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In today’s busy world, we sometimes push aside things that are important to us—like family time and traditions. Blogger, author and former teacher Jessica Smartt believes that making memories is the missing piece in today’s families. As the mother of three, she’s worked to build new traditions in her own family and make those moments more meaningful. Her book, Memory-Making Mom: Building Traditions That Breathe Life Into Your Home, looks at how even the busiest family can rethink their day-to-day activities and create memory-making traditions. She joined us on the Live Happy Now podcast to talk about why these traditions are so important and how we can start creating them in our own families. Live Happy Now: What made you want to write a book about traditions and creating memories? Jessica Smartt: I think for a long time I sort of felt angsty and guilty, that I wasn’t fun enough and our house was kind of lame. I didn’t quite know how to fix it and it just kind of dawned on me one day [while] talking to an older gentleman who is on the other side of parenting, how powerful traditions are. They’re like the missing link between what we care about and how to make it actually happen. Everybody has a tradition from their childhood that they remembered. They’re always different and you know, sometimes they’re the funniest things that stick out to people, but it’s really powerful for kids and for parents too. LHN: It falls on the mom typically, to uphold traditions and implement them, so I think when someone says, "I’m going to start doing traditions," they’re like shoot me now, I don’t need one more thing to do. Can you talk about why it’s important to create traditions? JS: Well, I’d be lying if I said that it was always easy because it’s not. What’s easy is to sit on your phone and scroll. But at the end of the day, no one lays their head on their pillow and thinks, "That was a great 20 minutes I spent scrolling Instagram. I’m so glad I did that." But you do say, and I know this from experience, "I’m glad I played that game of Candy Land for the 20th time” or "I’m glad I played catch with my son in the front yard." While it’s not easy, it’s so satisfying. Putting these things into action is a way of choosing the intentional life that really gives us satisfaction and peace. That’s step one. Step two is—I think I have kind of made it a little bit easy with my book—I always say if you’re starting out, pick a couple of things that matter to your family. With your kids, if they’re old enough, come up with a way to implement that. The amazing thing is kids really remember and so they will actually never forget and will remind you forever for the rest of your life if that helps. LHN: What does it do for us as a family when we intentionally set about making memories? JS: Childhood under our roof is so short and so quick. Number one is, you’re giving them things they need with these memories. It supports us, it bolsters us up, it gives us confidence, it gives us a sense of stability and it tells us who we are. It does so many things that we don’t even realize it. Even little silly ones, you know? Doughnuts every Saturday with dad. That’s doing something on a level that I think we don’t always give it enough credit and then part two is, it tells your family members that they matter. For parents who are so overworked and so busy, this is a way of saying I choose us and you matter. It’s amazing, it really works to say, “We’re all going to hop in the car right now and go to the zoo.” Their faces light up like and you can tell it’s like, “We’re doing this together, we matter. Mom and dad actually like us. They’re not just dragging us around because they have to.” LHN: It does change the way that they see the adult world because they’re used to seeing us work and come home and we’re tired and we’re on our phones, we’re on our laptops…so this can kind of changes the way we are seen by them. JS: Exactly. That’s powerful for me to think you know, talk about technology in a couple of years, my kids are going to have phones and they’re learning right now by watching me how to act with technology, you know? They’re seeing if I have hobbies outside. They’re seeing what I do at dinner. They’re seeing if I look people in the eye and you know, they learn much more from what we’re doing than what we’re saying and so this is a concrete way of saying, here’s what matters to us as a family. We’re important and making memories is important and here’s our values. I always fail, I’m not the perfect memory-making mom, but at least now I have the goal. I know what I’m shooting towards. LHN: Obviously it benefits kids greatly, but what has it done for you as the parent to implement traditions? JS: Well, a big part of it for me, as I said, was just making me feel more confident that I am doing this thing, certainly not perfectly, but a little closer in that direction. That’s a really good, powerful feeling that you kind of have, like you just said, your goal that you’re shooting towards. You know it’s been enjoyable. We’ve made some really fun memories and it is fun as a grown-up to do all this stuff that gives us life, like hiking mountains or going on vacation. LHN: You do a great job in this book of giving us ideas. How does someone start deciding what’s right for their family? JS: There are a ton of ideas in the back. And this summer I’m launching a free bullet journal where you can kind of jot down in different categories to what your particular goals are. I would say, just—in the book, you can actually skip around and pick the topic that really interests you. I would just pick one of those ideas. I like to think of it as maybe picking something daily if it fits. Something seasonal, something maybe weekly.…Even just picking two things a year to do is a great start because you get it under your belt, you feel good about it. You are excited. So, I would just say start very slowly but start.

Teenagers can be rough on your self-esteem. While a younger child looks up to you, desires your company, is eager to please and aspires to be like you, an adolescent becomes more critical, more focused on friends, more argumentative, more passively resistant and strives to be distinct from you. Because of this, you might feel like you invest most of your time worrying about, arguing with, negotiating with and nagging your teen. And, you feel like your worthy efforts at parenting either go unnoticed or are not appreciated. So, how can you cope with this blow to your self-esteem? You must first take responsibility for managing it yourself. To do that, try these four suggestions to make it easier for you. Adjusting Expectations You shouldn’t take these changes personally; they are not about you. Instead, you might tell yourself, “I understand that as my teenager is changing, our relationship is changing. This means that close together times might seem harder to come by.” Asking for What You Need When you feel unacknowledged for your efforts, it’s important that you ask for what you need. For example, you might declare your expectation for common courtesy by saying, “When I do something for you, I would like a ‘thank-you’ just as I give when you do for me.” And when the relationship starts to feel distant or disaffected, you can express your feelings and suggest ways to reconnect by saying something like, “How about we go out to get something to eat or go to a movie or do something else together? I’ve been missing fun company with you.” Insisting on a Give-and-Take You should refuse to adopt a role where you do all the giving and the teenager does all the receiving, because this will naturally lead to resentment. Instead, you can simply say, “I expect to live in a two-way relationship with you. This means just as I do for you, I expect you also do for me. And sometimes you will need to do for me before I do for you.” Defining Yourself Broadly You should not allow your self-esteem to depend entirely on the opinion of your teenager and what she or he does or doesn’t do. Instead, you must define yourself broadly beyond only being a parent to an adolescent. You might remind yourself of other aspects of your life, such as your active social circles, hobbies that you enjoy or charities that you are involved with. And you should absolutely not judge yourself through your adolescent’s unappreciative or critical eyes. To keep up your self-esteem, you must evaluate yourself kindly by focusing on your various parenting “wins,” even if they seem small. To keep up your self-esteemwhile raising teenagers, it helps if you ask yourself,“What do I wish my adolescentwould say in recognition for all I do for her?”Then, you should commit to being your own best supporter and affirmatively answer thatquestion for yourself.