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17 Things Our Kids Teach Us About Happiness

Parenting isn’t easy. We wonder if we are doing a good enough job while we juggle multiple responsibilities and watch our kids grow up too fast. Sometimes we are so caught up in teaching our children that we forget to pause and ask ourselves what we can learn from them. What if children hold the secret to a meaningful and fulfilling adulthood? Here are 17 things you can learn from kids: Stay present. When a child wakes up, they are not stressing about what’s on their to-do list or how to get it all done. Kids just naturally live in the moment. Adults can choose to as well. Be spontaneous. While we may not want to emulate our kids when they go from temper tantrum to happy in a matter of seconds, we can follow their lead when it comes to unplanned fun. Forget the workweek drudgery and the fun-is-for-the-weekend mindset and seek more moments of joy within each day. Find your voice. Our kids are always vying for our attention. They want to be seen and heard. Adults need to know they matter, too. Surround yourself with people who value you and what you have to say. Don’t worry about what other people think. Watch a 4-year-old select an outfit, and you quickly realize they don’t care about what other people think. Blue sparkle pants can go with a black and white polka dot shirt and orange rain boots. Make decisions based on what you like and not what the critics might say. Dance. Don’t wait for a dance club or ballroom lessons, let the music play and dance in your kitchen or down the street. Kids delight in movement, anywhere, any time. Be open to some playful dancing just because. Start with a blank slate. Even if little ones go to bed pouting, they often wake up happy without holding on to what happened the day before. A new day is a chance to start again. Be silly and laugh for no special reason. It’s easy to make kids laugh. Adults? Not so much. Booked schedules and multiple responsibilities can make adults too serious. Let yourself be silly for no special reason. Laugh with your co-workers. Crack a joke. Watch a comedy and laugh out loud. Be playful with your spouse. Laughing is good for your health. Go outdoors. Remember when you were little and you’d come inside smelling like fresh air? You probably had dirt on you, a fresh scratch or two and you were exhilarated from a day of running around outside nonstop. Seek out nature more often to recharge and awaken your spirit. Love unconditionally. Even when we don’t have our best day as a parent, our children love us anyway. Instead of being so tough on yourself, choose to love yourself and others without conditions. It feels so good when your child says, “I love you.” Offer that unconditional love to others around you, too. Do what you love. Kids are inherently drawn to what they love doing. They will ask mom or dad 100 times in a row if they can do that activity. Too often adults let what they love doing slip to the bottom of their list—buried under responsibilities and daily habits. Get back to doing what you love—it’s often the path to your purpose. Play. Children often view every environment as an opportunity to play. What if you began filtering your world (and days) looking for opportunities to have some fun? Make messes. Enjoy the freedom in making a mess. (Note to neat freaks: You can clean it up!) You don’t have to destroy your kitchen with a food fight. Channel your inner child by riding your bike through a puddle, running through the sprinkler, playing in mud with your kids or painting without worry that colors will drip on your clothes. Get excited. How often do you get crazy psyched for something? Anticipation and excitement are skills kids have mastered. (Picture wide eyes, big smiles, jumping up and down and shrieking.) When is the last time you felt that excited? Put some things on your calendar that make you giddy with childlike excitement. Notice the joy all around you. Kids find joy in the smallest of pleasures—from a firetruck that passes by to a butterfly landing near them. Children delight in cloud shapes, a rabbit that hops into the yard and rainbow sprinkles on ice cream. Start noticing and appreciating the simple little joys that surround you every day. Accept others exactly as they are. Children are drawn to adults who show an interest in them. You don’t have to look or be a certain way to be loved and accepted by kids. Take a tip from the little ones: Don’t judge others. Take an open-minded and kind-hearted interest in other people. Be curious about the world. Kids have a natural wonder and curiosity about the world. Be a sponge and love to learn like your kids do. See every new person you meet as someone you could learn something from. Look for new experiences and opportunities to absorb knowledge. Be authentic. Some adults spend their lives learning to be who they are. Children just know who they are unapologetically. Find your way back to who you know yourself to be.

Tao Porchon-Lynch still practicing Yoga at 99

Lifestyle

The Tao of Tao

As a little girl growing up in Pondicherry, India, Tao Porchon-Lynch was fascinated by the sight of little boys on the beach “making funny shapes with their bodies.” She quickly learned that they were doing yoga, and she just as quickly learned that it was something only boys did; it simply wasn’t ladylike. “Well,” the 8-year-old declared, “if boys can do it, I can do it.” Today, that same defiance against convention keeps her going; even as she prepares for her 100th birthday in August, she continues teaching yoga classes about eight times a week in addition to maintaining a busy travel schedule. Not content to slow down or give in to the stereotype of what aging looks like, Tao—who now calls New York City home—continues to live life on her own terms. “I don’t believe in age,” she says. “I believe in energy.” Storybook history Although she is small in stature, the energy that radiates from Tao is larger than life. Part of it comes to her naturally, she says, but learning to harness the power of that energy has allowed her to craft a remarkable life. “I have always experienced the joy of living,” she says. Her uncle, who raised her, “instilled in me a sense of freedom and curiosity to explore the energy in things and in myself. Every single day, he gave me something to think about, which now I see was yoga philosophy.” She also learned a gentle, determined brand of philosophy from one of her uncle’s friends, Mohandas, who was known to the rest of the world as Mahatma Gandhi. She would go on to march with him twice, including being part of the 1930 Salt March, a 24-day, 241-mile march to protest the British government’s monopoly on salt. At the time, Tao was just 11 years old, but it shaped her passion for activism and action. Nine years later, she joined her aunt in France to help Polish Jews escape after Hitler’s invasion of Poland. Risking their lives, Tao and her aunt hid Jews in cement wine vats in the family’s vineyard in the Rhône Valley. “When the Germans came to inspect the area, my aunt pretended to be courteous by asking, ‘Oh, wouldn’t you like to have a glass of wine?’” she recalls. “Inside the vat were people who were hardly breathing because of fear.” That experience led to working with the French Resistance, and when World War II ended, her exotic look (she’s half French and half Indian) caught the attention of fashion designers. She modeled for several major couture houses of the day, including Coco Chanel and Marcel Rochas, which led to being one of the first seven French models to tour America after the war. Remembering what her uncle and Gandhi had taught her about taking action, Tao seized the opportunity and met with movie studios, landing a contract with MGM. Her first part was in the movie Show Boat and led to minor roles in more than a half dozen other films as well as guest appearances on TV shows including The Bob Hope Show, I Married Joan and The Red Skelton Show. Following her breath Through it all, yoga has been a consistent, guiding force in Tao’s life, and she credits it with shaping her youthful mindset. “Yoga opens up a new dawn of life for both nature and mankind,” she says. “As we breathe, we experience the beauty of nature within us. We become in touch with this inner energy and the wonder of life around us.” The benefits of yoga, however, stretch beyond the physical world. “Yoga also helps manage the mind, and what you put in your mind materializes,” she explains. “I only want to materialize good.” And that, it appears, is what she has done. She is a yoga master who loves wine and milk chocolate and still wears high heels daily. Tao exudes a playful, childlike joy intertwined with nearly a century’s worth of wisdom. “There is so much to do and so little time,” Tao reminds. “You haven’t seen enough of this earth. There is a lot more to see that is beautiful. Travel. Learn how to dance. Stay curious.” Still going strong There’s no question that Tao walks her talk; in 2005, at the age of 87, she took up ballroom dancing and has since won hundreds of first-place awards—always with partners some 70 years younger than she. In 2015, she wowed television audiences when she showed off those skills on America’s Got Talent—dancing to Pitbull’s “Fireball,” no less. The performance won her a standing ovation and mainstream interest. “It’s been almost overwhelming,” she says. “Wherever I go, someone now recognizes me. I feel honored that people want to hear from me and take my classes.” In 2012, the Guinness World Records declared her the world’s oldest living yoga instructor, and last year, she became the new face of activewear maker Athleta’s “Power of She” campaign. In 2012, the Guinness World Records declared her the world’s oldest living yoga instructor, and last year, she became the new face of activewear maker Athleta’s “Power of She” campaign. Most recently, she was featured in the HBO documentary If You’re Not in the Obit, Eat Breakfast, alongside other 90-somethings including Betty White, Dick Van Dyke, Carl Reiner and more. “There is too much publicity in the world on people growing old and slowing down,” Tao says. “To me, it’s exactly the contrary. I look for the next adventure. It was fun to be included in the documentary because everyone in it is doing something inspiring in their 80s, 90s and even at 100. “It shows that age is in the mind.” And what’s in Tao’s mind remains youthful and optimistic, keeping her excited for each new day. “I wake up every day knowing that it will be the best day of my life—and it is,” she says. “Wake up with a smile on your face and the world will smile back at you.”

Profiles

Choosing Hope: The Life of Edith Eva Eger

Chatting from her home in La Jolla, California, the morning after her 91st birthday, Edith Eva Eger is ebullient as she recounts the celebration she shared with good friends. She cut slices of celebratory tiramisu for everyone but took only a bite herself. “I have really bad scoliosis,” she says, “and if I gain weight that cuts down on my mobility and my freedom.” Her curvature of the spine aside, Edith still goes out swing dancing once a week with 93-year-old Eugene Cook, “the dancing partner and soul mate” she met through her acupuncturist. And she maintains her practice as a clinical psychologist. “I am the happiest I have ever been,” she says. “I feel younger today than I did 50 years ago.” That statement coming from any nonagenarian would be notable. But, in light of Edith’s history, it’s remarkable. She was born in Hungary, and as a teenager in the 1940s she was a serious student of ballet and a gymnast training for the next Olympics. But her dreams of winning a medal for her country were smashed when she was told that as a Jew she was no longer qualified to be part of the Olympic team. Not long after, when Edith was 16, she and her family were herded into a wagon and then onto a train, crowded with Jews, and sent to Auschwitz. While her mother was being sent to the gas chamber, camp doctor Josef Mengele, the “Angel of Death,” would order Edith to dance for him. She closed her eyes, heard strains of Tchaikovsky and imagined she was dancing Romeo and Juliet in the Budapest Opera House. As she performed pirouettes, her mother’s last words echoed: “We don’t know where we’re going. We don’t know what’s going to happen. Just remember, no one can take away from you what you put here in your own mind.” Surviving Against Incredible Odds A few months later, Edith and her sister Magda would be part of the death march from Mauthausen to Gunskirchen. As she recounts in her newly published memoir, The Choice: Embrace the Possible, out of the 2,000 famished people who marched, only 100 survived. Many fell into ditches along the way; others, too weak to keep moving, were shot on the spot. The sisters would overcome even more remarkable odds. On May 4, 1945, after a year in the camps, Edith, her back broken—a cause of her lifelong scoliosis—and weighing just 70 pounds, was pulled from a pile of corpses by American soldiers. Few had made it to this day of liberation; of the 15,000 people deported from their hometown, Edith and Magda were among fewer than six dozen who survived. Edith would go on to marry Bela, a Slovakian she met on the train to a tuberculosis hospital. They immigrated to the United States, penniless and not speaking a word of English. She was undeterred. While raising three children in El Paso, Texas, Edith became a teacher, was named Psychology Teacher of the Year in 1972 and, then in her 40s, she earned her doctorate in psychology. “I needed to discover what life expected of me,” she says. She also wanted to understand how people could both meet everyday challenges and survive devastating experiences. “How could I help people to transcend self-limiting beliefs,” she asked herself, “to become who they were meant to be in the world?” A Therapy Built on Choice In graduate school, Edith was inspired by the work of positive psychology pioneer Martin Seligman, Ph.D., and that of Albert Ellis, Ph.D., who is considered one of the founders of cognitive behavior therapy. She developed her own approach to working with patients, which she calls Choice Therapy, for choosing compassion, humor, optimism, intuition, curiosity and self-expression. “Every one of us every day can reach for the Hitler within us or to the love within us,” she says. That means, she says, choosing not only to act with kindness toward others but also toward oneself. “It’s important to pay a great deal of attention to self talk,” she says. “When you go to the bathroom in the morning you can look in the mirror and say, ‘It’s going to be another crappy day.’ Or, you can say, ‘I’m going to honor myself, treasure myself, cherish myself and I can make a difference today.’ Practicing love and kindness can be as simple as making eye contact when you go to the grocery store.” Edith’s own impact has been deep. She’s become a renowned specialist in treating patients suffering from post-traumatic stress disorders and is a consultant in resiliency training to the U.S. Army and Navy. As Mark Divine, a retired U.S. Navy SEAL commander and author of The Way of the SEAL, has written in endorsing The Choice, “I would take Edie Eger on an op with me any day.” Telling Her Truth Ask Edith how long it took her to write her memoir and she’ll tell you it’s taken a lifetime, “and a lot of pain, a lot of tears.” It wasn’t, however, until 11 years ago, when her first great-grandson, Silas, was born and she was approaching 80 that she thought seriously about telling her story. “I thought one day the book will be in his library for his children to read when they want to know about great-great-grandma.” The Choice has been met with rapturous reviews; The New York Times, for one, proclaimed it “mind-blowing.” But more important than accolades for Edith is the hope that, by bearing witness to her own experience and sharing stories of her patients’ triumphs over trauma, the book will be a tool for healing. “Suffering is universal,” Edith says. “Victimhood is optional.” We’ll all inevitably face some kind of affliction, calamity or abuse. We often have little or no control over these outside circumstances. But, she says, “Victimhood comes from the inside. We become victims not because of what happens to us, but when we choose to hold on to our victimization.” We develop, she says, a “victim’s mind”—thinking and actions that are rigid, blaming, pessimistic, stuck in the past and unforgiving. As for herself, Edith says, “I will not forget my time in Auschwitz, but I don’t live there. I call it my cherished wound, because it’s a part of whom I’ve become today.” Moving Forward Edith Eger on how to break out of a victim’s mindset. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel without judging yourself. “When I work with depressed patients, I don’t try to cheer them up,” she says. “Instead I try to give their feelings of despair company. I listen compassionately. I say, tell me more.” To stop repressing your own feelings try this mantra: notice, accept, check and stay. When a feeling like anger, jealousy or sadness comes up, acknowledge and name the feeling. Accept that whatever is triggering the reaction, your feeling is your own. Check your body response: Are you hot? Cold? Is your heart racing? Is your breathing shallow? Finally, recognizing that feelings are temporary, stay with the feeling until it passes or changes. Express yourself. “Expression is the opposite of depression,” Edith says. “When we force our truths and stories into hiding, secrets become their own trauma, their own prison.” Writing about your deepest feelings, even if you keep these accounts private, can be healing. Pick a time of day when you can write uninterrupted for 20 minutes, and write down whatever painful recollections come to mind, whether they’re harrowing or trivial. “There’s no comparison or competition,” Edith says. “Your trauma is your trauma.” Try out a new vocabulary. Before you can change your behavior, you might need to change how you describe your actions to yourself. Instead of saying “I always do this” or “I can’t do that” say, “Up until now I’ve done this.” Or, “In the past, I was this way.” “You can’t change what you did or what was done to you,” Edith says. “Having unpleasant experiences and making mistakes is part of being human. But we can choose how we live now.”

Lifestyle

10 Books to Beat Stress

Stress is part of the human experience. Yet if it becomes disruptive—keeping you awake at night, worried during the day and feeling physically tense, it’s time for a change. The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-Free Living by Amit Sood, M.D. “We get so caught up weeding the yard that we completely miss the tulips that nature gives us for a few precious weeks. We postpone joy.” In The Mayo Clinic Guide to Stress-Free Living, Amit Sood, M.D., M.Sc., a Mayo Clinic specialist in stress and resilience, collected his findings from the past two decades. He shows us how the mind’s instinctive restlessness can generate stress and anxiety and presents strategies for a more peaceful life. Learn skills such as developing deep and sustained attention and practicing gratitude, compassion and acceptance. Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics: A 10% Happier How-to Book by Dan Harris, Jeffrey Warren and Carlye Adler Meditation can make us smarter emotionally by reducing the negative noise in our heads and giving us mental clarity. Dan Harris, best-selling author of 10% Happier and a Good Morning America anchor, makes meditation more doable with practical with entertaining tips. This book—relating Dan’s journey across the country with meditation expert Jeffrey Warren—addresses the reluctance many people have to meditation and offers ways to get started based on where you are in your life. Count Your Rainbows: A Gratitude Journal by Jenny Mecher What’s the key to quieting stress? Switch your mind from the churn of negative thoughts to a sea of gratitude. In this beautifully designed journal, quotes, art and writing prompts will help you establish a regular gratitude practice where you see and savor all the positive aspects of your life. Science indicates that expressing gratitude has numerous health benefits, including reducing stress. “Your thoughts are powerful possessions,” author Jenny Mecher writes. Practice choosing your thoughts wisely with this guided journal. The Nature Fix: Why Nature Makes us Happier, Healthier, and More Creative by Florence Williams There’s inspiration to be found in trees, rocks and nature, contends Florence Williams, a fellow at the Center for Humans and Nature at George Washington University, a contributing editor to Outside Magazine and a public speaker. Use the setting that inspires artists and philosophers to take you to a calm place. Our connection to nature is more important than you might think. Discover how it can improve your mood and creativity. 10-Minute Mindfulness: 71 Habits for Living in the Present Moment by S.J. Scott and Barrie Davenport In 10-Minute Mindfulness, the authors contend that stress manifests from unconscious living. You can go through life on autopilot, not really connected to who you are and what choices you are making. The authors offer 71 tips to become more conscious about your values, priorities and deep longings. Learn mindfulness habits to experience the present moment rather than be consumed with past regrets or worries about the future. This book aims to improve your focus, productivity, happiness and peace of mind. Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu Ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching is a guidebook full of wisdom on how to live a life that you will want to turn to again and again. “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace; you are living in the present.” Discover the power of living from a nonjudgmental place. Be more humble and flexible in your thinking. Practice a mindset of “unattached action,” a peaceful way of being where you don’t fixate on particular outcomes, you simply experience life in the present moment. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: And It’s All Small Stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things From Taking Over Your Life by Richard Carlson What if you started looking at the problems in your life as teachers? Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff is a classic self-help book to shift your perspective. Make small daily changes to reduce your stress levels. Begin to trust your intuition. Do one thing at a time. And understand the statement: Wherever you go, there you are. Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers: The Acclaimed Guide to Stress, Stress-Related Diseases, and Coping by Robert Sapolsky “Stress is not a state of mind…it’s measurable and dangerous, and humans can’t seem to find the off switch,” writes neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky. Over time, this activation of our stress response “literally makes us sick.” Using research and humor, Robert gives practical advice on what causes stress and how to better control our stress responses. Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers explains how prolonged stress causes or intensifies a range of physical and mental afflictions, including depression, ulcers, colitis, heart disease and more. This third edition features chapters on how stress affects sleep and addiction as well as the impact of spirituality on managing stress. A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook by Bob Stahl, Ph.D. and Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) is a clinically tested way to handle stress. “Stress makes people angry, tense, overwhelmed, irritable and tired. It can burn you out, leave you feeling pain and even open your body up to sickness,” Bob writes. The practice teaches you to respond to stress in a mindful and nonjudgmental way before it damages your body and mind. Use the practical ideas and exercises to change how you handle stress. The Upside of Stress: Why Stress Is Good for You, and How to Get Good at It by Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. What if you could get better at stress? Rather than focusing on eliminating stress, Stanford psychologist Kelly McGonigal presents research indicating that stress can make us stronger, smarter and happier if we learn how to embrace it. The Upside of Stress shows the correlations between resilience—the human capacity for stress-related growth—and mindset, the power of beliefs to shape reality. With science, stories and exercises, you can cultivate a mindset to embrace stress and learn from challenging experiences.

Lifestyle

Every Day is a Blessing for Bellamy Young

For seven seasons, Bellamy Young has portrayed power-hungry-yet-vulnerable Melody (Mellie) Grant—the first female president of the United States—on the hit ABC drama Scandal. She has weathered the emotionally charged character’s numerous heartaches, losses and emotional despair, as well as the exhilaration of assuming the country’s highest office—in precarious heels. Unlike her character, however, Bellamy prefers a quieter life that includes living with intention in the present moment, finding calm through meditation and giving back with kindness and compassion. Living in the MiraculousPresent “Whether it’s a sound I hear or an emotion I feel, I try hard to be aware of the present moment and enjoy the gift of life,” says Bellamy, while curled up on her couch with her beloved Chihuahua, Bean. “This plant in my living room isn’t just decoration. If you really look at it, it’s a most miraculous experience of life. That’s true of animals, people, tragedy and fear. They’re all gifts to be cherished and experienced fully.” This attitude includes enjoying and appreciating her flourishing career. In addition to her meaty role on Scandal, Bellamy appears this year in Disney’s feature film A Wrinkle in Time. An accomplished singer, she has performed to acclaim in numerous Broadway productions, including Stephen Sondheim’s Merrily We Roll Along, and in 2015 she recorded her debut album, Far Away So Close. A New Way of Thinking Before graduating high school in Asheville, North Carolina, where she grew up, Bellamy discovered meditation. Although she didn’t necessarily understand the formal practice, she was in search of a change in mindset and a positive attitude. She began by taking long walks, which allowed her to be with her thoughts as she soaked in every nuance of the world around her. “Nature was a quiet space that allowed me to turn inward. When that came into my life, I could feel the energetic state I wanted to keep myselfin.” Later while attending college at Yale University, Bellamy amped up her study of practicing active compassion and living in the moment through meditation. Now she continues her mindfulness practice even while working, “or at the supermarket or the vet this morning,” she explains. “We’re in a state of being tucked in phones and screens. But it’s remarkable to experience a moment blossom between two people who are awake and alive together and interacting. Even if it’s about the weather or the grapes you’re buying that day.” When she is acting, Bellamy seizes the opportunity for connection. “My job as actor goes beyond learning lines. It is also to quiet my mind and open my heart to connect with my scenepartner.” After nearly two decades of guest-starring and having recurring roles on television and appearing in movies, Bellamy, 48, was cast in the daunting role of first lady and then President of the United States on Scandal. “It’s such an honor to inhabit Mellie and see her through all the ups and downs, especially because through it all, she’s shown she’s strong, resilient and determined,” says Bellamy. “And to be able to connect with fans via social media is amazing. I love each and every one of our ‘Gladiators.’” But no matter if she’s starring as one of the most powerful women in the world on one of television’s most popular dramas or has just one line as an actor, Bellamy maintains the same perspective. “We’re in a state of being tucked in phones and screens. But it’s remarkable to experience a moment blossom between two people who are awake and alive together and interacting. Even if it’s about the weather or the grapes you’re buying that day.” “It’s so good for the soul when you look beyond those big, sweeping exciting times that might take your breath away, but enjoy the mundane moments like when you’re cooking dinner and a pet runs past you. Or you have the chance to see a neighbor as you’re both checking your mail. Those little moments when you can actively connect and love each other is a great kindness,” Bellamy explains. “It opens your heart and causes a ripple effect that makes you want to do one more good and kind thing.” The Butterfly Effect As an adoptee, Bellamy says trying to live with a heart full of compassion, love and gratitude is deeply rooted in her soul. As she sees it, she was the recipient of two powerfully compassionate gifts long before she understood their impact. “I think both sides of adoption are blessings. I’m grateful my biological mother knew it wasn’t right for her to keep me at the time and she did the selfless and loving act of giving me up. And then I had these wonderful parents who, after a very long journey to have children, decided genetics wasn’t an issue and welcomed me into their home.” And every day, she lives with the purpose of paying that compassion forward to foster civility in the world. In 2016, Bellamy endowed a scholarship at her alma mater. “I was a big scholarship kid at Yale. And now, because of this wonderful job I have, I can experience the joy of opening the door to the whole world for others. Thanks to Shonda [Rhimes, creator, writer and executive producer of Scandal], I got to do something I’m so proud of.” She is also a huge champion of rescue animals, partnering with charities such as Best Friends Animal Society, Operation Blankets of Love and The Humane Society. But Bellamy isn’t looking for a pat on the back. “I believe in the butterfly effect (one small change can have large effects elsewhere). And if my legacy is quiet but means that I helped someone feel better about themselves, believe in themselves more or want to put more love in the world, I’d die so happy.” In addition to giving back and valuing what life offers, Bellamy appreciates small but meaningful tokens of gratitude. “I’d love to see thank-you notes make a comeback. They’re the loveliest things,” she says. And while she believes it’s important to thank someone for a gift or invitation to dinner, she relishes surprise, handwritten—versus texted or emailed—thank-yous. “How lovely to send a note to the second-grade teacher you think doesn’t remember you and explain how she made you love math and as a result today you’re an engineer or math teacher.” She says pausing to acknowledge the impact of others isn’t just good for the note recipient’s spirit. “It’s so beautiful for you, too. To have that moment of gratitude can be so healing for your outlook and attitude.” What the Future Holds As for life after Scandal, which is coming to an end after seven successful seasons, Bellamy is resolutely positive. Her journey has been less dramatic than that of Mellie Grant, though she has certainly experienced her own share of heartbreak and loss, including the death of her adoptive father at an early age. Through it all, she retains a caring, compassionate view of others and of a life lived in the present. “When you live through those painful moments, you really are instantly grounded in the present and become aware of the brevity of this gift of life,” says Bellamy, who instead of facing her waning days of life with Mellie (and Olivia, and Jake...) with a heavy heart continues to enjoy every moment on set among the show’s cast and crew. “Living in the present in an open way is what sets me free of stress, negativity and turmoil,” she adds. “I know we are only here for a little while. And I want to enjoy every single second of my time here.”

science

Dare to Care

If it sometimes seems that the world isn’t quite as kind as it used to be, it may not be your imagination. One of the growing concerns among psychology researchers is the declining level of compassion—and its companion, empathy—in modern society. In fact, at the same time researchers from the University of Michigan found that students’ empathy levels are declining, psychologist and author Jean M. Twenge, Ph.D., has found a rise in narcissism. There’s also a significant indication that some of the factors adding to this include social media and a lack of connection between people. “Technological distractions often keep us from being present,” says Louis Alloro, a senior fellow with the Center for the Advancement for Well-Being at George Mason University. “Even Charles Darwin noted that evolutionary success depends upon kindness and compassion. It’s something that everyone needs.” However, when we allow ourselves to be distracted by technology, we may be less likely to listen to others or to notice their suffering. The connection is so strong that Stanford University launched a Compassion and Technology Conference in 2013 to look at how toovercome the lack of social connection that occurs as we become more tech-centric. “Add to that a divisive environment, where it’s a ‘me vs. you’ mindset, and we’re not connecting with each other,” Louis says. “That drives away empathy and compassion.” Living Better, Longer While empathy is often confused with compassion, they are actually two separate experiences—but they play a crucial role together. Empathy occurs when you feel someone’s emotions, such as sharing the pain your best friend is experiencing over her divorce. Compassion is the response to those emotions and makes you want to help. In essence, empathy can be the fuel that propels compassion forward. “Empathy lends emotional weight to our kindness,” explains Jamil Zaki, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at Stanford University. “It’s an umbrella term that refers to the multiple ways that we respond to other people’s emotions, including not only sharing their feelings but also understanding what they feel and why.” Nashville hairdresser Kayce Tutor has always been quick to help family and friends in need, but when she began volunteering and sharing her compassion with strangers, it changed her life. Once a week, on her day off, Kayce volunteers with the Nashville organization ShowerUp, a mobile shower truck that provides hygiene resources, meals and health care screenings to the homeless. “I set up a chair and tools next to the truck and do haircuts, beard and neck trims and even the occasional French braid,” she says. “Sometimes I have 10 or 12 people in my chair in one night; it’s not much different from what I do in the salon, other than the location.” Her personal Facebook page frequently reflects her most recent concerns and provides suggestions for how others can get involved. She rounds up donations from friends and co-workers for her weekly ShowerUp visits. And while the people who sit in her chair each week are considered the beneficiaries of her compassion, Kayce says she has gotten the greatest reward. “Since I started volunteering, I’ve felt a change in my anxiety level. I feel lighter and happier. It’s something so simple that took me so long to figure out, but what you give to other people you get back in abundance.” Kayce’s experiences align with Jamil’s finding that empathy and compassion may hold a key to not only living a happier, healthier life, but a longer one as well. “It can lead to a lot of good things, like prosociality, morality and connection,” he says, and it also affects our physical health. Studies show that people who practice compassion have a lowered stress response, which is directly related to harmful inflammation in the body. As Kayce noted, compassion also makes you feel good and slows down your heart rate, thanks to the release of the hormone oxytocin. What’s even more interesting, Jamil says, is that it isn’t just practicing compassion and empathy that builds better health; being on the receiving end of empathy can help give both our mental and physical well-being a boost. “Patients with empathetic doctors are healthy and happier,” Jamil says, “And employees with empathic bosses take less time off for stress-related illnesses.” There’s also evidence that people with empathic spouses experience greater marital satisfaction. But if it’s so good for us, why is it so easily tossed aside? “In the face of conflict, empathy gets turned upside down,” Jamil says. “It’s easy to empathize with people who look or think like us, but less easy to empathize with people who are different. As a result, we often dole out our kindness in ways that are uneven and biased.” Back to Basics As it turns out, we might be hard-wired for compassion. Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., author of Born to Be Good and faculty director of the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley, has studied how compassion affects the autonomic nervous system. In the lab, studies have found that the vagus nerve, which controls unconscious bodily functions like digestion and heart rate, reacts strongly to images of suffering and distress. This indicates to researchers that compassion isn’t just a learned response; it’s a built-in instinct. Dacher even coined the phrase “compassionate instinct” to explain that compassion is a natural response that was essential for our survival. Even though it appears to be instinctual, compassion is something that needs to be nurtured. Practices like doing a daily loving kindness meditation, in which you send positive, healing thoughts both to yourself and others, is a good starting point. Learning how to practice compassion can make a profound and immediate difference, but it’s something that we must choose and practice every day. “It does involve some unlearning, especially if we’ve gotten used to not exercising compassion,” Louis says. “But the bottom line is, compassion feels good. It feels good to practice it and it feels good receive it. It’s exactly what we need to heal people, to heal organizations and to ultimately heal the world. It’s that powerful.”

News & Trends

World Happiness Summit Delivers Joy

The International Day of Happiness arrived ahead of schedule in Miami with the second annual World Happiness Summit, or WOHASU. An estimated 600 people from 35 countries gathered at the University of Miami’s Shalala Student Center for three days of speakers, music and yoga—and to share their #HappyActs on the Live Happy Happiness Wall. “To see people coming from more countries than last year and to see everyone happy has been wonderful,” said Karen Guggenheim, founder and CEO of WOHASU. “It’s all about teaching people a sustainable happiness practice.” Listen to our podcast interview with Karen. In 2012, the United Nations officially named March 20 the International Day of Happiness, and since 2013, Live Happy has encouraged people to create “Happiness Walls,” where people could post a card that explained how they celebrated happiness. This year, Live Happy founders Jeff Olson and Deborah K. Heisz set a goal of having 500 walls worldwide—and surpassed that number by 200, including the wall prominently located at the Miami summit. With attendees from such countries as France, Costa Rica, Portugal and South Korea, the event brought different cultures together under the umbrella of happiness. “I am so thankful to find an event like this,” said Sonia Navarro, who recently moved to Miami from Los Angeles. “It’s confirmation. I always tend to choose happiness, but this reminds me how beautiful it is to feel both the happy times and the sad times. This has been a great experience and everyone is super positive.” Examining Happiness Each day of WOHASU began with early morning yoga classes before moving inside for a full day of speakers such as Tal Ben-Shahar, Fred Luskin, Lord Richard Layard and Michael Steger examining such topics as the state of happiness, the role of forgiveness and the importance of purpose and meaning. Panel sessions looked at the relationship of art and happiness, how to create a happier world and the importance of happiness in the workplace, while breakout sessions gave attendees the opportunity to take a closer look at topics they were interested in exploring. Each day wrapped up with musical performances, and Stefan Sagmeister held a screening of his movie, The Happy Film, on Friday night. For more from Stefan about his film, listen to our podcast. One Billion Happy Mo Gawdat, former chief business officer for Google [X] and author of Solve for Happy: Engineer Your Path to Joy, not only talked about the role of happiness in the workplace, but also announced his new initiative, One Billion Happy, which he officially launched on March 20 in conjunction with the International Day of Happiness. One Billion Happy is Mo’s mission “to help 1 billion people become happier…so that together we can create a small-scale pandemic of joy.” “Happiness seems to be the biggest need in the modern world,” he explained. “I’m not a dreamer. One billion happy people is not more difficult than a billion users on Facebook or a billion users of a search [engine]. It’s not that difficult.” Through prioritizing happiness and teaching a message of compassion and tolerance, he said he believes the world can become happier. “If we want the world to be better, the only thing we have to do is behave better,” he said. Karen said that this year’s WOHASU was a reminder of how the world is embracing happiness and learning about how to tap into it. “I think the biggest thing people are learning here is to choose happiness,” she said. “You get to decide what mindset you’ll have under any given circumstance. Happiness really is a choice.”

relationships

6 Tools to Help Children and Teens Develop Coping Skills

Imagine your mind uncluttered, happy and free, loving whatever you are doing to the point that you lose track of time, limitations and stressors. Psychologists refer to this frame of mind as flow. Many scientists believe that children operate in a naturally flowing mindset up to about age 5. However, you can regain your mental flow at any age and teach your children to nurture (and keep) theirs! This helps them develop coping skills that will empower them for life, increasing the “ups,” decreasing the “downs” and making joy a part of every day. I have spent much of my career helping people find ways to cope and operate at the top of their games. I’ve found that much of coping has to do with how you manage your mental and physical energy. What you are looking for is balance. You don’t want to be too activated or you’ll feel jumpy; too placid and you won’t have enough oomph to perform and feel your best. Your mind flows when sparked by high-quality energy and personal motivation. The two go hand-in-hand. When they do, you feel “lit.” Encourage Positivity Positive energy attracts positive action. Helping your child grow a happy mind begins with being open to the positive energies in life, and there’s no better way to start than to make yourself a model. Life is full of beauty, love and excitement. We can capture a burst of natural beauty wherever we are and download its good energy. For example, if you and your child are out on a walk or in the middle of any outdoor activity, talk about what environmental details bring you pleasure. Refer to specifics. After, ask him: What do you find exciting? What sights, sounds or scents make you feel good? It’s important for children to see life as good and to be able to identify examples of life’s magnificence and joy around them. They don’t have to be blockbuster examples—a tiny flower, glistening ocean wave or a single, sparkling star on a full-moon night. Our minds love images. They sweeten your thoughts and keep your coping resources charged, even when you’ve been treading in rough waters. Children can learn that uplifting, peaceful and joyful energies are everywhere. All they have to do to shift their attention—open their senses—and feel the energy. Self-Awareness Self refers to who you are, what you feel on the inside. As parents, we can help our children become more aware of who they are and to discover their unique qualities. “I love to dance,” says one 13-year-old who has danced since she was age 2. “When I dance, I dance with my heart. I can’t ever imagine myself not dancing.” Her 11-year-old sister plays the piano. She says, “Playing piano makes me happy,” but adds, “You don’t have to be Shakespeare to love writing, and you don’t have to be Mozart to be happy playing music.” Self-awareness is about being attentive to who you have been in the past, who you are now and who you want to be in the future. Ask your child how their most self-connected activities fit into that sequence. For example, did you enjoy music before playing the piano? How does music affect other things you do? By doing this, you are helping them find intrinsic reward for their actions and not rely on or become co-dependent on someone else’s judgments of what should or shouldn’t feel good to them. You are helping them understand it is possible to sync internal and external world activities that mean a lot to them. The more they do this, the more rewarding their life will feel, the more motivated they will become and the easier it will be to enter and sustain a flowing, happy mind. Tools to Get Started 1. Incorporate a morning activity that launches you into a flowing mindset. Play a tune on your favorite instrument, sing, dance, take a walk in nature. Flow transfers into other activities. 2. Balance your energy before and after daily activities. Pick two songs from your favorite tunes, one that activates you and another that calms. Put them on your phone or other device. Decide what kind of energy you need to feel (activating or calming) for balance in the morning before you leave home, at lunchtime and again when you get home. Then just hit “play.” 3. Organize the night before. You’ll wake up happier you did. Include something nice to look forward to in the morning such as a colorful article of clothing or a fun, new morning activity. 4. Give yourself permission to keep your mind flowing. Lessen daily pressures by telling yourself you can think about non-urgent recurring concerns or conflicts “later.” You can pick the time or day. 5. Get a good night’s sleep. Make it a habit to turn lights off at the same time each night. You need sleep for higher-level thinking and to keep your mind flowing. 6. Each day, think of something nice to do for someone. Plan who you will help, compliment or surprise, then do it!

Flourishing Center

The Nuts and Bolts of Positive Thinking

Take a glimpse into the world of positive psychology withThe Flourishing CenterPodcast. Each episode is divided into three sections giving you insights into living an authentic happy and flourishing life. What you'll learn in this podcast: Science Says—Learn about a new study in Wales that applied a "writing about good things" intervention in a school setting. LifeHack—How to be efficient in positive thinking. Practitioner’s Corner—Meet Adam Kulpa, a mindset coach who helps young athletes learn to thrive. Learn more aboutThe Flourishing Center

Well-Being

7 Ways to Find Happiness in 2018

The new year is an opportunity for a fresh start andan opportunity for reflection on what we can do to make 2018 a truly great year. Regardless of our life circumstance, what we all really want for ourselves and our families is to be happy. Weoften think external conditions like making more money,losing weight or finding the “right” mate will lead us to happiness. But researchers in the field of positive psychology have shown that happiness is an internal choice built on practice. In other words, sustainable happiness is achievable by practicing data-based tools that change our mindset and, over time, develop new neural pathways. We have control over what we choose to do and think. According to top positive psychologist and researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky and others, approximately 50 percent of variance in happiness is determined by genes and 10 percent is determined by circumstances;automatically, we have the power to influence 40 percent. Most significantly, happiness presupposes success, not the other way around. According toKaren Guggenheim, CEO of WOHASU, producer of the World Happiness Summit,“This new mindset can have positive consequences in every facet of our lives. Science tells us that we become more capable to problem solve in a state of happiness than under stress, and that we also elevate our levels of resiliency when things don’t happen as we expected and we then need to enlist our coping skills.Being happier even makes our work product better.” For a better 2018, WOHASU suggests these seven keys to happinessto improve your new year. 1. Gratitude Take some time out of your day to notice the world around you and appreciate the people you’re grateful for. Send your parents a text or write a list of all the good things in your life. 2. Ambition Set challenging—but still achievable—goals to work toward and be open to learning new things. Try volunteering your time, energy and skills to contribute to something bigger. 3. Resilience Find the strength to bounce back and push through the obstacles that life throws your way and keep a positive mindset. For Karen Guggenheim, the loss of her husband and the father of her children turned her world upside down. However, she found a way to push through: “Once I realized that I had to live, I made the very conscious choice that I was going to live happy. Be an active participant in your life, and whenever possible choose to disrupt in a positive way.” 4.Physical well-being Make sure you take care of your body; practice healthy eating habits, exercise and incorporate physical activities regularly to boost your physical and mental health. Keep moving! 5. Acceptance Be comfortable with who you are and accepting of other people and ideas around you. According toMegan McDonough, CEO of Wholebeing Institute,“We can only make a choice when we see more than one option. Practice perspective.” 6. Mindfulness Practicing mindfulness daily allows you to focus on the present and what’s happening in the moment. “Increased focus on present moment prevents us from spending all our time in the past, ruminating and regretting, or in the future, inventing hypothetical anxiety-provoking scenarios,” according to an article inTheBerkeley Science Review. 7. Giving Whether it’s a stranger or a longtime friend, never hesitate to do something kind for someone else. Caring and doing for others helps strengthen relationships and build stronger connections with those around us. World-renowned researchers and experts on the science of happiness, United Nations Advisors, life coaches, business and civic leaders, and many more will share actionable tools on increasing happiness atthe experiential2018 World Happiness Summit, from March 16–18in Miami. Visit the websiteto learn more about WOHASU’s proven platform to help people learn how to create happier lives. Learn about speakers, live events and how happiness can impact your life. The World Happiness Summit is the first large-scale global event uniting individuals and leading happiness and well-being experts in athree-day experiential forum about advancing human happiness through science-based tools and daily practices.

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