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Tony Hale Fuels His Characters With Experience

Actor Tony Hale, with an amazing staff of writers and uber-talented co-stars, is tasked with the harder-than-it-looks job of making political mayhem hilarious in HBO’s hit show, Veep. Luckily for him, pressure and stress are just the tools he needs to play Gary Walsh, the sheepish and devoted assistant to Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ egocentric, scurrilous politician Selina Meyer. Gary is Selina’s personal assistant or “body man,” tasked with anticipating her every need. Carrying his signature satchel, he is ready for any demand at a moment’s notice, toting newspapers, her schedule, makeup, sweeteners and snacks. In the 2015 “Gary Antoinette” episode involving a cake scandal, Selina rips into him, saying, “You are not a big shot, Gary, you’re a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers.” In a rare instance of self-defense, Gary responds, “You’re wrong. I’m your calendar, I’m your Google, I’m your Wilson the volleyball….I have let myself be laughed at, I have let myself be humiliated, and I’m happy to do it.” The scene highlighted an underlying understanding and depth beyond the characters’ lighter comedic interactions. “I enjoy sitting in the tension, with the audience knowing the crazy circumstances that are around me,” Tony says. “When you know there is a lot going on in that head, simply just sitting in that tension is kind of fun.” He says that growing up, he was inspired by comics of similarly uncomfortable demeanors such as Tim Conway and Bob Newhart. “They just kind of sat in that awkwardness, in that tension and didn’t feel the need to push the comedy because everybody knew the crazy circumstances.” In Laughter We Trust With Americans so politically focused as of late, Tony isn’t worried that Veep might need to become a more serious reflection of our government. In fact, he thinks quite the opposite. “Maybe people are having a hard time laughing at what’s going on right now, but hopefully they’ll feel the freedom to laugh at our show,” he says. “It’s kind of sad to laugh at some things, but go ahead and laugh at this.” Veep’s actors make it easy to delight in our own discomfort watching their awkward onscreen antics. Tony says his seamless on-camera rapport with Julia helped to inspire performances resulting in his 2013 and 2015 Emmy awards for the show. “It’s hard to underline how a chemistry like this resulted, but a lot of it is trust,” Tony says. He notes that everyone in the cast is comfortable speaking up if they believe that something is not working. “So you have that trust that’s like, ‘Oh man, yeah we’re on the same page,’ in terms of what the tone of the show is,” Tony says. “Julia and I definitely have that support,” he continues. “We’ll be doing something and say, ‘OK, something funny could happen here…this could be punched up.’ Then the writers create this beautiful, hilarious foundation for us to play off of. It’s so much fun coming into a room and being like, ‘All right, what sort of comedy can we do here?’” The trust between Tony and Julia runs so deep that she asked him to accompany her onstage at the 2013 Emmys to help her accept her own award—in character. “That moment was terrifying,” he says, laughing. “She pitched the idea. She came to me and was like, ‘Hey, I think it’d be funny if you carried my purse.’ And she’s so good at what she does. And in the back of my head I was thinking, ‘Oh crap, she’s going to probably win and then I’m literally going to have to do this.’ “There was a moment when they called her name and we’re walking toward the stage, and I’m thinking, ‘Oh gosh, this could bomb really bad.’ And you just kind of connect to it, and thankfully, I think it worked.” Living Life Through Art Nervousness, anxiety and self-consciousness are not typically thought to be the hallmarks of a natural-born entertainer, yet Tony wouldn’t have it any other way. “Part of that was at first I didn’t know if I could make a living acting,” Tony says. “But then another part of it was that I was just very nervous about it. So I studied journalism, and then after college, I dipped my toe back in by getting back on stage. It was very nerve-wracking, but the more I did it, the more comfortable I got with it.” He’s now been in the acting business more than 20 years. “You learn to surrender to the uncertainty,” Tony says. “Somehow, it works.” “Working,” as Tony puts it, might be the understatement of the year. After breaking onto the scene with parts on Sex and The City, The Sopranos and Dawson’s Creek (not to mention a memorable turn dancing to Styx’s “Mr. Roboto” on a popular Volkswagen commercial in 1999), he caught his stride in a big way in the movie Stranger Than Fiction and as Buster Bluth, the clueless black sheep of the Bluth family on the critical darling TV series Arrested Development. While the roles of Buster and Veep’s Gary are vastly different on the surface, they share aspects of the anxieties and phobias that Tony knows all too well. While taking on these characters may seem nightmarish to some, Tony believes that getting to relive these feelings is a blessing in disguise. “It’s a lot more fun to play it than feel it,” he says, laughing. “In reality, anxiety is very different than how it’s played out. In reality, sometimes a ton of stuff is going on in my head. I’m just trying to figure out, ‘Oh my gosh. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What am I going to do?’” Read more: Find Your Funny Bone Power of Presence Tony’s success has allowed him to explore other interests. His first children’s book, Archibald’s Next Big Thing, was published in 2014. Beyond being a fun read for little ones, it also lovingly addresses many of the life lessons that Tony holds near and dear to his heart, like dealing with your fears and living in the moment. It’s promoted on adventuresofarchibald.com as “a story that reminds readers that, while looking for the next big thing isn’t a bad thing, big and beautiful things are all around us, right now.” “Little kids are very precious,” Tony says with pride. “My daughter (Loy, age 11) asks a lot of questions. ‘What’s for lunch? What’s for dinner?’ When I take her with me on a vacation, she’s like, ‘What are we doing tomorrow?’ She tends to always look ahead, and she gets annoyed by me because I’m always saying, ‘All right, I hear you, and we can talk about that, but let’s look at what’s around us right now.’ “So it’s not necessarily having a heavy discussion, but it’s just kind of fun to find a different way to look at life. I mean, yeah, we can talk about what’s for dinner, but are you enjoying your lunch now?” Tony’s mindset stems not just from his career successes, but also from a longtime commitment to prayer and meditation. His strong faith and spirituality even inspired him to co-found a sanctuary of sorts with a longtime friend, Kathy Karbowski. The Haven is a community of artistic-minded Christians who meet regularly to converse and support each other’s professional and religious endeavors. “We both met a lot of people in the arts whose faith was important to them, but it was hard for them to find a safe community,” Tony recounts. “We began to get these people together, and really just support each other by attending each other’s concerts, shows or galleries.” In the entertainment industry, Tony says, you spend a lot of time selling yourself, and having such support helps the group look outside of themselves to organize service work and be more a part of the community. “It’s very easy to get self-involved, myself included, and it’s because everyone wants to work….I’m very grateful toward those people in my life. “Another reason why I think we did it was the tremendous amount of rejection in this business. Even though people say, ‘Hey, blow it off,’ it’s very hard not to take it personally. It hurts, but when people in your community see you for who you are, it’s easier to walk away from rejection because they speak more truth into your life about who you really are. It is incredibly life-giving, I think.” While Tony’s cooperative spirit helps The Haven live up to its name for those who are a part of it, including his wife, Emmy Award-winning makeup artist Martel Thompson, his personal commitment to Christianity has been just as important to him over the years. “It’s not just a part of my life,” he says. “My relationship with God is the majority of it. Obviously, everyone has their own journey, but this life gets crazy, and this business can get you wrapped up in things that sometimes seem so major but really aren’t when compared to what’s going on in the rest of the world, which can seem overwhelming.” “By the way, I’m not great at this,” he added, meaning always living in the moment, prioritizing God and being of service to others. “But I am getting better.” Read more: Sam Worthington Bares His Soul Gerry Strauss is a frequent contributor to Live Happy magazine. His last feature article was Ming-Na Wen, Agent of Change.

Lifestyle

For Queen Latifah, Happiness Reigns Supreme

In 1992, Dana Owens—known to the world as Queen Latifah—had a top 10 single from her Nature of a Sista album and she’d won a part in acclaimed director Spike Lee’s movie Jungle Fever. She was 22 and had been famous since releasing her debut album All Hail the Queen three years earlier. But as the lights of stardom shined on her professional life, a phone call cast unimaginable darkness on her personal life. “Before I could get the ‘hello’ out, [my friend] said, ‘Your brother had an accident on his motorcycle.’ My heart dropped. I couldn’t think,” Queen recalls in her book Ladies First: Revelations of a Strong Woman. She raced to the hospital where she met her mother. Together, the two women prayed that Queen’s older brother, Lancelot “Winki” Jr., a 24-year-old police officer, would survive the crash. But his injuries were too great. When the doctor came to the waiting room and told the family that Lancelot had died from his injuries, Queen says her “world evaporated.” She and Winki had been extremely close, sharing what she calls “a spiritual connection.” As the days passed and she tried to cope with her sorrow and shock, she was also left with the terrible knowledge that she had purchased the motorcycle that killed her brother. “I never imagined that bike, bought in love, would be the cause of Winki’s death,” Queen says in Ladies First. A Lesson From Heartbreak “That was a really tough one,” she says now, the heartbreak still palpable in her voice. “It rocked my life to the core.” Queen started smoking marijuana daily. She spent her days checking on her mother and shooting hoops at a park and spent her nights smoking and drinking until she passed out. It was by reconnecting with her first love of music that Queen tapped into the inner strength she’d forgotten was there. Pouring herself into her lyrics, Queen wrote and recorded her album Black Reign, which includes the track “Winki’s Theme,” dedicated to her brother. “I had to free my soul by releasing the pain through my music,” she explains in Ladies First. Queen also paid tribute to her brother on the open road. Not long after his death, she was back on her own motorcycle, riding in honor of her late sibling. Winki was there, too. Queen had had the key to his bike dipped in gold, and she wore it on a chain around her neck for years. “You can’t stay in those blue or dark places forever.” Queen speaks in her famously husky voice and chooses each word with care. “You have to find whatever inspiration works for you, but you can’t let yourself stay down all the time. Whatever your inspiration, you have to look for a reason to fight the good fight each and every day,” she says. It’s Queen’s fighting spirit and unwillingness to compromise her principles that have helped her move beyond tough times to win acclaim and a slew of awards in music, film and more—and to find a lasting sense of peace and joy. Finding Her Crown The loss of her brother taught Queen she had strength that could vanquish terrible despair. But the foundation for her courage in facing adversity was built years before that tragedy. As a young girl growing up in New Jersey, Queen’s parents, high school teacher Rita and police officer Lancelot (Lance) Owens Sr., taught her to not worry about fitting in. “My mother wanted us to define ourselves, rather than allow others to pin a label on us,” she says. Both parents focused on developing their children’s self-esteem, telling Queen and Winki they were capable of doing anything. Like any kid, though, Queen had growing pains. Concerns about being taller than most girls (and some boys) and what she calls “big-boned” left Queen lacking in self-confidence as a teen. As a result, she says in her book Put on Your Crown: Life-Changing Moments on the Path to Queendom, she “experimented with stuff that could have taken me right down into the gutter if I’d continued with it.” “Around 18 or so, I was making bad choices based on not loving myself so I decided to make a decision to either love [myself] or hate [myself]. I knew I needed to make some changes,” Queen says. “I literally looked in the mirror and kind of had that talk with myself. The one no one wants to have, but just about everyone needs at one point or another. “I decided I needed to love myself. But I also needed to truly believe that, own that, and make decisions based on that. I had to accept myself as I am.” That moment was a turning point for the entertainer. While her high school peers, after graduation, were setting their sights on jobs or college, Queen had other plans. Releasing her debut album All Hail the Queen in 1989, she became a rap star at age 19, using her nickname “Latifah” (which means “delicate and kind” in Arabic). By 21, Queen made her TV acting debut in the smash hit The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. In 1994, she would also win the Grammy for Best Rap Solo Performance for her song “U.N.I.T.Y.” With its lyrics that bashed the male rap culture for its sexism, she established herself as a powerful voice for women, one that has only grown stronger with the years. “I’ve lived a helluva life,” she says, chuckling. Never Stop Fighting Queen was picked to star on the sitcom Living Single in 1993, and during its five-year run, producers told her and other female castmates to slim down. She thought the idea was “ridiculous.” “We were supposed to reflect women in the real world,” says Queen of the show in Put on Your Crown. “So what sense would it make to viewers if we were all skinny?” When she did opt to lose some weight in 2002—the year she was nominated for an Academy Award for her role in the movie Chicago—she did it for her own reasons. “I wanted to feel better and have more energy.” Queen feels passionately that women need to love themselves for who they are and not for a perfect Hollywood ideal—so strongly, in fact, that she wrote not one but two books advising women on how to do so. To maintain both physical and emotional balance, Queen continues to rely on the same looking glass that helped her turn away from bad choices as a teen. “I constantly check in with myself and look in the mirror at who I am and how I want to manage my life. “I’m authentic with myself. I don’t lie to the person in the mirror because the more I feel and acknowledge and accept, the better,” she says. That honesty leads to feeling better about myself—the good and the not so good. It’s very peaceful and calming. “If I’m not eating right, I check in with myself to rein it back in and get back on track,” she continues. “If I break down and smoke, which is something that hooked me at a young age and [which] I’ve fought my whole life, I have to have a heart-to-heart with myself to gear up to go back into battle and fight that fight. No matter what the obstacle, I think it’s important to never stop fighting. I won’t give up.” Queen says she checks in with herself “emotionally, to make sure I feel strong on the inside, too. Because if I’m not at my strongest emotionally, things like unhealthy eating or smoking can creep back in. I’m no different than any woman today. When you wear a lot of hats and carry a lot around, you have to stop and check in on yourself.” Consistent introspection also promotes the gratitude Queen says is vital to her well-being. “Staying in a grateful place feeds my soul. I’m so thankful for my job and work that lets me not only survive but also provide for the people I hold so dear. I’m humbled by the gifts and opportunities I’ve been given. Reflecting on that fills me with such gratefulness. It lifts my spirits anytime I think about it.” Read more: The Joy of Being Dolly Parton Queen of Hearts In 2004, Queen’s mother, Rita Owens, was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. The news sent waves of shock and fear through her daughter. “It was terrifying to hear that because all you can think is ‘My mom’s gonna die,’ ” Queen says. Getting Rita on the right diet and medicine regimens calmed both mother and daughter. “It was empowering to be able to have these things to do,” Queen shares. “You feel like you can take back some control.” Subsequent health issues and complications have led to Rita’s requiring oxygen—and to Queen’s donning of another hat. “I’m a soldier for good health on a mission to help and save my mom,” says Queen, who lives part-time in Rita’s New Jersey home to share caregiving duties along with relatives and medical professionals. “Anything you see [me do] on TV and movies doesn’t exist without my mom. She’s done so much for us, I want to do anything I can to make her happy. “My mom’s sense of humor and ability to always say something ‘just right’ can change my whole attitude,” she says. “I’d say she’s my happiness role model, but honestly, my whole family continues to shape my positive outlook and attitude. “The love and support we have for one another is out of this world,” says Queen, who doesn’t restrict the definition of family to those who share her DNA. “My mom, cousins, best friends, and so on all rally around each other and pick each other up when it’s needed.” Queen calls her group of close friends her “posse”—and most of them date back to her teen years. “I’m fortunate to have people around who tell me the truth and celebrate a great job or smack my hand when I’ve done a bad one. That really helps keep me grounded,” Queen says. “Having people you love and who love you, people you can share a mutual honesty with, is really something.” Queen also credits her strong belief and faith in God with keeping her grounded and balanced. In 2015, Queen and her mom filmed public service announcements that share their family’s story and educate viewers about the symptoms and risks of heart failure. That same year, Queen played the title role in, and was one of the executive producers for, the HBO movie Bessie, about the singer Bessie Smith, for which she won both an Emmy and a Screen Actor’s Guild award. “[Bessie] was not afraid to be wrong or afraid to tell someone just like it is, and that’s a gift,” Queen told The New York Times. She may as well have been talking about herself. Read more: Ming-Na Wen, Agent of Change Queen’s Regal Grace Over the years, Queen Latifah has compiled an astonishing list of accomplishments and she shows no signs of stopping. This year she returns to TV as both actress and producer. Queen’s latest leading role is as the owner of a beauty salon who becomes a surrogate mother to a group of young girls on a quest to find success on the new Lee Daniels series Star on Fox. She is producing a Travel Channel series, The Best Place To Be,where stars divulge their favorite places to eat, drink, shop and sightsee. Anyone with a résumé like hers could easily develop a diva-sized attitude, but Queen never plays the snooty royal card. Indeed, her humility can be disarming. “There’s really no reason I should have done what I have,” she says. “I’m an African-American girl from Newark who doesn’t have the typical look for a lot of the things I’ve wanted to do. “I have always been good at keeping it real with myself,” she says. “I know I’m not always perfect at doing the right things. My life is a work in progress, and I’m not going to create a lie about who I am.” Long live the Queen. Gina Roberts-Grey is an award-winning journalist who has written for Family Circle, Self and Essence among other publications.

Self-Care

The Internet of Things Brings the Future Home

When I was in middle school, my parents were both working full time. So after school, my brother and I would walk home and let ourselves into the house. Plopping down our school bags, we would grab a snack, find a seat on the couch, and, of course, turn on the TV. All of this had to happen quickly, though, because at 4 p.m., The Jetsons came on. We knew every episode by heart, but that didn’t stop us from watching them again and again. We were fascinated by the cartoon vision of the future. What I didn’t know back then was that today’s political, social and business leaders were also watching The Jetsons at home on repeat, shaping a collective vision for the future. The original Jetsons series aired in the 1962-63 season, during the Cold War and shortly after the founding of NASA in 1958. Americans seemed equally optimistic and terrified about the future, giving rise to what came to be called the Golden Age of American Futurism. It was a time filled with artistic renderings of techno-utopian dreams of life in the future. The future looked bright Danny Graydon, the London-based author of the The Jetsons: The Official Guide to the Cartoon Classic, explains: “It [The Jetsons] coincided with this period of American history when there was a renewed hope—the beginning of the ’60s, sort of pre-Vietnam, when Kennedy was in power. So there was something very attractive about the nuclear family with good honest values thriving well into the future. I think that chimed with the zeitgeist of the American culture of the time.” Two decades later, The Jetsons was rebooted, exposing a whole new generation (including me) to the visions of the not-so-distant future. Amazingly, The Jetsons and other futuristic musings from that time accurately predicted many technologies we know today, including flat-screen TVs, video calls, interactive news, talking alarm clocks and even watches that served as phones (hello, Dick Tracy). Fifty years later, when the present seems to have caught up with the once-imagined future, we are left to wonder: What comes next? “The future” has become the topic of 2017, with TED conferences and Wired magazine articles devoted to the latest trends and futuristic projections. The Internet of Things connects our lives The “Internet of Things,” which is how people describe the interconnection between your [smart] phone, car, home (heating systems, alarm, door locks, sound system), baby monitor, garage door opener, and pretty much anything electric is predicted to seamlessly integrate our digital and physical worlds. It will link everything together over Wi-Fi to become part of this crazy network that drives our lives. The idea behind this shift is that by automating and aggregating tasks and information in our environment, we can increase safety, save energy, reduce anxiety and increase happiness. Here are a few of the smart technologies available on the market now: Apple’s new Home app boasts the ability for users to “control a Fantasia-like orchestra of smartgadgetsfrom one place, including everything fromsmart doorbells and locks, to thermostats, light bulbs, humidifiers and entertainment systems.” Did you forget to lock your door when you left home? Don’t worry, your smart home profile will lock the door when you leave, turn off extra lights, and perhaps even adjust your thermostat to save on energy costs. The Ring Video Doorbell lets you see and talk remotely when someone comes to your door. KidsWifi helps you monitor and control what your kids see online, and when—as well as what content their friends bring into your home. Certainly, smart homes sound nice and helpful, but at the end of the day what I really want is a smart and happy home. The truth is that technology is just a tool designed to facilitate happiness. It can help us automate tasks so that we have more quality time, but it can also distract (and frustrate) us if we are not thoughtful about how we use it. While the Internet of Things is ushering in a new era of home automation technologies, it’s important to remember that the happiest places are ones that are connected not with physical wires but with deep personal and emotional circuitry. The happiest homes in the past, present and future are those connected primarily with conversation, quality time, shared dreams and memories. Listen to our podcast: The Future of Happiness With Amy Blankson Read more from Amy: Let Technology Lift Your Life and 5 Tips for Digital Decluttering Amy Blankson, aka the ‘Happy Tech Girl,’ is on a quest to help individuals balance productivity and well-being in the digital era. Amy, with her brother Shawn Achor, co-founded GoodThink, which brings the principles of positive psychology to lifeand works with organizations such as Google, NASA and the U.S. Army. Her new book is called The Future of Happiness: 5 Modern Strategies for Balancing Productivity and Well-being in the Digital Era.

relationships

5 Essential Factors for Raising Resilient Kids

In my personal interactions with parents, I am often asked the pressing question: “How did my child end up this way?” How is my child so happy? So helpful? So cautious? So aggressive? This extends to specific personality traits and behaviors, both positive and negative. Based on my experiences as a parent, coupled with my years studying child development as a professional, I have found that both nature and nurture play a role in shaping individuals. Nature is what people are born with in terms of temperament, intelligence and abilities. Nurture refers to influences from the environment, both immediate (like family and community) and more removed (like societal norms and expectations). Dorothy Law Nolte’s poem, “Children Learn What They Live,” does a great job expressing my point of view regarding the external influences that profoundly affect children’s development with lines such as these: If children live with encouragement, They learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, They learn to be patient. The concept is quite simple: The actions, words and environment that children are exposed to significantly influence who they are. If they are raised with a healthy dose of positive and motivational experiences, they have a stronger likelihood of being happy, healthy, resilient, positive people. Lead by example There are many ways that we, by example, can contribute to our children’s positive learning. Sometimes our teaching is intentional. We teach our children the importance of good nutrition by taking them to the market and encouraging them to help prepare and enjoy healthy meals. We introduce them to exciting adventures and opportunities to show them the benefits of exploration and being open to new experiences. Lessons can also be more subtle. Our children learn from watching how we interact with others. If we apologize for our mistakes, hold the door for someone in a wheelchair or carry someone’s bag for them, we teach our children the importance of doing so. Similarly, if we grab our children by the arm aggressively every time they misbehave, we are teaching them that getting physical with a person when angry is acceptable. Consider these five essential factors in determining the extent to which children learn what they live: 1. Safety Abraham Maslow, a pioneer in the field of child development, stated that safety is the foundation for anyone to accomplish anything. If we do not feel safe, it is difficult to function and therefore meet our basic needs. Safety refers to both physical and psychological indicators, ranging from having a physically safe school or home to emotional abuse and bullying. It also refers to a feeling of emotional comfort to take risks and be adventurous, knowing that there is a solid, safe place to return to after trying something new. 2. Balance Giving children a sense of balance and teaching them how to juggle the ups and downs of life is an essential life skill. The “everything in moderation” philosophy is taught by example and reinforced by parents, and if executed well, can have profound and positive influences on the way children live their lives. Some cake is perfectly fine to eat, but the entire cake or cake every day can be unhealthy. 3. Role modeling Children learn both healthy and maladaptive behaviors from observing those around them. For example, when children see parents brushing their teeth every morning and evening, they learn good oral hygiene habits. Psychological behavior, like having a positive attitude or taking things in stride, are also learned by example. Conversely, one client’s son picked up on her practice of speaking in a very loud voice, which started to cause problems when it was interpreted negatively by his teachers and coaches. 4. Adventure and openness to new things Interest and curiosity are the foundations of knowledge, growth and change. Infusing our children’s lives with opportunities to try new things will teach them to take risks, enjoy the thrill of adventure and push themselves to grow through exploration. 5. Acceptance of self and others Every day, I meet with people who are unhappy with who they are and the people around them. Sometimes their unhappiness stems from real issues that need to be changed, but people—both adults and children—also struggle with things they have little control over. There’s the boy who has to study twice as hard as his peers to get good grades in math, the girl who despises her curly hair, the painfully shy child who dreads birthday parties—they all struggle with aspects of themselves. As parents, we need to emphasize acceptance as a cornerstone of learning. Those of us who are better at practicing self-acceptance are happier, more motivated, more resilient and more likely to be successful. While life poses many challenges, we have choices in how we tackle them. We teach our children valuable and powerful lessons from how we live our lives. We should be mindful of the degree to which our conduct teaches children about life, their places in society, their futures and their values. Creating safe, balanced, accepting environments for our children will enhance their happiness, successes and resiliency. Listen to our podcast: The Perfect Parent, with Stacy Kaiser Read more from Stacy: Know When to Intervene With Your Teen and 4 Tips to Raise High-Achieving Kids Stacy Kaiser is a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know and an editor at large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such as Today and Good Morning America.

Lifestyle

5 Reasons You Need a Vacation

Matthew Brum doesn't run from his problems, he takes them to the beach for a vacation. “Whenever I need a break from the everyday grind, I travel,” says the 29-year-old director of digital strategy and social media for Nashville’s Big Machine Label Group. “Even if it’s just a long weekend, it refreshes my state of mind, gives me clarity and inspiration. Traveling always refreshes my soul.” It’s not just Matthew's imagination. Research shows that travel is as good for the brain as it is for the body, and it can make you happier and more productive when you return to work. In her book, The Happy Traveler: Unpacking the Secrets of Better Vacations, happiness researcher (and avid traveler) Jaime Kurtz, Ph.D., looks at how travel can boost happiness and how we can get more of its benefits. Travel, she says, presents us with a “book-ended period of time” in which we experience a full range of highs and lows. That includes the exhaustion and exuberance of travel, the loneliness and newly discovered shared connections found among strangers, and the cultural missteps and deeper understanding of the world around us. “It’s all there, and many of us consider that full range of experiences to be essential for a well-lived life,” Jaime says. Go more, grow more Matthew, who grew up in a family that loves to travel, has visited Portugal, France, Spain, Nicaragua, England and Italy. He’s also done plenty of domestic travel, and usually there’s a beach involved. He says each trip has helped shape who he is and how he sees the world. “If I wasn’t able to see so many parts of the world, my brain and imagination wouldn’t be as colorful as they are,” he says. “I travel three to seven times a year, even if it’s just a short trip.” He says traveling has opened his mind to other cultures and helped him find friends in far-flung places. It also has encouraged him to take chances and follow his dreams. “I’m a dreamer, and when I experience something new and different, it inspires me. I believe travel has expanded my horizons in both my personal and professional life tremendously.” Matthew certainly isn’t alone in his globe-trotting ways: 99 percent of baby boomers are planning to take a trip this year, and millennials are on track to outpace all previous generations when it comes to travel. While they may not realize it, all that travel is doing more than giving them brag-worthy Instagram photos. Five things travel can do for you: 1. It teaches you to savor the moment Traveling forces you to unplug from your daily world and take in new sights, sounds and smells. These moments of awe require you to experience them in real time. 2. It makes you more creative Research shows that students who experience other cultures are better problem-solvers, are more interested in their studies and exhibit greater creativity. Much of this is attributed to the fact that traveling can help you see the world differently and open your mind to multiple solutions. 3. It makes you a better worker For most of us, work is the one thing we most need a vacation from, but it’s also the reason many of us postpone or ignore vacations. According to the coalition Project: Time Off, some 658 million vacation days go unused every year in America alone. But vacations are crucial for letting your brain rest, and that helps you see things differently. Project: Time Off also reports that small-business owners who take a vacation say their job performance increases upon their return, and managers say employees improve both focus and creativity when they take time away. If you need more reasons to plan a vacation, consider this: workers who use all of their vacation time are 6.5 percent more likely to get a raise or promotion than those who leave 11 or more vacation days on the table. 4. It can help improve your health Mental health and physical health are inextricably linked, and a 2014 study from the Global Coalition on Aging looked at the social, cognitive and physical benefits of travel. Among its findings? People who skip annual vacations were more likely to have heart attacks; women who traveled at least twice a year were less likely to have heart attacks than those who traveled every six years or less. 5. It makes you happier Even before you take a trip, you’re planning what you’ll do, where you’ll go, what you’ll see. (That’s called “anticipatory savoring.”) Jaime cites a recent study from the Netherlands, which found travelers were actually happier before they left for a trip than during or after the trip. “You can use that time to build more happiness and anticipation in your life,” Jaime says, adding that being aware of it can help you maximize its effects. And, once you’re back home, taking time to reflect on the experience and recall your favorite moments will help prolong the beneficial effects of your travel. “Experiences just get better with memory. As you tell those stories, or look back at the photos, they just get richer and more valuable,” she says. “Souvenirs get old or dusty or broken, but experiences live on.” Listen to our podcast: The Happiest People on the Planet, With Linda Swain Read more: Tripped Up or 5 Tips for an Energy-Boosting Vacation Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy.

Self-Care

How to Win Like an Underdog

Until June 30, 2016, Coastal Carolina University had never won a national championship in any sport. That all changed in Game 3 of the College World Series at Omaha’s TD Ameritrade Park. In the bottom of the ninth inning, pitcher Alex Cunningham struck out Arizona’s Ryan Haug—securing the title win for the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers and giving the first-time College World Series participants the chance to raise the coveted trophy. “I completely blacked out for a solid two-and-a-half minutes,” Alex says. “I saw myself on the interview, and I don’t even remember taking that interview.” His excitement is understandable, especially when you consider that no College World Series team had won the title in its first appearance in the finals in 60 years. “From the day we walked in there, we were kinda playing with house money,” says Gary Gilmore, Chanticleers head coach. “There weren’t a whole lot of expectations by all of the prognosticators—we were big-time underdogs in that whole deal.” Yet Gary and his coaching staff focused on factors outside of others’ expectations. “There are so many things that we can’t control,” Gary says. “The things we can, we want to be in complete control of: things like our preparation, how we do things to get ready for the game—things as simple as what time we go to bed at night. We don’t let the situation become bigger than life to us.” Take the pressure off One way the team maintained focus was simply by relaxing. “I don’t think anyone on our team felt pressure,” Gary says. A big reason for that: Gary discovered a newfound calmness in his coaching career last year, a trait he says came over him once he started reading the Bible every day. “I think the calmer I was, the calmer the team was,” Gary says. “There were several times in the playoffs when we did dumb things, and maybe five or 10 years ago, I would have come in the dugout and slung a helmet, let out some profanity and blown off steam. This time, I’d say, ‘Hey guys, not a problem. We’ll get them the next inning.’ ” After a hard loss in Game 1, Gary remembers praying for the right words to say to his crew. He walked into the locker room and started clapping in front of his bewildered team. “I told them that I was in the locker room of a national champion, and here’s what we’re going to do for the next two days.” Gary relayed who would pitch, who would relieve and what kind of success they were going to have. “I knew I had to make them believe that we could do it. We had lost, but we weren’t out.” And believing, it turns out, made all the difference. “Talent is on a piece of paper,” Gary explains. “We weren’t the most talented team there, but we played the best. I’ve coached one or two other teams that on paper had significantly more talent. And yet this team found a way to make it work.” Root, root, root for the underdog It’s no secret that most people love to pull for the underdog. Countless studies have backed up this phenomenon, including one published in 2007 in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. When 71 participants were asked which imaginary team—one ranked higher than the other—they hoped would prevail in an Olympic swimming event, 75 percent said they preferred to see the lower-ranked team win. “People love to be awed and inspired,” says Caroline Miller, a certified professional coach and author of Creating Your Best Life and Getting Grit. “It’s built into our DNA.” She says the inspiration we feel when we see people outperform themselves causes us to release oxytocin, frequently referred to as the “love hormone”—which makes it easy to see why we get so attached to underdogs. This affinity for the “little guy” extends beyond sports. Southwest Airlines, Apple and even political candidates have gained notoriety and loyal followings due to underdog status. That makes you wonder: What if we could tap into the mindset of underdogs? What enables them to overcome the odds, and how can it be developed? In his 2013 book David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants, Malcolm Gladwell explains how we often overlook the advantages that go along with being an underdog. He writes: “It can open doors and create opportunities and educate and enlighten and make possible what might otherwise have seemed unthinkable.” How sweet it is It turns out, we can learn a lot from all types of underdogs—whether we’re talking about a College World Series team or two self-described “hippiedippy” 20-somethings with a love of ice cream and breaking the rules. Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield met while running track in seventh grade gym class, the two slowest of the pack—quite fitting for the duo, as their underdog status would follow them into adulthood and eventually be their claim to fame. By the mid-1970s, Jerry had tried unsuccessfully to get into medical school, while Ben had dropped out of college and attempted to become a potter—only no one wanted to buy his pottery. The solution: They liked hanging out, and they liked eating, so they decided to go into the food business together. Their two favorite foods were ice cream and bagels, and since the machinery required for bagel-making came with a much heftier price tag than that of ice cream, the decision was simple. At war with a behemoth In 1978, Ben & Jerry’s first scoop shop opened in Burlington, Vermont, and beloved flavors like Chunky Monkey were born. As their local popularity began to grow, the pair began to package their ice cream into pint containers and sell it to restaurants and mom-and-pop shops. By the early 1980s, they had set their sights on their first major market: Boston. As they approached store owners there, they learned that business representatives from Haagen-Dazs—which sold to the same supermarkets—had issued an ultimatum to store owners: If they agreed to sell Ben and Jerry’s product, then they would not sell them Haagen-Dazs, a major moneymaker for the distributors. Ben and Jerry filed a class action lawsuit against Pillsbury, Haagen-Dazs’ parent company, but drawn-out legal battles weren’t a viable option for the small company. They knew they would run out of financial resources before the more established business. So what’s an underdog to do? “Ben and I learned to use every tool possible as underdogs, and the biggest resource we had was people,” Jerry says. “We didn’t have money. We didn’t have size to leverage. We had the opportunity to use our people to make a difference.” And so they got creative. The company launched the storied “What’s the Doughboy Afraid of?” campaign, taking out signs on buses, designing T-shirts and including an 800-number on the product packaging. Customers who called were treated to an answering machine message of the co-founders explaining the situation. If they left their address, a campaign bumper sticker was mailed to them. Taking their underdog cause to the streets ignited a passionate following, and Pillsbury soon backed down due to public pressure. These days, Ben & Jerry’s, which became a Unilever subsidiary in 2000, operates some 600 scoop shops in 35 countries. The company maintains an independent board of directors to “ensure we’re making the best ice cream possible in the best way possible,” as stated on benjerry.com. “There’s a curiosity that helps when we’re in that underdog mindset,” explains Michelle McQuaid, best-selling author and workplace well-being teacher. “It goes hand-in-hand with the strength of creativity and being willing to try new ways of doing things, rather than accepting that there’s only one path to success.” Also key to an underdog’s success is maintaining that mindset even after finding success. “In terms of what we spend on marketing and sales, there hasn’t been a significant change from when we were a small underdog business,” says Sean Greenwood, the “grand poobah” of public relations for Ben & Jerry’s and a nearly 30-year employee. “That forces us to be creative and keeps pushing us to use that underdog mindset in the marketplace.” Ben and Jerry didn’t fit the mold of your typical businessmen when they launched their ice cream business nearly 40 years ago—and it has made all the difference. “Embrace who you are and make that your strength,” Jerry says. “We wanted to be ice cream ‘for the people,’ and not an elegant treat just for some. Hold on to your beliefs. If you don’t like the way the model is, then think about changing the model to fit who you are.” A growth mindset Everyone has had moments of success—those times when we’ve pulled something off that we’ve been working really hard toward. Our brain is flooded with happy endorphins, and we never want the feeling to end. What we probably don’t realize, though, is that the high we gain from continued wins can be incredibly addictive. An interesting thing happens when we become accustomed to success. “Neurologically, it changes some things in our brain,” Michelle says. “We start to attach our success to our sense of identity. Then we can begin to fear if we’re not the winner, who does that mean we are?” That’s where underdogs have the upper hand, since they’re not burdened with that addiction to success. “The underdog mindset takes the pressure down,” Michelle says. “It changes the way our brains are working chemically, and it opens us up for learning and growth.” Taking the focus off winning and instead turning our attention toward learning and development is what psychologists call having a growth mindset—a key ingredient to an underdog’s success. Underdogs try harder Louisa Jewell, a well-being teacher and founder of the Canadian Positive Psychology Association, says this kind of thinking actually feeds winning behavior. “When you’re an underdog with a growth mindset, you think ‘I don’t have it yet. If I work harder, if I practice more, if I persevere in the face of obstacles, I can get better.’ ” A fixed mindset, on the other hand, leads people to believe they either have it or they don’t—not leaving much room for improvement. “When we have a fixed mindset around our talents, then it doesn’t really propel us into action,” Louisa says. “It doesn’t really motivate us toward behaviors that allow us to work harder and believe that we could one day be the winner.” Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck, Ph.D., is a leading researcher on growth mindset. In her research, she discovered that high achievers without a growth mindset eventually plateau and achieve less than they’re capable of because the anxiety tied to their previous successes becomes overwhelming, leading them to stop taking risks. Those with a growth mindset, however, go on to achieve high levels of success in all areas of their lives since they understand that it’s best to keep learning and growing. “It’s not that we don’t love a good outcome when we’re in a growth mindset,” Michelle explains. “We just prioritize the learning over the outcome. The funny thing is, the less we attach to the outcome, the more likely we usually are to get the desired outcome.” According to Caroline, people are often further motivated when they don’t quite get to the finish line the first time around—a concept researchers refer to as the psychology of the near miss, which is a type of failure that comes close to being a success. Take Alex, who before throwing the winning pitch in the 2016 College World Series had lost his high school state championship game three years in a row. “That definitely lit a fire in me that hadn’t gone away until that final pitch of the World Series,” Alex says. Like Alex, those who have authentic grit—another ingredient to an underdog’s success—will be inspired to come back and work harder. Caroline describes authentic grit as the passionate pursuit of hard goals that allows us to take responsible risks and promotes flourishing. “There’s a modicum of failure in everything that we try to achieve,” Gary says. “If you stay with it, every time you get knocked down gives you that much more resilience to come back and fight twice as hard.” Underdogs—and anyone striving for their goals—must also have a strong support system, Gary says. “All of us fail at really anything we try to do in life the majority of the time. We’ve got to have help from above, great friends and great family there to support us.” Don't worry, be happy Studies show us that for athletes to perform at their best, it helps for them to have fun and play in a carefree way. “Carefree doesn’t mean careless or caring less,” says Mike Margolies, chief operating officer of Mental Training Inc. and author of The Athlete Within You. “It means you’re focused on being present.” Think about it this way: Top dogs are usually in a no-win situation. If they win, that was expected. If they don’t, it’s a huge upset. Those in the favored position are under more pressure so they don’t always perform at their best—an advantage to the underdog. “An underdog’s confidence will start to rise because their expectations are pretty low,” Mike explains. “That means they’re going to play at a higher level because they can play carefree.” Winning for the underdog is a bonus, since they don’t face the same scrutiny as the top dog. “It was easy for us to play with confidence because we didn’t have that bar already set for us,” Alex says. “We were just having the time of our lives. There were no expectations to live up to.” Don't forget your 'why' The benefits of having fun aren’t limited to sports. In 1979, one year after being in business, Ben & Jerry’s developed two company philosophies: one focused on giving back to the community, and the second being, “If it’s not fun, why do it?” This importance on having fun is still a huge part of the company’s DNA, but the philosophy was phrased as a question on purpose. The co-founders say there were times with their startup business when 80-hour workweeks were the norm and fun wasn’t always on the agenda. The key is to know why you’re doing it. “You have to have a sense of passion,” Michelle says. “It’s really hard to persist as an underdog if what we’re chasing isn’t meaningful to us, because otherwise falling down just gets too painful for most of us.” Whether it’s launching a business, winning a sports title or achieving the countless other goals that lie within us, we’ve all probably felt at one point like insurmountable odds might get in the way. Luckily, lessons learned from successful underdogs can help guide us on our own paths to success. “If you’re going to be elite, every now and then you’re going to have to be an underdog,” Caroline says. “If you’re an underdog, it means you’re definitely not guaranteed a win—you’re shooting for the moon. Everyone should learn how to do that.” Amanda Gleason writes regularly for Live Happy magazine. Check out her other stories The Birthday Party Project Gives Homeless Kids a Day to Sparkle and Make-a-Wish: Where Science and Hope Meet.

Giving

The Birthday Party Project Gives Homeless Kids a Day to Sparkle

Each month, 31 homeless shelters across the country serve as the backdrop for children’s birthday celebrations, transforming into magical settings where dance parties, spirited renditions of “Happy Birthday” and gleeful squeals combine to form just the right amount of controlled chaos. The organization behind the magic is The Birthday Party Project (TBPP), a North Texas-based nonprofit with event planner Paige Chenault at the helm. Its mission? To throw birthday parties for kids in homeless shelters—an idea that was originally sparked in Paige during a flight in 2008. Running her own successful events company at the time, Paige was pregnant with her daughter, Lizzie. As she read an article about kids’ birthday parties, she grew excited at the possibilities for Lizzie. On the same flight, she picked up another magazine and flipped to an image she says she’ll never forget: a young Haitian boy with sunken eyes, standing barefoot and shirtless in a crowded street but seemingly unnoticed. “Here I was dreaming about all the things I could do for Lizzie, and someone like him will never feel celebrated the way I knew I could celebrate her,” Paige says. By touchdown, the seeds of TBPP were planted. “I realized I could use my talents to throw birthday parties for kids who need it,” Paige says. “I felt in the core of who I was that I was being called to this.” Let the Games Begin Fast-forward to January 2012: TBPP hosted its first party at Family Gateway, a homeless shelter in downtown Dallas, committed to throw one bash each month there for the entire year. Paige, along with her husband, Colin, and a group of 15 close friends, entered that first event excited but unsure of what they were about to do. “We wondered if the kids would even like us,” Paige says. Luckily, the bracelet-making, balloon keep-away and spontaneous dance party helped win over the 50 children in attendance. After the party ended, 11-year-old Micah, whose demeanor had shifted from reserved to free-spirited, said, “Thank you, Miss Paige. This is the first birthday party I’ve ever had.” That powerful moment stuck with Paige. “I knew we were on to something great,” she says. Five years later, TBPP now partners with 31 homeless and transitional living facilities in 12 cities. Each month, shelters identify children ages 1 to 18 who will be celebrating a birthday. Paige, a team of six employees and an army of volunteers—dubbed “party enthusiasts”—then plan a group party, complete with an individual cake and gift for each birthday boy or girl. All of the children staying at the shelter, as well as parents of the guests of honor, are invited to attend the one-hour celebrations. Annie Fernandez, director of magic for TBPP, devises each month’s party theme: “Art Party,” “Mad Science” and “Olympics” have all made the lineup. This March, the theme is “Spring Fling”—think relay races incorporating gardening tools—while April brings “Superheroes,” giving kids the chance to create their own masks. Last December, 9-year-old Alicia celebrated her birthday at People Serving People in Minneapolis. A memorable moment? Teasing a staff member dressed as Frozen’s friendly snowman, Olaf, she said she was going to “eat his carrot nose with ranch.” The birthday parties can leave a lasting impression on the parents, too—just ask Lakechia Thompson, whose 3-year-old son, Kaden, celebrated his birthday at Detroit’s Coalition on Temporary Shelter. “The best part was the intent—to make the children feel important, regardless of their circumstances,” Lakechia says. Ready, Set, Grow To date, TBPP has celebrated about 3,400 birthdays, leading Paige to focus on the organization full time in 2014. This year, TBPP aims to increase its number of monthly parties from 31 to 45, helping spread joy to more of the country’s 2.5 million homeless children. Plenty of ways to get in on the magic await: Besides volunteering at a party, “sharing” your birthday is also an option. Instead of asking for presents on your birthday, collect gifts for TBPP, or set up a fundraising page on their website. “Every week, the children ask, ‘Is this the week of the birthday party?’” says Kathy Kidwell, director of community engagement at Family Gateway. “It’s life-changing changing for them—there’s nothing like it. It’s priceless.” Find out how you can get involved with The Birthday Party Project. Amanda Gleason writes regularly for Live Happy magazine. Check out her feature story "Make-a-Wish: Where Science and Hope Meet."

Practice

Ditch These 5 Habits to Find Happiness

If you search the literature of positive psychology you’ll find scant evidence that a second car in the garage or an overstuffed closet is the key to greater well-being. And while research shows that experiences, rather than material things, are a more reliable source of lasting contentment, constant busyness won’t likely lead to bliss either. In fact, boosting happiness doesn’t require getting or having more. Instead, the key to a happier life often lies in ditching bad habits, attitudes and beliefs that stand in the way of experiencing expansive joy. We talked to experts for their advice on what to give up to let greater happiness in. And some very happy people share what they cast aside to live fuller, more purpose-driven lives. Linda and Howard Payne We gave up a permanent address for life on the road.” In 2004, Linda Payne asked her husband, Howard, a simple question: “What’s the point of living the American dream if it’s not making us happy?” Howard was a real-estate attorney who had sold the title company he’d built to a much larger firm. Now he was running seven of their offices and Linda was operations manager for the largest one. They were both 41, had been married for 18 years and had no children by choice. Though they were far from millionaires, their life in Louisville, Kentucky, was comfortable: A 3,750-square-foot home, two cars in the garage, a country club membership. But to squeeze out more profitability, the company had shrunk the workforce from 90 to 35, and it fell to Howard to do the firing. “I was working tons of hours and constantly stressed,” he says. “The pressure was driving a wedge between Linda and me. We’d become more like roommates than spouses.” During a two-week summer wilderness vacation in Alaska where they hiked, fished, went rafting and bird watching, they reconnected. But back home, Linda’s spirits sunk. “I don’t understand,” she remembers thinking, “why we kill ourselves all of our lives just so we can retire and go do the things we want to do then.” She knew it would take something “drastic,” she says, to change their lives. One day the idea of living full time in an RV just “popped into my head.” The two had never even ridden in a recreational vehicle, but Howard was game. With a little online research, he discovered a growing culture of people living in motor homes, many of whom are so-called work campers, or "workampers," for short, who travel from campground to campground for part-time or volunteer jobs. The Paynes quit their jobs, sold their house and in August 2005 hit the road in a motor home and headed for national parks. They counted migrating sea birds, operated a nature tram, restored trails and led visitors on nature walks. Their annual income barely topped $25,000 but their expenses were low. Linda and Howard have since gone on to build a popular website, rv-dreams.com, and they frequently speak at rallies, seminars and conferences at RV shows across the country. “We’re semi-famous in the RV world,” Howard says. But the biggest payoff of their new life together is the closeness they’ve rediscovered. “We don’t have that roommate thing anymore,” Howard says. “We’re a team, we’re best friends.” Ask Linda if she’s happier living without a high-stress job and in a home that’s on wheels and she turns to her husband. “How happy are we, honey?” she asks, then laughs. “We’re way, way happier now. We may not be monetarily rich, but we’re rich in experiences.” Thomas Giordonello I gave up being on social media 24/7” When Thomas Giordonello saw a news clip last August about someone trying to scale Trump Tower with suction cups, something struck him: the guy had really good climbing equipment. A minute later Thomas, a public relations account executive, was on the phone with his client Outside magazine. The next morning an Outside editor hit the morning news shows, offering commentary on the climber’s gear and technique. That kind of vigilance made Thomas very good at his job. But when his boyfriend noted that even during a special night out, he was always distracted by a screen, Thomas knew he needed to make a change. Today, he allows himself “little windows” on weekends to make sure he hasn’t missed something important. “Other than that,” he says, “my phone is in my pocket. While technology is amazing, I’m trying to live more in the moment and I’m really connecting with people. When a friend tells me she went on a date with someone new, instead of my saying, ‘Hey, pull up his photo on Instagram,’ I ask, what did you guys talk about? How did you feel at the end of the date?” When Thomas hosted a recent dinner party for a group of friends he’s known since kindergarten, he put a basket near the front door and asked everyone to check their phones. “While I did notice a friend or two check their phones on the way to the bathroom,” he says, “I can say that the authenticity of the conversation grew exponentially with each phone that went into the basket.” Angela Eastwick I let go of needing other people's approval.” In 2010, Angela Eastwick quit her job at a New York City media training company, sold or gave away nearly everything she owned and moved to Negril, Jamaica, with about $8,000 in savings. Her dream was to open a nightlife touring company on the Caribbean island she had come to love on family vacations growing up. “The life I was living—office work, commuting, cold weather, neighbors who were strangers—wasn’t making me happy,” Angela says. “I felt I was living in repeats of a black and white TV show, and I wanted to live a life of color. Still, there was a lot of pressure not to go. All my friends and family told me I was crazy. My father offered to buy me a condo if I stayed. Everyone thought I’d fail and be home within a year.” Her first few months in Jamaica, Angela lived in a boarding house in the fishing community of Broughton. She had no kitchen, no hot water, no cable, no internet. “It was a humbling, life-changing experience,” Angela says. “But I got used to the cold showers and living a more wholesome, simple life. It’s amazing all the things you think you need that you don’t.” She began her business, JuJu Tours, by strolling Negril’s beaches, offering visitors authentic tours that included swimming holes, waterfalls and small cafes that locals frequented. From the beginning, JuJu Tours has had a giving-back element. Angela asks people to bring along small toys or school supplies from the local dollar store to give out to children. As the company gained success, its charitable reach increased. The Good JuJu Charity Project has adopted and renovated a struggling nursery school in Broughton, and every year since 2012, it’s provided tuition, uniforms, books and lunches for 30 students. Three years ago, with a loan from her father, Angela purchased a broken-down property on the beach to turn into a guesthouse. “It was shabby, dirty and had been hit by Hurricane Ivan and then occupied by squatters,” she says. Repairs took far longer and were more expensive than Angela had anticipated, but in November 2014, Somewhere West finally launched on Airbnb. Along the way, Angela fell in love; she and her partner, Jermelee Limoth, have two young sons. They are renovating their own home now, which is next to the guesthouse. “I don’t care if our home isn’t luxurious,” Angela says. “We have a roof over our heads, a kitchen to cook in and the kids are safe. This journey hasn’t been easy, but my life is filled with purpose and love.” Angela let go of her black-and-white life and embraced happiness in living color. Below are five habits that experts recommend you take a good look at in your life. You may need to ditch these if you really want to choose happiness. 1. Complaining It always rains when I need to go across town. Why can’t they do something about these lines at Starbucks? My boss is driving me crazy, again! It’s easy to go through a day airing one grievance after another. But constant complaining is not only monotonous, a study in the Journal of Social Psychology suggests that repeatedly airing pet peeves about a current or previous partner can undermine relationship satisfaction. Will Bowen was a unity minister at a church in Kansas City when he made it his mission to reduce this torrent of negativity. “A complaint is the opposite of gratitude and acceptance,” he says, “which we know are keys to happiness.” Will created a purple silicone “complaint-free” bracelet. Each time you whine you switch the bracelet from one wrist to the other. The goal is go 21 days without complaining, or long enough to begin to form a peeve-free habit. More than 11 million bracelets have been sold or donated at willbowen.com. It took Will, who would go on to write the book A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted, four months to hit the 21-day milestone. But even if you never string together three complaint-free weeks, gaining awareness can help you change from being a persistent complainer to an effective, and more contented, one. That could mean complaining in moderation and to the proper audience. Guy Winch, Ph.D., author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships, and Enhance Self-Esteem suggests having a goal in mind before you voice dissatisfaction. Ask the waiter to warm up your tepid soup rather than lamenting to your four dining companions. 2. Multitasking We check our Twitter feeds while watching Game of Thrones, chat on our hands-free phones when we’re driving home from work, catch up on the news while we’re playing Monopoly with the kids. A ping or buzz is all it takes to divert our attention. “Our brains like novelty and excitement,” says psychiatrist Gary Small, director of the UCLA Longevity Center at the Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior. “And our wonderful digital gadgets promise just that. But all this multitasking, or what’s also called partial continuous attention, is putting us in a state of heightened mental stress.” Multitasking, experts say, is actually a misnomer. We’re not really doing two, or more, things at once. Instead, we’re “switch-tasking,” interrupting one activity to focus on another. A 2014 study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that even when this stop-and-restart process takes just three to five seconds—barely enough time to flit from a PowerPoint presentation to your inbox—that’s long enough to double or triple the number of errors participants made in the task they were assigned. “In other words,” Gary says, “we’re becoming faster but sloppier.” Not only does juggling tasks make us error-prone, it undermines any chance of achieving the immersive state that psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Ph.D., calls flow. “When our brains are jumping around,” Gary says, “there’s a staccato quality to our mental experience. That takes us away from deeper, more profound thoughts and feelings.” Read more: 6 Steps to Unplug From Work 3. Spending Time With Negative People You know that sneezing, sniffling, coughing neighbor? Stay away from her. And, that colleague who predicts every new project is sure to flop? Stay away from him, too. A growing body of research shows that we “catch” emotions, both negative and positive, as easily as we catch viruses. Not only are we susceptible to other people’s negative emotions, our behaviors and cognitions might also change, says Sigal Barsade, Ph.D., the Joseph Frank Bernstein Professor of Management at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, who studies emotional contagion. First we mimic the body language and verbal style of Debbie Downer, her slumped shoulders, angry expression and flat pattern of speech. Then, we start feeling the mood we’ve just witnessed: depression, anxiety, pessimism. And, finally, the mood we’ve now adopted as our own affects our behavior. We turn down an invitation to a friend’s country house because all we can foresee is gnarly traffic and bugs. We certainly don’t want to drop a friend because they’re grieving or depressed. But it’s worth asking yourself, Sigal says, “Do you dislike who you are when you’re with this person? If the answer is yes, you may well be better off limiting your time with them.” If that’s not possible, Sigal suggests three strategies to boost your immunity to toxic colleagues or relatives: First, don’t look at them. “Our attention tends to be drawn to negative people, so don’t let them cross your line of vision. If you’re not looking at someone, you won’t subconsciously start mimicking him.” Second, have compassion and offer the most generous interpretation of their actions and attitude. As long as someone isn’t being abusive, counter her negativity with kindness and compassion. Third, have a conversation. If the person is someone who’s very close to you and they only recently began grousing, you might start by saying something like, “You seem really unhappy lately. Have you thought about what you can do to change things?” 4. Perpetual Motion “Everyone is juggling so much that busyness has become a chronic condition of modern society,” says Hugh Byrne, Ph.D., author of The Here and Now Habit: How Mindfulness Can Help You Break Unhealthy Habits Once and For All. “There’s a tightness in our bodies because we’ve triggered the flight or fight mode. That’s a part of our nervous system that evolved to help us defend ourselves against outside threats, but it’s not a joyful way to live out our whole existence.” And while we’re constantly running, we often feel we’re not getting anywhere because we’re not taking time to reflect on where it is we really want to go. “It’s important,” Hugh says, “to step off the treadmill now and then where there’s no agenda.” Hugh recommends establishing a regular meditation practice, beginning with just five or 10 minutes a day. Sit quietly and breathe deeply in and out, perhaps silently repeating, “Breathing in, calming the body; breathing out, calming the mind.” Try, as well, to sprinkle doses of mindfulness throughout your day. “Enjoy a sacred pause when you’re stopped at a red light,” Hugh says. “When the phone rings, don’t answer it right away. Use the first couple of rings as a reminder to get in touch with your breath. It’s small little transitions like these that allow us to detach from the damaging cycle of low-level stress.” 5. Self-Criticism We’ve all heard a doomsday inner voice that tells us we were a bore at the party, a fool at the meeting, a selfish partner, a deficient parent. For some of us, the voice is ever-present, an automatic response to every situation. “You’ve had these negative thoughts so often, they become a well-trodden neural pathway,” says psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., author of Better Than Perfect: 7 Strategies to Crush Your Inner Critic and Create a Life You Love. “Especially when you’re stressed it’s the shortcut your brain takes.” Forging a new path takes time. UCLA psychiatrist Judith Orloff, author of The Empath's Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, says her own spiritual teacher once told her, “Progress occurs when we beat ourselves up a little less every day.” Here are three ways to begin to halt the self-flagellation: Stand in front of a mirror and say kindly, “I look wonderful and I’m a caring, generous person.” Then, in your nastiest tone, say, “I look horrible and I can’t stand myself.” In the first scenario, you’ll likely feel your gut untighten, your breathing become easier. In the second, the opposite will happen. Take in what this teaches you about "the energetic power of your emotions," Judith says. Reframe negative thoughts. Elizabeth suggests asking yourself these questions: “How do I want to see this situation?” “How might someone I admire view it?” “What advice would I give a friend in the same situation?” Move into a judgment-free zone with a new activity. Take a cake decorating class or guitar lessons. “Your goal is to have fun,” Elizabeth says. “That means redefining what I call a ‘win.’ It’s not looking better than someone else, the win is showing up and enjoying the process. And the beauty is when you stop judging and comparing yourself in this new hobby, it can carry over into other areas of your life. Read more: The 10 Things Happy People Don't Do Shelley Levitt is a freelance writer living in Los Angeles and an editor at large for Live Happy. Shelley's other recent features include Can Fermented Food Elevate Your Mood and Srikumar Rao Wants You to Feel Radiantly Alive.

Young Asian woman giving the peace sign.

Practice

Inclined to Be Kind

On a Saturday morning in February, more than 400 people gathered in Cincinnati’s Fountain Square for a peaceful march. But what made this event different from other recent marches around the country and the world is that this wasn’t a protest, most of the participants were children—and they had gathered to promote kindness. Bill Hammons, co-organizer of the Children’s Kindness March, says he came up with the idea when he saw how his 10- and 12-year-old sons were affected by recent political events. “The tone and tenor of national politics [this past election] has been mean and demeaning. Our kids feel this,” he says. “I thought how great it would be to have some positive messaging that could get our kids out and feel like they could participate and make a difference.” He reached out to his friend Sally O’Callaghan, and the idea for the Children’s Kindness March was born. Within hours they had announced it on Facebook and it immediately started to gain traction. “We wanted to focus on children for this march because we felt it was something they needed,” Bill explains. “Most kids naturally ‘get’ kindness. Hopefully, we can put some positivity into our community and get people to focus on what is important…which is kindness.” Lasting benefits The idea of spreading kindness is nothing new; we teach it to our children and we intrinsically know it’s important. But we may overlook how good it is for us both physically and emotionally. Whether we’re giving it or receiving it, kindness has powerful lasting effects. “One of the immediate side effects of kindness is that it makes us feel happier,” explains David R. Hamilton, Ph.D., author of The Five Side Effects of Kindness. “It brings a sense of connection, warmth, gratitude and happiness.” Some studies also have connected acts of kindness with reduced depression and anxiety, and in addition to positive emotional reactions, kindness has been linked with physical benefits. “Focusing on the feelings of compassion and kindness actually cause physical changes in the brain,” David says, adding that most of these changes are seen in the left prefrontal cortex—an area associated with positive emotions and self-control. Kindness also produces oxytocin, which is often called the “love hormone,” as well as elevating levels of dopamine and serotonin. In addition to making us feel happier, that has biological effects that can help lower blood pressure, regulate cholesterol and lower levels of inflammation in the body. Passing it on As if the individual benefits didn’t provide enough reason to rethink kindness, it also has a viral effect. Simply witnessing an act of kindness can make us feel more inclined to be kind, and David says that’s due to a one-two punch that begins with the inspiration we feel from watching that act of kindness. “A person feels uplifted by either receiving or witnessing kindness,” he explains. “That moves us to imitate what we witnessed or experienced.” That can trigger the “pay it forward” phenomenon, creating a domino effect among all those who participate. But for all its benefits, David has found there’s one caveat for reaping the rewards of kindness: you can’t fake it. “It’s nature’s catch-22; the side effects only occur when kindness is genuine,” he says. “The biological effects come through the felt connection and elevation that genuine kindness produces. You don’t get the positive side effects if you’re only looking to gain.” Read more: Start a Ripple of Kindness in Your Community Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy magazine.

science

This Is Your Brain on Humor

Laugh and the world laughs with you, the adage goes. And while laughter and the happiness it brings actually can be contagious—thanks in part to mirror neurons that fire when we observe other people doing a certain action—humor brings with it a variety of surprising benefits even when we enjoy it alone. As researchers have started to look more closely at humor and its effects, they’ve discovered that genuine laughter or mirth lights up multiple areas of the brain. As a joke unfolds, the frontal lobe jumps into action to process the information. It serves as a gatekeeper of sorts and determines if we’re going to “get” the joke or not. If the frontal lobe finds something potentially funny, it lets the effects of that humor proceed, and sends out an electrical wave through the cerebral cortex. From there, the rest of our body responds with surprise, delight and laughter. The results can be anything from a mild chuckle to an all-out belly laugh. And that chuckle does more for you than you might realize. According to research by Carl Marci, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and the director of social neuroscience in the Psychotherapy Research Program at Massachusetts General Hospital, laughter and humor are, among other things, powerful agents in combating mood disorders. Laughter can trigger the brain’s emotional reward center, delivering a heaping dose of feel-good dopamine and mood-lifting serotonin. It can even increase the release of endorphins, the pain-relieving chemicals our brain releases in response to such things as exercise, food and sex. Laughter as a coping tool “Humor definitely has positive effects on us psychologically,” says Alex Borgella, a Ph.D. candidate in psychology at Tufts University, whose research is centered on how, why and when we use humor. “Laughter [is] one of the very first vocalizations made by babies at as early as 2 months. From there, we learn what to laugh at based on our experiences, attitudes and friendships.” Alex says that studies on humor and mental health show a correlation between higher sense of humor scores and attributes such as greater self-esteem, better coping skills during stressful times and a better image of self and of our place in the world. People with a more developed sense of humor may be better equipped for dealing with difficult and even life-threatening situations. “For people working in occupations where negativity or even traumatic events are frequent, such as ER doctors and nurses police and firefighters, having a sense of humor is often described as being essential for the job to prevent occupational burnout,” Alex says. Of course, in order for a joke to work, there has to be a punch line, and it’s that surprise that often triggers the brain’s response to the joke as we are given a new or different way to interpret the situation. Whether we “get” the joke, and whether or not we see it as funny, depends on many different factors. “‪Individual differences exist in the perception of humorous stimuli because of individual differences in other areas,” Alex explains. “For example, a person with preexisting negative views toward a certain social group might think jokes disparaging that group are funny, while actual members of that social group might not. Individual differences in understanding also play a role in humor differences; a computer scientist might find jokes about the complexity of programming in C++a lot funnier than I do.” Nuances of negative humor When it comes to disparagement humor—or humor that belittles an individual or social group—research indicates that even though disparagements are framed as a joke, repeated exposure to such humor can cause us to take situations such as racism or sexism less seriously. “The majority of the research on this topic describes the negative effects of telling or hearing jokes about stigmatized social groups. For example, some research has shown men exposed to sexist humor are more likely to endorse sexist beliefs, withhold donations from women’s organizations and even sometimes have higher endorsements of rape myths,” Alex says. “These effects are obviously negative, and I think the research supports we should attempt to mitigate them.” But not all negative humor has a negative effect, he adds. In fact, “some negative humor might provide us with some relief.” He points to research indicating that turning the negativity toward one’s self and using self-deprecating humor while, say, giving a speech, results in better response from an audience and greater ease. “Using self-deprecating humor to kick off your talk is high on any list [of how to give better speeches] because it makes the audience more comfortable. These effects are similar even in one-on-one situations and across many different identities,” says Alex. Regardless of whether you like your humor a bit on the dark side or prefer it sunny-side up, Alex says that knowing what it does for you—both psychologically and physically—is important. And, he believes, we are probably using it more often than we realize. “We use humor in the processes of forming and maintaining relationships, both casual and intimate. We use humor, at least in part, to decide which television shows to watch, which products to buy, and even which candidates to support,” he says. “A good knowledge of all the factors that play into why we laugh can help us understand all these issues a little better.” Listen to our podcast with comedian and positive psychologist Yakov Smirnoff! Paula Felps is the Science Editor for Live Happy.