Man holding out a small wrapped present.

When Gift Giving Goes Wrong

I once counseled a couple named Jill and John. For Jill’s birthday, John decided that it would be really special to surprise her with a fabulous dessert. Her birthday was close to the Fourth of July, and the local market was featuring a huge display of cherry pies. John thought, “I don’t want to be predictable. I’m not going to get her the standard birthday cake; I’m going to get her something special. I am going to buy her a cherry pie! Little did he know that not only did Jill not like pie, she hated cherries. A gift as sweet as cherry pie John was so excited because he thought outside of the box and was already envisioning this as the start of a tradition. He came home with the pie hidden inside a huge beautiful tissue-filled gift bag. Jill looked at the package with joy and excitedly reached inside the bag. When she saw the pie, her face fell. “What is this?” she asked. “A cherry pie!” John said proudly. “I hate cherries, and I hate pie! Who would ever choose a pie for a birthday gift?” Without asking any questions or being open to his explanation, Jill ran into the next room and slammed the door. Jill reacted based on her (high) expectations and lashed out. If she had heard the story, she would have realized how sweet and well-meaning John was. She found out two weeks later when they came to see me about this conflict. It really is the thought that counts With a little bit of patience and a strong desire to connect, Jill and John learned about one another’s gift-receiving style. The irony of it is that John still gets Jill a cherry pie every year (it’s a tradition). She still doesn’t eat the pie, but she shares it with family and enjoys her favorite vanilla ice cream with one cherry on top. I share this story with you because even though gift giving and receiving can bring with it lots of pleasure, the challenges and expectations that come along with it can sink the experience—even when laden with the best of intentions. Read more: Give Happy Gifts come loaded with expectations According to one survey by the National Retail Federation, about $60 billion in gifts are returned in the course of a single calendar year. (Obviously this dramatic statistic does not include the number of gifts that were politely kept in a back closet.) Gift giving and receiving can come loaded with a great deal of psychological and emotional baggage. It often provides a window into how we feel about one another. It can send a nonverbal message that lets someone know his or her value; it can be used as a means of building a bond; it is a way of showing gratitude or appreciation; and it can even impact the quality and stability of a relationship. Both material and sentimental gifts can be mood-altering. Despite the lofty notion that all gifts should be received graciously, and all gifts should be given with love and thoughtfulness, there are far too many circumstances in which the exchange falls short of our ideals. Part of what makes gift giving such dangerous territory is that it isn’t just about the gift, it’s about the perception of how much or how little you understand the person’s wants and needs. ADVICE FOR THE GIVER Put yourself in the receiver’s shoes. Ask yourself what type of gift is meaningful to the recipient and what he or she might think and feel upon receiving a certain gift. Always keep in mind that there may be an underlying meaning to a gift and ask yourself what message you might be sending. Understand the social context of a gift exchange (a birthday, wedding shower, roast, holiday, etc.) and the acceptable price range based on previous exchanges with this person. Know the recipient’s general likes and take into account age, gender and taste. I’ve found that women tend to prefer gifts that are sentimental and have extra thought and meaning put into them. Men tend to prefer gifts that are practical and functional. A man might be truly surprised when his wife reacts negatively to the new microwave oven he got her for Mother’s Day! Keep your eye out for hints that the receiver may not even realize that he or she is giving, such as a subtle comment like, “I rarely spend the money to get myself a massage.” If you know that a family member finds gift cards impersonal, pick out an item from a store that has a liberal return policy. Read more: 9 Great Gifts That Are Experiences ADVICE FOR THE RECEIVER To help others find just the right gift for you, spend some time wandering through stores, looking at catalogues, or researching classes you might take with family or friends. Discuss your favorite things year-round, so that you can always have ideas when the subject of gift giving comes up. Find subtle ways to steer the giver in the right direction so that both of you get the most happiness and best experience out of the exchange. When receiving any gift, whether you like it or not, be outwardly gracious, express appreciation for the gesture and send a thank you card. It is one of those social skills that parents spend an enormous amount of time teaching their children, especially when they open up gifts in front of others! Stacy Kaiseris a licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. She is also the author of the best-selling book,How to Be a Grown Up: The Ten Secret Skills Everyone Needs to Know, and an editor-at-large for Live Happy. Stacy is a frequent guest on television programs such asTodayandGood Morning America.
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Illustration of a woman knitting a heart.

Giving From Heart and Hands

Two steps into the little yarn shop on Third Street, and I simply laughed in delight. To a woman with a passion for knitting, Knit Culture in Los Angeles is a whisper of heaven. From floor to ceiling, baskets, shelves and cubbies are stuffed with a thousand skeins of yarn from a thousand farms all over the world—neatly arranged by texture and color. Bamboo yarns from Sichuan Province in China. Silk yarns from a plantation in India. Plumped-up wooly rastas from sheep farms in Uruguay, cashmere from goat farms in Mongolia. Soft baby alpaca yarn from Vermont. And the colors! Passionate purples, demure beiges, moody sea greens, curried yellows, rich creams and wild oranges all reflect the warm California light from the store’s front window—judiciously aided by halogen spots that allow the colors to glow with energy. Reverently, I reach out a hand to touch the delicate yarn of a baby alpaca, and I’m deftly caught in the eternal question of the passionate knitter: “What can I make with this?” Cast on! Somewhere around 28 million of us now regularly gather in yarn shops, knitting retreats and neighborhood knitting circles, so people are beginning to get used to us crazy knitters ooh-ing and ah-ing over a pile of yarn as though it were a baby. Today we knit everything from Christmas stockings to sweaters for family and friends. But according to the Craft Yarn Council of America, a whopping 49 percent of those who knit in the United States also spend time creating hats, socks, scarves, mittens and shawls for those who are ill, bereaved, abandoned, homeless and without hope. The payback for our generosity is immediate. Knitters have found that soft yarn, rhythmic movements and yarn-besotted friends counter the hard stresses, isolation and frantic pace of daily life. And studies back us up. At Harvard Medical School, for example, one study suggests that knitting drops us into a relaxed, meditative state that reduces blood pressure, lowers heart rate and mobilizes the 40,000 genes in the body to induce changes that counteract the effects of stress. Another study, this one published in the British Journal of Occupational Therapy, found that 81 percent of study participants diagnosed with depression reported feeling happier after knitting—and half of them emphasized that they were “very” happy. Knitting may cause the brain to release the feel-good neurotransmitter serotonin, explains Dr. Carrie Barron, a psychiatrist at Columbia College of Physicians and Surgeons in New York and a knitter herself. What’s more, there’s some suggestion that engaging in any activity that releases serotonin on a regular basis can, over time, “train” the brain to release more of it, thus suggesting that a simple hobby like knitting can have a long-term effect on our happiness. “We need more research,” Carrie says. “But I think we have a real need to make things. And knitting for others takes the effects of knitting on our psyche to a whole other level. It connects us to others in a very deep way.” Save the babies Few understand the deep connections knitting makes better than former Washington state social worker Jackie Lambert. Jackie is the caring woman who spends 40 hours a week knitting hats and sweaters for children who need them—particularly the Syrian children who now live in refugee camps in Jordan and throughout the Middle East. Of the 3 million men, women and children who fled the brutality rampant in Syria over the past two years, nearly 740,000 ended up in Jordan only to find that winter in the desert manifests its own kind of brutality. “Millions of people left Syria with just the clothes on their back,” Jackie says. “Now they’re living in tents in the snow. Every child needs a hat, a sweater and a blanket, and nobody has socks.” The U.N.’s World Health Organization stresses the need for hats to prevent life-threatening heat loss in babies, which is one reason why knitters around the world have had their needles clicking since the first wave of refugees left Syria. Two women from Ireland and an artist working with Save the Children in Syria launched a group called Save the Babies: Hats for War-Torn Syria, then put out an online call to knitters. The response was amazing. One newspaper reported 4,000 hats have been sent to Jordan’s Zaatari refugee camp alone. “You hear horrific things on the news, but this is something you can do something about on a one-to-one basis,” Jackie says. “For every child who gets a hat and a sweater, that’s one kid who isn’t getting cold.” Handmade Especially for You! While some of us knit to keep people warm, others knit to bring them comfort. And that includes California transplant Leslye Borden. Leslye had always loved knitting, so when she retired from running her own photo-sourcing agency in New York, she figured she’d spend her time sitting in the sun with a pair of needles and a ball of yarn. “I made the most gorgeous things for my three granddaughters,” she chuckles. “Beautiful sweaters, skirts, legwarmers, mittens, muffs—wherever they went people would stop them and ask, ‘Where did you get that?’ ” But as her daughter finally pointed out, how many sweaters, leg-warmers and mittens did the girls need? And where were they supposed to store them all? So Leslye looked around to find others who might need her gifts. She stumbled across an organization in Chicago that asked women to knit scarves for women who had been raped. “I had no idea when I made them what the scarves could do,” Leslye says. “I thought they’d be like a security blanket—something to hold on to.” But abused women told Leslye that the scarves felt like a hug around the neck and gave them a lift. And that’s all it took to yank her out of retirement. “I was amazed by the response,” Leslye says. She founded Handmade Especially for You, a nonprofit organization based near her home in Rancho Palos Verdes, and decided to make whimsical, wildly colorful scarves for women in California who had escaped abusive situations. In 2008, she approached yarn shop owner June Grossberg, who’d opened Concepts in Yarn in Torrance, California, and got enough donated yarn to knit a trunk-full of scarves—plus space to hold a scarf-knitting group every Wednesday night that continues today. Other yarn shops began sending Leslye yarn, knitters all over the state volunteered to help, and the next thing Leslye knew she was bagging yarn to send to knitters and shipping or delivering 12,000 scarves a year to 60 shelters throughout the state—each scarf with an attached tag signed by the knitter that says, “Made especially for you!” “My husband and I used to have a beautiful home,” Leslye says, chuckling. “Now everything is yarn or scarves—bags of yarn waiting to be wrapped, boxes of yarn waiting to be shipped, and boxes of scarves waiting to be opened.” She laughs. “I just love it!” A mother bear on the loose Leslye is not the only knitter to find herself launching an organization in response to someone’s need for nurturing. When Amy Berman, a Minnesota sales representative and mother of two young children, read a magazine story on virgin rape in sub-Saharan Africa some years ago, it made her sick. The story revealed a cultural myth that having sex with a virgin—including toddlers and infants—would protect or cure men from AIDS. The result was a practice that had left shattered children across the region and an increase in HIV and AIDS. “It was the most horrible thing I could think of,” says Amy, a former volunteer rape counselor. “Something that hurt kids and spread AIDS as well?” She shudders. “I had to do something.” Researching her options online, Amy found that South African police were asking for small gifts that might bring a tiny moment of comfort to the children touched by sexual violence. The image of her own kids cuddling the small, stuffed bears her mother had knitted for them flashed into her mind. The bears had comforted her kids when they were little. Could a group of knitters make them for children in Africa? Amy spoke to her mother, Gerre Hoffman, who was on board in an instant. The two worked out four bear patterns, and gave them to anyone who could knit. Amy went to a yarn trade show to spread the word, her mother started giving knitting lessons, a newspaper did a story and, within weeks, 3,000 requests for patterns came pouring in—followed in short order by package after package of colorful hand-knit bears, each with personal touches added by its knitter. Amy chuckles. “The bears took over my house!” Friends, family and knitters flocked to help. Big red hearts were sewn onto each bear because Amy wanted kids who received the bears to feel that there was someone, somewhere, who loved them. Knitters also added a tag hand-signed by the “mother bear” who made the bear. Amy made contacts in Africa, set up a distribution network, rented some storage space, and—borrowing the “mother bear” nickname with which her son had tagged her when he was a toddler—she named her emerging organization the Mother Bear Project. She also expanded the project to include those who had been orphaned by AIDS. Today more than 110,000 bears made by more than a thousand knitters from all across the globe are carrying a mother bear’s love to children touched by HIV/AIDS. Ripples of love While small bears bring comfort to children in Africa, prayer shawls—made as the knitter prays for the recipient and weaves her blessings into the gift—bring comfort to adults who are hurting around the world. Few of the knitters realize that the idea to knit prayer shawls was hatched by two women who were attending Hartford Seminary in Connecticut nearly 20 years ago. Janet Severi Bristow and Victoria Cole-Galo saw the comfort a shawl touched by prayer brought to a grieving classmate whose husband had died. They launched “The Prayer Shawl Ministry” as both a spiritual practice for knitters and a source of comfort for those who received the gift of their work. Today, 3,000 prayer shawl groups around the world have made an uncountable number of shawls, and Janet and Vicky feel humbled by the work they were led to do. “It’s all been a surprise,” Janet says. “The emails, the [four] books we’ve written, the gatherings.…” She shakes her head in amazement. “It was truly out of our hands. It was nothing about us. It was what we were meant to do.” Thinking about the 200 or so knitters who gather each November at a Hartford church to celebrate their work, she adds, “It touches me deeply that the love exhibited in that [church] ripples out to the world through the work of their hands and the prayers of their hearts.” Listening to Janet, I look over at the tumble of colorful yarns tucked in a basket near my chair, and I realize that with a half-dozen balls of that yarn and a pair of bamboo needles, I can make my own ripples and give someone who is half a world away the sense of being wrapped in love. Slowly, I get up from my chair and move toward the basket—feeling my heart lift with joy. Ellen Michaud is a Live Happy editor at large based in Vermont.
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Child holding a dandelion in a field

30 Days of Giving

1. “I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.” —Maya Angelou2. Become an organ donor.3. Listen to “Kind & Generous,” by Natalie Merchant.4. ReadThe Giving Book: Open the Door to a Lifetime of Givingby Ellen Sabin.5. Watch Bill and Melinda Gates’ TED Talk: "Why giving away our wealth has been the most satisfying thing we've done.”6. “It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.”―Mother Teresa7. Give a compliment. It’s free.8. Listen to Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up.”9. Read Taylor's Gift: A Courageous Story of Giving Life and Renewing Hope, by Todd and Tara Storch.10. Read or watch Charlotte’s Web.11. “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” ―Winston Churchill12. Tell a joke: Give the gift of laughter.13. Listen to “Give to Live,” by Sammy Hagar14. Read I Like Giving: The Transforming Power of a Generous Life, by Brad Formsma.15. Give a huge hug to your dad.16. “When you're nice to people, they want to be nice back to you.” —Jack Canfield17.WatchIt Could Happen to You.18. Watch Up.19. Read Same Kind of Different As Me, by Ron Hall, Denver Moore and Lynn Vincent.20. "Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth." —Mohammed Ali21. Put an extra dollar in the tip jar.22. Listen to “The Secret of Giving,” by Reba McEntire.23. Give $20 to your favorite charity—or find a new worthy cause.24. “Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.” —Rev. Jesse Jackson25. Take food to a friend who is sick or feeling down.26. Listen to “Gift” by O.A.R.27. Call your grandma!28. Read The Giver, by Lois Lowry.29. Watch As Good as It Gets.30. Adopt a rescue dog.
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Couple hugging outside

Acts of Thanksgiving

We all seek unity, interconnectedness and happiness, but we have come to associate feelings of warmth and gratitude mainly with Thanksgiving, other holidays and major life events.As a therapist and believer in the importance of living a fulfilling and contented life, I encourage everyone I meet to start practicing active thanksgiving that goes well beyond the November holiday and religious services. This is not about feeling thankful when something great happens, but a regular part of every day—even the most challenging ones—especially unhappy days!In my work, I see many people in pain, struggling to cope daily. They may be dealing with a terminally ill parent, a child facing problems in school, an unwanted divorce or the loss of a friend or financial investments.It is difficult to introduce the benefits of thanksgiving to someone in crisis.That is why I encourage everyone to learn and use this tool immediately and often. Thanksgiving as a consistent part of your life will not only bring in more positive experiences, but it willarm you with stronger defenses for the hard times that are inevitable in life.Even when things seem to be hummingalong, it is easy to become discouraged by simply watching the news or reading something tragic. It is easy to feel overwhelmed and helpless in this hyper-connected world we all live in.Thanksgiving will help you tune out the disconcerting chatter in your head and promote a sense of calm and focus.By consciously focusing on those people who give us support and care; life circumstances that make us feel lucky and blessed; and any experiences that bring us joy and satisfaction, we are sure to find ourselves in a happier, more productive state. Once you have experienced the positive effects of thanksgiving, you can deliver what I like to call conscious acts of gratitude. Here are some of my favorites:Social media shoutouts—public thanks to a friend who helped you, a mate who made you smile, a child who has made you proud.Gushing appreciation notes—Post-its, Post-its, everywhere! Grab a stack of those little sticky notes and write terms of endearment on 10 or 20. Hide them around the house. Leave the recipient wondering, “Will this gushing of appreciation ever end?”Take it upon yourself to do someone’s mundane household chore. Do this act quickly, quietly and as an expression of gratitude–not to score points or earn some gratitude of your own, but to show that someone cares enough to take a task off their list.Do something that’s surprising or special—bring someone a book from a favorite author or a trail of rose petals leading up to their door with a sign that says“Thank You!”Thanksgiving is not necessarily directed at another person. It is a state of mind to be cultivated inside your own head.If you practice regularly thinking thankful thoughts, they will lighten your mood and likely put a smile on your face–whether anyone knows you are doing it or not. Giving thanks works as a magnet: It redirects your feelings into a positive zone.Most of us know that having a positive state of mind is good for us emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually. There are also often secondary gains as well. Your upbeat state of mind can impact how others feel about you and treat you.Last fall, I worked with a client I’ll call Karen. Karen was a 42-year-old single woman who almost always spent the holidays alone. When we met in October, Karen was depressed. Another holiday season was fast approaching, and she was certain she would be by herself. She spent her first session with me talking about her isolated and lonely life, her failed relationships, her financial struggles and her dead-end job. Apparently, Karen was thankfulfor nothing.Still, after some probing, I discovered that she had two friends whom she felt close to; she really liked her boss and she loved listening through her apartment wall to her neighbor playing the piano. I assigned Karen to practice thanksgiving daily toward one of the few precious things in her life we had discovered. She was then to perform some conscious act of gratitude. By December, each person in her life she was thankful for had invited her to an activity over the holidays, and she had even found herself a loveinterest!Welcoming thanksgiving and gratitude into your life promotes feelings of calm and warmth. Thanksgiving makes you feel more motivated, enthusiastic, driven and satisfied. It wards off the blues and negative thinking. People who have an established thanksgiving ritual enjoy more friends, less conflict at work, raise happier children and enjoy more satisfying romantic relationships.Thanksgiving requires very little time, money or skill, yet offers enormous rewards.Don’t just take my word for the magic that comes out of thanksgiving. Make a commitment that you will find a way to observe the wonderful and meaningful people and parts of your life, and give thanks every day for a week…you’ll see what happens.In case you were wondering, I personally count my blessings and give thanks every single day. And so I don’t give Turkey Day short shrift, I count everything I’m thankful for on that daytwice!Stacy Kaiser is a successful Southern California-based licensed psychotherapist, author, relationship expert and media personality. With more than 100 television appearances on major networks, including CNN, NBC, CBS and FOX, Stacy has built a reputation for bringing a unique mix of thoughtful and provocative insights to a wide range of topics. You can learn more about Stacy on her website.
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Overcoming Election Stress With Dr. Lauren Cook

Transcript – Overcoming Election Stress With Dr. Lauren Cook

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Overcoming Election Stress With Dr. Lauren Cook [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:01] SS:  Thank you for joining us for episode 483 of Live Happy Now. Election season is fully underway, and that means many of us are already feeling that little thing called election stress, but this week we're offering a way to help you through it. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and I'm joined by Dr. Lauren Cook, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of Generation Anxiety. We've partnered with Lauren to provide a free four-week email course on overcoming election stress, and she's here today to talk about some of the common causes of election stress, what we can do about it, and how this free email course can help. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [0:00:43] SS:  Lauren, welcome back to Live Happy Now. [0:00:45] LC: Always good to be with you, Paula. Thanks for having me. [0:00:49] SS:  I am so excited to talk to you. We have been talking about this for a while, and putting this together. If you know me, I love a good origin story. It's really your origin story. Tell our listeners how this whole idea of addressing election stress came about. [0:01:06] LC: Well, Paula takes one to know one. We'll just – prepared. I'm a millennial myself, and in my own lived experience, I was seeing such a surge of anxiety in my life. I was seeing it with my peers. I'm a clinical psychologist, so now I treat many millennial and Gen Z clients. I've seen so acutely, really over the last decade how much trauma there's been, just collective anxiety. You notice it starts to become almost a little bit cyclical with each election cycle. So, you know, I know you and I were talking about, as we get ready for this big election coming up, really wanting to be intentional about providing mental health support for folks, so that we can be preventative this time, because I think sometimes, we almost have that response after the fact. This time we really want to get ahead of it to make sure people feel supported. [0:01:58] SS:  Yeah. That is true. You had brought the thought to me that this was something that you were seeing in your practice, and this is really how it all began. Based on that, what are some of the things that you're seeing are the main causes of election stress? Because we have elections every four years, but it hasn't been like this, every four years forever. [0:02:20] LC: Yeah. It's true. Things are so much more heightened. I think there's a lot of key reasons why that is. I talk about this in my book Generation Anxiety of why is it that we're seeing such a surge in anxiety, both in prevalence, the amount of people who are experiencing it and severity, the intensity of those symptoms. The low hanging fruit, we've got to name this, is the social media piece. It knows, the algorithm knows how to get into our brains, how to feed us vitriolic content. We know too, and these companies know that posts get way more attraction when they use things like hate speech, and when they use things like graphic, violent images. It just gets more eyeballs on it. We have to first acknowledge we're getting inundated with content. We're being fed very different content too, based on how we interact with it. So, what one person may be taking in is entirely different than what another person is taking in. We also have to consider too, and this is I think sometimes generationally where people can experience it differently, anybody can create content. Anybody, like anything. It's not like 50 years ago, right, where you have the main network news channels and these different newspapers, and that was the mainstay of where people got their content. Now, your neighbor, your mom, your nephew, they can all post videos, right? Not always really have that content back checked, but a lot of people can take any kind of information that they see online as truth. I think that's where things have gotten a lot more decisive as well. [0:04:00] SS:  Yeah. With the rise of fake news and the application of AI, how does that stress us out? Because when we see something now, we have to go through this whole cycle of, is this real? Is it true? What's really going on here? There's a processing that we didn't used to have to go through. [0:04:18] LC: Exactly, exactly. It's a whole other level of vetting. We are essentially having to be editors to everything, whereas before, it would be someone's job at the LA Times, for example, to be the editor. Now, we are all the editors. So, that really takes a psychological toll over time. I'll also add, it has gotten so contentious where people feel like if you disagree with me, I can't have a relationship with you. It feels so threatening to me to have relationship with someone who feels differently than I. I think part of that is because the content has become so intensified. So, how do we come back to that space where we can sit around the table, have our turkey dinner together, and not throw a fork at someone. How do we get back to that space, even holding that we may very much disagree? I think that is really a collective goal that we all need to come back to. [0:05:17] SS:  I'm so glad you brought that up, because I've seen posts where people say, basically, if you can't agree with me on this, this, and this, then we can't be friends anymore. It seems like there's just these hard lines being drawn. I received a text from a person I know this morning, and it was very political and it didn't skew the way that I believe. I just wrote – text her back and I said, “Hey, let's not do the political thing this year, okay? Thanks.” She wrote back and just said, “Okay.” I think that's, like it's done. That's it. [0:05:50] LC: I love that. [0:05:51] SS:  In many cases, we feel though that we have to defend our position. How do we go through that little thing? [0:06:01] LC: Yeah. Oh, it's so tricky. This is something I have a lot of clients bring into the therapy space of how do I navigate this, right? Because I see the opposite side of it too, where people really silence themselves with how they feel about things, because they're so afraid if I post about how I feel about this, all these people are not going to talk to me anymore. Then we're really missing an opportunity where we could learn from each other and have respectful discourse and dialogue. It really comes back to what we call the dialectic to both end holding the possibility that we can completely disagree and we can still be respectful towards each other. Does it mean we're going to be besties? Maybe not. But I can still hold respect for your humanity, your lived emotional experience. We've got to come back to empathy with that, right? There's this amazing quote that if you really got to know every single person on this planet, you would find something to love about them. That is true even with people who we completely disagree with politically, right? There can still be, for most people, something that we can still connect to in our shared humanity. [0:07:14] SS:  Yeah. That's something I really try to look for, where it might be someone who thinks very differently than I do. I'm like, “Yeah, but they rescue animals.” It's – [0:07:25] LC: Yeah. [0:07:26] SS:  They do that. How bad can they be? [0:07:29] LC: It's hard, right? We get into all or nothing thinking a lot. [0:07:33] SS:  Right. [0:07:33] LC: This is actually what gives people a lot of anxiety, because when we label people as all good or all bad, then we have to turn the mirror on ourselves and say, “Well, am I an all-good person?” [0:07:45] SS:  No – [0:07:47] LC: Show me an all-good person. It's an impossible amount of pressure. We have to then start looking at the fact of like, oh, I have messy broken parts in myself too, just as I'm looking at other people and seeing their messy broken parts and really checking ourselves on that front of like, I'm no better than someone else, like we're all just in the mess trying to figure it out, right? But I think we have to check ourselves when we get into that, this person's good or bad or this person's right or wrong kind of thing. [0:08:16] SS:  Absolutely. Something that you've created for us and I am so excited to finally unveil is our four-part email series on election stress. Can you just walk us through what the four steps or weeks that you have and what people can expect when they sign up for this? [0:08:33] LC: Yes. Let me just say, Paula, like thank you so much for advocating for this content, because talk about something that's impacting our experience of happiness. This election gets in the way of that certainly. I love you making space for this. The first piece is identifying what the heck is election anxiety? What is this stress? What are the signs of it? How can I notice if I myself or my loved ones are struggling with it? What do we do about it? How do we work through it, right? I never want folks to feel like they have to just sit in this and not do anything about it. That's why I write so much about what I call empowered acceptance. We'll just tease it at that, so that people want to find out more. Then we also talk about how do you actually have relationships with people when you do disagree, especially as we get into the holiday season coming up, there's just statistically no way, probably that everyone in your family feels the exact same way you do. So, how do we have respectful discourse in our workplace, in our homes, all these different spaces, including online? Then the last piece is processing the aftermath. You and I are talking about this before the election has happened. We don't know what's going to take place in a few months, but we really want to provide people support whether their party wins, whether their party loses. We don't know, but all the same how to handle victory, how to handle loss with grace no matter what and really have compassion for other people's experiences of it too. That's a bit of a teaser of what's ahead. [0:10:01] SS:  Yeah. I'll just say for our listeners that this is exceptionally well written and presented and it is such valuable information and it's a free email course that we're going to offer. I'm really excited to be doing that. As we're talking about that first issue that comes out, the signs of election stress, what are just a couple of the symptoms that you're experiencing election stress? [0:10:27] LC: I'll give folks three things to pay attention to. One, the physicality of it. Anxiety is such a physical experience and we often forget that. If you notice you're having sleep problems, stomach problems, stomach problems and anxiety are best friends, unfortunately. Pay attention to any physical cues that you notice. Then people tend to go one of two ways with election anxiety. They either get obsessive about it. If you notice you're having the news cycle on constantly, you're taking in the same content over and over again, but you just can't walk away. It's become addicting for you or oppositely you're having an avoidant response. You don't know anything of what's going on politically, because it's too overwhelming for you or it's too activating. Either of those signs or cues that election anxiety may be at your back door. [0:11:19] SS:  That's really good. Now your work, as you've said, it's primarily with Gen Z and millennials, so you see how it's affecting them, but this election stress takes down every generation. Does Gen X and baby boomers respond to it differently than you see with Gen Z and millennials? [0:11:37] LC: Well, I think we all have some collective trauma in a way around past election cycles and how divided it led to in our families. We talked about this in the newsletter that one in five report that they have family relationship struggles, because of things that have happened with the election. So, when you take that all to heart and you think about the amount of estrangement that occurs in this country, I just did a really interesting post about the amount of families that go through estrangement. It's about 25%. [0:12:08] SS:  Oh, really? [0:12:09] LC: Gen X, the silent generation, all these different generations. They too are just as concerned about their millennial, their Gen Z kiddos, family members cutting them off. They really want to have close relationships with their loved ones. They also feel passionate about their viewpoints too. So, that could be a particular source of stress of what if my kid decides to cut me out and then I don't know how to navigate that again. I'd say that's really the biggest stressor. I'm seeing that a lot of families are a little bit more avoidant, honestly, of having conversations around at this time, because it's like, we've been here before, we've seen how this goes. You know what, that may be a little bit of a safer approach preserving that family unit versus nailing a point down to make a point, but then not having a relationship with your kid in the aftermath of that. [MESSAGE] [0:13:01] SS:  This episode of Live Happy Now is brought to you by BetterHelp. As our kids head back to school, it's a great time to give ourselves the opportunity to also learn something new. We can get so focused on meeting the needs of our families that we forget about what lights us up, but when we connect with our sense of wonder and curiosity, it adds more joy and meaning to our lives. One way to rediscover that curiosity is through therapy. With the help of a therapist, you can reconnect with your sense of wonder and explore what you're interested in and where you'd like to grow and that's where BetterHelp comes in. Because it's completely online, BetterHelp works with your schedule. Just fill out a brief form to be matched with a licensed therapist. So, launch your own back to school journey and rediscover what you're curious about with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com/live happy to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp H-E-L-P.com/live happy. Now, let's get back to our show. [INTERVIEW CONTINUED] [0:14:05] SS:  How do you prepare for these inevitable conversations or prepare yourself for the things that pop up, like somebody texting me something that I didn't need to see? How do you go into this season prepared? [0:14:20] LC: I think you handled that so beautifully by the way – like that is goals right there. One, I think we need to go into these conversations like having sets and rules for ourselves of we're not going to get into politics tonight and really naming that with family as well. Before things really get heated saying, “Hey, let's not go here tonight. Let's have a good time together.” Knowing you can always redirect to if it is feeling too intense and too fraught. I will also say being mindful of our alcohol and substance use, it's an important point to make, because once people start to have different substances, we're not using our cognitive functioning to the same degree. That can lead people to get pretty unfiltered at times. Then also, really coming back to compassion and kindness with each other. If we do say something hurtful, owning that and saying like, “Hey, I'm really sorry that I hurt you in that. I hope at the end of the day, I respect you and I want to have a good relationship with you, even if we disagree.” That can be such a joining comment when people may feel hurt by some of the things that we've said. [0:15:31] SS:  Right now, we're talking like how do I keep myself from being that person? What about those situations where it's another person who feels very determined to share their thoughts and their beliefs with us? How do we alleviate some of that? As you said, you have clients who just shut down and internalize things. What's the best way to handle that? Then deal with the stress that comes in the aftermath of that experience? [0:16:00] LC: I think you have to ask yourself first going in, how curious am I to better understand this? Because sometimes we genuinely are curious. I want to know like how did you come to this belief pattern, right? If you can comment something from a place of curiosity, you're going to be able to withstand that conversation a lot better, but if you're noticing even that physical reaction of like, “Oh, I'm feeling a little hot, like my heart's racing.” Then that's a sign of like, okay, maybe we go the route of taking in, listening, but not like jumping in with our argument or we set a very clear boundary of like, “Hey, I can tell you've thought a lot about this. I'm not sure we're going to be able to get on the same page with this, so let's shift gears.” You can even almost incorporate like a little humor and playfulness, some lightness in it, because these conversations get heavy real quick, right? Also, worst case scenario, because a lot of us struggle with people pleasing and we start to get pulled into these conversations, set the boundary physically, remove yourself, right? “Oh, you know what? I'm so parched. I got to get a drink in the kitchen. I'm going to get a glass of water.” Right? It doesn't have to be this big aggressive moment, but you're shifting the energy, you're extricating yourself from the situation. It's always fine to do that. [0:17:18] SS:  Is there any practice you have that you can use daily to set your intention and set your day to say, “Okay, this is how we're going to play it.” Because it really is a day-to-day thing. We are, as you have pointed out, we are getting bombarded with information, opinions, fake news, and it's a lot. It's almost like you get out of bed and you need to put on your helmet. [0:17:40] LC: I know. It is. It is. [0:17:42] SS:  Get in there. What is the psychological helmet that we can put on? [0:17:46] LC: That's a good way to put it. My recommendation is find some way to take in some content, either the start of your day or mid-morning, like understand the lay of the land of what's happening in our country. I do think it's important to be informed about these issues. Then 15 minutes, once you have a general sense of like, “Okay, here's what's going on in the world today.” You've checked that box. You don't need to keep playing the tape over and over again. I really do think the news cycle and Liz Moody talks about this on her podcast. It's addictive for people. It's a stimulant and people can get very sucked into what's going to happen next, right? Get your entertainment elsewhere if it's not benefiting your mental health. Give yourself that permission of finding your outlet in other ways. If you're getting repeat information, it's time to change the channel. [0:18:41] SS:  Yeah. One thing I did, and this started in 2020, I stopped watching news on television, because it was just – I can't control what's coming at me. I started then consuming my news through websites, through news that way, newspaper, online. Then what I started doing was shutting off notifications. [0:19:05] LC: Yeah. [0:19:06] SS:  Because breaking news, it's like getting these little grenades thrown at you like every couple of hours. So, to cut off those notifications was really big. It makes you feel or makes me feel more calm. It's less intrusive. It feels also like I'm in control of what I consume instead of having it's not – I saw this great meme that said, “Life doesn't hand me lemons. It lobs them at me through a lemon cannon.” I was like, the like the news is, you know? [0:19:35] LC: That's amazing. Yeah. I mean, not amazing that that's how it feels, but that's a great metaphor for it. Yeah. It is like that. I saw that even with the Olympics where they would send me the spoiler that would be like, “No.” [0:19:49] SS:  I was going to watch that. [0:19:50] LC: Exactly, exactly. Yeah, go with the pace that works for you, right? I also will say though, when we do self-select our own content, it can start to get very filtered from like one lens. [0:20:04] SS:  Right. [0:20:05] LC: I am a writer die today show girl. That's where my dreams, like Beyond Today show, I love that show so much. I like that it's something that they are trying one hopes to market to every person in this country. [0:20:20] SS:  Right. [0:20:20] LC: That being said, and millennials in Gen Z are really pushing this that mainstream news is not sharing the nitty-gritty, the full details of what's going on. So, keeping that in mind that our news sources may be not doing the deep dives that they should. So, that's where I do think we need a nuanced approach of, okay, what is content that's meant to be accessed by everybody? Then looking at what are the deeper dives to. [0:20:51] SS:  Sometimes what I'll do is when there's particularly exciting headline, and I see you on one form of media, I'll go and look at what the exact opposite thinking media says about it. Because I'm like, “I just want to see what they say.” It's one, it's very interesting because it gives a lot of insight into why some people might think the way that they do and on either side of it. It is very interesting to get a look at it through two very different lenses. [0:21:22] LC: It is. When you look at it that way, I think it really becomes so clear, like we take in the narratives that we are fed, right? If you keep taking in only one path of a narrative, that's going to become like an entrenched hike that you just go up over and over again versus this other hike, which has its own path, right? But if you never walk up it, it's going to feel totally foreign and unknown to you. I think that's a real humbling thing that most of us don't want to admit. That we are a product of our environment, our families where we're raised, like you put the same person in different environments. They often will adapt to the ideologies of the environment that they're in. So, we really have to, I think, humble ourselves to know like, okay, I've got to check myself in terms of like what content I'm taking in. [0:22:14] SS:  That's a great tip. As we go through the season, as we have this anxiety that bubbles up, when does someone know that the amount of stress they're feeling over the election is normal or if they need to get some help for it? [0:22:29] LC: Yeah. Here's some hallmark signs. If it's really impacting your sleep cycle deeply, like you are losing sleep at night over this, having ruminating thoughts, can't fall asleep, pay attention to that. If you are getting obsessive about it, where it's all you can talk about, think about. People in your life are giving you feedback of like time out, like can we talk about something other than politics, or if you are having panic attacks that you're noticing, or you're having such avoidant behaviors where you're not wanting to vote, because it feels like, “Well, what's the point?” Like you're so disengaged that you are making your life smaller and smaller. Lean into that process, like how can we expand that for you, because the goal is to be an active participating citizen that can handle the discomfort of things not always working out how we want, but still keeping the hope alive that it's worth it for us to show up politically. [0:23:26] SS:  Yeah. Someone might be hesitant to say, well, I need to see someone about election anxiety, but – there's no shame in that. I mean, that's a real deal that's going on. [0:23:38] LC: I'm so glad that you bring that up, Paula. I wish people could hear the amount of clients that talk about the election in my therapy office with me, but it's a real thing that gives people anxiety. So, validating it for yourself, not shaming yourself or saying, “Well, other people have it so much worse than me.” These are real fears, real concerns you deserve to give yourself the space to process those things. [0:24:04] SS:  I love it. Lauren, as always, you give us fantastic insights. We're going to tell everyone how they can sign up for your election stress email course and share it with their friends. We'll come back when all of this is done and talk about it again. Until then, just thank you so much for what you're doing and for coming and talking to me today. [0:24:25] LC: Always a pleasure, Paula. [OUTRO] [0:24:31] SS:  That was Dr. Lauren Cook talking about election stress. If you'd like to sign up for our free email course on overcoming election stress or learn more about Lauren, just visit us at livehappy.com and click on this podcast episode or click on the Discover tab at the top of our site and choose newsletter. We hope you've enjoyed this episode of Live Happy Now. If you are already receiving us every week, we invite you to subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, while you're there, feel free to drop us a review and let us know what you think. That's all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
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Two people hugging and showing love to a cow.

Transcript – The Healing Power of Hugging Cows With Ellie Laks

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: The Healing Power of Hugging Cows With Ellie Laks [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:08.6] PF: Welcome to Happiness Unleashed, with your host, Brittany Darrenbacher, presented by Live Happy. If you’ve never thought of cows as intuitive healers, this episode just might change your mind. Ellie Laks is the founder of The Gentle Barn Foundation, a national organization that rescues and rehabilitates abused and discarded farm animals. She is the creator of Cow Hug Therapy and as she explains in her book by the same name, she has learned amazing lessons from these animals about life, death, and everything in between. She’s here today to share some of those lessons with us. So, let’s have a listen. [INTERVIEW]   [0:00:47.3] BD: Ellie, welcome to the show, I’m so excited you’re here. [0:00:50.9] EL: I’m so excited to be here. This is going to be the best conversation ever. [0:00:54.6] BD: I met Ellie recently. I went out to The Gentle Bar, my husband and I took a road trip to Nashville and we got to check this space out. This is a big question, like right out of the gate. [0:01:06.7] EL: I’m ready. [0:01:07.5] BD: You talk a lot about how growing up, you did not feel connected to other humans in the way that you did with nature and animals, and I just resonate with that so deeply and I know that our listeners feel the same way. Why do you think that is, that animals and nature just so innately feel like home and like safety to people like us? [0:01:31.1] EL: I love that question and I have spent a lifetime trying to figure that out because I had very loving parents. They took really good care of us and they loved us and so, you know, I’m not sitting here thinking, it’s anyone’s, you know, main fault. I just – when I look back in my childhood, I felt completely at home in the woods and lakes by my houses. I felt completely at home with my dog and my bird and the animals that shared our home that I brought home. I just felt like they saw me, they understood me and they accepted me as I am. I didn’t feel like I had to be someone else, I didn’t have to edit my speech, I didn’t have to modify my actions. I could just simply be me and I was a hundred percent accepted and somewhere along the line, I didn’t feel that way about people, and I don't know if it was the kids at school. I just saw so much bullying and so much judgment and criticism and so much cruelty that maybe that made me feel unsafe. But somewhere along the line, I felt like I had to always be an edited version of myself around people but a completely free and pure version of myself around animals, and I have a beautiful family, a husband, I have kids, and grandkids, I have beautiful, wonderful friends and coworkers that I love dearly, but they’re just something very special still, being beside an animal that I feel like the best version of myself, and I just feel home. [0:03:03.8] BD: I wanted to ask this question first because I think this really informs the conversation that we’re about to have, and it clearly informed your life’s work. Tell the listeners about The Gentle Barn, how this began, where they can find it. [0:03:18.1] EL: So, The Gentle Barn is a 25-year-old national organization located in Los Angeles California, Nashville Tennessee in Saint Louis Missouri. We very specifically taken animals that have nowhere else to go, because they’re too old, too sick, too injured, or too scared to be adoptable. We bring them in and put them through a very extensive rehabilitation program, and once they’re healed, we partner with them to heal people with the same stories of trauma. So, eventually, if the animal chooses to, they can partner with us to really hearts and change minds to who these animals are and to really do incredible work with people that are suffering from depression, anxiety, grief, trauma. People that are really suffering and words and talk therapy is just not cutting it, they can come and then they embrace of our beautiful animals, they can really find themselves. [0:04:08.2] BD: Yeah, and these are farm animals, and so for many people, and you know, I live in Kentucky and I was raised on farms where these animals were not considered sentient beings, were not considered equals, were not even looked at in the way that our dogs or our cats were, and so I just wonder what wisdom and insight you might be able to offer to our listeners that maybe grew up in like, similar scenarios that are really interested in being around animals and learning more about what farm animals have to offer and that it’s not a hierarchy, right? It’s – animals are not in hierarchy and we shouldn’t be them as such. [0:04:52.9] EL: Yeah. If anything, I think that animals are far superior to us. Far superior, and they have so much to teach us and so many ways to heal us, and if we could just stop doing what we’re doing to them and pay attention and listen, they would change us all, and at The Gentle Barn, they are changing humans every single day. It’s hard to connect with animals that are in survival mode, right? Like on animal agriculture, like on working farms, those animals know what’s going to befall them, they know that their babies are being taken away, they’re in survival mode every single day. So, it’s harder to connect with animals like that because they don’t know who to trust or how to trust but I mean, I would say, oh my God, find a sanctuary near you because there are so many sanctuaries popping up all over the country, or plan a trip to The Gentle Barn and come see who these animals really truly are. The way they celebrate birth, the way they grieve death, the way they get married and fall in love and break up and have fights and have drama and just like we do, who they really are when there is no trauma, when there is no fear when they’re safe and loved and respected to see who they are with each other and see who they are with us, oh my God. I mean, I filled a book with it, right? [0:06:06.8] BD: My husband and I, we came out to The Gentle Barn in Nashville and we’re animal lovers. We’ve experienced a lot of healing atmospheres with animals but that trip out there was incredible and to be able to experience Cow Hug Therapy, which we’re going to get into in a minute was next level but the animal that stands out to me the most, and you’ll have to remind me what this turkey’s name is, it’s mostly like a white, a beautiful white color. And I would just put my hands out and the turkey would walk up and just push its like chest, like its breast like, into my hand, and just stare at me, and it was a really profound moment of connection with this turkey that I’ve never had in my life. [0:06:51.5] EL: Was her name Spirit? [0:06:53.0] BD: Yes, yes. Spirit. [0:06:55.0] EL: Spirit’s very special, very-very-very special, and she takes people by surprise because people don’t think of turkeys a cuddly but in all three states, we have these remarkable cuddle turkeys who are all female and they will literally, just like you said, they will look in your eyes, they will just stand in such a humble, sweet way in front of you, they’ll put their wings out, and they will welcome you to cuddle them. And if you feel comfortably, you can sit on the ground in front of them, put one leg on either side of them, scooch up real close to their right here, kiss their little fuzzy pink heads, slide your hands under their wings, and stroke them and I’m sure she fell asleep in your lap, right? [0:07:34.6] BD: Yeah, it was pretty wonderful. [0:07:36.0] EL: Yeah, turkeys are remarkable. Male turkeys like to show off and be called handsome but female turkeys, once they feel safe, oh my God, they are such wonderful cuddlers, and I like to say that we have not lived life ‘till we’ve hugged cows or cuddled turkeys. [0:07:51.6] BD: Yes, cow hugs. Let’s talk about hugging cows. Wow, what is Cow Hug Therapy? [0:07:58.8] EL: So, Cow Hug Therapy is when hurting humans, no matter what they’re going through or what they’re feeling or what they’re struggling with, they can come to the gentle barn and book an hour-long Cow Hug Therapy session, where they get the cows to themselves for an entire hour, and they can either be gravitated to one particular cow and rest in their embrace or cry in their embrace for an entire hour. They can hug them all, they can ask us questions or they can just sit in the stillness and the quiet beside these gentle giants and find themselves. Cows, I think, all animals have so much for us but cows are very, very special in that they weigh 3,000 pounds. So, you don’t really ask them or train them, or teach them to do anything. It’s who they are organically. From the time that they have forgiven and let their past go and decided to trust humans, they incorporate us in their family. And they are so nurturing and gentle and kind to each other that when they incorporate us, they just extol the same beautiful energy, the beautiful healing, the embraces that they do for each other to us, and so when we’re infants, we can rest against our caregiver’s chest and hear their heartbeat, which slows down our own, rise and fall with their breathing, and eventually, our breathing can match theirs, and we feel tiny, small and vulnerable in a huge protective embrace. When we grow up, there’s really nothing that models that, except for Cow Hug Therapy. We are full-fledged adults, but we can go and we can feel like infants against these cows and hear their heartbeat and rise and fall with their breathing, and they wrap their necks around us and hold us. We can feel the energy of their love and their nurturing, without uttering one single word, closing down our left brain and opening our right brain. It’s a connection, it’s an energy and it’s a nurturing, that feels like we’re safe, that we’re whole, that we’re loved, that we’re not alone and we leave those embraces feeling healed and hopeful, in a way that I really can’t articulate with enough words. I just – people have to try it. When you come and you embrace these beautiful cows, and they rather embrace you, it’s a special brand of healing that’s unlike any other and you leave changed, and when I’m having a bad day, I’m really lucky to live at The Gentle Barn California location. [0:10:26.2] BD: Yeah. [0:10:26.9] EL: When I’m having a bad day, I go straight to the cows and they make everything better. They clear our minds of thought, they immerse us in present time, we feel grounded and centered and loved, and it’s just remarkable. [0:10:40.3] BD: How did you begin doing Cow Hug Therapy? Like, how did you coin the term and how did you get into this practice and like, writing this book, you know, bringing this to a broader audience? What’s the story behind that? [0:10:56.0] EL: Well, I was the very first recipient of Cow Hug Therapy. Back in 1999, we got our first cow, Buddha, and she was adorable and she was a fuzzy, red, and white cow and long white eyelashes and she was absolutely adorable, and we all fell instantly in love with her but very early on, I was doing my bedtime checks, just making sure that everybody was okay before I went to bed, and I pass by Buddha and kind of looked, kiss at her. You know, pat her on the head to say goodnight, and there was something about the way that she looked at me and she was like, “No-no-no, you need to stay a while.” So, I said, “Oh, okay.” So, I sat down beside her and I leaned against her just to kind of – for that camaraderie, and she wrapped her neck around me and held me, and I burst into tears because I didn’t realize how stoic I had been that day, and how much stress I was carrying on my shoulders. But I was also so incredibly touched by that unexpected show of affection. Animals have loved me my entire lives, they’ve saved my life when I was seven. I mean, I can’t say enough good things about animals, but I’ve never had an animal reach out and hug me for me. Like, she saw how much stress I was carrying, she saw how much I had done that day, and she was literally giving me a mom hug, and it changed my life. And I came to need those hugs every single solitary day and it wasn’t long before I realized there were other people in the world that needed those hugs too, and so I opened the phone book and I started calling around to drug and alcohol rehab centers, domestic violence shelters, war veteran centers, homeless shelters, really any agency that catered to hurting humans, and said, “You’ve got to bring your residents, you’ve got to bring your clients.” And they did. And we always started off by bringing the group to Buddha and everyone hugged Buddha, and she did the same thing. She either held still to kind of invite them to ground and center or she wrapped her neck around them and held them and she brought people to tears. She cracked the most offensive, the most cold, the most hardened people because of their stories and their life experiences. When they came in tough as nails, hardened, and cold and tough, she would crack them wide open and just expose them into vulnerable humble people. She changed so many lives and in her lifetime, she gave out 300,000 hugs. So, we’ve been doing Cow Hug Therapy for hurting humans since the day she hugged me 25 years ago but when we reopened after the pandemic, we realized that it wasn’t just hurting humans at facilities that needed this healing. It was all of us individuals, we were all affected, we are all impacted, we are all lonely or scared or stressed, or whatever we were doing and so, when we reopened from the pandemic instead of just working, I mean, everyone that came to The Gentle Barn, whether it be a private tour, field trip, or open to the public Sunday, obviously hugged Buddha, and all our subsequent cows but after the pandemic with the entire world hurting as individuals, we allowed anyone on their own by themselves to come out and experience Cow Hug Therapy. [0:13:57.9] BD: What can cows uniquely teach us? [0:14:00.7] EL: So, like I said, all animals are wonderful, all animals have something to teach us, and ways to heal us but there is something very unique about cows and I happen to believe that cows are literally who we should be when we awaken to love as a nation, as a people, there’s a lot of different animals and they’re all amazing, but I wouldn’t say, “Oh, people should be more like dogs” or “People should be more like horses.” But I am going to say us, as human beings, we need to be like cows. They are matriarchal led by the oldest and wisest female who uses her intuition, her sense of collaboration, and communication to really connect with her family and lead them to safety and care for them. They are vegan, so they harm no one. They are environmentally friendly, leaving a pasture better off when they leave than when they found it. They face their challenges head-on, they don’t run, they don’t fight, they just very peacefully lower their heads, look their challenge in the eye, and try to figure out how to work their way around it. Family is their most treasured and valued ethic. They would do anything for each other, they come together as a circle when someone gives birth. They come together in a circle when someone is passing away to pay their respects. They come together in a circle when someone is grieving. That community, that circle, the way they support one another is unlike any other species that I know, and they are a hundred percent inclusive. All the other animal species, their instinct when a newcomer comes in is to reject that newcomer and even drive them off violently. Cows are the only species that we have at The Gentle Barn that I can take a new cow anywhere any day, put them in the middle of the pasture, and the cows will say, “Oh, hello.” And the matriarch will say, “I’m the boss.” And then the newcomer will say, “Okay.” And then the youngsters will come and say, “Hey, you want to play?” And the newcomer will say, “Okay.” It is a totally peaceful transition with no introduction necessary. They are a hundred percent inclusive. They’ll avail of themselves to each other, they are there for each other, they are wise, they are intuitive, they trust their instincts, they practice self-care. They meditate every single day and they connect with one another every single morning after breakfast. It’s who we’re supposed to be and if you look back hundreds of years ago, we were more like that. We were matriarchal with the shaman and the medicine women leading tribes. We lived off of plant medicine and of the earth. We supported each other, we came together as community, we had ritual for birth and death. We were much more like cows then and we need to return to that now. [0:16:38.7] BD: I’d be curious what you would suggest to someone that maybe isn’t close to a Gentle Barn location but wants to learn more, wants to get involved, wants to be a better human, and learn more about animals in general, like what would you suggest their first steps be? [0:16:54.2] EL: Oh, I have so much to say about that. I mean, first of all, find a sanctuary near you and try to find a way to connect these majestic miraculous animals who have so much to teach us. Follow The Gentle Barn on all social media platforms, including YouTube, we have videos on YouTube of certain rescues and certain rehabilitations that will change your life just by watching them. And I would recommend that we all kind of try on or consider the idea that even though our Western society has put animals into certain boxes, here’s a box of animals we love, and here’s a box of animals that we eat, and here’s a box of animals that we wear, and here’s a box of animals that it’s totally okay to kill them. We’ve got all boxes and things for but the truth is that we’re all the same, though we come in different forms. And we all are the same and there is a way to connect, where we can really see the gifts, the talents, and the blessings that each of us are without seeing the separation, and when we look through that lens of love, oh my God, we grow, we evolve, we fall in love, we learn, and we become better for it. [0:18:06.5] BD: And I love the way in the book you describe the work that the cows are doing as really paying it forward when humans come in to see them, like alchemizing their pain into being of service to tend to humans and their pain. How can we as humans be of service to animals and pay it forward to them? [0:18:25.2] EL: I love that question. I think that the biggest most impactful, most powerful way that we can be of service to them and pay it forward to them is to go vegan. When we go vegan, we save 200 animals every single year, we save 1,100 gallons of water a day, which will end the drought. We save an acre of trees every year, which will combat deforestation, and we reduce our own risk of every western disease by 90%. So, I mean, it’s so impactful and powerful when someone makes that step. That’s the biggest way we can honor every living being on this planet and the planet itself, not to mention our own bodies. Volunteering at a sanctuary to help out is always a great idea, or to shelter, and if you can’t volunteer, then donate to a place like The Gentle Barn, where you're sponsoring an animal or enabling The Gentle Barn to save more animals, that literally are out there begging for help and having nowhere else to go. I think those are the top three, just doing those top three things. You know, a lot of people come to me and say, “Oh my God, it’s so amazing what you’re doing, I wish I could have my farm animal sanctuary, I wish I could start a sanctuary.” But you know, I live in an apartment and I have kids or I work and you know, it’s not possible, and I say to them, “Look, the people that actually do have the space, the time, and the wherewithal to start a sanctuary, great.” I mean, it’s great that I do this. I’m grateful every single day but if every one of us started a sanctuary, we’d all go under. It takes the people that are rolling up their sleeves in the trenches and then it takes the people that support them, it takes the people that volunteer with them. It takes the people that fund them, it takes the people that follow them. So, we would be nothing without the people around us that donate or volunteer or work here and lift us up that way. [0:20:08.5] BD: What do you hope that your life’s work with animals can teach those in future generations to come? Like, what impact imprint do you hope that The Gentle Barn and your life’s work will have on the future? [0:20:21.0] EL: The truth is that we are covering the earth up in cement. We are building buildings and cutting down trees and we’re removing animals from our neighborhoods, and so whereas hundreds of years ago, everyone pretty much lived on a farm or in nature. Most of us now don’t. We live in cities and we are estranged from animals and from nature, and future generations that don’t have that connection to nature and animals they’re going to continue destroying it, and we’re going to end up in real trouble. We have to maintain those connections, we have to create future generations that love animals, and that want to protect nature. We’re not going to have a planet if we continue destroying it. We will only have this home to live in if we continue protecting it and we can only protect her in future generations if those future generations are connected to animals and so, that’s why I started The Gentle Barn and why we keep going because it offers a space where the biggest city person can come and can be reminded who these animals are. Can find a connection with these animals and common language, and bring back to the city, the love and reverence for animals in nature and we need future generations to be able to advocate for this planet and for all her creatures, and we’re only going to do that if these future generations have a connection to these animals, and I’m really hoping that by visiting The Gentle Barn, hugging cows, cuddling turkeys, holding chickens, giving pigs tummy rubs, patting goats and sheep. Hearing these remarkable stories of resilience and creating those connections will once and for all, allow us as humanity to realize that we really are truly all the same and so, stop being so divisive, stop being so ostracizing, and start being more inclusive, more loving, more supportive, more collaborative. Let’s protect one another, let’s defend one another, let’s be each other’s voice, and let’s lift each other up so we can all thrive and we can all live, and we can all have that sense of well-being that we all deserve. [0:22:27.3] BD: Ellie, thank you so much for coming on the show. This conversation means so much to me and I love every ounce of knowledge that you have to share. [0:22:36.3] EL: Well, thank you so much for having me, I already feel so sad that our conversation has come to an end and I hope you all have me back sometime soon so we can connect again. [0:22:45.1] BD: Please, please. [END OF INTERVIEW]   [0:22:47.7] PF: That was Brittany Darrenbacher, talking with Ellie Laks, about Cow Hug Therapy. If you’d like to learn more about The Gentle Barn, check out Ellie’s book, Cow Hug Therapy, or follow her on social media, just visit our website at LiveHappy.com and click on this podcast tab, and of course, Brittany will be back here next month to talk more about how animals bring us joy, help us heal, and can be some of our best teachers. So, until then, for everyone at Live Happy, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one.   [END]
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Transcript – Recognizing Our Invisible Work With Janelle Wells, PhD and Doreen MacAulay, PhD

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Recognizing Our Invisible Work With Janelle Wells, PhD and Doreen MacAulay, PhD [EPISODE] [0:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 482 of Live Happy Now. If you feel like your work day never ends, you are not alone. This week's guests are here to tell us what we can do about it. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and today, I'm sitting down with doctors, Janelle Wells and Doreen MacAulay, authors of Our (In)visible Work, which looks at the effect of the unpaid work we do, both on the job and at home. These essential tasks can tax our time and lead to burnout, anxiety, and exhaustion, yet they remain something that largely goes unacknowledged. Janelle and Doreen, partners in the leadership development consultancy, WellsQuest are here to talk about what their research has uncovered about the effects of invisible work and offer tips for learning to manage it better. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW]   [0:00:52] PF: Janelle and Doreen, welcome to Live Happy Now. [0:00:55] DM: Thank you for having us. [0:00:57] PF: This is one of the best conversations we could possibly have for our audience, and it's about invisible work. So, before we even get into this conversation, which I know is going to be really meaty, let's talk first, define what is invisible work, and maybe give me a couple of examples. [0:01:14] JW: When we talk about invisible work, it is work, physical, or mental, that is done for someone else, without the acknowledgement of the time, effort, or contribution. I'll take an example right now. I mean, Doreen, please add to this. Because we're in school mode, right? I have three children going back to school. Well, guess what? Who's filling out in our family, who's filling out all the forms, doing all the paperwork that has to go online, that the teacher sends in, organizing the calendars, whether that's the school calendars, or the physical activities, all the youth sports calendars. All those things I am doing, and I say it's for someone else, right? It is for my kids. It's also for my partner. So, that's an example that is very timely. As we talk about sometimes, back to school efforts. What else do you have, Doreen? [0:02:03] DM: What we're trying to do is trying to look at it from both, kind of our personal lives, because we have a lot of it in our personal lives. We also have in the workplace as well. So, understanding kind of how those places and trying to kind of shed light, if you will, in all those places where people find themselves doing work over and above. kind of maybe what everyone else is doing that really puts this pressure and puts a bit of strain on you. So, that's really what we're trying to do when we're looking at this invisible work, is saying, "Okay, what are those things that we're doing for others, that really, it's not recognized?" In some ways, not even recognized by ourselves. That's a really important place to start. We really talk about the value of emotional intelligence and having an understanding of what emotional labor that you're going through as an individual. When we see increases in things like burnout, and things that are really stressing people, or the levels of stress that people have. It's oftentimes that we don't acknowledge what we're going through ourselves. So, if we can start with everyone acknowledging, kind of, what are those things that I don't even give myself credit, that I'm doing, that take up my time, that take up my energy, so that I can be maybe even a little bit easier on myself first? So, that's something that we're looking at the definition. We really want to kind of look at it from the personal side, from the work side, but then also from the individual, and then the way that we engage with the world. [0:03:25] JW: I'll add one more from a professional perspective. Maybe you're the one that always brings the coffee. So, we’re going to say lattes today. You're always the one. You're always the one like, "Hey, it's Paula's birthday today." "Well, it's been Paula's birthday on this same day for the last 10 years that we've worked together. Did no one else write it in their calendar? How come I'm always the one getting the birthday card or gathering the birthday money to do those celebrations?" So, just those little things, but those little things are what keeps us going. We say, it keeps the lights on, keeps things coming that are so important for morale, teamwork, collaboration. But sometimes, they go often hidden. [0:04:03] PF: It was really interesting in reading your materials, and I started doing some preparation for this talk, and found out that the term invisible work has been around since the eighties. which I had never even heard it. I just know I complain sometimes, like, "I feel like I have three jobs." I didn't know there was a term. So. can you talk a little bit about how that term came about, and then why we don't hear about it more often? Because you just open up like this whole rabbit hole for me with your materials. [0:04:31] DM: absolutely. So, yes. It is one of those things that when we're talking about this topic, it's not new. But the thing is, is that we often find that things will get researched and things will be developed kind of in a – someone's been inquisitive about an idea and a concept. Because if you look at, and especially, in the gender research, is where a lot of it originated from, is really understanding kind of all of these things that don't get paid for. But what happens is this, oftentimes, things will get researched, maybe get a little bit of attention, but then it's on to the next research paper, or it's on to the next really important topic, and then we forget about it, then we forget about the importance. What we're trying to do is to bring life back to something that has been researched, that we know is a real kind of concept. But how is it applicable now in our day and age? So, what's different between now and the eighties around what the workplace looked like, what the home life looks like? All of these things are changing. What we wanted to do is not to come up with a brand-new phrase, so that it will just be something catchy and trendy that kind of goes away. But to really look at, okay, here's something that, if we were talking about it 40 years ago, and it's still something that we truly haven't addressed. Why not? For us, what we were trying to do is, kind of bring new life into this work, to say that, "No, let's really kind of think about what are the systemic consequences of ignoring this invisible work." It's something, like I said, it has been there, but we're trying to figure out, how are we going to get this message across. We didn't want to kind of reinvent the wheel. We wanted to – because the other thing too is that, sometimes when you do that, it's one of those situations where we're not giving credit to the people who've done the work before us. So, when we try to come up with a new term or a new catch phrase, or whatever the case may be, we try to kind of almost ignore the historical, because really, 1980s were so different than now. But you know what? We can actually learn from each other, and we can see how it's changed. But let's not kind of ignore the fact that it has been an issue before. It's not just some new, trendy thing, but something that we really should give attention to. [0:06:44] PF: I'm wondering how prevalent is and how that compares to the eighties. Because, as you mentioned, our workplace is very different. The way it looks is very different. We also now have this 24/7, always on. I'm just thinking that invisible work in the eighties would have been a lot easier than – like there's just less to do, I would think, but correct me. [0:07:07] JW: Yes. Well, it's nice, and this is why, in our book, we did kind of baseline it around COVID. Because COVID was this kind of upending for everyone, across the world. That we might have seen things that we didn't see before. Whether it's like, "Oh, okay, my kids, having children, they're at home, and I've got to teach them, and I've got to work, and then feed them." All the things that we had to do that, "Oh, the teachers, when they're at school. I might not have seen everything that went into that." So, we used COVID kind of as that baseline for bringing some visibility to this. But you're absolutely right. What has changed since the eighties? We have more dual earning households today. So, what does that mean for the caretaking that happens at home? What does that mean for the life admin that's happening at home? Where if I wasn't necessarily working out in the workforce, now, I am doing those 40 plus hours, but I'm still doing everything at home. Instead of distributing that work and that life administration work. So, that has been a big thing that has changed. Just women in general, the rate that we are getting, educated, with advanced degrees in the workforce, climbing the ladder, the so-called corporate ladder, higher and higher-level jobs, and positions. So, a lot of that has changed since the eighties. What else Doreen? [0:08:19] DM: One of the things we try to do with the book as well is try to pull everyone in, because one of those things that, this is not something that can be solved by just the people who are doing the invisible work. So, I think that that's one of the other things that has changed drastically. If we look at, kind of when this came into the eighties, and then to now. It's really about, we can have these conversations and look at how can we have kind of a more equitable home life, a more equitable workplace. I think that people are really opened to these conversations. So, going back to this kind of why we – in the book, we kind of talk about COVID as the starting place. I'm going to put my own partner and I in this situation where we were going, and it would be just to even look at like, "Oh, wow. I didn't realize that you had to do all this scheduling for our daughter. I didn't realize that you had to do all this extra stuff." We had this conversation one time, my partner said, "Well, I'm doing the dishes now, and I'm doing the laundry now. What else is there?" I'm like, "Well, who puts the things away? Who makes sure that all the birthday presents are arranged for, for all her friends? Who's putting her into the events? Who's doing those applications?" So, there really was when we were kind of all put into the houses or our own environments, and maybe kind of taken in a little bit closer to the people that we work with, or that we're interacting with on a daily basis. We see, "Wow, they do a lot of stuff that when I'm not with them, that I didn't even realize that they did." Right? I think that a lot more people are now open to having these conversations, to say, "You know what? Maybe there is something that we're missing here." The other big one, and this is why, this is the organizational behavior list in me, coming out again for the workplace part of it. But I think it's really important, Paula, that we talk about this, because so many more people are in the workplace now. So, that piece of it, like you said, because we're 24/7, we really have to look at how do we integrate the two. So, we don't have work-life balance, it's work-life integration. Realistically, we have to be able to balance that. One of the main things that's also changed since, I would say, from the eighties to now, is that organizations understand the value of a really good culture. You keep your people if you have a good culture and a good working environment. But having that good culture, having those people that care, having those people that are going to mentor for you, having those people that are going to do those extra things, like the birthdays, or acknowledging that you're having maybe a rough day. They don't get put into KPIs. They don't get put into how the person is actually evaluated. So, you have, a portion of the workforce that's really, helps make this great culture, but it doesn't help them, kind of with them meeting their own goals. So, oftentimes, you see this imbalance in the workplace, where people who are really creating the environment that makes everyone so motivated, makes everyone so excited to be there. But yet, they're maybe being held back a little bit because they're not doing what they're supposed to be doing. So, we can see that as well. That's also changing in that dynamic, that I would say, would be a big difference that we would have seen from when invisible work first came out. [0:11:23] PF: One of the things in your research that you share is that invisible work is primarily a burden that falls on women and people of color. I was not surprised by this information, because I know so many women who fit this profile, especially. They'll tell you, though, that they can't not do these things. As I'm listening, like Doreen, the person who throws the birthday parties, and if you told them, "Okay, just stop doing it and you'll add more time." They're like, "No, it's so important." So, what do we do about that? We can't not care for the family. We can't not fill out the hockey forms. What is the answer there? [0:11:59] DM: The part that I'll start with is, it's communication. Because it's one of those things that – and I'll give an example at a place that I worked at. I am the person who wants to make sure everyone feels welcome, that everyone's here. So, I started what we call the Sunshine Club. So, every time that we had a meeting where everyone from the department were getting together, I would always bring in breakfast half an hour or 45 minutes beforehand, so that everyone kind of had time just to be together. Let's not talk about the agenda just yet, and let's see what's going on with people, and that type of thing. So, what ended up happening, though, ended up kind of seeing that, "Wait a second, I don't have to be the one that always does the work." So, what I ended up doing was coming up with a schedule so that the event could still happen, but that there was a group of us now, that we're actually doing it. So, I think at the heart of trying to make the invisible visible is really around the communication and understanding of what is it that we do that takes up our time. Then saying, how can we share that out. Because often times, when people are overlooking your work, it's because they don't even realize you're doing it right. Because if you were to say to someone, "You know what? I can't get to the swim forms tonight. Can you get to those for me for tomorrow?" All it takes is that ask, that little bit of communication, and to say, "Okay. Yes. Absolutely." Because if we can really evaluate, what are all these extra things that I'm doing, then kind of say, "Okay. Well, what can I share? What can someone else be doing? What can my partner be doing to help me out? What can one of my colleagues be doing to help me out?" That kind of allows for that little bit of a start, if you will, to say, "I don't have to do it all myself," but we still want it done. So, that's kind of the balance on that. [0:13:46] JW: The only thing I would even add, yes, it's communication, but also the willingness to allow others to help. Sometimes, that's on us. Like, yes. Some people might be like, "Why do I even have to ask? No one had to ask me." Sometimes it's just not in their sphere, and they don't see that. But you'd be so surprised how much – I know there's research on this. If you ask someone for a quarter, majority of people are willing to give it to you. If you ask someone for help, majority of people are willing to help you, especially because you're in a partnership with this. You're in a partnership whether you're at the workplace, you're in a partnership in your home, your partnership with your kids. But we've got to communicate and have that two way, but have the openness and the willingness to do that. [SPONSOR MESSAGE]   [0:14:26] PF: This episode of Live Happy Now is brought to you by BetterHelp. We'll be right back with the show. But right now, I'd like to take a moment to talk about self-care. Self-care is so important, especially during stressful times, but even when we know that, it's often hard to make time for it. It seems like there are so many other things that take over our calendars and we end up making time for everyone but ourselves. One way to practice self-care is through therapy, and that's where BetterHelp comes in. Therapy is a great way to discover new coping skills if you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and it can also teach you how to give yourself more of what you need to become the best version of yourself. If you're thinking about starting therapy, I encourage you to check out BetterHelp. Because it's online, it's completely flexible and works with your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief form to be matched with a licensed therapist. You never have to skip your therapy day with BetterHelp. So, visit betterhelp.com/livehappy today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com/livehappy. Now, let's get back to the show. [EPISODE CONTINUES] [0:15:40] DM: Invisible work, that's the other thing we say in the books, it's never going away. It's always going to be here. So, it's not a matter of, how do I just get rid of it? No, because you said, we do invisible work because we care, we do invisible work because we love. All of these things are so important, but we don't have to do it alone. That's kind of, really, about acknowledging what it is, and then making sure that you're not doing it all alone. [0:16:06] PF: How do you go about this? Because I'm just trying to envision sitting down and saying, like, "All right. This is all the stuff I can't get to." Can you kind of walk us through that exercise of how you do this? [0:16:17] DM: If you could see my office, the other side of my office right now, I could probably show you. But for everyone who's listening there, it literally is. I do, I am a very big list person. Actually, Paula one of the things, and this is one of the things that Janelle and I help a lot of people with, is that, we start with everyone starting and understanding their priorities. Then, you make your to-do list off your priorities. So, is it your health? Is it your family? Is it your workplace? Is it your religious organization that you belong to? What are your priorities? Then, you make your to do list, making sure that you're respecting your priorities while you have that to do list. So, that's kind of the first thing that we always do with people. Then, from there, it's about, okay. Here are all the things that have to get done for us to get to these things to have them completed, and then to be able to meet our priorities or our life goals, if you will. So, when we get to this side, it is, it's literally like, I will look down my list and I'll say, "Well, you know what? He can make that call. He can make that call." Sometimes it might be actually saying orthodontist, and here's the phone number, right? You know what I mean? So, maybe taking that extra step, because I don't know how many times I've gotten the call, "Wait a second. What is her doctor's name again?" I'm like, you've only taken her 17 times, but you don't know yet?" That can be frustrating. [0:17:31] PF: I understand. It takes a while for that to catch on. [0:17:34] DM: Exactly. It could be frustrating for anyone. But when you do that, when you see that, and again, that acknowledgement of it. Then, the other thing too, I'll say this again. If you see that to-do list, and you realize, "Oh, wait a second. I just went and worked for eight to 10 hours, and then I still got all of that done. No wonder I want to go to bed at 9:30." It's okay. I don't have to stay up and pretend that I'm not exhausted, because we don't do that for ourselves either. So, whoever the individual is, you don't realize, wow. Because if you've ever had those days, even at work, where you're like, "Well, what did I do today?" Well, maybe it was the fact that after that meeting, you had to calm yourself down, because, wow, the things that were said there that people didn't even realize that – you know what I mean? And that you're trying to digest that, or it was that you were consoling someone, then that didn't look like you were doing anything. But you know what? You made a huge difference in that individual's life, or their day, or their week. So, again, if we can acknowledge it, so that list piece. Again, Paula, having it so that you have that list. That makes a difference, so that you can ask for help, but then you can also acknowledge it yourself. [0:18:44] JW: It's important to know, today's to0do list may be different tomorrow. We have to be open to recalibrating that. Also, when – we say sometimes there's triggers or there's shocks to the system. Maybe there's a new baby in the household, maybe there's new elder here, maybe there's new – new anything. You could add it too. How do we recalibrate this list and these expectations, setting the expectations, managing them as well? But I think that's a really important topic. Is like, what, today our discussion might be, it could change, and it has to be recalibrated, especially if there's a trigger to the system. [0:19:21] PF: I love the idea of writing out your priorities and then making your list. How have you seen that change the structure of the to-do list? Because as I think about that, I just write down what has to be done, and when I look at my to-do list, I'm like, "Oh, that doesn't line up with what's important to me at all." So, how do you see that changing to someone's approach to their to-do list? [0:19:42] DM: This is something that – I worked with many people on, and I'm going to give credit, because one of the gentlemen who I worked with on this originally was a man by the name of Ron Fleischer. He did this work, and so I want to acknowledge him. Because what we do is we actually have it so that you have your to-do list and your priority. So, you have your priorities first, and then you look at your to-do list. Then, we usually will do it on some type of electronic form so we can actually keep track. The idea of it is, is that, if you go, and you have one day, and you see, "Okay. Well, I did all my to-do's, were actually to do with work today. I did nothing for my health. I did nothing for my family. I did nothing for my educational goals. I did nothing for whatever those goals or those priorities are." So, what happens is, if you kind of keep them in you, do your to do list, but you have them categorized, so you know what it is. Then, if you go two weeks, and all you've done on that to do list is work-related things, then you're like, "Wow, maybe I'm not spending as much time with my family. And if I really want to be someone who's acknowledged as a family person, I'm not on a good road to do that right now." So, what you need to do is that, when you're looking at the to-do list, what are those things and what do they actually play into for you? So, then, that can help you really get back to who is this person I want to be. [0:21:00] PF: We've talked about the importance of managing our invisible work and coming to terms with it. Can we kind of talk a little bit about the side effect of having too much invisible work, not dealing with it, and just accepting it as, "This is the way my life is. I'm going to trudge through it."? [0:21:17] JW: Yes. I know Doreen had said this earlier, like we said, burnout, frustration, resentment. These are heavy, emotional loads, which will add to our invisible work too, that can stem from it. We sometimes say, like, invisible work could be like this thread? Are you going to leave it? So, if you had a thread loose on your clothes, do you leave it there? And maybe you do, and it just is what it is. Okay. I'm going to take this extra labor for this season of life, because I know my partner has something else. So, it's just going to stay there. That's all right, on my shirt. Maybe I tug at it. I'm a little frustrated by it. Or you cut it off, and you say, "You know what? No, I'm putting up this boundary." It's important for me, whether it's to protect myself, to protect my family, to protect the workplace. So, you can do some of those things, but you have to do something in it. Because otherwise, if you sit with that frustration, and you sit with that resentment, the outcomes on your emotional, your physical wellbeing, those around you in the workplace. What you're doing to that collaborative space, it could be really detrimental. Then, what we have seen, and we've seen this since COVID, we've seen burnout. We've seen an ornaments amount of burnout that has called people to leave the workplace and to do a recalibration. Again, what are their contributions at work? What do they want them to be? So, people are recalibrating their lives and their livelihoods because of this. What else would you add? [0:22:40] DM: The only thing I would say too, is that, the other kind of side effects sometimes of this is, maybe not having that same career path that you want to have, and that you see some of your other colleagues having. Because if you're the one who's going to take the extra six hours a week to make sure those things get done, that's six hours that you're not working on something that is going to get recognized in your annual review. So, if you're doing these things that are really making the workplace a better place, you're doing things that are really are important to you, but important to your colleagues, and important to everyone else's productivity and innovation. But they're not going to be what's going to be the, check the box for your own personal review. Then, you have this staggering kind of impact, if you will, on your own personal career development. That can be problematic too. One of the things that I think we really at the heart of this is that, we are seeing that there's still a gap in the workplace. Whether it's the wage gap, whether – that gap, we need to get to what are those systematic things that are happening. It's an onion, so what can we peel back to really see what's going on? We think that part of that is this invisible work, because if it falls on a certain group of people to do that work, well, the people that it doesn't fall on, they're able to put those extra six hours towards what is going to get ticked off for their annual review. So, their careers are going to go a little bit faster. So that, the burnout, the stress, that's personal, really important. But I think from an organizational point of view as well, we're seeing that we don't acknowledge that invisible work. We're causing that discrepancy. [0:24:27] PF: Much of this we're talking about from an individual standpoint, what we ourselves can do. But what about leaders? It seems like leaders should be become more aware. They need to shoulder some of this and say, "Yes, that's correct." Because it's happening in every organization. So, what does a good leader need to do in terms of recognizing invisible work and resolving it, so it doesn't just fall in one person, and so you don't think like, "Well, why is Janelle out there baking cakes, and we're all over here doing spreadsheets?"? [0:24:58] JW: Yes. I'm going to go very tactical for this answer, because, again, it starts with communication. It is asking the direct question. Maybe like we start with the job description. No one likes to dust off the job description, look at it. But what we were doing five years ago, two years ago, even a year ago is different today. So, I'd sit down in one of your coaching conversations. You know what? I have your job description in front of us. Tell me, what are you doing? On a daily basis, what do you do that might not be on here? What is some hidden work that you're doing that you feel is very critical for this team, for this organization, for you personally, that you might be doing that we're not recognizing? So, I think that's a very easy. We can go and we can have that conversation today. We could also, we've already said this, there's an audit. We could do an audit of the job descriptions. We can do an audit, "Hey, over the next month, what are some of these things?" Just so that it can highlight and it can bring visibility to this invisible work. But as a leader, you've got to be at the forefront, and you've got to create this space for this conversation to happen. You have to initiate it. Because, again, there's sometimes, it goes back to how we've been socialized, what our lived experience has been, how we've been institutionalized. We may not bring it, especially if there's a power dynamic in that room. Someone may not bring it to your attention. So as a leader, you have a right, you have a responsibility to bring this to the surface level. [0:26:19] PF: Love that. So, what changes will they see in the workplace? Because there's a huge benefit to people not feeling burned out and exhausted. So, what kind of changes if a leader comes in and says like, "Okay. We're going to look at this and we're going to acknowledge it." Just the acknowledgement can be huge. How is that going to change the work environment? [0:26:38] JW: You want my optimistic. I'm an internal optimist, right? [0:26:41] PF: I love it. That glass is half full.   [0:26:43] JW: Yes. You're absolutely right, because, as we said earlier, an invisible economy is always going to exist. But as we said, and we defined at the beginning, it's acknowledging your time, your efforts, and your contribution. Hey, maybe now, as part of your workload, we give you more time for this activity. How else can we not – even as sometimes a simple thank you goes a really long way, a really long way. We sometimes forget that. I will say, other things I can do is like, "Yes. Is there compensation that comes to it?" And say, "Hey, we actually should be paying you for this." That's important too. What I will say, the outcomes that are going to happen in organizations. Not Attrition rates will go down. People will likely stay longer. We also say, going back to that people leader, and why it's so important to have this conversation with the people leader is because, what the research has shown is that people are more likely to stay in an organization because of that people leader. Paula, I love working for you. You recognize, you acknowledge my work, and my efforts. I am more likely to stay with you. Not because of the organization we work for, but because of you and your leadership. So, having that, making me seen, feel, heard, valued, right, that can go a really long way. Morale will go up. Not just retention rates. Morale, this collaborative, the trust in the organization, so many good outcomes. I get excited as a researcher, because I'm like, "Wow, we have so much to study." Or like, "How we can close this gap and the outcomes that can come from this?" What else there, Doreen? [0:28:13] DM: I think what it is, is for the leaders, it takes some more active role. We're going to see leaders that are actually understanding what people are doing in the workplace, and that's going to have to be something that's done. Because Janelle is our internal optimist, but I'm going to take it down, because there are going to be people who are going to try to abuse it. So, I can imagine some people who are listening to this, and I'm like, "Oh, well, I'm not going to pay people to go get cakes, or I'm not going to pay people to be going to get there." But the thing is, is that, yes, that's not – you're not going to pay them to do that. But when someone does do it, you're going to acknowledge that they've done it, and it's going to be something. You have to know what your people are doing. It's one of these basic things of understanding what goes into the recipe that makes your organization successful. If you see that it is, making sure that you have a really great mentorship program, or that you have a really great wellness program, or whatever, those other things that don't kind of go to your main product line or service line. But if you truly understand all of the components that make your organization great, acknowledge it all, and then that's what we're going to see. Because that's where you be able to create this environment where people want to collaborate, they want to grow together, they want to have all of these great things happening, and then they're going to be able to say, "Okay. Well, yes, I love that." Janelle is going to be the head of our mentorship program, but Doreen maybe has to take on this extra task because of it, because we have to give Janelle five hours a week to be able to do that. So then, we're a team. We're understanding how are we all going to move forward, to all be better. [0:29:46] PF: That is such great insight. You have your book coming out August 28th, we're going to tell our listeners how they can order it, where they can get more information. You have a website with fantastic resources, so they can start learning about it right now. I want to know, what do you hope that people take away from digging into the topic of invisible work? What is the best outcome that you see as in your research as people discover this? [0:30:10] DM: For me, I think it is the idea that we don't have to do this extra alone. Because there's a lot of us struggling, there's a lot of us who are overwhelmed, and we have to be able to say no to that. And be able to say, "I don't have to be overwhelmed to be successful. I don't have to be overwhelmed to get ahead." So, if we can start to really – my hope is that people will say, "Oh, wait a second. This is why I feel maybe overwhelmed. This is why I am maybe suffering." And hopefully, people don't get to the point of burnout, because that is a very extreme example. But this is why I feel stressed, and I'm not the only one. So, that they have the resources from reading this book to be able to have really great conversations with the people that they engage with on a daily basis, to be able to balance that out so that they feel acknowledged and that people can feel more valued when they're contributing in a really important way to our society. [0:31:09] JW: Beautifully stated, Doreen. We always say, bring voice and value to the unseen. Also, it's a shared hope, that we can have a shared understanding for one another, us as individuals, identities, the roles that we have, and the work that we do. That we do for and with one another. [0:31:24] PF: That is fantastic. Janelle, Doreen, I appreciate you spending time with us today. There's a lot that we can learn. I've just in the surface that I've been able to scratch so far. This is an incredible contribution to how we're approaching work, how we're approaching home. I thank you for the work that you're doing, and look forward to digging in deeper. [0:31:45] JW: Thank you, Paula. Again, we truly appreciate the platform right to bringing visibility to this, so that we can all be a part of making this seen. [OUTRO] [0:31:55] PF: You've been listening to Janelle Wells and Doreen MacAulay, talking with me about the invisible work that we do. If you'd like to learn more about their research, check out their book, Our (In)visible Work. Follow them on social media or download a free gift from them. Just visit us at live happy.com and click on this podcast episode. While you're there, be sure to sign up for our weekly Live Happy newsletter. Every week, we'll drop a little bit of joy in your inbox with the latest stories, podcast info, and even a happy song of the week. That's all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
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