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Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Managing End of Summer Anxiety With Eli Weinstein  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 381 of Live Happy Now. We've hit the end of summer. For many people, that means dealing with end of summer anxiety, and it's not just for kids anymore. I'm your host, Paula Felps. And this week, I'm talking with Eli Weinstein, a social work therapist and host of The Dude Therapist Podcast, who is here to talk about how we all can handle that end of summer anxiety and head into fall with a brand new game plan. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:30] PF: Eli, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:32] EW: Thank you for having me. Super excited to be here. [00:00:34] PF: This is a great topic for us to talk about because it's the end of summer, and that means end of summer anxiety. So we are already living in a time when anxiety is really high. So what is it about the end of summer that then increases that a little bit? [00:00:53] EW: I think when we have the summer mentality, we kind of take a step back, relax a little bit, take our foot off the gas a lot, and relax. I remember when I was in grad school or even in college, and I actually had summers off. Going back into the “real world” was so scary because you haven't had to do it for about two and a half months. So for a lot of people, getting back into the swing of things or even if they haven't been off, but their kids have been off, getting back into that routine again, it is something that scares a lot of people, myself included. [00:01:30] PF: Yeah, because it does disrupt the parent. As parents, we've gotten used to a slower pace. You don't have to get the kids up, get them out the door, get them to school unnecessarily. Now, that's all getting back into this more serious mindset. So what are some of the ways that parents respond to that? What kind of anxiety are they feeling? [00:01:49] EW: Well, overwhelmed, right? It's the overwhelming feeling of, “Oh, my goodness. I have to go back, and shop, and go to the stores, and get them new clothes, and stock up the fridge and the cabinets with all the different odds and ends that your kids might need. Then it means less free time to you, less relaxed time for you because now you got to be on. From the second that clock turns a certain time in the morning, it is just go, go, go all day, and it's not as relaxed. So the hardest part for a parent is that morning get out and that nighttime put down to bed, right? When you don't have to do it for a couple of months, you kind of get used to that, and you forget the stress that comes with it. Then all of a sudden, it comes creeping in like a little spider, right into your mind about the idea of like, “Oh, here we go again. It's about to go down.” That's where everything starts to bubble, the what ifs, the who knows, the how's it going to go, and what's this year going to bring. How are my kids going to function this year versus last year can be very, very anxiety-inducing. [00:02:53] PF: That's such a great point, like last year compared to this year. Your kids are changing. The world is changing. So what was anxiety-producing for them one year might be completely different the next year. [00:03:05] EW: Yeah. The past couple of years, when they might not have had to go to school because of the pandemic, that was a different stressor and how maybe schools are open. I think a lot of the schools are open now or having hybrids or whatever situation is in your area. Getting used to that, having a couple of years off from that as well, is even more pressure because you haven't really had to do it for a couple of years, maybe at least one or one and a half years. Now, you have to really relearn what works for you in that morning routine and that night routine to get things kind of the ball rolling when it comes to the stress level. [00:03:42] PF: So let's unpack this because we've got this big old ball of stress that's going on, and the whole family is wrapped up in it. So where do you start? Do you start taking care of yourself? Or do you start with your kids? Or how do you start untangling that? [00:03:56] EW: Yeah. So for me, one of the biggest things I would suggest is if you do have a partner in crime in your life, I would sit down and talk to them to try to talk them and say, “Okay, here's what I'm feeling. Here's what's going on. How can we make this work?” Because whether it's the mom, the dad, two moms, two dads, whatever the structure of the family unit is, stress is across all human beings and, of course, parents and their children. So create a team. Create a unit. Don't just leave it all to yourself. Especially if your kids are old enough, figure out how to include them in it. So let's say, for example, a big stressor is packing lunches or breakfast in the morning, where it's just like, “Go, go.” Things are flying. It's overwhelming. You're getting dressed. They're getting dressed. You haven't had your coffee yet. It's just nutso. [00:04:42] PF: Chaos. [00:04:43] EW: And chaos, right? So make a team effort, right? What can you do the night before that relieves the stress? What can your partner do as well as you, so it's not just on you because that's unfair and unrealistic? Because your life matters as much as everyone else, no matter what your responsibilities are outside of the home. So make a game plan. Every single sports team in the history of the world, before a game, make a game plan before the game. So they don't get to it and go, “Well, we weren't prepared for this. I don't know how to deal with this.” [00:05:16] PF: We didn't know that we’re going to have – [00:05:18] EW: “We didn’t know they had that,” right? No, no, no. You should have prepared, and we should be prepared as parents. So it means sitting down, making a game plan, maybe a schedule, maybe a rotation. Maybe it means sitting with your kids, if you have kids in high school, who are older, who don't need as much micromanaging and on top of them to get them out of the door. I have a three-year-old daughter. I can't let her get her breakfast herself. That's just not going to happen. We're going to have Fruit by the Foot every single morning, and she can reach it, and we haven't moved it yet. So not ideal, right? So you maybe include the older kids to watch the younger kids or have the older kids make their own breakfast, so you don't have to. Maybe it means setting up the clothes the night before. Who knows? There are many ways that have to work for you and your family. Then once you get the game plan down, try your best to trial and error. If it doesn't work, don't be stuck on it. Switch it up. Be flexible. Try a different formula. Make it work for you and your family, and make sure that it doesn't all fall on you. [00:06:17] PF: That can be tough because even though you set up this game plan as like, “This is how we're going to do it,” we have old patterns, and it gets really easy to fall back into those and all these great intentions of we're going to distribute the responsibility. It just kind of goes out the window, and one person is back to doing the whole thing. So how do you keep them with a sports team? How do you do these little huddles to like keep everybody in the game all the time? [00:06:42] EW: That's the struggle of communication and relationships and family, right? It means constantly checking in. When I grew up, my family always had dinner together, which I found out wasn't a regular thing. But that means if things feel out of whack, if you are really uncertain or overwhelmed, it doesn't mean that others aren't doing anything. It just means that you need to talk to them to see what has to be rebalanced, an equilibrium amongst everyone. So it's checking and say, “Hey. I've been feeling like I've been falling back or I just feel like things are kind of out of whack a lot recently. Is it just me or –” “Oh, yeah, yeah. I haven't really been pulling. I’ve been busy.” Communicate. Talk it out. Sometimes, the biggest key, like you said before, is starting with yourself to become aware of your old patterns so that you can have checks and balances with your partner to say, “Hey, can you keep a lookout to see if I'm going to be doing X, Y, and Z that I always do that ends up making me overwhelmed and makes me stressed? And then I put so much pressure on myself. And then I yell and I scream,” and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So just start by becoming aware in the ideas that are running your life. Then, oh, my goodness, when you start becoming aware and self-reflective, the patterns that you can recreate and become aware of the old patterns to kind of stop them in their tracks can be something that de stresses and creates a better functioning you. That's really, really fun to see. [00:08:04] PF: Just that idea of creating a routine eliminates so much anxiety. Why is that? Tell us how that works. [00:08:12] EW: Sure. Because our brains are made to function on consistency and routine when things are the unknown, right? What's going to happen next? It’s not what we need for survival. Our brains are bred and are coded for survival, and survival equals I know what's going to happen, so I know how to deal with it. If I don't know how to deal with it, I'm going to freak out. My brain is going to go in survival mode and start to panic. It is the natural tendency that we do and go to when things are uncomfortable, overwhelming, and unknown. But when we can create a somewhat because we can't make everything perfect, and nothing's ever perfect, but a somewhat assumed or knowledge of what can be every day, then we know what to expect. We know how to attack it. We know how to defend it. We know how to figure out, and we even navigate what's going to come. That's why it's super important to know your own schedule, your kid’s schedule, and everyone's on the same wavelength and the same game plan. So you know how to weave and dodge and move from any potential stressors because you know what's going to come. [00:09:27] PF: As we hit that end of summer, is it good to do it like this fast pivot? Or how can we ease into it? So it's not such an abrupt, “Oh, hey. It's summertime. We're having a great time,” and all of a sudden, well, it's gone. Now, you're not going to have fun. [00:09:41] EW: Yeah. I think Labor Day is like that. [00:09:44] PF: Turning point. [00:09:45] EW: The turning point. So it really depends on the person. Some people are good on the fly, right? Some people are good with, “We got this. Next day, we're done. We're ready. We're good. We're golden.” Some people need two weeks or three weeks to prepare. It really depends on the person. The fun thing about anxiety is that even if you prepare, it still might come up because life can be stressful and uncertain. So it also means having compassion with yourself that even if you either do it last minute, or you do it in the right time for you, it doesn't mean that you're going to all of a sudden erase any anxieties that might come up. It just means that you're better equipped to handle it. It also means that if it does come up, that you need to give yourself a lot of compassion, that you're just doing your best. I think we forget that sometimes as parents. We forget that it is so hard to run our own lives, and now we're responsible for little humans and their lives, that we have to just do our best. As long as they are healthy, alive, and out the door in school, if their socks aren't matching, it's not the end of the world. If they don't have the most nutritious snacks, but they are happy with their snacks, not the end of the world. If they get to school, and they're doing well in school, that is the key, if they're making friends and socializing. But all the little things that we overwhelm ourselves with and stress about usually aren't the biggest deal. But we make them a big deal because our brain is so easily focused on those small things as “failures or mistakes or issues” that we hyper focus on them and make ourselves eat ourselves alive by them. So give yourself some grace and compassion to let go sometimes and realize that your kids are doing the best they can. You're doing the best that you can. As long as they're going out the door and healthy, you are a successful parent. [00:11:27] PF: Well, let's talk about social anxiety for kids because that's a huge problem right now. If a child has that, then going back to school can be really traumatizing for them. So what are some ways? One, how does a parent differentiate between a child just being anxious about,  a little nervous about going back to school and having an actual social anxiety situation that needs a little bit more attention? [00:11:55] EW: Yeah. I think the first thing is sitting down with your kids’ open-ended questions about their new school year, right? Asking them not just yes or no questions, but leading questions to understand and learn about them. Your goal as a parent is to help your kids grow and to understand them and be there with them through that journey. Every kid's got the jitters before school. I know I did first day of work, first day of school. All that first can be very – Because you don't know what to expect. You don't know what's going to bring into this year, into this semester, into the new teachers, the new classmates potentially, or even the new you that you've figured out over the summer. So sit down and say, “Hey, what are you looking forward to this year?” “Nothing.” “No, no, no. We don't take single-word answers. We got to have real conversations.” I mean, sitting there and saying, “Hey, I got your back. I'm going to be there to support you. I want to make sure you're okay.” Being a little nervous about school in general is really healthy. Even having some social anxiety can be a survival tool, if you feel in danger or unsafe. So if they come out to say that, find out why. Is there a bully in class? Is there a teacher that they really don't like or a class that they're really nervous about failing? If it really is that serious, I beg of you to get help earlier than later. Because the later you do it, they are building habits and patterns in their life, in their brain to avoid the situations more than confronting and dealing with them in a healthier way to navigate and cope with it. But social anxiety makes sense, right? We've been hiding for how many years. I mean, all of a sudden – [00:13:27] PF: It’s been a couple. [00:13:28] EW: A couple, right? Now, we have to go into the real world. But also, you have to learn about your kid. Each kid is their own unique universe. So don't be frantic and get scared right away when they're a little anxious about social world. Maybe they're growing. Maybe they got a crush at school. Maybe they're going through puberty and uncertain about their bodies or themselves. It has nothing to do with anxiety, anxiety, but more about uncertainty of self-confidence and self-esteem. So really, just start learning, watching, paying attention to your kids, being in the moment, being present, putting your stuff down and focus on your kids, and really kind of being aware. When you start becoming aware of your kids and asking the right questions, you can really learn how to help them. [00:14:10] PF: Yeah. Are there any things that can be done in the morning, like practices you can do in the morning? As we've said already, it's just chaos, trying to get out the door. Everybody, make sure you have your lunch. Make sure you've got this, and we're going to get everywhere on time. That in itself can spike your anxiety. So what are some things maybe that can be done realistically because we know there's a lot to get done in the morning? What are some practices that can be implemented with children to kind of make that easier? [00:14:39] EW: Yeah, for sure. I feel like we can get a lot of hate from parents right now. But maybe it means waking up a little bit early yourself, right? Because I think a lot of times, what happens to parents is that they're so frazzled with the morning routine. That because they're frazzled and kind of on edge, they're kind of embracing that feeling a little bit and maybe projecting it or expressing it some way or another on their kids, which then rubs off on them. Then it's just chaos ensues. So waking up 15, 20 minutes earlier than what your kids and when your kids are supposed to wake up or their alarms can be the difference maker of you having your morning coffee alone, quiet and calm. So I would, one, start there as a parent. The other thing you can do prior to the day, even starting the night before, prep a little bit. 30 minutes of prep the night before can be the biggest difference of any insanity that can be created the next day. I know we have long days, myself included. My wife and I do our best to try to prepare as much as we think we can or we have the energy to. If we don't have the energy to, that's okay. But if we do have the energy, go for it. [00:15:45] PF: So let's talk about like at the end of the day, when you kind of – Everybody's in the house. Are there any practices that families can use to kind of stay in touch with where everyone's anxiety levels are, kind of check in, and then also just create more calm that sets it up for the next day? [00:16:03] EW: I'm a big fan, and I always said this earlier of like eating together as much as possible, even if it's once or twice a week. But if you can, try to have one or two dinners a night where actually everyone puts their phones down, and you just talk. No pressure. Just to hear what your kids – Not how was your day. What was the favorite part of your day, right? Open-ended questions, right? How was your day? Fine. Right, one-ended, so that one word. What was your favorite part of the day? Oh, when I went with recess with my best friend, Joe, and we really had a great time playing kickball. Or what was the hardest part of your day, right? Just to learn and hear about what they have to say, creating a conversation with the family. I'm a big fan of game nights or movie night. Something that is family-oriented. Also, just be conscious of how long your kids. Give it a couple of weeks. Don't force it because the beginning is a lot for their brains. So don't be offended if they're just tired and overwhelmed. Give it time. Don't push it. It's about the relationship and about the connection long term and not about forcing a scenario right now. [00:17:04] PF: For all of our best efforts, sometimes it doesn't go like we would want it to. When does a parent know that they need to get help as a family or that a child might need – Their anxiety might need outside help? [00:17:18] EW: If it's out of your purview, if you realize that you are just out of your depth, and the school can't deal with it anymore, or the school keeps talking to you about how, “Hey, your kids are just not themselves,” you know your kid better than anyone else. You're there with them every day. You've been with them every day of their lives. Open your eyes, open your heart, and open your mind to see them for who they are right now. If you see that they are not themselves, it doesn't hurt to just call someone to talk to them. After one or two assessments or sessions, the therapist says, “Your kid’s great. They're just [inaudible 00:17:51].” Now, you know. If they say, “Hey, maybe they need a little extra talking to,” you did your due diligence. It never hurts. I want to make this very, very adamantly clear. Your kid is never broken, that needs to be fixed. Your kid might need some space that is not you that can help them. It doesn't mean that they're broken. No one can fix them because they're not a problem that it means put back together. It’s not on a puzzle that broke. So be aware, be conscious, and open your minds, hearts, and eyes to your kids. If you see they're not themselves, talk to somebody. If you can't help yourself, find someone who can. [00:18:27] PF: So as we go into the school year and the summer, get it all cranked up. What is the one thing that you really hope parents take away from this? What is the thing that you want them to keep first and foremost in their mind? [00:18:39] EW: Take a breath. Make a plan. Do your best. That's it. Just take a breath, make a plan, and do your best. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:18:52] PF: That was therapist, Eli Weinstein, talking about how to curb end of summer anxiety. If you'd like to learn more about Eli, listen to his Dude Therapist Podcast, or follow him on social media, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. If you haven't visited our Live Happy Store in a while, this is your friendly reminder that we have several cool new items to help you celebrate your positivity, including our fabulous new Live Happy Now Podcast t-shirts and some brand new journals. Check them out when you visit our store at livehappy.com. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Learn How to Ditch the Devices With Florence Ann Romano  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 380 of Live Happy Now. As we go back to school, it means kids are spending even more time on their screens. So, what's a parent to do? I'm your host, Paula Felps. And this week, I'm talking with childcare advocate and author, Florence Ann Romano, about the importance of balancing time on devices. Florence Ann is a big fan of ditching the devices and discovering off-screen play. And she's here today to talk about how parents can get a handle on their children's screen time, and maybe improve their own screen habits in the process. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:39] PF: Florence Anne, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:42] FAR: Thank you for having me. [00:00:44] PF: We are headed back to school. And this makes it the perfect time to sit down and talk with you. Because as we head back, it makes managing our children’s screen time even more challenging than maybe during the summer. So, I guess to start, do you have any different guidelines for different age groups about like how much is too much time? [00:01:05] FAR: It’s really going to depend on the circumstances of the family. You don't have to follow these parameters necessarily and be like, “Okay, if you know they're three-years-old, it's only going to be 30 minutes a day.” I think it depends on what you need to use the technology for. And I've never been someone who is a stickler for rules consistently necessarily. I know that may sound funny. But what I mean by that is you have to be flexible. Depending on the day, depending on what's going on with the kids, you may need a little more screen time than less. And that's okay. I think people get caught up in this idea that it's balance, balance, balance. And every day is not going to be balanced the way you may define it. Certain days may be more balanced than others. And I think giving ourselves a lot of grace with that is important. Because if you don't, then you're really setting yourself up for failure. So, seeing what the needs of the day are, I think that's the first way to try and vet it. [00:02:11] PF: Oh, that's a great approach. I was talking to someone yesterday, and we were talking about Gen Z. And he was bringing up the point like when he was growing up, if he wanted to research a paper, he went to the library. If he wanted to talk to a friend, he used to telephone. If he wanted to take a picture, he used a camera. And he's like, “Now, that is all in one device for these children.” So, when people complain about too much screentime, he's like, “They're doing some of the same things we did. They're just doing it all on one device.” [00:02:39] FAR: Mm-hmm. And isn't that amazing, right? In terms of – [00:02:41] FAR: Oh, yeah. Yeah. [00:02:43] FAR: I know. It feels like there's so much. There's so much that we're technology-wise being inundated with in our face. And it's a lot to sort through. But the idea of having technology is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be educational. It can be very useful. And I think that knowing that we can use it in ways that can be beneficial, that's also a good way to approach it. Because if you're only looking at it as entertainment and not educational, then you can be really hard on yourself about allowing technology. It's just the idea that you're using it as needed. And you're using it in ways that are going to, again, be beneficial to kind of the rhythm of the day. And if you're just sticking your kids in front of the TV or their iPads all day long, then yeah, I would say there's a problem with that. But that's not what we're talking about here. We're just talking about the idea that there needs to be regulation, and then also finding the space for where it can be educational and entertaining. [00:03:53] PF: Right. And how do you get a handle on screen time when it is? It's not might be anymore. It is required for school. We had a situation in our family where a certain niece was allegedly doing her homework, and it sounded a lot like video games. And turned out that’s what we were doing. And so, how do parents work with that situation? Because, yes, you want to send your child. Go to your room. Do your homework. That's great. How do you make sure they're doing this? [00:04:23] FAR: Making sure that they have a routine I think is what it comes down to. You want to be able to give them consistency in that sort of way, because I think it helps them become more disciplined. It helps them become more responsible. It also helps them be able to deal with the day. And I think even as adults, we see this. When we're in a routine, when we're productive, when we're –We feel like we're operating at our best selves. And children feel the same way too. So, if there can be some structure where, “Okay, chores, and homework, and some screen time, and some reading time, those are things that they can depend on then.” And as long as they have the expectation, they're going to be set up for more success in that way because they get used to it. They know. They know what is expected of them. And so, you're teaching them a lot of responsible lessons there. [00:05:24] PF: That's a really great point, because you can look down the road and see how teaching them to balance these things is going to have effects on their careers and on their relationships down the road. [00:05:35] FAR: Exactly. And I think it's important for us to remember that we're raising our children because they're going to be adults. They're going to have to have professional relationships. They're going to have careers. They're going to have romantic relationships, all of these things. And so, we're setting them up for success as adults. And they need to learn about critical thinking, and all of those different things, when they're younger, because that's going to inform how they are as, hopefully, a very operational adults. [00:06:13] PF: That's a great approach. I love that. And one thing that you've talked about, too, are the implications of spending too much time on a screen. And so, I want to deal with in a few ways. And let's start with what it's doing to young brains, if they are just on devices, that they're constantly on a screen, how does it affect their brain development? [00:06:30] FAR: Well, you want people to think outside the box. Not just children, right? We all see these people that come up with all of these inventions and unbelievable breakthroughs, things like that. It's that’s because they're thinking outside the box. And you go back to what was childhood like for them? What did they learn? How did they play? How are they creative? And that to me is so interesting, because that I think is the real sweetness of it all, is this imaginative play part, where you are allowing the creative juices to flow. You are allowing a child to imagine, and create, and inspire. And the way they do that sometimes is through boredom. The way they do that is by having those tablets taken away from them. Playing with people. Socializing with other kids. Learning how to share. How to be empathetic. All of those different things. I think that leads to a lot of – Shapes the person in a really significant way as they grow up because they were allowed the chance to imagine. And I think we can't de-emphasize that in our lives today, where there's different ways to raise kids, right? Now, versus then, old school, new school. But I think one thing that is evergreen is that we do need to continue to be able to raise our children with the emphasis on figuring out how their brains work. What they know? What they're passionate about? And then giving them the chance to really express that. [00:08:11] PF: And are there any tips on play that you can give? So, when you take that screen away, after the screaming stops, what are some ways in play that you can engage them that will really start those brain synapses firing? [00:08:26] FAR: Well, you can do things that maybe don't necessarily feel like learning. Tricking kids into learning. Maybe you're going to bake. You're going to bake a cake, or cupcakes, or do something like that. You're going to be teaching math skills to them. They don't know it, but they are going to be doing that. And that's fun. It's helping their brains work. It's creative. It's tactile. It's really about kind of masking it sometimes for them. And also, the option. Giving them options. Making kids feel like they have a little more control than perhaps they think they do. So instead of just saying, “Give me that iPad, and you're doing this.” You could say, “Okay, how about we can either read a book? We can make a pizza? Or we can go swing on the swing set?” Give them options for things that you want them to do that they're all healthy options, get them off their iPads. But make them feel like they're involved in the decision making. [00:09:25] PF: Oh, that's terrific. I love that. And one thing that you mentioned was empathy. And can we talk for a minute about what too much screentime does for emotional regulation? And how we can start offsetting some of that? [00:09:40] FAR: The idea of emotional regulation has always been interesting to me, because I think we see a lot of meltdowns happen because of overstimulation. And I grew up with a brother with autism. And Michael still has autism today. But him, as an adult even, we see him being overstimulated and he can be on his iPad a lot, non-technology a lot. And he plays this game called Angry Birds that, oh my gosh, he goes crazy when he loses. And sometimes we have to take that iPad away because it makes him too upset. And I see this even with neurotypical children. It's not going your way, or you’ve just been binging a show. Or you're on social media, and it's starting to make you feel bad about yourself because you're comparing everyone you see on social media. Sometimes you need that break. And I think we can all feel ourselves being overly stimulated by technology sometimes and seeing that sometimes it really is affecting us negatively. And it takes stepping back from it to sometimes realize that that's what's happening. I know for me, if I've been on the computer all day, or I've been on social media too much. And I can sometimes feel a little depleted. And I'll wonder where that feeling is coming from. And I'm like, “You know what? It's because I've been plugged in too much today. I need to go for a walk. I need to get outside. Or I need to call a girlfriend and have a chit chat,” or whatever it is. But it's about removing yourself from the situation. Changing it up and changing the environment. And you do feel better when you do it. [00:11:16] PF: 100%. I did that yesterday. I had four-hour-long Zoom calls during the day. And by like five o'clock, I'm like, “I'm going outside. I don't care what I do.” I'm not just – I will walk around in circles. It doesn't matter. [00:11:30] FAR: Exactly. Right. And that's important, though, for your brain, for your heart, for all of it. [00:11:35] PF: Yeah, and it's hard with kids. Because when they get into that mode, we know these apps and the games get really addictive. And they just hunker down, and they don't want to go outside. I think that's a big difference. We wanted to go outside. There were three channels, let's face it. I didn't want to stay in and watch it. That was a thing. Like, we wanted to go outside and play and do all these things. But when kids are resistant and reluctant to do that, how can we get them engaged and make it something that they do voluntarily that they start looking forward to? [00:12:05] FAR: Again, it's about giving them options. It's about allowing them the opportunity to do things that are going to give them some sort of sense of purpose, and entertainment, and joy. And again, giving suggestions, I think is also important too. Parents will say to me all the time, “I can't stand hearing from them that I'm bored.” I’m so tired of hearing that. And I also don't want to have to entertain my kids all the time. And that's very fair. You don't want to have to entertain your kids all the time. And you shouldn't have to. But, for example, there are these great sensory kits that you can buy, you can make, you can do. Montessori moms like them a lot. And you could set it up for them in the kitchen and bring them in and say, “Here you go. Now, figure out how it works. Create something. Here's a puzzle.” You can give them the tools, but then you can walk away and you can say, “I'm going to come back in 20 minutes. I want to see how you're doing. And show me your great work or whatever it is.” You don't have to sit there with them unnecessarily oversee it. Depending on the age, of course you don't give them anything that's a choking hazard or something like that. But you certainly can walk away and come back and check in and allow them that independence. [00:13:21] PF: Now, what kind of joy do they have when they start getting the sense of accomplishment offline and start finding these other tactile ways to experience life? [00:13:31] FAR: It seeing the confidence come from them, where you feel like they're able to figure out a little bit more who they are, and see that their personality is coming through and their interests are coming through. And acknowledging that with your children I think is important too. I would see some of my friends’ kids. They would be on stage at a recital or something like that. And they'd come off and give them flowers. And you'd say, “Oh my gosh! You were smiling so big. You looked like you were having so much fun.” And then that opens the conversation with them for them to elaborate on the fun that they were having. How it made them feel. And you'll always be excited to hear them say – Even if you say to them, “I'm so proud of you. That was so brave. That was so beautiful.” Whatever it was. And hearing them reflect back to you sometimes saying, “I'm proud of myself too.” That's the holy grail there. Allowing a child that moment of self-awareness. [00:14:34] PF: Oh, that’s beautiful. So, obviously, you're an expert at this. Do you see differences in children who are spending less time on screens and those who are always plugged in? [00:14:45] FAR: I see that the combination of those things. I always say, everything in moderation. I do find that children that are exposed to a little bit of everything, it makes for a much more fragrant popery in life. You want them to be able to have a lot of different life experiences so they can pick and choose the things in their life that are going to interest them and the ways that they can make a difference in the world. And so, yes, I think that by just limiting, and also compartmentalizing, and also exposing them to all sorts of different things culturally in society, environmentally, all of that, it just makes for a more well-rounded individual. And us as adults should constantly be challenging ourselves like that, too. We should always be learning and growing. And we should expect the same from adults that we do from children. [00:15:39] PF: And that's a great point that I wanted to talk about. Because as parents limit screen time for their children, they do kind of need to take stock of their own time being spent on screens. And you talk about how children or even our spouses feel when we are constantly on our devices. Can you talk about how our screen usage affects others? [00:16:02] FAR: I think it can significantly decrease our social skills. I think that – Look at what happened during COVID. I think we saw – When we were no longer a part of the village. When we weren't with people anymore. And all of a sudden, life started to open up again. And all of us were kind of like, “I kind of liked being in my yoga pants and watching my Netflix, and not having to go to that party.” And even me, who was a very social person, found myself struggling coming out of COVID having to be social again. Not that I didn't know how to talk to people. But I did find that maybe my skills were a little rusty. Making sure I was being an active listener. Making sure I was being present. And I think that I noticed those skills. Again, they didn't go anywhere. They're still there within me. It's just I didn't have a chance to practice it in a while. We saw that with children too, when they weren't in school. When they did finally go back to the classroom, it was harder to concentrate. Maybe an already shy child now was even more shy because they were able to isolate. They were able to kind of de socialize in some sort of way. So, I think you could see this in many different capacities. And COVID actually was a really good example of how when we do stop socializing, how it can impair you. [00:17:30] PF: For adults who are in the situation where now they're spending a lot of time on their devices, how can we kind of correct that and become more aware of how much time we as adults are spending on devices? [00:17:46] FAR: I think it's always difficult for us to preach to our children about getting off technology when we as adults have a really hard time doing that ourselves. Ad walking the walk and talking the talk. I've seen a lot of families be very successful, where they actually use a timer, where all of them have to put their devices away. And it's maybe during dinner time. Or maybe it's after everyone's done with homework, and they're going to have a little family time. And they're all maybe not even going to talk to each other. They're all going to do like a family reading session. Everyone picks up their book. They all gather around, get real snuggly, and read. Again, it's about understanding that it's not the quantity of the time. It is the quality of the time and also leading by example as adults. Showing them, “This is something I do myself.” Instead of, “When I have some downtime between meetings, or between Zooms, or whatever it is, I pick up my book instead of my phone, and I read maybe a couple chapters. Or I go outside. Or take a walk around the block.” It's showing our spouses, showing our partners, showing our significant others that you also are prioritizing them in that time. You have a half hour free. How about during that half hour, we take a walk around the block together? Or we're going to have lunch together real quick. Or whatever it is. Again, it doesn't have to be the quantity. Because it's very difficult in life to be given quantity of anything when we are all such busy people. But those small moments lead up to big results. [00:19:19] PF: Yeah, and sometimes we have those great intentions and we say, “That's what I'm going to do.” It's like, Florence Ann is right. I'm going to do that from now on.” And then you get the work text, or things like that happen. So, how do we maintain those boundaries? Because I know so many people who are like, “I've tried. Like, I tried to just set it aside.” But then you're concerned about your mother. You're concerned about work. You're concerned about all these things that you might be missing. So, how do we chill our minds out and except the boundaries that we need to set? [00:19:51] FAR: Boundaries are hard. Because people assume when you say the word boundaries, that all of a sudden it means that there's rejection or that they're wrong. Or that it’s a dirty word when you say that. People get like their shield up in some sort of way. Communicating, that's the first rule of any good relationship, friendship, romantic relationship. Asking for what you need instead of waiting for the person to fail, because you're expecting them to read your mind. And so, making your wants, needs, desires aware to the other person, that is going to help you tenfold. Because you're not going to just be sitting there waiting for someone to pick up on your mood, or pick up on your vibe, or again, wait for them to fail you in some way. Ask for what you need. Ask for what you want. But then also, be open minded, enough to hear what they also need. It can't be one sided. And that's every relationship that we have in this world, even with your children. It cannot be one sided as a parent. If you mess up, you need to be able to say I'm sorry to your child the same way you're going to say sorry to your spouse or your friend. [00:21:03] PF: I know that you have so much great advice. Your website is a wonderful resource. What would you say like the one thing everybody listening out there, if they can just remember one thing from all this? How do we make the school year and our work more about human connection than Internet connections? [00:21:18] FAR: Well, my favorite line is a quote from Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you did. People forget what you said. But people will never forget how you made them feel.” And that to me is life right there. And I think we need to teach our children that from a young age, that the way we make people feel is important. The way that we're kind. The way that we're compassionate. And the only way that we're really going to be able to do that is if we do unplug from those devices and we are aware of what's going on around us, and who maybe needs help, and how can we be helpful? And so, that's my last message, I suppose, as we go into this new school year that we as adults as well as children should be abiding by. [00:22:01] PF: I love it. Thank you so much for sitting down with me today. Like said, you've got a lot of wisdom to impart upon us. We're going to tell people where they can find you. But I appreciate you taking the time to talk with us today. [00:22:12] FAR: Thank you for having me. It was such a joy. [OUTRO]   [00:22:17] PF: That was Florence Ann Romano, talking about how to create a balance with screen time. If you'd like to learn more about Florence Ann, watch her Windy City Nanny YouTube series, listen to her podcast, Finger Painting the Future, or follow her on social media, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. And if you haven't hit our back to school sale yet, make sure you get in on the special deals we're offering. Right now, you can get 20% off our back to school merch when you use the code Happy Learning at the Live Happy Store. Grab some of our bestselling mop top pens, our cheerful coffee mugs, or our fun buttons with positive messages, and get it all at 20% off. Just visit our store at livehappy.com and remember to use the code Happy Learning. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Escaping the Comparison Trap With Dr. Ronald Siegel  [INTRODUCTION] [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 379 of Live Happy Now. Whether we admit it or not, most of us spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to others. What if our true superpower is learning just to be ourselves? I'm your host, Paula Felps, and this week, I'm talking with psychotherapist, psychology professor and mindfulness expert, Dr. Ronald Siegel, whose latest research looks at what a climate of self-comparison is doing to undermine our happiness. His latest book, The Extraordinary Gift of Being Ordinary, looks at the trap of constant self-evaluation, and explains how we can learn to let go of our comparison culture, and live a more satisfying happy life. Today, he's talking about how we got here, and what we can do about it. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:51] PF: Ron, thank you so much for being on Live Happy Now. [00:00:54] RS: Thanks so much for having me. [00:00:55] PF: This is such a fascinating book that you've written, and I think one thing that would surprise people, surprised me right off the bat, is where you say in the foreword, that you yourself were doing the self-comparison and the self-evaluation. I think, anyone familiar with your level of expertise, and what you've done would be surprised so. So, how did you come to realize that that was something that you were falling into? [00:01:22] RS: Well, it's interesting. The idea for this book came about when I was in my 60s, I'm in my later 60s now. And there I was, having spent a good four decades, actually, involved in meditative practices, mindfulness practices, in particular. Those come out of wisdom traditions that have as one of their goals, to be less self-preoccupied, to be more connected to the wider world, and particularly to be less preoccupied with ego, right? To getting my desires met, or proving myself or self-aggrandizement in life. At the same time, I have spent at least as many decades working as a psychotherapist, and that involves also in my own training, in my own life, being patient or client in psychotherapy, and working with countless clients over the years, and you would think that fruit of that would be to have something called a coherent or stable sense of self, or as sometimes happens in a lot of Western therapeutic traditions, stable and high self-esteem. And being fairly aware of what goes on in my own consciousness as somebody who does a lot of mindfulness practice, it was quite clear to me that neither of those things had happened. I was neither done with self-preoccupation, nor had arrived at anything like a stable, coherent sense of self. I mean, I'm not saying that I wasn't able to function well, in the world. I function quite nicely and I do and accomplish all sorts of things. And I have family and friends and I actually have a rather blessed and good life in that way. But to be honest about what was going on in consciousness, is still quite regularly going up and down in various ways. I would, for example, have a session in which I'm the psychotherapist, and it would go well. It would feel effective. It would feel poignant. It would feel connected. I think, “Yeah, all these years of training and practice, I'm good at this. This is great. I'm a good psychologist.” And then I'd have another session that didn't go so well, and I'd be back feeling like, “I was a bright guy. I could have gotten into so many fields. This is clearly not my calling.” Similarly, in other realms of my life, I'd have days or moments where I'd feel like I'm a good, loving husband and other days where I feel like I'm a self-preoccupied lout, as a father, as everything. Just noticing the constant shifts, and the constant hunger for some kind of positive feedback or good feeling. I do a lot of teaching, a lot of training of psychotherapists, and even after all these years, showing up, and if more people show up for the other person's workshop at the conference than mine, well, this feeling of disappointment or not good enough, where people show up in mind this feeling of, “Oh, yeah, I'm great, I'm capable, I'm confident.” I started noticing that virtually everybody that I work with professionally, virtually all my clients or patients, are struggling with this in some way also, are often feeling somehow, they're not good enough, and they’re either in one state or another. Either in the state of feeling disappointed, inadequate in some way. Feeling like we've failed or not met the mark, or the opposite. Feeling like, “Hey, I'm doing pretty well here”, but then constantly stressed out either pursuing achievements or pursuing feedback from others, trying to feel good about ourselves. That got me curious as to what the causes were as to what it was based on, and also, what are the antidotes? What are the solutions? How do we live with less of this preoccupation, more freedom, more connection, more joy, more flexibility in our lives? [00:04:47] PF: Yeah, and I think one thing, people will feel immediate relief that okay, it's not just me. I think that was the first thing, and then to realize, like wow, there are way more people feeling this way than I thought. As I look at the examples that you created in the book, and it's like, “Oh, my gosh, so many I can check that box.” It's like, “Oh, yeah, that's me. Oh, yeah, that's me.” I think that there was something both alarming and reassuring about that. [00:05:14] RS: Both alarming and reassuring, I think you put that well. I want to say there's a mythology in our culture that really adds to the torment. And the mythology is, it's only losers who have these doubts. It's only losers that have insecurities. It's only losers that might have an interaction with a friend and think, “Hmm, was I being too self-centered? Hmm, did they think that I wasn't being caring enough?” Or who go to the party and feel, “These other people, they're more accomplished than I am. What do they think about me?” It's this fantasy that if only we could achieve enough, if only we could be an Internet influencer or entrepreneur, who's wealthy and famous by the time we're 30, then we wouldn't feel these things. It's just because we went wrong somehow that we suffer from this, and it is one of the steps on the road to freedom from this, is realizing its universality and realizing that we're really in this together. [00:06:07] PF: How pervasive is this problem? Is it like pretty much everybody that you know? [00:06:10] RS: I think it's everyone who's ever been born. [00:06:13] PF: There we go. [00:06:14] RS: There's a reason for this. This is actually rooted in our evolutionary history. The brain evolved for survival and for reproduction, and for passing on genes. The way that natural selection works as we the best we understand in the scientific community, is that those random variations in organisms over the years that are helpful for survival and passing on our genes, those are the ones that are going to persist, because those are the organisms are going to successfully reproduce. Now, why do we care about this? Why did chickens and so many other species organize themselves into what we call pecking hierarchies? Why are there species of crickets that if you put them in a box inside of a few seconds, they've got a dominance hierarchy going? Why do kids do this almost immediately, when you add them together into groups? Well, it turns out that those who were more dominant in all these different species had a better chance of reproducing successfully, they had more access to more partners, and they had a better chance of having the resources that they needed for their kids, so as to be able to support them. We might imagine in ancient history that there were happy hominids, holding hands, singing Kumbaya, focused only on cooperation and love, and none of this kind of competitive dominant stuff. But they didn't tend to reproduce the ones as efficiently as the ones who were focused on this. So, we got that. And the way it shows up for us in humans, it's more subtle, we're not just beating our chests like the chimpanzees do. It plays out at a much more subtle level in fluctuating self-esteem. Every time that we either think highly of ourselves or less highly of ourselves, it's by comparison, either with others, with our friends, our co-workers, our peers, or it's in comparison to some image that we have in our mind about who we're supposed to be or how we're supposed to be. So, if I think I'm a good dad, I'm implicitly comparing myself to either a model I have in my mind of what a dad should be, or other actual dads. The same thing for, if I think of myself as smart or strong or weak, or kind or caring. It's all this comparison, and it's the same kind of comparison that these other animals are doing in the field of dominance, only, we do it in all these subtle, symbolic ways. So, we are actually hardwired to be concerned with how we rank in the group and how we compare to others. That's why this is so universal. [00:08:39] PF: Well, something that we have that the animals don't, is social media, and the self-comparison, that was already an issue for us. It has been through time. But now with social media, it's really become amplified. You have an entire chapter on resisting ‘selfie esteem’, which I love that term. But can we talk about what social media is doing to drive this self-comparison and what that is doing to us? [00:09:08] RS: Yeah, it's so powerful. I'm on the faculty at Harvard Medical School and the story actually comes out of Harvard of this guy who noticed that people are always comparing themselves to others. He came up with the scheme some years ago, where he took the photographs that were on the intranet, the internal network of Harvard, and there were pictures of the undergraduate class, and he took them and he basically posted this on this website that he built, and he had people rate them for who's more attractive or less attractive, right? Suddenly everybody was into it. All the undergraduates were into it and it took a few days before the university caught wind of what was going on and shut down the website and actually expelled the guy. Well, the guy was Mark Zuckerberg, and he hit upon this idea that if we can get people to have the experience of getting a like, the sense of the thumbs up like, they'll do and it’ll motivate a lot, right? Because this gives us this little boost to self-esteem. So, you'll notice all the social media sites all have some way to either follow, well, that's a little practical, but also to like or not, posts that other people put on there, and we all become very addicted to this. The psychologists who study this, put people in brain scanners, and they find that the part of the brain, the nucleus accumbens, which is our reward center, it's the part that's activated from gambling wins, or for that matter, hits of cocaine, lights up when we get a like on Facebook or Instagram. So, that's going on, and that's being monetized, obviously. But it keeps us attached to it. And then there's the other thing, the way that people curate their images on social media. I don't know about you, but I don't see a lot of posts on Facebook or Instagram that, say, “Woke up this morning, had the runs again. I'm going to get a bad performance review at work. And I think my partner is going to dump me.” No, it's, “Here I am at this fantastic place, doing fantastic things, with fantastic people, looking beautiful and you're missing out.” That is the average post on social media. So, it leads all of us not only craving and being stuck in this addictive cycle of looking for things that are going to boost our self-esteem, but also looking at other people and having our heart sink. If we were countries or nation states, it would be as though we were looking at our own crime and poverty statistics and comparing them to other people's travel brochures. It's agonizing. It's an absolute setup for feeling that we're not good enough, and then feeling stressed out, like, I got to do more. I got to do more to somehow become a winner, instead of a loser. [00:11:49] PF: Now, we also know that’s very addictive. So, what is kind of the solution to be able to learn to step away from that? I know, for myself, I made an intentional move to be very mindful on Facebook, and on Instagram, and not post things to be like, “Hey, look at us doing this. Look at us.” It's like, I'll post something funny, I'll post something uplifting, but I won't post things really about what I'm doing. It's been an interesting little experiment for me, and I feel it's helped me. What can we do to – if we're going to live in that world, but then we want to still maintain our mental health? [00:12:26] RS: Right. Well, what you're doing is a really good place to start, right? To actually be – and it's part of the larger project. The larger project begins by simply taking an honest look at the degree to which our hearts and minds are captured by this worry about feeling good enough about ourselves. And by the whole world of social comparison, by all the ways in which we have thoughts all day long about how am I compared to others. I'm teaching a workshop here for mental health professionals, and when talking about this idea with them, just saying, how many of you notice since you came here, comparisons coming to mind? Everything from who's the psychiatrist? Who's the social worker? Who's the one who's running a program? Who's the one who's just working in one? Who's thinner? Who's taller? Who looks younger? On and on and on, our minds are constantly filled with these kinds of thoughts. So, the first thing is just noticing this, and noticing how it plays out when we use social media. Noticing when our feeling about ourselves goes up, we sit up a little taller, and our chest stands out a little bit more when we feel, “Yeah, hey, people like me. Hey, they think what I'm doing is great.” Or when we have the opposite feeling and that feeling of collapse. So, it starts simply with observation, with simply being aware of what's happening, and then really deciding what here is going to sustain my wellbeing, what is a reliable pathway to wellbeing? What is ephemeral and constantly going up and down? When we start realizing that, the likes and stuff and the showing off, that's very ephemeral. It goes up and down. It means deliberately withdrawing from it. Like, okay, exactly what you're doing. I'm not going to post these things. “Hey, look at me. Hey, look at how great I'm doing.” And in fact, maybe I'm even going to refrain from too much of this liking other people or not liking other people. Maybe I'm actually going to step back from it. And then what we do instead is look at what are the more sustainable pathways to wellbeing, because the really good news is we not only inherited from our evolutionary history this tendency to be worried about how we're doing, and this concern with social comparison. We also inherited other instincts that can bring us happiness or wellbeing that are much more reliable and that aren't zero sum games where our win is someone else's loss. [00:14:54] PF: Yeah, and let's talk about that. What are some of the other like, as you said, the steps that we can take toward changing how we're approaching ourselves and thinking about ourselves to jump off of this treadmill? [00:15:06] RS: Sure. Well, one of the most potent things that we can do, and we should talk about self-compassion, because that's also one of them. But one of the other ones is, and I have a whole chapter with this title. What if we went through life trying to make a connection rather than an impression? [00:15:20] PF: Oh, I love that. [00:15:23] RS: So often, when we interact with other people, we're kind of worried about how we look, how we sound, what they're thinking, and we're trying in some way to impress them, even if it's just to impress them that I'm a decent human being. But what if instead, we had all of our interactions be about how might I connect with this other person? How might I share honestly my experience of being human, and inquire with them about their experience of being human? Most of us who have had the privilege of having a good friend, have had situations in which we're talking to our good friend, and they're being honest, we're being honest, which usually means talking about our insecurities, or talking about our disappointments, or talking about ways in which perhaps our heart is broken, or we're afraid of something. In the process, our guard is let down, and our whole sense of self shifts. It shifts from a preoccupation with me to feeling like part of a, we. It's us, not me and you. That shift in how we experience ourselves, when we're connected to another human being, is a wonderful antidote to all of this kind of self-esteem preoccupation. Because in those moments, when we're with a friend that way, and kind of comparing notes and living a life, we're not so worried about how we're evaluated. We're not on that channel. We're on this other channel, which is that we also evolved to be social animals, social beings, who cooperate with one another, who lean on one another, who had been huddling together in caves since the beginning of time for mutual support. And when we feel that, all this other stuff starts to fall away. So, one broad avenue to be working in is, how do I connect safely to other people? A really good friend of mine, named Dr. Bob Waldinger, he wears a number of interesting hats. So, he's a Harvard psychiatrist. He's actually trained as a psychoanalyst and trains people in psychoanalysis. He's the head of the Harvard Study on Adult Development, which is the longest running longitudinal study asking the question, what really makes people thrive in life? It's been going on since 1933, and he happens to be a Zen priest. So, he wears quite a few hats and has quite a bit of wisdom. In his role as the director of the study of adult development, which has been following this cohort of men, because Harvard was all male back in 1933, and it was this set of some 700 odd men, some of whom were Harvard undergraduates, and some were matched in other ways. But they were poor kids from poor neighborhoods in Boston. And they've been following them for all these years, and looking at all sorts of measures of health, blood pressure, lipid levels, that kind of thing, looking at their social lives, looking at their career lives, and really seeing so what does it? What's important? And Bob would say, “The jury is in. It's the nature of our relationships.” People who have relationships in which they feel safe and connected with other people, they tend to thrive in life. When we don't, not so much. The interesting thing is that the relationships don't have to be continuously harmonious. It's fine if we bicker. It's fine if we argue. But we have to feel like we fundamentally understand and trust one another. That allows us to let down our guard, and it gives us a lot of freedom from the constant stress of this kind of social comparison. So, that is certainly one important thing to be cultivating. Whenever we find ourselves anxious or feeling bad about ourselves, or striving to stay on top, how can I connect other people? [00:19:01] PF: You give so much wonderful advice, recommendations and insight in this book, but where can people start? Because it's something we all need and even if we're farther down the path in this, and are a little bit more evolved and take better care of ourselves with our inner critic, I think we can all work on it. So, where does someone start today to start making that shift? [00:19:24] RS: Well, I think we start by just watching what's going on. I spent many years practicing and teaching, you know, mindfulness practices, which many people think of as, well, those are good for reducing stress. And yes, they're good for that. But they're even more useful for noticing the patterns of mind that create suffering for us. So, having some kind of practice where we regularly step out of the busyness of our goal-oriented activity, to just notice what's going on in the heart and mind, is really helpful because it starts by just noticing, “My gosh, how often these little ups and downs are happening during the day.” And my experience and the experience of others that I've talked to about this is when we're sensitized to it, we notice it's happening all the time. I mean, in this conversation that I'm having with you, there are moments where the idea comes readily, and I think, “Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. I'm glad I share that. I hope people will like that.” And then other moment, “Well, maybe that wasn't the best thing to say.” So, it's happening all the time, even right here now. We start by being sensitized to it and noticing it, and trying not to despair, if we noticed that these sorts of evaluative thoughts are happening frequently. But that starts with recognizing it. The next thing is really recognizing that winning is not going to work to make this go away. I've worked with so many people who are super accomplished at what they do, and have done wonderful things in the world. But they still frequently feel not good enough, what happens? There are two reasons for this, and if I may include this. This is part of what we need to be aware. One is that we recalibrate. The things that once floated our boat, stopped working after a little while. We habituate to it. We get used to whatever the thing was that used to make us feel okay about ourselves, and then we wind up needing something more, and just seeing this pattern is really helpful, so that we don't just keep putting all our energies into this crazy idea that if only I can get it right, if only I can lose five pounds, then I'm going to feel good about myself. If only I can accomplish this or that. The other reason why the accomplishment doesn't work is because what goes up, goes down. Let's say you're really good at what you do. You're an Olympic gold athlete, what are the chances of winning the gold in four years? In eight years? None of this is going to last. So, the first is simply observation. And then what we do is once we really see what's not working, is we start turning our attention to what does work. Making the connection, practicing self-compassion, looking for ways to really give oneself a hug. And in the book, there's instructions for how you would do this, practicing gratitude, which we haven't spoken about yet. In a moment of gratitude, two things are going on. One is, instead of thinking what I don't have and should have, we're noticing what we do have. So as a result, we're not striving for something else. We're being with whatever is already here. And when we're grateful, we're connected, because we're usually grateful toward somebody or for something. It could be grateful to my parents for the care. I got grateful to my partner for being loving. Grateful for the fact that my body is still working. What a miracle that is. Grateful to have enough to eat. Whatever it is, in the moment of gratitude, we feel connected to something larger. So, that winds up being helpful to us. So, it simultaneously noticing the addictions and noticing what doesn't work, and then turning our attention toward these other things that are more reliable sources of wellbeing. There are others in the book as well. But those are some of the greatest hits, I'd say. [00:22:56] PF: That is fantastic. You have given us a tremendous gift with this book, because there are so many wonderful practices, there's exercises that people can do, and you really walked us through this entire process, and I think it's something people can use over and over. Because after one read, it's not going to all go away and I think it's a constant journey for us, and this is such a wonderful guide book to help us on that journey. [00:23:21] RS: Yeah. I hope it's of use to people because I've certainly seen the unnecessary suffering that being caught in this has caused me personally, has caused the people I've worked with. It seems to account for a lot of what goes wrong in the world, so much of what goes wrong in the world is at least partly fueled by these desperate attempts to feel good about ourselves, sometimes by being above someone else. It's important for our personal wellbeing, it's important so that we can get along together in this planet. [00:23:51] PF: Wonderful words. Ron, thank you again, for taking the time. Again, you have so much to teach us. We've gotten just a little taste of it here. We're going to tell our listeners how they can find your book and how they can find more of the work that you've done. But again, thank you for sitting down and for everything that you're contributing. [00:24:08] RS: Great. Thank you for what you're doing and thank you so much for inviting me. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:24:15] PF: That was Dr. Ronald Siegel, author of The Extraordinary Gift of Being Ordinary: Finding Happiness Right Where You Are. If you'd like to learn more about Dr. Siegel and his research, download a free chapter of his latest book, or follow him on social media. Visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. Right now, we're all going back to school, so why not make sure you have some cool Live Happy gear to start the year. Right now, we're offering 20% off our back to school merch when you use the code Happy Learning at the Live Happy Store. Whether you want to stock up on are adorable mop-top pens, our super popular positive sticky notes, or grab a gratitude journal to start every day with a positive thought, you can find it all 20% off. Just visit our store at livehappy.com, and remember to use the code Happy Learning. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Learning to be a Kind Traveler With Jessica Blotter  [INTRODUCTION] [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 375 of Live Happy Now. Now that we're taking vacations again, have you thought about how to bring more kindness to your travels? I'm your host, Paula Felps, and this week, I'm talking with Jessica Blotter, a speaker and journalist who specializes in sustainable and regenerative tourism. After witnessing extreme poverty on a vacation to Belize, Jessica launched a movement in 2016, called Kind Traveler, which allows travelers to positively impact the communities they visit, and enjoy incredible experiences as well. She's here today to talk about why it's so important to travel kindly, and how you can make every trip you take, make a difference. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:48] PF: Jessica, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:50] JB: Thank you so much for having me, Paula. It's such a pleasure to be here. [00:00:54] PF: It's exciting to have you on the air. We've had you on our website. We had you when we had the magazine. And you have such an incredible mission, because you are all about sustainable tourism and giving back. So, before we dig into what you're doing, let's start by explaining what sustainable tourism even means. [00:01:11] JB: Sure, happy to. So, sustainable tourism is really about asking the question, how one can maximize, their, perhaps, positive impact when they travel and minimize their negative impact when they travel. We're really looking at the entire cycle of the traveler journeys. So, from how you get there, your transport, the type of lodging that you choose, the behavior and activities that you have on the ground, and throughout all of those, that travel cycle, looking at that question, and how can I maximize positive impact as a relates to communities and the environment, and the actual destination that you're, in minimizing things like your carbon footprint, or preventing food waste, or things like in that nature. So, that's the essence of what it is. [00:02:09] PF: Why is it so important for us to not just continue those practices, but really to step it up when we're going to go on vacation? [00:02:15] JB: Right. Well, when you look at the volume of travelers taking international trips, especially if we look at pre COVID, you have 1.4 billion travelers traveling around the world, right, and then you have 1.8 or more billion projected by 2030. So, the power of the travel industry can actually be a force for good, or it can be a force for the negative. You see things on the negative side, such as over tourism. You also see things like communities adversely being affected. Whereas on the on the positive side, if travel dollars can be situated and manifested in such a way that it can actually do a lot of good, it can support communities, it can support the environment. So, it's just really important to think about how one can vote with their dollar, and perhaps choose things that are good for the planet, because of its sheer impact that it can make on a global level. When you look at the amount of people that are traveling in today's world. [00:03:24] PF: It's so interesting, because I know a lot of friends who travel, have come back and said, “Oh, man, it was horrible. Because to get to our resort, we had to go through this village.” And they would talk about the poverty that they saw on. I used to go to Cabo a lot and it was that same kind of thing where you're staying in a very opulent place, and you're surrounded by poverty. So, doing this, we don't really think that we can make a difference in that community. Like it doesn't even register with a lot of us. How do we make sure that that is happening and how do we become a part of that? [00:03:57] JB: It's great that you say, that because that's actually how Kind Traveler began is that my co-founder and I, we were actually on a vacation and witnessed a lot of poverty. We saw a lot of emaciated dogs roaming the streets, families living in shacks next to polluted swamps. And we had a really hard time sort of turning away from those experiences and getting excited about the vacation itself. We had been and still are, animal rescue volunteers, and for us, it was virtually impossible for us to turn a blind eye to these rib protruding dogs begging for food. So, we decided to feed them, not knowing really what else to do. And we unintentionally inspired other travelers to get involved with this small act of giving back. When we walked away from this experience, the mood had really shifted and see how the other travelers went from this feeling of sadness and despair and helplessness to one have a little bit of hope and joy and laughter. We just started to think about how perhaps we could create a way to make it easy for travelers to give back and make a positive impact in the destination that they visit, specifically through giving back. And we realized that there are so many wonderful nonprofits that are on the ground that are supporting animals, or supporting the environment. They're helping lift local communities out of poverty. Not everybody wants to volunteer necessarily on their vacation. They might not have time. They don't want to do it. And it's also earned a bad reputation over the years, frankly, in some other countries. That act of giving back and when you're traveling, seemed like something that was very important to help create a sustainable future for the travel industry and utilizing the potential power of those 1.4 billion trips that happened, at least pre COVID. That was actually that story just described, was something I think a lot of people have experience. They're often left with this feeling, something that's called travelers guilt. And when it's not easy to do something and they don't know how to do something, it can be quite frustrating, and lead to someone perhaps not feeling quite satisfied or happy even on their vacation. [00:06:23] PF: What you did was different, because a lot of people go through that. You have that travelers’ guilt, and you hear like, “I wish I could do something”, and then you go home and you get on with your life. That is not what you did. [00:06:34] JB: No. No, we did not do that. [00:06:38] PF: So, tell me how you went about this experience and how did that become a movement? I mean, I think that is so fascinating to me. [00:06:46] JB: Yeah, thank you. Yeah, so when we had that experience, keep in mind, both Shawn and I, we were at this point in our careers in our lives, where we both were entrepreneurs and involved with other businesses in the past. And we're kind of very comfortable in this space of entrepreneurialism, and we were very passionate about travel. We were both doing a lot of volunteering at that time. I was also a travel writer at that time. I was doing some freelancing with travel writing. So, our hearts and our minds were really in this very special place when we had that experience. Our hearts were definitely in an open place where we were actively kind of looking to find certain gaps that that existed. We saw this gap. We started just asking ourselves like, “Wow, what if we could use our passion for travel, and for helping nonprofits? What if we could use that passion to create a pathway and make it easy for travelers to give back to the destinations that they visit?” That got us so excited. We came back, we started doing research after the trip and we realized, and there are research that a lot of travelers, in fact, at that time, it was 70% of travelers want their travel dollars to make a positive impact in the communities. [00:08:10] PF: That's so great to hear. [00:08:11] JB: Yeah, but then we saw that the challenges were, that about half of travelers find this completely confusing and don't know necessarily what that means or how to do it. So, we started talking to hotels as well and we decided that we wanted to build a platform that would essentially make it easy for travelers to give back to the communities that they visit and in turn, be rewarded for special offers from hotels that were also committed to the same values within the community and the environment. Because of that trip, Kind Traveler was born. We launched it in 2016 and it was the first and only, I should say, socially conscious give and get hotel booking platform that empowers travelers to give back and make a positive impact on the communities that they visit. The way it works is really quite simple. It's a $10 minimum donation to a locally vetted charity that is in the community that you're going to, and that donation or more will unlock an exclusive offer that we've negotiated with our hotels, and they even offer whether it's an exclusive rate or some special perks. Through that booking, we see a triple win happens because the traveler is winning, they get to have this amazing offer they give back, the charity is winning, and the hotel is winning. 100% of donations are given back to the charity through this model. And a couple other things that make it special is that we measure the impact across the entire site. So, whether you're giving back to a local wildlife group or an environmental organization, whatever it is, you're going to learn about that charity, specifically. Why it's important? What your $10 donation will do? And become very educated about your impact that you're able to make. [00:10:12] PF: That is so cool. And as you said, you started this in 2016. What have been some of the challenges to launch it and get it up and scale it, so that you can start really giving people these offers? [00:10:27] JB: So, in 2016, I think that we are definitely ahead of the curve. Today, in 2022, a lot of folks are really starting to think about sustainable tourism. Regenitive tourism has become quite popular. But back then, we found ourselves doing a ton of educating to everybody about why this was so important. I feel like it was just starting to – sustainable tourism was really becoming slowly more popular over the years in terms of a topic that the media wanted to cover and such. But we started out with 20 hotels on the platform, just based mostly in the US and the Caribbean. And today, we have 140 hotels in 22 countries around the world, and represent around 125 nonprofits around the world. All of the nonprofit goals are aligned with something called the United Nations Global Goals for Sustainable Development. And it just ensures that all of our impact goals are essentially working to either fight poverty, advance education, and communities, create equality in communities. And then on the environmental side, it's largely about addressing the climate crisis and working with environmental groups that are protecting biodiversity and wildlife, or working to advance ocean conservation. So, that kind of gives us like a framework around that. But it's been a really rewarding journey, and now that people are talking more about how to do this, I think that the timing of our platform really becomes more important. [00:12:05] PF: Sure. And obviously, we went through a time of not traveling much in the last couple of years. [00:12:11] JB: That’s true too, of course. That was a huge challenge. [00:12:13] PF: Yeah, oh my gosh, I can't even imagine what it looked like from your end. But do you see, as we come out of this a little bit, do you see a difference in the way people are approaching travel and, in their willingness to give? [00:12:25] JB: Absolutely. I mean, we took that time during the pandemic, to actually launch a new platform. So, we launched a brand-new platform in January of this year of 2022, and we wanted to create some additional things that would make it even easier for travelers to use the platform and added several dozen new properties during that time as well. But I do think that yes, that the pandemic has indeed created a greater appreciation for travel, because we all stayed home, and we got to see what destinations look like when there aren't any visitors, and there were lots of great stories around that time, around wildlife being regenerated, and communities that became better, in fact, because they weren't dealing with the plagues of every day. Over tourism, even. Since then, we've seen destinations come back and, and take measures to even prevent some of those things that were less desirable from happening, like certain places like Venice, cruise ships aren't allowed anymore. And certain destinations, you have to now pay environmental fees to access. So, we're seeing the destinations and governments really double down on sustainability, which I think raises the bar for everybody to start thinking about it more, and there's an overall raising of consciousness that is happening around this topic. You have a climate crisis that was officially declared, The Cop 26 Summit. So, you have a lot of conversations going on right now in a time where our world is at a critical point, to embrace positive change if we want to create a sustainable future for it. [00:14:21] PF: I think, as you mentioned, the climate crisis, it's now we can't deny it anymore. And how then does this affect how we raise our children to be sustainable travelers and how does having a way to give back change the travel experience that they grow into? [00:14:38] JB: Absolutely. I mean, family travelers really see this as an educational opportunity to teach their children about the importance of giving back and even the feel-good associations that come with giving. Making that connection early on is so important, but there's also so much insight out there about the younger audiences, like Gen Z, who, at the oldest right now is 25. But they've listed that one of their number one concerns is the climate crisis. And millennial audiences have also listed this as one of their top concerns as well. So, you see these younger generations being very concerned about these topics and actively looking for ways to become more sustainable, responsible traveler, but also in their everyday lives. What you do in your everyday life should be no different than when you travel as well. There's this movement taking place, and there's a lot of interest with it with younger generations as well. The goal for brands like Kind Traveler is to make it easy, essentially, for these choices to be made that create a sustainable future that we can all thrive in and feel good about. [BREAK] [00:16:00] PF: We're going to take a break from the show right now and bring back Casey Johnson, our ecommerce marketing manager. Casey, how are you doing today? [00:16:07] CJ: I'm great. How are you? [00:16:10] PF: Fantastic. We've been talking about Organifi the past couple of weeks, and how we love being able to just take a scoop of it and add it to water and have a super healthy beverage during the day. And Organifi has this whole line of products that meets a variety of needs. One that we haven't talked about that is great for wrapping up the day is Organifi Gold, because this has like all the things our bodies need to recover like turmeric, ginger, lemon balm, mushroom, and I personally like it mixing hot water, but you can also do it with more milk or ane alternative to hot chocolate. Casey, how about you? How are you enjoying the Organifi Gold? [00:16:51] CJ: First of all, I just want to say the Gold is – [00:16:53] PF: The bomb. [00:16:56] CJ: Yeah, but seriously, I love it. And you know, contains nine superfoods. You mentioned a couple of them, and this specific juice is meant to promote rest and relaxation. Who doesn't love that, right? I personally like to drink this with warm oat milk. I like the milk alternatives and it's like a hug in a mug. Caress all day. [00:17:16] PF: Oh, that's awesome. But it really is. I love it. So, how can our listeners learn more about it and start enjoying the benefits of it? [00:17:25] CJ: So, our listeners can go to organifi.com/livehappynow and they'll save 20% off automatically at checkout. Or you can go to organific.com, and use code Live Happy Now to save 20% off. [00:17:42] PF: That sounds awesome. I hope people check it out. And we're going to go check out more of our Organifi Gold. Right now, we're going to go back to the show. [EPISODE CONTINUES] [00:17:54] PF: Doing good and giving back does release endorphins, and people feel good about themselves and they just feel good. Can we talk about that? Like what it does when you give back to local communities as you travel? How does it help you as a traveler? And how does it increase the way that the satisfaction that you feel with that experience? [00:18:15] JB: There are a few great studies out there that actually link trip satisfaction to giving back. And it's because when you give a donation or you volunteer or you just help somebody, endorphins are released in the brain that allow you to feel happier, healthier, and even more connected. We feel that that really is the perfect storm for the traveler who's looking to build purpose and meaningfulness in their vacation experience. That feeling when we're trying to get the most of our vacation, if we think about how we can optimize our travel dollars in a way that gives back and makes a positive impact within communities in the environment, not only are we doing good for the world, but we're also going to feel really good about our decisions and in fact, have a better vacation experience. I love just making that connection so clear for people and that opportunity that it exists for those that want to get the most out of their vacation. [00:19:21] PF: And then how does that change how they look back at that experience? [00:19:24] JB: There's lots of evidence around how you're giving back, how this also creates a more memorable experience. So, the way you look back and remember, your experience might even be more vivid. Also, on Kind Traveler, I want to mention that beyond just giving a donation, a lot of these charities actually offer really unique experiences. There's a little section when you click on the charities on our website, it's called How to Travel Kindly. If the charity offers unique experiences, which like I said, many of them do, you can also go and visit them and have a very memorable experience that also gives back and supports these nonprofits that are on the ground, doing the good work in destinations. So, that is a sure way to also create a memorable experience that gives back and creates a memory that will be very different than perhaps other trips. [00:20:23] PF: What I love about this is children that are growing up this way and going and having these incredible experiences are more likely to then, as they become adults, not only will they continue doing that, but then they're going to raise their next generation of children who see that as part of the travel experience. [00:20:40] JB: Yeah, absolutely. It's a cycle. So, it's a great way to have fun with your family and teach them a very powerful, meaningful lesson of what it looks like to in fact, live a fulfilled life through giving back, and how that looks, perhaps, when you travel. [00:21:00] PF: That's terrific. You show so many different ways to do it. So, I think that's what's cool, too. People might even be inspired to do things on their own when they're out there as they travel. [00:21:10] JB: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, we have a few examples I can share on the website. I mean, we do a lot of work here in California, where we're based in, up in Northern California is Sonoma County, which is such a sustainable destination. 99% of their vineyard acreage is certified as sustainable. So, that in itself says so much about the destination. But we have a variety of hotels out there that you can visit, such as the farmhouse and vintners and so many others. But we have at least six different charities out there that are so unique that you can give back to, but also that you can have experiences with. So, charities like farm to pantry, Charlie's acres, the Russian River Keeper, the Sonoma Land Trust, just to name a few. And for an experience with a charity, one of the ones I love so much is with Charlie's Acres Farm Animal Sanctuary, which is a nonprofit that's dedicated to rescuing farm animals who were abused or destined for the dinner table. This organization offers unique ways to connect with these animals that are recovering from different situations, and they offer like sheep meditation. [00:22:29] PF: Oh, wow. [00:22:31] JB: Yeah, or even like goat yoga. It's just a way to kind of slow things down a bit, enjoy the sounds of nature, and learn more about animals. So, that’s one experience that you can have that, is directly with a nonprofit that really goes back into supporting the community. [00:22:49] PF: Oh, that is terrific. That sounds like so much fun. [00:22:52] JB: Thank you. Yeah, I have another one. I'll share with you if you’d like. [00:22:55] PF: Yes, please. [00:22:56] JB: Over in Florida, we do a lot of work with Fort Myers, and over there, we have a couple of hotels that we work with from the Western Cape Coral Resort, Diamondhead Resort and the Pink Shell Beach Resort. But our local nonprofit that we support is the Crow Clinic, The Center for the Rehabilitation of Wildlife. When you book on Kind Traveler, of course, and you support Crow Clinic, a $10 donation, and we measure this on the platform, but it can provide up to five days of care for an eagle with a broken wing as an example. So, that's the other thing that a lot of people ask, “Well, what can a $10 donation do?” Well, it can go a really long way and do a lot of really cool things. And we tell you, all of that on the website when you book. Another thing it can do is provide two weeks of antibiotics for a gopher tortoise that was hit by a car. So unfortunately, they have a lot of that happening there. But this organization is there, doing a lot of the wildlife rehab. And you can also go to the Crow Clinic as a visitor. They're very child friendly. You can go and visit these rehabilitated animals, those that can be released in the wild or released those that cannot be, we'll call it a sanctuary. But it is a great way to engage, learn and support a nonprofit that is really vital to the health and wellbeing of that destination. So, that is in fact, sustainable tourism right there. [00:24:29] PF: This is terrific. I love the work that you're doing and the way that it continues to spread. On our website, we're going to tell people how they can find you, give them more information. We'll share the previous stories we've run on you and just let them know how they can get in touch with you. But as we're entering these final weeks of summers and families are trying to squeeze in those last-minute trips, what do you recommend? What can families do differently to make a difference as they get in their final travel of the summer? [00:25:00] JB: Think about a couple of things. I say it's easiest to look through a lens of kindness when you make your travel planning decisions. And the lens of kindness I look at is a quadrant of four pillars. So, it's kindness to communities, to the environment, to animals, but also to oneself, to one's looking at individual wellness. So, when we kind of look through this lens of kindness, we can ask ourselves that question in the beginning, how may I maximize my positive impact and minimize my negative impact? So, with transportation, for example, because we know that both aviation is a – the aviation industry, for example, contributes to 8% of all carbon emissions. And the ground transport industry is responsible for 26% of all carbon emissions. So, we might want to look at how the word traveling. Can we look at slow travel? Can we travel perhaps by a train as a very slow way of traveling that reduces carbon emissions up to 55%? So, looking at ways that we might be able to travel in such a way perhaps, it's with an electric vehicle, or it's with public transport, it's by carpooling, perhaps. Looking at some of those ways that we can reduce our carbon footprint specifically, then, of course, choosing a hotel that is also abiding by not just environmental sustainability initiatives, but also community impact. And so, choosing the type of hotel that you would stay at, that would in fact, embrace all those values. And then, of course, the activities that you choose. Are there nonprofits that you can go visit and support such as little local sanctuaries or classes that you could take offered by different nonprofits? Doing your research, right? You have to spend a little bit of time asking these questions, doing your research, voting with your dollar, while looking through a lens of kindness. [00:27:09] PF: Fantastic stuff. We have so much to learn from you. You are doing so much good in the world. It's truly appreciated and you are making a difference. I appreciate you coming on the show and telling us about it. Again, just thank you for everything that you're doing. [00:27:25] JB: Paula, thank you so much. It was such a pleasure. I so enjoyed being here and talking with you. Thank you for the opportunity. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:27:36] PF: That was Jessica Blotter, CEO and founder of Kind Traveler, talking about how to make a difference by changing the way we travel. If you'd like to learn more about Jessica's work, check out Kind Traveler or follow Jessica on social media. Visit our website at live happy.com and click on the podcast app. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. And until then, this is Paul Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Your Happiest Summer Yet With Maureen Healy  [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 372 of Live Happy Now. Summer should be all about fun and happiness. So this week, we're looking at how to make this your family's happiest summer yet. I'm your host, Paula Felps, this week I'm talking with educator and children's emotional health expert, Maureen Healey. Her new book, The Happiness Workbook for Kids, looks at how to navigate the difficult times we're in and create fun, positive experiences for children. She's here today to talk about some of the things we all can do to make this summer happier and healthier for the whole family. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:39] PF: Maureen, welcome to Live Happy Now. [00:00:41] MH: Thanks for having me. [00:00:43] PF: Well, we want to have you on the show because we're kicking off a month-long summer of fun here at Live Happy. You're all about fun and happiness, so perfect fit. I wanted to talk to you because summer is, obviously, all about fun. That's why we're doing this celebration. But the past couple of years have been so tough on everyone. Why does that make it even more important for us to get really intentional about having fun, not just for our children, but for ourselves this summer? [00:01:12] MH: Well, I think you we're all in the process to differing degrees and for different reasons for bouncing back and becoming resilient. I think that that resilience is sort of the foundation for emotional health and a happier life. We all want to become happier. It's just a natural inborn urge. The more we do that, it seems like every other piece of our life goes well. [00:01:33] PF: That's very true. But it can be difficult sometimes because there are people who still feel hesitant or feel like they're just not in a space where fun is really on the books right now. What would you say to them? [00:01:46] MH: Well, I mean, I think they are correct. Life has cycles. Sometimes, we want to learn how to expand the cycles that are really joyful and fun. If we're in a challenging cycle, I mean, we don't necessarily just put a motor on it and fly through it. But we want to move through challenges as rapidly and properly as quick and easily as we can. Knowing that, whoever's listening, you have power over your thoughts, right? You have power over when you think of that. You have a feeling, and that feeling could be, “I'm learning from this. I'm moving in a better direction today.” [00:02:17] PF: Yeah, absolutely. One of the things that you talk about is positive emotional health and how that's a route of becoming happier. I love that because that's exactly what we talked about here. So can you talk about that for children? Where can parents start, and what does it mean for children to have positive emotional health? [00:02:36] MH: It's a great question. We could spend hours on that. Let's see. What can I say? Well, I wrote a book The Emotionally Healthy Child for parents. Then my recent book, The Happiness Workbook for Kids, is really for children, so they can have their own emotional ahas. Because we really want to help them early on understand their emotions and how they work and discover what they can do to express them constructively versus destructively screaming and slamming doors. We've all done it, but having to make smart choices and then like helping them figure out what direction happier is in, right? So you really can't become happier until you, on a consistent basis, know how your emotions work and what you can do with them. You have the appropriate relationship to your emotions, knowing that you're bigger than your feelings. When I work with little kids, and they say, “Oh, I’m so angry,” I say, “Did the anger feel bigger than you?” They're like, “Absolutely.” So helping them understand they're bigger than their emotions, that gives them the power of choice and what does emotional health look like. I mean, it can look different. But I guess a good way to think of it is emotional health is a skill of balance, and it's learning how to get back to your center and get back on balance. It has to do with flexibility versus rigidity. You want to be able to have that flexible thinking. Things happen in our life that are challenging. How do we get back to center and make a good choice in the next moment? So emotional health is being able to find your balance once again and having that emotional toolbox and the thoughts and the people around you that can support you and help move you in the right direction. [00:04:07] PF: I know some parents are like, “Well, how can I help my child do that? Because I'm a mess right now.” A lot of people are very off balance right now. They're still trying to deal with what's happened and the uncertainty of what's going on right now and the greater uncertainty of the future. So how can parents who don't feel like they're in a good space help their children discover that positive emotional health? [00:04:29] MH: Yeah. It's great. I mean, that's why I wrote the book The Emotionally Healthy Child or the latest one, The Happiness Workbook for Kids. The biggest feedback I get from parents is like, “Forget my kids. These are good for me,” because it's true. Emotional Health is a lifelong endeavor, right? It's not a box we check. One week we're learning forgiveness. The next week we're learning like anger management. The next week we're learning tolerance. It’s learning together as a family or as friends. That is really helpful and that it's true. Everything does begin in the family and the more that parents can learn alongside their kids. That's why I really love giving kids like an activity from my workbook and saying, “Why don't you teach that to me,” and having them be the boss. Because all of a sudden, they don't even realize that they're learning, and it puts them in a position of power, so they feel all jazzed up. So there's creative ways to work with kids so that you can learn as well. [00:05:22] PF: Oh, I really like that. Because I think everybody wants a really good summer this year. Everybody feels like we've earned it. We've put in some really rough times. We want this to be something that feels better again. For you, what's a great starting point for such a summer? [00:05:39] MH: Well, I think it's like anything in the world. Like if you're flying a plane from New York to LA, you need to know where you're going. So it's kind of like envisioning in your mind. You’re creating some sort of like playful map or something. I would say to a child, “Like what would be the most fun summer? Like what would we be doing?” Maybe you can't do everything like Disneyland in Paris, but maybe you can put some things on the list that you can do and have things to look forward to. What's exciting to me may not be exciting to you. But having things that you do together that create positive memories, that you can take photographs and put around the house, and also things that just sort of are joyful, I think, fill your happiness bucket. [00:06:21] PF: I love that because the art of planning gives you that anticipatory savoring as you have things to look forward to, and that just elevates you way before the event ever happens, no matter how big or small that event is. [00:06:36] MH: Then if you take pictures of that event, maybe go to the zoo or Safari or something local. Afterwards, you can see. You remind yourself of that event and how much fun you had. That immediately boosts your happiness mood too. [00:06:48] PF: Yeah. I've seen a lot of articles, a lot of information about people. Just leaving pictures from your vacation in your cubicle at work can improve your work day because you think you'd be like, “Oh, I wish I was there.” Which you are but you also have that instant like, oh, those great emotions that are associated with it. [00:07:06] MH: Absolutely. [00:07:07] PF: So how can parents still help children bounce back from the challenges of the past couple years because they have been under stress, and we do want to move forward? But there's a lot of processing that needs to be done, and we've had some horrible events happen in the last couple of weeks as well. So what are some tips that parents can use as they move into a lighter mood? But how can they help children process some of the grief, some of the anxiety they might be going through? [00:07:34] MH: Yeah. I don't think it's a magic wand, but I do think there are a few key ideas. One of them is if – Depending on the age of your child. But oftentimes, if it's a scary topic, whether it's a school shooting or something else that's worrying your child, talking about it relieves that stress. So talking about scary things helps lower the stress, and you're going to want to do things, like you mentioned, that lower the stress, lower the anxiety, lower the worry, lower any of the challenging emotions so that they can come back to center and feel calm and make good choices. Part of that is not putting additional stress. Not that parents are, but some parents are like, “Oh, we're going to set you up with Kumon.” Not that Kumon’s bad, but you don't want to over schedule the summer either. Do you know what I'm saying? [00:08:17] PF: Right. Yeah. [00:08:18] MH: You want to actually just play and have fun and learn new things. Maybe we garden. Maybe we learn how to cook a new meal. We do something that's more organic and joyful, and helps us remember that we actually liked each other, and this can be fun. [00:08:34] PF: Kids are different. So how do you discover what is going to make each child happier at different stages in life? Because I know, as a child, what worked for me one summer certainly didn't work the next summer, and I was very different from my sister. So how do you kind of break that down? [00:08:50] MH: It's such a great question. It’s funny because as I look at my own life and look at the kids in my life, we're always given clues, right? Like we're always saying – Allowing kids to wear many different hats. Like you said, maybe one summer it's Girl Scout camp. Maybe the next summer it’s zoo camp. Maybe the next summer it's no camp but allowing us to try different things and to also explore. I oftentimes will ask someone, “Hey, make a list of all the different things you want to do this summer,” and get their own input. Have them decide what it is that's going to “ring your bell.” Like what is that going to be really cool this summer? Is it doing Lego camp? Or is it robotics or a Maker Camp? Or is it no camp, and you want to learn how to write a book or you want to learn how to design a website or you really just want to sit in the hammock in the backyard? I mean, giving them options. But I do think certain things, exercise, being in nature, having a creative outlet, something they really love, allowing them to have that free time to do something they love is really important. [00:09:52] PF: How important is it for us to get them outside this year? Because we've been kind of cooped up for a while, but I see now, what I'm hearing from parents is the kids don't necessarily want to leave indoors now. They've got games. They've got a lot of social online things that they're addicted to and don't necessarily want to explore the outdoors. So how do we get over that? [00:10:13] MH: I think there's a two-part answer to that question. [00:10:16] PF: Multiple. [00:10:18] MH: I think one part is we have to be really careful as adults because oftentimes children and kids mimic us. I'm saying that because I'm at fault too sometimes. I want to do work or I want to watch a movie or I want to – But when I get myself out hiking, oh, I love life. I feel free. There's an ease. So really making an effort and intention, and I don't think it's about forcing kids per se. But I think it is – I'm a big person, and I believe in family meetings. Everyone should have a voice. Maybe one child just doesn't like to be outside. They like to go to the mall or like to be on the computer. But for the sake of the family, everyone gets a day, and they pick something, and we all take turns. It's important to be cooperative, and it's important to step away from the computer, especially if you have a child that has a hard time or you have a hard time unplugging. I know that our nervous system really gets amped up when we're hooked into whether it's media or online or screens. So getting away, whether it's forest bathing or whatever we want to call it and just relaxing our nervous system really does so much good for us for our physical, mental, emotional health. [00:11:28] PF: Yeah. So oftentimes when – It was funny. I was interviewing some parents yesterday, and they talk about how they have four children and say three of them will be in agreement on, “Yeah, let's go do this.” Then one is like, “No, I don't want to do it.” She said, “So they'll just go ahead and start it. Pretty soon, that fourth child comes around because he sees they're having fun. Now, all of a sudden, that FOMO kicks in. It's like, “Well, wait a minute. Maybe what I'm doing isn't as great as I thought. Let's get out there and do it.” [00:11:54] MH: That's great. [00:11:55] PF: But let's talk about some of your strategies because, obviously, you have a whole workbook full of ideas. One thing I really wanted to jump on is your creativity. You say creativity is a great way to increase happiness, and I was so glad to see that. I've got a very good friend in Cincinnati who teaches creativity for kids’ classes. One thing she said is that she sees kids coming out of the pandemic with a lower creativity level. They've been sitting in front of screens, they haven't been interacting, and she's really having to do a lot more work. So kind of a two-part question is, one, how do we get children’s creative juices flowing again? Then why is it so important to practice creativity? [00:12:40] MH: So I'm a believer that creativity – We have to be courageous to be creative because you have to be okay with failing. Because when you're creative, there are things that work out and things that don't work out, and that's okay. But you really have to be okay with not always getting it right. So that's important to nurture that not only growth mindset but that mindset of progress, not perfection. Then the idea of why is creativity important, it's important because it gives us an outlet to express our emotions. That's one. But in another sense, creativity is important because on the very mundane level, like people think they're in competition, right? But when you get to the creative level, it's like there's more than enough space for everyone. Everyone's different. Everyone's unique. Everyone has unique talents. It allows for that joyful expression of who we are. So that's important. Also, creativity, if you can trust your instincts, you can trust your creative instincts. You can become a little more intuitive. You can get good instincts. You can be in the right place at the right time. Although it's not directly scientifically tied to happiness, most people who are uber successful have learned how to have. They trust their instincts, and I think that makes them happier. [00:13:52] PF: So what are some of the things that parents can do to help nurture that creativity and bring it out in their children? [00:13:57] MH: It depends on the child. I think you can be creative in any field. So you can be creative designing your website. You can be creative in the kitchen, cooking. You can be creative sewing. You can be creative outside. Like right now, I'm doing some landscaping. I had some friends and some other kids come by, and I said, “Well, how would you design this? Like let's map it out?” So there’s – [00:14:18] PF: Oh, I like that. [00:14:19] MH: Yeah. So I'm a big believer. Like ask kids what they want to do and nurture their interests and allow them to be creative. I think sometimes, as adults, we get used to this thing should be done this way. Or this is the only way. But look at the world. Adults have gotten us into a few little hiccups here. [00:14:38] PF: Track records are not great lately. [00:14:40] MH: Right. So we really need the creative, innovative solutions from this younger generation. Not that they're going to solve all these big problems of adults right now, but they are able to come up with creative solutions if we ask them and if we give them freedom, if we allow them to – Sometimes, they'll fail. Sometimes, they'll succeed. But give them the freedom to come up with new ideas on how to do something. Even if you help them and say, “All right, let's decide. You're going to have I don't want to say a vacation day or a fun day off. We're all going to go somewhere.” Think of different options and present it to the family. Like allow them to really get excited about things they think is important. [00:15:17] PF: Yeah. I love that idea because it feels like there just hasn't been enough to get excited about lately. I think having even small things that they can really, really get excited about is going to be huge. I think what a great emotional boost that's going to be for them. [00:15:32] MH: Yeah. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. I just saw someone. They have a butterfly exhibit. Well, that's fantastic. It can be something local. It doesn't have to be enormous. [00:15:41] PF: Right. It can be a little day at the theme park or whatever you need. Another thing that you talk about is helping others as a way to boost happiness. One, this is such a great lesson to teach children. Just everything about this aspect is fantastic. So can we talk about that? Like why is it so important to teach our children the happiness quotient of helping others? [00:16:05] MH: Yeah. It's a good question. Well, first of all, I think we're all interconnected, right? We're ultimately – If the pandemic has shown us anything, it's shown us that we're in it together. But I would say that the me, me, me self-centeredness experience that we all sort of start out with as a young person, that just brings us unhappy feelings. But when we begin to extend ourselves, helping your friend with the homework, walking the dog for mom or dad, or doing little things to bigger things, we naturally feel helpful. We feel happier. It just gives you that boost. So recognizing the we, we, we idea of like we’re in it together is really something that can help boost mood. As soon as you help someone else, you forget about your own problems. Like you forget what you were worried about, what you were anxious about. So it takes you out of that thing that's been troubling you. It can even be something small like, “Mom or dad, what can I do around the house?” It can even be – Some kids are motivated by money. I remember when I was little. This is a silly story, but my parents knew that I always needed a project. I had a lot of energy. I did. I had a lot of energy. They're like, “We’ll give you a penny for every weed you pick in the backyard.” I'm like, “All right, I'll take them all.” So you can harness what motivates someone, and they can be helpful, and they can learn, “Oh, I actually enjoyed doing that.” [00:17:26] PF: Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a great way to do it. Then what kind of skills are you setting them up for the rest of their life? Like when they discover, “Wow, if I'm doing something that's helping others, and it makes me happier,” I think how is that going to change the trajectory of their life? [00:17:42] MH: It also allows them to realize like, “I can choose a career later in life, or I can choose something to do with my life that feels more fun, more playful, and I can actually get paid for it.” I like that idea because we do need more people who are excited and interested about their work. [00:17:58] PF: At Live Happy, we talk a lot about gratitude. So you also talk about gratitude. I was so interested that you talk about starting a child on a gratitude journal because we've only ever discussed it in terms of adulthood, and I think maybe teens. But, wow, how do you start with a child, start doing a gratitude journal, and start them thinking about gratitude from their perspective? [00:18:23] MH: Yeah. It's a great idea. I mean, we can certainly harness technology as well. Sometimes, they want to take pictures of things they're grateful for. But, I mean, I really love Martin Seligman’s three good things every night, where every night before you go to bed, you think of three good things from the day. Oftentimes, we'll get up to 10, 15, 20, and it's really awesome and really feel those. But other days, it's like, I'm like, “Okay, I got one,” and I'm like waiting and waiting. I’m like, “All right, two. I'm alive. Three, I'm healthy.” So I think it's the practice. It's those little habits that help plant the seeds, moving your mind in a more optimistic positive direction and also the idea of being grateful. It’s really feeling the feelings of gratitude, really feeling thankful, and then taking it to appreciation, which is demonstrating that gratitude. But I think with kids, it's really not just writing thank you notes and not thinking about it but feeling the feeling and saying, “Mom, I'm really thankful for this.” Or saying to your friend, “Thank you for your help, for lending me your pencil,” like really meaning it. I think those are important lessons because they are lifelong seeds that get planted. Like you said, the more grateful you are, the happier you are. It’s not about – I guess what I'm trying to say also is like kids really mimic us. So for us to do the best we can to develop a gratitude practice. It could be a journal, but it can also be something out loud, driving to school, driving and go get a cup of tea together in the car. You can say, “All right, what are we grateful for today?” “Oh, I don't want to do this.” “All right. Well, do it for me. Help me.” You know what I mean? Do it. Make it fun. [00:19:54] PF: Yeah. I was going to ask. So what if you have a child who's too young to write and that's a great age still to instill this practice in them? How would you go about that with younger kids? [00:20:05] MH: Well, I would make it really playful. Like what are the five things we can be grateful for that are purple? We can come up with – [00:20:11] PF: Oh, I love that. [00:20:12] MH: Do you know what I mean? With something that's just they can hold on to that's just silly. But they're beginning that practice. [00:20:20] PF: Then you just through the years move them into a bona fide gratitude practice. [00:20:24] MH: Yeah, and to the best of their ability. I mean, I'm not a fan of forcing things. But I do believe that when kids like start to do something, something even simple like three good things, eventually they feel like – Or even I've had parents do it like around the kitchen table. Everyone pick one nice thing or good thing they can say from the day. It starts to open up the dialog. Oh, you did that today? Oh, I did this today. Oh, you did that today. It starts to feel good. Like you have a voice in the family, and that's special too. [00:20:50 PF: Yeah. I have one friend who he and his wife started this, and now they have two young children. It's called what went well. So every night at dinner, that's what they would do, instead of – Because that dinner is a place where you sit down. It's like, “Oh, my god. You wouldn't believe what happened today.” Instead, it's like they sit down and go, “What went well today?” Each person tells what went well. He says after doing that, suddenly whatever didn't go well, unless it was really big, you kind of feel silly bringing it up. [00:21:20] MH: That's beautiful. Because I think that those are the small little low-hanging fruit practices that make a mighty difference for a child and actually for an adult too because I think if you don't have, I would say, control. But if you can't focus your mind where you want it to go, our minds are – They’re like little monkeys. They'll go anywhere. They'll go to, “What went wrong today, and this went wrong, and that went wrong, and I'm afraid of that. What if this happens?” It's like, “No, no, no, no. Let's focus on what went well.” Then your mood boosts up, and then you had the courage to handle the challenges. [00:21:50] PF: Yeah. Then also, you spend your whole day thinking about, “Okay, what am I going to say tonight?” So you are going through the day kind of looking for what is going well. [00:21:59] MH: Absolutely. [00:22:01] PF: You give so many great tips and practices in your book, and it all speaks to your point that becoming happier as a skill. Can you talk about that? How do we start looking at happiness as a skill and taking it on just as if we were going to improve any other skill in our life? [00:22:17] MH: Yeah. I guess I would say an important point that happiness isn't static. It's dynamic, right? We have days that are lemons, and we can make lemonade some days, and other days they’re just lemons. The idea of becoming happier, which would be better than before and improving our mood is a skill. So it's just like we said, with your friend who did the what went well. It’s like we can intentionally and consciously make choices on what to think, and even when things are really stinky. You can say, “Oh, well. I won't do that again.” We can learn. I remember years, decades ago. I showed up somewhere, and I had one shoe was brown, and one shoe was blue. I was like, “Oh, my goodness.” So, I mean, we all do silly things. Just focusing our mind that happier is a skill. It's a practice. Learning how to do the things that if you think of your emotional toolbox that you put in your toolbox, when you need to feel calm, you do X. You have a whole bunch of tools there to get calm. When you're feeling angry, this is what lowers your anger. When you're feeling sad, maybe you write in your journal or talk to a friend or just take a nap and wake up and feel better. You know what I mean? You do things that allow emotions to go through you and that there are no bad emotions. It's just really what you do with them. They're sort of all signposts to what's going on inside. Beginning to understand how those emotions work is really why I wrote The Happiness Workbook for Kids because it is a skill. It is. I know from my own life, you do certain practices, think certain thoughts. Allow yourself to realize that you do have the power to become happier, and then you become happier. [00:23:51] PF: That's fantastic. Can you tell us a little bit about the workbook? Because we are doing a giveaway. People can – After the interview, I'll tell them how they can go sign up to be part of the giveaway, and we'll also put it on our website. But tell us about the workbook and what it's like and what parents can expect from it. [00:24:06] MH: Great question. So I divided the workbook into three sections. The first is understanding your emotions. The second is expressing your emotions, meaning like expressing them constructively, making smart choices with them, even the tricky ones. Then the third section is becoming happier. So really, like we talked about gratitude. Lots of different practices that help you become happier. The Happiness Work for Kids is interesting because it helps children go through it and have their emotional ahas. But it's also something that parents can go through and get some ideas. The other thing that I was so excited and interested is a lot of teachers have been using it in the classroom. [00:24:45] PF: Oh, that makes sense. [00:24:46] MH: So that I love because there are certain activities, whether it's a smart choice, which I explained is it's good for you and good for others. For example, a choice for you to get your anger out is screaming, but it's not good for the whole class. So it's learning how to make smart choices. Oftentimes, parents had to help the younger kids. Like what are some smart choices at school if you feel big emotions? Or what are some foreign choices at home? Because I do believe that if you can pre-pave the path and help children identify the choices they have, they can make better choices. But sometimes, they're not thinking and they're reacting so quickly that it's just knee-jerk reactions. So it's helpful to go through the activities. The book that works with this book, I wrote before this book, was The Emotionally Healthy Child, and that's for adults. This is really the translation of that book for children. It's really how to give kids the ideas directly that can help them have those emotional ahas and realize that they're powerful co-creators. They can choose to become happier if they want, and it may take some practice like teachers and books and assistants. But I'm a big believer that nearly anyone can do it. [00:25:55] PF: It's so encouraging. I love hearing that. This is a skill that we just do not talk about enough. I love that teachers are picking this up. But I think what a great way to change the world is by teaching the children this skill of how to become happier. So thank you so much for the work you're doing, for creating this book and this path. I think a lot of us adults are going to take it because we need the ideas, and we'll use them for ourselves. But, again, thank you for coming on the show and talking about it. [00:26:24] MH: Thank you for having me. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:26:30] PF: That was Maureen Healy, talking about how to make this summer happier for your entire family. If you'd like to follow Maureen on social media or learn more about her books, visit our website at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. Throughout July, we're celebrating Live Happy’s summer of fun month. As part of that, we're giving away some prize packs that include great Live Happy merchandise, Maureen’s new book, The Happiness Workbook for Kids, and some other very cool family-friendly gifts. Visit our website or follow us on social media to learn more and find out how to enter. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]