00:22:14] WG: I think we really go back to that word and that I was just talking about and trying to allow ourselves to recognize both and make space for both. And also realizing what situations we might benefit from a little bit more positivity or that kick in the butt that I talked about, and what situations are really just hard, and there is no silver lining. I talk about like grief, infertility, parenting, all these really difficult topics where positivity might not be that helpful in some of the situations. And so recognizing in your life, like, “Is this a season where I just need to ride this out? Or is this a time where a different attitude might be helpful to me? [00:23:01] PF: That's really wise to look at it that way. And this book has so much great information. It's really very timely, and very thoughtful, very well written. And what is it that you hope that your readers take away when they put this book down for the final time? [00:23:20] WG: I hope that everyone who reads this book feels human after reading it, and that they're allowed to feel a wide variety of emotions. And I hope it gets people talking to each other about what they're going through, instead of hiding. [00:23:35] PF: Yeah, it definitely has the power to do that. As I said, it's something it's so well written and really takes us on this journey. So I appreciate that you wrote it. And I thank you for taking the time to sit down and talk with us about it today. [00:23:48] WG: Of course. Thank you so much. This is great. [OUTRO] [00:23:55] PF: That was Whitney Goodman, talking about toxic positivity. If you'd like to learn more about Whitney and her new book, Toxic Positivity: Keeping It Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy, or follow her on social media, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast link. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]