Confident business woman

3 Keys to Boosting Your Confidence

Is fear of failure holding you back?Do you charge ahead, willing to give anything a try and persisting in the face of setbacks, criticism and failure? Or do you hesitate, waiting until you feel you can put the pieces together so everything will be “just right,” ensuring that everything goes as planned and everyone is happy?My grandfather’s motto for life is: “Just get in there and have a go.”As I look back on decades of risky career moves and wonderful adventures around the globe, I thank him every day for giving me the confidence to show up for the things that have mattered most in my life.In fact, I didn’t realize just how good his advice was until I recentlyrecorded this podcast withKattyKay, co-author of the best-selling bookThe Confidence Code: The Science and Art of Self-Assurance—What Women Should Know.Thoughts into actions“Confidence is what turns our thoughts into actions,” explained Katty. “With it you can take on the world; without it you remain stuck on the starting block of your own potential.”It turns out confidence isn’t simply feeling good about yourself, saying you’re great—perfect just as you are—and believing you can do whatever you want. Nor does it require you to be a jerk who always has to speak first, ignores other people’s ideas, or demands to be given what you deserve. Rather, confidence is what allows you to stop mumbling, apologizing andhesitating, and instead start acting, risking and failing.“Confidence matters more to our success than competence does,” said Katty. “If you choose not to act, you simply have less chance of success.”Unfortunately,Katty’s research foundthat confidence appears to be a particular challenge for women across professions, income levels, and generations. And while our genetics, our schooling, our upbringing, our society and even the way we look are all factors that affect our confidence, it’s also a result of our own choices.Choose to become more confidentAs a result, Katty believes we can improve our levels of confidence through three simple steps:1. Take action—Nothing builds confidence like taking action, especially when the action involves risk and failure.So step outside your comfort zone, and if the very idea feels overwhelming, focus on how your actions can benefit others to kick-start your confidence. Start with small challenges that allow you to grow, improve and gain confidence. If you fail, think about how you can do it differently next time, and try again. If you succeed, set yourself the next challenge and keep stretching yourself forward again and again.2. Think Less—Note the stories you’re playing over and over, and ask: Is this the only explanation for what’s unfolding? Try to note as many plausible alternatives as possible, and invest your attention on the explanations that build rather than destroy your confidence. And if all else fails, try a little self-compassion and talk back to yourself, as you would to a friend who was full of self-doubt.3. Be Authentic—Be confident in a way that feels genuine to you. You don’t always have to speak first; you can listen and incorporate what others say. You can speak calmly but carry a smart message—one that will be heard. Play to your distinctive strengths and values. Express your vulnerability. We’re at our most powerful when confidence emanates from our core.To find out how confident you really are, take this free survey.And remember my grandfather’s motto: “Just get in there and have a go.”What would you be doing right now if you had a little more confidence?Michelle McQuaid is a best-selling author, workplace well-being teacher and change activator.To learn more about Michelle visitwww.michellemcquaid.com.
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Woman at a farmers' market

5 Foods to Boost Your Mood

With the help of Dr. Drew Ramsey, author of the Recipe for Happiness blogand the books Fifty Shades of Kaleand The Happiness Diet, we’re making eating happy simple. Here are Drew’s picks for the top five happiness-boosting foods you should add to your shopping cart on your nextvisit to the supermarket.1. KaleIt’s the current darling of the nutrition scene, and it’s also one of the healthiestthings you can put on your plate.Plus, this leafy green veggie can beprepared more ways than you everdreamed possible.Why it makes you happy: Kale ispacked with phytonutrients, plant-basedmolecules that help our brains, as wellas folate, a vitamin often used as a supplement to treat depression.How to work it into your life: Greatnews—kale isn’t just for salads anymore!Make fresh, crispy kale chips withyour choice of seasonings, add it to asmoothie, even bake it into brownies!2. SeafoodSure, you’ve heard that you need to eatwild-caught salmon, but there are manymore options to fish around for. Mussels,clams and oysters are also great brainfood, and if you must order pizza, makesure you add the anchovies.Why it makes you happy: Seafoodis loaded with omega-3 fats, essentialnutrients for many bodily functions but,in particular, it helps make us happy.However, fish brings a lot more than justfats to the table, including B-12, iodine,selenium and DHEA, all of which arevital for a healthy, happy brain.How to work it into your life: Fish isa popular main course, but if you wantto work your way into it, there areplenty of appetizers and hors d’oeuvres,from the classic (shrimp cocktail andsteamed mussels) to the exotic (stuffedmushrooms with clams, red pepper andanchovies) that can help you diversifyyour palate.3. NutsNuts have finally gained a well-deservedreputation as sources of heart-healthy antioxidants and healthy fats. Just anounce a day can help improve both yourphysical and mental health.Why they make you happy: Almonds,pecans and walnuts are among the nutsthat contain calcium, which can helpoffset hormonal imbalances in women aswell as alleviate symptoms of anxiety,depression, irritability and impairedmemory. In 2012, a study published inthe Journal of Proteome Research alsolinked them to higher serotonin levels,which make you feel calmer and happier.How to work them into your life: Bythe handful! Eat them as a snack, tossthem into your cereal and salads, or pairthem with yogurt. You really can’t gowrong, so…go nuts!4. BeansThey’re extremely versatile as well as anaffordable way to keep your healthyeating on track. Whether you want themon the side or as a main course, you’redoing yourself a huge favor by workingthem into your list of favorite foods.Why they make you happy: Beans areloaded with iron, a mineral that canboost both your mood and your energylevels. They’re also filled withphytonutrients, helping ward off disease and letting the body function properly,as well as essential folate and fiber.While blueberries are often heralded fortheir antioxidants, half a cup of redbeans has 1 1⁄2 times the antioxidants ofa cup of blueberries.How to work them into your life:Sprinkle them on a salad, make beandip, mix them with red pepper and eggsfor a spicy Mexican dish, or add them tolasagna instead of meat. There arecountless ways to befriend beans!5. EggsThese took a beating a few years agoand got a bad rap for their cholesterolcontent. But even the American HeartAssociation has backed away from thatstance and agrees eggs are a great wayto start the day. But these days, theyaren’t just for breakfast.Why they make you happy: Eggsdeliver B-12, folate, protein and healthyfat—all of which are very importantin terms of brain function. The yolkis packed with carotenoids, giving it itsyellow color, and recent studies atHarvard have linked carotenoids to optimism.How to work them into your life:Start the day with them scrambled,sunny-side-up or poached. Later, youcan have them hard-boiled and tossedin a salad, stirred into noodle disheslike pad thai, or even blended intoyour smoothie.
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Chris O'Donnell in the pool

I Am Happy!

It’s 6:30 on a typical weekday morning in the Pacific Palisades home that Chris O’Donnell shares with Caroline, his wife of 17 years, their five children and Kimmy, their adored 13-year-old black lab. The custom-built house sits in a celebrity-dense Los Angelesneighborhood, where residents include A-listers like Matt Damon, BenAffleck, Tom Hanks, Steven Spielberg, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn, on a bluff overlooking the ocean.The views are stunning, but Chris and Caroline barely have time for a glance as they corral their brood.Fourteen-year-old Lily, the oldest, is out the door and heading to high school across town. Charlie, 10, “my focused little guy,” as Chris calls him, has already gotten dressed, eaten breakfast and iswatching the Golf Channel. Chip, 13, ispresent but not fully accounted for; hiseyes may be open but he’s half asleep.Finn, 8, is nowhere in sight. “You’ve called him 12 times but he’s still in bedand won’t come down,” Chris says. And 6-year-old Maeve, snuggled ona lap, is having her ponytails done.Some mornings, between volleyingquestions—Did you brush your teeth?Make your bed? Pack your backpack?—Chris steals a moment, pulls out hiscamera and videotapes the (mostly)controlled bedlam. “You think of thegreat trips you’ve taken, but this everydaymorning routine is the real fun and the kind of stuff you’ll want to remember,”he says. “This is your real life.”The rush hour of lifeAt 43, Chris is in the throes of whathe calls—borrowing a phrase fromsociologists—“the rush hour of life.” It’sthat period when both the demands ofcareer and family peak. “Right now I’m in the vortex of everything,” he says.“It’s crazy for me.” Days on the set ofhis hit CBS series NCIS: Los Angelescan run 14 hours, and weekends are,if anything, even more jammed. “It’sliterally divide and conquer,” he says; he and Caroline split duties of shuttling thekids to riding lessons, soccer, basketball,football and baseball games, with most Sunday mornings devoted to church.As hectic as rush hour may be, Chris is more than contentriding in the carpool lane.He has created the life he alwayswanted for himself: a large, happy family and the means to providefor them. That desire for blissfuldomesticity seems woven into hisvery DNA.A couple of years after hisbeloved father, William, passed away,Chris looked into his roots on the TLCshow Who Do You Think You Are? (Thisis a sharp contrast to his TV character,G. Callen, a military special agentwho grew up in 20 foster homes anddoesn’t even know what the “G” inhis first name stands for.) What Chrisdiscovered left his blue eyes wateringseveral times during the episode:Generation after generation, the men of his family had answered acall to service—fighting in the War of1812 and later in the Spanish-AmericanWar, helping bury bodies during the cholera epidemic that hit St. Louis inthe 1840s—but always returned hometo their families when they were needed.“Family was the most important thing in life to them,” Chris says.“And maybe that’s part of why itfeels so natural to me, so right, thatit’s also my instinct to put familyahead of everything else. There arepast generations that instill that inyou without your even knowing.”A nice guy who's finishing firstChris has a reputation in Hollywoodfor being a nice guy. Asked about this,he says, “Obviously, you’re talking tothe right people. I’m sure there arepeople who don’t have that opinion ofme.” Finding those people would likelybe a fruitless quest. In person, Chris isunfailingly gracious. At a photo shoot inthe Hollywood Hills on a rare morningoff, he is asked to wade into a pool withhis clothes on, a request that wouldleave many a more finicky actor aghast.But he’s all for it. “Just tell me what youwant me to do,” Chris says. Steppinginto the pool, he playfully brandishes animaginary Robin cape,reprising his days as Batman’s trustysidekick. Then, when a particularlyexuberant kick leaves a photographer’sassistant soaked, he’s full of apologies.He’s just as affable outsideHollywood. An avid and gifted golfer,he has played for the past 18 yearsin the AT&T Pebble Beach NationalPro-Am, a tournament that raisesmoney for the nonprofit MontereyPeninsula Foundation. It’s DougThompson’s sometimes-delicate jobto get the tournament’s celebritygolfers to talk to the press. Manybalk at the request; not Chris.“I have worked with dozens and dozens of celebrities over the past 13 years,” Doug says, “and Chris is themost open and friendly of any of them. He’s willing to do whatever I ask him.” This year Chris was on the driving range practicing with a swing coachwhen Doug approached him aboutdoing a television interview. He saidyes, even though he had a coveted teetime at Cypress Point [Club], widelyconsidered one ofthe most beautifulgolf courses in theworld.“You don’tever want to miss atee time at CypressPoint,” Doug says.“But Chris gaveus 45 minutes.He even showedthe host howto swing a golf club.That typifies him.” Doug runs outof adjectives as he describes Chris’generosity. “He’s just a great guy,” Dougsays, “really incredible,awesome.”A boisterous boyhoodEarly in his acting career, Chrissometimes felt like a fraud becausehe couldn’t call upon a harrowing childhood. “God forbid you came froma stable family,” Chris says. “That feltlike such a cop-out. Sure, a lot of artists did, of course, come from torturedbackgrounds, but I didn’t. When Iwas a young guy and I did interviews,I thought I had to produce some kindof edgy image. I don’t care about thatanymore. I feel so blessed to have had agreat upbringing with a lot of love frommy parents, my brothers and my sisters.”Chris grew up in Winnetka, anaffluent suburb of Chicago, the youngestof seven children. His brothers andsisters complained that as the baby of the family, Chris was spoiled; it didn’t helpthat his mother’s nickname for him was“Precious Love.” In some ways, Chrissays, he’s a composite of every oneof his siblings. “I had this amazingexperience being the youngest ofseven,” he says, “because I was soinfluenced by each of my brothersand my sisters. I see this with my ownkids, too. As the youngest, I wanted tobe like everyone, so I play golf becausemy brother John played golf. I’ll neverbe as good as John—who’s one of thetop amateur golfers in the country—butI’m pretty good. My brother Bill gardensand cooks, and he can build a house. I can do a lot of that, though I can’t doit as well as him. But Bill doesn’t golfand John can’t do any of the stuff thatBill does. I’m somewhere in-between.”The way, way backHis dad set an example of relishing simple pleasures. “He would get as excited about a good homemade burger and a cold beer, sitting in his house with his feet up and watching the Bears game as if he was in the fanciest restaurant in Paris,” he says. The family ate dinner together every night, with Chris and his sister Angela sitting at the breakfast bar because there wasn’t room for all nine O’Donnells at the kitchen table.There were occasional meals out to Hackney’s, a casual family restaurant. “That was a really big deal,” Chris says. “We’d all pile into our two cars—a Buick and a Caprice classic station wagon—and, inevitably, one car would be 30 minutes late because halfway there someone got in trouble, wasn’t allowed to go to dinner and had to be taken home.” There were rules, like each kid was allowed one soda for the night. “You could chug it if you wanted or you could take little sips and wait for everyone else to finish theirs,” Chris says. He’d chug his, then climb under the table and pour packets of sugar into a glass of water. “My parents would say, ‘Just leave him alone, he’s quiet,’ ” Chris says. “It was chaos, and they’d always say, ‘We’re never doing this again.’ But, of course, we did.”Best of all were the weeks spent at a summer cottage on Lake Michigan that had been in his mother’s family for generations. There was a small public golf course behind the house. “My favorite day as a kid was getting up early, going to play golf and then coming home, having lunch and being on those sandy beaches with my family,” Chris says. “We’d build bon fires and generations—my grandparents, parents and lots of cousins—would come together. It was just a simple, fun tradition.”Getting to workWhen he was in the eighth grade,inspired by a classmate who wasappearing in local ads, Chris reached out to a local talent agent. Soon, he wasappearing in local TV commercials andthen national campaigns, like one forMcDonald’s where he rang up an orderfor basketball player Michael Jordan. At17, he landed his first movie role, oppositeJessica Lange, in Men Don’t Leave. It washis introduction to the perks of success,and it left him wide-eyed. “They flew me out to New York to audition,” Chrissays. “I took my dad, and they put us upat The Regency Hotel. There were threeTVs in our room; there was even onein the bathroom. I was blown away.”When Chris started Boston Collegeafter deferring a year to do the movie, hedidn’t tell anyone about his acting career.“I didn’t want to be known as the kidwho was in the movies,” he says. But thenads started running for Men Don’t Leaveand, he says, “the cat was out of the bag.”His anonymity completely evaporatedover the next few years, as he starredopposite some of Hollywood’s biggeststars (Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman andGene Hackman and Faye Dunaway inThe Chamber) and newcomers who wouldgo on to become the next generation ofsuperstars (Ben Affleck, Matt Damon and Brendan Fraser in School Ties andDrew Barrymore in Mad Love).The allure of stardomWhen he was 23, Chris went on location to Vienna to star opposite Charlie Sheen and Kiefer Sutherland in The ThreeMusketeers. It was, he says, “the biggest eye-opening experience of all time.” Ifhe liked to have a good time, he was a choirboy in comparison to Kiefer and,especially, Charlie. “I always say it was like taking your craziest buddy fromcollege, giving him $20 million and justseeing what he does,” Chris says. “It wastotally out-of-control. I loved it, butI had my limits. I’d knock back somecocktails with them, but at a certainpoint, I’d check out while they’d run all night. This was a big opportunityfor me, and I was taking it seriously.”While Chris enjoyed his stint as a Hollywood heartthrob, he recognized “there were different paths you could take.” He goes on. “I knew I could continue to date and never get married and enjoy Hollywood and all the benefits of it, but that really wasn’t who I was,” he says. “It’s tough to have it both ways. If you know you want to have a great family and a bunch of kids, it’s hard to run around in Hollywood.”Finding his soulmateHe started dating Caroline Fentress,the sister of a college roommate (“Assoon as I kissed her, I knew she wasthe one,” he likes to say), and, threeyears later, in April 1997, they married.“Being in this business can be anemotional roller coaster, and Carolineis an incredibly stable person and agreat sounding board for me,” he says.She provided a ballast early on, inthe heady aftermath of making BatmanForever and Batman & Robin.“TheBatman movies changed everything,” he says. “It took me to a differentlevel.” Chris was bombarded with filmoffers, and though he declined rolesthat turned out to be hits for otheractors, including Men in Black, he hasno regrets. “I love doing films,” Chrissays, “but traveling all the time andbeing on location isn’t conducive tofamily life. When I started having kids,I realized TV was going to make moresense for me.”Joining the NCIS familyAfter co-starring stintson Two and a Half Men, The Practice andGrey’s Anatomy and a starring role inthe Cold War miniseries The Company,he moved on to NCIS: Los Angeles. Itproved a hit out of the gate and stilldrew top ratings in its fifth season.This year, to keep things interesting,Chris directed an episode for the first time and hopes to do more directingnext season. Still, he is far fromrestless. “I’m comfortable with thecharacter I play, and I’m crazy aboutthe people I work with,” he says. Chrisshares a special chemistry and a kind of“bromance” with his co-star, rapper-turned-actor LL Cool J. “I love him,”Chris says. “He’s one-of-a-kind, anincredibly confident guy who’s reallycomfortable in his own body. He’s alsosomebody that I absolutely trust. I can tell that guy anything and he’s like a vault.”For now, Chris is looking eastwardto the coast of Maine, where he has asummer home. Hoping to re-createthe kind of experiences that he enjoyedgrowing up, the family spends summers at their 100-year-old waterfront home.“I’ve got Maine fever,” he says. “It’s myfavorite place to be and I can’t get therefast enough. I get eight weeks off fromthe show, and everyone always asks me ifI’m going to do a  lm on my hiatus. I say,‘Are you crazy? This is the most precioustime of the year with my kids.’ We justkind of shut things down and hang out.It’s when I really get to live my life.”The days are sun-drenched andleisurely: They pack a picnic and exploredifferent islands—there are over 4,600 islands off the coast of Maine—sail, swimand golf. And, unlike when they’re in LA,even his older kids don’t balk at spendingfamily time together. “I’m still a big shotto my little guys,” he says, “but Chip andLily are gone every weekend. I’ll say,‘I thought we were going to do somethingtogether,’ and they’re like, ‘I don’t knowI’ve got so-and-so coming over.’ I’m like,‘All right, but what am I, chopped liver?’ ”Finding the good life at homeDon’t feel too sorry for Chris. Alongwith taking romantic trips to places like Paris and the French Caribbean Islandof St. Bart’s, he and Caroline have very active social lives themselves. “I’m notrunning around in Hollywood going to every event,” he says. “But we’re always going to dinners with friends and havingparties.” Recently, Caroline organized agame of team charades, with 60 adultsbroken into eight teams. “People wereracing through every room of thehouse,” he says. “It was the best night ofthe year.” And just recently they hosteda more elegant event—a catered wine pairingdinner for a dozen friends. Chrisis a serious wine collector, and when hehad his home built from the ground up,he included a wine cellar (as well as anoutdoor pizza oven).When theO’Donnells return home from Maine,Chris will begin making plans for theOktoberfest he hosts every year, completewith fare like beef roulade, schnitzeland beer passed around in a giant stein. “It’s a family tradition,” Chris says.“I get really sentimental about things,and I’m really a creature of habit.”Right now, it’s time for Chris tomove on to his next appointment.Before he heads out to his car—anAudi sedan that, he says, is the fanciestcar he has ever bought and that leaveshim feeling slightly abashed—he iscertain to thank every crew memberwith a hearty, “Appreciate it, man.Have a good day.” And just as thedoor closes behind him, there’s asound that follows Chris O’Donnellwherever he goes. People turn to eachother, smile and exclaim, “What anice guy!”
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Three high school grads

The Promise of Positive Education

A 2011 University of Pennsylvania study followed 300 students through a year of middle school, measuring their good and bad feelings (depression, positiveemotion, life satisfaction) and how teachers rated their classroom behavior.The study found negative emotions (depression and anxiety) did not predict academic achievement, but positive emotions actually did. Students in the positive group had higher grades thatkept increasing the next year.In particular, researchers concluded, character strengths are the “mostpromising lever for increasing academic achievement.”The most promising leverNot your GPA. Not whether you can ace standardized tests. Not your IQ.Not whether you come from a two-parent home, listened to Baby Mozartas an infant and spent your Saturdays at museums. Not how many homes youbuilt for Habitat for Humanity or hoursyou practiced basketball on an actualcourt instead of in front of an Xbox.Now, let’s not ignore those typicalmeasures, as some of them may beindicative of character strengths. If youare in the top 5 percent of your class,scored a 2100 on your SAT, or are thestar player on your basketball teambecause you get up at 6 a.m. every dayto practice, it’s likely you are resilient…or “gritty” as researchers say.Grit is just one of many characterstrengths positive psychologyresearchers are focused on these days,but it seems to be the one gaining themost headlines.It owes much of its newfound fame toAngela Duckworth, Ph.D., an associateprofessor of psychology at Penn Stateand a 2013 recipient of the MacArthurFoundation “genius” grant for herresearch on grit and self-control as traitsthat predict success.Angela is co-developer of the “GritSurvey,” a 22-statement evaluationthat is quite predictive of futuresuccess with questions like “I do notalways finish what I begin” and “I amdoggedly persistent.” The test measuresperseverance for long-term goals andcan predict grade success at selectiveuniversities, retention at elite military academies (better than the U.S. MilitaryAcademy at West Point’s own tests) andranking in a national spelling bee.Angela’s mentor is Martin E.P.Seligman, Ph.D., who took psychologyin a completely different directionas the founder of “positive psychology,”studying what makes people happyinstead of what makes them need Prozac.“[Angela’s] notion of grit seems toencompass—to varying degrees—thecharacter of perseverance, self-regulation,zest, curiosity and hope,” says MarkLinkins, consultant for educationalpractices at the Values in Action Instituteon Character in Cincinnati. “It seemsthat grit is the nearest thing we have to a‘secret sauce’ for success. When we lookat the list of those who have achieved great success… in their respective fields, it is evidence that talent alone doesn’texplain much.“Grit is what sustains dedication to atask across time. Without that sustaineddedication, we may have bursts ofinspiration and creativity, but such shortbursts only rarely create anything oflasting value.”Grit researchJane Gillham, Ph.D., co-director of thePenn Resiliency Project, contributeda chapter on resilience to the Oxford Handbook of Happinessreleased inJanuary2013. She reports thatAngela and Martin’s research in2005 found that self-discipline wasa stronger predictor of adolescents’grades than their IQ. She also notes that research from 2009 by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health ServicesAdministration showed programs thatteach coping, problem-solving skillsand social competence also improvedspecific academic cognitive skills,grades, standardized testing scoresand graduation rates.In addition, she found that two-thirds of U.S. adults thinkschools should educate studentson their social, emotional andbehavioral needs.“When people think about resilience,”Jane writes, “major adversities typicallycome to mind. For example, the childwho performs well in school and whodevelops close connections to others, despite enduring years of abuse andneglect. The process of resilience isalso reflected in positive adaptation in response to everyday stresses (conflicts with peers, low marks in school) andcommon life transitions (the birth of asibling, the break-up of a relationshipduring adolescence).”Jane advocates integrating lessonson grit and resiliency in schools—notjust as a by-the-way mention by a well intentionedteacher, but explicitly as partof the curriculum.Gregory Park, a post-doctoral fellowstudying positive psychology at theUniversity of Pennsylvania, recentlypublished a white paper on wellbeingand achievement that draws heavily fromthe research by Martin and Angela.Gregory discusses the perseverancepiece of the predictive puzzle: “Inparticular, the strengths of self controland perseverance are powerfulpredictors of many of the desired outcomes from students, inside andoutside of the classroom. These nonintellectualstrengths are related tothe capacity to delay gratification andsustain effort through difficult tasks.”Martin and Angela’s researchshows self-control and perseverancepredict grades, absences, at-homestudy habits, classroom conduct andhomework completion.So why isn’t resiliency a class just likegeometry? Some schools are workingon that.Austin ISDLast Halloween, a huge section ofAustin, Texas, was flooded. Five peopledied; 8,500 homes lost power; morethan 500 homes were damaged; and Perez Elementary School closed fortwo days.When the school reopened Mondaymorning, counselors were on-siteto help the kids process what hadhappened. The district’s Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) coach wasthere, too.Sherrie Raven, director of thedistrict’s SEL department, remembersthe students telling stories about howthey waited on top of their houses forboats to rescue them.“The kids were able to say, ‘I was really scared but I used my deep breathsto calm down’ or ‘I used my self-talk to say I’m going to be OK, I can staycalm,’ ” Sherrie says. “It’s one of thebest examples I’ve seen of the resiliencethat we’ve helped build in these kids.They had the grit and self-awareness tosay, ‘I’m going to be OK. I’m not goingto panic.’ These are little guys, and theyhave that language.”Now, language isn’t better grades.But this is evidence to Sherrie thather program is on the right track.And research looking at 213 SEL programs (250,000 students) agrees.Gregory writes that when resilience is taught in the classroom, grades and standardized testscores increased by 11 percent.Positive social behaviors and attitudesabout school, self and others increased9 percent. Andadolescent depression, anxiety andconduct problems decreased by 9 percent.Research from SEL and the PennResiliency Program (a school-basedintervention that is an offshoot of theuniversity’s resiliency research) has shown that“school-based interventions can havereal, lasting effects on student wellbeing,”Gregory writes.SEL centers on five guiding principles:self-awareness, self-management,social awareness, relationship skills andresponsible decision-making.From elementary through high schoolAustin ISD, the academic home to87,000 students, is among the first publicschool districts in the nation to bringSEL into the school day. The departmentopened in July 2011 and beganintroducing SEL into its vertical teamstructures (elementary schools that feedinto middle schools, which feed intohigh schools). The five vertical teamsleft will be included within the next twoschool years.The first two high schools tointegrate the SEL curriculum in Austinhad a very clear reason why: One had11 deaths on its campus within a year—some natural, some accidental, somesuicides. The other had seen promisingstudents drop out of college aftergraduation because they didn’t havethe grit to continue, “the ability to say,‘That really sucked but I can move on,’ ” as Sherrie describes it.Rudolph “Keeth” Matheny is anSEL instructional coach at one of thoseschools, Austin High School. Here’s one of his grit lessons: Take a piece of paperand draw a big square. Divide that intoquarters. Divide those into quarters.How many squares to you have?“The non-gritty say 16 and put theirheads down,” Keeth says. “Kids who aregritty see the whole thing is a square,so 17. And I guess each of the boxes is asquare, so 21. Then there’s a square inthe middle, so 22. Then each side hasfour more, so 26. There are three-by-three squares, four of those, so thereare 30.“I give a prize to the kid who findsthe 30 squares.Was it intelligence that enabled this student to see how many squares there were? Was it that he knew the answer? No. What caused him to accomplish this task differently than everybody else in the room? The answer is he persevered. He was willing to challenge himself to push through to­ find more squares. That’s what grit is.” More than 200 teachers have visited Austin ISD’s SEL program in the past year, observing what teachers like Keeth are doing. SELs don’t call such lessons “character,” as Martin, Angela and other researchers do. But the life lessons are quite similar.​“We have a lesson in kindergartenon how we feel feelings in our bodies.Anger feels different than embarrassed,”Sherrie says. “In middle school, we havelessons about whether bullying can everbe an accident. In high school, we talkabout setting goals and making plans.All along the way, you have lessons inmanaging your own emotions. How do you handle anger, disappointment?How do you keep going? How do you joina group on the playground? How do youuse self-talk to keep going on somethingthat’s hard?”That’s where the grit comes in.“Your classroom teacher can say inmath class, ‘When I get to a problemthat makes me really want to give up, I really have to use some self-talk to say:‘I know how to do this. I can do this,’ ”Sherrie says. “Having the classroomteachers introduce the curriculumreally lets us work on that integration of learning throughout the school.”Austin’s goal is to eventually have“self-talk” on the day’s agenda, just likefractions. For now, though, the skills are woven into traditional academic lessonsas they are written by theSELteam.For example, while working on a scienceexperiment, students are instructed towork on making sure everybody gets aturn to talk. At the end of the lesson,students are asked to rate themselves ona scale of 1 to 5 on how they did withletting everyone talk and are asked torate their groups.“We make it visible,” Sherrie says.Resilience at KIPPTrinity Mann is in her second year at theKIPPIn­finityMiddle School in New York City. The sixth-grade student struggledat her previous magnet school, so much sothat her confidencewas shaken, says hermom, Nicole.“If she would take a test and felt she gotone wrong, she was defeated,” Nicole says.“And for the rest of the test, even if sheknew the material, she’d already given up.”Nicole called it Trinity’s need to “snapback.” The Knowledge Is Power Program(KIPP) calls it her grit.Dave Levin and Mike Feinberg foundedKIPPin a Houston public school classroomof 47 kids in 1994. Today,KIPPis a publiccharter school with 141 campuses nationwide,serving 50,000 students in 20 states andWashington, D.C.KIPProlled out a morestructured character strength program inNew York City in 2009.KIPPfocuses on the seven characterstrengths Dave developed with Angelaand Chris Peterson, Ph.D.: grit,zest, self-control, social intelligence,gratitude, optimism and curiosity.Trinity has lessons in grit onTuesdays and Thursdays. But she usesthose lessons every day, according toher mother, who says she’s seen an 80to 90 percent improvement in Trinity’sability to snap back since she startedattendingKIPPIn­finity. She shows gritin everything from math to dance.When Trinity was in the ­fifthgrade,she told her non­fictionteacher atKIPP she didn’t feel con­fident about her classwork. “He pushed me to dobetter, and I actually made a goodgrade,” she says. “And that wasmy goal.”Why is grit important to her?Because she wants to get into a topcollege, not just a college. That’s just what Dave had in mind back when hecreated the character program.“We always said our mission wascharacter and academic skills for collegeand life,” Dave says. “Anyone who spendsany time teaching or with kids knowsthat issues like self-control and grit andgratitude are important things to talk tokids about. Yet, we really didn’t know thescience behind it.”That was until Dave met Martinand Angela. “We’re working on goingbeyond the language of grit and lookingat the actual behaviors associated with it….I think that reallyclari­fiesfor people what grit really means,” Dave says.KIPP focuses on ­fivegrit-speci­fic behaviors: finishwhat you begin,stick with an activity for more than afew weeks, try hard after failure, staycommitted to goals and keep workinghard, even when you feel like quitting.“What you’re really trying to get kids to do is understand that there are repeatable behaviors that they can do to be gritty,” he says. “You’re alsotrying to work with teachers on how to structure your classroom and yourschools to create situations where kidsget to do these repeatable behaviors.For example, do students haveenough structure to sustain rigorous,independent practice in class—timeby themselves or with another student,working independent of a teacher—tokeep going?”Speci­fic to Angela’s research,KIPPschools are asking teachers to increasethe amount of independent practicewithin their lessons and to work onbuilding stamina for reading.“That requires workingindependently with focus, not givingup when you get frustrated,” Daveexplains. “We’re intentionally teachingkids strategies to build their stamina,while, as the kids get older, we’reteaching them short- and long-termgoal-setting. When kids receive theirtests back in, say, math class, some ofour teachers are having kids creategoals for the next week: ‘How am Igoing to study for next week’s test?What am I going to do differently?’"VIA Institute onCharacterMartin’s work with VIA resultedin the classi­fication of 24 characterstrengths.KIPP narrowed the 24 down to the ones with the strongest correlation toacademic achievement. VIA’s approach is similar, but focuses on the concept of “signature strengths.” “Each of us has a unique constellation of strengths,” VIA consultant Mark explains. “How can we help each student and teacher understand their own strengths pro­file? How do they use that pro­file to learn, achieve, connect with others? Ourapproach is respecting the individualcontent of each person’s character andshining a light on that.”The Newark Boys Chorus School,Shanghai American School and BellaVista Elementary School have usedVIA’s character strength approach.Jennifer Fisher, who taught ­first grade at Shanghai’s American Schoolwhen the school introduced VIAcharacter strengths into the curriculum,started the conversation during readingtime, highlighting strengths in thepicture book’s characters: “A word like‘perseverance,’ it’s a very big word. Butif you explain it to them and that itmeans you keep trying and you don’t give up, they’ll remember theword—‘perseverance.’ ”Mark doesn’t necessarily thinkgrit is more important for academicachievement today than it was 50 years ago. Students today facedifferent challenges. “While I think the ‘grit formula’ hasalways been in play, it may have greaterrelevance for students today simplybecause the opportunities to make one’smark seem to be somewhat more limitedthan they were at one time, due totechnology, a shrinking workforce, etc.,”he says. “When competition increases,perhaps grit becomes a more valuablecommodity. From an evolutionarystandpoint, this certainly makes sense.”Can You Make KidsMore—or Less—Gritty?Resilience education, as taught throughthe Penn Resiliency Program, focuseson six strengths: emotional competence,self-control, problem-solving anddecision-making, social awareness,social competence, self-ef­ficacy andrealistic optimism.Gregory’s research indicates resiliencyis at least malleable, “making it a primetarget for interventions.”“The breadth of places where grit hasproved impactful is really incredible,”Dave says. “There are differentchallenges faced at different ages inpeople of different backgrounds, butsome of these character skills remain thesame. The frustrations and challengesaffluent kids or low-income kids facemay look different from time to time,yet both sets of kids need to be ableto get over their frustrations, to workindependently and focus. I think that’swhy Angela’s research is so powerfuland why so many people are so into itright now.”Are overly involved “helicopterparents” parenting in a way that’s counterproductive to the importance of developing grit in their kids? Maybe.“One way to think about it thatI share with parents and teachers isthat it is always safe to fail around thework kids are doing,” Dave says. “It isalways safe for kids to make mistakesin the essay they’re writing or the mathproject they’re doing or when learning to play the piano or violin. Mistakes areactually there for learning.”Sherrie agrees: “It is critical we teachthe kids, ‘You can do this yourself.’ ”In April, Austin ISD’s Keethspoke at a congressional hearing inWashington, D.C., hosted by theCommittee for Children on the topic ofteaching character strengths like grit inschool. His goal was not for parents towish their kids were in his classroom,but that his lessons were in everystudent’s classroom.“Everybody is all about the commoncore, math scores, biology scores,” hesays. “They don’t realize that it’s lessonslike this—like grit and mindset—thatmake all of those things better. Whenyou teach a kid to persevere, that you’renot born with math skills, that kidachieves way more. And that’s whenscores go up.”
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Gretchen Rubin in Central Park

6 Tips That Help Me Be the Parent I Want to Be

We all want to be calm,cheerful, light-hearted andfun-loving for our families.But in the tumult of everyday life,it’s easy to fall short. In those times,remember this: Though you can’tmake your children happy—they haveto figure it out for themselves—youcan influence your family’s happiness.Here are just a few strategies Iuse to cultivate an atmosphere oflove and happiness at home:1. Get enough sleepIf I want to be cheerful, energetic andmentally sharp for my family, I have toget enough sleep. After always beingstrict with my daughters’ bedtimes,I realized that, like most adults, I needat least seven hours of sleep each nightto function at my highest level, and nowI work hard to meet that minimum.2. Get up earlyA few years ago, because I wanted acalmer, less hurried morning with myfamily, I started getting up earlier. Now,I get up an hour before my children,giving me a chance to work at my desk,have coffee and check email before it’stime to roust everyone out of bed.3. Instill outer order to create inner calmI find that when I take the time tohang up a coat or close a drawer,I feel more energetic and cheerful asI engage with my family. After I tackleclutter, I feel less hurried because I canfind and stow things easily. Havingmore order in my cabinets and closetsmakes me feel more energetic andcheerful as I engage with my family.4. Follow the 1-minute ruleIt’s simple: If I can accomplish a taskin less than a minute, I do it withoutdelay. If I can read and sign a letterfrom a teacher, answer an email,look for the scissors, I go aheadand do it. Because the tasks are soquick, it isn’t hard to make myselffollow the rule—but it makes me feelmore serene, less overwhelmed.5. Give warm greetings and farewellsThe way we act toward one anothershapes the way we feel about oneanother, so my family follows aresolution: Give warm greetingsand farewells. Every time one of us comes or goes, we go to the door andgive that person a kiss, a hug anda real moment of our attention.6. Remember to cherish todayI’m reminded of something the writerColette said: “What a wonderful life I’vehad! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.”When I feel overwhelmed or annoyedby parenting responsibilities, I remind myself that one day, I’ll look back on thisseason of my life with great nostalgia.How about you? What strategiesdo you use to help yourself be thekind of parent you want to be? Let us know in the Comments section, below, or on our Facebook page.GRETCHEN RUBIN is the best-selling author of The Happiness Projectand Happier at Home, and is currently working on her latest book, Before and After, scheduled for release in 2015. She is considered one of the most influential writers on happiness today, and has become an in-demand speaker and keynoter.Gretchen has also made appearances on the Today show, CBS Sunday Morning and Booknotes. You can readabout Gretchen’s adventures in the pursuit of happiness and habits on her blog at GretchenRubin.com.
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Nice woman at work

Are You a Giver?

Sharing and giving with others shows strength, not weakness, at workI once had a boss sit me down to explain that the only negative feedback he had about my performance was that people thought I was “too nice.” I nearly fell off my chair.For one thing, I didn’t think I was really that nice. Sure, I was always happy to support, encourage and appreciate others whenever I could, but I hadn’t survived a decade in senior leadership roles without making the tough calls, and I had the scars to prove it.Second, I couldn’t imagine being “too nice” was something that could undermine my performance or hamper my career. Was this code for the fact I wasn’t seen as masculine enough? Was I was beingnaïve?Do nice guys finish last?Some studies have suggested that those of us who enjoy helping others and expect nothing in return do indeed often fall to the bottom of the success ladder.Those who are too caring, too trusting and too willing to sacrifice their own interests for the benefits of others, on average, mayearn less money, and arejudged as less powerful and dominant by their colleaguesbecause they’re more likely to forgo their own interests for the benefit of others.Matchers, givers and takersLuckilyprofessor Adam Grant of the Wharton School of Business has written a bestselling book, Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Successwhich explores the concept of three different personality types—givers, takers andmatchers—and how they interact in the workplace.Grant has found a growing body of evidence across a wide variety of industries to show that givers not only have the potential to rise to the top of the business ladder—they may even have an advantage.According to Grant, matchers look for an even exchange of favors, while takers primarily look out for themselves. Givers, on the other hand, create a ripple effect with the help and support they offer others, which eventually has a way of cycling back around. In the meantime, these people are widening their circle of associates and creating a deep well of good will. (Some would even call it good karma.)Be a giver—with boundariesGrant identifies three strategies successful givers useto ensure they don’t burn out or become push-overs.First, they limit their availability by setting boundaries on when, how and whom they help. This allows them to protect their time and energy more carefully, and focus their giving in directions that will have the greatest impact.Second, they advocate for others and for themselves. They look to help others, but they also keep their own interests in the rearview mirror: They’re willing to fight for themselves when necessary.Third, they use empathy to open doors and identify win-win solutions that meet others’ needs without sacrificing their own.Embrace your nicenessDrawing on similar strategies, I decided to embrace my authentic “niceness,” ignore my boss’s feedback and get on with the job at hand. In less than a year my team and I went on to exceed every measure set from employee engagement to client awareness and preference. At the heart of our success lay “giver” attitudes and actions that won the hearts and minds of my company’s 6,500 employees.Once again I sat down with my boss.This time he sheepishly offered a promotion and a pay raise in appreciation for the way my unique approach had paid off. And no, I wasn’t “too nice” to forgo a little victory dance when I got back into my office.Are you a giver, a matcher or a taker at work? How is your style impacting your success?MichelleMcQuaid, born and raised in Australia, is a best-selling author, and workplace and wellbeing coach.
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Bruce Feiler's book, The Secrets of Happy Families

Library—The Secrets of Happy Families

Want a happier family?Bruce Feiler’s The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Tell Your Family History, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much Moreis a guidebook full of tested ideasand tips. Bruce interviewedbusiness leaders in a varietyof fields to collect the bestteam-building and problem-solvingtechniques, andtried them out with his ownfamily.He suggests holding weekly family meetings andplaying a game to kick themoff. Ask three questions:What went well in the familythis past week? What couldwe do better? What thingswill we commit to workingon in the coming week?If kids tend to squabble at dinner, he suggests giving siblings a jointactivity 20 minutes prior tomealtime to reduce fights byreaffirming their connection.Are your kids not sharing?Dim the lights. Turns outmood lighting encourages social interaction andopen conversation.Instead of pushing sportson your child, Bruce advises,wait for your child to pushyou. Kids won’t learn howto drive themselves if theyare always driven by parents. In addition, he advises, don’t link allowanceto chores, so kids learnresponsibility is just partof being a family.There isno magic lever for happyfamilies, but families can make their own happiness with lots of micro-steps.
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Happy Mother's Day

9 Gifts for Mom on May 11

With so many holidays to remember each year, it’s no wonder that the occasional celebration escapes our notice. But of all holidays—religious, secular or totallymade-up—theone you least want to forget is Mother’s Day. So before May 11 arrives, we are giving you a subtle heads-up that you might want to start thinking about a gift. Here are some ideas that are sure to make her happy.Make a giftFirst and foremost, if you have a talent for crafting, knitting or creating bits and baubles, this is a great time to put it to use. Moms don’t stop loving our creations because we got older. The fact that you went to the trouble to make something yourself still counts for a lot.Have someone else make a giftIf crafting isn’t your thing, you can still get your mothersomething with artisanal charm fromEtsy.They carry pretty much everything, from jewelry to artwork to clothing, all made by hand.Feed your momIt’s hard to imagine a mom that would not appreciate a nice home-cooked meal. If you aren't the master chef type, taking her out to dinner is always a safe option.Give her a breakMany moms would appreciate the opportunity to enjoy a relaxing day either alone or with someone she loves and cares about. It could be a spa visit, a trip to a museum or just someplace you know she really loves.Give to a good causeWhat do you get for the mom who has everything? If your mother already has all thechotchkesshe can handle, consider donating a small sum to one of her favorite organizations.Keeping it simpleMother’s Day CardIf you are going for just a card only this year, make sure if it personal and beautiful (of funny and silly, depending on your mother’s personality). Write something that conveys your appreciation for all she does.Gift CardHere's a safe bet. If you aren’t sure what to get, but know where she likes to shop, give mom the opportunity to pick out her own gift and get exactly what she wants.A mug for momYou get the idea.If all else failsFlowers.
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New Issue of Live Hapy Magazine Reveals How Compassion Can Improve Wellbeing

Dallas, TX – May 6, 2014 – Considered one of the greatest virtues, compassion – the feeling of empathy for others – is the theme of Live Happy magazine’s May/June 2014 issue that hits stands today. Live Happy is the first ever lifestyle magazine to balance the science of positive psychology with the art of application, and as the new issue reveals, recent studies and scientific research confirm that people who practice compassion receive an array of benefits that go beyond simply feeling good.While Live Happy has offered in-depth celebrity interviews in its previous issues, this month marks its first celebrity feature cover with actor Chris O’Donnell. In “I am Happy,” O’Donnell, considered one of the nicest guys in show business, shares how he maintains his happiness throughout his life’s hectic journey, even with the demands of his large family and booming career.“May and June are the two months we celebrate mothers and fathers each year, and strong personal relationships between parents and children are a key ingredient to happiness,” adds Nickell. “Because of this, Live Happy not only share Chris’ insights on parenting, but also ways to thank parents and those in our lives – with something even as simple as giving a hug.”As always, Live Happy offers the “Live Happy Now” section and this month’s “Top Ten” article features the Top 10 American Summer Destinations. In addition, this issue’s “Profile” features the Dalai Lama on why he believes happiness, love, and compassion go hand in hand. Continuing its mission to make 2014 the “year of happiness” and empowering its readers to achieve authentic happiness by helping to incorporate practical tools into their lives, this issue of Live Happy also features 31 ways to “Be More Compassionate in May,” and readers can go to livehappy.com for 30 ideas on how to make June a month of giving as well.The May/June issue also marks bestselling author Gretchen Rubin as a regular Live Happy columnist. In her first column, the happiness expert shares her six tips for “Nurturing a Happy Family,” all of which personally help her be the parent she strives to be – from getting enough sleep, to living by the “one-minute” rule, to remembering to cherish each day.In addition, with summer vacations right around the corner, this year, instead of returning more stressed than when one left, columnists Michelle Gielan and positive psychology expert Shawn Achor share their tips for an energy-boosting vacation in “Tripped Up.” Being happy and well-vacationed should lead to a positive outcome, which will in turn benefit one’s work, company, and ultimately him or herself. In addition to his contribution to Live Happy’s current issue, Shawn also sits down with Oprah Winfrey on OWN’s Super Soul Sunday for a 2-part interview on May 25th and June 2nd to discuss his steps for achieving happiness.This issue’s feature article “Listening with Your Heart” explores new scientific studies and data regarding compassion: what it is, what it triggers in the human body, and how it affects each of us both physically and emotionally. The article also examines existing evidence that through breathing and meditation, individuals can actually change the brain’s biology to increase the acts of kindness that it triggers.The May/June issue of Live Happy features a myriad of other inspiring articles and features that reflect the theme of compassion as well, including:“The Promise of Positive Education” reveals evidence that character strengths such as grit, perseverance, and resilience have actually proven to be stronger predicators of success than IQ or the type of home someone grows up in.“Changing Lives” explores the mutual benefit of mentoring. Individuals, young and old alike, that have a caring mentor in their world usually do better in life, and having access to such an individual provides opportunities for mentees to achieve their goals and interests, and help them flourish.Not only can a quick siesta enhance one’s mood, but as “Nap Your Way Happy” reveals, a little daytime downtime can offer tremendous health benefits as well. From improving memory, to reducing stress, to strengthening the immune system, this article is a must-read for anyone who doesn’t want to feel guilty about briefly curling up on the couch.In “Embrace Your You,” regular columnist, psychotherapist, and relationship expert Stacy Kaiser offers a few easy steps that can help readers rid negative thoughts to embrace and nourish a more positive and accepting image of their own bodies.As every article in the May/June 2014 issue of Live Happy reveals, practicing self-compassion and kindness towards others are among life’s most important and rewarding experiences, and will profoundly help readers in their ever-evolving pursuit of happiness.# # #About Live HappyLive Happy LLC is dedicated to promoting and sharing authentic happiness through education, integrity, gratitude, and community awareness. Headquartered in Dallas, Texas, its mission is to impact the world by bringing the happiness movement to a personal level and inspiring people to engage in living purpose-driven, healthy, meaningful lives.Media Inquiries:Rachel AlbertKrupp Kommunicationsralbert@kruppnyc.com(212) 886-6704
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Teenager rolling her eyes, parents in background

Overparenting Anonymous

I’ve written these steps to provide encouragement to well-intentioned, devoted, loving, intelligent parents who feel powerless to stop themselves from overindulging, overprotecting, and overscheduling their children. Parents who get jittery if their offspring aren’t performing at a high level in every area. And parents who have unwittingly allowed traits like self-reliance, resilience, accountability and a spirit of adventure to slip to the bottom of their parenting priority list.1. Don’t confuse a snapshot taken today with the epic movie of your child’s life.Kids go through phases. Glorious ones and alarming ones.2. Don’t fret over or try to fix what’s not broken.Accept your child’s nature even if he’s shy, stubborn, moody, or not great at math.3. Look at anything up close and you’ll see the flaws.Consider it perfectly normal if you like your child’s friends better than you like your child.4. Work up the courage to say a simple “no.”Don’t try to reach consensus every time.5. Encourage your child to play or spend time outside using all five senses in the three-dimensional world.How come only troubled rich kids get to go to the wilderness these days? Send your kids to camp for the longest stretch of time you can afford. Enjoy nature together as a family.6. Don’t mistake children’s wants with their needs.Don’t fall for a smooth talker’s line about the urgent need for a cell phone “in case of an emergency, Mom!” or a new car “because it’s so much safer than your old van.” Privileges are not entitlements.7. Remember that kids are hardy perennials, not hothouse flowers.Let them be cold, wet, or hungry for more than a second and they’ll appreciate the chance to be warm, dry, and fed.8. Abstain from taking the role of Sherpa, butler, crabby concierge, secret police, short order cook, or lady’s maid. Your child is hard-wired for competence. Let them do things for themselves.9. Before you nag, remind, criticize, advise, chime in, preach, or over-explain, say to yourself “W.A.I.T.” or “Why am I talking?”Listen four times more than you talk.10.Remember that disappointments are necessary preparation for adult life.When your child doesn’t get invited to a friend’s birthday party, make the team, or get a big part in the play, stay calm. Without these experiences she’ll be ill-equipped for the real world.11.Be alert but not automatically alarmed.Question yourself. Stop and reflect: Is this situation unsafe or just uncomfortable for my child? Is it an emergency or a new challenge?12.Learn to love the words “trial” and “error.”Let your child make mistakes before going off to college. Grant freedom based on demonstrated responsibility and accountability, not what all the other kids are doing.13.Don’t be surprised or discouraged when your big kid has a babyish tantrum or meltdown.Don’t confuse sophistication with maturity. Setbacks naturally set them back. They set us back too, but we can have a margarita.14.Allow your child to do things that scare you.Don’t mistake vulnerability for fragility. If you want her to grow increasingly independent and self-confident, let her get her learner’s permit when she comes of age; don’t offer a nuanced critique of her best friend or crush.15.Don’t take it personally if your teenager treats you badly.Judge his character not on the consistency of in-house politeness, clarity of speech, or degree of eye contact but on what teachers say, whether he’s welcomed by his friends’ parents, and his manners towards his grandparents, the neighbors, salespeople and servers in restaurants.16.Don’t automatically allow your child to quit.When she lobbies passionately against continuing an activity or program that “isn’t how I thought it would be!” it’s tempting to exhaust yourself selling him on the benefits. Instead remind yourself that first impressions are not always enduring; that a commitment to a team or group is honorable; and that your investment (of time and/or money) is not to be taken for granted. But do take her reasoned preferences into account when making future plans.17.Refrain from trying to be popular with your children just because your parents weren’t as attuned to your emotional needs as you might have wished.Watch out for the common parental pattern ofnice, nice, nice…furious!18.Avoid the humblebrag parent lest you begin to believe that your child is already losing the race.Remind yourself that kids’ grades, popularity or varsity ranking are not a measure of your worth as a parent (nor theirs as people). Recognize that those other parents are lying.19.Wait at least 24 hours before shooting off an indignant email to a teacher, coach, or the parent of a mean classmate. Don’t be a “drunk texter.”Sleep on it.20.Consider the long-term consequences of finding workarounds for the “no-candy-in-camp-care-packages” rule.If you demonstrate that rules are made to be broken and shortcuts can always be found, you have given your child license to plagiarize or cheat on tests.21.Maintain perspective about school and college choices. Parents caught up in the admissions arms race forget that the qualities of the student rather than the perceived status of the school are the best predictor of a good outcome.22.Treat teachers like the experts and allies they are.Give your child the chance to learn respect. It’s as important a lesson as Algebra 2. Remember how life-changing a good relationship with a teacher can be.23.Praise the process and not the product.Appreciating your child’s persistence and hard work reinforces the skills and habits that lead to success far more than applauding everyday achievements or grades.24.If you want your child to be prepared to manage his future college workload and responsibilities, take care before you hire a tutor, a private coach, or college application consultant.There’s no room for all of them in a dorm room.25.Rather than lurking, snooping, sniping or giving up, practice sensible stewardship of your child’s online activities.Evaluate her level of self-respect and good judgment in other areas.26.Treat ordinary household chores and paid jobs as more important learning opportunities than jazzy extracurriculars. With real-world experience, your child will develop into an employable (and employed) adult. That said, accept that older children will get chores done on AST (Adolescent Standard Time).
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