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Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Move From Surviving to Thriving With Brandi Sellerz-Jackson [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 459 of Live Happy Now. If you feel like you're merely surviving instead of thriving, this week's episode could be just what the doctor or the doula ordered. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and today I'm talking with Brandi Sellerz-Jackson, a life doula and author of the book, On Thriving: Harnessing Joy Through Life's Greatest Labors. Brandi learned to thrive despite her own traumatic past, and now she walks others down the path of healing and self-nurturing to help them find true joy in life. In this episode, Brandi sits down with me to explain why it's so important for us to learn to practice self-care, and she offers tips that will improve both our physical and our mental health. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [0:00:48] PF: Brandi, thank you for coming on Live Happy Now. [0:00:51] BSJ: Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. [0:00:55] PF: You are, unlike any guests that we've had. You are a life doula now. So, to set this up, explain to us what that is. [0:01:03] BSJ: So, I started my work initially in birth and birth, in postpartum doula work, which means, I was there to support families as they give birth. But during 2020, something happened. It was this little small little global pandemic thing that happened. [0:01:19] PF: Yes. There was a hiccup that happened. [0:01:21] BSJ: Yes. It was a little small hiccup. No big deal. No big deal. That happened and shook our world of course. So, long story short, what ended up happening is, I had a conversation with a friend many years ago, a dear friend named Aishat HaSati who's a healer, who I talked about in the book. She was saying how, “Man wouldn't be great if we had some doula through life?” And we're like, “Yes, like a life doula.” We kind of just were joking. But basically, what happened is I ended up finding myself in that work, and I was like, “Oh, that's what a life doula is. It's someone who supports you through various transitions and various moments of rediscovery in your life. So, yes. [0:02:04] PF: With this book, first of all, I feel like you have a lot of books in you. I wondered why On Thriving was the one that you wanted to do first? [0:02:15] BSJ: Oh, my goodness. I wanted to write the book that I needed. [0:02:19] PF: I love that. [0:02:21] BSJ: Yes. I wanted to write the book that I needed. In the book, I share various experiences that I've had. Very hard, hard, hard, hard experiences that I've had. And I really wish there was something that I could tangibly go to, almost like a guide, and how to navigate those really hard moments. I didn't want to read something that just tells me to go take a bubble bath, or go drink some water, just go and like – [0:02:57] PF: Breathe. Just breathe, Brandi. [0:02:58] BSJ: Just breathe through it. It’s things that are very vague, or opaque, or very just okay. I wanted something that would hold the hand of the reader, so whatever part of their journey that they're in, they didn't feel alone in it. Because I feel like that's a huge part of the journey is that feeling of aloneness during – [0:03:21] PF: What you do remarkably well is you share your own experiences, very honestly, very heartfelt. But you don't overpower the reader with those experiences. You still manage to make it about the reader, which is really a gift with your writing. Because a lot of times, the things that you've shared would come off more just like a memoir, and you managed to sidestep that and turn it into just, really, a teaching guidebook and saying, “I've shared this with you. You can do this too.” It's really like sitting down with someone who's saying, “Come on, I'm going to give you a little bit. You give me a little bit. Let's go do this together.” I have to commend you for that. It's just remarkably well done. [0:04:05] BSJ: Thank you so much. I appreciate it. That was the goal. I really wanted that. I didn't want it to be a thing of people reading it and it feels like, I'm just unloading. Let me tell you about my life. [0:04:21] PF: Sometimes too, in a book like that, people can end up feeling, “Well, gosh, I haven't been through anything nearly as bad.” And you're very careful to avoid even – you have a lot of horrific experiences to drop on, but you never make the reader feel like you're playing on top of that. Whoa, it's beautiful. [0:04:39] BSJ: Because we all have our hard. We all have our version of it. [0:04:42] PF: Right. Now, in the book, you talk about the four labors of our lives. So, tell us what those four labors are. [0:04:52] BSJ: Yes. The first one is the labors of relationships. Our relationship with our self and others. I'll say this too, before I name them. I really tried to think of four things that we are all going to go through. I don't care how much money you have. I don't care your nationality, ethnicity, your color, your sexuality. Everyone's going to be touched by this. Everyone's going to be touched by these four laborers. So, the first one is relationship. Figuring out our relationship with ourselves and others and the humans within this world. Mental health, how do we hone in on our healing? Many of us have experienced a pretty traumatic past few years. And then you pair that with our own personal stuff. It's a lot. So, how do we cultivate our mental health and thrive during those hard moments? Grief. They say death is the great uniter. No one escapes it. None of us get out of it and none of us are not touched by it. I really wanted to share what that looks like, grief. Not even just grief, as in like the death of a person, like the physical death, but even just the death of a relationship. The death of a career, the end. More so, the end of things. How do we thrive when it is the end of things and begin to reframe our ideas from it being purely just the end, as opposed to also the beginning? Then lastly, thriving well-being othered. We all get a seat at the table. I don't care where you come from. We all get a seat where we look around, and we realize we are the only in that moment. How do we thrive and not shrink and feel like, “Oh, my gosh, I don't belong here.” How do we thrive in those moments? So, I really wanted to find four things where we, just being human, this is what's going to happen, it's going to happen. [0:06:46] PF: Yes. You do that really well. You walk us through that. That's another thing that's great about this book is someone can jump in. You don't have to sit down and I've got to start on page one and I've got to go through. You do build on stories from previous chapters, but you could jump in like say, it's grief. Say, grief is the thing that's frontmost. You can go and just start there and pick up and get that same help. [0:07:10] BSJ: Yes. I totally agree. I wanted that. I really wanted each section to offer the reach or something where it's like, “Oh, this part is for me. I need to start here.” [0:07:21] PF: Yes. You do acknowledge that all these labors just like birth, they have incredible pain, but they also have incredible reward. The key is staying present during this. Talk about how you teach us to stay present, during the pain, during this very difficult time, so that you can truly experience it and gain the best reward out of it. [0:07:46] BSJ: Yes. One of the things I say is, “Breathe.” I do connect it to our breath a lot of times, because it's the first thing that we hold when things are like – we hold our breath. But also, too, I try to walk the reader through practical steps. So, one, reminding you, yourself, of where you are, that although this may feel like it, whatever it is, is happening again, this is totally different and is more than likely is different. So, how do we stay present when we're triggered? How do we stay present when it's a hard moment? So, reminding ourselves of where we are. Another thing is reminding ourselves of our agency. That is the first thing that I write that goes when we have experienced trauma is our sense of agency. A lot of times when hard moments, difficult moments, stressful moments come up, it's the very thing that I feel like goes out the window again. It's like, “Freeze.” It's like that flight, fight, or freeze. You freeze because you're like, “Wait, I don't know what to do.” You go back to that seven-year-old, eight-year-old, nine-year-old child that's like frozen in that moment. So, reminding yourself that you have agency, you have a say. You may not like all the choices. You may not like all the options. But you do have a say in how you choose to move forward and grabbing back that sense of agency is, is one of the most powerful tools that we have. Another thing that's very practical. I say, hold your own hand. I do this exercise where I literally close my eyes and when I feel a little girl Brandi feeling triggered, feeling a lot, feeling the residue of what I've experienced, I hold my own hand, and I envision myself holding little girl Brandi’s hand and saying, “Okay, let's do this together. We're okay. Everything's okay. And if it's not, it's going to be okay.” So, those are things. I try to really be practical, because I really, really, really hate, I hate all the catchphrases that are out there nowadays with self-care, self-care, self-care, boundaries, blah, blah, blah, and none of us really know what that means when it comes into practice. So, I really wanted to write a book that showed us how to practice these things. [0:09:59] PF: You do that quite well. I think it's wonderful that someone can read this. They can take these tools and learn them when they don't need them. Because that's really when you want to refine this. Not when you’re in crisis and go, “Oh, crap. What did Brandi say I'm supposed to do?” [0:10:15] BSJ: “Well, I forgot.” [0:10:17] PF: “If I got to keep this up.” But yes, that's what's so wonderful, it really gives you tools and practices that you can just use daily and build on and make part of your being. So, when that crisis does hit, when that labor is there, you can walk through it. [0:10:32] BSJ: Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. Listen, these are all things that I've had to learn and implement. I'm not exempt. There are moments where I am just like, I feel the most, and I'm like, “Okay, what did I say? What did I write?” Go back to that. [0:10:53] PF: Yes. It's a journey. We're all learning. Of course, you're talking about thriving, and that is a word we hear a lot, and I think it probably means different things to different people. So, explain where you're coming from? What does thriving look like, feel like to you? [0:11:12] BSJ: Yes. I agree. I think it looks different for everyone. One of the things I do say, I say define what thriving means to you, because what I think is thriving, could be totally different. It can be different on any given day too. For me, today, thriving looked like getting all three of my kids out the door, wrestling with a five-year-old, who was determined on probably not wearing shoes. Then, I finally talked him into wearing shoes, because it's rainy here. That's thriving. It worked. Whatever happened, it worked. Every day is different. So, thriving, though, I think in a nutshell, I would say, it's showing up as is, being open to unlearning and learning, and not being this destination. This sad destination, but more so this ongoing work that you're doing. It's ongoing. It's ongoing. And being very keen to what it is that you need. So, what is it that I need in this moment to thrive? Not just survive. It's a response. I think of thriving as a response, as opposed to a reaction. It's a pause. It's an exhale. It's a deep breath. That's what it is, as opposed to this clenching. [MESSAGE] [0:12:39] PF: Today, we're talking about how to thrive and it's no secret that pausing to take a breath can change your state. But if you're spending a lot of time indoors, chances are you're breathing in things like allergens, pollen, pet dander, and more. In fact, you might be surprised to learn that indoor air is up to five times more polluted than outdoor air. That's why I'm obsessed with my new air purifier from AirDoctor. It filters out 99.99% of harmful contaminants, so your lungs don't have to. Talk about a breath of fresh air. No matter the size of your space, AirDoctor has a purifier that's right for you, and you can breathe easy with its 30-day money-back guarantee. So, if you want to clear the air in your home or office space, check out AirDoctor at airdoctorpro.com. If you use the promo code, Live Happy, you'll get up to $300 off and get a free three-year warranty. That's airdoctorpro.com and use the promo code Live Happy. Now, let's hear more about what Brandi Sellerz-Jackson has to say about thriving. [INTERVIEW CONTINUES] [0:13:45] PF: You work with a lot of different people and have talked with a lot of different people. So, you've seen their struggles in their obstacles. Are there some common obstacles that you see to thriving? Are there things that we're just putting in our own path, or just can't get past that you see over and over with people? [0:14:04] BSJ: Yeah, I would say I don't think a lot of people believe that we're worthy of thriving. I think when you've been in a rut of survival, that's what you're used to. So, I think the first step is knowing that you're worthy of thriving. I opened in the book about taking psychedelics and doing psychedelic therapy, and I did it because I want it to live my life. I want it to cease looking at it as if I am this house sitter, just collecting packages for the actual person that lives here. Right? I wanted to actually live my life like I actually live here, like it's mine. So, I think a lot of people, when you've experienced trauma, after trauma, after trauma or just even small traumas, small t, big T trauma, whatever. I think that knowing that you are worthy of thriving is the very first step. It’s the first thing that you have to really just grab a hold of. [0:15:12] PF: If you're in survival mode, you're not even thinking thriving. So, how do you get someone, first of all, to recognize that they are in survival mode? And then to realize that there's a something called thriving? And then to get them to take that step out of survival into thriving? Because it's a short journey in some ways, but it's a huge step. [0:15:35] BSJ: It is a huge step. I think the way to get them to do that, I don't think anyone can do it for you. That's the hard part. There's no switch, I think, again, it's daily. Daily telling yourself, “I'm worthy of this life. I'm worthy of thriving.” If you're in a hard moment, this too shall pass. It's going to pass. I'm worthy of thriving.” It is that knowing. Now, I'm going to be honest, I don't think it's one of those things that you know immediately. I don't think it’s just like, “Oh, yes, I'm worthy of thought.” It's not, “Looks like, and go.” It takes time. If you've had years of trauma, it takes time. I mean, and that's just not like a sweet thing to say, because it's nice. But really, our brains, trauma changes the brain. [0:16:32] PF: Exactly. [0:16:34] BSJ: So, to work with that neuroplasticity of it, and to get into habits of changing it, and unlearning, it's going to take time. So, I think the biggest thing would be, give yourself grace, give yourself time. This is not an overnight work. This is a daily work. [0:16:58] PF: As you said before, it's a journey. It’s not a destination. You're not going to get to this ticket station. You get your passport stamped and – [0:17:05] BSJ: No. I wish it were that way. That would be great. [0:17:07] PF: Wouldn't it? [0:17:08] BSJ: It’d be so wonderful if we just decided something and it's like, “And boom.” That's not the way it works. It's not the way life works, unfortunately. [0:17:17] PF: It's not. What if we know someone who is stuck in survival mode, and they're doing the best they can, and they can't see their way out of that, and they can't see into how they could ever thrive. How do we gently nudge them? Because as you said, they have to do it. But what are some of the prompts that we can offer as friends, as family, to help them realize you don't have to stay here? [0:17:42] BSJ: Yes. I would really validate their worthiness. Every time I get a chance, you're worthy of it, you're worthy of thriving. I would also too – I mean, I love therapy. I think therapy is great. If they're into therapy, if you're someone that they trust, I think that's something good to kind of recommend, and not like a thing of, “You need a therapist.” But more so like, “Hey, if they see you even doing that work, I think that's another thing.” I think, example, example, thriving by example, I think that is the biggest thing you can show for friends and family. Because I think people remember what they see, and the work that we're doing versus of what we're saying. [0:18:32] PF: Absolutely. [0:18:34] BSJ: Right. If they see you, because I have friends that have seen me in hard moments, and they've seen me in moments where I was like, “Oh, I don’t know.” They see me doing this work. They've seen me do this work consistently, and I think my example of doing the work, doing the hard things is bigger than anything I can ever say out of my mouth. Actually, even anything I could write out in a book, because they're seeing me in real life. [0:19:05] PF: Absolutely. [0:19:07] BSJ: So, I think that would be the biggest thing is, think about your life. If you see a friend that's struggling, think about your life and how you're showing up for your life and what you're modeling to. Because people are watching. And if you really want them to get the support they need, then make sure you got the support you need. Because they'll notice it, they'll see it. [0:19:28] PF: Yes. That is tremendous advice. I love that. One approach that I really like is where you talk about taking care of yourself like a house plant. I have to admit, I once killed an air fern. So, I'm not sure if that is going to apply directly to me. But I love this. Explain what you mean by that and how we take care of ourselves like a house plant, because this is so relatable. I absolutely love this. [0:19:53] BSJ: Yes. I mean, well, it's the same thing. We're not that much different than plants. We have more complicated feelings. That's basically it. But water, they need water, they need nurturing, they even did a study where if you talk to your plants and watch how they grow, I don't think we're any different. We're not different. So, I think of it, for me, the biggest lesson was how I was pruning my plants and all this stuff started growing. Watering plants, things start growing. Paying attention to them, giving them the right soil, fertilizer, all that. It's the same thing with us. We're not this thing where it's like, “We don't need anything.” Every living thing needs something. We need things to keep us living and thriving. [0:20:39] PF: You explained it really well, in the book, too. I really enjoyed that part of it. You probably don't know that one of the things we talked about all the time, here at Live Happy Now, is gratitude. You talk a lot about how gratitude has a role in our happiness. But also, kindness can have the same effect. So, for everyone who's tired of hearing me talk about gratitude, let's switch it over to kindness. Talk about what that does for our physical and mental well-being when we start practicing kindness and live with kindness. [0:21:09] BSJ: It's everything. I mean, there are studies that show that people who practice kindness, it affects our health in positive ways. It affects the way we live, in some studies, how long we live. I mean, it's literally everything. I write about how even just going kindness watching. You've heard of people watching, but kindness watching. It will inspire you in so many ways and inspire your own demonstration of kindness. [0:21:36] PF: Tell us more about that. Tell us about kindness watching. That's so cool. [0:21:38] BSJ: Yes. I write how, one time I saw this farmer at the farmer’s market, he just gave these boys some honey sticks, and it just made me feel all the things. I was just was like, “How lucky am I that I got to witness this moment of kindness?” Everything that's happening in the world in this moment, and in the past, and everything that will happen in the future. I get to witness this one moment of kindness. It made me emotional and it made me grateful for my life. So, it's basically where you just you actively seek out moments where you are arrested by kindness, and you watch it and you witness it. You're like, now think about how that feels for you. Because it will inspire you. I mean, it did for me. It just made me be – it made my day. I mean, it’s sticks. You would have thought that this man gave them a million dollars. It was like, “No, it was just some honey sticks”, that probably had a plethora of. But it was like, “Oh, my gosh. That's so kind.” [0:22:41] PF: That's very cool. Did you have to originally remind yourself to do this and then it becomes a practice? Or how do you start doing this kindness watching? [0:22:51] BSJ: In that moment, it just hit me. The weight, the endorphins that it gave me. I was like, “Oh, this feeling is just” – it's like, looking at a cute baby. It’s watching Elf for the 20th time during the holidays. It's one of those feelings. It's grandma's favorite soup. It's all of those things that make you feel so warm. So, for me, I try my best to actually do it and just be aware of it. When I see it, I hold on to it, I don't let it go, and I just let it does wash over me and feel all the good things about it. [0:23:31] PF: That's terrific. So, I know we have to let you go. But before we do, you have three tips for cultivating joy that I wish you would share with our audience. [0:23:44] BSJ: Oh, my goodness. I'm trying to remember, but I feel like, well, one I would say, definitely go kindness watching. That's the first thing. That, right there, will just feel your joy cup in so many ways and it will make you feel so happy. You'll feel so happy. Another thing is make sure that you're watering yourself. Put the water in, make sure you're watering yourself, and yes, drink water. Sure. Yes. You should drink water. But make sure you're watering yourself, the people that are around you that they water you and they don't deplete you. They water you. Make sure that you are watering you. So, that means if you need to take a nap, go take a nap, please go take a nap. No one has gotten anything by working themselves to the bone that more tired. I would say lastly, know that you're worthy of joy. I say, know that you're worthy of thriving, but know that you're worthy of joy. I know that when it's hard moment some of us can feel like it's sacrilegious to feel joy in those hard moments, but that's the thing that is the wind in your sails. That's the thing that carry you and keep you breathing, is enjoying those joyful moments in the hard moments. [0:25:02] PF: I love it. Thank you so much. Brandi, thank you for coming on the show. We're going to tell the listeners where they can find you, where they can find your book, where they can discover more about you. You give us so much to think about and I appreciate you sharing it with us today. [0:25:15] BSJ: Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited. [END OF INTERVIEW] [0:25:22] PF: That was Brandi Sellerz-Jackson talking about how to move from surviving to thriving. If you'd like to learn more about Brandi, read her book, follow her on social media, or read her blog. Visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. While you're there, be sure to sign up for our weekly Live Happy newsletter. Every Tuesday, we'll drop a little bit of joy in your inbox with the latest stories, podcast info, and even a happy song of the week. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Celebrating 10 Years of #HappyActs With Deborah K. Heisz [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 457 of Live Happy Now. We're headed into March, and that gives us plenty of reasons to celebrate. I'm your host, Paula Felps. Today, I'm talking with Live Happy's Co-Founder and CEO, Deborah Heisz, because, well, we love March. In addition to Daylight Savings Time and March Madness, it's our Happiness Month. Deb is here to tell us what's new as we celebrate our 10th year of #HappyActs. Let’s have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:32] PF: Deb, Happy Anniversary, 10 years of #HappyActs. [00:00:37] DH: I know. It seems like just yesterday we were doing our first #HappyActs campaign. I really can't believe it's been 10 years but – [00:00:43] PF: I know. Time flies. [00:00:45] DH: Looking at my pictures of first #HappyActs walls, which I have some pictures of that on the wall, my kids are really tiny in those pictures. I guess it has been 10 years. [00:00:54] PF: Now that like one's driving, and they're all doing stuff. [00:00:56] DH: Yes. It happens. It happens. [00:01:00] PF: For the uninitiated, before we get into what we're doing this year, tell us what a happy act is. [00:01:06] DH: Well, a happy act is a small thing that you intentionally do to make the world a happier place. They can be little things like paying someone a compliment, opening a door for someone, buying a cup of coffee for someone, planning a date with a friend that you haven't seen for a while, going out to lunch, giving someone at the office a thank you note, any little thing that you do to make the world a happier place. Here's the catch. I think most people do those in their everyday course of life. I mean, I certainly am nice to people and polite. I know you are as well. I think most of our listeners certainly fall into that category, and we kind of do it out a habit. When you do a happy act, do it with intention because that way, you benefit from it, as well as the person you're doing it for. All those studies show that when you do something nice for someone, when you say thank you or pay someone a compliment, yes, they feel good. But by doing those things, you actually feel even better than the person who you likely did something for. [00:02:08] PF: Absolutely. [00:02:09] DH: Do them with intention. [00:02:11] PF: I love that, and it reminds me of the very first year that we were doing #HappyActs. We're going to get into that in a little bit, but we had a wall in Chicago. The weather was horrible. It's March and it's Chicago. We moved inside a mall. We walk around. We're getting people – for those who don't know, we have people write down, “I will share happiness by,” and then they fill out the card and tell how they're going to share it. We saw this woman walking through the mall, and she was in her 80s. She had this bright yellow flower on and this bright red hat. I walked over to talk to her and said, “Did you know it's the International Day of Happiness?” She didn't know what that was or that it was. I thought maybe she had planned it since she was dressed so happy. She told me that every day when she left her home, no matter where she was going, even just to the grocery store, she would put on that flower, and she would put on that hat because it made people smile. She goes, “When I see people look at me and smile, it makes me feel good.” I thought this is a woman who's doing a happy act intentionally every day of her life and didn't even know #HappyActs were a thing. [00:03:17] DH: No. I love that story because so many people do things every day to improve the world around them. What we want to do is encourage that. We ran into so many people that first year that were like, “What is this about? Are you selling something? We don't really understand. You want me to make the world a happier place. Huh?” One of my favorite stories is from one of our wall hosts that year who was talking about they were in a restaurant. Someone came in and basically said, “I don't believe in all that garbage,” and blah, blah, blah. They talked to him for a while, and he hung out, and he saw everybody else kind of come in. By the end of the day, he was actually working at the wall with them. Just seeing people take activity to make the world a happier place encourages those around us to do the same. That's really what #HappyActs is about. We're hoping that it's a pass-it-on kind of moment that you do something for someone. They do something for somebody else. You brighten the mood, the atmosphere wearing colorful clothes, whatever it is to make somebody smile. That they take that positivity with them to their next interaction because we carry with us the interactions we have all day. If you can have positive interactions, which is what #HappyActs is about, then you can, hopefully, pass that along to the next person who will then have more positive interactions. You become the center of a ripple of positive activity not just for that day but hopefully stretching into weeks and months and genuinely making the world a happier place. [00:04:45] PF: Yes. It can seem trite or even cheesy if you say just do this one act of happiness, and you're helping change the world. When it ripples like that, it truly does. [00:04:55] DH: It does seem cheesy, and we've been accused of toxic positivity before. That's not really what we're talking about. We aren't talking about be happy in the face of all discomfort, in the face of everything that ever – no, we're talking about just doing the things you can do to make the world happier, the world you live in happier. It's not a cure-all for everything, but it certainly makes finding those solutions easier if you come at it from a point of positivity. [00:05:21] PF: You brought up something fantastic on your Built to Win podcast, where you explain that this isn't the kind of happiness where it's, “Hey, we're riding a roller coaster and getting ice cream afterwards.” People tend to think, when we talk about happiness, they tend to think that's what we're saying. Do you want to talk about that a little bit? [00:05:40] DH: Yes. I do think that the definition of happiness is important. I think one of my favorite definitions which I've heard is that happiness is the joy you feel when you're striving towards your full potential, which is great when you're looking at it from a business perspective. That Built to Win podcast that we do is really for business and entrepreneurs, but it's really for everybody because it is about personal development. That would really apply there. Happiness is also the joy you feel when you find congruence in your life, when you are the place that you're supposed to be. Realize that what you're doing is meaningful to you and has purpose in your life. You feel engaged, and you find those moments where you're doing it, and you're feeling great. Whether it's being the best parent you can be, whether it's engaged in your social groups or your church or whatever it is, you're living a life of congruence. You're not finding that little thing where it's like, “I'm doing this, and it's not really me.” That's the happiness we're looking for is the part where this is really me and I really fit and I have joy in my life, which doesn't mean don't learn new things, by the way. New things make us uncomfortable, but that discomfort is good. That leverages a lot of other things. It really is finding the joy in the life that you're living and living in congruence with your values, who you are, what drives you. That's what we mean by happiness. [00:07:10] PF: Very well said. The whole #HappyActs movement and campaign grew out of the International Day of Happiness. This is a two-part question. First, I'm going to ask you to explain to everyone what the International Day of Happiness is. Then I want to know how that became 31 days because I don't think I even know exactly how we went from having one day of happiness to Live Happy saying, “You know what? We're going to have 31 days of happiness.” [00:07:37] DH: Well, the International Day of Happiness, which is March 20th, is the day that the United Nations declared in 2012 to be the International Day of Happiness. The Kingdom of Bhutan actually petitioned for that, and the UN granted that day as the International Day of Happiness. It's sitting out there on the calendar. Well, that happens to coincide about with the same time that we were launching Live Happy. There were other companies in the happiness space that were looking at it. But we really said, “Look, if this is the International Day of Happiness, we need to do something on that day to drive forward the idea that you can choose to be happier and make more people aware of it.” We still talk about #HappyActs as a social intervention project, meaning we're trying to educate people that they can do things to make the world a happier place and, hopefully, promote them to take action to do so. We felt like the International Day of Happiness, as declared by the United Nations, was the perfect way to do that. I and my co-founder, Jeff Olson, have both had the privilege of speaking at the United Nations on the International Day of Happiness and talking about how human well-being is just as important as economic development when you're looking at countries, companies, communities. We can't just talk about whether people are monetarily successful. We have to talk about their quality of life. That was really why the UN was focused on it. We went out of that position into, “But people can choose to be happier. How do we get them to take action in that direction?” That's where #HappyActs was born. Then, of course, one day is not a lot of time to do that, so we spread it out over a month. We ask everybody just to kind of spend their month focused on doing happy acts. Really, studies show us. You and I have talked about this before, and if you've listened to this podcast for the past six years, seven years, eight years. How long have we been doing this? [00:09:27] PF: Nine years. [00:09:28] DH: Nine years? You've heard us say this before. Take those 30 days and do the #HappyActs because studies show us that if you do something for 21 days, it can change the way you think. It can change the way you view the world. There's that great study on gratitude which says if you practice gratitude by recognizing three things you're grateful for every day for 21 days and then you stop, even six months later, that activity for 21 days means that you are happier or you have a better, greater perceived well-being six months later than you did before you started those 21 days. Having our 30 Days of #HappyActs is a way for you to build in a habit of doing happy acts and the benefits that come from that habit. Remember, the benefits come with intention, not accidental. You don't get to say, “Oh.” Think back and go, “Oh, you know what? I did open a door for somebody today. That counts.” That’s not the way this works. Do it with intention for you to receive the benefit. Then, of course, we hope that we do it for the 31 days, and you continue to do it throughout your lifetime because that is the goal. To make the world a happier place, it's going to take all of us doing little things every day. [00:10:40] PF: Yes. We really can't underestimate the power of one small act of happiness. We hear stories over and over about how that act came just at the perfect time when someone was going through something. Someone was having a horrible day, and we don't know that. Just one act changed their day, which think about how that changed the next day for them. It's really an incredible cascading effect. [00:11:05] DH: It is and you don't know. Making that phone call to someone you haven't heard from for a long time or you haven't spoken to her for a long time. Or calling your grandmother or reaching out to your neighbor and just saying hi and having a chat. That could be a life-changing moment for them or for you that you don't even recognize until later. There are so many people in this world that are lonely that need to be reached out to. There are so many people that feel like they're on their own or that they're not visible. They aren't seen. See people. Share with them how they feel. I mean, share with them how you feel. Share with them something meaningful, even if it's a cup of coffee. A cup of coffee can be meaningful. A side chat in the hallway at the office saying, “Hey, I heard what you said in that meeting, and I thought that was really insightful.” That can make somebody's day. Those are the little things to do. They don't take anything away from you. It's the great thing about happiness. It's abundant. Giving thanks, giving gratitude, expressing appreciation, taking the time to talk to someone and really listen to them, we do all of those out of a place of abundance. You don't run out of that. It's not like if I talk to you, I can't talk to somebody else. [00:12:15] PF: Right. It's like oxygen. We're not going to just run out if we keep taking it in. [00:12:19] DH: Exactly. [00:12:20] PF: You have created the happiness walls that we've been doing for all these years, and they were physical walls. This year, 10-year anniversary, we're doing things a little bit different. We're getting digital. I want to hear all about the brand-new and improved digital walls. [00:12:38] DH: I want to talk about those, but I also want to let our wall hosts, many of who I know listen to this podcast regularly, know that we are not discouraging physical walls. So many put up in schools, put up in offices. We want to continue to do that, but we also want to reach more people, and we want to reach more people around the world. This year, we are launching a digital #HappyActs wall. You can go and post stuff directly there. If you are hosting a physical wall, please go and post directly on our digital wall what you're doing at your physical wall. [00:13:14] PF: Or they can take a picture of the physical wall and post it on our digital wall. [00:13:19] DH: Exactly. Or you can say, “Hey, we're going to be hosting a wall at X and X school or at X and X business.” We don't want to discourage physical walls, but we want to grow. In fact, we want to encourage that. Please, if you've been a wall host for several years, you know what kind of an experience it is. It's a lot of work, but you get so much joy and so much emotional uplift and positive feedback, simply from being the wall host. You can interact with everybody all day and talk about happiness. What could be worse? It’s a great thing to do. If you want to host a physical wall, you can go to livehappy.com, and there's a menu called Happy Acts. Drop down. It'll share with you how to host a physical wall. Please, we're still doing those. But digital wall, we want to post and share our digital wall. Host to and share our digital wall as widely as possible. You'll be able to see our digital wall at livehappy.com/wall. Add your contributions. Point out happy acts you're seeing. Post a happy message. Take pictures of a physical wall and put it there. Announce that you're hosting a physical wall. Create a happy message, a happy video, whatever it is you want to do. Post it on Facebook. Post it on Insta. Create a TikTok. Whatever it is you do to celebrate the International Day of Happiness and celebrate happiness, we want to see it on the livehappy.com/wall. I think that it's going to be an easy way for you to tag that wall and share it with people and say, “Check this out.” We want to build that wall globally. We want it to be as large as it can be. We're going to launch that, or we launch that on March 1st, and we're going to keep it up for a while. Really, take the time to go check out what other people are doing. Add your contribution. Be as creative as possible. Keep in mind we're trying to spread joy. We're trying to create happiness. We're trying to share #HappyActs. It’s a new way to do a wall. Also, make your commitment. Tell us how you are going to share happiness. Create your post on our virtual wall that says, “I will share happiness by.” It's the same thing we do with the physical walls. Do it on our virtual wall. We don't care if you're doing it in video. We don't care if you're just typing it out. We don't care if there's a picture associated with it. Whatever we can do to share #HappyActs in the month of March and commit to sharing #HappyActs in the month of March, we want to see it. [00:15:44] PF: I'm really excited to see what people come up with because I know we have some very creative listeners. I'm really eager to see what happens when they're not confined to the space of a five-by-eight to tell us how they're going to celebrate happiness. I'm really excited to see what this is going to do. [00:16:01] DH: Me, too. I think that we have a very creative group of listeners and followers. I think we all know that because we see it all the time. I'm excited to see some of that creativity show through. Let's just share happiness. By the way, if you're looking for happy acts ideas, we have our 31 Ideas for #HappyActs calendar up already on our website. You can already download your 31 Ideas for #HappyActs. You don't have to do them all, but download it. Print it. Put it on your refrigerator. Remind yourself to do something. Then, of course, just share what you're doing to make the world a happier place as widely as possible. Invite other people to join us. This is a social awareness campaign. People can choose to be happier. Most people don't know that. There are things you can do to be happier. There are things you can do to improve the lives of your family and those around you. We just want as many people as possible to learn that they can make a difference in their own lives. [00:16:58] PF: We have to admit that we might steal some of their ideas and use them for future #HappyAct suggestions. [00:17:04] DH: We absolutely will. Absolutely will. A lot of the happy acts in our calendar are easy to do. Some of them are big. We have foster an animal on there. Please don't if you're not equipped to do that. If you are, it's a good idea. Make sure that you're sharing with us what you are doing, though, as we go through this. [00:17:22] PF: Yes. This is going to be a lot of fun. I know we've got some new shirts coming into the store in time for International Day of Happiness. That's a great thing. We'll be posting on social media about those as we get them in. Is there anything else you want us to know as we head into March and we head into this, what we consider at Live Happy the season of happiness? Really, it's our Christmas. Honestly, it's like our big day, and we celebrate it. What do you want people to know as we enter this month? [00:17:53] DH: I really just want them to know that this is a practice. We celebrate it every March, but it's something that we want to promote every day. I want people to know that even though we're not running in an International Day of Happiness campaign, we're not doing #HappyActs campaign, what we're about here at Live Happy is giving you the tools and the information that you need to build the life you want and to live a happier life. It doesn't matter where you're starting from in your own life. Wherever you are, you can do things to improve the community. You can do things to improve your own life. You can do things to live a happier life. We've got resources here for you, but what we really want to see is you taking action. You can read about it all day long. You can listen to this podcast. I hope you go to livehappy.com and read. I hope you listen to this podcast every week. In reality, you have to take action. This is an opportunity to take action. [00:18:50] PF: I love it. I can't add anything else to that because you just nailed it. Deb, thank you so much for sitting down with me. I know how busy you are, and I appreciate you taking the time to sit down. I also know you love this topic, so I'm glad we were able to have this conversation again. [00:19:07] DH: Me, too. I wish I could be on the podcast every week. Paula, you do such an amazing job. You don't need me every week. It’s always a joy to be able to chat with you, and I hope to see everybody out there doing their happy acts. I want to see them on the wall. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:19:24] PF: That was Deborah Heisz, talking about Happiness Month, the International Day of Happiness, and #HappyActs. If you'd like to learn more about us, download your 31 Days of #HappyActs poster, learn about our happiness wall or literally anything else related to Happiness Month, visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. We hope you've enjoyed this episode of Live Happy Now. If you don't receive us every week, we invite you to subscribe wherever you get your podcast. While you're there, feel free to drop us a review and let us know what you think. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Musicians on Call with Katy Epley [INTRO] [00:00:04] PF: What’s up, everybody? This is Paula Felps, and you are listening to On a Positive Note. Music has the power to help us heal, and that's why one organization is delivering music where it might be needed most, the hospital. Musicians On Call is a volunteer organization that connects musicians with hospitals to provide live and recorded music to patients. Its volunteers have performed for more than one million people in health care facilities throughout the US. Today, I'm talking with Katy Epley, executive vice president at Musicians On Call to learn more about how this program started, and how it has changed the lives of both patients, and the musicians who perform for them. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW]   [0:00:47] PF: Well, Katie. Welcome to On a Positive Note.   [0:00:50] KE: Thank you, Paula. I'm so happy to be here. [0:00:52] PF: We're ecstatic to have you on the show. Musicians On Call is an organization that I've been aware of, following for quite some time. It just does such great things. To kick it off, for people who aren't aware of what you do, tell us about the organization.   [0:01:06] KE: Okay, great. Yes. Musicians On Call is a nonprofit organization. We started in 1999. So this is actually our 25th anniversary this year.   [0:01:15] PF: Congratulations.   [0:01:16] KE: Thank you. We are very excited, and have lots of things planned. But Musicians On Call is a nonprofit, and we bring live, and recorded music to the bedsides of patients, and families, and caregivers in healthcare environments. The primary way we do that is we have volunteer guides who escort volunteer musicians from room to room inside hospitals. The volunteer guide is trained to know which rooms to go into, which rooms not to go into. And they are going to the hospital room doors, knocking on the door, and going in, and saying, "Hey, I'm Katy. I'm here as Musicians On Call. We have a volunteer in the hallway that all come in and play for you if you feel like hearing music." So that way, the patient has the choice whether or not they want the musician to come in. Nine times out of 10, they say yes. And the guide brings the musician into the room, and we try to play something that the patient would like. So we sometimes ask, "Do you want something upbeat, something slow? What kind of music do you like?" Then, we perform a song right there at the bedside of the patient. I can tell you about it all day long, but until you're inside that hospital room, and can just feel the difference that music is making for the patient, their caregivers, or their family, it is just magical. We do that and we play a song. Usually, the patient says, "Oh, this is the best part of my day. I wasn't expecting this. This is amazing." Sometimes there's happy tears, sometimes there's just emotional tears, you just never know. Then, we go to the next room, and the next room, and the next room. We do that for about 90 minutes, and we try to see as many patients, families, and caregivers that we can play for within that 90 minutes. That's what we call MOC bedside. That's our MOC bedside program. Obviously, with the pandemic, we had to stop doing that in person, so we switched everything to virtual. I would say those are our primary two programs that we offer. [0:03:11] PF: Now, how did you get involved with it? [0:03:13] KE: I was so lucky. I was so lucky I had moved to Nashville, and Musicians On Call was in New York. Our founders started Musicians On Call in New York, and they were ready to expand to Nashville. I was working at the Songwriters Guild of America, and one of the attorneys for Musicians On Call in New York was also the attorney for the Songwriters Guild of America. He's like, "Ooh, you should come meet with Katy" because I was writing articles for musician, songwriters, the newsletters that they were receiving every month. So he was like, "She can write an article for the songwriters, and that will help you get volunteers." As soon as I saw the videos, if anybody's ever has been to Musicians On Call website, and been hooked via video, I was hooked. I was so lucky to meet with our executive director then, and she sent me the job description, and said, "If you know anybody, here's the position we're looking for." I actually sent it to so many people. I was like, "Oh, you'd be so good at this. This organization is fantastic." It took me like a minute before I was like, "Wait a minute, I want to do this job." [0:04:16] PF: It's like, can I unsend those emails. [0:04:19] KE: Yes. I was lucky. I was 24 years old, and they selected me to run the Nashville branch of Musicians On Call. I was our only employee, and that was 17 years ago. I'm still here and I'm still loving every minute of it. [0:04:32] PF: That's amazing. What made the founders choose hospitals. There's many different settings. You can do nursing home, there's so many different settings, where music can be beneficial. What is it that made them identify patients in a healthcare setting as where they wanted to focus? [0:04:49] KE: It's actually a really great question. Our two founders, Michael Solomon, and Vivek J. Tiwary. Michael, 25 years ago, his girlfriend was Kristen Ann Carr, and she had cancer. Her mother was actually Bruce Springsteen's manager. So as she was in the hospital receiving treatments, Bruce would actually come in and play music for her, and she'd be like, "Oh, go play for some of the other patients." When Michael, after, sadly, Kristen Ann Carr passed, his friend, Vivek also had a similar story where he lost someone that he loved. Together, they started bringing musicians into hospital lobbies to perform for patients, or patients in group settings. This was at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York. One day, the nurses asked if they could come play music for some of the patients who were not able to come to the common area. When they did that, they just saw it was magical, and that they wanted to bring these experiences to more patients who can't leave their beds. That's when Musicians On Call was born. [0:05:51] PF: I cannot imagine the amount of emotion that is involved. For one thing, a lot of times, people in hospitals feel forgotten. We also, as we touched on music is such a healing force. Then, you bring those things together. What do patients do when this happens for them? When someone walks in and says, "May I play you a song?" [0:06:12] KE: Really great question. It is so emotional. We can go to the same floor every single week, and every single week, it's different, because it's different people in the hospital. I think – it really depends what unit it is too. If it's acute care where people are in and out of the hospital, for like a planned reason, it's maybe a little less emotional. But if there's someone, like the trauma unit, where something traumatic has happened, and you're in the hospital, and we've seen music, lower blood pressure, it improves your outlook, and your overall mood. I think, it's again, very emotional, but you can see – sometimes, I remember being in the hospital one time. It was at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital. We went in and it was a small child. They said, yes, you can play some music. The dad was hunched over on his chair, with my hands folded, clasp tight. Just by the course of a song, you could just see him, like lean back in his chair and relax just a little bit. To see how music can really transform the environment is just amazing. I've been there 17 years, I could tell you a thousand stories.   [0:07:20] PF: I bet you have a few stories.   [0:07:22] KE: But I think the biggest thing is just helping improve the stress levels for patients, and the caregivers. We've seen caregivers tell us like, "Oh, I request to work on Thursday nights, because I know you'll be here."   [0:07:33] PF: Oh, that's great.   [0:07:34] KE: It does bring this uplifting experience for everybody involved. [0:07:39] PF: And is there ever reluctance on behalf of the hospital? Especially when you're trying to approach a hospital, and we're going to bring this program in, re they hesitant? Or are they, "Yes, we've heard about you guys, let's go"? [0:07:51] KE: Yes. I think in a little bit olden days, they were a little hesitant because it was just a little bit unknown. And music was this kind of like a nice thing to do. But I think now, all of the studies and the research shows that music really does have a direct effect on people, and it can improve patient's experience in the hospital. It can improve caregivers, their experience in the hospital. I think now, because there is such a scientific connection with the healing power of music, and how it can have such a positive effect on people. That now, people are welcoming us with open arms, and we're not able to expand fast enough to keep up with the demand for our programs. [0:08:30] PF: That's a really great problem to have.   [0:08:32] KE: It really is. [0:08:33] PF: How do you get the artists and what level do they have to be? Or let's talk about the criteria for an artist that wants to be part of Musicians On Call? [0:08:42] KE: Sure, absolutely. We have a volunteer musician application, where you can go to our website, musiciansoncall.org, and you can click on the volunteer button to then apply to become a volunteer musician. So a local musician, they would need to have a soothing sound. We're not going to bring in any like crazy, heavy metal artists, so yes. An acoustic soothing sound is what we're looking for. We have musicians of all different genres, and we provide the training. So as long as a musician has the talent, we can then tell them what songs are appropriate. We're not going to sing anything about loneliness, dying, all that kind of stuff. We provide all that training. [0:09:24] PF: We probably stay out of the country song book pretty heavily. [0:09:28] KE: Yes, there's quite a few that we probably shouldn't play. But we do have a song database that's like, these are the songs that work well in a hospital environment. So we have a suggested list to pull from. That's really like our local musicians. Those are the people who are tried and true, volunteering once a month, and giving back to their community. Then, occasionally, we'll have the artists such as like Darius Rucker, or Kelly Clarkson, or someone that just you hear about, that's a celebrity that comes in, and performs. That helps so many ways. Because one, if you're a patient and Darius Rucker walks into your room, it's like a once in a lifetime thing, and he's amazing. That is obviously fantastic. Then, also the buzz that that creates, then people hear about us. It really spread the message of Musicians On Call. But we also can't do that with just one or the other. We need these celebrities to spread the word, but we also need the local musicians. That way, we can keep our program running on a weekly basis. It takes both. [0:10:27] PF: Especially, Nashville, so many artists, so many people working to make it and great songwriters, and that's going to help them to. It's probably beneficial for the musicians because they're trying something new. They're honing their craft, but in a very different setting. [0:10:44] KE: Absolutely. I've had so many musicians who are like, "Oh, man. I can play in front of 5,000 people. But like, oh man, to be right in our hospital room is so intimidating." Which to me is just baffling, because I'm like, "You can get up there on stage and play for like so many people, but this is what you're doing." I mean, I think it's true, because you're being vulnerable. You're right in someone's hospital room at one of their scariest moments sometimes. But I think, the musicians get so much out of it. The volunteer guides, haven't really talked a lot about the guides, but the guide is the one that's escorting the musician. They know what to do, they know what to say, they're there to support the musician if there is a situation that they don't know what to do. So anybody can be a volunteer guide. I mean, you just have to have a love of music and a love of people, because you're the one knocking on the door of the hospital room, not knowing what's going on on the other side. So you know, as long as you can be comfortable in that environment and be the one communicating with the patient, anybody can be a volunteer guide. Then, I think for both the guide and the musician, you both just get so much out of it. Because when you leave that hospital, you're like, "Oh my gosh, we just made a difference." You remember each of those rooms that you went to, and you have those stories that you carry with you. [0:11:59] PF: That's fantastic. You've seen it affect patients. How do you see the artists who participate be touched, and change. I cannot even imagine, because as you said, it's so different than getting up on a stage and playing. They're sitting there, and they're watching this person really being moved and changed by the music. What does it do for the artist? [0:12:18] KE: I think it's so meaningful, because they're getting to use their gifts, and their talent in a way that's helping others. I think in the music industry, you can become so jaded by all of it, and the rollercoaster ride of the highs, and lows of success, and all that. For them to just be able to give back to people who want to hear – their captive audience, they're in there, and they're loving it. It's a way to connect, it's that point of connection between the artist and the musician. Then, we have folks like Charles Aston. I don't know if anyone's familiar with Charles Aston.   [0:12:48] PF: Oh, yes.   [0:12:49] KE: Deacon Clayborn from the show, Nashville, and now he's on the Outer Banks. But I mean, he is one of the most amazing human beings, he so giving. He started doing our program several years ago. Now, he's a board member and serves on our board of directors. I think that you can see someone like that where he could do anything he wants with his time and his talents, and he gives back so much to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, because he had a daughter that battle that when she was a child. To think that he has been so moved over the years to join our board, and to serve us in that way, I think is a real testimony to say how much it does for musicians. [0:13:30] PF: How many musicians would you say you've had through your program over the years? Do you have any calculation of that? [0:13:37] KE: I know before the pandemic hit, we had 800 current volunteers. Those were volunteers that were actively volunteering with us once a month. That was volunteer musicians and guides. But if I were to look back, like historically over 25 years, that's a really good question. I don't know how many people have volunteered as a total.   [0:13:55] PF: There's an infographic that needs to be made. [0:13:58] PF: Yes. Now, you have another program I'm really interested in. Wanted to talk to you about, and that's your songwriting program. I think this is incredible. We've done some things on songwriting with soldiers, and there's some other things. Tell us the Musicians On Call songwriting programs about. [0:14:13] KE: This one is really cool. I would love to tell a story about this if it's okay.   [0:14:17] PF: Please.   [0:14:18] KE: It would have been probably 12 years ago, and was my first time doing this program. There used to be a facility in Nashville called Bordeaux Long-Term Care. It was a place where people went to live basically probably for the rest of their life because they needed long-term care and they weren't going home. We wanted to go there, and we did this as – you can do it in different time. You can do it all in one day, or you can do it in different periods of time. But this one, because it was a long-term care facility, we wanted to do it over a course of six weeks. Once a week, or I think, once or twice a week we would come and meet with the same group. The hospital selected a group of residents to come and write songs with us. The first day we showed up, everybody was like – the people were just walking in, they are like, "What are we doing? What did we sign up for?" Then we explained. We said, "We're going to write songs." Harlan was our volunteer musician, and we were going to come together as a group and write a song. So, they were like, "Okay. Yeah, you know." Then the next time we came, everybody was on time. Then the next time we came, they were there waiting for us.   [0:15:25] PF: Oh, wow.   [0:15:26] KE: It was so cool to see just the change in attitude by the end of it. But basically, what happened is, we got together and said, like, "What do we want to write about? How are we feeling and all that?" The group decided they wanted to write about things that they were grateful for.   [0:15:42] PF: I love it.   [0:15:42] KE: One man had a long ponytail braid, and he was in a wheelchair, and he didn't have any legs. So he was grateful that he still had his hair, and he was grateful that he had a chance to dance before. Then, there was just a variety of things like that, that they said. There was one woman who was probably in her eighties. If you've ever been to Nashville, you've probably driven down Music Row, and you see the banners that are on Music Row, that's like number one song here, number one song. This woman had said that she moved to Nashville, and she – it was her dream to see her name on one of those banners on Music Row. That just kind of stuck with us. Anyway, they wrote this song called, I Am Grateful. By the end of the six weeks, we came in, and we brought in recording equipment. And some of the nurses came and joined us, and we recorded this song called, I Am Grateful. So then, back then, it was a CD release party. We had pressed it onto a CD, and we had pictures, and art, and all that, and then we have a CD release party. So we came back, and we had the group perform and sing at this long-term care facility, and we passed out CDs, they got to autograph it. We had a banner made with everybody's name on it, with the song on there. It was just the most incredible experience for everyone that participated for the musicians helping to write the song, for the patients. They got to have this experience that they otherwise wouldn't have been able to have. For that six weeks, they are different people, talking about like the power of music, what it can do. It was just really, really amazing. That's MOC songwriting, I would say in a nutshell, but that was probably a really long story to tell. [0:17:23] PF: No, that's a great story. I love that. How often do you do that now? Is it by special request or – because that's some intensive process? [0:17:34] KE: Yes. Yes, it is. That's not one of our ongoing programs. We do that one on a case-by-case basis. But we did that during the pandemic, with a VA hospital in Phoenix, actually, where an artist was on Zoom. The patients at the VA were in a group setting, and they actually wrote a song together through Zoom. It doesn't have to be a six-week period, and it usually isn't anymore. But we can go in with recording equipment and write a song in a hospital room with a with a patient nowadays, just record it right then and there. It's not a program that's on an ongoing basis, but it's one that we do when we have a special request, or a grant, or something like that, that makes sense. [0:18:13] PF: How cathartic is it for the patient to be able to work on this song, and get their emotions out through lyrics. [0:18:21] KE: I think it's magical, really. I think the one thing, though, I will say is that we don't do music therapy. There's a music therapy process by which their therapists are pulling out those emotions and helping people work through them. Where we're providing entertainment for the patients and providing like a therapeutic activity. If it does kind of get into the more emotional – we always have somebody like a recreational therapist, or child-life therapist or someone there that can kind of handle those, the raw emotions that might come up through it. But I think, regardless of the type of activity, I think that it is one that is helping people express their emotions. I was just telling a friend, I didn't grow up in a household where we talked about our emotions, and thought deeply about where do they come from, and what am I actually feeling. That's not normal. I think it's starting to be normalized, but I think, any working on like your emotions, and it's kind of digging deeper, and being curious about what you're thinking, and feeling is helpful for all of us. [0:19:24] PF: I love it. What's next for Musicians On Call? What else is going on? And then, also, what are ways that people can get involved, people who aren't musicians? Can we talk about that too? [0:19:35] KE: Yes, absolutely. As I mentioned earlier, it's our 25th anniversary of Musicians On Call. So we have a big 25th anniversary campaign coming up, where we're going to have different celebrity hospital visits, and new cities that come on board with Musicians On Call. We're expanding to Tampa this year. We're expanding to Orlando, which is really exciting. We're going to be having events in Nashville and New York to celebrate the 25th anniversary. Those are some upcoming things that we're looking forward to. Then, we are – what else is going on? We're looking for volunteers. That's the biggest thing. Yes, the volunteer guides and the volunteer musicians that want to go into the hospital, or they want to volunteer virtually. Like I said, anybody can be a volunteer guide, and the volunteer musicians just need to have a really soothing sound. They can go on our website to fill out a volunteer application. [0:20:27] PF: I think this is such an incredible program. So grateful for the work you're doing and thankful that you had time to sit down to talk with me about it, because I think it's something more people need to know about. [0:20:38] KE: Oh, thank you, Paula. Thank you for inviting us to come and share Musicians On Call with you and your listeners who are so grateful for this opportunity. [END OF INTERVIEW] [0:20:49] PF: That was Katy Epley of Musicians On Call, talking about the healing power of music in the hospital setting. If you'd like to learn more about Musicians On Call, follow them on social media, or see how you can be a volunteer. Just visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast link. I hope you've enjoyed this episode of On a Positive Note and look forward to joining you again next time. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Enduring the Loss of Love With Clare Mackintosh [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 456 of Live Happy Now. As we continue our month-long look at love, this week, we're talking about an inevitable but painful aspect of it. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and today, I'm sitting down with best-selling novelist, Clare Mackintosh, who has written her first nonfiction book, and it's very personal, I Promise It Won't Always Hurt Like This. Is part memoir and part roadmap through the tricky and heart wrenching journey of grief. As you're about to hear, Clare wrote these 18 assurances on grief years after the death of her son, and she has encouraging words for everyone who is mourning the loss of love. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW]   [0:00:44] PF: Clare, thank you so much for joining me on Live Happy Now.   [0:00:48] CM: Thank you for having me. [0:00:49] PF: I am really, really excited to talk to you. Most people know you as a New York Times bestselling author, you write thrillers. What we're talking about today could not be farther removed from that. So what we're talking about today is your new book that's coming out in March, it's called, I Promise It Won't Always Hurt Like This. It is about grief and loss. All this month, we are talking about love on Live Happy Now. For many, it might seem odd to include loss as part of that conversation, but it really is. [0:01:19] CM: Well, that two sides of the same coin, aren't they? You don't grieve for someone unless you love them. [0:01:25] PF: Right. Right. Loss is inevitable. In some way. we're going to lose the ones we love. [0:01:32] CM: We are. I think that the more conversations we have about death, about grief, about how we're likely to prepare for that, and to feel when it happens, the better. As a writer, and a prolific reader, the best way I know to start conversations is books. [0:01:53] PF: Yes. Yes. You do it so well. What's interesting is, even prior to this book, with your fiction, grief has really informed your work. Can you talk a little bit about that, how it has appeared in your fiction work? [0:02:06] CM: It keeps cropping up in my fiction, even when I don't set out to write about grief. My first book is very obviously about grief, and that the central character has lost a child. The book starts, in fact, with a hit and run that kills a child. This is I Let You Go, which was my big debut. I guess I put a lot of my own emotions in that as someone who had lost a child herself. I imbued that character with a lot of the emotions that I was feeling. But then, what I found in subsequent novels is that it just kept ripping in, either I was exploring it directly and that the characters were experiencing grief, or it was a sort of a slightly more obtuse angle, perhaps. They were grieving a trauma. One of my characters in my more recent novel, The Last Party is grieving the sort of the loss of her adolescence, I suppose, as a result of something very big and dramatic that happened to her as a teenager. So yes, grief has sort of woven itself through everything that I've written, but I have never written directly about my own grief. [0:03:23] PF: What's interesting is that this book really began as a Twitter post. Can you give us that backstory? I found this so interesting. [0:03:31] CM: Yes. I mean, social media is, it can be a really difficult place of content in lots of ways. But it's also an amazing place for people to come together, and draw comfort in each other's stories. What happened was that, I felt a sudden need to share something, and it was because I'd woken up on the 14th anniversary of my son's death, and I hadn't realized it was his anniversary. That was significant for me, simply because, anniversaries have been really tough. I think a lot of people find these significant dates, that the anniversary of someone's death, their birthday, perhaps a wedding anniversary, or whatever it is. A significant date can be really, really difficult when you've lost someone. For years, I'd really struggled with the 10th of December as just this sort of specter of the year where I would feel my grief more acutely than any other time. On this particular day, I woke up and I just did what I normally did. I had breakfast, and I did some work, and you know, and then I suddenly realized it was December 10th. I felt, well, initially, I actually felt guilty. I had this sudden blood of, "Oh my goodness, how could I have forgotten this huge date?" But then, what I felt was a kind of right, I suppose, that I had survived. It made me think about the way those anniversaries had changed and consequently, the way my grief had changed over time. I went on what was then Twitter, and I shared some thoughts on the way grief evolves over time. What I wanted to do was promised people that it would get better, that it would get easier to carry. This was a promise that had been made to me in the immediate aftermath of my son's death. A woman had come to the door, and given me a bunch of daffodils from her garden. We'd never met before, but she had lost a child herself many years previously. She wants to reach out and promise me that it would get better, and I didn't believe her, but it had. I tweeted these promises, different aspects of grief and the way they changed, and the thread went viral. I was inundated with messages from people all over the world. They were kind of split into two camps. There were the people who, like me, were veterans in their grief, who were saying, "Yes, you're absolutely right. This is what happens to grief over time, it becomes easier to carry, it becomes softer, it's become something that we live with, but it doesn't define us." And then, there were the other stories, the people who were right at the start of their grief journey, who were saying, "I really needed to hear these promises. Thank you. I need to know that there's hope. I need to know that there's light at the end of the tunnel." I tried to reply to all these messages, but they came in so fast. I just couldn't. So I did what authors do, and I wrote a book. [0:06:42] PF: Because yes, that is what you do. I want to ask you, because as you said, when that woman told you, it would get better, you didn't believe her. I think that's true of every one of us who experiences a devastating loss. We feel like, okay, I understand your situation got better, but mine never will. I think that's very human and it needs to – it's okay to feel that way. [0:07:07] CM: It absolutely is. I distinctly remember what I was thinking when that woman was talking to me. I would never have said this to her face, and I'm still really quite ashamed of the fact that I thought it. But what I was thinking was, you can't have loved your child the way that I loved him, because if you did, it wouldn't get better. You wouldn't be standing, you wouldn't be – have makeup on, and be dressed nicely, and holding down a job, and you wouldn't be doing any of this because my life has fallen apart and it will never get better. You know, it's not an attractive thought, but grief isn't.   [0:07:49] PF: But it's human, yes.   [0:07:50] CM: Yes, it is. Grief isn't soft-focused, like tear-stained cheeks, and crisp-white handkerchiefs. Grief is ugly, and raw, and painful. Often, it's angry, it's losing your temper with people, or being aggressive even. It's so many different things. They are all totally normal, and totally valid. [0:08:16] PF: Absolutely. Absolutely. With your assurances, and that's what they are. I love that you call them the 18 assurances, and that truly is what they are. Can you mention a couple? Then, I also want to know how you develop these? Did you just sit down and write these thoughts down? Or were they just observations and realizations that came to you over time that you wrote down? [0:08:41] CM: The book is structured into 18 standalone promises or assurances. So each chapter in the book is effectively a different promise. That was something I wanted to do, because I want people to be able to pick up the book, and dip into it, to be able to read just one chapter. I remember how incredibly short my attention span was. when I was first bereaved. I couldn't concentrate properly, and I just didn't have that focus to be able to read a whole book. It was overwhelming. So, I think something that is bite-size, that's easily digestible is really important when you're going through something like that. But I also wanted to be able to offer hope at every stage of the book. So sometimes, we read memoirs, they're structured in a very narrative linear fashion. At the start of the book, this terrible thing, this event happens, whether it's a bereavement, and an abuse, whatever it is, poverty, alcoholism, a terrible thing has happened. Then, gradually, we move forward in time to a place of happiness, and hope, and that's where we leave the reader. That works brilliantly, and it's a great way of structuring an autobiography or a memoir. But the problem with it is that you have to travel through all those dark times before you get to the light. I felt that readers who are recently bereaved or who are living with loss, you shouldn't have to wait so long. I wanted to give them small pockets, I suppose, of hope. What the structure does is that it gives you these 18 promises, and they cover what I see as symptoms of grief. Because for me, grief is like a chronic illness you will live with forever, but the symptoms come and go over time. The symptoms can be managed in the way that symptoms of a chronic disorder can be managed. For example, I promise that you will be able to sleep easily again, and I promise that you will be able to take a breath without feeling as though someone's sitting on your chest crushing it. All these symptoms of grief that are so very acute in the beginning will ease over time. When I started writing it, it was a very different approach to my fiction. I'm a very methodical, very organized person, I have endless lists. When I write my novels, which are generally very sort of twisty, totally plotted thrillers, I have spreadsheets, I have word tables, I have all sorts. It's all very, very – I suppose, scientific on my computer. This was very different. I needed to write in pen, and I don't know why I needed to. It just felt – [0:11:41] PF: That makes sense. Yes, really connecting, because you were so connected emotionally with this topic. To be able to connect with a page in that same way, that makes perfect sense to me. [0:11:51] CM: Yes. I think I needed that sort of grounding. Anyway, I bought a new notebook, obviously, because writers take every opportunity to buy new stationery. I had a beautiful notebook with the title. In fact, the title was slightly different. The working title was just promises for grief. The notebook has promises for grief on the front, and I wrote things down as they occurred to me. I carried that notebook around with me for months. I just wrote down everything I thought of about grief, and how it had evolved, and how I'd navigated it. I thought of sort of snapshots, I suppose of my life over the last 18 years. Because grief can do funny things to your memory, and a lot of – when I think back, a lot of the early days come to me in very small pockets. It's a little bit like – I've been watching a film, but I've been walking in and out of the room. I'm just seeing broken scenes, and not quite sure what links them together. When I was very ill with my grief, that's how things were, that there would be perhaps a moment, a conversation, or a day that stands out in sharp relief. But I'm not quite sure what happened either side of it, because I was so unhappy, I was so desperate. I wrote all that down. Slowly, what emerged were themes so that I could group things together under particular topics that I wanted to explore. But it was a slow process, I couldn't write it as fast as I wrote my fiction. Normally, I will say to myself that I will write around 1500 words or 2000 words a day, and I will just keep going, unrelenting, seven days a week until that draft is finished, 100,000 words. Done. Well, I couldn't possibly write I Promise that fast. In fact, I needed to keep putting it down and leaving it for several days. There were parts of it that I didn't want to write at home. I didn't want to bring all that past grief into a life that is now very settled, very calm, very happy. I didn't want the two worlds to collide. So instead, I wrote in hotel rooms. When I travelled for work, I would write on airplanes, in trains, anywhere where I knew I could shut myself into my own world and nobody was going to intrude. It didn't matter if I emerged from a hotel room having cried for an hour, no one was going to ask me what had happened. And yes, so I wrote it in in a much more disjointed way and that order, which I never do with my fiction. [0:14:41] PF: This is so different from writing, as you've just told us. The process was different. What was happening to you healing-wise to be working on this book? Because I know how it lands to read this book, and it's powerful. So I can only imagine what it was like to be walking through those feelings as you're writing this book. How did it change you to write this book? [0:15:04] CM: Well, the irony of it is that, of course, I set out to write this book because I realized how much better I was in my grief. I wanted to show other people that they could get better too. And yet, in writing it, I realized how broken I still was, and how I needed to do more work. I would say that this book tore me apart emotionally, and then put me back together again. I think that's what it might do for a lot of readers. I wrote the first draft, and actually, I found the first draft really therapeutic, and relatively straightforward to write. When I handed it in to my editor, I thought, "Ah, that wasn't as hard as I thought it would be." She called me and she said, "I love this. This is going to be so important. I need you to dig deeper now. I'm going to send the manuscript, and I'm going to mark up where I want you to tell us more." So I got this manuscript back, and there were lots, and lots of areas where she was saying, "Yes, but give us more." That second draft, wow, that was like – it was like peeling off my skin, and exposing my wound dead flesh to the world. It was so, so hard, and yet, when I finished, I felt so much lighter. I guess I realized that I hadn't quite worked through everything that I thought I had. So it was a real journey, a real process of therapy, and catharsis for me, which feels like a very selfish project. It feels like this is surely something that I could have done by writing a journal. But I don't think it would have worked like that for me. I don't think I would have been as honest in my own journal as I am in I Promise. Because I think I felt a huge weight of responsibility to tell it like it is. I pull no punches in this book. In fiction, we talk a lot about likable characters, and how readers need to be able to like the characters. They really [inaudible 0:17:18] and root for them. I can tell you, there are times in this memoir, where I am not a likable character. I felt it was really important, just to be honest, write the way through to never, ever tell anything that isn't just the raw truth. [0:17:35] PF: It's interesting as you talk, because one thing we do mention a lot on the show is the power of journaling. Can you see someone using kind of your similar process? Only they're not writing it for the world, they're only writing it to explain it to themselves. Could you see how that would be helpful? [0:17:52] CM: I think it is immeasurably helpful. I wrote it – my entire writing career is because of journaling. I'd written all my life, I wrote as a child, and writing was always something that I loved to do. But after Alex died, I started writing much more intensively, I suppose. I wrote letters to my unborn children, first of all, when – so one of the reasons, he died from meningitis and a brain bleed, but he was very premature, which of course, made him extra vulnerable. When I knew that the babies were arriving early, I started writing to them, I wrote letters, which is – letters are another way of journaling. You don't ever have to show those letters to anyone, but it's incredibly healing to say what you want to say to somebody. I wrote letters, and then after he died, I carried on writing. I started a blog, and I wrote about grief. And later on, I wrote about the postnatal depression that I suffered with my subsequent children. That was my first foray into writing for other people. What happened is that I would get letters, or emails, messages, comments from people saying, "This spoke to me. I've heard myself in your words." It was the first time I think that I'd realized how powerful words were, and not just as a reader, I've always known the power that they have over me as a reader. But it was the first time I'd realized that my words as a writer could have that sort of power. So, I then began writing for an audience and you know that the rest is history. But those early blog posts and those early journal entries were just for me. I think everybody can benefit from putting their thoughts onto paper. [0:19:48] PF: That's excellent. Obviously, the book gives us 18 assurances on grief. Is there one that is your favorite or that resonates with you more than the other promises? [0:19:59] CM: Oh, I don't know. I think they're all so important, and they're all very heartfelt. I guess the one that stands out is the title and the promise that actually, it's a slight cheat, I suppose. Or it's slightly disingenuous to have 18, because it is 18 assurances, but I have intentionally repeated the first and the last. Also, used it as the title, I promise it won't always hurt like this, because it's the most important one. It's the one you need to hear over, and over and over, because you won't believe it. I didn't believe it, but it will become true. So if readers take nothing else away from the 18th assurances, I want them to hear that, and know that it won't always hurt the way it's hurting for them now. [0:20:49] PF: This is such a powerful book for anyone who was wading through their grief. But what really struck me too is it's an incredible tool for the friends and family of someone who's grieving. Because it provides such a clear lens to look through, to really examine grief. Again, we are all going to face grief throughout our lives, so it can help us with our own. But when we're dealing with someone who's trying to handle immeasurable grief, this is really helpful for your circle as well. [0:21:19] CM: It's hard to know what to say sometimes, isn't it? Even those of us who have been through grief can struggle to find the right words. Because we know only too well, our grief isn't your grief. We all experience this in different ways. Loss is universal, but grief is unique. The words that might seem right for one person might really upset or offend someone else. The great thing about giving a book is that the recipient can read that whenever they want, and they can react to it however they want in private. They can read passages over and over, they can highlight bits, they can throw the book across the room if that –   [0:22:01] PF: [Inaudible 0:22:01]   [0:22:03] CM: And a book is there for you at the precise moment you need it. Of course, you might have friends that you can call at three in the morning. But the reality is that, most of us aren't going to do that. Even if those friends have been insistent in the fact that they are there for you no matter what, no matter when, we're not going to do it. We wake up, and we sit in the dark, and we feel so desperately alone, and so incredibly grief stricken. So to be able to turn on the light, and pick up a book, or to turn on your audiobook, and to listen to some words of comfort that might make you feel less alone I think is a really important thing. So yes, I hope that this book finds its way to people who need it, either because they are drawn to it on a bookshelf or because a friend presses it into their hand. [0:22:57] PF: Absolutely. Again, it is remarkable, it is well written, it's so personal, and it feels like listening to a friend, and going through this journey with someone else. Clare, I really appreciate you sitting down and talking about this. We're going to tell our listeners where they can find your book, where they can find your other books, where they can learn more about you. Again, this is just a remarkable book. It's for anyone going through grief, anyone who is friends, relative of someone who's trying to manage their grief. It is just an incredible, incredible book, and I thank you for writing it. [0:23:33] CM: Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to talk about it. [END OF EPISODE] [0:23:40] PF: That was Clare Mackintosh talking about grief and love. If you'd like to learn more about Clare, follow her on social media or learn more about her book, I Promise It Won't Always Hurt Like This, visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. While you're there, be sure to sign up for our weekly Live Happy newsletter. Every Tuesday, we drop a little bit of joy in your inbox with the latest stories, podcast info, and even a happy song of the week. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one.   [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Rethinking Your Relationship with Dr. Julia DiGangi [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:03] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 454 of Live Happy Now. It's February, which means a message of love and Valentine's Day is all around us. But did you know that this is a make-or-break time for many couples? I'm your host, Paula Felps. Today, I'm talking with Dr. Julia DiGangi, a neuropsychologist and author of the new book, Energy Rising: The Neuroscience of Leading with Emotional Power. She's here today to talk about some of the common mistakes we make in our relationships, and how we can improve those relationships by learning more about what our brains, not our hearts are doing to complicate things. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW]   [0:00:42] PF: Well, Dr. Julia, welcome to Live Happy Now. [0:00:45] JD: I'm so happy to be here, Paula. Thanks for having me. [0:00:47] PF: It's February, love is in the air, but sometimes it's not. That's what we want to talk about, because we have Valentine's Day coming up. This is a whole month, I know it's Heart Month. We talk about our hearts and we talk about love. That puts a lot of pressure on people. One reason I wanted to talk to you is your team had sent me some pretty revealing stats about what this time of year does to couples. It said that a survey showed 19% of respondents say that Valentine's Day is when their relationships hit the breaking point. What's going on with that? [0:01:22] JD: I think that one of the hardest things. I'm a neuropsychologist, which means, I'm a clinical psychologist with specialized expertise in the brain. I'm always thinking about our relationships through the lens of neurobiology, which sounds not romantic, but I swear to God, it's very romantic. The brain hates nothing more than dissonance. The brain is a prediction machine. It's a pattern detector. So your brain is moving you through life going apple, apple, apple, fill in the blank. Should it be an apple? Well, on Valentine's Day, what this means when our brain is quite literally in the business of predicting things based on context, your brain is going, Valentine's Day, hearts, love, romantic love, super intimate connection, sexual satisfaction. All these expectations really start to get pretty intense. For those of us who don't feel like our relationship meets those expectations, that disconnect between what we think it should be, and what the brain is actually experiencing can be quite painful. [0:02:27] PF: Do men and women experience that differently. [0:02:30] JD: Let me approach the question this way, and then you can tell me if I've answered it. Is the brain a pattern detector on both men and women? Absolutely. But then, when we get into these questions of like, well, what are the patterns that are programmed in our brains as women, versus what are the patterns that are programmed into our brains as men? So I think what happens is the function, the structure, and the function of the brain, we've done a lot of research around this. And we do not today think there are meaningful differences between the women's brain and the male brain. What I do think happens is there's different predictions, which a lot of us call expectations, which a lot of us call culture, which a lot of us call roles. What those are at the neurobiological level, though, are these predictive codes. I as a woman should do X. You as a man should do Y. One of the things that I do a lot of is I work with a lot of men. A lot of men gravitate toward my work. What I have seen over and over again is, society has set up a pattern, where men, when they were boys, when they were tiny, tiny boys were told to sever themselves from their emotion. The brain undergoes spectacular – I mean, it gives me chills to think about. In the earliest years of life, in year zero through five, the brain is doing something like a million, a million neural connections every single second.   [0:03:51] PF: A second?   [0:03:53] JD: A second.   [0:03:54] PF: Wow.   [0:03:55] JD: I know, it's incomprehensible. Well, what happens is we say, "Well, I don't really remember when I was born, one, two, three, four, five. So maybe, it didn't get me. Well, no, your brain was encoding your most formative lessons, specifically around relationships, around what love feels like, around what we're supposed to do with difficult emotions, about how safe intimacy is or isn't. So we've gotten messages in our childhood, we all did about how safe people are, about how much access we have to them. We continue to play that out. One of the things I think is very healing for people to understand, I got a couple of things to say about this. The first is, there's no relationship on the planet, there's not a single relationship on the planet that is more complex than the adult long-term romantic relationship. [0:04:47] PF: I think many people agree with that. We're relieved to hear that, because sometimes, we're made to think it should be easy if the media makes it look easy and it's not.   [0:04:57] JD: It's not. It's not easy at all. I think for a lot of us, because we have either shame, or we're confused, we then – I call it a pain sandwich, our relationship doesn't feel good. Then, because we don't know how to get the relief we want, we're in even more pain. But the things that we ask from our long-term partners, the number of roles. They're supposed to be our lover, or confidant, our caretaker, our coparent, our house manager, our business partner, it's insanely complex. So when there's a lot of complexity, there's always confusion. The confusion is happening in real time, meaning it's happening in our households on a day-to-day basis. But also, and this is a piece I would love to talk to you about. We do not partner for life by mistake, we partner for life to finish our unfinished childhood business. [0:05:54] PF: Oh. Yes, let's talk about that. Because I see a lot of articles where people say, "Well, maybe we weren't meant to be with one person for the rest of our life." Is that true? Or is it that it actually gets so difficult or so intense, that it's like, "Hmm. I think I'm going to go start this with somebody else"? [0:06:13] JD: I do not think that there's an answer to it. In other words, I think some relationships are meant to go on forever. I think some relationships are meant to end. I don't actually think that's the most powerful mission, if you will, of the long-term relationship. I think the holy hope, believe it or not, of our long-term romantic partnerships is to show us precisely where we still hurt. Where we hurt has been where we have hurt since childhood. Why? But like, most fundamentally, the brain is moving us through our life. I mentioned patterns. But it's even more fundamentally than just any type of pattern. It's moving us through our life based on emotional patterns. What does an emotional pattern sound like? It sounds like some – I'll give you a couple examples. "I never get what I want. I never get what I want. I never get what I want" or "No one will help me. No one will help me. No one will help me" or "People don't listen to me. People don't listen to me." So then, what happens invariably, there's always two relationships that there are tremendous similarity. That of our parents, and that of our partner. In other words, how we were parented, that plays out always in the long-term romantic relationship. So if I feel from my childhood, I'm still carrying these wounds, I just feel like people don't hear me. When I try to communicate my distress to my parents, they're too busy, they work too much, they have their own mental health issues, there's too many kids in the house. I mean, there could be a million good reasons. But nonetheless, I, as a four-year-old have this feeling that I'm not heard. I promise that plays out in the long-term romantic relationship. I know how excruciating long-term romantic relationships can be. I'm not being funny; they really can be devastating. Well, I think a lot of us think, "Let me get out of this and let me try to partner again." But there's an interesting, you mentioned statistics at the beginning of our conversation, there's other really interesting statistics. Second marriages fail more than first marriages. And third marriages fail more than all of them. If this doesn't make logical sense, in other words, the more I try to do something, the better I should get at it. Ride a bike for two years instead of one year, and three years instead of one year. My bike riding skills should get better. They don't. Why? It's because until we address the underlying childhood injuries, they continue to play out. Now, of course, and I think this goes without saying, but you'll humor me. Plenty of us are in abusive relationships where there's violence and there's abuse. I think there are relationships that are meant to be left. But I think for part of the, both the curse, and the blessing of the romantic relationship, is that it brings to the surface injuries. The greatest power of the long-term romantic relationship is in its potential. Meaning, my old injuries are going to get activated, am I now going to exacerbate them or am I going to heal them? [0:09:13] PF: As people are in that state, where the injuries have surfaced, it presents as turmoil within the relationship, it can present as discontent with your partner. One thing I see a lot of times when I'm feeling very discontented with my partner, and I sit down with myself, it's actually things I'm mad about with myself. That has nothing to do with what she's got going on. Because her actions have not changed, it's what's going on with me. I think that's probably pretty common too. [0:09:40] JD: It's very common. I think we all relate to that, and I think it's incredible that you're giving yourself that pause and that reflection, because I think when we're around people, and we feel bad, it's very natural. Like there's no shame, there's no weakness. It just seems like you were in my environment when I was having this bad feeling, you must be the source of it. Now, this is complex because our partners do legitimately do like, in other words, if your partner had a bad day, and they're being gruff with you, that hurts. But I think the work is so much around, what are the kinds of the pattern conclusions that I'm drawing? One of the things I would love to talk to you about, because I think it's so healing in relationships is when we get upset with our partners, when our relationships start to fall into distress, we draw all these conclusions. Again, like these patterns, "You don't really love me, you don't really care about me, you don't really validate me, you don't really desire me." I mean, we could go on and on. What I'm saying is, what we have to understand that never gets talked about is the emotional state of confusion, the emotion of confusion might be singularly the most difficult emotion for the brain to process. Let me explain this. If the brain is a pattern detector, going Apple, fill in the blank, the only emotion that works against the fundamental design of the brain is confusion. In other words, if I'm angry, the brain knows what to do about anger. If I'm sad, the brain can predict what to do about sadness. If I'm afraid, the brain can predict what to do about fear. But when I'm confused, it literally stops the pattern detection abilities, because the brain goes, "Apple, apple, apple. Well, what's next?" What happens is, because your brain is always fundamentally invested in survival, meaning, keeping you out of pain. This is a great paradox. Your brain will predict conclusions that actually make you feel bad. In other words, the brain says, "It's better that you're vigilant and defensive, rather than soft and connected." When my partner walks in, after a long day of work, and he doesn't greet me, it violates my expectation. I'm thinking, "Oh, I'm going to see him, we're going to talk, da, da, da." He walks in, kind of nods me, and walks upstairs. I initially had that, "Huh?" But the brain can't huh for long, it has to very quickly move that. Instead of interpreting that violation to the pattern is like, maybe he's tired, or let me give him 15 minutes, I start to stew. I don't know why he treats me like this. Does he think I didn't have a hard day? Why can't we ever connect? Before I know it, my whole marriage is on the rocks. But can you see that all of that actually started if we really dismantle it, and talk about the emotional math. All of it really began based on the energy of confusion. I just wrote a Book Energy Rising, and I talk extensively about this energy of confusion, or sometimes we call it unclarity or uncertainty. It's this energy of who do I become when I don't know. [0:12:55] PF: I think that is so important that you brought that up, because anybody who's in a relationship has seen this exact thing play out for them. I've got a friend who talks about when she and her husband disagree, she's in the next room. They've been married for 30 years, and she's in there figuring out like, "Okay. Well, how are we going to divide up the house?" It goes from fine this morning to like, "I'm going to file for divorce." We have talked about how ridiculous it is, but that's just what happens to her. It just sets off this little domino effect, and she's got herself signing papers by the end of the night. [0:13:28] JD: It's great that we can all laugh about this, but I just want to normalize. It's so normal, and the reason it's so normal really has to do with our neurobiology. [BREAK] [0:13:36] PF: Today, we're talking about your heart and brain. So how about if we add lungs to the conversation. If you're spending a lot of time indoors this winter, chances are you're breathing in polluted air. In fact, indoor air is up to five times more polluted than outdoor air. That's why I'm loving my new air purifier from AirDoctor. It filters out 99.99% of harmful contaminants so your lungs don't have to. AirDoctor has a wide range of purifiers, so you can get the size it's right for your space, and you can breathe easy with its 30-day money back guarantee. So if you're looking to eliminate allergens, pollen, pet dander, and even bacteria, and viruses from your home or office space, check out AirDoctor at airdoctorpro.com. If you use the promo code LIVE HAPPY, you'll get up to $300 off and get a free three-year warranty. That's airdoctorpro.com, and use the promo code Live Happy. Now, let's get back to my conversation with Dr. Julia, as she tells us how our brains respond to conflict with our partners. [INTERVIEW CONTINUES] [0:14:46] JD: The reason it's so normal really has to do with our neurobiology. In other words, it sometimes tickles me and sometimes frustrates me, like we pay more attention to the intelligent operating of our cell phones, and ChatGPT than we pay attention how to intelligently operate the most exquisite machine on the planet, which is our own brain and nervous system. Well, in order to intelligently engage with the nervous system in the brain, we've got to understand what it does. The brain is telling us, when it comes to confusion, when it comes to uncertainty, I do not like it. So if we want to powerfully engage in our lives, with our emotions, with our partners, we got to have reverence and say, "When I'm confused, let me really take a beat, and try to not make any interpretations. Because if I do not slow my roll, my interpretation will be, I need to file for divorce by 7pm this evening." [0:15:47] PF: Then, what happens too is your reaction then sets off everything that's going on with them. I mean, so say your husband has come in, he's already had a bad day, didn't act the way you wanted. Now, you're like a house on fire and attacking him. That's not what he was expected. He probably just wanted some alone time, and like, "Let me get this day out of my head" and now it's escalated. How do you create a practice both individually, and as a couple that went to identify when you're in that state of confusion, your brain is confused, and to take that pause, and step back, instead of letting all of this escalate? [0:16:25] JD: I think the most important piece, and again, I think this is what I mean when I say, like really have reverence for the machine. Far, far too many of us want to do the work when we're activated. They're saying to me, because I do a lot of work, I do a lot of couples coaching, couples therapy. They'll say, like, "When we start to get in a fight, how do we solve it?" Well, you know how when a toddler is in the middle of a meltdown, really, the only thing you can do is wait for the storm to pass. And in fact, for those of us –I have little kids, they're not toddlers anymore, but they're still little. It's like, if you try to engage when they're activated, and you can try to be the most soothing, be like, "What can I get you honey? Do you want to cookie and a warm blanket?" It's like, when people are activated, what has to happen is we've got to restore emotion regulation. In the moment, a lot of times, the best we can do is go for a walk, take a deep breath, blah, blah, blah, we've heard it a million times. The powerful transformative healing work comes in the questions we ask ourselves, and the actions we take when we are not activated. I have a responsibility to own my childhood injuries as I bring them to my marriage. There's a classic pattern that plays out in most relationships. There's sort of three attachment styles. The first is, securely attached. This is the idea that our parents had a great intelligence of how to attend to our emotions. They really nailed it, and I can simplify this considerably. They really nailed this complex dance between connection and autonomy. In other words, they really knew when to soothe me, and they really knew when to trust me. They really knew when to be around me and they really knew when to give me my freedom. The second is something called anxious. So anxious attachment is when my parents sometimes shown the great, glorious golden light upon me. But then, sometimes, they went cold. I as a little child could not figure out the pattern. A lot of times, this happened in household with addiction, where there's a lot of emotional volatility, there's a lot of moodiness. Sometimes my parents were telling me how great I was, and then sometimes, I really needed mom, or I really needed dad, and even though I tried my little four-year-old heart out, I couldn't get them. The third category is what we call avoidant, and I'm oversimplifying for the purpose of it. But avoidant is basically, my parents chronically, totally miss my emotional needs. I learned as a very small child that I am an island unto myself. I learned that relying on other people for my needs is totally dangerous. Now, all of us have some aspects of these in all of us. In other words, these are not clean categories. They're continuums of behavior. But it's a very classic dynamic to have an anxious person, a person who's more anxious, pair with a person who has a more avoided pattern. So you get in this classic approach, avoidance dance, where the anxious person is saying, "Please come closer to me. Are you mad at me? Can we talk about this? Let's be more intimate. Let's talk about this. I love you. Do you love me?" They're more asking for this like chronic kind of anxious anxiety. The energy of anxiety is propelling this like, affirm your attachment to me. The avoidant is more like, I am so overwhelmed by emotion. I am so overwhelmed by, I know, because I'm now an adult in an adult relationship that your needs are on some level my responsibility. We're in a partnership here. No one ever taught me how to even get my own needs met. Now, it's kind of a double whammy. I don't know how to meet my own needs. I sure as hell don't know how to meet yours. I run from the room screaming on fire. Well, as I run from the room, screaming on fire, the anxious goes, "No, don't leave me," and then chases after them. You get in this classic, anxious avoidant standoff. [0:20:36] PF: That's so interesting, because, first of all, I could see that being a great little cartoon visual. But that is, it's really common. What then do people do? Do you just have to recognize this as my pattern to start healing this, or how do you start breaking it down so that you can make it work? Because obviously, people got together for a reason. They've been together this long, for a reason? What is it that made that happen, and how do you get past these patterns to get back to what is real and genuine, which is the love and affection that you have for each other? [0:21:08] JD: Such a great question. I'll sort of answer like this. First of all, I think these are the biggest questions of our life. They're enormous. I like to simplify them from people, which doesn't necessarily mean they're easily. Not necessarily, they're not easy. But I think we can do a lot of simplification. When couples come to me, they are very clear on the pain being caused by the other. They'll sit on my couch, either virtually, or in real life. They will say, "He doesn't respect me." "No, she doesn't respect me. She doesn't listen to me. No, she doesn't listen to me. She doesn't love me. No, she doesn't love me." So I say, "This is very valid. When we feel like our partners aren't seeing us, loving us respecting us, I got it. Totally going to get to this. Let's just put a pin in it for one second, and I have a different question. Give me all the evidence. In other words, tell me all the ways that you profoundly respect yourself, that you profoundly love yourself, that you profoundly see yourself." I got to be honest with you, Paula, I almost never get an answer to that question.   [0:22:15] PF: Really?   [0:22:16] JD: In other words, people kind of look at me like, "Well, I'm not sure how that works." Now, pay attention here, because I think this is a really important piece. We're saying, because in our marriages, in our long-term relationships, we die a death oftentimes by a million paper cuts. Even when there's catastrophic betrayal trauma, people aren't having a great marriage on Tuesday, and then cheating on Wednesday. You see what I'm saying? There's this growing disconnect. Both of us need to assume radical responsibility for our relationship. If I look at my partner, and I say, "You don't wash the dishes." The conclusion I draw about you now washing the dishes is catastrophic. In other words, if you don't love me, you don't respect me. You don't listen to me. How could I then not have an equally discrete – because washing the dishes on Wednesday is a very discrete thing. How could I not then be able to identify an equally discrete thing for myself, and put that same amount of emotional loading on it? In other words, when I do leave the house and get a massage, I feel the same degree of anger, I feel the same degree of self-love. When I tell myself, I'm going to walk away from this conversation, I am profoundly listening to myself, and now I'm in a state of joy. I'm in a state of exuberance, like how much I respected myself. People will say, "Well, that's silly to tell me to go get a massage or hold my boundary. You don't understand how miserable it is that they're not washing the dishes?" Well, you're taking a discrete behavior, and you're putting a ton of emotional loading on, it's fine. We all do it. This is how we make meaning out of life. There's no problem there. What I'm saying the problem is twofold. Do I have any examples in my own camp? And if I don't, and if I believe that this pattern has been with me since childhood, years, and years, and years before I even met my partner, what is my own responsibility? Not responsibility like [inaudible 0:24:07]. What is my own profound ability to my own injuries? When I really see people taking radical, self-loving responsibility for the ways I have heard for decades, and decades, and decades, and decades, far beyond the marriage, for example, this is when you start to see radical healing in the couple. [0:24:29] PF: I love this because you're giving responsibility to both parties, and you're breaking it down. Each one has their own way that they're going to have to set out to resolve this. It's not like if he starts doing the dishes, then, "Hey, everything's good." It goes so much deeper. How do people start doing that? How do couples start doing that, and start deciding where they need to focus on individually to come together as a couple? [0:24:57] JD: Great question. I'll say like, all of Energy Rising has a ton of these examples, case studies, exercises. I'll give you one brief one here, but I just want people to know, there's a lot of material. I would go to myself and say, "What is my primary emotional pattern around my pain in this relationship?" I gave a lot of examples, "I'm not seen, I'm not heard, I'm not loved, I'm not listened to, I can't get what I want." I would listen to myself and be like, "Okay." Say, mine is, "I can't trust you." I would say, that's valid. I'm not saying that our partners don't have work to do. Of course, they do. I'm saying, but just for a moment, let me ask the question to myself. What are the ways I don't trust myself, and I would write down 10 examples. I didn't trust myself to stop working today at five o'clock. I felt like I had to overwork, but I really wanted to stop and go play with my kids. I told myself that I was going to get out of bed this morning and go to the gym, and I didn't. When I make those kinds of commitments to myself, and I go back on my own word, I give myself a lot of good reason not to trust myself. You see. I start to say, I want a lot of evidence, 10 examples of how I don't trust myself, and I start to clean it up there. I start to become – because what we're really saying to our partners is, I can't rely on you. Well, can I rely on myself? I think what we start to see in a lot of cases is, no. Now, we partner precisely for reinforcement. I get that. In other words, if we're all perfectly islands unto ourselves, then why would anyone need – but a lot of us are coming, and when I say a lot of us. I mean, a lot of us. I'm a child of a psychologist, so I come from a lineage. I've been watching this conversation for 40 years. There's been profound evolution. I feel incredibly hopeful. But we know more than our parents knew, and our parents knew more than their parents knew. A lot of us are now taking, I think, radical responsibility for our injuries. We're doing this, yes, for our partners. Yes, for our children, but also for ourselves.   [0:26:58] PF: Absolutely.   [0:26:59] JD: We feel better in our own bodies, when we're not so on edge, when we're not so triggered. Here's the truth. If I feel like shit, my partner could be an angel. My partner is not an angel. Love him to death, but not an – let's imagine that we were married to a saint. I still got to go face the rest of the world. The people in traffic are still pissing me off. The people on social media are still making me angry. The people in my job – you see what I'm saying? [0:27:24] PF: Yes. You still have all these external factors that are going to trigger you, and then, you get to go home and take it out on your spouse. [0:27:31] JD: Yes. Yes. The holy hallucination, called the holy hallucination is that our partners are going to rescue us from our own nervous systems. There's no human being on the planet that can come into your nervous system, and ding, ding, ching, ching, ching, ching, chong, ching. It doesn't go like that. This is really a radical conversation. When I talk about power, Energy Rising is a lot about emotional pain and emotional power. I'm not talking about power, like lording over people, like my way or the highway. I'm talking about this beautiful life-giving wholeness, this profound courage, this profound resilience, this profound relationship with myself. Do you see when we give that to ourselves, we become the most magnetic thing on the planet? We change our frequency as a partner, as a spouse, as a lover, as a parent, and we feel great about it. A lot of us are out there being totally codependent, working ourselves to an absolute pope, "serving" other people and feeling like absolute shit about it. It doesn't have to be that way. [0:28:37] PF: I think there's so much that you can teach us. Obviously, it's not just our romantic relationships, this changes every relationship that we have. I think the work that you're doing is really incredible. As I said, we just have so much to learn from you. As I let you go, what is the one thing, the one thing that you want couples in particular, no matter where they're at in their relationship, what do you want them to keep in mind as we enter Valentine's season and go through this time? [0:29:05] JD: Like so many things going through my head. I think I'm going to say this. It's a big thing to metabolize, and it's really the reason. I've been asked to do kind of other public-facing projects, and I've always said no. I'm a Midwest academic, who likes to go to two parties a year and then spend the rest of the time alone in my office. The reason I agreed to write Energy Rising is, I feel like the work of my life, I was put on this planet to give this message. That all of those horrible feelings, it's so easy to feel. Anxiety, fear, frustration, rejection, humiliation, and all of them. They are not here to torment you. They are here to lead you home. Those feelings are telling you is they're calling you into your next level of power. The reality of our life is there is no way to have more connection with other until we come into a new relationship with the energy of rejection. If I can't hold the possibility of rejection in my nervous system, I will never have real intimacy. All of us want more self-confidence. The only way I negotiate more self-confidence is by coming into a more expansive relationship with doubt. Do you see, there are opposite sides of the same coin? The more I face my own doubt, the more confident I become. The more I say, "Am I really being rejected here?" As I contemplate it, it doesn't feel great. But then, I start to see very quickly, I get relief and say, "Oh, no. It's okay that he's not available for me tonight." I don't have to come up with this horrific thesis nightmare about how like, I'm alone in the world, and I'm going to destroy my family. It doesn't have to be that way, but we need a more intelligent relationship with the feelings we don't want to feel. [0:30:49] PF: Excellent. Fortunately, your book is a great primer for how we start feeling those feelings and get in touch with ourselves. Dr. Julia, the work you're doing, like I said, is just amazing. I so appreciate you taking this time out of your busy schedule, and sitting down, and talking with me about it. [0:31:05] JD: I so thank you for having me, Paula. Thank you again. [END OF EPISODE] [0:31:12] PF: That was Dr. Julia DiGangi, talking about how to make the most of our relationships. To learn more about Dr. Julia, find her book, follow her on social media, or watch her fabulous TED Talk. Visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. Speaking of love, we would love to hear how we're doing. Please leave your comments and ratings wherever you download your podcast and let us know what you think. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Building Love with Maria Baltazzi [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:03] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 453 of Live Happy Now. As we approach February, our minds turn to love. For the next few weeks, we're going to talk about that many ways love shows up in our lives and how we can create more of it. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and today, I'm talking with Maria Baltazzi. In her book, Take a Shot at Happiness, Maria outlines eight happiness essentials and not surprisingly, one of them is love. Today, she's here to talk about some of the different types of love we may be overlooking and what practices we can use to build more love into our lives. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [0:00:42] PF: Maria, it is so wonderful to have you back on Live Happy Now. [0:00:46] MB: Thank you for having me back. I'm so excited to have another conversation with you. [0:00:52] PF: As we're getting ready to go into February, we have a lot of conversations around the topic of love around your heart, because February is also heart month and everything becomes heart centered and all about love. In your book, Take a Shot at Happiness, where you map out the happiness essentials, your number two happiness essential is love. That makes you the perfect person to sit down and set up the month that we're walking into and talk about love. My very first question, as we talk about love, what are we talking about? Being loved, loving others, in terms of it being a happiness essential? [0:01:30] MB: Yes. All of it. [0:01:32] PF: All the above. [0:01:32] MB: All of the above, because it all factors in. I think that you start with self-love. When I talk about self-love, I don't mean the selfies, narcissistic tendencies that we have taken on in the social media world. I mean, self-love in terms of respecting yourself and caring for yourself. There's so much research that supports the importance of self-care. When you think about the analogy, and you probably have heard this, but it's a good one, when you are on an airplane and the steward says, “In the invent of an emergency, an oxygen mask will drop down. Put it on yourself first before helping others.” That's what self-care is. It's putting on your oxygen mask first, so you can show up better for others. [0:02:39] PF: Do you think that self-love is the platform that we start building with to create strong other types of love? [0:02:48] MB: I think so. I think when you have a good relationship with yourself, when you have a good understanding of yourself, that enables you to then extend that out to others. There's that Jerry McGuire line that's so famous when he says to Renée Zellweger, “You complete me.” No. No. [0:03:15] PF: That's not how it works. [0:03:16] MB: No. You complete yourself. You complete yourself first, so then when you are in relationship, whether it's romantically, with your children, with your friends, they’re complements. They're not completing you. They're not defining you. You do that for yourself. You can enter into relationships in a way that is strong and healthy and not needy. We've all been in those icky relationships, where people just cling on to you so much. They need you for everything and well, it's, one, it’s exhausting on you as a human when you are in good relationship with yourself. You are better able to be in good relationship with someone else, whatever that relationship, because you have the know-how. You understand what it is to be in good relationship. You're not looking for somebody else to tell you how to be in a good relationship. You're not looking for somebody else to define you, because you are in a particular relationship. I think it's really important that you love yourself first, so you can show up stronger for the relationships that you're in, whatever kind of relationship they are. [0:04:49] PF: You really do talk about that. You have to explore, nurture, love in all forms. I mean, from yourself to your family, to friends, to co-workers, to pets, there's so many different forms of love that we need to be more attentive to. [0:05:07] MB: Well, and some of those love relationships aren't necessarily healthy ones. [0:05:13] PF: True. [0:05:15] MB: That's something else to identify. You may have a love relationship, but it is so unhealthy for you, and to recognize it and get out of it. That is across the board. It's not just unhealthy romantic relationships. They could be unhealthy friendships. Going back to that idea of being in those clingy relationships, or those toxic relationships, where people are telling you how you should be, or what you should be doing. They're imposing their limiting beliefs on you and you're buying into it. That's not good. [0:05:59] PF: Yeah. It's something a lot of people end up doing and we feel stuck in the, because they're a friend, because they're a family, because, because, because we cannot change that, or we can't get ourselves out of that. What are some practices that you found first for identifying whether a relationship is good for you or not? Then secondly, if you identify it, it's not healthy for you, then how do you start really, because you have to change yourself as well to get out of that relationship. [0:06:29] MB: Well, it always begins with awareness, followed by choice, followed by action. [0:06:36] PF: Like, awareness, choice, action. [0:06:38] MB: Right. [0:06:39] PF: All right. [0:06:40] MB: Right. That's your baseline. Some of these relationships are difficult to let go of. They’re family members. They’re longtime relationships. They’re work relationships. Then these are sticky, difficult relationships to navigate around. The first thing is you're recognizing when a relationship isn't good for you in that, how are you feeling? How do you feel when you are around this person? How do you feel when you think about this person? How do you anticipate seeing them, or their departure? Maybe it might be written in something that you left. Having that understanding of how do you feel towards a particular person? That should be your cue. Once you identify that there is a relationship that doesn't make you feel good, then you need to consider, how meaningful is that relationship to you? Do you really want them in your life? You have to look at why you want them in your life, because you might be attached to somebody out of habit. You are with somebody who's toxic, but you don't let go of them, because it's familiar and it's too scary to let go of what is familiar. You're afraid of being alone. You find this in abuse of relationships, where the person won't let go of the abuser, because of what I just said, they're afraid to be alone. They're afraid, “Well, I might not find somebody. I'm dependent on them financially.” I mean, all of those things, you really need to get a grip on. Is that worth the price tag that you're paying for an unhealthy relationship? Then, there are those relationships that it's just very easy to cut off and say, “See you later,” and you don't worry about it. Then, there are those other relationships and they tend to be work related, or family related, where the advice is to minimize time. How can you spend the least amount of time that is going to impact you? Also, identify what are the conversations to stay away from? What are the situations to stay away from? Learning the art of redirecting the conversation. If somebody is a big complainer, or they're talking about something politically that you don't agree with, or something in religion, those tend to be hot topics. Learn to just redirect the conversation. I do this all the time with complainers. I will do a non-sequitur to something completely different that's positive and their brain just switches. They don't even realize that I've just redirected the conversation. Just change the subject. [0:10:07] PF: Your book is so great, because it's very interactive. It has these exercises that you can do. One thing I wanted you to talk about is you have this great exercise for bringing more love into your life, and that's through journaling. Can you talk about how people can do that and then what it does for us? [0:10:24] MB: Well, journaling, throughout my book, I offer in each chapter prompts, and there's now an app that's available in the Apple App Store, and soon coming to Android, where all of my book activities are on a companion app. You can be working on your well-being wherever you are. The reason that I have both the photography, the camera phone prompts and the journaling prompts is you were reading about love. You're reading about different concepts about happiness. In particular, we're talking about love here. It takes these ideas that are more intellectual, more cerebral ideas. And by having you take photos and then journal about them, it takes these head ideas and makes them heard ideas. You take these photo images of things that you're prompted in my book to take images of what love means to you. You begin to understand beyond the concepts that you're reading about. How is this specific to you? How does love really factor into your happiness framework? When we think, we think in images. Our images create story loops. One of the things that taking photographs and especially taking photographs about love is you are retraining your brain to look for the good, the good things that make you feel good, that feel loving to you, that feel nurturing to you. You have the experience of actually taking the photograph, which I find is very meditative, because you're just focusing on one image and everything else falls away. Then you have the experience later of when you look at that image, remembering what that experience was, how good it felt to you. Then you may see something in that image that you didn't realize at the time of taking it. Now, you have another level of meaning. Then you're building a storehouse of love images that you can call upon at a later time. You're creating a positive neural pathway towards the good love, not the bad love. The love that makes you feel good. Then the journaling part of it is journaling helps you process. It takes that blob of ideas that you have. Some of it may be fear-based, or you feel anxious around and you start writing. It starts to clarify and organize your thoughts into a way that is constructive and meaningful to you. [0:13:39] PF: That's great. Your exercises are so clear. They're simple, but profound. They're easy to do, but they can also take you very deep. I love that. We've actually worked with you to create an email series, so that people can sign up and get one basic little assignment and story a day with an affirmation and will tell people how to do that at the end of the podcast. It's really a wonderful walk through these exercises of creating more love and really connecting with yourself on a deeper level. I love that you close out this particular chapter with the loving kindness meditation. That happens to be my favorite kind of meditation. Tell us what that is and what effect it has on us. [0:14:24] MB: Loving kindness is a meditation, if you are starting mindfulness, if you are in the Buddhist tradition, loving kindness is a well-known practice there. It is teaching you both self-love and for love outside of yourself, love for others. Ultimately, you are expanding that circle. You're going from self-love to love around you, to love maybe in your neighborhood, maybe in your city, maybe in your country, maybe in the world. You're expanding it. You are opening your heart beyond just yourself in a way that's intentional and conscious. There are different ways that you can do loving kindness. Some people have a hard time directing that loving kindness towards themselves. It's almost easier to first start with someone that they know loves them. Then you're sending out good wishes. It’s, may you be happy, may you be healthy. You're sending those kinds of messages out. As you are saying that out to the other person, then you turn it back into you. May I be happy? May I be healthy? Then you go on to something that's a little bit more difficult. Maybe there's somebody that is annoying you. I mean, you like them, you want them in your life, but they're just troubling you. You call that person to mind. May you be happy. May you be healthy. Then you turn it again back to you. Then you progress to also, more difficult people. It's a way to increase your love for yourself, those around you, and for difficult people. [0:16:38] PF: For me, that's been the biggest thing is being able to say that for people who are a challenge. [0:16:46] MB: Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. Because ultimately, what you're realizing in loving kindness, we all want the same things. Now, I might not like you. You may be annoying me, but you're a human being. You want to be happy. You want to be loved. You want to be healthy, just like me. That's what loving kindness, that's what that meditation is all about. [0:17:11] PF: What happens to us when we start inviting more love into our lives and consciously making practices to do that? [0:17:22] MB: I feel like, you become softer in a good way. I feel from, and I am saying this from my experience, when I started paying more attention to being loving, is that it physically in my body, I didn't feel so rigid. I didn't feel that contraction. As I brought in more and more love, I actually felt the lightness, an expanding of just how I felt inside of my body. No, I didn't feel that constriction. Then I feel that it also makes you more accepting. You're not as judgmental. You're more open. I think it also leads to being more grateful and it needs to be more loving, which are the subsequent – beyond love of the happiness essentials that I talk about in my book. After love, when you love yourself enough, you love yourself to take care of yourself. You're taking care of your health and mind, body, and spirit. Then that's giving way to be more grateful. Then that love also opens you up to being more forgiving. I think a lot of beautiful things come out of love. [0:18:46] PF: That is true. It's a very important thing. We treat it too lightly, I think, especially in February, I've become so commercialized. Yeah, this is a great time to delve into it. I appreciate you sitting down and talking with me. As I said, we're going to tell people how to sign up for your email course, so that they can learn about bringing more love into their lives. [0:19:05] MB: Well, thank you for having me. [END OF INTERVIEW] [0:19:11] PF: That was Maria Baltazzi talking about how to build more love into your life. Be sure and visit us at livehappy.com to sign up for building love, a free one-week email series with Maria's daily practices for increasing love in your life. I will also tell you how to find her book, follow her on social media, or sign up for the weekly Live Happy newsletter. Again, visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. Speaking of love, we would love to hear how we're doing. Please leave us your comments and ratings wherever you download your podcast and let us know what you think. That's all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Launch Your Awakening Adventure With Steve Taylor [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:03] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 452 of Live Happy Now. Throughout the month of January, we've been sharing practices that can help you create habits to increase your wellbeing. Now, it's time for an adventure. I'm your host, Paula Felps. Today, I'm talking with Steve Taylor, a best-selling author and senior lecturer at Leeds Beckett University in England. Steve has devoted his life to investigating spiritual awakenings, both for himself and for others. In his new book, The Adventure, Steve provides a roadmap to walk us all through the practices he's found most useful for helping us embark on our own awakening journey. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW]   [0:00:45] PF: Steve, welcome to Live Happy Now. [0:00:47] ST: Hi, Paula. Great to be with you. [0:00:48] PF: I'm so excited to talk with you. All throughout the month of January, we've been talking about new practices, things that people can do to really start a new year off with change. We make resolutions, but those may or may not mean anything in February and after that. So what we're really talking about is practices that we can adopt and adapt into our lives. So your book, boy, when you talk about an awakening that is just so incredible. Tell us a little bit about what you mean when you talk about spiritual awakening. [0:01:22] ST: Awakening means really expansion, it's like an expansion of awareness, an expansion of potential, an expansion of our inner being. It's also about connection, it's about connecting to more deeply to ourselves, connecting more deeply to other people, and connecting more deeply to the world. Yes, the world in general. [0:01:42] PF: Yes. What kind of change does it make when we connect more deeply with ourselves? How does that connect us then with other people? [0:01:50] ST: It brings a sense of wellbeing, because most of the time, we live at the surface of our minds, we live at the level of thought, and our identity, our normal sense of identity is derived from our thoughts. Because our thoughts are so restless, because our thoughts often tend towards negativity, worrying about the future, feeling guilty, or angry about the past. If you leave at there before, it causes discord, it often leads to unhappiness. But when you expand your sense of identity, then you dive below the level of thoughts into your deeper being. It's like a diver, diving from the surface of the ocean, into the depths of the ocean. When you dive into the depths below the surface of your mind, you find that there is a natural harmony there, it just seems to be the nature of our deep being. It just seems to exist in a natural state of contentment and ease. Of course, when you do that, you also free yourself from the worries of the mind, the restlessness of the mind, you find a stillness. At that point too, you also find it easier to connect with other people. Because when our minds are filled with thought chatter, it creates a sense of separation. Thoughts, they enclose is within our own identity. So as soon as we go beyond thoughts, into our deeper beings, our being opens up, and we find it easier to empathize with others, we find that we are naturally more altruistic to others, because we feel more connected to them. [0:03:22] PF: That's incredible. I'll also point out, that what you talked about, like the story of diving into an ocean, that's also – you've got a great meditation that you start the book out with, that is exactly that. Like diving below the turmoil of the surface of the ocean and getting down underneath. I've got to say, I've been using that, and it's a really effective meditation.   [0:03:41] ST: So good.   [0:03:42] PF: Absolutely encourage anybody to check out the book, and learn that meditation, because it is really effective, and it's very peaceful. [0:03:49] ST: Oh, brilliant. Yes, I'm glad. I'm glad. [0:03:52] PF: So your book is called The Adventure. You say that awakening is the greatest adventure that we can undertake as human beings. Can you explain why that is? [0:04:02] ST: It's natural for us. I think we are meant to awaken in our lives. We're not meant to be enclosed. We're not meant to live within these restless minds, within this discord. That's not really a normal – well, it's a normal state, because it's the state we experience most of the time. But I don't think it's our natural state. I think it is our natural state to live in wellbeing, to live in a more expensive, and more connected way, and it feels right. One of the great things about awakening is, once you begin the journey, it has its own momentum, and you reap benefits almost straightaway. You feel an increasing sense of stillness, and ease, and harmony in your life. It's kind of self-perpetuating that wellbeing, that harmony propels you, gives you further motivation to continue. It seems so natural to grow. I think as human beings, we're meant to grow. We're meant to expand, just like all living beings grow in some form, physically, at least. But I think, human beings, we don't just grow physically, we grow psychologically, and spiritually as well. When we do that, it just feels so right and so natural. It feels like exactly what we're meant to do. [0:05:08] PF: This comes out at an interesting time, because there is a lot of turmoil. There's a lot of concern about what is going on. So it seems like if there was ever a time when we needed this awakening, it would be now. Can you talk about the need for a collective spiritual awakening? [0:05:26] ST: As you say, we are living through a time of great turmoil. I think in a way, that's always been the case. Human societies have always been full of conflict, and full of oppression. Human beings have, throughout recorded history, we've fought wars against each other. So there's always been conflict, and chaos, and discord. But now, because of the technology of the modern world, and the interconnectedness of the modern world, it seems to be more intense than ever. It's happening on a massive global scale. I think all of the problems we face in the world are the direct result of what I call our normal sleep state, they are the direct result of our normal, constricted, discordant minds. But when we open up, when we expand our awareness, once we begin to feel some sense of inner harmony, then everything changes, our own behavior changes, our relationship to others changes. We become much more altruistic rather than materialistic and selfish. We promote harmony in everything we do. Once you have a large number of people living in that way, the whole of society changes. If a large enough number of people did begin to live in that way, then the whole world would change, the world would shift from this state of discord into a mode of harmony, a mode of cooperation, rather than competition. We will treat nature as being sacred and spiritual, rather than exploiting nature. We will treat each other with respect rather than exploiting and mistrusting each other. The whole world would change. I do think that a collective awakening is the most urgent need of our time. [0:07:05] PF: The world that you've described sounds very appealing, very much where we want to live. How do we as individuals, if we're going on this individual, spiritual awakening, how do we help that create a collective spiritual awakening? [0:07:20] ST: It happens naturally to some degree, because as I say, once we undergo our own personal shift, it changes our behavior. But we also have a kind of – you've probably noticed it, if you've met people who are naturally content, who are naturally altruistic, those people probably are people who have had a spiritual awakening. Then, these people have a kind of radiance about them. They change the mood around them. You walk into a room with one of these people in it. You can sense the contentment around them. It just in the same way, as you walk into a room with a very aggressive or angry person, you can sense the mood around them. It changes in terms of how we behave, and it changes in terms of the aura or the atmosphere that we generate around us. It is kind of self-perpetuating. The more people who generate some degree of awakening within themselves, the greater the momentum of wakefulness will – ultimately, maybe it will reach a threshold where it becomes human beings normal state. [0:08:18] PF: I would love to see that happen. You really do walk us through how to reach this state of wakefulness. Eight of the things that you begin with, you talk about the qualities of wakefulness. Do you mind going over those a little bit, explain what wakefulness means, and why those qualities are so important? [0:08:34] ST: Great. Yes. Yes. I'd love to do that. Wakefulness is, you could define it very simply as an expansion of identity with a sense of connectedness on many different levels. I have a part time role as a psychologist. I've been a psychologist for many years, and I specialize in investigating cases of spiritual awakening in people. I've also been undergoing my own personal journey of awakening since I was a teenager. That's quite a long time now. Basically, in my own experience, and in my research, I've identified eight essential qualities, which all awakened people demonstrate and which naturally arise through the process of awakening. First one is disidentification. That means a bit like I described earlier. That's when we step outside the thought mind and realize that we are not our thoughts. Then, we have gratitude, which means developing an all-encompassing sense of appreciation for everything and everyone in our lives, including life itself. Then, third characteristic is presence, which basically means living in the moment, being aware of our experience, and our surroundings, rather than living in the future, or the past, or within our own thoughts. Then, altruism, giving to the world, which incorporates things like empathy, connectedness, being compassionate towards others, being generous, and kind to other human beings. Every spiritual tradition in the world, or every religious tradition emphasizes the importance of kindness and altruism. But altruism is also a spiritual quality in itself, it's a spiritual practice in itself. The fifth quality is acceptance, which means, simply not resisting the reality of our lives, not resisting the reality of our predicament in life or our situations in life. Then, we move on to integration with the body. That's important because there's a slight tendency in some spiritual traditions, certainly some religious traditions to denigrate the body, to see the body as an enemy, or even to suggest that the body is not really real. It's a kind of illusory thing. But it's very important to gain a sense of harmony with the body, and to realize that the body is sacred and spiritual in itself. Then, there is detachment. That simply means not being dependent on external things for your identity and wellbeing. Finally, the eighth quality is embracing mortality, which means being aware of our own mortality, accepting our own mortality, and living in harmony with the fact of our own mortality. [0:11:27] PF: Now, with those qualities, are those things that you need to learn and experience in the order that they're presented in the book and in the order that you just presented now? [0:11:37] ST: No, that's not really the case. There was one exception, which is disidentification from the ego. That is kind of the gateway to spiritual awakening. You can't undergo spiritual awakening unless you go through that stage of disidentifying with your thought mind. Once you've done that, then any of the other seven characteristics can be practiced in any order. They're not reliant, it may depend on your personality. Certain characteristics may be more important for you to develop. You may already have developed certain characteristics to some extent. So it will vary from person to person/ [0:12:13] PF: The ability to walk away from our thought mind for that disidentification is, it seems very difficult, because we are all wrapped up in our thoughts every minute of the day.   [0:12:26] ST: Yes, that's true.   [0:12:27] PF: Can you talk about that a little bit? That seems like an ambitious and very big first step talk, but you make it pretty simple in the book. Can you talk about that, like how people go about doing that, taking that first step on the journey? [0:12:41] ST: You're right, it is the first most important step. It may seem difficult, but if you think about it, there are lots of times in our lives when we step beyond the thought mind. They're usually the times when we are happiest. For example, when you get absorbed in an enjoyable activity, if you're playing music, or engaged in a creative activity, or even when you're socializing with friends, or even reading a really enthralling book, or watching a really enthralling film, you stop thinking. You step outside your thought mind. An hour or two may pass by, and then the activity, or the play, or the film is over, and you think, "Oh, here I am again. It's me. I can start thinking again." But you know that you've been in a state of wellbeing during those moments. Also, for example, if you walk in the countryside, you feel a sense of wellbeing, you feel a sense of inner calm, you feel connected to your beautiful surroundings. That's because your mind has become quiet, maybe your brain isn't completely empty, but you're thinking less. There are also certain moments when we don't like what we're thinking. We become aware of ourselves thinking silly thought, and we say to ourselves, "Don't be so ridiculous." You think about a job interview or something, and think, "Oh, no. I'm going to make a mess of it. It's going to be terrible." Then you think, "No, don't be ridiculous. It's going to be fine." We do it from time to time. That is an example of disidentifying with your thought mind. It is also the basic aim of meditation is to disidentify with your thought mind, or meditation practices teaches to do that. It's a question of, slowly developing an ability that we already have, and cultivating it over maybe a few weeks, maybe even a few months, so that it becomes stronger. [0:14:27] PF: It's not something that is going to happen overnight, that part. It's going to take some practice. [0:14:32] ST: Yes, you can certainly glimpse it. We all glimpse it from time to time, anyway. Maybe, once you glimpse it for the first time, then you realize, "Ah, I am not my thoughts. There is something else beyond or beneath my thoughts. That's a really important moment, that moment of realization encourages you to cultivate the state. It will usually take a few weeks or a few months for it to become stronger for it to pick up momentum. [0:14:57] PF: So as someone goes through this book, do you recommend that they read the entire book, or do they say like, "Do you have guidelines? So we know going into it." I love how you present that. If you're going to go on a journey, you need a map, because you need to know where you're going, and what to expect, how to dress for this trip. You do a great job of setting that up. Then, we get into that journey. Do we need to say, take that first chapter on disidentification, and just stay with that until we feel we've mastered that? Or do we read the entire book, and then come back, and do the practices? How do you see that working for people? [0:15:33] ST: I'd like people to be flexible. As I said before, there are certain characteristics which are maybe more important to some people. Some people will know that they need to work on one particular characteristic, so they can turn to that chapter straightaway. The chapters don't necessarily need to be read sequentially, although all of the eight qualities are important. A think they're all equally important. They do all need to be cultivated. But you know, people should be flexible. It never really works. When you're too prescriptive to people, when you say to them, do this, stick to the plan, you got to allow for some flexibility, and some variations in people's personalities. [0:16:09] PF: I love it. Here at Live Happy, we talk about gratitude a lot. That is one of the qualities, and the subtitle of that chapter is overcoming the taking for granted syndrome. Can you talk about what the taking for granted syndrome is, and then tell us how we overcome it? [0:16:25] ST: In my view, the taking for granted syndrome is probably the biggest single issue with human beings, the biggest single thing that stops us attaining happiness. It's basically the human tendency to take things for granted. It's so easy for us to take things for granted. Sometimes when some of that is taken away from us, we realize how valuable it is. For example, is your health. If your health becomes endangered, if you have a serious illness or an accident, you become aware of how valuable and how wonderful your body is, and how miraculous the body is. But then, your body heals again, and you start to forget it again. You fall under the sway of the taking for granted syndrome. It's the same with people. You may fall in love with a person, and they're the most wonderful person in the world for a few months, and your life is much better with them, you feel happy, you feel harmony in your life. But after a certain amount of time, you start to take them for granted, and they don't bring you as much happiness and your life is not so different the way it was before. That happens in all areas of our lives. It happens with life itself. One of the things that happens when people are close to death, in some way, if they have an accident or a life-threatening illness, they realize how miraculous, and how fragile, and how beautiful life itself is. They realize what an amazing gift it is to be alive, just to be alive. Doesn't matter what's happening in your life, just life itself. But again, we tend to switch off to that. One of the special characteristics of spiritually awakened people is that they're not affected by the taking for granted syndrome. They are always in a state of appreciation. They always, to some degree, they always appreciate the value of their health, the people in their lives, their freedom, and prosperity, and life itself. But yes, it's a process. It's a journey to transcend the taken for granted syndrome, but it can be done. I developed exercises over a number of years, all of the exercises in the book, we've been kind of road tested at workshops over a number of years. They all are effective, and that applies to the gratitude exercises too. [0:18:32] PF: Another thing that you talk about, it's near the end of the book, and I think this is so important. You talk about embracing our mortality. This is a two-part question, because first, I want to know how we do that, because it's difficult. We don't really want to think about that a lot. Then secondly, how does embracing our mortality help us become more awakened? [0:18:50] ST: It can be difficult. I mean, in psychology, there are three basic attitudes to death. This is sometimes called the three A's. One of them is avoidance, when we don't think about our death, or our mortality. The second one is anxiety, when we do think about it occasionally, but when we feel uneasy. The third one is acceptance, which is when we do contemplate our death, and we accept the fact that we're going to die, and we live life in the light of that. The only attitude which brings any well-being is acceptance. The other two, if you avoid thinking about mortality, or if you feel anxious about it, obviously, that leads to discomfort. Many human beings do live with those two attitudes to death with an avoidance or anxiety. But when we do contemplate death seriously, when we face it in a direct way, and we really acknowledged the fact that death is real, then we move beyond the anxiety. We actually begin to sense the value of life, and we begin to sense the preciousness of all of the things in our lives, and the preciousness of the world the precious beauty of the world. That's one way in which being aware of death brings wellbeing. It takes us beyond the taking for granted syndrome. It's a really good way of transcending the taking for granted syndrome. Another thing is that death gives us motivation, the fact that life is temporary. It gives us motivation to fulfill our ambitions, no longer to procrastinate. It makes us aware that we only have a limited amount of time. Life is fragile, and temporary. It also makes us more present, and it helps us to let go of attachments. Because being aware of mortality makes us aware that possessions are not important. The old saying, you can't take it with you. But possessions are meaningless, because sooner or later, they're going to be taken away from us. To some extent, even achievements, and even successes can be considered meaningless because it's going to be taken away. But what's really important, and what's real, is being here now in this present moment. So death helps us to be aware of that. [0:21:07] PF: You've given us so many ways to awaken. You've given us so many practices, and you also have an online course that that people can take. What is it that you really hope to accomplish with this book? It's not your first book, you've written several bestsellers. What is it about this one that you really hope every reader takes away from? [0:21:27] ST: This book is quite special to me, because it's my first really practical book. I've written a few books in the mode of psychologists, analyzing, and describing people's experiences, even described my own experiences. But this is the first book where I offer a guidebook, or a handbook of spiritual awakening. On the one hand, I hope that people realize that awakening or enlightenment is not something unattainable or inaccessible. Some people think that it's only monks or mystics, or people who've been meditating for decades who can become awakened. It's open to all of us. It's our most natural, authentic state, so it's in us already. It's really just a question of uncovering what's already in us. So I hope people realize that it's accessible. Although, you have to apply yourself, you have to stick to certain practices, you have to have a certain degree of discipline, and motivation. But it's not difficult, once you get started as I said before, it has its own momentum. It becomes self-perpetuating. In some ways, it becomes easier as you do it, that the path of awakening has its own momentum that carries you towards the goal. But ultimately, even beyond that, I want to promote harmony. Because as I mentioned earlier, I do believe that the world is in such a chaotic, such a state of suffering, because of our normal, limited sleep awareness. I think, really, the only way in which we can begin to live in harmony on this planet is for more people to move towards awakening. [0:22:59] PF: I would agree with you and you've given us a great roadmap to do that. I thank you for writing it, and I thank you for coming on the show and talking about it. [0:23:08] ST: Thank you, Paula. It's been really enjoyable. [END OF EPISODE] [0:23:14] PF: That was Steve Taylor talking about how to begin your own spiritual awakening. To learn more about Steve and his book, The Adventurer: A Practical Guide to Spiritual Awakening, or follow him on social media or visit his website. Just go to livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: The 3-Minute Meditation with Richard Dixey [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:03] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 451 of Live Happy Now. As we venture a little farther into the new year, that's a good time to pause, take a breath, and if you have three minutes, maybe even learn to meditate. I'm your host, Paula Felps. Today, I'm talking with Richard Dixey, a research scientist and lifelong student of Buddhism. Since 2007, he has devoted his life to teaching meditation, and his new book, Three Minutes a Day, is designed to teach readers how to change their lives with simple meditation practices that truly do take just three minutes a day. Be sure to stay tuned after my conversation with Richard to learn about a brand-new podcast called Built to Win, that's brought to you by Live Happy's sister company, Neora. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [0:00:50] PF: Richard, thank you so much for coming on Live Happy Now. [0:00:53] RD: I'm glad to be here. [0:00:54] PF: I wanted to talk to you right at the beginning of the year, because this is a time of year when people are adapting to new habits. They're saying, “Okay, I'm going to do it better than I did last year.” Meditation is something that people often want to do, and they're like, “Oh, it's just too hard. I don't have time.” Then you come along with this terrific book that says, we can do it in three minutes a day. First of all, what led you to discover this different way of meditating that we don't have to sit cross-legged for 30 minutes at a time? [0:01:28] RD: Actually, this is not so new. There are traditions amongst the Asian wisdom traditions in which this comes, which stress very short and often, they always say, because the whole trouble with meditation is making it fresh. If you say for half an hour, I suspect the 28 minutes, we'll be sleeping. You're only going to get two or three minutes before it's turned into a blank slate of one form or another. It's innovative to put it in a Western format. But the idea of short sessions that are very focused is not new. [0:02:02] PF: You just made it accessible to us. [0:02:04] RD: I'm the dean at Dharma College in Berkeley, which is a school that's dedicated to revisioning the wisdom traditions. You know, these wisdom traditions are really amazing. These meditation traditions are two and a half thousand years old, and they are unbroken. Ther have been master-student, master-student, master-student for two and a half thousand years. There's a lot of accumulated experience, and they have something really important to offer us today, which is why I was very motivated to teach meditation. Then in teaching meditation, I was really amazed how quickly you could actually get the core point over. That's what really inspired me to say, okay, let's make a 14-week course, three minutes a day, really short focused to give people a real taste of what meditation is. [0:02:50] PF: Yeah. With three minutes a day, we're all like, “Okay. I can do that. I don't care how busy my life is. I can do three minutes a day.” That makes it very appealing, because we live in a society that's instant gratification. We got to have it now and we're on the go. You created this. It's really a step-by-step guide. We need to clarify. It's not a book that you're going to sit down and read all the way through and then come back and try to implement these practices. Do you want to talk a about the setup of it and how – [0:03:16] RD: Yeah. I do. I do. Actually, there's a couple of very interesting points here. Meditation is about our own experience. It's not about anything else. It's not information, as we normally understand it. You're not going to learn about meditation. You're going to address your own experience. Now, this is really quite a challenging undertaking, because our entire educational system takes our experience for granted and talks about the world. Well, the world is actually constructed from our experience. Our experience is like, it's a window that you look out of, or all of these sorts of ideas. It's all completely nonsense. We construct our experience, but we never look at how we construct it. This means that you need to introduce various, simple techniques to give you a little taste of what this construction is. Looking at this construction is meditation. Now, of course, it's a bit like saying, I'm going to tell you about chocolate. You say, okay it's a bit sweet, a bit sticky, it melts in your mouth. You'd have no idea what chocolate was. Give you a piece of chocolate. Oh, I know what chocolate is. It's like that. What I'm trying to do is give these really short, little pieces of experience, not information. The idea is you read this book –we have chapters about four or five pages of introduction, a short meditation experience, and then some Q&A. What I want people to do is to read that first chapter, do three minutes of that particular exercise and read the second chapter. If you do that, you'll build up an experience of meditation. Once you do, it totally alters how you see the world. Everything is different. [0:05:01] PF: Do you find that readers have a certain meditation that they gravitate toward? Like, they say, “Oh, I really like the candle meditation. This is my favorite. This is what works for me.” [0:05:11] RD: Yeah, yeah, yeah. People have favorites. The trick to meditation is this. We're really riled up the whole time, because we're reacting to the construct we call the world. That reactivity is very stressful. Now, the truth is that a lot of what we react to is actually made by us and projected as real. This is what people Google, though, because they know, if you get a little buzzwords, you can make people click. You can force them into reacting. Of course, we carry around these mobile phones the whole time, which are literally doing this to us. The first thing to learn is how to become calm in the face of a rising experience. This is the first thing to learn. This is called Shamatha. Until we learn to become calm in the face of a rising experience, we really have no chance of seeing how the world is made. The first section of this book is all about looking at particular meditation objects, which are things you can concentrate on and learning to become calm. Now, becoming calm is not becoming all free. Becoming calm is engaging with that instantly, reacting with an opinion, or some like or dislike, or an aversion, or whatever it else it might be. Learning to engage without reactivity. If you can develop that foundation, which you can develop relatively quickly, they're on the basis of that foundation. You can start to look. You can look at thoughts, how the thoughts begin, how the thoughts end. What are thoughts exactly? How are my thoughts being manipulated by experiences outside me? Those sorts of questions become answerable once you see as being reactive. What meditation does is enable you to get control of your life at a very profound level. Actually, really, this control is the only genuine control that we have. Our attention is truly our possession. You can't be given it. You have it. The key is to learn how to use it. That's really what meditation is about. [0:07:15] PF: I think it's more important now than ever, because we are so distracted. As you said, our phones are there every 30 seconds, reminding us of what we need to do and what we didn't do and breaking news and all that. Just, we don't get a break. What changes do you see in people when they're able to sit down and learn this three-minute method? [0:07:36] RD: Well, this should be taught in primary school, honestly. Reading, writing, and meditation. Why is that? Well, it's for this reason. As I mentioned, we construct our experience. We actually have a word for it, which is in our language. We say, we recognize something. When you say you recognize, that word re. It means, you do it again. What happens is we have sense inputs, five senses, thoughts and imaginations. Then we recognize them as things, people, things I want, things I don't, good news, bad news, blah, blah, blah. Now that process of recognition is literally a process of world construction. The mechanism that recognizes takes memories and then looks at the cognitions that come in, compares them to memories, ascribes to their names and meanings and represents them as the world. It's that structure that really makes us human beings. What we have to do is make recognition part of our experience consciously. That process is meditation. [0:08:42] PF: Well, one thing that you talk about that I really don't think I've seen addressed much in meditation is the role that imagination plays. We don't really think about imagination and meditation going together. can You talk about that and how imagination helps us meditate? [0:08:58] RD: Yes. Well, imagination, as I mentioned, there are six gates of our experience, right? There are the five senses and then there are thoughts and imaginations. Now, thoughts and imaginations are as much an input into our experience as feeling, smelling, touching, tasting and hearing off. We normally don't really think about imaginations like that. Of course, we spend an awful lot of the day, I dread to think how much, but it's probably well north of 50% imagining, well, what about this? What about that? Well, I could do this. I could do that. These are all imaginations. One of the techniques that happens in this book is to actually say, okay, let's deliberately imagine something and make it a meditation object. Just like you might say, light a candle, look at a candle. You can imagine something and look at that. The moment you get that, you go, “Oh my God. Imaginations aren't actually part of me. They're constructed by me.” That again, releases all kinds of issues, because so many of the things that we think we want, or so many of the things that we think are bad for us are merely imagined. They're constructed by our imagination. The trouble is this mechanism that learns from the past is defensive. It was actually developed when we were on the savannas being prowled by saber-toothed tigers to immediately recognize a threat and run away from it. That's why we survived. Of course, now, this paranoid, defensive, backward-looking mechanism means that all we see is bad news, all we care about is bad news. We're not interested in good things, only bad things. Of course, the result is stress. If people just learn to see their experience as experience, oh, the stress starts coming back. It's like, okay, we can calm this down. [0:11:00] PF: As we're telling people, all right, this is something you're going to do for three minutes, can you give examples of some of the exercises so they can understand what they do for three minutes? [0:11:09] RD: Okay, the book starts with two key exercises, which I think are really, probably the fundamental thing of it. The wisdom traditions of Asia separate concentration into two phases. Now, we all know that concentration has something to do with meditation. Often, people think that you're meant to sit, not moving, thought-free, and just going to some blank, thought-free state, because that's what they think meditation is. Now actually, the trick is to get hold of our concentration and master it. Concentration, I said, has two phases. The first one is adverting. This is to be able to place your attention on a given object. That's what we’re all taught at school. Johnny, Johnny, concentrate. He does all the concentrate. Most contemporarily, educated people can concentrate. The problem is concentration like that is brittle. That's to say, you might be concentrating on one thing, then something else happens, “Oh, I concentrate on that, and then I concentrate on this. Then I can't.” That's exactly what happens to us. The first thing is to make the difference between adverting and another element of concentration, which is totally not stressed in our education system, which is savoring. Once you've adverted your concentration to an object, there's another element of concentration, which is to savor it. Now actually there are technical terms for these two things. One's called Vitaka, that's concentration adverting, and the other one's called Vicara, which is savoring. You can actually access these two things by developing simple meditation techniques. Once you've accessed savoring, then you can make your concentration stable. The trick is to first of all, experience Vitaka, adverting concentration, and I use a candle for that. The people watch a candle. What you'll find when you do this, even for three minutes is everything starts disturbing you. Thoughts disturbing. Car slams, you're disturbed by that. Someone talks in the next room, you're disturbed by that. You find yourself being disturbed. That's why most people say, “Oh, you've got to be in a totally silent room with the windows closed, your eyes closed, and no thought.” This is because they're only looking at Vitaka. Now, if you can then change your meditation object, and what I like to use is a bell, an object that fades, what happens is your Vitaka turns into savoring as you watch the fading sound. After a while, you can fade right into silence. You're still concentrated, but there's no object. You've entered something totally different. It's just like, pick up a cup of coffee, that’s Vitaka. Taste the coffee, that's Vicara. [0:13:53] PF: We're going to tell readers how they can find your book. But in the meantime, what's one thing they can start doing right now? Is there like, okay, this would work for me. I can give it three minutes a day. What's something they can do starting today? [0:14:06] RD: What they can do right now, you can go on to my website, richarddixey.com, and download a free app. What that app does is give you the meditation instructions. Then if you like the first one, get the book. What the app does, which always freaks people out a bit, is it requires you to do seven days of a three-minute thing, before it'll give you the next chapter. It's actually a trainer, it’s not really an – There’s a free trainer. The first exercise is candle-watching. Watching candles in itself is an amazing meditation. Just to watch a candle the three minutes. That itself, “Three minutes. There's nothing at all.” Three minutes is a long time if you do something deliberately. Just that alone, if you do that for a week, you will change. It's quite incredible how drip, drip, drip will fill the bathtub. It doesn't take a long time. It's just repetition that does it. Just do that. Within a week you'll go, “Well, I'm feeling a bit different. This is interesting. Something's changed.” That's because there's a wake-up call being given to your natural intelligence saying, “Hey, you don't have to be kidnapped by your recognitive map all the time. You could actually be free. You could be intelligent without having an object of intelligence. You could just be yourself.” That little wake-up call comes when you start taking that bit of control. Retaking of freedom of choice is a huge moment, where suddenly, we go, wow, so much of what is freaking me out turns out to be freaking out because I'm allowing it to. I'm giving permission for it to freak me out. What I've got to do is take a little step sideways. Oh, it doesn't freak me out anymore. That really is simple. [0:16:01] PF: That was Richard Dixey, talking about how you can transform your life in just three minutes a day. To learn more about his book, Three Minutes a Day, or download his free app and take your meditation on the go, visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. Speaking of things you'll find on our website, next I'm talking with Live Happy's Deborah Heisz, who is also CEO of our sister company, Neora, and has a great new podcast named Built to Win that she's here to tell us about. [DEBORAH HEISZ] [0:16:29] PF: Well, Deborah, happy new year. [0:16:31] DH:  Happy new year, Paula. [0:16:33] PF: This is such a great time of year, because everyone's starting new things and excited about the opportunities that are going on. All our shows this month are really tailored around new practices and new ways of looking at things. You have a lot of new things going on, a lot of things you're excited about. I wanted to take a few minutes and talk to you about that. [0:16:51] DH: I really do have a lot going on that I'm excited about. We have a lot going on that we're excited about. There's some great new stuff with Live Happy coming out. Happy Access coming up in March and we're talking about that right now, and we're talking about all the other things related to Live Happy that we like to put out in the world this year. I love the series that you guys are doing right now on new things, new practices. It's great. It's always good to put stuff in your head and new ideas on how you can improve. I love everything that's going on right now. I have something that's a little outside the Live Happy space that I've been working on that I wanted to share with everybody. I think, everybody knows the podcast. I am CEO of Live Happy. I also have a co-founder of Live Happy and his name is Jeff Olson. Jeff and I actually worked together on another company, a company called Neora. He's the founder of that along with his daughter, Amber Olson-Rourke and I'm co-CEO of that company. I'm really excited about what we've got going on, because we have just launched a new podcast called Built to Win. It's available on all your podcast places that you would find Live Happy Now. That podcast features Jeff. Jeff Olson, he's the author of the best-selling book, The Slight Edge, which is really a book that is a roadmap, how to accomplish anything. Then Amber Olson-Rourke, who is a very successful executive in her own right, and then also we have Dave Fleming, who is a seasoned international executive, who has been through a lot of challenges and done a lot of things in his life and then me. Basically, what we all are is we're personal development junkies and we've learned a lot. We spend a lot of time studying business practices, studying things that you can do to get better in life. Leadership. There's a lot of leadership lessons. What we really want to do is put out in the world a lot of our experience and to help those of you who are trying to build a business, who are thinking about managing a team, thinking about anything in your life. It doesn't have to be business. Thinking about challenges that you need to overcome. We're trying to put information out there that you can use in your everyday life to improve your life. It's not quite Live Happy, but it's in the same vein. Interesting, because the four of us just went through a really huge monumental challenge that most people will never see anything of that size in their business career. We navigated successfully and we won a very important battle in the business world. He first few episodes focus on math, but then most of the episodes focus and are going to focus on practices you can do in your everyday life, leadership lessons, how to make decisions in the trenches, how to get prepared for those problems when they come up, how to lead teams, all of those things that are critically important to basically, building leadership skills in your own life. That's what most of the podcasts are going to focus on. We just launched it, and so we wanted to share it with our Live Happy listeners. Because if you're someone who has a business, wants to be in business, is a manager of a team at a company, works in a business, most of us in the world do one of those things. [0:20:08] PF: Having listened to it, one thing that strikes me is even though you're talking about business principles, these are life principles, and they guided your business decisions, but even someone who isn't in a business environment can use those same principles and applications for making difficult decisions and taking on big challenges. That's really what struck me. It's like a movie that's set in a business world, but you could easily change the scene and make it a homework movie, where it's set in someone's house. That's really how it comes through. The lessons are applicable, whether you're trying to run a business, or run a household. [0:20:46] DH: You're exactly right, Paula. Because our intention is not to give people the nuts and bolts of how to do their accounting. You're not going to hear any of that. What you're going to hear is how to prepare to face challenges in life, how to face those challenges in life, how to get yourself prepared to have those challenges in life, and all of that is personal development. I mean, yes, a lot of the principles are grounded in some of our business experiences, but the reality is these are people who have been very successful in their lives. Jeff and Amber and Dave are great people. I get to work with them every day. I couldn't be more blessed. But they have applied personal development in their lives to be successful people. I actually hate the term personal development. I actually prefer success practices, or happiness practices. Personal development sounds like work. The reality is it's work. But really, what we're talking about is discovering and applying the tools that help you accomplish anything. That's why the name of the podcast is Built to Win. [0:21:54] PF: That’s right. [0:21:54] DH: Build yourself. Build yourself to win when those challenges come in. [0:21:59] PF: One thing that really struck me, I think it was in the very first episode, and I believe it was Amber who brought up the fact that you faced this big challenge, and she realized every little challenge that had frustrated her in her business career had also given her the resilience to face this big challenge. She could look back behind her and say, “Oh, all those little things that were bothersome actually strengthened me.” I think that's so great, because that's true in life as well. [0:22:27] DH: It is. There will be a lot less business talk on this podcast than there will be life talk. Amber and I are both parent – well, Amber, Dave and I are all parents with children still living in home. We have to balance our work life with our home life. I think everybody does. That’s where a lot of our challenges arise, too. We'll be talking a little bit about that. We'll be talking about a lot of Live Happy principles we talk about here; being present, being engaged, building trust, building relationships. All of that will flow into this podcast as well. I'm super excited about it. We're just getting started. As you know, Paula, Live Happy Now has been my favorite thing we've ever done at Live Happy. It still is. [0:23:20] PF: Mine too. [0:23:20] DH: I know. I think it always will be. Because just hearing from people who have been there and done that, who have researched happiness, who have their own life experiences to bring, I just love the conversations we're able to have, part of Live Happy Now. Now, we get to have those conversations twice, because I could have it on here and Built to Win as well. Once again, it's going to be people who've been there, people who face things that maybe you haven't faced. But we all have challenges, and we all have goals, and we all have dreams and ideas of where we want to be in life. You have to have the personal tool set in order to accomplish those things. That's really what I'm hoping Built to Win provides to its listeners, ideas and building their personal tool set to be able to face the challenges and accomplish the goals they want in life. [0:24:14] PF: We're going to tell them how they can subscribe. We'll include that on the landing page, so they can go to livehappy.com and click on the podcast page and find how to do that. What do you want them to do once they go discover Built to Win? [0:24:29] DH: First of all, I want them to go discover it. Download the first couple of episodes, take a listen. Know that just getting to hear Jeff is inspirational. [0:24:37] PF: It's a masterclass every time. [0:24:39] DH: It is. Every time somebody asks him a question, or he makes a comment, you’re just like, “I need to start taking notes,” and I'm on the podcast. [0:24:47] PF: That’s a good sign. [0:24:48] DH: Please, take the opportunity to listen to it. Because we've just launched, also, share with your friends, share with everybody, but mostly, please download and rate it. It's really important for new podcasts to get people to rate them and let us know how you think. It helps us be able to be found on the podcast apps and helps more people find us. [0:25:08] PF: Deb, I wish the best of success on Built to Win for so many different reasons. Thank you for coming on and talking about it. [0:25:16] DH: My pleasure. I want to come back and talk about happiness sometime soon. [END OF EPISODE] [0:25:23] PF: That was Deborah Heisz, talking about the new podcast, Built to Win. Learn more about it and subscribe when you visit livehappy.com and click on this episode. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Create a Humor Habit for 2024 With Paul Osincup [INTRODUCTION] [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 450 of Live Happy Now. What's so funny about 2024? You're about to find out. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and today I'm talking with Paul Osincup, a speaker, corporate trainer, and author of the forthcoming book, The Humor Habit. Paul recognizes the importance of humor as a tool to relieve stress, improve our physical and mental health, and to make the world more enjoyable for ourselves and those around us. He's here today to tell us how we can create our own humor strategy for 2024, and make it a healthier, funnier year. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [0:00:39] PF: Paul, welcome to Live Happy Now. [0:00:41] PO: Thank you, Paula. This is my first time doing any kind of show or back and forth with a Paula. So, I'm excited to do it with Paula. [0:00:50] PF: I know we can do like Paul and Paula Show. [0:00:51] PO: That’s right. [0:00:54] PF: I'll run that up the flagpole and let you know how it goes. [0:00:56] PO: Yes, check with the supervisors. [0:00:59] PF: So, I'm really excited to have you on the show. For me, it was a great way to start the year, because you are all about humor and how we can develop it and use it. And honestly, coming into 2024, there's people with a lot of trepidation, and they're not feeling that there's a lot of humor right now. So, we want to kind of get into that. But first, I'm interested to know how you got into the subject of humor? How did you study it, learn its benefits? And like, are you a naturally funny guy? [0:01:28] PO: Well, I mean, I suppose there's part of the natural proclivity for it, because I'll tell you a quick story. The first time that I noticed the impact of humor, I was in third grade, and my third-grade teacher, Mrs. Temple, I was speaking in class again when I wasn't supposed to. And Mrs. Temple looked at me and goes, “Paul, you have diarrhea of the mouth.” The whole class goes, “Ooh.” Like, “Sick, burn.” And I was on the spot, and I was feeling like, totally cornered. She goes, “You have diarrhea of the mouth.” So, I put my hand under my chin and I go, “Oh, sick. It's running down my chin.” Everybody laughed and the whole class. Mrs. Temple goes, “You need to go to the principal's office.” So, I went to the principal's office, and I realized even in that moment that my little sophomoric yet, age-appropriate come back there, it got me out of this stressful situation where I was feeling put on the spot by my teacher. But then in the principal's office, and a principal, there was another adult there, said, “Well, why are you here, Paul?” And I told him, “Well, she said I have diarrhea of the mouth. I said, it's running down my chin.” And they were trying to be stern, but I could see they were kind of smi – they were like, “You know you shouldn't do that, Paul.” And I was like, “They can't be that mad at me because it's kind of funny.” I remember that moment of thinking, “Oh, this humor thing got some power to it.” But then, fast forward to my career working with college students in distress, like severe mental, cooccurring mental health and substance abuse issues. I was kind of living this double life. I was also performing stand-up and improv, and I was noticing at work how humor helped disarm people at times, helped bring my team together. So, I started researching it. I was just really interested and I kind of just became a humor nerd. I started doing some presentations on what I had learned on the power of humor, how I use it, and one thing led to another. Now, that's what I do for a living. [0:03:27] PF: That's fantastic. I love that because I think we really underestimate humor, and we try to put it in its place. Because throughout – I'm sure you heard this throughout your life as well, where people would say, “Well, humor is just not appropriate here.” It's like, “Yes, it is.” There's almost always a way that humor can be used appropriately in any situation. For me, it's been like the great stress reliever. Make somebody laugh or even make yourself laugh. It changes the tenor of the situation entirely. [0:03:58] PO: Yes. I mean, how sad is it if we spend a third of our lives at work? So, if there are people saying, “Well, it's just not appropriate.” Here, it's like, “Well, I don't want to live in a world where we can go a third of our lives without accessing a basic part of the human experience, which is our sense of humor. I mean, that's just crushing the human spirit to me. [0:04:20] PF: It is, and what happens because as children, we like to tell little jokes, and we like to laugh, and we kind of get away from that. We become grownups and think that humor is like we can go to a stand-up comedian show. We can go laugh there. We kind of reserve the spaces where we incorporate laughter. How does that happen? [0:04:39] PO: Yes, it's interesting you bring that up because I call it chronic seriousness. Over time, we develop this chronic seriousness. So, if you are someone who identifies as an adult, you may be suffering from chronic seriousness or may become an adult someday, but what happens there's a study Gallup’s World Happiness Report, over 1.4 million people surveyed across 166 countries that are propensity to laugh, like nosedives, when we hit about age 23, which is coincidentally, when we start to hit the workforce. We graduate from college and we get families and we complicate our lives with these things like jobs and promotions and variable rate mortgages. It's like, all of a sudden, I got to be serious, and I got things to do, and everything is just so serious. We don't start gaining those laughs back again. As you said, as kids, we laugh a lot more, have a lot more fun. We don't start gaining those laughs back again until we're nearly 80. [0:05:37] PF: Oh, my god, that's a long stretch. [0:05:40] PO: Fifty-year desert of laughter, where we're limiting our own access to a resilience tool that's built into the human psyche. [0:05:48] PF: Well, talk about that a little bit, because what does laughter and humor do for our overall health, our physical health, as well as our mental health? [0:05:57] PO: Yes, well, on a real basic level, like when we find something humorous, and when we laugh, but you don't have to laugh necessarily. Even just when your brain finds something funny, we get a dose of all these feel-good chemicals that flood our brain. By dose, I literally mean dose. Dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins flood our brain. We get all this like feel-good chemicals coming into our brain, and it lowers cortisol, which causes us stress, when we find something funny. That even happens just when we smile, when we start to smile. So, for all the listeners, if you're listening to this right now, just put the shape of a smile on your face. You don't even have to mean it. You could be thinking anything right now. Like, he has no idea if I'm doing this or not, or whatever. I really have to pee right now. Whatever you're thinking, it’s fine. But just by putting that shape of a smile on your face, or finding something amusing, you're changing your brain chemistry to all of a sudden start having some happier chemicals in there. But a next step further, people who use humor to say, cope with life's struggles, I call a developing a humor habit. Like, there's all these habits we can create to see the humor in life more often and rewire our brain to do it. People who do that actually end up becoming more positive, more optimistic, more resilient in the face of adversity. People who develop a humor habit, believe that they are more likely to get through traumatic situations and get through to the other side. So, there's a lot it does for our own wellbeing and mental health. [0:07:24] PF: So, what about people who have dark humor? Does that have the same kind of effect? [0:07:29] PO: Yes. Dark humor could have the same kind of effect. I mean, it kind of depends. I mean, there's a lot of research about, say, people in professions like police officers, medical professionals. Dark humor is really needed in terms of resilience to help people get through those difficult times. It is said too, that like dark humor, people who really liked dark humor, may have even higher intelligence levels as well. That being said, if you get really into super dark, or sarcastic humor only as your only type of humor, there is some research that shows that that can start to go the other way for you a little bit and you start to depress yourself. [0:08:08] PF: That's good. So, you can kind of balance it, like the kind of humor you use and that you listen to. That's an interesting point, too. If you say to skew toward dark and sarcastic humor, and you think like, I might be having a dark humor problem, can you correct that by listening to say lighter types of humor? [0:08:26] PO: Yes. That's a good question. I mean, I haven't seen necessarily research on it. But I know from my own experience, and working with people all over the world around this, that the more you explore, and I call it even like lowering your humor threshold. One of the habits that I talked about is letting yourself laugh more. I was somebody who, like, as a comedian, you think I'd laugh all the time, right? But I wouldn't laugh very much. I have a friend who just laughs all the time, really gregarious, and I was always jealous. I would watch my favorite comedies or go and see a comedian. I would kind of just sit there intellectualizing all of it, like, “Ah.” Do you ever do that to where you’re like, watch a show, it’s like, genuinely, something's funny. But you say to yourself, like, “That's hilarious.” But you don't laugh, right? Why not laughing if it's so hilarious? So, I would find myself doing that, and I thought, well, this can't be good. I should be laughing more. So, I kind of trained myself to let go and laugh a little more. The first step is to go into situations, whether it's watching a movie or a show, or going to a comedy club, with the intention to laugh. And instead of thinking like arms folded, like, “This better make me laugh”, thinking, “I can't wait to laugh”, and go into it with a smile on your face. Then, the second is to kind of fake it till you make it or kick it up a notch. So, if there was something that would kind of make me smirk or smile a little, I would just let out a little, “Huh.” And if there was something that gave me like a little, “Ha-ha”, I would purposely kind of push it to, “Ha-ha-ha.” Eventually, as I just – not crazy amounts, but I would just push it just a little more than normal. I found myself genuinely laughing out loud more often until now, I laugh out loud, genuinely at things, maybe funny things friends say, or TV shows, or my dog getting trapped in a blanket and running around. I'll laugh out loud numerous times a day. [0:10:18] PF: And that, in addition to the benefits of humor, laughter has its own set of benefits for us, like both physically and mentally. So, you kind of get like a double, they kind of piggyback there together. [0:10:29] PO: Yes. To me, part of it is finding a way to let yourself experience life in a lighter way, like finding the levity, just day to day, in day-to-day moments instead of – I had a job early on in my career, and I was like, fresh out of grad school, and I'd always been real light-hearted and gregarious, and I found myself in this job being really critical of everything. I was really negative. I didn't know where all that came from. There was a lot of drama going on at the place I worked and I was really embroiled in that. I remember thinking to myself, I don't want to live my life as an actor in a drama, just to reach the end to find out. I was the director and it could have been a comedy. The amount of evidence that supports just that thought that we actually have a lot of control over our own happiness, there's a ton of it. [0:11:21] PF: I love that you say that, because as we talked earlier, we've started a new year, no secret, and 2024, a lot of people have anxiety about it. We have a big election coming up. People are concerned. It doesn't matter where you stand. People are concerned. There's so much going on, wars, discontent, division, and people are like, “Okay, how am I supposed to be happier, funnier? How do I find more humor this year?” You have some great tips, like how can we incorporate humor into our lives, even in challenging and uncomfortable times? [0:11:59] PO: Yes. So, one of the things that's important to consider is the overall kind of rewiring of your brain. Just like you would you would do with anything else. I want to learn a foreign language or a musical instrument. It's by incorporating small habits over time, because the priming effect is like our brains are wired to see what we set them up to expect. You're going to buy a new car. You’re like, I really want a Jeep and you start looking at Jeeps on the Internet. And now everywhere you drive around town, there's a Jeep everywhere, and you see all these Jeeps. Well, we can do that with humor, and start to rewire our brain to see the humor more often in life. Instead of everywhere you see Jeeps, you see jokes. Here's one way to kind of start doing that. One of my favorite habits is a humor jar. You have a jar, glass jar, say, and some slips of multicolored paper, and you could do this at work, in your office, or you could do this at home with the family, or both. In your humor jar, you've got those slips of paper, and then when funny things happen randomly, which they do, someone does or says something funny, and everyone cracks up, you write that down on a slip of paper, put it in the jar, and then depending on how many people you have doing it over the course of time, you go back at the end of each month, or quarter, or year, and relive all your funniest moments. And this is bound in positive psychology research about savoring the moment and also reminiscing on past good moments. But you're also wiring your brain to look for the funny moments, savor those funny moments. Remember those funny moments in life, so you'll see more and more of them, because that's what we're looking for. [0:13:36] PF: That's so cool. You know what, like, one thing I do that really helps me and I've got a couple of really funny friends. So, our friends, Doug and Jolene, we text a lot with them. Sometimes it's just like, out of the blue, I'll be like, “I'm not maybe having a great day. But I'm like, what can I say that's going to make them laugh, because then they're going to try to top whatever I texted to them.” And it works. It's a rabbit hole that we go down. And it helps me change my state. [0:14:03] PO: That's great. Why I liked that, too, is it kind of taps into – in my life, things changed a lot for me when I started focusing more on giving a laugh than getting a laugh. I want other people to laugh for them, not necessarily for me. So, it sounds to me like that's what you're doing. Another one of the habits is I call having a humor homie, and you could do it like as a one-week trial where you and your humor homie just make an agreement that like every day this week, or this month or whatever, we're each going to find something that cracks us up and send it to the other with no obligation of a reply back like, “Oh, now I have to watch this video and I don't really have time right now.” Because sometimes you feel like, “Oh, gosh. This one person sends me all these memes or whatever.” But it's just what we're doing is we're holding each other accountable to you look for something funny, I'll look for something funny, and we're going to share it with each other and you're also building up your comedy treasure trove of funny stuff. [0:15:02] PF: Oh, that's terrific. So, you've got a couple of other practices I wanted to talk about, and one is having a mantra. Right now, everyone's like, they're setting their word of the year, they're setting their intentions, they're creating their mantras. You have a whole different take on that. [0:15:17] PO: Yes. Part of it, maybe it's because I'm so into comedy and humor, is that I'm like, I'm a cynical person, right? So, I've been through a lot of workshops and wellness seminars and stuff like that, and some of the stuff really resonates with me. And other stuff is like, I cannot picture myself or take myself seriously doing this. Some of these serious mantras, they work. I mean, the research is out there. They work. So, if it works for you, great. But for me, I can't take myself seriously sitting at my desk going, “I am not angry. I am calm. I am not angry. I am calm.” If I'm doing that, I'm about to put a five iron through my monitor and do snow angels on the carpet or something. [0:15:59] PF: You just sounded like the Headspace app right now. [0:16:01] PO: Exactly. Yes. Except if I was that app, it would be Headcase. Yes. So, you can still have a mantra, but have it be something funny or less serious. For example, Bud Light had these commercials for a long time where this king only liked to drink Bud Light and all the peasants would bring him all these drinks like these fine mead wines or whatever. When he didn't get what he wanted, he would say, “To the pit of misery” with this guy who brought him like a wine or whatever. And the whole town would yell, “Dilly, dilly.” So, for some reason, my wife and I anytime things were not going well in life or whatever, it was like our cross-country skis one time flew off the roof rack and got run over behind us. It’s like, “Dilly, dilly.” [0:16:50] PF: I hope you were on the way back from the vacation. [0:16:54] PO: Yes. It was all the way to, and two skis. It was two skis, but it wasn't like one pair. It was one of hers and one of mine. Like, come on man. But that mantra dilly, dilly like she ended up engraving dilly, dilly at a money clip she gave to me one year for Christmas because it's just an easy way to reframe and go, okay, these sucks but whatever. [0:17:17] PF: So, did it make you laugh? You just lost basically two sets of skis because you can't just buy like a single. Did it change the situation when you're like, dilly, dilly? [0:17:26] PO: Yes. It doesn't always make me laugh. What it does is gives me perspective. It helps my brain remember that like, okay, although this may not be funny right now, there is humor in this. So, taking out of the freak-out from a nine to a six? Hey, your perspective in this whole situation, it's okay, dilly, dilly to the pit of misery. [0:17:47] PF: So, how did someone really start finding that mirthful mantra? Because you can do a song. It might be hard for someone to be like, “Oh, what's that going to be?” Because we can't – I mean, you kind of topped us with the Budweiser, dilly, dilly thing. [0:18:02] PO: Yes. So, it could be something like that Budweiser thing started as kind of an inside joke, so it could be like an inside joke, or saying that happens with you, and your colleagues at work, or at home. It could be a song that you turn into a mantra. You could take a serious mantra, and give it a little makeover, serious mantra makeover. So, take your serious mantra, and in your head, or out loud, if you can do it out loud. Just picture a funny voice saying that mantra. Like, Gandalf, from the Lord of the Rings going, “This too shall pass.” Or Elmo like, “I have a choice and I choose peace.” And that might just give you a little perspective to make you laugh a little bit and go, “Okay. It's not the end of the world.” [0:18:47] PF: I love that. When you do this, how long does it take for it to kind of become second nature? Because we're trying to override all this negative stuff that's been thrown at us all day long. How much work does it take to let the humor override that? And how long does it take to make it a habit? [0:19:07] PO: Like anything. It's different for everybody. But I think, that's why I really liked the ones that start out as little inside jokes or things that you're already doing or saying that you think, “Wait a minute. We may already have some kind of a mantra that I'm just not using that that much.” There was this one hospital team I was working with and a woman said that she was rushing around, running around room to room and there was this one patient she had this woman with a real southern twang voice. She came in real quick to check on her and a woman grabbed her arm and said, “Breathe baby, breathe.” She told her other nursing staff that their whole team now when somebody's getting worked up, they all just go, “Breathe baby, breathe.” So, those types of ones I think are the easiest because they're already in the lexicon. I had one when I was working with college students that were having a hard time, and I had to have disciplinary conversations with them and stuff, and sometimes it didn't go well. I remember this one student at the end of the day. It was a long week. The end of the day, the student and his attorney, and mom left my office, they're angry, and I hear the student just yell, “I hate this F’n school.” I walk into the office and my colleague goes, “How you doing?” I go, “Oh, you know, changing lives.” And that changing lives kind of became one of those mantras where both good and bad. Sometimes we'd have breakthroughs and we'd be like, “Hey, changing lives.” And other times, it'd be like a tough day, like, “Changing lives.” But it kind of gave us a perspective that we’re in it together. [0:20:41] PF: I love that. I love that. So, as the year gets dicey, not that it will. If the year feels dicey, how can we then like make sure like really double down on our humor? Really make it, like find ways to make ourselves laugh, and make ourselves think everything's okay? [0:20:56] PO: One thing is, at times, you don't have to make everything okay. The great humorous Charlie Chaplin once said, “In order to really laugh, you need to be able to take your pain and play with it.” If you're into theater, or comedy, movies, or TV shows. I mean, the real great comedy comes from the pain points in life. The struggles. No one wants to watch TV show where the guy wakes up and loves his job, and everything's great with his family. It's like, who cares? But it's the funny things happen with the struggles. So, what I teach with groups and workshops is to be able to take your pain points, and play with them a little bit. Start with minor things. There's something called humorous reappraisal, where we take minor stressors that we had, and then look back and see how can I reframe that with humor? Or I call it play in the what I could have said game. How can I look back and go, “What could I have done or said in that stressful moment, to add some levity to it so that I didn't get quite so worked up?” That's a good way. There's a lot of research about that, that doing that, actually increases our overall positive emotions and decreases negative emotions more than just normal positive reappraisal. Numerous reappraisal does so even more. So, I can give an example. I always tell people, just start with real minor things, and then work your way up to more real difficult personal traumatic things. But like, let's say you're in an important meeting at work, with all the leadership team there, and you go to make a brilliant point, right? You spill your mug of coffee all over the table. And now, you're immediately flustered, your next getting red, your face is getting red. And you're like, “Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.” Apologizing profusely and embarrassed, and then you realize later, like, “I didn't even get to make my great point. And why did I let myself get so flustered about this? I wish I could have handled that with some levity.” Go back and play the what I could have said game. What would you have done? What would you have said to lighten the mood and settle yourself down and others down? Maybe you spill it and go, “This is going to generate a latte excitement.” Or, “It's okay, everyone. It's just half and half. Half on the table, half in my lap.” Whatever it is, it doesn't even matter if what you come up with when you're doing this exercise cracks you up. Because you're training your brain to associate these minor stressors and working your way up to major stressors with humor. Eventually, what will happen is, you'll think to play the what I could have said game like a couple days later, and then a day later, and then a few hours later, until eventually your brain is starting to make this humor connection closer to real time than retrospect. And you're starting to be hardwired for humor. [0:23:36] PF: I love that. I love that. There's so much that you can teach us and we're going to tell people how they can find you and where they can see your TED Talk and just all the great stuff that you've done. But before you go, I love this, I want you to tell us about a comedy chaser, because this is something we started doing in our house before like we didn't even realize it how to name. But it was something we had to do this because we couldn't go to bed with anything else in our mind. So, tell us what a comedy chaser is and how we can use this. I love it. [0:24:04] PO: Yes. And that's cool to hear that you've been doing that too, because that's just actually helped me a lot as well. But I'm not going to like screen shame anyone. We all have our screen habits where maybe we're on a certain app too long, or depending on what you like to watch. For some reason right now, True Crime documentaries, and like serial killer documentaries are huge. Some of us watch the news way too much. Whatever it is, it's fine. But a comedy chaser is at the end of the day, make the last thing you watch funny. After you've binged your True Crime thing, before you go to bed, or maybe it's before you get to work or sit down to do some work, make the last thing you watch something funny. Watch a couple of funny TikTok videos or whatever it is that makes you laugh, because then what you're doing is you're replacing stress-inducing hormones with stress-reducing before you go to bed, or get to work, or see your family, or whatever it is. [0:25:00] PF: Then, that's what's stuck in your head too. When you lay down, you're like rethinking that joke, rethinking what you just saw, and it's a much more pleasant experience. [0:25:08] PO: Absolutely. All of those benefits of humor and laughter are flooding your body before sleep, or whatever the next thing is that you're going to do, for sure. [0:25:19] PF: What I've noticed has happened with me is I've started doing that. I tend to have really funny dreams. I don't always remember them, but I will wake up laughing. [0:25:28] PO: Really? Oh, that's great. [0:25:28] PF: Yes. Then, sometimes I'm like, “I got to write that down because I got to try that.” As I've started doing comedy, before I go to bed, I see that happening more and more, where it's like – [0:25:38] PO: That’s awesome. [0:25:39] PF: – you just kind of wake up and you're laughing. You don't know why. It's like, it must have been a good dream. Wish I knew what it was. [0:25:45] PO: See. You're rewiring your brain for humor, and it's even happening in your sleep. That's amazing. [0:25:49] PF: That’s so easy. I can do it in my sleep. [0:25:51] PO: That's right. That's right. Very good. I need you to write something for me. “So, easy. You can do it in your sleep.” [0:25:59] PF: Well, Paul, you are a delight to talk to. I'm glad you could share this with us. Again, thank you for coming on. We're going to tell everyone how to find you and make 2024 a happier, more humorous year. [0:26:12] PO: That's right. Have a great 2024 everyone. [END OF INTERVIEW] [0:26:19] PF: That was Paul Osincup, talking about the power of humor. If you'd like to learn more about Paul, follow him on social media or learn more about his book, The Humor Habit, just visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]