Actress Jillian Rose Reed

Jillian Rose Reed Is Happily Connected

After five years on the successful MTV teen dramedy Awkward as the quirky best friend Tamara and as the voice of Naomi in Disney Channel’s latest animated series Elena of Avalor, Jillian Rose Reed has mastered the art of friendship in her performances. Whether it is art imitating life or vice versa, having valuable friendships is something that is important to her. “I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have my friends to cheer me up when I’m down, make me laugh or act crazy with,” she says. “I think it’s important to connect with others. People need people.” She also reciprocates that behavior by making herself available for those in need. “No one can get through life alone; that would be terrible.” An advocate for giving back, Jillian also works with charitable organizations such as DoSomething.org, Breaking the Chains and the American Diabetes Association. Her brother Matt suffers from Type 1 diabetes. “Using my platform as an actress to educate young people on the importance of getting involved in something they’re passionate about is something I take very seriously,” she says. Live Happy recently caught up with the young actress to find out what makes her smile. LH: HOW DO YOU LIVE HAPPY? JRR: I live happy by doing things that make me happy and by surrounding myself with people who make me happy. I do things for myself like work out...or eat french fries! And I’m constantly around friends and family who are uplifting. WHO HAS TAUGHT YOU THE MOST ABOUT HAPPINESS? Everyone in my life is extremely positive, but I think I mostly figured out happiness on my own. I’m not sure you can teach that. I had to grow up and find what makes me happy. HOW DO YOU MAKE OTHERS CLOSE TO YOU HAPPY? I’m pretty much available 24/7. Even if I’m not physically there, I can always be reached. I make sure my friends know they can always call me if they need advice. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED OUT LOUD AND WHAT PROMPTED IT? I had dinner with a great friend today. We laugh about everything! WHAT IS YOUR GO-TO BOOK, MOVIE OR TV SHOW TO LIFT YOUR MOOD? I love the TV show Friends. I’m the girl with all the seasons on DVD. It’s definitely my go-to. WHAT IS THE KINDEST ACT SOMEONE HAS EVER DONE FOR YOU? Little things mean more to me than big gestures. If I call a friend when I need a shoulder to lean on, and they pick up, that’s the kindest thing. WHAT ARE YOU PASSIONATE ABOUT? I’m passionate about being creative, about food, about my family and my love life. WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF A PERFECT DAY? It would be spent on set shooting a project I’m passionate about. But, if I’m not working, then I’d say it would start with a killer workout, a good lunch and hanging with my family and my boyfriend. Chris Libby is the Section Editor for Live Happy magazine.
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Happy mom and daughter blowing bubbles outside.

How You Can Inspire Happiness in Others

A few years ago, Shawn Achor and Michelle Gielan, a married pair of happiness researchers and Live Happy contributors, produced a PBS program dedicated to research that shows happiness is a choice. The studies they shared explained how a positive brain can increase your energy by 31 percent, triple your creativity, significantly boost your intelligence and even improve your health. In spite of all these benefits, however, it can be hard to stay happy when others around you are negative or stressed. This December, PBS will begin broadcasting Shawn and Michelle’s new program,Inspire Happiness, on how you can help make the people close to you happier and more positive—and in doing so, also make it easier for you to find happiness. Recently, Live Happy CEO and Editorial Director Deborah Heisz sat down with the couple to discuss their powerful new research. DEBORAH: Can you tell us why the focus of your research recently shifted? MICHELLE: We’ve come to see that making others happier is the primary way we can create and sustain real meaning and happiness for ourselves. We all have someone in our lives who is struggling. We’ve tried to help that person feel happier. We want our spouse to think that happiness is a choice. We want our parents to be optimistic about their future. We want our kids to feel strong and confident. But when it doesn’t work, we start to believe we can’t change others. SHAWN: Society says you can’t change other people so don’t even try. But I know that’s wrong, not only because of the researchbut also because of what I have seen watching my father since I was young. Earlier this year, after 38 years of being a neuroscience professor, my father retired. His research from early in his career helped start the entire neuroscience field. But my father never made the rank or pay of a full professor. Instead of focusing on research, he accepted five times the number of advisees as the average professor. My father, like many people, chose impact over pay and prestige. While he sent hundreds of students to medical school, he also sat with crying students who didn’t get in. And he showed them how they could find different and perhaps better paths. He successfully shifted the mindsets of other people—helping them think in happier, more constructive ways. While I was speaking at his retirement, our 2-year-old son, Leo, ran up to the stage, and I held him for the second half of the talk. Here I was, a proud son talking about his father, and also a proud father holding his son, and things started to make sense in a new way. I thought I already wanted everything for Leo—to be happy, creative, a bright light. But as I reflected on my father while holding my son, I realized that I want too little for my son. I don’t just want him to be happy; I want him to make everyone around him happier. I don’t just want him to be creative; I want him to make everyone around him more creative. I don’t just want him to be a bright light; I want him to also make others shine brighter. True potential is not measured just by your own attributes, but by how much power you have to change others. We can impact people’s happiness in dramatic ways and transform their lives’ trajectories." —Shawn Achor DEBORAH: And studies from positive psychology—both your own and from other researchers in the  field—support the fact that changing others is possible? MICHELLE: In one example, researchers at University of California, Riverside, found that if you have three people in a room, two of the people will be influenced by the mood of the most expressive person in the room. The mood of three participants was tested before asking them to sit together for just two minutes without saying a word. After that, their moods were tested again. In repeated experiments, two of the participants experienced a change in mood—because of the third, more expressive person. If that person was frowning or crossing arms, the other two felt less happy. If the most expressive person was smiling or relaxed, it made the others feel more positive. DEBORAH: You share five research-based communication strategies in your PBS program to shift others’ mindsets to be more positive, empowered and resilient, especially in the face of adversity. Can you share one of them with us now? SHAWN: There are times when we want certain behaviors from other people—but some limiting thought is holding them back. For instance, your son is smart but clearly not applying himself when preparing for tests, or your spouse who used to help around the house has recently stopped. Instead of complaining, we’ve found in our research that the stronger approach is to compliment them for their good behaviors. Get them to see how they are actually a good student who works hard or a helper at home, and the more you strengthen that identity, the more likely they are to engage in these positive behaviors. MICHELLE: For one week, take a break from pointing out another person’s problems and instead launch what we call a “right” campaign. Call that person out for what he is doing right! Make his first thought about himself positive and active. Figure out how you want this person to change, and start encouraging him to see himself as that type of person. So who will you target with your right campaign? This approach works with bosses by pointing out how understanding they’ve been, or with your kids when you talk about how responsible they are. SHAWN: When we were putting Leo to bed, we found that it would backfire when we’d say, “OK, you HAVE to stay in your crib tonight.” His response would be, “Nope. Downstairs. Trucks.” Instead, we’ve found a lot of success by telling him what a good boy he is; what a good sleeper he is. He now goes to bed trying to live up to our high opinion of him instead of being determined to rebel against our demand. A University of Pennsylvania Wharton School of Business study found that the more you strengthen someone’s identity as a giver, the more generous he or she is in giving back to the school. This works in many domains of identity. Here is a quick video teaser of Shawn and Michelle's upcoming PBS show Inspire Happiness. Want to learn more? Sign up for Shawn and Michelle's "Wake Up & Inspire Happiness" Video Workshop at Broadcastinghappiness.com/happiness.
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Noah Galloway

Noah Galloway Is Living With No Excuses

Some people will bump up against a minor obstacle and find it overwhelming, while others can survive horrific circumstances and embrace life in the aftermath with incredible courage and fierce determination. Noah Galloway is firmly in the second camp. A member of the Army’s 101st Airborne Division, Noah was three months into his second tour of duty during Operation Iraqi Freedom in December 2005 when he was severely injured by an improvised explosive device (IED). He lost his left arm above the elbow and his left leg above the knee; his right leg and jaw were badlyinjured. Having fought his way back from both the physical and mental wounds he sustained, the father of three is now a personal trainer, model and motivational speaker. Noah stars on Fox TV’s American Grit, where he and three other veterans lead teams competing in a series of challenges modeled after military training exercises. “I love working with people, so that excited me, and it’s been absolutely amazing,” he says. He also garnered national attention for his inspiring performances on season 20 of ABC’s Dancing with the Stars, where he finished third with professional dance partner Sharna Burgess. “I’m always pushing people to take on challenges with no excuses,” Noah says, “and I can’t think of anything more challenging than dancing in front of 15 million people on television. So I thought, ‘If I’m going to talk the talk, I better walk the walk.’ ” Connections count Still, the role he relishes most in life is being a dad to sons Colston, 11, and Jack, 8, and 6-year-old daughter Rian—tossing a Frisbee, going fishing or just hanging outdoors. Jack recently had an assignment at school to write a report on an influential figure and present it as that person. “They were all lined up in the hallway and they gave their little speech,” Noah says. “Some were presidents. One was Elvis Presley. My son chose to be Noah Galloway. It’s choking me up just talking about it. When I walked into the hallway and saw him, it was everything I could do not to cry. If my 15 minutes are up, and nobody ever wants to talk to me again, that’s  ne as long as I’ve done right by my kids.” Noah says his children continue to motivate him to try new things and are his greatest joy in life. “I think of them first in every decision I make, and I make sure that whatever I’m doing is going to benefit them in some way. No matter what a bad day I’m having, one of them is going to say or do something that is going to cheer me up.” He adds that the relationship he has with them is stronger because of what he’s been through. Finding purpose “When I woke up in the hospital I was unaware what had happened,” the 34-year-old recalls of that Christmas Eve 11 years ago. “My parents were walking into the room. I saw them and knew that I was somewhere safe or they would not be there. I had no idea what condition I was in, and it was my mom who told me that I had lost my arm and my leg.” The Birmingham, Alabama, native enlisted in the Army after Sept. 11, 2001, wanting to serve his country. Noah has no regrets about that decision, but after he was injured he struggled with depression. His first marriage crumbled, and he spent a lot of time smoking, drinking and sleeping. His second marriage also ended. “I went through a couple years of depression. I felt like I had no purpose,” he says. “I never regretted going into the military or what happened to me. [I was] a little upset I lost two limbs, but I think what terrified me was the future. “I didn’t know what it was. I like making sure I’m taking care of others, and I thought if I was injured, I couldn’t do that. Once I realized I still needed to be a father to my children, then I had purpose again. I found that even with my injury, I wanted to help other people; I get that from my mom. Once I got that sense of purpose back, my life turned back around. Everything has just gotten better and better with each day.” Noah emphasizes that you don’t have to lose two of your limbs to experience depression. “It is real,” he says. “The mind is a very complex organ. If I break my leg, I’d go to the doctor. It baffles me that here it is 2016 and it’s not completely socially acceptable for someone to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist.” Noah’s parents also gave him a positive foundation and were great examples of how to flourish despite life’s many challenges. He acknowledges that his dad’s life helped prepare him for his circumstances. “My father has one arm. When he was 18, he worked in a plant and lost his arm,” Noah says. “I’ve never seen him with two hands. He doesn’t wear a prosthetic and he’s done construction my entire life, so I learned there’s no reason you can’t do something. My father just kept driving on even with an injury that could have stopped someone else, and he took on manual labor. He didn’t want to sit in an office at a desk. Seeing all that growing up definitely played a huge part in who I am today.” Walking the walk Noah created the No Excuses Charitable Fund to raise money and awareness for causes dear to his heart—Operation Enduring Warrior, the YMCA in Alabaster, Alabama, and Homes for Our Troops, which provides specially adapted homes for injured veterans. “Since my injury, I have worked with so many different organizations and people who have been so supportive of me,” he says. “I don’t think it’s right to go up the ladder alone. You take as many people as you can with you, and so many people have been there for me. I wanted to do something that was giving back. “Life isn’t going to be perfect and things are going to happen,” Noah says. “But when you figure out how to work around those things, it actually makes life more enjoyable. You learn, and that’s what life is about.” Noah Galloway’s book, Living With No Excuses: The Remarkable Rebirth of an American Soldier, was published in August by Hachette Book Group.
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Mayim Bialik on magazine cover.

Mayim Bialik Comes Clean in Latest Issue of Live Happy Magazine

Live Happy’s holiday December issue—its largest, most joy-filled and possibly the nerdiest to date—offers dozens of merry-making and entertainment suggestions as the winter party season approaches. It also reveals the captivating research behind what your brain looks like on happiness, sharing tips for readers to explore how meditation, sleep, food, smell and even language affect well-being. The issue also offers insight into the meaningful social connections in our lives and how giving according to our values brings joy and satisfaction. What’s buzzing around in Mayim’s brain? Actress Mayim Bialik not only plays a neurobiologist on the hit TV series, The Big Bang Theory—she actually earned a doctorate in neuroscience in real life. Mayim credits a talented tutor on the set of Blossom for inspiring her passion for science, and talks to Live Happy about her pride at hearing that young girls view her and her colleagues as positive role models for pursuing scientific careers. She also describes her “perfectly imperfect” life where doing laundry, washing dishes and home-schooling the kids brings daily joy and satisfaction. Is your dog happier than you? Dog whisperer and canine philosopher king Cesar Millan fills us in on how he maintains a happily balanced life (hint: being surrounded by dogs is a big part of it). What happens in vagus… If you think happiness is all in your mind, you’re on the right track. Live Happy takes the secrecy out of what goes on upstairs through the brain’s “love” or vagus nerve. We demonstrate happiness hacks from scientists and authors in each of five areas: meditation, sleep, food, language and even scents. Listen to Live Happy CEO and Editorial Director Deborah K. Heisz discuss the happiness and brain science in our latest Live Happy Now podcast! A new kind of community A new kind of communal living is popping up around the country. Not the hippie yurt camps of the 1970s, but a new take on the concept of a community that shares and looks out for one another yet still maintains a modern semblance of privacy and propriety. Writer Shelley Levitt gets an insider’s look at this relatively new phenomenon. Friendship: It's just what the doctor ordered In good times and bad times, friendships play a key part in our well-being. Find out about the latest research as well as moving stories that illuminate the central role that close bonds and social relationships play in our lives. From BFFs to workplace acquaintances, people need other people. Detroit’s thriving Eastern Market Our big cities sometimes get a bad rap. Find out about a thriving farmers market in the center of Detroit where everyone comes together to shop, eat local and share in good company. Plus you'll find four expert-tested gratitude rituals to amp up your well-being, and 33 can’t miss ideas for blowout fall and winter fun. Happy reading! Live Happy is available on newsstands at major retailers throughout the U.S., including Barnes & Noble, Whole Foods and Hudson News, and in Canada at Presse Commerce newsstands, among others. Live Happy’s award-winning digital edition is available from the App Store and on Google Play, and current subscribers receive complimentary access on their tablet devices and smartphones. Separate digital subscriptions are available for $9.99. To find out where you can find the print edition in a store or newsstand near you, go to magfinder.magnetdata.net.
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Live Happy Brain Hacks

5 Happiness Hacks for Your Brain

If you think happiness is all in your mind, you’re on the right track. “The mind is an expression of brain function,” explains Daniel Amen, a psychiatrist and 10-time New York Times best-selling author. How your mind and brain interact is crucial to happiness, so Daniel is on a mission to make people more aware of how to better care for their brains. “The idea is to get people to fall in love with their brain, then create a plan to take care of it. We want people to love their brains the way a parent loves a child—to be loving, thoughtful and responsible about caring for it.” To do that, we have to understand more about how the brain works and what role it plays in our happiness. A key player in the equation is the vagus nerve, that large nerve that starts in your brain and runs throughout your body. Often called “the love nerve” because it’s interconnected with our oxytocin networks, it helps us communicate and empathize with others. When we take a deep breath and our heart rate slows, that’s the vagus nerve in action. It counteracts inflammation, improves memory and bolsters our body’s immune function. People with stronger vagal nerve responses have better connections with others and stronger social support networks; they are compassionate and tend to experience more positive emotions than those with weaker vagal nerve responses, according to Dacher Keltner, Ph.D., author of Born to Be Good and founding director of the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley. Regardless of where you are in your happiness journey, you can improve your brain function—and boost your level of happiness—with a few simple tweaks. Path 1) Meditation: Something to think about Meditation has certainly earned its reputation as a powerful tool for cultivating a sense of calm, compassion and happiness. “Meditation activates the prefrontal cortex, which is the most human, caring part of our brains,” Daniel says. “It can calm the limbic emotional structures in your mind. People think it will be hard and they can’t do it, but it’s not…and there are so many benefits to it.” Research shows that an active meditation practice can help with emotional self-regulation and improve focus. It can lead to higher functioning of the brain and central nervous system, reduce anxiety and depression, protect us from cognitive decline and even reduce certain biological markers of disease progression. Meditation also increases vagal tone, which affects how well we connect with others. And, according to a study led by Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, the greater the vagal tone, the lower the risk for cardiovascular disease and the stronger our immune function. Meditation Hacks: 1. Give it three weeks Sign up for a free 21-day online course of your choice to get in the habit of meditating every day. 2. Get appy Download a meditation app such as Buddhify or Headspace to help guide you through meditations. 3. Take a hike Try a walking meditation. Leave the phone behind, walk outside and mindfully notice the sights, sounds and scents of nature. 4. Enlist your dog (or cat or bunny or hamster) Petting a beloved animal is perhaps one of the most enjoyable meditations you can practice. Focus on the act of petting the animal while slowing your breath; both you and your pet will receive a flood of feel-good endorphins. 5. Schedule it Putting time for meditation on your calendar makes you more likely to follow through. Path 2) Sleep: We’re Just Not Getting It It seems we spend more time talking about what we’re doing in bed than we actually spend doing it. Thousands of books have been written about today’s sleep-deprived world, and no fewer than 150 medical journals are devoted to the topic of sleep and sleep disorders. The bottom line? Losing shut-eye has a direct effect on our happiness. Research by Matthew Walker, Ph.D., a neuroscientist at the University of California, Berkeley, found a sleep-deprived brain quickly reverts to primitive behavior and makes our emotional behavior irrational. He also found that sleep loss affects memory and learning, and impedes the immune system’s ability to repair itself. “Sleep is restorative,” explains Joseph Cardillo, Ph.D., author and research associate at the Mind-Body Science Institute International. “We need it to control our happiness. If we don’t get enough sleep, or the right kind of sleep, we wake up anxious or with a jumpy energy.” Whether or not our vagus nerve is getting sufficient stimulation directly affects how well we sleep, according to Mladen Golubic, Ph.D., of the Center for Integrative & Lifestyle Medicine at the Cleveland Clinic. That’s because a stimulated vagal nerve releases anti-stress hormones that make it easier to get a good night’s sleep. (You can stimulate it through deep breathing for about 10 minutes.) Setting the stage for your mind to get a good night’s sleep affects the quality of the sleep you get, too. That’s why watching the evening news or a violent movie right before hitting the hay isn’t a great idea. “If you fill your mind with anxiety-producing ideas, it’s working with stressful information while you sleep, so you aren’t getting the kind of psychological restoration you need,” Joseph says. He adds that studies show simply reading something with meaning can help us feel more “virtuous” and put us in the right frame of mind to fall asleep. As a result, we’ll wake up feeling healthier and happier the next day. Sleep Hacks: 1. Keep it cool Your body’s temperature drops when you sleep and this lowered temperature helps induce sleep. 2. Write it out Expressing your feelings in a journal instead of taking them to bed with you can cut down on the tossing and turning. 3. Go dark LED clocks and digital devices send out lights even when they’re technically turned off, and that can keep you from falling asleep. Pull the plug, cover the light with tape, or do whatever it takes to get rid of the glare. 4. Sound it out Listening to a soothing soundtrack can help you relax and fall asleep faster. 5. Breathe Deep belly breathing before going to sleep helps your entire body relax. Path 3) Food: Starved for Happiness Food choices play a huge role in our overall health, but most of us aren’t thinking about brain cells when we sit down to eat. As the main source of communication between the stomach and the brain, the vagus nerve plays a substantial role in the digestive process as well as in how we react to food choices. When the vagus nerve is out of whack, it can lead to digestive disorders or even conditions like anorexia and bulimia. In studies, individuals with stimulated vagus nerves were less likely to experience food cravings or overeat. “Most people simply haven’t considered how much food affects their emotional health,” explains Drew Ramsey, psychiatrist and author of Eat Complete. “People think there’s a single food they should add to their diet or stop eating that’s a miracle cure, but that’s not the case. It’s about your overall dietary patterns.” Eating for happiness means giving both your brain and your body what they need to function at their optimum health. We require certain nutrients to function at our best. “Omega-3 fats, zinc, magnesium and vitamin E are all critical brain nutrients that the majority of Americans aren’t meeting the recommended daily allowance (RDA) for,” Drew says. And that’s taking its toll. A diet high in processed foods and sugar is linked to mood disorders; a 2014 study led by Australia’s Felice N. Jacka at Deakin University (she is now also an honorary research fellow at the University of Melbourne) showed that subjects with an unhealthy diet were predisposed to develop depression. And a New Zealand study published in the European Journal of Clinical Nutrition found a solid link between a high-quality diet and positive emotional health in students. “Food is the most clear modifiable risk factor for both depression and dementia,” Drew says. “When you have low levels of B12 and omega-3s, your brain shrinks faster. Once you start making changes, you feel it. You are less sluggish, you sleep better, you feel better.” Repeatedly consuming the wrong foods leads to a chronic state of inflammation that contributes to disease. Making healthy changes to your diet can power up your immune system, keep your brain firing on all cylinders and make you feel happier. “The great thing is, it’s something you get to work on every day at every meal,” he says. “And it has a cumulative effect. When you end a week where you’ve made good food decisions, your brain is better nourished and you’re happier. It’s like night and day.” Food Hacks: 1. Get fat(s) The right fats are crucial for a happy, healthy brain. (Think olive oil, coconut oil and omega-3s.) 2. Eat a rainbow Add colorful fruits and vegetables to your diet…not just every day, but every meal. 3. Keep it natural Today’s foods are loaded with dyes, preservatives and trans fats that are bad for our waistlines and even worse for our brains. Avoid them. 4. Get nutty Nuts are linked to higher levels of serotonin, which makes you feel calmer and happier. 5. Go fish Seafood is loaded with healthy omega-3 fats as well as selenium, iodine, B12 and more. Path 4) Language: What Are Words For? We use words every day. We read them, speak them, sometimes shout them; what we’re failing to do, says Jeffrey Gignac, is think about them. “We overuse or misuse words because we don’t understand what they do,” explains Jeffrey, an expert in brainwave entrainment, which uses sound, light and electrical impulses to stimulate the brain into entering a specific state. “In recent years, neuroscience has [recognized] how language can program the subconscious brain. The role of the subconscious mind is to follow the direction of the conscious mind.” Learning to talk to our subconscious in healthy ways helps redirect the mental chatter that occurs in the backgrounds of our minds, regardless of whether we’re aware of it or not. Watching what we say and learning to put a positive spin on our language patterns can make the difference in the direction our thoughts and conversations go. “A lot of language has to do with intention, the order of words and emotionality,” Jeffrey says. “The way you choose your words changes the entire feeling about it.” In their book Words Can Change Your Brain, authors Andrew Newberg, a neuroscientist, and Mark Robert Waldman present research showing that positive words like “peace” and “love” promote cognitive functioning and strengthen the frontal lobe of the brain. Since the vagus nerve responds to our thoughts—and therefore our words—the use of positive words empowers it to send positive messages to our hearts as well as our heads. On the flip side, a single negative word sends the amygdala—also known as the brain’s fear center—into overdrive, releasing disruptive stress hormones that can shut down the logic and reasoning centers of the brain. We can offset some of the effects of negative language by holding a positive or optimistic word in our minds. This helps stimulate that happy, healthy frontal lobe activity. However, the first step, according to Jeffrey, is to understand the power of words and evaluate their use more carefully. Are you really dying to find out how that TV show ends? Is it truly killing you? Think about it and then decide if that’s the message you want your brain to send out to the rest of your body. “If people really make language important and start thinking about the effect it has on them and the people they’re interacting with every day, they can make monumental changes very easily,” Jeffrey says. “One of the biggest components of fear and anxiety and negative thinking is language.” Language Hacks: Five words to delete from your vocabulary, and why: 1. But When we hear “but,” our minds automatically negate what was said before that. 2. Should This pressure word can be interpreted as judgmental, and puts others on the defensive. 3. You Sure, this is an important pronoun, but when it’s used improperly it can quickly make other people feel like they have to defend themselves. 4. Need Another pressure word that triggers the fight or flight response in our brains. 5. Try Yoda said it best: “Do or do not. There is no try.” Path 5) Smell: Scents and Sensibilities All five senses contribute to our overall well-being, but smell is the first to get the brain’s attention. “Scent hits our memory banks faster than anything else,” explains Joseph Cardillo, Ph.D. “It’s the fastest-moving sensory detail we have.” That’s because we have 5 million to 6 million cells in our nasal passages standing by for one purpose: to detect odors. When we smell something, our brain processes it for taste and memory, while the vagus nerve sends an immediate signal to the stomach. Our physical reaction to scent is so powerful that studies have even used scents to control vagal activity as a means of regulating such things as blood pressure, body temperature and appetite. The chain reaction to smell happens in a millisecond and, before your brain can even process the name of the scent, it has triggered our limbic system, which is responsible for our basic emotions. If there’s a strong memory associated with the smell, the effects are even more dramatic. “Scents connected to the holidays are very powerful because we associate them with other holiday memories,” Joseph says. “Or if my wife wears the cologne she wore when we first started dating, it’s an aphrodisiac.” He says once we understand the power of smell, we can use it to boost our well-being. Studying for an exam with a certain scent in the room boosts our ability to memorize facts, research shows, and today more science is focusing on the effects of scent and how it can be used to regulate emotions. One Japanese study found that inhaling essential oils could help us relax. Joseph says that’s a simple but powerful tool to have on hand. “Say you’re heading into traffic and know you get stressed out by it; you can use scents that calm you down in the car,” he says, suggesting that people experiment individually with different scents in non-stressful situations to discover how they react. “As you get used to using scent to ramp up or calm down, it will work faster each time, because of the memory component,” he explains. “You’re creating new circuits in the brain and literally changing the way your brain operates in those situations.” Scent Hacks: 1. Make a list Create a scent “cheat sheet” to know what works for you. 2. Prime your environment Use scent to boost your learning power for work or school by diffusing a certain smell…then smelling it again immediately before making your presentation or taking a test. 3. Give yourself a boost Try using mint, eucalyptus and citrus scents to energize and uplift you. 4. Mellow out To calm down in a stressful situation, try using wood scents or lavender. 5. Create a memory/scent link Since scent and memory are so closely connected, intentionally use scents to “lock in” a new memory of something positive. You’ll then be able to revisit that new happy memory in an instant with a single whiff. Daniel Amen suggests we make “doing the right thing for our brains” our top priority. He and his wife, Tana Amen, will release their book The Brain Warrior's Way in November, which looks at how to boost your brain to improve your health, energy and mood. He says the time has come for us to rethink the role our brains play in our overall well-being and to start taking them seriously. “For a long time, nobody cared about brains because they couldn’t see them,” he says. “You can see wrinkles in your skin or fat around your belly; you can’t see what’s changing in your brain. But it’s the black box for everything else that’s happening inside of you.” Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy.
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Cute couple under covers

4 Ways to Reignite Your Relationship

My longtime friend Sara has been what most would call “happily married” for 10 years. She and her husband both work outside the home; they have one child and a couple of pets. Lately, she told me, she and her husband fall into bed at night, exhausted, and he leaves in the morning before she wakes up. Every weekend is filled with kid-related activities and household chores. Sara loves her husband but feels like they’ve become more roommates than partners. They rarely talk about anything other than “life logistics,” and their romantic life consists of an occasional goodbye kiss on the cheek or a tap on the shoulder. Don't neglect your primary relationship Sara’s situation is one I hear often in my practice as a therapist. We sometimes get so wrapped up in the chaos of everyday life that we miss out on truly connecting with our partners—the ones who we are supposed to connect with most! Based on my experience, the No. 1 reason couples disconnect is not because they’ve grown apart or are too busy but because they don’t invest the time and energy necessary to stay connected. The National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia in a 2012 study tested the importance of being connected in a relationship. Specifically, they found that date nights and designated couple time improved the success and quality of a relationship and even worked toward reducing stress. Read more: 10 Ways to Turn Around an Argument So Both Sides Win Even small connections count Of course, many of the couples I speak to claim that they simply do not have time for quality couple time. While taking a vacation alone together or spending three or four hours out on a regular date night are lovely ideas, something simpler can work almost as well. I’ve found that couples who take 20 to 30 minutes to connect three times a week with no distractions and no electronic devices are able to build a greater bond and feel many of the benefits of those who invest more time. As a first step, grab a glass of wine or a cup of tea and sit together on your porch or tucked into bed and just talk about things you are interested in or excited about. Avoid stressful discussions about money or dirty dishes left in the sink. Relationships are like any other important living thing—they need to be attended to, nurtured and cared for in order grow and thrive. Here are four ideas for you to start down the path of reconnection. 1. Create rules of connection When life gets busy, making plans to connect on a regular basis is key to reigniting and maintaining your intimate relationship. One couple I know cuddles every morning and every night they are together. This has become part of their routine, and even though sometimes they are both tired or rushed they set the alarm five minutes early or go to bed five minutes later to make sure that this happens. Another couple always walks the partner who is leaving to the car and gives a parting hug and kiss at the car door. This one extra minute of time is a nice way to connect before heading in separate directions. 2. Build in spontaneity and adventure While scheduled “together time” is important, you can also mix it up and keep things exciting with activities that are fun and spontaneous. Surprise your partner with a gourmet breakfast in bed. Crank up some great music and have an impromptu dance party in the middle of the kitchen. If you are more adventurous, train together for a marathon or try river rafting or bungee jumping as a weekend outing. 3. Make flirtation and intimacy a priority Send each other flirty texts or look through old photos of when you first met. Plan a date to go bowling or cruise Main Street to relive some of your first outings together. When it comes to sex and intimacy, find time for moments when you allow yourselves to get close physically—even if it is simply giving each other shoulder massages before bed. Couples always ask me about my view on scheduled intimacy, and I tell them that scheduled closeness is much better than no physical closeness at all! 4. Be interesting and interested One great way to connect with your partner is to be genuinely interested in what that person is thinking, feeling and doing. When your mate is in the mood to talk, ask questions, discuss favorite activities or what funny thing happened at work that day. Another great way to connect is to be interesting. Have a variety of topics to talk about, tell a great story about an experience you had in the past or in the present. People get so wrapped up in the monotony of their days, they come home from work and start the conversation with “I had a long day” or “what do you want for dinner?” Not very romantic. Try engaging with something like, “I read the most amazing story in the news today” or “where would you go if you could be anywhere right now?” With all our commitments to work, kids, finances and fitness regimes, it can be dangerously easy to neglect our relationships with our partners. Make time to engage, touch, talk, listen and, most of all, connect. Read more by Stacy Kaiser: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship Listen to our podcast with Stacy: The Perfect Parent Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book, How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.
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Woman holding a cookbook

10 Must-Read Books for Happy, Healthy Eating

We all know that what we eat has a major influence on our overall well-being. But with the cascade of conflicting nutrition information out there, the problem is knowing exactly how to go about eating well. The nutritional experts themselves don’t always agree on what’s good for us—or what’s good for the planet. Should we eat “good fats,” including red meat—as several new books espouse—or stick to a plant-based diet. Should we seek out fermented foods for gut health, or focus on avoiding wheat as our primary dietary goal? We have gathered a full spectrum of current expert opinion on healthy cooking and eating in the books listed here, so in the end you can...go with your gut, and follow whatever advice seems right for you and your lifestyle. And there is some common ground: Reduce your sugar intake. Eat veggie-centered meals. Drink lots of water. Make your meals colorful by including a variety of fruits, vegetables, grains and legumes. Cut out processed food. The opinionated—sometimes cutting-edge—books included here should help you make better, more educated decisions when you stroll through the supermarket aisle or sit down at the table. 1. The Big Fat Surprise: Why Butter, Meat and Cheese Belong in a Healthy Diet By Nina Teicholz If you like to discuss what’s healthy and what’s not, this book will get you talking. Author Nina Teicholz, a New York Times writer and former NPR reporter, is all for eating meat, eggs and dairy (saturated fat), and she backs up her claims with research from various scientific studies. The author is not a fan of vegetable oils, processed carbs (boxed snacks) and sugar. A lover of whole foods, she encourages you to eat bacon with your eggs, but to put down the candy bar. 2. Eat Fat, Get Thin By Dr. Mark Hyman In Eat Fat, Get Thin, New York Times best-selling author Dr. Mark Hyman doesn’t advocate eating fast food; instead he recommends eating the healthy fats found in eggs, nuts, olive oils, avocados and other super foods. According to the author, you can achieve optimum fitness, lose weight, prevent disease and increase your energy just by making smart food choices and eating the right kinds of fat. 3. The Good Gut: Taking Control of Your Weight, Your Mood, and Your Long-Term Health By Justin Sonnenburg and Erica Sonnenburg, Ph.Ds. Trust your gut. New scientific research shows that caring for our gut microbes might be the most important health choice we make, according to Stanford researchers and husband and wife team Justin and Erica Sonnenburg, Ph.Ds. In their new book, The Good Gut, the authors explore how processed food and overuse of antibiotics are damaging our healthy gut microbiota. They then detail how we can take steps to nourish and strengthen our gut health by eating more high-fiber food. Bacteria in our bodies can fight pathogens, digest food and produce energy and hormones. Learn how your mood, health and weight can all be influenced by the state of your gut microbes. This book includes recipes and a meal plan to show how more mindful diet and lifestyle choices can prevent disease and improve our overall health. 4. Hungry Girl: Clean & Hungry By Lisa Lillien New York Times best-selling author Lisa Lillien, who has made her name as the “Hungry Girl,” offers decadent-sounding recipes such as PB&J waffles, Hawaiian Shrimp-Fried Rice with Pineapple and BBQ Meatloaf in a “clean eating” style, which means they are made with healthy, unprocessed ingredients. Clean & Hungry features 90 vegetarian recipes, 108 gluten-free recipes, and 56 “regular” recipes that can be made in less than 30 minutes. 5. The Joy of Half a Cookie: Using Mindfulness to Lose Weight and End the Struggle With Food Jean Kristeller, Ph.D., and Alisa Bowman The author’s Mindfulness-Based Eating Awareness Training Program involves mindfulness techniques to transform your relationship with food. The Joy of Half a Cookie is filled with practices that will help you make healthier choices around food with fewer struggles. You won’t find a list of forbidden foods, daily menus or calorie counts in this book. What you will find are the tools that help you “tune in to your own hunger experiences” and begin your journey toward mindful eating. 6. Food Freedom Forever: Letting Go of Bad Habits, Guilt, and Anxiety Around Food By Melissa Hartwig Melissa Hartwig, co-creator of the bestselling TheWhole30 cookbook, explains how you can develop a better relationship with food by letting go of the stress and anxiety around choices. Discover how to choose differently and experience food freedom when you start from a position of strength. Food Freedom Forever is part guidebook and part nutritional coach. Learn how to create healthy habits and be compassionate with yourself when you slip back into old habits. Because this book is a follow-up to TheWhole30, you can bet that the program is going to involve giving up some food groups. 7. Forks Over Knives—The Cookbook: Over 300 Plant-Based Recipes for Plant-Based Eating Through the Year By Del Sroufe Forks Over Knives is not only a cookbookbut also a movement that advocates cutting out meat, dairy and oils to prevent disease and lose weight. With recipes centered around fruits, vegetables, grains and legumes, this cookbook doesn’t just tell, it shows you what you should be eating. Del collaborates with other chefs to design creative vegan meals that are easy to make. Even if giving up dairy or meat isn’t in your plans, this cookbook offers some delicious ways to incorporate more vegetable-centered meals into your week. 8. Savor: Mindful Eating, Mindful Life By Thich Nhat Hanh and Lilian Cheung Renowned Zen Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hanh joins Harvard nutritionist Lilian Cheung to urge people to be mindful of what foods go into their mouths. A combination of nutrition book and meditation book, discover how to pay attention and breathe to eat healthier. Both experts contend that mindful eating can help everyone eat less. This book also offers healthier alternatives to popular food choices, and several practical exercises to help you build a healthier relationship with food. 9. The New Health Rules: Simple Changes to Achieve Whole-Body Wellness By Dr. Frank Lipman and Danielle Claro Author Frank Lipman has practiced and studied integrative medicine for 35 years. In The New Health Rules, he offers actionable items you can do for optimal health. The book outlines which foods help prevent Alzheimer’s, why sugar can be destructive, and how to use good bacteria to improve our digestive system. It also includes simple rules to improve your health, such as choosing healthier fruits like berries or melon instead of high-sugar fruits such as pineapple or mangos. 10. Wheat Belly Total Health: The Ultimate Grain-Free Health and Weight-Loss Life Plan By Dr. William Davis What started as an anti-gluten and -wheat manifesto by cardiologist William Davis in his original Wheat Belly book has become a worldwide grain-free phenomenon. In Wheat Belly Total Health, the author explains the differences between grains and why and how you should avoid each of them in order to regain full metabolic health and well-being. Wheat and other grains, he contends, are the culprit not only of excess weight but of a laundry list of maladies, including auto-immune diseases. The book provides scientific backing for his claims, as well as first-person testimonials of people who have lost weight and regained their health. Sandra Bienkowski is a regular contributor to Live Happy and the founder and CEO ofTheMediaConcierge.net.
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Attractive bearded man checks his social media on a laptop computer.

How Positive Is Your Online Persona?

In August 2016, Karlie Hay saw her dream of being named Miss Teen USA come true. But within hours, the 18-year-old landed in a much harsher spotlight when a series of tweets in which she used racial slurs surfaced. Karlie took responsibility for her actions and apologized, but the incident served as a reminder of something that often gets overlooked, particularly among younger users: While our digital lives may seem “virtual” and separate from our real lives, they're very much connected.And in today’s world, a casual text, Facebook comment or tweet can become a serious problem. Janell Burley Hofmann, a mother of five and author ofiRules: What Every Tech-Healthy Family Needs to Know About Selfies, Sexting, Gaming, and Growing Up became an unexpected expert in the topic three years ago when her oldest child turned 13. “He was pining for a smartphone,” says Janell, who was active in advocacy work and parenting programs at the time. “I was already seeing how technology was becoming central to a lot of conversations about family life, so I saw this as an opportunity to stop and think about what we want—not only from technology, but from life.” Before giving her son a smartphone, Janell created an 18-point contract that outlined the specifics for its use. Emphasizing such things as courtesy, respect and learning, the contract also reminded him to put down the phone and look at the real world. After writing a column about it for Huffington Post, the contract went viral. “I realized this was a global conversation,” she says, noting that the contract has since been translated into 12 languages. “All of us are part of this conversation.” Not just for kids Today, she has opened up that conversation to parents, schools, businesses and organizations. Central to Janell’s work is the idea of your “digital character,” or how you portray yourself online. It’s not just tweens and teens who are making missteps across the digital universe; adults are often just as culpable. Her message of building our digital character is designed for children and their parents alike. “Knowing how we want to appear online is a choice,” she says. “So much of the time we make comments or post things without thinking about it. But we can develop our digital character, and that can influence our relationships and who we want to be.” She suggests putting the same kind of thought into our digital well-being as we do into things like our health and nutrition. That begins with being more mindful of how (and how much) we use technology. “When we are aware of our digital habits, we can meet the needs of our real lives, whether that means learning to be fully present instead of watching our phone, or learning that we can finish a meal without answering our texts.” Digital mindfulness We also can become more aware of how the things we post or even “like” reflect who we are. Getting caught up in online rants or arguments serves no purpose and once said can live eternally in the digital space. They can cause rifts between family and friends or cause hurt feelings and anger on both sides. “It’s time to think about how we want to use our energy. And think about what it’s doing to you. If you find yourself clenching your jaw, or your heartbeat goes up and you’re getting mad, it’s probably not the best use of your energy.” Building digital character On the flipside, the digital space is also a great way to practice being your best self. Janell says looking for positive ways to interact online, such as using humor or reaching out to others with compassion, is a great way to use our time online. “It’s easy to forget sometimes that it’s not a private conversation. Think about the reach you have in your own set of [online] friends and then think about what happens if that gets shared,” she says. “Even if we put something in a private text, it can become public very quickly. Nothing is private anymore, even with privacy settings. We need to be willing to stand behind what we’re saying.” She advises using the “billboard test” before sending out a text, tweet or post: Imagine it being on a billboard outside your office, home or school. Would you still be as eager to send that thought out into the world? “You don’t need to be all sunshine and lollipops, but how we handle situations online can strengthen us in every way. If we strengthen our [character] online, we strengthen the quality of our character overall,” Janell says. Visit Janell Burley Hofmann's website to find out more about iRules and how you can promote good online character within your own family. Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.
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Master conductor Benjamin Zander.

Conductor of Joy

Some people say classical music is dying. Benjamin (Ben) Zander looks at the drop-off in listeners and drying up of public funding as an opportunity to be seized, which is pretty much the way the 77-year-old founder of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra (BPO) views everything. “I try to live life by the philosophy that you can reinvent any story so that it’s more exciting or energizing or happy-making,” Ben says. “It’s about possibility,” he clarifies, a theme he touches on frequently in his star turns on the lecture circuit, dispensing wisdom gleaned from his nearly 50 years of coaxing orchestral musicians to reach into their souls and produce heart-rending music. He has been a four-time keynote speaker at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, and has addressed top brass at major companies like McKinsey and Pfizer as well as for the U.S. Army. Ben’s success isn’t simply about talent or charisma, though he’s plenty charismatic. Instead, he uses novel leadership techniques that turn the traditional way of conducting on its head and give every member of the orchestra a voice, a stake in the outcome. That’s not an easy feat, since orchestral musicians are a notoriously grumpy lot (one famous Harvard study found that they rank just below prison guards in terms of career satisfaction), but Ben won’t stop until everyone around him is invested, or enrolled, as he puts it. “If the eyes of the people around you are shining, you know you’re connecting,” he says. Firing on all cylinders Ben is a master connector, as evidenced by his TED Talk—with 7,646,626 views and counting. He encourages not just his musicians but buttoned-up CEOs to access their emotions through music. To demonstrate, he leaps up from the leather-tufted chair in his living room to his 9-foot Steinway grand, a gift from his late father, a Jewish survivor from Nazi-era Germany. As he pounds out a few rousing bars from Beethoven’s “Eroica” Symphony, he practically bounces off the piano bench. “See? It’s about joy!” he exclaims. “Could it be any clearer?” Ben brims over with joy, though if you ask him how he stays so happy, he replies that happiness isn’t the whole story. “I say, ‘You’re happy? Good! What else you got?’ To me, it’s not just about being happy. It’s about full engagement, about firing on all cylinders, it’s about wow!” he explains, his body taut with a 25-year-old’s energy. As founder and conductor of the BPO as well as the Boston Philharmonic Youth Orchestra, along with numerous guest conducting stints—“I’m traveling to Spain, England, Israel and Sweden, and that’s just in a month!” he says— Ben always seems to have room for one more commitment, one more connection in his schedule. How does he fit it all in? “I tend to say ‘yes’ to everything,” he says, laughing, referring to a recent last-minute meeting with teenagers at Booker T. Washington High School in Tulsa, Oklahoma. After two students there learned that Ben was coming to the city for a concert, they wrote and invited him to speak. Ben shifted his packed calendar around to make it happen, hoping for 40 or 50 kids. “Seven hundred students showed up! I had the time of my life!” he recounts, his own eyes shining beneath bushy white eyebrows. Choosing to be happy Yet happiness hasn’t always come easily to Ben, nor to his family. “Happiness is a discipline,” he says. “I wasn’t born with a sunny personality. I’m equally prone to moodiness, but at a certain point, I discovered that my mood was my choice. It wasn’t something I had to wait for, like a sunny day.” As an example, Ben points to a small bust of his father, which rests atop the gleaming grand piano. His father came to England from Germany, and at the outbreak of World War II he was sent to an internment camp in England’s Isle of Man. “He lived with thousands of other refugees behind barbed wire,” Ben recounts. At that point, the elder Zander had lost everything—his mother, who was exterminated in the Chelmno concentration camp, plus seven other family members along with his money, his profession (as a lawyer), his home, his culture. “Yet my father looked around and said, ‘There are many intelligent people here—let’s start a university!’ ” says Ben. “There were no blackboards but there were things to talk about, and soon they were doing 40 lectures a week, right there in the camp.” You could say that this anecdote embodies Ben’s worldview. “It’s an example of how, if you are disciplined about it, you can look at anything as rich with possibility,” he says. Ben explores this principle in his best-selling book The Art of Possibility, which he co-authored with his former wife and collaborator, Rosamund “Roz” Stone Zander. The sequel, Pathways to Possibility, has just been published, and though Roz is sole author on this one, the book is peppered with “Ben” anecdotes. Time to pay attention Though now divorced, Ben and Roz are still close (she lives just down his leafy street in Cambridge, less than a mile from Harvard Square). Ben looks back on their separation, 20 years ago, as a major turning point in his life. “I’d already lost one marriage,” he says. “When you lose two, it’s time to pay attention.” By paying attention, Ben turned that separation into a new beginning. Until then, he admits that he was a typically imperious maestro, “going through life like a bull in a china shop, having a wonderful time and bashing people along the way.” When Roz expressed her dissatisfaction in the marriage, the two had what Ben calls a “transformational conversation.” That conversation led to The Art of Possibility and, for Ben, to a new way of thinking, conducting and living. “My life was successful, but in some ways, it was at the expense of my marriage, of the people around me,” Ben says. “When the marriage ended, I went from being a fool to being aware, from being narcissistic to going for having shining eyes around me,” he says. One way Ben accomplishes this is by inviting his musicians, children and adults alike, to leave notes on their stands after every rehearsal, with their thoughts on the performance, and on how everyone might do things better, including Ben himself. While this might seem like the normal kind of give and take between any leader and his team, orchestral conductors are an autocratic lot, not known for asking a musician’s opinion, much less apologizing. Ben apologizes—sometimes mid-song—and then some, routinely stepping off the podium to do a few dance steps to demonstrate a passage, or even asking a member of the orchestra to take over for a spell. These techniques, he says, keep everyone around him invested in the process. “I’ve learned that you don’t have to push people around,” Ben says. “Giving up that way of being has been a great relief.” A spark of inspiration Ben’s exuberant methods get results beyond heart-lifting music. He aims to do nothing less than to change people’s lives. “Take a look at this!” he says, reading from a letter he received from a woman who played violin in a concert he recently guest-conducted. The musician starts by detailing how she endured years of being made to feel invisible in the back row of her section. And then came Ben, who gave her the freedom to express herself with “innocent playfulness,” to look at life in a new way. “You not only gave us your imagination, your authenticity, your passion and energy, but you made it okay for us to feel the same way, to play the same way,” she wrote. “It was like giving water to someone in the desert.” “I’m using my energy so that I can create experiences like this,” he says, clearly moved. “To me, this is happiness,” he says. More than that, the letter embodies his life goal of connecting, of affecting everyone he meets, of awakening them to their own possibility. “I want to keep doing what I’m good at doing. Knowing I can make a difference—that is what gives me purpose. To get a letter like that, I mean, what could be more rewarding?” As Ben approaches 80, his reach, his capacity to change attitudes, whether of a cynical CEO or a violinist in the back row of an orchestra, is more powerful than ever. “In my master classes, I used to teach 50 students. Now, those classes are online, and 35,000 people watch them on YouTube.” Ben is also teaching conductors to conduct differently. “You have to be very careful about the words that are coming out of your mouth, whether you are a conductor, a parent, a spouse or a politician,” he says. “Years ago, I didn’t realize that I was being demeaning. But if you do things right, you get happiness, and people will flourish all around you.” Paula Derrow is a writer and editor who specializes in psychology and personal essays. She divides her time between New York City and Connecticut.
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5 Tips to Maintain a Happy Relationship

5 Tips to Maintain a Happy Relationship

I like to think of a committed relationship as a “journey from me to us.” Two unique people, with distinct thoughts, ambitions, and personalities now share their lives. But no matter how compatible you may be in the beginning, you will still face unexpected challenges along the way. Just as in any other journey, in order to meet these challenges, it’s helpful to have a map and a plan. As a life-long pragmatist I’ve accumulated a number of tools to help me navigate the exhilarating terrain of love and relationships. Here are my top five. I hope you find them easy to understand and useful to improve your relationship. 1. Keep each other close We all have limited amounts of emotional capital. It can be difficult to maintain intensely close relationships with more than a few people, so make sure one is your partner. If your busy lifestyle has you spending more time with friends and acquaintances than with the person you call your partner, reconsider your priorities. While absence might make the heart grow fonder, too much time apart can also result in emotional distance. When I find myself overly committed with social engagements and not home often enough, then I know I have to make a change. If I want to be emotionally close to my partner, I have to make sure we’re spending enough quality time together. 2. Find your own happiness You can never make someone else feel happy, and that obligation can put a lot of pressure on a relationship. people in relationships need to find their own happiness without expecting their partners to make them happy. Develop your own interests, take good physical and emotional care of yourself. Make time for what pleases you and makes you feel content. Structure your life to include time for those things. If I make myself happy and my partner makes herself happy ̶ then we will have lots of happiness to share with each other. 3. Be forgiving Sometimes, even the most loving of partners can say or do something petty or thoughtless. In an unhealthy relationship this could resort in a tit-for-tat race to the bottom of bad behavior. In this way, small slights can soon escalate out of control. If this happens often it can permanently damage a relationship. So when your partner says or does something hurtful, rather than retaliate, try to forgive. Take the high road. That way, if you say or do something your partner finds hurtful (and it is bound to happen) he or she will forgive you in kind. 4. Always keep the big picture in mind As a relationship moves forward, it’s all too easy to lose sight of the big picture, especially during emotional strain and conflict. We tend to become petty and focus on things that don’t matter in the big scheme of things. Remember that your relationship is more like a movie than a snapshot. It is a series of images that together tell a story. And, as in a movie, following every low point there is often a high point. Keep this long-term perspective in mind and you’ll both enjoy your movie better and be able to navigate any troubled waters you encounter along the way. 5. Lighten up There will be plenty of opportunities in a relationship to discuss difficult issues, but sometimes you just have to lighten up. One of the best ways for a couple to strengthen their connection to one another is to laugh and have fun together. Do you find yourself waiting to unload all of your grievances that have accumulated throughout your day on your loved one? Maybe your partner doesn’t want to hear only about the man who cut you off or the co-worker who won’t pull her weight. While there should always be space in a relationship to discuss the heavy stuff, make sure you find a balance. Make it a priority to have fun as well. Plan surprises, be playful, and don’t forget to laugh. Alan Foxis TheNew York Times–bestselling author of PEOPLE TOOLS, a series of self-help books that give powerful advice on building happy and meaningful relationships. He has shared his wisdom with national audiences including the Steve Harvey Show and The Meredith Vieira Show.
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