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A Grumble-Free Life With Amy Parker & Tricia Goyer

As moms, Amy Parker and Tricia Goyer were no stranger to “the grumbles.” As writers, that led them to team up on the children’s book, The Grumbles: A Story About Gratitude. Find out what inspired this book, how it changed their families and how it can help your family learn to live in gratitude. In this episode, you'll learn: How (and why) to identify your “grumble style”. What you can do to adopt a more grateful mindset. Why it’s important to teach children a gratitude practice. Links and Resources To celebrate World Gratitude Day (9/21), we're giving three lucky winners a copy of The Grumbles: A Story About Gratitude and a Live Happy t-shirt of choice on store.livehappy.com. Enter to win on Instagram! Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:

Self-Care

Finding Joy Again

How to recover from loss and live happier now. The search for happiness is often a journey that’s filled with hurdles and detours. But, what happens when you find that life, profession or person that brings you joy—only to have it taken away? “Loss is an inherent part of the human narrative. We have to experience loss to experience the joy,” says Randi Waldman, a professional counselor and educator who specializes in helping patients rediscover happiness. “By working through the pain, we have the opportunity to grow, find purpose and, ultimately, live a fuller life.” Randi knows firsthand how daunting that journey can be. She was a divorced, single mother of three children, one of whom was severely disabled, trying to survive on a teacher’s salary when she decided to go to graduate school. Ultimately, the loss of her marriage and the need to provide for her kids were the catalysts that lead her to her true calling. “I think it’s human nature to want one, big answer to emerge right away. But, recovery typically happens with little shifts,” she says. “It’s much like weight loss. There’s real value in starting small, making incremental changes every day.” Although everyone has a different timeline, finding your way after loss means venturing into the unknown. “It’s important not to attach yourself to one outcome, as this will morph throughout life,” Randi says. “Instead of saying, ‘I will be happy when I do X, Y or Z,’ be open to the possibilities. You can’t go back to the life you had, but you do have the opportunity to add to that life—sometimes in extraordinary ways.” From Devastation to Life Purpose There’s no better example of that concept in action than Dana Donofree. In 2010, at the age of 27, she seemingly had it all—a great job as a director of design and merchandising, a fabulous fiancé and a very bright future. Then, the day before her birthday, two months before her wedding, she was diagnosed with ductal carcinoma. After a 14-month blur of treatments, including a bilateral mastectomy, reconstruction and a grueling chemotherapy regimen, Dana tried to regroup and get back to normal. But, even the most basic things were no longer normal. Including lingerie. “I remember pulling out all of these wonderful things I received at my bridal shower, only to discover that nothing worked with my new body,” she says. “The only bras that actually fit were these matronly, institutional things sold at the mastectomy shop.” She had her life, but she felt like she lost her femininity in the process. “As cancer survivors, we were supposed to just be happy that we were alive. But, no one was actually thinking about us actually living our lives post-surgery,” Dana says. “I realized that I was letting this dictate the way I felt about myself, the way I was acting, everything. The more survivors I talked to, the more I was inspired to do something about it.” Dana parlayed her background in the fashion industry into AnaOno, a company that creates beautiful lingerie designed to fit post reconstruction bodies. Was she scared? Absolutely. “Being scared and facing those fears gives you some of the best opportunities to grow, expand and become the person you want to become. I didn’t want to end my life wondering what if,” Dana says. “I wanted whatever amount of life I had left to have meaning.” For the past six years, she has not only made AnaOno a success, but has also used that platform for advocacy, fundraising and, in the process, has become a go-to resource on life after breast cancer for women worldwide. In business, as in passing her own cancer-free milestone, Dana continues to beat the odds. “For all of the darkness of my cancer, there’s been five times more brightness that’s come out of it all,” she says. “I have met incredible people. I’ve learned how to live a happier life. And, I know I’m making a difference.” The Ability to Cope Why do some people thrive after setbacks while others struggle? Are some people simply born made of tougher stuff? Yes and no. “About one-third of the qualities that make people resilient are grounded in their DNA. But, two-thirds of those characteristics are acquired throughout their lifespan,” explains Rick Hanson, Ph.D., psychologist, best-selling writer and author of the new book Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness. “It’s important to know that resilience is more than recovering from loss or trauma. People who are resilient are also able to pursue opportunities in the face of challenges.” Joey Anders has always been one of those people. By age 11, he wanted to go to college. But, as the son of a single mother working two jobs, he knew that the onus was on him to find a way there. So, he decided to excel at basketball. Joey was athletic, but definitely not a basketball prodigy. “I believed, if I worked harder than everyone else, that I could become as good as any player,” Joey says. He was right. At just 6-foot-1, Joey earned a college scholarship, with pro potential. Then came the severe ACL injury at all-star camp the summer after his freshman year. Just like that, his basketball career was gone. “Sure, I cried. But then, I had to figure out how to survive,” Joey says. “If you’re in a burning house, you don’t crawl under the bed. You start knocking out windows until you find a way out. So, I started looking in every crevice of my being for any talent I thought I could develop if I worked hard enough.” He decided to pursue golf. Although he never played before, he believed that with his natural coordination and ability to solve puzzles, he would be good at the game. He started hitting balls on the driving range and logging hours on the course. In just one year, Joey accomplished the near-unheard-of feat of going from novice to pro-level golfer and was accepted into the golf management program at New Mexico State University. The thing is, he wasn’t surprised. “I think most of us are capable of more than we’re doing with our lives. We have so many more possibilities than we realize,” Joey says. “You just have to believe in yourself, and give yourself permission to dream.” Now, 19 years later, he is one of the top junior golf instructors in the country, making an impact on myriad young hopefuls every year. One of his original students was the then 8-year-old Jordan Spieth, now a top-ranked superstar on the PGA Tour. Although he still feels a rush when basketball season begins, Joey has nothing but gratitude for the way his life turned out so far. “Joey is a classic example of what Carol Dweck calls the ‘growth mindset’; he sees himself as someone who can learn, rather than someone with a finite amount of talent. He knew he could get better at things if he plugged away at them,” Rick Hanson explains. “He stayed focused on the opportunity, instead of avoiding the pain of being knocked down again.” In short, Joey achieved incredible outcomes because he was willing to take on the risk of dreaming big dreams. The Strength to Love Again Perhaps the most profound reality of human life is the fact that we all will lose someone we love. As Thomas Attig, Ph.D., wrote in The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Love, “The central challenge for mourners is to move from loving someone who is present to loving them even though they’re absent. Death ends a life, but it doesn’t end the relationship.” Honoring that love while still moving on is a challenge that Julie Huỳnh-Ruskunderstands all too well. From the moment she met Liam, she knew that this striking Green Beret was “the one.” Two years later, the couple was engaged with a wedding planned after he returned from a six-month deployment in Afghanistan. Yet just weeks before his deployment ended, Liam was killed by an Afghan soldier the U.S. was training. Her first day alone, Julie couldn’t get out of bed. Then, she used her love as the catalyst to move forward. “I spent a lot of time thinking about Liam, and how he might want me to recover from this,” Julie says. “He lived life with such fervor that he never had a down moment. To honor him, I had to try to make something meaningful out of it all.” She did everything she could to heal: books, therapy, grief seminars and connecting with military peer mentors who had suffered a similar loss. “I realized that, even with all the support around me, I had to find my way myself,” Julie says. Julie decided that the best way to honor Liam was to fulfill the dreams they had together. So, with an urn of his ashes in tow, she went solo on hikes, climbs and excursions, scattering a little part of him as she worked her way through their bucket list. Every adventure brought a little more healing, a little more independence. She got a new job, and in time, even became open to the idea of dating again. But, it was difficult to talk about Liam with people outside the military, or the fact that he would always be a part of her life. On a skydiving trip to mark the second anniversary of Liam’s death, everything changed. That’s when she met Shane, a skydiving expert and Green Beret who accompanied her on the jump. “He was so easy to talk to. He understood what I went through as only someone in the military could,” Julie says. The two never stopped talking. Ultimately, honoring Liam was the very thing that led Julie back to love. “So often, people are afraid that if they stop grieving for someone, they’ll forget that person, so they stay stuck in sadness,” Randi says. Julie found a way to work through her grief without ever giving up her love for Liam. She honored his life by also moving on with hers. We All Have It in Us Loss, trauma and setbacks are inherent to the human experience. But, we also have the capabilities to grow from the pain, rediscover joy and live a happy life. “We are resilient creatures, we Homo sapiens. Deep down inside, we are tough critters,” Rick says. “If you tap into your own natural sturdiness and strength of character, and look for those little things you can do every day that help you recover, heal and redeem yourself, life will gradually get better.” Sometimes, better than you ever imagined.

Portrait Of Smiling Young Friends Walking Outdoors Together

science

What is Positive Psychology—and What Does it Do for Us?

When Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D., became president of the American Psychological Association in 1998, he chose a theme that would change the course of modern psychology. Until that point, psychology had focused on studying and correcting abnormal behaviors and mental illness; in essence, it was about fixing what was “wrong.” Martin introduced a radical new concept: to focus instead on happiness and positivity to encourage what was right and nurture our best assets. This approach spawned a movement and area of study that today is known as positive psychology. Martin, flanked by psychologists Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Ph.D., and Christopher Peterson, Ph.D., is viewed as a founding father and chief architect of this new mindset, presenting a broad range of solutions for discovering personal happiness. Martin’s theory of PERMA, Mihaly’s theory of flow and Chris and Martin’s groundbreaking work on character strengths and virtues all were major contributions to the foundation of positive psychology. This combination of feeling well and functioning on a higher level quickly resonated with both practitioners and the general public. Positive psychology offered many paths to nurturing that well-being, including character strengths, meaning and purpose, flow and mindfulness, hope and optimism—and more. “Once every 500 years an idea comes along that sweeps away the religious and political doctrines of the time and creates entirely new structure,” Martin said at the Fifth World Congress on Positive Psychology in 2017. “I believe that idea is human flourishing and well-being…the building of human flourishing and the building of well-being.” Moving Into the Mainstream Martin defines positive psychology as “the study of what constitutes the pleasant life, the engaged life and the meaningful life.” His goal—to shift the psychology mindset from a disease-focused model to one that searches for the conditions that lead to flourishing—has taken root over the past two decades. Since 2000, according to University of Cambridge’s Felicia A. Huppert, initiatives and interventions have been adopted by schools, colleges and universities, giving rise to the growing practice of positive education. Today, the applications of positive psychology go far beyond the classrooms, reaching into corporations and governments. “The most impactful steps are those taken by the big players, like national governments and the United Nations,” says Anneke Buffone, lead research scientist for the World Well-Being Project at the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania. “They have understood the importance of well-being and have begun to act. Governments today understand that a nation’s growth and success is about so much more than the [Gross Domestic Product]. The effects of this will be profound.” Already, it has changed the way some governments measure success. In 2011, the Kingdom of Bhutan, which has built policy around the Gross National Happiness Index rather than the GDP, introduced a resolution to the U.N. General Assembly. The measure, which the U.N. adopted, called for a global emphasis on happiness and well-being. Today, the United Arab Emirates even has a ministry of happiness, whose role is to develop strategies for promoting well-being among its citizens. Many governments have adopted a happiness focus and strategically implemented changes that lead citizens toward greater well-being, Anneke says. Projects like the annual World Happiness Report, a survey of global happiness published by the Sustainable Development Solutions Network, help raise awareness about happiness around the world and the conditions that support it as well as those that undermine it. Taking Positive Psychology to Work Much of our lives are spent working, and Anneke says the workplace is one area where positive psychology’s influence is most evident. “Countless workplaces now have well-being initiatives and there are more discussions than ever about policies that support better work-life balance,” she says. “Millennials demand jobs that fulfill them and allow them to strategically use character strengths, which is a direct result of positive psychology principles that have been disseminated in our society.” That may be the reason for the mindset shift reflected in Gallup’s State of the American Workplace 2017 report. Today, 53 percent of Americans say they would rather have a job that contributes to their personal well-being than one that pays well. They’re looking for greater work-life balance and consider well-being to be “very important” in their job choices. And, Anneke says, industry is taking note. “More and more companies aspire to be positive businesses, companies that value making the world a better place, companies that want to create value for customers, employees and the company as a whole.” For example, concepts like Mihaly’s theory of flow—which is a mental state of marked energized focus and engagement—have been adopted by forward-thinking workplaces that see the benefit both for the employee and the company. Additionally, many organizations—including Goldman Sachs and IBM—have created resilience programs to help employees better manage the unique stresses of their jobs. Bringing It Home Positive psychology is also being welcomed as a tool for parenting and improving relationships. Practices that are integral to positive psychology, such as gratitude, compassion, savoring and optimism all provide pathways to stronger relationships at home. Courses and books on topics like mindful parenting and strengths-based parenting have helped shift the focus to emphasizing what works, what needs to be encouraged and how to bring out the best in a child. Like the science in which it is rooted, positive parenting is about identifying and using one’s potential and abilities to create a happy and meaningful life. And, with the “R” in PERMA standing for positive relationships, it’s no surprise that positive psychology tenets play a major factor in how our closest and most important relationships play out. Learning how to improve those bonds with positive psychology practices, both as a giver and as a recipient, increases the strength of our relationships. That, in turn, contributes to what is called the “upward spiral” of happiness. Today, Anneke says scientists see more integration of positive psychology and technology. “I believe this space will become more impactful, especially as data empowers people to manage their own well-being,” she says. “Positive psychology principles can be guiding principles of transformation, which will have an unbelievably positive impact on current and future generations."

Happy senior husband and wife have fun sing in kitchen appliances cooking together at home.

science

Happy for Life

A long, full and vibrant life has long been seen as an enviable stroke of good luck, the result of good genes or perhaps a gift from the gods. As technology continues to provide new medical breakthroughs that can expand our lifespans, the idea of a long life seems to be an attainable goal for most of us. But there’s a catch, says David Ekerdt, Ph.D., a professor of sociology and gerontology at the University of Kansas. While David acknowledges that a longer life has become a valued public health objective, he observes that, “At the individual level, longer lives are a goal only if [the individual] remains healthy.” His study, “Is longevity a value for older adults?” was published in December in the Journal of Aging Studies. He looked at aging adults from China, Germany and the U.S. and found they all shared one common belief: A long life requires good health to make it worthwhile. Recent research shows the path to long-term health may not be as dependent on genes or good luck as we once thought; science shows that our thoughts and actions play a bigger role in overall health than we previously realized. Starting Younger, Living Better If it’s a long, happy life you’re after, the time to start is now—regardless of whether you’re 5 or 35. The foundation for a long life is established early on; the habits and mindset you pick up along the way will affect your health much more than your family traits and curses. George Vaillant, director emeritus of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, says how long and how well we live is about much more than our genes, jobs, physical exercise or diet. The Harvard study, launched in 1938, examines what creates a long, healthy life. Today, it extends to the descendants of that original research project and gives an unprecedented look into what allows us to live better. “Genetics has much less effect on how long someone lives than their habits,” says George, who headed the study for 30 years. He found alcoholism and smoking to be the two deadliest practices, while moderate exercise and a stable weight tend to equal a longer life. Beyond that, the research shows, longevity depends upon our emotions and relationships. “People who live a long time have a lot of positive emotion,” he says. “And that means being part of a community. It’s hard to have positive emotion on a deserted island; you need other people.” Finding Your Tribe Positive emotions and good relationships are not only bedrock principles of positive psychology; they have been found to be instrumental to good health. While unhappy marriages and stressful relationships have been proven deterrents to good health, individuals with healthy relationships have 35 percent fewer illnesses. “The key to healthy aging is relationships, relationships, relationships,” George says. Well-being researcher Dan Buettner agrees. The Blue Zones author has studied what leads to longer, more fulfilling lives and has found that not only are happiness and good health tightly intertwined, but that social interaction can help you live longer and better. “We are more likely to be happy if we get five to seven hours of meaningful social interaction a day,” he says. “Making sure that you have happy friends affects how long you live, because that’s contagious. And focusing on your immediate social network is more important than either diet or exercise programs when it comes to living a long, happy, healthy life.” He says having five positive-minded people who share interests in recreation—whether it’s golfing, walking or gardening—and who truly care about you will have powerful incremental effects on your well-being. “That is almost the surest thing you can do in the long run for both making it to a healthy age 90 or 95 and enjoying the journey. [Happiness adds] about eight years to your life expectancy; it’s almost as good for you as quitting smoking.” Tending to Your Telomeres If the notion that simply being happy and focusing on positive relationships can offset aging seems hard to believe, Elissa Epel, Ph.D., has the proof. Elissa co-authored the book, The Telomere Effect with 2009 Nobel Prize winner Elizabeth Blackburn, Ph.D., and their research shows that greater happiness equals longer lives. Telomeres—those caps at the end of each strand of DNA—protect our chromosomes and affect how quickly and how well our cells age. Telomeres shorten as we age, but practices like smoking, lack of exercise, a poor diet and stress also can shorten them. But now, Elissa says, there’s growing proof that just changing your mindset can change your telomeres, leading to a longer, happier life. Focusing on the positive and finding ways to be fully engaged with your life has a proven association with longer telomeres. Practices like meditation, tai chi and qigong can reduce stress and increase the production of telomerase, an enzyme that replenishes telomeres. Adopting happiness practices and learning to focus on the positives are scientifically proven to be some of the most beneficial practices for maintaining the length of telomeres. “Mindset and mental health are some of the most important parts of healthy aging,” Elissa says. “We can’t forget the daily work of good, healthy habits…but fewer people realize that where we put our attention is also critically important.” Don’t miss Paula’s interview on the Live Happy Now podcast with Dr. Joe Bates as he explains how to use brain exercises to keep your mind young and fit. This article originally appeared in the October 2018 edition of Live Happy magazine.

work

Happiness Clocks In

In Denmark, happiness in the workplace is so valued that they even have a name for it: arbejdsglæde. Roughly translating into “work joy” or “work happiness,” it’s a word that seems foreign to U.S. workers in more ways than one. During the course of our lives, we spend roughly 90,000 hours working, so it makes sense that we’d want to enjoy that part of our lives. While previous generations may have focused their attention on paying the bills and working hard to build a good life for their families, today’s workers expect a greater work and life balance. In fact, Gallup’s 2017 State of the American Workplace report found that 53 percent of workers say that having a position with greater work/life balance and increased personal well-being is “very important.” And they increasingly expect employers to play a role in that. The 2017 Staples Annual Workplace Study discovered that 80 percent of workers believe employers have a responsibility to keep employees both mentally and physically well. Given the connection between happiness, good health and productivity, bosses would do well to listen. “People who are happy at work have better health, are happier in life and enjoy greater career success and lifetime incomes,” says Alexander Kjerulf, CEO of the Danish company Woohoo inc. It’s good for the company, too. Economists from the University of Warwick found that happier people are 12 to 20 percent more productive and use their time more effectively. “Companies like Google have invested more in employee support and employee satisfaction has risen as a result,” says Andrew Oswald, professor of economics and behavioral science at the University of Warwick and one of the authors of the study. “For Google, [productivity] rose 37 percent. Making workers happy really pays off.” Rules of Engagement But what, exactly, makes for a happy workplace? It’s more than Google’s free food and arcade games that make employees want to work harder and do better; it’s most likely the autonomy, the ability to learn on the job and the variety of challenges that contribute to happiness and greater productivity. All of those elements were found to be major contributing factors to work satisfaction in the Gallup report. “Autonomy is a key human motivator, and that includes autonomy at work,” says Scott Crabtree, chief happiness officer and founder of Happy Brain Science, a consulting company that helps organizations boost productivity and happiness. “Nobody enjoys being micromanaged, so why do it to others?” Employees who fare best are those who are given clear goals or expectations, limited feedback (and only when necessary) and the freedom to move forward on their own. That kind of approach leads to an engaged workforce—and engaged workers are happy ones. Making a Play for Workplace Happiness Engaging workers is easier said than done. While it’s not a new problem for workers or for employers, it is becoming more important. One of the new drivers of employee engagement is gamification, which applies game mechanics to nongame settings—such as the workplace. This allows employers to develop rewards, encourage employees and improve performance in a more accessible, enjoyable way. As he studied more about happiness in the workplace, Scott—who has a background in video game design—was surprised to learn that what makes people happy and engaged in video games are the same elements that engage us at work. “What makes games so compelling, according to science, is that you find core human intrinsic motivators in them; these are psychological needs that we all have,” he says. “Specifically, those needs are autonomy, relatedness and mastery, and the best video games satisfy our needs for that. “It’s exciting to know that the things that engage us in playing games are the same things that engage us in making work more rewarding and engaging.” Playing With a Full Deck Scott merged the research on workplace happiness with positive psychology principles into a game called Choose Happiness @ Work. Using two decks of cards, players work through a set of problems based on real-world work scenarios. One player draws a problem, and the other players recommend one of the solutions they’ve drawn from the other deck. “It gets everyone talking about how these different solutions will work. Every solution has real science behind it,” Scott says. Those solutions apply principles of positive psychology to resolve the scenario. “I use this a lot in workshops and presentations, and there’s a lot of laughter,” he says. “There’s not enough laughter in the workplace. So even though it’s a ‘serious’ game, it’s a lot of fun.” Even in its levity, however, the game is providing ideas and guidelines for solving workplace problems, improving communication and creating greater engagement. The solutions presented are designed to make players think differently and respond to situations using a positive, engaged approach. “When you talk to people about gamification at work, most people immediately go to the surface stuff: We’ll give people points and badges and prizes. All of that is great and it works, but it works better if you understand why it’s working and what it’s all about,” Scott says. “In work and in games, it’s all about progress and mastery.” While workplaces may have been reluctant to introduce initiatives for employee happiness in the past, today that mindset is changing. “I understand that we’re at work to get things done, but fun is not the opposite of productivity. Science shows us it can be a great complement to productivity,” Scott says. “If you take 5 percent of your time to boost happiness at work, and you get a 20 percent productivity boost out of that investment, then I would say that’s a fantastic return on investment.” This article originally appeared in the October 2018 Edition of Live Happy magazine.

Podcast

Finding Happiness in a Socially Distanced World with Dr. Jennifer Wegmann

We talk a lot about the importance of social connection for maintaining our well-being, but how do you find happiness when you’re socially distanced? This week’s guest is Dr. Jennifer Wegmann, a professor in the Department of Health and Wellness Studies at Binghamton University. She teaches classes on stress management and contemporary health Issues, and her audiobook Resilience: How to Master Stress, Reduce Anxiety, and Live Well, provides listeners with a new, informed mindset about stress. She’s here to talk about how we can improve our happiness and our connections while staying safe and healthy. In this episode, you'll learn: The difference between social distancing and isolation. How this current time can help us re-evaluate what we need for our personal happiness. How finding purpose during a pandemic can help us help others. Links and Resources LinkedIn: Jennifer Wegmann Don't miss an episode! Live Happy Now is available at the following places:

Practice

More Than a Feeling

Whether dealing with a major life-shattering event or a small bump in the road, gratitude can help boost our happiness and change our outlook. While it won’t change our circumstances, experts say it can change how we feel about them. “Gratitude is a core part of each of us,” explains Ryan Niemiec, Psy.D., education director for Cincinnati’s VIA Institute on Character. “Gratitude is easy to tap into, and when you tap into that strength, it’s truly energizing.” Research on gratitude during the past 15 years has shown that it has many benefits—physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s been found to improve job performance, strengthen marriages and friendships, and enhance overall wellbeing. It is linked to stronger immune systems, lowered blood pressure, greater compassion and lowered stress levels. Gratitude also provides us with greater optimism and can increase happiness by as much as 25 percent. The research pointing to gratitude’s benefits, as well as the increased attention it has been receiving, have encouraged many people to begin incorporating it into their daily lives, Ryan says. Part of its appeal is how simple it is to apply: “Just count your blessings. Write down things you’re thankful for. Say ‘thank you’ more. Write a gratitude letter to someone—all of these are things that are easy to identify with and easy to do.” Your Brain on Gratitude People’s definitions of gratitude vary—some call it an attitude, some call it an action, some call it an emotion. It’s one of VIA’s 24 character strengths and falls under the category of “transcendence,” which encompasses strengths that forge connections to the larger universe and provide our lives with meaning. What’s interesting about gratitude, says Christina Karns, Ph.D., a research associate at the University of Oregon, is that all those definitions are correct. “It really is more than one thing,” she says. “As an emotion, it is complex and is made up of other emotions. Gratitude feels good—it is rewarding—but it’s also humbling [when you] consider what others have done for us.” Studies are showing that people with higher gratitude levels experience more activity in the hypothalamus, which is the “control center” for everything from functions like eating, drinking and sleeping to metabolism and stress levels. Like other feel-good emotions such as love and compassion, gratitude releases a rush of dopamine, a neurotransmitter in the brain that makes us feel great both physically and emotionally. That’s why, scientists say, it improves sleep, lessens physical discomfort, and lowers stress and anxiety. It also helps create what they call a “virtuous cycle”—as you get the feel-good rush of gratitude, your brain starts looking for more things to be grateful for, hoping to get that next rush. The more we look for (and find) things we’re grateful for, the more we realize how blessed we are. After practicing gratitude for years and seeing how it improved her life and helped her through hard times, Christina began researching how it affects the way our brains are wired and how gratitude affects our reward systems. Her current research, which will be published in 2015, studies the key changes gratitude creates in the brain. She uses functional magnetic resonance imaging, or fMRI, to show which regions of the brain are affected by gratitude. Her research shows that gratitude relies on and triggers multiple brain systems, so she now is studying how gratitude-based exercises can change our behavior, brain responses and improve our connections with other people. “It’s fascinating how much [we] can change what our brain processes moment to moment, and how those changes can affect the wiring of the brain long term,” she says. While her studies have not yet identified how long an act of gratitude affects the brain, or if that effect can be prolonged, one thing has become clear: “Gratitude will make lasting changes in the brain—but only if you keep practicing!” Consistency is key, experts agree. Robert Emmons, Ph.D., of the University of California, Davis, has shown that people who keep a gratitude journal significantly increase their wellbeing over time, something he attributes to the way it makes us focus on the positives rather than the negatives. It helps us overcome what psychologists call our negativity bias, the natural tendency to remember negative experiences over positive ones. “When we become more grateful, it helps us focus on what is important to us,” explains Louis Alloro of the Certificate in Applied Positive Psychology program in Philadelphia. “We are conditioned to focus on what’s not working rather than looking at what is working. Gratitude changes what we look at and how we see it.” In fact, one Gallup study reports that more than 90 percent of American teens and adults said expressing gratitude made them “somewhat” or “extremely” happy. This same mindset is backed up by numerous studies showing the link between gratitude and an emotionally fulfilling life, personal growth, forgiveness, hope, optimism and even global positive effect. In Sickness and in Health Since much of the attention given to gratitude looks at emotional benefits and how it boosts an already healthy immune system, far less is known about the role of gratitude in people who are already sick. That led Fuschia Sirois, Ph.D., a professor in the department of psychology at Bishop’s University in Sherbrooke, Quebec, to research how gratitude affects people with chronic illness. Her co-author on the study, Alex Wood, Ph.D., director of the Behavioral Science Centre at the Stirling Management School at the University of Stirling in Scotland, studied gratitude as a tool for wellbeing in healthy individuals—then wondered if it would be similarly beneficial for those with ongoing health challenges. “Research tends to focus on the negative consequences of living with illness rather than how people can live well and flourish with chronic illness,” Fuschia says. What their studies found was that noticing “all the small but positive things in one’s life is key for enhancing happiness and wellbeing. When this becomes habitual, it can improve mood and adjustment.” Fuschia and Alex compared patients who practiced gratitude with those who practice “benefit finding,” which involves looking at what they have gained from their experience. The researchers found the gratitude group enjoyed significantly greater wellbeing and were less vulnerable to depression. “This is very important for individuals living with chronic illness, as [their] depression rates tend to be much higher compared to those without ongoing health issues,” she says. And, with further research, she said gratitude may be studied as an accompaniment to traditional medicine for overcoming health challenges in the future. In more than a dozen studies conducted since 2003, gratitude has consistently been shown to lower the incidence of eating disorders, anxiety, phobias, dependence on drugs, alcohol and nicotine—among other ailments. Additional studies indicate that practicing gratitude has even helped Vietnam War veterans overcome post-traumatic stress disorder. Outcomes have been so positive that Todd Kashdan, Ph.D., of George Mason University, believes further research is needed to see how gratitude could be used to help survivors of other types of trauma heal and thrive. The evidence for gratitude’s role in a happy life is substantial, but Louis teaches that it’s important to do more than just “be” grateful. He advises taking it a step further and “feeling” gratitude each time you express it. “It is key to feel it in your heart instead of keeping it in your mind,” he says. “When you say you’re grateful for something, it’s very often something that happened in the past—even if it was earlier that day. So I encourage people to not just say why they’re grateful, but to take a moment to remember how they felt when that was happening.” Taking time to feel that appreciation again gives that ever-important rush of dopamine, immediately increasing blood flow and activity. Basically, we emotionally re-enact the experience that made us feel grateful, and in doing so, we instantly generate healing, positive feelings. “It takes a little more time and more effort,” Louis says, “but you’ll see such a difference in the way it affects you." This article originally appeared in the December 2014 edition of Live Happy magazine.

Lifestyle

Why Most Vacations Don’t Make You Happy and How to Fix That

Vacations are supposed to be good for the soul. But often the typical formula for “getting away from it all” doesn’t work. Most people were actually not happier after a vacation, researchers note in an Applied Research in Quality of Life journal article. The average vacation was not worth the trouble. But we got interested in whether it was the vacation or actions before and after that predicted the value of time away. We conducted our own research on the vacation ingredients that scientifically increase well-being. From that study we published in Harvard Business Review, we found that with the following four actions, you have a 97 percent chance of ensuring your vacations leave you with greater energy and happiness. BEFORE: Get excited about wild turkeys. You don’t have to have a lot of money or time to get the most out of a planned vacation or staycation. Our brains have trouble telling the difference between visualization and actual experience. Thus, if you want to get the benefits from a vacation even months early, starting dreaming about specifics now. The key is in the specificity. For example, we can’t wait to see wild turkeys each summer. We think about it for months leading up to our yearly vacation. It’s become a yearly tradition to relax on the back porch of our small rental home in Martha’s Vineyard on the night we arrive to wait for a roving band of wild turkeys to come through our yard. We usually spot the mom or dad turkey first, and then five to eight babies emerge from the underbrush. It’s a signal that summer— and our vacation—is in full swing. Whether you’re returning to an old stomping ground, going somewhere new or staying close to home, find a handful of things to get excited about ahead of time and visualize them: going with your mom for a walk around a lake near your childhood home, sipping grappa in Italy, binge-watching all of The Good Wife, or renting a convertible car for your drive down the coast. This “anticipatory savoring” can significantly increase happiness. If you’re taking your kids, spend time helping them to visualize the trip as well. Find happiness in the details. In our study, 74 percent of respondents consider the most stressful aspect of travel to be figuring out the details: travel uncertainty, transportation and being unfamiliar with the location. To overcome these obstacles, come up with a game plan, including hotels, flights and potential activities more than one month in advance. (If you need help, ask friends who have been to your destination, travel agents or local tour companies.). One month appears to be the key time to ensure higher levels of happiness from the trip; 90 percent of our happiest respondents had planned the details at least 30 days before leaving on their vacations. DURING: Extend your vacation. Happiness is a choice. So is a vacation. Our research-based advice is to take all the time off you’ve been given. According to an Expedia survey, each year Americans leave more than half a billion vacation days on the table. That’s four days of vacation per person! If you’re one of them, this is when we give you a serious talking-to (’cause we love you of course!). Take your vacation days. Every. Last. One. If you’re citing the all-to-common excuse, “I have too much to do and can’t leave,” let’s remember what happened the last time you cleared your to-do list. It filled back up again in no time! There is an infinite amount of work and chores, but we have a finite number of days to enjoy a vacation. Additionally, taking a vacation is good for your career! According to our work with Project: Time Off, people taking all their vacation time have a 6.5 percent higher chance of getting a raise or a promotion than their colleagues who leave 11 or more days of paid time off on the table. That study reminds us that staying at work does not mean getting ahead. AFTER: Celebrate and savor. As you remember your vacation, you can extend and renew the positive emotions from the trip by savoring your good memories. One of our favorite parts of our vacation often happens days or weeks after it is over. We organize our photos and gather our extended family around our living room to show them the highlights. For our vacation to Paris with little Leo last year, the slideshow ran a bit long because the trip was that good, but thankfully our family indulged us. (We fed them chocolate éclairs and wine to ease their pain!) Savoring, especially in a group setting with social support, is a way to maximize the benefits of positive experiences. Your brain gets a chance to relive them. Additionally, get-togethers like these promote social connection, which is the greatest predictor of long-term happiness. So round up a few friends, get together your best pictures and mementos and enjoy a night of wine, wild turkeys, grappa and scenic shots you took from the convertible! If you don’t have any vacations planned, take some time to remember a great trip from the past. Practice and acknowledge gratitude for your plans each day, starting a month before your time off. If you don’t pack your gratitude and positive mindset, no destination will make you happy. But if you look for the positives, you’ll find them everywhere you travel. This article originally appeared in the April 2016 edition of Live Happy magazine.

Practice

Choose Your Change Wisely

For years, Tal Ben-Shahar tried to implement a meditation practice into his daily routine. “I followed all the prescriptions, but I always ended up giving up,” he says. “I couldn’t make it work.” Then, he discovered yoga and found that he was able to enjoy a meditative experience by getting into the flow of his practice. “For me, the movement is much more engaging than sitting still in a room trying to follow my breath,” he explains. “And for me, listening to music is a meditative experience, so I use that as a meditation as well.” As people struggle to create lasting change in their lives, Tal, co-founder of The Wholebeing Institute and HappierTV.com, says that many of us are trying to force ourselves into making the changes we feel we “should” make. However, those changes might not always line up with the experiences that we truly want out of life, and, as a result, we often fall short. “People tell themselves they need to exercise, so they sign up to start going to the gym—but it’s not something that they really want to do,” he says. “In order to create lasting change, you need to find something that you naturally gravitate toward. Maybe a gym membership isn’t for you; maybe you’d be happier dancing or swimming. You need to do something that is more suitable to something you really enjoy and want to do.” As a new year begins, it’s common practice for us to commit to new habits, make resolutions and try to “do better” at any number of things. While those commitments are often laudable goals, they can also be fraught with danger and set us up to fail. “We’re more likely to stick with commitments if we enjoy them,” Tal says. So before you set a goal, make sure it’s more than merely attainable; make sure you can also find a way to make it enjoyable. Getting There is Half the Fun We’ve all known (or perhaps have even been) that person who sets his or her sights on a goal—say, losing 20 pounds—and goes after it with single-minded determination. But once the goal is conquered, the achiever slowly returns to old habits. Lasting change requires more than seeing an “end result,” it involves looking at the journey as a whole. Shelley E. Taylor, Ph.D., distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles has researched the role of visualization in achieving goals. She found that those who visualized the entire journey—not just the desired outcome—had greater success in reaching their goals. According to her research, those who mentally walked through the process of successfully reaching a goal were nearly two times more likely to succeed than those who simply looked at the end result. Tal suggests making that visualization the first step of any plan for change. “If you can visualize yourself not just being fit, but going to the gym and working out on specific equipment, it lets you visualize how that change will happen,” he says. That mindset is supported by the Hope Theory, which was introduced by Charles Richard “Rick” Snyder, the late Wright Distinguished Professor of Clinical Psychology at the University of Kansas. He maintained that hopeful thinking was made up of three components—setting goals, creating pathways to reach your goals, and believing you can achieve those goals. “He talked about the fact that it’s not just a matter of willpower, it’s way power,” Tal says. In other words, you can’t just make up your mind to accomplish something; you have to create a realistic plan for getting there. Planning for Success Tal says there are three components to creating a successful plan for lasting change: 1. It must involve precise behavior. Instead of saying, “I want to start meditating,” make it specific: “I am going to meditate every day for 10 minutes.” Or decide, “I am going to drink eight glasses of water every day” instead of saying, “I’m going to drink more water.” 2. You should create specific times to honor your commitment. Set a timer to remind you to drink a glass of water at certain times, or commit to meditating each morning at 6:30 a.m. when you get out of bed. 3. It must be a deeply held value. You have to believe in the value of implementing that change and truly become committed to making it last. “We need all three of these components,” Tal explains. “For me, being physically healthy is really important. I go to the gym, I run, I swim, I do yoga. And I put it in my Outlook calendar so that time is actually blocked out of my day. The good news about making changes—even if we’ve attempted and fallen short in the past—is that it actually gets easier over time. That’s because each time we start a new habit, our brains form a neural pathway around that habit. The longer we practice that habit, the deeper and more ingrained that pathway becomes. Even if we abandon it, our brains will recall that habit when we attempt it again. “Whether it’s hitting a forehand [stroke] in tennis, playing a piece of music or going to the gym, once you create a habit, the neural pathway is there. There’s a saying that the neurons that fire together, wire together. When we do the same activities over and over, those neurons wire together and we create a habit.” Overcoming Inertia Of course, getting started is often the biggest obstacle to change, and that’s not our fault. Tal points out that our subconscious self isn’t a big advocate for change and would rather stick with what’s familiar. Because of that, the first few weeks are crucial to making lasting change. “We are creatures of habit,” he says. “Our subconscious rejects change. We all get excited about the idea of making a New Year’s resolution, but if you understand the nature of habit, you’ll see that there’s a reason those changes don’t usually last beyond a day, a week or a month.” When we’ve been doing—or not doing—something for a long period of time, we’re accustomed to our daily routine. Change requires effort, while inertia does not. Much like our immune system attacks a foreign element that enters our body in the form of disease, our subconscious may rush in to fight the idea of change. That’s when it truly becomes a matter of commitment and refusing to listen to the devil on your shoulder. “There are many different hypotheses about how long it takes to truly change a habit,” Tal says. In 1887, American philosopher and psychologist William James wrote that it took 21 days to make a habit stick, but more recently, Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz, authors of The Power of Full Engagement, wrote that it takes about 30 to 60 days for a new habit to take root. Richard J. Davidson, Ph.D., founder of the Wisconsin-based Center for Investigating Healthy Minds, says changes in brain function are noticeable after just two weeks of changing a behavior or practice. The bottom line? Individual results may vary. “If we feel that something is embedded after doing it 20 times, maybe it has already become a habit for us. But maybe after 30 days, it still feels like a Herculean task to get up and go to the gym every day; it’s not a habit yet,” Tal says. “I think you have to look at each [response] individually. Don’t Try to Be Perfect One of the best things that we can do to boost our odds of successfully making change last, he says, is to let go of the idea of perfection. Use a little self-forgiveness and a lot of self-compassion if you fall short or miss a day. It’s not the end of the world, and there’s always tomorrow. “Perfection is the enemy of good,” Tal says. “If we’re more forgiving, it’s easier to bring about change in our lives. When we think we have to be perfect, a lot of times we end up doing nothing. It leads to inaction.” Instead, we should look at each day as a fresh opportunity to reinforce a new habit and make progress on our goal, even if we fell short the day before. “I’m sure that once in a while, all of us have fallen asleep without brushing our teeth,” he says. “That doesn’t mean we say we failed at it and we all quit brushing our teeth.” Perhaps the most important step in making change is simply to change the way we think about our need to reach a goal. “Making lasting change means giving yourself permission to be human. Just know that it may take a few times of trying before you succeed.” This article originally appeared in the February 2016 edition of Live Happy magazine.

work

What If It Were Easy?

When it comes to work, you might be considering finding a new job that really energizes you and creates more meaning in your life. Maybe you’re thinking it’s time to be compensated for what you are worth and ask your boss for a raise. Or maybe you’re contemplating going back to school to advance or switch careers. Regardless of what you’re seeking, if you are like many of the clients we coach, you are probably thinking, “This is going to be really hard.” Yet one of our favorite questions to ask our clients is, “What if it were easy?” “But it’s not easy,” one client, Rosa, said in an exasperated tone. “I know it’s not,” Margaret replied to Rosa’s idea of returning to school at age 35 to become a licensed therapist. “I went back to school at age 46. I know how hard it is, but what if it were easy? Let’s play with that idea a little. Where would you start?” These simple ideas—what if it were easy and let’s play a little—got Rosa to shift her perspective and begin breaking down the steps she needed to take. “OK, so I can’t quit my day job right now, but I could explore schools in my area and find out what kind of prerequisites I would need to apply.” “That’s a great start. What else could you do?” Margaret asked. For the next 30 minutes Rosa sketched out a plan and committed to making three small steps, including reaching out to a friend whose sister is a therapist. “I’ll ask if she would introduce us,” Rosa said.“I know I could learn a lot from her experience.” Stealing a line from actors Constantin Stanislavski originated the method by which actors emotionally embody their roles. One of his greatest contributions to acting is the magic “if.” Actors are encouraged to ask, “What if I were an 80-year-old grandmother?” or “What if my leg had been harmed in the war; how would I walk now?” And what if, just by asking yourself the question, you are more likely to take an action? Jonathan Levav of the Stanford Graduate School of Business and Gavan Fitzsimons of the Duke Fuqua School of Business uncovered a question-behavior link. Jonathan and Gavan found that merely asking people if they are going to do something, such as buying a car, made people more likely to buy cars compared with people who weren't asked such a question. So we, too, encourage you to ask yourself, “What if it were easy?” to see where it leads. Ask Yourself To shift to a “this is easy” mindset, here are a few other prompts to play with: 1. What if you had access to all of the resources you might need, what would you attempt right now? 2. What would your future self—you 20 years from now—advise you to do? 3. What would you do if you knew you couldn’t possibly fail?

A Grumble-Free Life With Amy Parker & Tricia Goyer

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What is Positive Psychology—and What Does it Do for Us?

Happy for Life

Happiness Clocks In

Finding Happiness in a Socially Distanced World with Dr. Jennifer Wegmann

More Than a Feeling

Why Most Vacations Don’t Make You Happy and How to Fix That

Choose Your Change Wisely

What If It Were Easy?

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