Dawn McMullan and Gorethy Nabushosi with some of the students in the Congo Restoration sewing school.

Restoring Women’s Lives in the Congo

When Dawn McMullan visited Africa in 2007, she never dreamed it would change her life in so many ways — or change the lives of others. “I went to Rwanda on a trip with my church and saw things I didn’t know existed,” says Dawn, a freelance writer and editor in Dallas, Texas. The country had been ravaged by civil war in the mid-90s; more than 1 million people died in Rwanda and 6 million were killed in the Democratic Republic of Congo. “I’d seen deep poverty [on other mission trips], but I hadn’t seen a lack of infrastructure where basic human needs were just unreachable.” That experience was still fresh in her mind when she met Gorethy Nabushosi less than a year later. Gorethy, a refugee who had fled the Congo in 1997 and raised her six children in Dallas, had visited her home country to see how she could help. A decade after the genocide, she saw a system that was completely broken. [caption id="attachment_19859" align="aligncenter" width="225"] Gorethy Nabushosi with twin fifth grade students from the Congo Restoration sewing school.[/caption] “She went to a village and basically found a lot of orphans and took in all 30 kids,” Dawn says. “Then she called her husband and said, ‘I need $1,000 to figure out what to do with these kids. I can’t leave them.’ And that’s how it began.” Unsure of where to turn, Gorethy returned to Dallas and reached out to a Methodist church for help. The church connected her with Dawn, who immediately jumped on board. “When Gorethy came into my life, I was already somewhat familiar with the situation and had this great, inexplicable passion for it,” Dawn says. “From there, we started what became Congo Restoration.” Changing Africa One Woman at a Time The first order of business was to secure a home with caretakers for the 30 orphans Gorethy had taken in. Then, they focused on empowering women through education. In 2010, they started a sewing school that provided girls with a skill and a six-month education. In the Congo, girls and women are usually sent to work in the fields; Gorethy knew that offering them an education would be life changing. “Not only does that give them a way to make money that they didn’t have before, but it also raises them up in society,” Dawn explains. “They’re no longer the lowest ranks of society; they are respected women, because they have a business. They can send their kids to school. They’re in charge of their financial destiny. And that is not a thing in the Democratic Republic of Congo that a woman would usually be in charge of.” Initially, it was a hard sell to convince parents to take their daughters away from working in the fields to teach them a skill because it meant the girl wouldn’t be bringing home money during that time. Sometimes, Dawn says, they had to offer the family things of value like soap or salt to seal the deal. But the sewing school has now graduated more than 800 women, supplying each one with a sewing machine and a sewing kit with everything they need to start their own business. Creating a Brighter Future “Now when we're about to graduate a class, hundreds of women line up wanting to be in that next class,” Dawn says. “Their families cry when they get their diploma. It’s a shift in how the community sees these women.” She also sees dramatic changes in the women who attend the school: “We teach them a lot of things in those six months. Sewing is one of them, but there are other things we teach them about how valuable they are. And by the time they graduate, you can see that in their eyes.” Congo Restoration continues changing the lives of families in the Congo, but Dawn says she is the one who has gained so much from the work. “When I go to Congo, when I’m doing things for the schools, I get so much thanks from the people there,” she says. “But they have no idea how much they’re changing me, how much they’re teaching me. I wish everyone could find the one thing they can do like that that lights them up. “If everybody did something with a passion to do good in the world, there’s just no way the world’s not benefiting from all that good energy.” [caption id="attachment_19865" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Gorethy Nabushosi with recent graduates of Congo Restoration's sewing school.[/caption]
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Transcript – Happy Activist Dawn McMullan: Changing Lives in the Congo

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Happy Activist Dawn McMullan: Changing Lives in the Congo [INTRODUCTION] [0:00:01] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 426 of Live Happy Now. I'm your host, Paula Felps. This week, we're introducing a new occasional series called Happy Activists, where I sit down with someone who is doing amazing things to make our world a little bit happier. Our very first happy activist is Dawn McMullan, a freelance writer and editor whose life changed when she met a woman who had fled the Democratic Republic of Congo. As she learned more about the plight of girls and young women in the Congo, Dawn was compelled to act, and as you're about to learn, she has become part of a nonprofit organization called Congo Restoration that has already changed hundreds of families and continues to grow. Let's listen as Dawn tells us how giving back to others has given her a greater sense of purpose. [EPISODE] [0:00:50] PF: Well, Dawn, thank you for joining me as our first Happy Activist episode on Live Happy Now. [0:00:55] DM: Thank you for having me. I'm honored to be here. Very, very excited. [0:01:00] PF: I just had to get you on the show, because I've known you for a very long time, full disclosure. I've watched as you become really passionate about helping others. As long as I've known you, you have always made it a point to give back. I've seen you take your entire family to Mexico and work on homes. You've collected donations for refugees who are starting over in the US. It seems to me like you are always doing good for others. I wanted to know, first of all, where did that come from and how did that start? [0:01:31] DM: I'll correct you that when we met in our 20s, I was probably not doing that, but – [0:01:31] PF: We had other stuff going on in our 20s. [0:01:39] DM: Exactly. But how it started was that I had kids. I think there's a shift in a lot of parents when they have kids and how you're engaging with the world and your child looking at you engaging with the world. That really is how it started. We go to a church and that, unfortunately, or fortunately, is a way a lot of people connect with doing good in the world. I say, unfortunately, because I have a lot of friends who don't go to church and they have a difficult time finding ways to involve their kids and do good in the world. That's how it started with us. We started going to church, because our kids started asking questions. Then here we are with this little liberal church in Dallas, doing a lot of good in the world. One of those ways was to go to war as and build houses, and that's a fun thing to take little boys to do. So, it started as a way I wanted to parent and teach my kids about the world. Then as with a lot of things, then it became much more than that for me. [0:02:41] PF: I think it's important to note that now your little boys are young men, and they're still doing that. I just went back to Mexico with your husband, their dad, and did it again. I was really surprised to see that, gosh, after all these years, they're still doing that, because you don't think of – well, think of us in our 20s. We were not going to Mexico and helping others, but they do. It's still important to them. I love that that instilled a sense of helping others in them. [0:03:07] DM: Yeah. They were five and eight the first time we took them. They're 26 and 23 now. Yeah, they take turns going with their dad. Sometimes they all go together, but once a year, there's some combination of our family. I've opted out of that, because I've decided at 55, I don't want to do manual labor as much anymore, but luckily, I gave birth to these people who do. I feel like I've checked that box. [0:03:31] PF: That's terrific. You do other things, though. That leads us to the Congo Restoration Project. How is, first of all, what that is, how this all started? [0:03:41] DM: Congo Restoration is a project out of the Democratic Republic of Congo. A dear friend of mine, Gorethy Nabushosi is Congolese. She is from the eastern part of Congo, which border is Rwanda. Now, most people don't know much about the Democratic Republic of Congo. Most people are familiar with Rwanda, where the genocide happened in the mid-90s. There was a lot of publicity about that. There was a movie about that. It got all the guilt, money and good deeds done, because it's a very famous thing. A million people died in the genocide. I was just there. Actually, one week ago today, I was at the genocide museum. It's all very fresh to me. [0:04:22] PF: Wow. [0:04:23] DM: Six million people died in Congo, right across the border from partially the genocide expanding into that area. The people who did the killing escape to that area, that reached some havoc. A lot of the turmoil there has been because there's a mineral in the Democratic Republic of Congo called Colton. 70% of the Colton in the world comes from this area. It is required in every single phone, every single laptop, every single iPad. This is required to run them. You would think that it would be just a super-rich country, right? Because they have the minerals that we all need, but that's not the case, because it's a corrupt, generally been corrupt government. A few people at the top get rich and it's one of the poorest countries in the entire world. My friend is from there. [0:05:16] PF: Did she come to the US and that’s – you met her here in the States? [0:05:20] DM: Yes. Yeah, she was a refugee who came shortly after the genocide, actually, when there was a lot of unrest, because of that. She's an attorney by trade. She was trying to fight for women's rights. That is so not a thing in the Democratic Republic of Congo. In fact, it's still not a thing, but it was even worse this time. She was in danger. She came here. She has six kids. They were aged three to 11 at the time. The way that asylee status works in the States, you come by yourself and then you try to get status for the rest of your family. She fled here, literally made smoothies at Whole Foods, because your education doesn't really count once you get here and got asylee status. Then the rest of her family joined her. This is in Dallas where I live. She raised her family here. Then she went back at some point about 10 years later, right before I met her. She went to a hospital that was treating women for injuries of rape, because at one point, Congo was the rape capital of the world. It was used as a weapon of war. It's still not uncommon there, but at least I don't think they have that title anymore, but at the time they did. She went because women's rights were really her passion at that point. She went to this hospital and all the women were just saying, “I don't know where my kids are.” Like they'd been – war, war is chaotic. They'd been pulled away from their family. She went to this village and found the kids, found, basically a lot of orphans and took them in, took 30 kids in, called her husband and said, “I need a thousand dollars to figure out what to do with these kids. I can't leave them.” Okay. So, that's how Congo Restoration began. That's our origin story. I met her shortly after that. She came home and just made a random call, like looked up. I know Methodist church on the internet and called the main office in New York. My church is Methodist. I'd happened to connect – I had connected with somebody there recently. That's how we got connected. It's a super random thing. [0:07:16] PF: That's amazing, like that meant to be. [0:07:20] DM: Yes. They’re like, “I don't know what to do with you, but Dawn's in Dallas. Call her” [0:07:26] PF: What was it that made you connect with it? Cause there's so much need. We are constantly hearing tragic stories. It's like everywhere we turned, somebody needs help. There's a nonprofit that needs our money. What was it that made you say, “Yeah, I'm going to invest, not just my money, but my life and my time into this?” [0:07:45] DM: I had been to Rwanda the year before on a trip with also connected to my church. We had just seen how the systems work and don't work in that same region. This is all the same region. In Rwanda, because of the genocide, there were tons of orphans that were heads of household. This nonprofit was trying to help those oldest kids of these families really start a community, because a lot of the adults were just gone. You had to create a new system, basically. I'd gone on this trip and just really seeing things I didn't know existed. Like I – like you mentioned. I've been to Mexico. I've been to El Salvador. I'd seen poverty. I'd seen deep poverty, but I hadn't seen the lack of infrastructure where there's no way you're going to have running water in your life, probably, where just basic human needs were just unreachable. I hadn't seen anything like that in my life. I don't know. It just seemed so ridiculous in whatever year this was that I went 2008. It's also ridiculous in 2023. I just came back and saw the same thing. There was something about, and you never know what's going to reach you. You just never know. If you get out there and say yes to interesting opportunities in life. You may – like I never, if you'd asked me 15 years ago, “Hey, do you think you're going to be passionate about Eastern Africa?” I'd be like, “I don't know. Never been.” [0:09:13] PF: Do they have gorillas there? [0:09:14] DM: Yeah. They have gorillas there, which is a nice little bonus to my work. Yeah, I can't quite explain it except the – I didn't know that situation really existed in the world on that level of being in the middle of it. Then there was just something about the people there and the region that just really touched my heart. Again, that's different for everybody. That's what mine was. When Gorethy came into my life, six months later, I was already somewhat familiar with the situation and just had this great, inexplicable passion for it. From there, from that beginning, we started what Congo Restoration is now, which I'm happy to tell you about whenever you're ready to hear about. [0:09:57] PF: Yes. So, what is it? What exactly does it do? [0:09:59] DM: Our basic mission is to empower women and girls through education. Gorethy was also an orphan. Her parents died really young. Her siblings made sure she finished school and not only did she finish school, she's an attorney. She was a, as I mentioned here, she was asylee here, working at Whole Foods. Her husband was a pharmacist, but also that did not translate here. They went from high – [0:10:28] PF: A comfortable life. [0:10:29] DM: Comfortable life there to minimum wage here. They had six kids, all of them went to college, like education was very core to everything she believed. Of course, I agree with her. There's so many problems when you go into a place like Congo. It just seems like, “Well, how can I make a difference here? It's just nothing works.” It just seems like nothing works. If you come at that in a smaller way, which is how it's always good to come in a problem. It's like, “Well, what can we do?” We can lift up women through education. That's where we focus. After the orphans, which we took in. She took in the 30. The next project was a sewing school for women who – girls there often don't finish school, because it's not mandatory and it's not free. If you're going to spend $15 a month or $5 a month on uniforms and tuition for public school, you're going to send your boys. That's just the culture there. Girls and women are meant to work in the field, so if you put them in school, you're also cutting down on the fact that they're gathering food for the family that you're going to eat that night. These are very different priorities that they have to have and they do have as far as eating and food, food, security and girls and boys. There were a lot of young women who didn't finish primary school. They – a lot of them back then had been raped in the conflict. That was another overlaying factor. They are just the bottom wrong of society. Those couple of things. We started a sewing school. They learn a skill. They study for six to eight months. When they graduate. We give them a sewing machine and a sewing kit full of things they need for their sewing business, and they start a business. We've had more than 800 women graduate, and all but two of them have done exactly that. The other two moved off to – [0:12:12] PF: That is amazing. How many years have you had the school up? [0:12:16] DM: Since 2010 – [0:12:19] PF: How many women? [0:12:21] DM: I think it's actually 850 from the graduation. I just went to about – [0:12:23] PF: That is absolutely incredible, that you've impacted directly that many lives. [0:12:29] DM: Not only does that give them a way to make money that they didn't have before, but it also raises them up in society, like they're no longer the lowest ranks of society. They are respected women, because they have a business. They send their kids to school, because they can make money. They're in charge of their financial destiny. That is not a thing in the Democratic Republic of Congo that a woman would be in charge of that. Statistically speaking, no offense to men. If you invest in women, if you give women an opportunity to make money, they will invest it in their families and in their community at a much higher rate than men will. Again, no offense. [0:13:08] PF: Are you starting to see that next generation yet that's being affected by it from the early graduates? [0:13:14] DM: Yes. We have – I mean, they're still running their businesses. They are hiring. I went to a shop just a couple of weeks ago when I was there, one of our graduates she graduated about three or four years ago. She has a shop. She's hiring three other people in her shop. She's not only running her own business. She's actually employing people. Her kids go to school because she's in charge of that money. She makes that decision that they're going to go to school. I mean, when you throw education at people, there's nothing that's going to – it's going to do, but lift them up. Just fight me on that. There's just nothing that – it can only lift them up. I don't have the statistics right in front of me, but that's just the case. We're – seeing that. [0:13:56] PF: Then how does it change the community that this is in where they see these young girls, these women creating a different life? How does it change the way that they view their own roles in society and what they can accomplish? [0:14:10] DM: It's interesting, because when we first started in 2010, a couple of things happened. One, Gorethy had to go – we have 40 women at a time. She had to go to almost all the homes of these young women and convince the parents to send them, because, again, what are you doing? You're taking them out of the fields. [0:14:28] PF: Right. She had to convince them that this is a long-term thing. We have gone through phases where we would give out soap or salt or something that was valuable, so that their families wouldn't think they were wasting their time. There is no way to control how many kids you have in Congo, really. A lot of these young women would have kids. We'd have to convince the parents it's worth your time to watch their toddler while they're in school. Let's think long term. We used to have to do that. Now there are hundreds of women who line up when it's time, when we're about to graduate a class who line up wanting to be in that next class. One, that's changed. Two, in the beginning, she would have a lot of pushback from the leaders in the community, who were all men, saying, “Why are you wasting your time with these women? Why are you investing in women?” They didn't want to come to graduations. They didn't want to be – they just thought, they didn't like what Gorethy was doing. Now they come to our graduations. Now there is still some pushback of why we mainly help women and girls. I'll get into, because we have another project that's with girls in a minute, but generally, their families come. They're so excited. Their families cry when they get their diploma. It's a shift in how the community sees these women. You can also see the shift in the women. I always meet when I go to a graduation, which is every few years. We'll have the graduation celebration. Then usually the next 40 women will be there at the end and I'll meet them. They just have a look about them. They don't see their own value. You can see it in their eyes. You can just see it. Then you look at our graduates and you can see them around town and they are just – they definitely see their value. We teach them a lot of things in that six month. Sewing is one of them, but there's also, there are other things we teach them about how valuable they are. You can visibly see that in their eyes. The other project we have, because Gorethy saw like, this is making a huge difference, but it's not going deep enough, because these are again, women who have had just a primary education. They've not had secondary education. They need to know how to read and write, so they can take orders from customers, but that's really all. She wanted to go deeper. We started an all-girls primary school in fall of 2019. Not amazing timing with the pandemic right around corner, but who knew, who knew. [0:16:50] PF: Well, you did not. [0:16:51] DM: We did not. We have, as I mentioned, school is not free or mandatory. Often girls don't get to go to school. We started a primary school. As of September we will have grades one through six, 160 girls. That again was a bit of a battle. Gorethy had to really talk it up like, well, first of all, we made it free, some people were somewhat interested in that. They didn't have to pay for anything. Our sewing school makes the uniforms. Uniforms are mandatory. [0:17:16] PF: Oh, nice. [0:17:17] DM: Throughout Congo, so that's another obstacle. If you want to send your kids to school, you have to buy uniforms. We don't have to worry about that. Our sewing school makes those. Then we decided to feed them breakfast and lunch, which is highly unusual. Parents really liked that. These are kids who were eating one, probably not super healthy meal a day at home. So, to feed them two at school? That, one, is just good for their brains. Two, was a reason that parents were willing to send them. Again, now that school is very popular. People are always asking us why they can't send their boys. Somebody else needs to come in. I'm going to do a shout out. Somebody else needs to come in and educate boys in that area, because girls are – Yeah, it's just it lifts the whole village up, because there's something exciting coming there. The first graduation. The first sewing school graduation I went to in 2015, two UN white Jeep, land cruisers, right? Land Rovers, whatever they're called, pulled up dramatically outside the school. We were having this big festival, this big like celebration. These guys get out and I'm still connected to one of them actually on social media. This guy from Pakistan says, “What's going on here?” Very like somewhat aggressive. I said, “Oh” I explained what was going on. I said, “Did you have questions?” He goes, “No, I've been here for two years and I've never seen joy, so I just had to stop and see.” [0:18:35] PF: Oh, my gosh. [0:18:36] DM: He stayed for the whole thing, because he's just like, “I've never seen anything like this in this community.” I think what our schools do in this village, even if you're not directly involved, like you're not a student or your kids not a student or your daughter's not a student, is it offers hope. It offers hope, which is something hard to come by in this area of the world. [0:18:59] PF: It's so essential. That is just absolutely amazing. Tell me, we can see what it's doing for the women and the girls that you're working with. What has it done for you? How has it changed your worldview and how you welcome others into your life? [0:19:15] DM: I think it's just, it's changed so much. It's hard to not be changed by visiting that part of the world. Now I was involved in – I went to Rwanda. Then I was involved with Congo Restoration for six or seven years before I actually went. You should not look up the state departments warning about whether you should go to Congo. There was a little bit of a pause of me actually getting to convincing my family that was a good idea. It's perfect. I've never had a problem. [0:19:42] PF: Mommy will come back. It's fine. [0:19:43] DM: Yeah. Mommy will – my husband's always joking, he has to get down to his dating weight before I leave. But I've never had any problems there. Certain parts of Congo, I wouldn't go to. This part of Congo has been fine. To live in our world where just, literally things work. Let's set aside the poverty for a minute, but just, things work. We have roads, we have water that comes out of a faucet. We have Wi-Fi that works. We have electricity that works. To leave that world for an extended period of time and to realize that most of the world lives more like that than we live. I mean, Congo is an extreme example, but honestly, more people in the world live closer to that than live as we live. To be in that world and to be in that world enough where you have friends and people you know who live in that all the time, just you can't help but come back to our world, and, well, just one, just be more thankful for it and not take it for granted as much as you can. Although, that's hard, because this is our reality. I think it makes you much more – it's hard to really complain. I mean, we can complain, but it's hard to complain a lot when we have the lives that we have. Certainly, things go wrong in our life. They do, but on a daily basis, we have food, that we have a bed to sleep on, not a floor to sleep on. Women have rights more, less than we did, but we women have rights here. Women are valued here. It's not perfect, none of it's perfect, but being a woman in Congo looks like the hardest thing I've ever seen. They will carry things on their back with a baby on their front, that look just impossible. They are, like a cow has more value, I think, literally than a woman does in Congo. To see that makes me feel like I have such a responsibility as a woman to, one, lift others up because of the privilege that I have, just from being born here. I was just born here and they were just born there. Nothing else happened. That's it. To pass that on to my sons, specifically. If I had daughters, I'd probably have a different take on it. That knowledge, yeah, it just, it can't help but change you to see how differently other people live. I have met so many interesting people that I would never know there and in other ways, because I'm connected to this. So when you say yes to something that really jazzes you, and to whatever your ability is to go all in – now I'm very lucky that I am a freelance writer and editor. I can travel this way. My work is more flexible than a lot of people's work. Right now, I'm an empty nester, generally. I have a lot more freedom in that way, but to say yes to the things that really light you up like that, I think just adds so much to your life. I can't even imagine my life without Congo Restoration. [0:22:45] PF: Yeah. Everyone connects with something a little bit different and finds that that thing that lights them up and it's going to be different than what yours is or the next person. What's your advice for anyone who's looking for that thing? Because sometimes we go through life and we're like, “Man, I want to feel like I'm giving back. I want to feel like I'm making a difference and scattershot about it.” How do you do that? [0:23:07] DM: One thing is look for how you feel, like I don't know something in your life that when you, for me, it's like when I go out with my girlfriends. When I leave that energy, like I'm driving home and I just feel like I've had too much caffeine. That's what it feels like, just a little buzz, like I can't quite just go right to bed when I get home. There's something about that energy. That's one thing I can compare it to. When I'm at Congo – when I am leading a Congo Restoration meeting or meeting with Gorethy about it. I have that same buzz like afterward. So, when you're in situations, I think look for that, it may not feel – maybe I'm just weird with this whole caffeine buzz thing, but that's what it feels like to me. [0:23:49] PF: Maybe it's just an actual caffeine buzz, Dawn. [0:23:51] DM: It might be, but I don't think so. Just look for your reaction to it, because there are some things. I mean, I have been on some boards on some very, for some very important things in the world and just been like, “Oh, I don't want to go to this meeting.” Oh, this is such important work, but it's not interesting to me. That's okay. Everything's not interesting to everybody. I don't think you need to force a situation that doesn't jazz you. It's like when you're looking to make friends or you're looking to date somebody. If you're open to it and you're saying yes to things and you're exploring around, there'll be some hits and misses. But if you're open to it and you say yes to things, I think that you'll find it. I would also like look around your normal world, like if you would rather cuddle with your dog than go out to dinner with your significant other, I'm not judging you. I get it. That might be – [0:24:41] PF: Are you speaking, specifically to me right now? [0:24:44] DM: I mean, I might be. Also, talking to myself, but like that might be like ding, ding, ding, maybe animals are the thing or if you like a certain region of the world. If you think about what jazz as you already maybe start out in that direction. Again, church is an easy way to do it. there are other ways to do it that don't involve church. If you're open to it. I think being open to it is key. [0:25:11] PF: Yeah. Then this seems idealistic, but let's go there for a minute. How would our world look different if everyone would find just one thing that lights him up and find one way to give back? [0:25:23] DM: Oh, I just think it would be amazing. I mean, how could it not be different? There's so many people in the world that just have their job and their family. Their friends and they watch Netflix at night. I do those things too. I also think there are people who like, are at the grocery store and everything's giving round up to the nearest dollar for the food pantry and check the box. Go for that. Please do that. That's important. If everybody in the world did something with the passion that helped some do good in the world, one, there's just no way the world's not benefiting from all those good deeds and all that good energy. Also, it's just such a, for yourself. There's very few things like giving back. When I go to Congo, when I'm doing my things for the schools, I get so many things from the people there. Thank you for doing this. Thank you for doing this, like, but you have no idea how much you're changing me, how much you're teaching me. I just learned so many things. To have that energy from something you're doing just makes you different, so you're different, the people you're helping are different. There's just no bad scenario to all that happening. I just really wish people would find the one thing, if everybody would find the one thing that they – you don't have to go to Congo. I'm an extreme example. You don't have – [0:26:50] PF: You go to the animal shelter. [0:26:52] DM: Yes. You can go to the animal shelter. If you, do it regularly, like working out, like if you do it regularly, that's where the difference is made. You're changed, they're changed. Relationships are made and that is where the magic happens. [0:27:07] PF: Love it. Dawn, thank you so much for joining me today. I am so thrilled to be able to have you as our very first happy activist and couldn't think of a better person for it. Thank you for the good that you're putting out into the world. Thank you for coming on and telling us about it. [0:27:21] DM: Thank you. [OUTRO] [0:27:26] PF: That was Dawn McMullan talking about her work with Congo Restoration has helped make her own life better. If you'd like to learn more about Dawn and the Congo Restoration Project, just visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. If you have a happy activist in your life that you'd like to see featured in a future episode, please email us at editor@livehappy.com and tell us all about them. That's editor@livehappy.com. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
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Graphic of a opened journal with a pen next to it.

Transcript – Writing for Well-being with Beth Kempton

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Writing for Well-being with Beth Kempton [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PP: Thank you for joining us for episode 425 of Live Happy Now. What would you say if I told you that picking up a pen could change your life? I'm your host, Paula Felps. And this week, I'm talking with Beth Kempton about how writing can help you connect with your feelings, your creativity and ignite your dreams. As the author of many books, including her latest, The Way of The Fearless Writer, Beth knows firsthand how writing can help boost our well-being. More than 30,000 people have taken her online writing courses. And today, she's here to talk about why becoming a writer is more about what it does for your soul and becoming a bestseller. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:42] PP: Beth, thank you so much for joining me on Live Happy Now. [00:00:47] BK: Oh, it's my pleasure what a treat to get to talk to you about writing and call it work. [00:00:52] PP: I know. I'm so excited to have this conversation because, you know, writing has been part of my life since I was a child. And I think it's an amazing way to connect with ourselves, connect with others. And to begin with, I wanted to find out about your writing journey. Tell me how writing started for you. [00:01:09] BK: I don't remember not writing. I mean, I was surrounded by books since – well, for as long as I can remember. They were a part of decoration in my house as a child. Books everywhere. And even when we didn't have much money, my mum would always prioritize buying books, going to the library. And interestingly, we would be rewarded with books. And I remember she had this bin bag. Here in the UK, we have black bin bags. Well, these days it's just landfill. But back in the days of no recycling, we used to have these big, heavy, black bin bags that she would fill with books. And if it was a rainy day, we'd get to go in the cupboard under the stairs and pick one out. Like a lucky dip. So it always just been such a wonderful part of my life. I didn't get to writing books until much, much later. But I have always written. I mean, I have over a hundred journals in cardboard boxes in my attic. And not always writing the same thing. Not always – only journaling. Not always writing stories. Not always writing lists. Just literally, it's just a mishmash in every journal. And it's very interesting to look back through certain periods of my life and see how what I wrote changed. How I wrote changed? And even the style of writing changes. Like if I'm very excited, and traveling and good stuff going on, I tend to write like really loopy and big. And then some of my journals are like really, really tiny neat writing. As if everything is – I'm very constricted. It's very interesting to look at that. And I wasn't aware of it at the time. But when I came to write about writing, I started to think about all these things and realized how I've really traced a path through my whole life with words. [00:02:55] PP: And that's interesting that you saved all that. Because that's important. I know, as a child, I would write a lot of stories. And when I read them now, I'm like, "Oh, did no one call CPS?" Because I was working out a lot of family stuff in my stories. And my mom ended up saving them. And I read them now and I'm like, "Oh, my gosh. I was a little kid trying to process trauma." And I was doing that through telling these stories. [00:03:22] BK: That's incredible though, that you did that and put it on the page. [00:03:27] PP: No. That was just such a way – even back then, without me realizing, it was such a way for me to speak my truth and be able to tell a story even though I was telling it as fiction as somebody – it was happening to somebody else. And it was happening in other times. You know, like medieval times, or Hobbit times, or whatever. [00:03:44] BK: Yeah. [00:03:46] PP: But, yeah. For myself, that's where it began. Like I started using storytelling to work through some of that stuff that I couldn't process as a kid. And so, I think it's so wonderful that you were able to save all that and look back really on your life through the eyes of your younger self writing that story. [00:04:05] BK: Yeah. I mean, one of my favorites is a five-year diary from when I was a teenager. Um, it's one of those where it's got the same day every year for five years on a single page. So you can see how I'm maturing in the way I write. And also, the things I notice and care about and write, it's fascinating. I wish I'd kept that up all my life. [00:04:25] PP: Oh, yeah. Oh, man. That's a great one for our listeners to jump on to. That'd be a great practice to start where, one day, you pick the same day every year and you write about where you're at. That's fantastic. [00:04:37] BK: Yes. And I think what's wonderful about that is that when you get back to the first page, January the 1st, or whenever you started, you realize how far you've come. And I think sometimes when things are really difficult, it feels like we're treading water or we're kind of going through mud and nothing's changing. But something is always changing. And it's not always a good idea to go back and read everything. Sometimes I think just getting onto the page and getting it out is the best place for it to be. But for little snippets like that, it can be really good to remember, "Oh, yeah. I was experiencing that. And I don't feel like that anymore. And I've come far." Whatever. It can really help you notice those changes however small or big. [00:05:19] PP: And what I love about that too is you can look at it. If you're going through a difficult time one year, you can look back and say, "Okay. But three years ago, look how good things were." And you can see, like it can get back to that again. You start recognizing how cyclical everything in life is. And you're going to have years that are amazing. And you're going to have yours that you barely survive. But you can kind of track that. [00:05:45] BK: And see that the difficult periods end as well. Everything ends at some point, which can be hard to see when you're in it. But it's a beautiful way to capture that, for sure. [00:05:55] PP: That's a terrific tool. I love that. At what point did you realize what writing could do? That it was more than just something you were driven to do. But you really realized it was a need? [00:06:08] BK: Well, I think I wrote my way out of my corporate career just in terms of what I wrote in my notebook. And I was just talking to my husband about this the other day actually. Because we're soon on our way to Japan for the summer. And we're taking our children now. And they've never been. But we got engaged there 12 years ago. And he took a sabbatical from work for six months. And he took a notebook, a brand new notebook with him, and he went to Japanese school in the morning. And every afternoon, he would cycle down the river and sit by the river and write in his notebook. And he'd never done that before. It was like a whole new thinking. And he wasn't really aware of what he'd written. And then he said – he was looking on the plane home and realized he'd written, "I must quit my job," about 15 times in his notebook. And he hadn't even realized he'd written it. And so, he came back and quit his job and joined my company. And we've been working together ever since. But I think that often happens. It's what you write over and over again without realizing it. It's like you're trying to send yourself a really important message. I've done that as well. But in terms of understanding how it can help us through difficult times in – I mean, in my work, my company is called Do What You Love. And I help people to navigate difficult times in their life or change career and find ways to do what they love. And most of my teaching is online. And I've always had a lot of very interactive exercises, which I think in the beginning I didn't realize how much they would generate words. I would just ask people questions. And I think it's strange to – especially being British, to name my own superpower. But if I have one, it's probably asking questions. Just asking people exactly the question that they need to hear to find their own answer. And so, that's what a lot of my courses have done. And what I was finding was that people were just writing and writing and writing and finding that that in itself was helping them. Never mind the answers that they were discovering in the writing. I felt that more than a decade ago. And as we've gone on and I've started teaching actual writing classes. Not very conventionally. There's never any feedback in my writing classes. And they're very warm, comforting places. There's absolutely no critique or anything like that. It's absolutely just about learning to trust yourself and getting your words on the page. But it's amazing to see how people open up. And when they start their writing habit, you come – I do a lot of seasonal writing courses. And so, they come back the following years. This is what we were talking about with the diary. And they've kept their writing habit up all year round and they come back again. Say, they were in the winter one. They come back the next winter. And you can see how they've worked through so much in their life. But also, how their writing has developed. Because they're allowing themselves to just write whatever wants to be written rather than trying to call something on the page. And I've found it in my own life. But more than ever this year. Because I lost my mum a few months ago. And it's just been such a difficult time. I was very close to her. And it's interesting because I had a very strong 5am writing habit before she became ill. I'd done it all the way through writing The Way of the Fearless Writer. And it's really how I get books written as somebody – a mother of two small children. I have to be up early in the morning. But that whole routine went out of the window when she was diagnosed with cancer. And I spent the last weeks of her life by her side the whole time. There was no routine, whatsoever. But I kept writing in all sorts of ways. I had a journal. I'd write a lot on my phone. I would speak into my phone as well. And I recently put this all together. And there are thousands of words. And where my brain has kind of went to mush and I couldn't really remember the details of what had happened. And I'd find myself going towards biases of certain things. Things were really difficult. Things were really beautiful. Things were really challenging. Depending on my mood, that's how I was reflecting. I looked at my notes and it gave me a much clearer picture of the whole thing. And I'd captured entire conversations with my mother. And I'd captured my own experience of going through something that I never experienced before. And now I'm still in the very early stages of grief. But without question, writing words myself and reading, poetry especially, it's been incredibly feeling. [00:10:51] PP: Yeah. What a gift you gave yourself to – because when you're in the middle of that journey. And as you said, it's a blur. You're going through it. You're on autopilot a lot of times. There's so many big emotions involved. And to be able to sit down afterwards and see what you were feeling and what you were going through. And you find – you discover good times that wouldn't have stuck out to you had you not written it down. I think that's such wonderful advice. And like I said, it's such an incredible gift that you give yourself, give your future self, to be able to document challenging times and see how you made it through. [00:11:26] BK: And I think that's exactly the right word, to document. And I wasn't differentiating between what's a beautiful thought, or a poetic thought or something, "Oh, I must capture this." Because I just had an idea about the meaning of life or whatever. I was capturing everything. There's medical notes. How much she drunk, you know? Or pain relief she'd been given followed by a line that might be in a poem. Followed by what the weather's like. A conversation I'd had with one of my brothers. You know, it's a real mishmash. But it's so interesting to have it all as a picture. And actually, I'm working on another book now. And a whole chapter is based on those notes. I didn't write them to become part of a book. But as it so often happens, when we're completely honest with our words, something really important bubbles up out of it. And you can sense a kind of truth that maybe doesn't sit in the individual words. But when you look back at the whole thing, you can kind of see into the heart of it. And that's certainly been my experience these past few months. [00:12:31] PP: Yeah. And I want to talk about the fact that, so oftentimes, people say, "Well, I want to be a writer." And they feel like if they're not going to write a book or if they can't get a book published, there's really no reason to write. And I come from a very different place on that. I have had some books published. but I've also written manuscripts that were entirely for the journey of writing it. It was telling the story. And it didn't really matter if that story ever got out. It was my need to tell that story. Can you talk about the importance of people considering writing even if it's never going to be published? Even if only one other person reads it. Or if nobody reads it. What is the value of discovering that writing journey? [00:13:15] BK: It's such an important thing to ask ourselves. And I'll be completely honest and say, when I got my first piece of paid writing published, it was in a travel magazine. I was still quite young in my early 20s. But I think I thought, "Oh, my goodness. I'm a writer now. I've had this validation from an editor who thinks it's good enough to pay me. And they paid me enough money to buy a visa to go to China. Oh, my goodness. This is like the real deal." But, obviously, in the year since I'd come to realize that writing has nothing to do with money. For me, writing – there's many reasons to write books. But the financial side of things purely buys me time to do more writing. That's really what it's all about. And I think our society has a lot to answer for in terms of why we feel that way. And, I mean, I've had thousands of people through my courses. And the same things come up again and again. And we trust other people's opinions. And we value other people's opinions more than our own. Why is that? It's crazy. When you start writing from that point of view, you expect what you write to begin with to be – has to be really good. Otherwise, I'm going to get – someone's going to say my writing's rubbish. And then my confidence is going to be crushed. And then – well, probably. But nobody said you have to share your writing with someone as soon as you put a sentence on the page. I mean, if you go back through my journals and my notes, even notes from my MacBook manuscripts, until very far down the line, they're a little rubbish to someone else reading them. And I put a lot of effort into polishing my sentences towards the end. But I'm interested in what comes from my heart and spills onto the page. And some people call that flow. What is really important to remember is that flowing the writing doesn't mean flow in the reading. [00:15:19] PP: Ah. That's true. Yeah. That's a good point. [00:15:21] BK: It really doesn't. There's work to do to make it flow when you read it. But the flow in the writing is I feel like it's connecting to something very, very deep and important in the human experience. It's very bizarre when you get to a point that you can spill words in a way that you almost can't remember what you've written until you look back and read them. And so often, what you read back just feels like something you knew but you don't know how you knew it. And when you get to the point that you can do that, which simply comes from practice, from ritual, from seeing writing as a sacred thing that you do in your life. You might light a candle before you write. You might just find other ways to close kind of – I like to think about going to another room not necessarily physically. But a different space away from the rest of my life to write and come back again. If you give yourself the grace to do that, whether that's for five minutes, or five hours, or five days, you're sending yourself a really important message about the fact that getting to know who you are, and what matters to you, what words live inside you, is important to you. Because, for sure, it's important. That is what is going to guide you authentically through your life and help you stop being swayed by what everyone else thinks and help you make better decisions as much as anything. I mean, I think it's a real life tool. And then there's the creativity aspect of it. Just the beauty in some words landing on a page and feeling like a poem. That's just gorgeous. That's as beautiful as any flower you'll find in your garden. [00:17:14] PP: That is so true. Because as you're speaking, it occurs to me like I do. I feel like my smarter self shows up to write. And then I come back through and read it and go, "Oh, okay. That's a great thought." And that's what you're talking about without flow. Like we have an innate wisdom. We have things that our head is too busy to hear. And when you really release on a page and you let yourself write at that level, then things come out that, like I said, you're just too busy to hear. [00:17:43] BK: Yeah. And I think there's a lot of things that we struggle to articulate in words out loud to another human being if things are difficult. If we're trying to make a decision, or we're not happy with something in our life, or there's a relationship difficulty, or we're struggling because of grief or whatever it is that is difficult for us. I find, if I'm in my head, which is where I am often when I'm talking, although I'm learning to talk from somewhere else, I struggle with the words I want to say. And because, often, somebody – in conversation, just the way we often talk to each other, they then come back and then I have to respond to them. And blah-blah-blah. And I don't really get to what I want to say. But when it's just you and the page, the page doesn't say anything back to you. It just accepts whatever you put on to it. And I think, that way, you can work through a lot of your suffering or also your joy and capture it in a way that might get cut off in a conversation. Whether that's because of the other person or just because of your own brain going, "You haven't said that very well. Stop talking." [00:19:00] PP: Well, and I think it's important to point out. Like, to mothers, that might be the only conversation you have where nobody talks back to you that whole day. [00:19:09] BK: Absolutely. And any kind of life situation that feels lonely, I think words are amazing. And any life situation that feels overwhelming, because you've got too many people around all the time, it's also respite from that. It's just the easiest, cheapest, most wonderful tool I think that we have to use in so many ways. I think one thing that does happen though is people say I'm not a writer yet. I have to become a writer first. And to me, writing is literally just writing words on a page. It's taking what's in your head and heart and spilling it and just capturing your experience of being a human. Nobody before or since will have the exact experience as you. So don't be selfish. Share that with everybody. [inaudible 00:19:58]. [00:19:58] PP: Exactly. Yeah. Even if you feel like you don't need to share it with anyone, it changes you. And so, can we talk about that? How you've seen people change when they connect with themselves? Connect with their writing? What does that do for them? [00:20:13] BK: I think it changes the way that people see the world, and respond to the world and see their place in the world. I'm speaking very much from experience. But also, from what it's reported back to me from students. I think if you have been able to draw out the words that have been stuffed down, there's a liberation in that. Just as some people use breathwork for trauma release, for example, writing can be just as powerful as that. You're physically letting something out of your body. So you're not carrying it anymore. And people say that they're walking through the world much more lightly. And they're noticing things that they were totally closed off to before. They find themselves having conversations with new people because, suddenly, they realize that everybody is inspiration as well as everything else. And also, I think it can help you relate to other people better. Because you realize that just as there's things behind the mask for you, things below the surface, you start to notice that in other people too, which can lead to really amazing connection. [00:21:26] PP: Yeah. Throughout your book, you have some wonderful lessons. And I think it's important to note that it's not just about – it is about writing. But this is not a semantics of writing book. And one of my favorite chapters is the one on releasing. And I thought that was so amazing because you give us exercises. You give us ways to really go deep and release things through our writing. I thought that was really incredible. One of the statements that you have in there, and you have great little sayings in the margins, but you said, "Words heal. Apply liberally." [00:22:01] BK: Yeah. [00:22:02] PP: And tell me where that came from. Because I absolutely loved it. I'm like I need to make a sticker of that and put it on my wall. [00:22:10] BK: Oh, I love that idea. But like I always say to people, you are right that the world needs your medicine. But before you can start administering that medicine to anyone else, you have to administer it to yourself. And really, words are so healing. Of course, they can also be damaging if they're used in the wrong way. But in the sense that I'm talking about, which is just getting words out onto the page. And also, filling your life with words. Reading beautiful words from other people. Just the more you do it, the better you get. Like if you need medicine and you take it in the doses that you're supposed to take it in, you'll probably get better. It is just the same thing. [00:22:56] PP: But what I really want to know from you is tell us what it means to be a fearless writer. Because your book is called The Way of the Fearless Writer. And explain to us what a fearless writer is. [00:23:09] BK: For me, a fearless writer is just somebody who allows themselves without editing, or criticism, or any kind of barrier to spill what is in their heart and their head onto the page. That's where it all begins. That's how books get written. That's how hearts get healed. That's how things get figured out. It really is just that. The fearless part of it I think – well, I did a survey not long ago with more than a thousand writers in my community. And a hundred percent of them said that self-doubt got in the way of them writing what they want to write. I mean, I've never done a survey where 100% of people have said the same thing. And it was incredible. That's actually partly why I wanted to write the book. Because it's such a – we love to talk about the fear of writing as well. We love to talk about writer's block. We'd love to talk about how hard it is and all of this. And I really wanted to write a book which gave people tools that they could give themselves permission to not be afraid to write. Because sometimes that's all it is. [00:24:19] PP: That is the perfect way to wrap this up. Because you've given us a lot to think about. And your book has so many wonderful exercises. So many tips. We're going to tell our listeners how they can find it. We're going to let them download a free chapter of it. And I really appreciate you sitting down with us today and talking about this. [00:24:37] BK: Oh, it's such a joy. I'm so grateful for everything that writing has brought to my life. Just in the pages of my notebook at five o'clock in the morning with a candle and the early sunrise. And also, the doors that writing books have opened to new people and new opportunities. Things I never could have dreamed of. And it all begins with just writing words on a page, which anyone can do, right? [00:25:00] PP: That's great. Beth, thank you so much. [00:25:04] BK: Thank you so much. What a joy. [OUTRO] [00:25:10] PP: That was author, Beth Kempton, talking about how writing can help you connect with your feelings and your dreams. If you'd like to learn more about Beth and her books or her online writing courses, follow her on social media or download a free chapter of her latest book, The Way of the Fearless Writer, just visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
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5 Effective Stress Relief and Mindset Tools That Really Work!

In today’s fast-paced world, stress has become an all-too-common companion, leading to dire and significant consequences that impact our physical and mental well-being. If unchecked and unaddressed, prolonged stress can lead to many physical ailments such as a weakened immune system, cardiovascular conditions, diabetes, digestive problems, insomnia, and fatigue. It can also significantly compromise our mental emotional health, contributing to anxiety, irritability, mood swings, depression, overwhelm, difficulty concentrating, and an inability to make sound decisions. Unfortunately, in our modern world of hustle, it’s all too easy to fall into a lifestyle punctuated by chronic or constant stress. Now, more than ever before, it’s vital to find effective ways to relieve stress and cultivate a positive mindset in order to live a fulfilling and happy lifestyle. About a decade and a half ago, living in a chronically stressed state pushed me into obesity, depression, infertility, and burnout. It was the lowest point in my life, and quite frankly, I wasn’t sure if I’d survive it. The five mindset tools I want to share with you today helped me pull myself out of burnout, rebuild my life and create Power of Positivity by creating relief from the stress that I was putting on myself and begin thriving. If you’re feeling like you’re being buried under the burdens of your stress, give these simple strategies a try. 1. Deep Breathing Exercises: The Power of Breath Deep breathing exercises have been used for centuries to promote relaxation and reduce stress. When you’re stressed, your breathing becomes shallow and rapid. This signals your body to enter a stress state often referred to as “fight, flight, or flee.” In my book, The Comfort Zone: Create a Life You Really Love With Less Stress and More Flow, I talk in depth about how pushing yourself out of your comfort zone into your survival zone can push you into a stress response, where your physical and mental health become compromised and you become more susceptible to illness and burnout. By consciously practicing deep breathing, you activate the parasympathetic nervous system, thereby guiding yourself back into your comfort zone where you feel more safe. This counteracts the stress response, normalizes your heart rate, and returns clarity to your thinking. Scientifically, oxygenating your body with deep breaths has shown to reduce anxiety, promote calmness, and alleviate overthinking. Next time you’re in a stressful event, are about to enter a meeting, or even before bed, take a few deep breaths. Actually, do it now! Close your eyes and take three deep, deliberate breaths, filling up your lungs with as much air as you can, and then releasing slowly, making sure that your exhale is longer than your inhale. If you do this several times every day, you’ll start to rewire your brain, organs, and neural system for more calm, clarity, and health. 2. Auto Suggestions and Affirmations: Harnessing the Power of the Mind Your thoughts and beliefs have a profound impact on your emotions and behaviors. One of the easiest and most effective ways to rewire your mind for positivity is by incorporating positive auto suggestions and affirmations into your daily routine. Using these science-backed techniques completely transformed my life and I still use them to become the next level version of myself. You can do this by journaling your favorite affirmations in the morning. I do this every morning in my 3 Minute Happiness Journal. The key is to use the same affirmations and harness the power of repetition until you full embody them. You can write your affirmations or you can use them as auto suggestions by listening to the recordings of affirmations during the day or before bed and reading your affirmations throughout the day. One way that I’ll incorporate affirmations into my daily life is by recording myself reading my personal affirmations and then listening to this recording on my morning walks. I’ll also set reminder timers on my phone that will pop up throughout the day with my affirmations. Whenever this happens, I’ll take a moment to close my eyes and repeat the affirmation to myself a few times and feel the feeling of it’s truth. One powerful tool available to you is the Power of Positivity App affirmation texts by going here. 3. Go Outside: Nature’s Healing Touch It’s easy to underestimate the healing power of nature. Stepping outside, immersing yourself in sunshine, and breathing in the fresh air can have a transformative effect on your well-being. Not only does being in nature provide a break from the hustle and bustle of daily life, but it also allows you to ground yourself and find pockets of inner peace. One of my favorite things to do when I feel stressed is walk barefoot in the grass. I’m always amazed by how quickly the stress and negativity of the day drains out of me when I establish a direct connection with the earth. I also feel more energized. Physical activities outside of the house or out in nature are also very powerful. Next time you feel stressed, take a few moments and go out for a power walk or a bike ride. If possible, feel the earth under your bare feet and the sun or wind on your face. Allow the healing, grounding power of nature to reset, recharge, and boost your energy. 4. Supplements: Nurturing Your Body and Mind The right supplements can play a supportive role in managing stress and promoting health and happiness. However, it’s essential to consult with your healthcare professional such as a doctor or nutritionist before incorporating any new supplements into your routine. For me, supplements like magnesium, B vitamins, and those targeted at supporting adrenal and cortisol health have helped reduce stress level. Your specific supplemental needs may be different from mine. By nourishing your body with the right supplements, you can complement your stress relief efforts and support your body’s natural functions. 5. Journaling: Expressing and Releasing Dormant Emotions One of the favorite and most powerful tools that I use for self-reflection and emotional release is journaling. In her book Atlas of the Heart, researcher Brene Brown talks about the healing power of identifying, understanding, and expressing the emotions that lie dormant within you. As you give voice to what you’re feeling, the negative emotions you’re experiencing begin to release and you’re able to feel more positive emotions like relief, hope, calmness, and gratitude. Both morning and evening journaling are powerful ways to counter stress, release negativity, and foster a happier mindset. In the morning, journaling allows you to set intentions for your day, express gratitude, and release lingering concerns. In the evening, it helps you process your experiences, let go of negative emotions, and cultivate a sense of closure. This is why I have created two journals to help my audience harness the power of positivity and happiness within their own life by developing a daily journaling habit. In addition to these five practical and simple tools, there are numerous other practices that can help you reduce your stress and access a happier life. Some of my favorites are expressing gratitude, engaging in acts of service, reading personal development books, using lavender oil for relaxation, and spending quality time with my family and loved ones. What are some ways you release stress? Let me know in the comments below. Kristen Butler is a bestselling author and the CEO of Power of Positivity, a community with over 50 MM followers globally. Kristen was awarded SUCCESS magazine's Emerging Entrepreneur in 2022. She is a leader, writer, and visionary in personal development with a huge heart and captivating authenticity. Her mission is to uplift the planet!
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Transcript – Living With Intention With Dr. Greg Hammer

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Living With Intention With Dr. Greg Hammer [INTRODUCTION] [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 423 of Live Happy Now. By now we're all aware that the mind and body are connected. But how do we use that knowledge to create our best life? I'm your host, Paula Felps, and this week, I'm talking with Dr. Greg Hammer, a professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, physician, and a mindfulness expert, who developed the four-step gain method of mindfulness. As he explains in his book, Gain Without Pain, this is an acronym for gratitude, acceptance, intention, and non-judgment. He teaches this method to reduce stress and increase wellbeing. Today, he's going to talk about how you can create a more intentional and happier life. Let's welcome Dr. Greg Hammer. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:50] PF: I'm so excited to talk to you. You have a lot to tell us about the power of intention. But before we get to that, I want you to tell our listeners a little bit about yourself, because you've been so instrumental in showing us how our mental state affects our physical wellbeing. Explain to us how you became so attuned with that and why it's so important to you? [00:01:12] GH: I have been a lifelong fitness enthusiast in every sense of the word, mental, spiritual, physical. About 10 years ago, I joined a directive at Stanford called Well MD, that was convened in order to address the growing prevalence of burnout among physicians, which has only probably gotten worse since then. But in any case, I joined Well MD, and then I was asked to give a talk on burnout and wellness at a national meeting, and then another talk, another other talk, and then I had some sabbatical time, and I decided to write the book. The first book that I wrote. In the meantime, I've been – went to medical school because of my interest in in the human body and the miracle of how all the parts are interrelated, I found that I really had an affinity for people that work with children. They don't seem to take themselves quite as seriously as some of the people in adult medicine and that comported with my personality. So, I did a residency in pediatrics and loved Intensive Care Medicine. So, I did a residency in anesthesiology, and then fellowships in pediatric anesthesia and critical care. I've been working in both arenas, the pediatric intensive care unit and cardiac anesthesia for over 30 years. I have a research lab at Stanford where we study developmental pharmacology from babies up to adults. Again, my interest in in wellness has further intensified, I would say. I've been a student rather of Advaita, or non-duality for 12 years or so. That has certainly influenced my ways of thinking. So, everything I talk about with you, probably for the rest of this session is going to have something to do with all of that. [00:03:05] PF: Are you seeing more of that in the medical community where they're not just treating the body, but they are looking at things like mindfulness. You're huge on mindfulness and you're a trailblazer in that way, because I know in my own life, just having a physician that sees things that way, has been a challenge. Do you see that changing? [00:03:24] GH: I do. I think that just like our medical system as a whole has really focused on disease more than preventing disease. That ship is kind of slow to turn, as we put more resources into preventive medicine now, which is absolutely requisite if we want to be a well society. Similarly, I think that physicians and others in medicine have focused on disease and finding, taking sort of a reductionist approach to health, I would say, trying to break things down into their component parts and figure out how to cure things. I think, that colors the profession as a whole, and what we need to do is really move much toward prevention in our own wellness, because unless we are, well, it's going to be difficult to take care of others. It's sort of the put your oxygen mask on first. Your own oxygen mask before you take care of the child or someone who's acting like a child sitting next to you on the aircraft. Yes, I think things are changing. But the culture is very well entrenched, and it is a big ship and slow to turn. But I do think things are changing in medicine for the better. [00:04:43] PF: That's good to hear. And you are so pivotal in this and you teach us so much about what it does to have the right mindset, and what I want to talk to you about today is intentional living. Let's start by making sure we're all on the same page. Tell us what you mean when you say intentional living. [00:05:03] GH: We can start by just acknowledging that our brains have become hardwired over tens of thousands of years of evolution, in ways that are no longer adaptive, or we might say they're maladaptive. For example, we all have a negativity bias. We tend to focus on the negative and forget about the positive. We get out of bed in the morning, and maybe we have an ache or a pain. Our back is stiff. So, we focus on that and we just initiate the day with a cascade of thoughts about woe is me, this and that, instead of focusing on the miracle of the human body, that we even woke up and could get out of bed at all, and all the good things about our physical state. So, we have a negativity bias. The other thing is, the way our brains have become wired is we're very distracted with the past and the future. So, we have a hard time being present, which is where happiness lives. It's adaptive to some extent to dwell in the past. We want to learn from our mistakes. We want to savor our good memories. But beyond that, we overthink the past and with our negativity bias, we end up with a lot of shame and regret, low self-esteem and depression. Likewise, we overthink the future, in ways that are maladaptive and we catastrophize with our negativity bias and think of the worst thing that could happen. We generate a lot of fear and anxiety. So, if we're not intentional, if we don't have a plan, then we're going to simply lapse into our default modes of thinking, and that is negative and other than present. If we want to be more positive, and really focus on all the miraculous things that are happening around us all the time, including inside us, and we want to be more present, and therefore happy. We need to have a plan. We need to be purposeful. That's really where intention is a requisite component of happiness. [00:07:03] PF: So, when you set an intention, what do you mean, how do you go about doing that? [00:07:10] GH: Sure. Well, I can just briefly tell you about the gain method, the gain meditation. So, we get up in the morning, we open the blinds, we do our morning hygiene. We find a comfortable place to sit. We close our eyes, hopefully in a quiet place, and we focus on our breath. We slow it down. So, our first intention, actually, with regard to this gain process begins the night before, because we acknowledge we're going to do this gain meditation in the morning. It may take as little as three minutes, we're going to set our alarm three minutes earlier than we otherwise would. So, who's going to miss that three minutes? Or we can go to bed three minutes earlier. Instead of getting up at seven o'clock, we're going to get up at 6:57. We're setting our intention for this whole process the night before. Then, we were sitting quietly, we focus on the breath, we slow down the inhalation, pause and take a nice slow exhalation without any effort. By slowing our breathing down, we activate our parasympathetic nervous system. We slow our heart rate, lower our blood pressure, our blood sugar, and then we begin contemplation of that for which we're grateful. We all have much for which should be grateful, so we spent 45 seconds or so just focusing on our friends, our family, our loved ones, our relative health, even if it's not perfect. It's miraculous that we're as healthy as we are, and all the other things for which we're grateful. Then, we transition to acceptance, we need to acknowledge that there is pain in life, and pain, and joy are kind of hand in hand. So, we may take something uncomfortable or painful, and actually, imagine bringing it into our bodies, opening our chest, opening our heart, bringing this experience into our heart, and nurturing it, enveloping it with our heart. We find that it's not so bad and we can live with it. Then, we transition to intention, which is where your question originated and we start by having the intention of noticing what's happening in this moment. So, we may just, for example, have the intention of noticing the pressure of the chair against our body, noticing the tingling on the soles of our feet, noticing the sounds that we're hearing as we breathe deeply and slowly. So, for me, I have a meditation room in my home on Stanford campus. I'm sort of halfway between San Francisco and San Jose airports. I often hear a plane going by in the distance – [00:09:40] PF: It becomes part of the meditation, right? [00:09:44] GH: It does. It's the part of the intention portion of the gain meditation because I'm setting my intention as you put it with what's happening right now. So, I'm just spending 10 or 15 seconds noticing my bodily sensations, noticing my perceptions, what I feel, what I hear, what I may smell, just the slight sweetness of the air, I'm breathing. So, we spend 10 or 15 seconds being present in this way, really noticing what's happening in this moment. Then, we go to our intention of generally looking at the positive side of things, rather than the negative. So, what we're doing is we're actually rewiring our brains, because as we focus on our gratitude, acceptance, intention, and then non-judgment in life, we're actually rewiring our brains toward a more positive and present way of thinking and experiencing, and therefore being more happy. [00:10:48] PF: How long does that rewiring take? Because I know that over time, it does completely start changing the way you look at the world when you get up. The ache and pain that you have, you see it differently. But how long does that take for us to start doing? When do we start seeing results? [00:11:06] GH: As in life, life is a journey. Really, there's no destination. So, I think we can notice a change in our thought processes very soon, like after days, or a couple of weeks. What happens is, when we, for example, do this gain, practice, we set our intention the night before. We sit, we breathe, we go through our gratitude, acceptance, intention, non-judgement. We return to the breath. We slowly open our eyes. We go out in the world. What happens is, even after a short period of time, in days, maybe a couple of weeks, we noticed that when we're being ungrateful, or resisting, or unintentional, lapsing into our negativity bias, or we're judging. What happens is a light bulb goes off. We just did our gain practice and we notice when we're being ungrateful, we're sort of whining and complaining. Then, we remind ourselves, “Oh, these are first world problems”, as my daughter would say. These are not deal breakers. These are really pretty much small stuff, things. That light bulb moment actually brings us a bit of a smile, and then we simply redirect our thoughts back to gratitude, acceptance, intention and non-judgment. We do our gain meditation. We go to work, maybe we drive to work, and there's a driver that is in the lane to the right of us, and he or she changes lanes into our lane, without using the turn signal ahead of us. We start to make all these judgments about the driver, and then a light bulb goes off, and we realize, I just did my gain meditation. I dropped the judgment. I realized that things don't have to be good or bad. So, I have some imagery associated with this. A light bulb goes off, and I smile, and I drop the judgment of that driver, and it actually feels good. I get a little dopamine hit. Instead of getting negative about it, and getting angry, I actually have a smile and a little positive reaction. That light bulb moment where we notice our thoughts and experiences, and we can redirect them. That happens actually just really after a short period of time. [00:13:24] PF: Yes, and I've noticed, when you start living that way, when you start thinking that way, you do offer people more grace, in situations that come up, some of the things that all have popped into my head unexpectedly and automatically, it's like, “Well, you know what, I've done the same thing.” I start seeing less judgment toward them and more like, “Okay, how many times have I done that?” That's just karma saying, “Hey, remember that time you cut someone off in traffic.” It does, it just starts changing the way you receive the experiences. [00:13:54] GH: Absolutely. So, just drill a little bit deeper into that judgment process, in the gain meditation, when we do our non-judgement contemplation, I often personally, I do this, and I recommend that others do it. Just picture an image of the Earth, one of these beautiful NASA images where the earth is apparently suspended in space. It's a beautiful planet. It's neither good nor bad. It's just a planet. So, we kind of pronounced to ourselves as we breathe slowly and deeply, and we picture this image of the earth. The earth is just a planet. It's neither good nor bad. It's just the planet that it is. Therefore, it's only rational for me to look at myself the same way. I'm just a human being. I'm neither good nor bad. I simply am the human being that I am. Then, we may repeat I am and link that with our breath. Then, we slowly open our eyes. Again, what happens is, when we find ourselves judging, like that driver, we just discussed, or ourselves, when we find that we're judging ourselves, since we're our own harshest critic, we may notice that what we're doing is judging, and we also notice the fact that we're judging ourselves with this negativity bias. So, we can have that light bulb moment and just drop the judgment and go back to, “I'm just the human being that I am, I'm neither good nor bad.” We learn that we don't have to cast a hue over the world and see things through this veil of negativity. We can look at things just exactly as they are, without judging them to be good or bad. They just are what they are. I think that's such an important change in our thought process. [00:15:43] PF: It's huge. I want to dig into that a little bit more, because as we've talked about, we do judge ourselves so harshly. Some people – I see people who just beat themselves up over and over. How do we – before we start judging ourselves, how do we start setting our brain up to not do that? How do we get very specific and break that judgment, self-judgment habit? [00:16:08] GH: I think, when you talk about intention, we need to have a plan, and that really translate into having a practice, right? We need to have a practice that preferably is daily, because our brains are very hard wired. Again, they became this way over tens of thousands of years, and we're not going to change them overnight. So, we have to have a baby step process, preferably a daily plan, where we begin to rewire our brains. That happens only through intention. If we're not purposeful, we just lapse into this negativity, and this very judgmental way of being. Again, when we have this practice, and we find that we're judging ourselves, we're down on ourselves, we're getting depressed, we can have that light bulb moment and recognize that this is just the way our brains work. This is not something unique to us that we think this way, in this negative way. This is the way we all think. I think that's the first lesson is that this isn't our dirty little secret. We're not the only one that has these thoughts. We all have these thoughts. I was listening to a wonderful show on NPR called The Hidden Brain, and the host had somebody on who's an expert in the imposter syndrome. The message was that we all feel this way. We all feel like imposters no matter how accomplished we are. This is again that negative voice speaking to us. So, we need to have a plan to change the way we think. When we're having these very negative thoughts about ourselves, I like the cognitive behavioral approach of we're criticizing ourselves for a particular thing or things. Imagine we're talking to a good friend, who's got the same voice, who's criticizing themselves for these things, something they did or said or didn't do, would we be judging them harshly? No, we would probably be reassuring them, and not judging them. Just reassuring them that they're just a human being. We're all mortal, we're all fallible, we're not perfect. Don't be so hard on yourself. So, use that same voice with yourself when you're getting into this very negative way of thinking and judging. [00:18:24] PF: Over time, it becomes easier to do that. You start recognizing it faster. You correct the behavior sooner, and you just don't go as deep into that judgment. Is that correct? [00:18:34] GH: Oh, absolutely. One of my heroes in life is Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn who's really been a leader in mindfulness. He defines mindfulness as awareness of the present moment, on purpose, non-judgmentally. So, there are some of the gain elements. On purpose, we talked about intention. You need to have that purposefulness to have a plan to rewire our brain, because we have this wonderful quality called neuroplasticity. But we have to have a plan. So, awareness of the present moment, which is where happiness lives, on purpose, with intention, non-judgmentally, and we touched on the importance of being nonjudgmental, especially toward ourselves. [00:19:24] PF: That gives us greater happiness. It gives us greater mental and emotional wellbeing. Talk about what it's doing for us physically. Because you've, you've been so great at bringing those two things together. [00:19:36] GH: Sure. Well, we're all feeling kind of burnt out. I think that COVID amplified the stress that we all experience, which is just part of life. Burnout is simply the mental and physical exhaustion that we experience related to chronic stress. Chronic stress is a condition where we have an increase in the adrenaline or epinephrine in our bodies, increases our heart rate, our blood pressure. We have an increase in cortisol, which is a hormone that also increases our blood pressure, increases our blood sugar, predisposes to diabetes and other adverse health conditions. Stress has a number of effect physical effects on our body. It actually shortens these little protective caps we have at the tips of our chromosomes, which I likened to the little plastic protective tips at the end of our shoelaces that keep the ends of our shoelaces from becoming frayed. As we age, we have a shortening of these telomeres and that's been associated with a degradation in the function of our cells, and the aging process. That is accelerated when we're stressed. So, chronic stress actually induces changes akin to aging. There are so many physiologic effects of stress on our bodies, just about on every organ, and tissue, and cell in our body. Really, stress, ages us. So, the question is, how do we change that? That's really what we're talking about with this gain method, with a practice of non-judgment, with a practice of mindfulness meditation. These are ways of increasing our personal resilience and decreasing the amount of stress that we experience. Lowering our heart rate, our blood pressure, our cortisol, our blood sugar, reversing this process of our telomere shortening, our cells degrading, our genetics, our epigenetics degrading. So, it's so important that we recognize that we have this chronic stress, and what the effects are, and that we really make priority number one in our lives actually addressing this. [00:21:58] PF: Yes, because I've seen people being a lot less healthy since the pandemic, and of all ages. We have some fairly young friends, they’re in their early 30s, who are talking about these health problems they've started having since the pandemic. Is that an effect of the stress? Or is it because we got so unhealthy sitting around during the pandemic? What has created this? Because I'm seeing it everywhere from, like I said, early 30s, up into their 60s and 70s. [00:22:29] GH: I would say all of the above. What happens is, the three legs that form the tripod supporting our physical wellbeing, which then supports our mental and spiritual wellbeing, our sleep, exercise, and nutrition. What are the effects of stress on our sleep, exercise, and nutrition? Well, briefly, stress causes a degradation in the quality and quantity of our sleep. So, when we're stressed, we don't sleep as well. Of course, we all have experienced this. We wake up early in the morning and our minds are racing with all kinds of lists of things we have to do and anxieties and stresses. So, stress degrades our sleep, makes us fatigued. When we're fatigued, we tend to be too tired to exercise. Our exercise regimen goes downhill and we saw this in COVID, where gyms were closed, and people spent a lot more time indoors, not only depriving themselves of the magic of nature, but also not exercising very much. They're fatigued. We're not exercising. Our diet actually degrades as well. We're tired, so we reach for these sugary and fatty, so-called comfort foods, to give us a boost of energy. Of course, then we crash, and these foods are not healthy. So, our sleep, exercise and nutrition are very interrelated. When we're stressed, they all are degraded. Of course, the sleep exercise and nutrition habits and practice that we have are so integral to our health overall, when we're not sleeping well, we're not exercising, we're not eating well. Of course, we're more predisposed to hypertension, diabetes. Again, the effects of stress are magnified when we're fatigued, not exercising, and not eating well. This is all like a self-propagating loop that is causing us to spiral in a downward direction. [00:24:28] PF: It's difficult to tell someone who's going through that, that doing some meditation, or setting intentions is going to actually turn that around. [00:24:39] GH: You might advise your listeners, well, if you're tired and feel out of shape, and you're depressed, focus on the basics of sleep, exercise, and nutrition. Just for example, address your sleep hygiene. There's several things, we all know what to do, but we don't do them, typically. But we really want to improve our sleep. So, instead of perhaps recommending something abstract, like setting intentions, you can say something specific, like, let's address our sleep. Focus on your sleep hygiene and start to sleep better. What you're really advising when you ask someone to really focus on their sleep and sleep hygiene, is you're asking them to set their intention, right? That is an intention. It's improving your health by improving your sleep. That's a very tangible, easy to understand concrete bit of advice that does involve intentions. [00:25:41] PF: Well, Greg, thank you so much for taking this time with me. You're so insightful. A lot we can learn from you. As I said, we're going to tell them how they can learn more about you and your books. I just appreciate you taking time with me today. [00:25:54] GH: Well, likewise, it's been really a pleasure having a conversation with you. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:26:03] PF: That was Dr. Greg Hammer, talking about how to live with intention. If you'd like to learn more about Greg and his book, Gain Without Pain, or follow him on social media, just visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. That is all we have time for today. We'll meet you back here again next week for an all new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
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Can Your Garden Boost Your Mental Health?

Kayla Butts already had her master’s degree in nutrition when she got her true education in food. When she met her future husband, a small-scale farmer who used heritage methods to grow food without any chemicals, she discovered food does so much more for us than the textbooks were teaching: “He really shook the foundation of my beliefs in our food system and nutrition,” she says. “And I’ve since then become so excited and made it my mission to help people understand that you can grow your own food and it has endless possibilities and benefits for your health and well-being.” She shares that mission in her new book, Garden to Table Cookbook: A Guide to Growing, Preserving, and Cooking What You Eat. More than just a cookbook, it’s also a primer on how food affects us, the benefits of gardening, and how to start — regardless of how big or small your space is. In addition to outlining the benefits of growing your own food and giving more than 100 recipes on how to prepare it, she provides easy-to-follow information on how to freeze, dry, and can your own food. And it’s all presented in a beautifully illustrated coffee table-worthy book. More Than Just a Meal Although she explains the way food affects our physical health, Kayla is passionate about letting people know the benefits of growing your own food go far beyond that. “Something we don’t really talk about a lot is that gardening itself is a huge mood booster,” she says. “And science backs this up.” For starters, she explains, spending time outside is helpful in offsetting anxiety and depression: “We think that’s because we’re more focused externally than we are internally. We’re not ruminating on those little negative thoughts that can just take over; that’s hard to do that when you are appreciating nature.” Research has shown that gardening lowers stress and worry by keeping us in the present moment. Gardening can provide us with a sense of worth and purpose, which plays a key role in our self-esteem, and can help us connect with our “quiet mind.” Being outside also delivers a hit of vitamin D — which is proven to boost moods and immune systems — and digging in the dirt provides a beneficial physical connection with the earth. “You’re actually getting electrons from the soil. You absorb these electrons into your body, and then they act as antioxidants and neutralize disease-promoting compounds that are circulating in your body, like free radicals,” Kayla says. Creating connections The practice of earthing or grounding — which is simply connecting with the earth by standing, sitting, or putting your hands on it — has been found to improve not only your mental clarity, but also can help with sleep problems. It can ease pain and nurture relaxation. In addition to the connection with the earth, Kayla has found that it has created human connections, too: “Once I started gardening, I realized I was connected to a much larger community,” she says. “If you ever want a ton of unsolicited advice, join a gardening club because everybody loves to share their experiences, but it’s so wonderful.” Through gardening, she says she has connected with people from around the world as well as being able to share food with neighbors. “If there’s somebody that you’ve wanted to connect with but didn't know how, it’s a great conversation starter. Just to be able to share that with someone else is so meaningful.” Where to start The good news is, you don’t need a lot of space to start enjoying the benefits of growing your own food. For those who are tight on space, Kayla suggests starting with some potted plants in your kitchen window. Herbs are great for this, or you can plant edible flowers that will also add vibrant color to your kitchen. If you’re ready to go bigger, she says to find a small sunny spot in your yard and start planting. “Seeds are so inexpensive, you don’t have to invest a ton of money into plants if you don’t want to,” she says. And she also encourages people to find a local farm that grows plants and animals without chemicals to broaden the scope of fresh, chemical-free food you have access to. “Create these relationships with community farmers. You’ll be supporting them, and they’ll be supporting your family and your health,” she says. “It’s a great relationship to develop between two like-minded individuals for sure. And it’s nice to just get to know people, too.”
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Transcript – Using Travel to Boost Well-Being With Dr. Andrew Stevenson

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Using Travel to Boost Well-Being With Dr. Andrew Stevenson [INTRODUCTION] [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 419 of Live Happy Now. With Memorial Day behind us, our thoughts are turning to summer vacations. We know they're fun. But do you know how good they are for us? I'm your host, Paula Felps, and this week, I'm talking with Andrew Stevenson, a social anthropologist, filmmaker, and senior lecturer in psychology at the Manchester Metropolitan University. Andrew’ s new book, The Psychology of Travel, looks at what travel can do for us, and he's here today to talk about how we can approach it differently to get the most out of it. Let's have a listen. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:38] PF: Andrew, thank you for joining me on Live Happy Now. [00:00:41] AS: Thank you so much for having me. It's a pleasure to be here, and hopefully we can have a good conversation about travel and health. [00:00:48] PF: Yes. Oh, it's such a wonderful – first of all, it's timely, because audience doesn't know until right now, that on the day we're talking, it's the day your book is being published. It's a very great day for you. [00:01:02] AS: It's a good day. This is a project which really came out of the pandemic, I supposed, when we had the lockdown imposed upon us and there was no opportunity to travel. I was thinking about travel a lot over about a year or 18 months and decided to put some of my interests in psychology alongside my interest in travel. I was quite surprised how many different directions – [00:01:25] PF: I do want to dive into that answer just a little bit. What made you decide to look at it through the lens of psychology? Can you tell us a little bit about your background and why that was the natural path for you to go down? [00:01:35] AS: Yes. Well, I, in my day job, I'm the professor in psychology or lecturer in psychology at Manchester Metropolitan University, here in Manchester. My specialist subject in psychology is culture and space and place and I'm really interested in the way that places affect the way that we feel and think and act. Of course, that's never more relevant than when we're actually experiencing new places. Travel is – I mean, somebody said that travel is the best bits of our lives, isn't it? It's the bits that we tend to remember. Of course, not being able to do it for a couple of years, you brought this into sharp focus. I was missing it. I wanted to think about it and use some of the psychological concepts that I had worked with every day. [00:02:25] PF: Yes. You've delved into it so well, in your book. I was curious how you go about studying this. We have a lot of travel books. We have a lot of different ways to look at travel. How do you actually study the psychology of travel and how that affects us? [00:02:42] AS: That’s interesting. I think, it was combination of bringing together some of the areas that I personally have researched. Some things I’m interested in include things like, migration and movement, and the way that movement across borders affects our perceptions of people, that kind of thing. I’m also interested in social psychology and the way in which people behave differently in groups. Of course, when we travel, we're thrust into all sorts of groups, people we don't know, surrounded by people. As well as some of my own personal interests. I also was aware that quite a lot of people have written about things like fear of travel, wellbeing and travel, mindfulness, and travel memory, and those types of things. I decided, I also was aware that there isn't really a book about the psychology of travel, even though there are lots of academic interests and academic articles, which are quite inaccessible for most people. So, I thought, well, my job here is to just take some of the most interesting articles and topics that I've looked at travel from a psychological point of view, and put them into a coherent collection that we can all enjoy. I tend to write in a slightly more accessible way than some of the articles I've been reading. That's not a criticism. It's just the way that things are, I think. [00:04:04] PF: Yes. I think that is important to know, because when you hear about the psychology of travel, it sounds heavy. But it's really not. As you said, it's a very accessible read, and very engaging. [00:04:16] AS: I think, travel is something that we all enjoy doing. Psychology is really just about people and how they behave and think differently. Bring those two things together, you're bound to get some interesting things. [00:04:28] PF: Yes, and one of the things that you talk about, you say it's virtually impossible to travel alone. Can you explain that and then talk about how other people affect our travel experiences in the way that we see travel? [00:04:41] AS: Yes. It's something that dawned on me really, is people often say, I'm going traveling alone.” But of course, I defy anyone, really, to genuinely travel alone. Because whenever we move from one place to another, whether it's on foot or across the city or by air, we're surrounded by people, and we're surrounded by people, most of which we don't know. We may travel without our own family. But our decisions, even if it's down to things like which restaurant shall I go to? Which beach shall I go to? Whose are these footprints? We can even be influenced by people who aren't even there anymore. But the idea of a crowd will affect our destructive decisions. We may visit, for example, a monument or a gallery, because other people are doing it. We may be tempted to stay in that hotel because TripAdvisor says, “You've got lots of good reviews, and those people are affecting us.” If on the other hand, you'll be anti-social like me, you might be more likely to go to a place where it’s practically empty because you quite like to get away from the crowds. But these are both – whatever direction you're interested in, whether you want to do things that are conforming, or whether you want to be a rebel, you're doing it in relation to what other people have either done or not. [00:06:07] PF: Then, I know from my experience, you can make incredible friends and strike lasting friendships with people that you meet while traveling. I've got people that I met 20 years ago, and we've stayed in touch and it was one encounter. We haven't seen each other since then. But we have stayed in touch. How does that shape our lives too? We're getting all these experience with people from other cultures and other walks of life? [00:06:32] AS: Yes, it's fascinating. There are so many different ways to answer that question. I mean, first of all, there's the social aspect of traveling with somebody we already know, and having been on a journey with somebody who you may have known a bit before you went traveling together, that can really draw you together. Because what you're doing there is you're experiencing, not everyday life. You're experiencing a particularly intense part of your life, but the best bits of your life. You're traveling with somebody and two weeks with somebody who was a friend before or an acquaintance before, then you really become a lot more friendly with within those two weeks. You get to know about all their characteristics and so on. That can really propel a friendship forward into the future. There's that aspect. How it affects the friendships we already have with the acquaintances. But the other thing is as well, how does traveling to a different country, for example, affect your attitude towards the people who already live there. There's that whole thing about hosts and visitors, isn’t it? It's a bit – it could go either way, and a lot of researchers found that when you interact with cultures who you may not have met before, the most meaningful way of doing that, and the way that produces the best relationships is the way you interact with people on an equal footing, that can often mean meeting people socially. So, if you go to Mexico, for example, and you meet people who are from Mexico, and you meet them as colleagues, or you meet them as equals, then your attitudes towards that entire group of people is likely to be a lot more positive than if you only ever meet people who are for example, serving you coffee, or cleaning up after you. To me, so there's that status issue. But there's also, there's no doubt. But just being around people from different cultural groups, means that you've got much more firsthand experience of people that you may otherwise only read about in the press. We all know that that can lead to some kind of prejudice. [00:08:48] PF: It also, for myself, it has created such a deep appreciation for the life that I lead, and where I have so much gratitude. We'd spent some time in Canada up with the indigenous people a by the polar bears. We were there to see polar bears, and it's an indigenous culture up there, and seeing how they live and how challenging their lives are, what they have to go through to get food, to get water, things like that. It just instilled in me such an incredible appreciation for the simple things of being able to walk to a tap and turn it on and get a glass of water. [00:09:23] AS: In the whole – I identify without a lot because the whole idea of appreciating cultural diversity and realizing that the way that we live in our bubbles in our day to day existence is just one way of living, isn't it? In a way, the ideal of travel is to highlight the commonalities that we have with other people that we may not have met, before but also to appreciate distinct challenges that they may also face. I do a research project in Central America and we have collaborators in Guatemala City and we do a lot of work with young people there. One of the things that we're looking at is the concept of resilience and how people overcome challenges that they face in their everyday lives. It's never anything other than surprised and impressed by the way that people cope with things that often we don't cope that well here. The traffic in Guatemala City, is to me who live in Manchester, in England is incredible. But I would say the level of stress that the traffic causes is much lower. People just accept it as part of the everyday life. Here in Manchester, where I live, often the level of what we call road rage is quite a lot higher. The differences, the way that we cope with – the way that people cope with everyday challenges, we can understand that a lot better through travel, I think, and learning about different cultural groups. [00:10:56] PF: That is so true. Obviously, not everybody loves to travel. Some people, you mentioned it, they have fear of travel. There's travel anxiety. Where does that come from? How does leaving our comfort zone help us manage that? [00:11:10] AS: Yes, that's interesting. I mean, we talk about travel anxiety. Psychologists talked about travel fever, travel, fear, travel, anxiety, worry about travel. Think about that, they're all challenges, but some of those challenges are actually quite useful. If we take something like travel worry, it's actually quite a good idea to be slightly worried about traveling because that can heighten your defenses, and it can help plan the journey a little bit more thoroughly. It's not a bad thing to be a little bit concerned and worried so that I can help you plan. The challenge that's a bit more difficult to explain is what you might call travel phobia, where sometimes people have a – they might have an irrational fear of something like flying. In fact, statistics suggest that the chances of coming to harm in an airplane are a lot less than they would be just crossing the road or riding on a bus, for example. But some psychologists have pointed out that when you take a flight to another country, you're not just participating and potentially worrying for transport. You're actually leaving all your familiar objects and people and land. And it's that almost that fear of losing contact with things that you're attached to. So, it's almost like an attachment anxiety. Sometimes that can be one of the reasons for something like fear of flying, because the statistics don't bear out the amount of irrational fear that sometimes people have with flying. But the other thing, of course, is about anxiety and travel, is that there's this concept that we call eco anxiety. Now, I know that many people think about global warming, and the climate crisis a lot. During the pandemic, one of the perhaps, one good thing that came out of that is that – I don't know what it was like where you were living, but where we were living, we were able to take an hour of exercise every day, and we were able to go for our walks in the local community. Through that, many of us discovered green spaces and little treasure troves of green spaces that we didn't know about before. Those types of things could really help us with our mental health a little bit. It also helps us to understand that we can experience some very precious travel moments without flying across the globe. I think people are – well, figures suggest that eco anxiety is this genuine, understandable anxiety about the state of the planet. People are starting to modify their travel a little bit more now and maybe take fewer long-haul flights. Or maybe when you do take a long flight, stay in the place you're going for a little bit longer, rather than making four or five shorter journeys. I don't know about you. But the pandemic opened my eyes a little bit to the beauties in my own country. [00:14:29] PF: Absolutely. [00:14:31] AS: I'm not going to give up flying, but I'm maybe starting to think a little bit more that there were some great things to see that are on my doorstep as well. [00:14:39] PF: Yes. We had that shift in mindset of where before we take another big international trip, let's really start looking around the US because there's amazing things here that we haven't discovered yet and we've constantly said, “Oh, we want to go there, we want to go to Big Ben. We want to check out Red Rocks.” We want to do these things and we haven't so it's like, when we start getting that travel it, instead of saying, “Hey, let's jump on a plane and hop across a pond.” Let's discover what's in our backyard, because it's a big backyard. [00:15:10] AS: That's true. Quite often, quite often that the most wow moments or the great travel moments often called through some of the more mundane things that we see in our everyday lives and mindful to everyday experiences. Mindfulness is something we are encouraged to practice in our everyday lives, isn't it? The idea is that you try to appreciate the world in a constant childlike state of wonder and you can enjoy the simplest pleasures like a cup of coffee, or a walk, or stroking a stray cat and those types of things can be appreciated, not necessarily only on the other side of the world. It's about recognizing that travel, enjoyment, and pleasure, aren't exclusively on a set list of destinations that we’re told to do. [00:16:07] PF: Right. Yes, I think it can probably open your eyes to your everyday world a little bit more, and the things that, as you're talking, just the things that you can appreciate that are around you every day. [00:16:19] AS: Yes. That's right. I mean, one of the key things about mindfulness is being able to appreciate your surroundings but without making too quick of judgment about whether it's good or bad. Sometimes when we suspend judgment, we give ourselves the time to enjoy whatever it is we're doing a little bit more with taking a breath or savoring the moment a little bit. In the era of five-star reviews, and TripAdvisor, there's often a quickness to try to say yes, this is five stars, this is two stars. It might be a better idea just to be with that travel moment a little bit more, and not be in such a quick rush to keep it a certain number of stars. Because sometimes we don't realize how satisfying an experience is until we've spent a little bit more time doing it. [00:17:11] PF: Another thing that I've noticed with myself, you mentioned savoring, and I've noticed that oftentimes, when I get home, I enjoy that trip experience more than I did in the moment. I wanted to know what that's about, because there's been so many times like, especially on a long trip, by the end of it, you're like, “Okay, this is great, but I'm ready to go home.” When you do get home and you really have time to sit with it, I don't know, I just feel like I appreciate it so much more after the fact even than I do when it's happening. [00:17:41] AS: Yes, that's interesting. It relates to the idea of wellbeing and travel. I suppose one of the reasons we're talking today is just to think about whether travel makes us happy or not and it's something I've discussed in the book is the relationship between happiness and travel. Psychologists have come up with this idea of different types of happiness. One of them sometimes known as hedonistic enjoyment, hedonistic travel, which is all about pure, physical joy in the moment. We often get this experience through, I don't know, skiing down the mountain, or windsurfing, or something like that. Then the other type of enjoyment is sometimes are viewed eudaimonic happiness or wellbeing. That's the kind of wellbeing that accrues through something like developing a skill, learning a language, understanding a culture, and it's a little bit more of a marathon rather than a sprint of your life. I think that what you're referring to there is the way that the skill, let's just say, of learning a language when you visit a place or learning a little bit about a local artist that can visit Mexico City and learn about Frida Kahlo, a fascinating historical figure. Those types of eudaimonic enjoyment, are often the ones which research suggests stay with you longer after the visit. Whereas if you visit a place and you purely want to live in, maybe just live in the fast lane and purely want to have hedonistic enjoyment, that's great while it's happening. But there may be a bit of a holiday hangover when you get back and the enjoyment may not be such so long lasting and memorable. To be honest, I think, the secret really to a good visit is to try to do a little bit of both of those, so that you can have, let's just say there's a cliché, travel can broaden the mind. That would be the longer lasting enjoyment, but you might want to party a little bit as well, but I think it's being able to combine those. [00:19:54] PF: I was having a conversation with a friend a few days ago and she was talking about how her in laws always go back to the same place. They do not want to travel to other places. They find things that they like, and then they just go to that over and over. She, of course, wants to try something new every time. Does that affect us differently? Or is it just a personality type? What makes us tick that way? [00:20:18] AS: Well, that is interesting, and again, you're going to have those people who are quite habitual, and who get a lot of enjoyment through developing routines. I think there are other people who struggle with sameness, and struggle with repetition. I think, there are good and bad aspects to both of those in terms of the experience of travel, because I think there's a lot of value personally in immersing yourself a little bit in the place, and trying to find a little bit about how it ticks. If I visit a city, for example, let's just take, I don't know, Los Angeles, or Mexico City or something. If I'm there for a week or so, there's an awful lot going on there a place like that and I would be reluctant to spend a day there and then jet off to New York to see what that's like for a day, and they jet off to Washington to see what that's like for a day. Because the richness of experience that is available in any city or town or county or whatever it is or region is really inexhaustible, I think. So, it's not so much about having routines. It's about having the commitment to explore in a little bit more depth and have that mindful approach. I mean, I think the reason for this, we always talk about bucket lists, don't we? People talk about a list of things I'd like to do before we go away. I often think – or while we're away, as you say. I often think that the itineraries that we make for ourselves or develop for ourselves when we travel, sometimes there are things that are coming from our own interests. But sometimes we follow an itinerary, which is almost been presented to us, and I think we often fall victim to this travel guide. We become slaves to the travel guide. [00:22:22] PF: Absolutely, yes. [00:22:23] AS: We can often have the experience of taking the same photograph that everybody else is taking, and that kind of thing. I think there are people who are quite happy to just take the commodified view of travel and take the photograph. There might be a queue of people taking the same photograph. Well, the people are more likely to try to be a bit more immersive and find out a bit more about what's going on in an everyday sense about a place that they visit. [00:22:52] PF: Yes. We're running this as summer is kicking off, and people are starting to think about travel. Well, it is based on the book, everything that you’re studying, what's your recommendation for travelers to keep in mind this season? [00:23:07] AS: Well, I think, first of all, we need to think about who you're going to travel with, and think about what social situation you want to put yourself in. But I think my number one piece of thing to think about, really, is when you travel, are you thinking of yourself as a traveler, or as a tourist? I've got a nice little quote here from the novelist Paul Bowles, who wrote The Sheltering Sky. It’s all about difference between travel and tourism. And he says, “The difference between a traveler and a tourist is, whereas the tourists generally always back home at the end of a few weeks or months, the traveler belongs no more to one place than the other, moves slowly over a period of years from one part of the earth to another.” For me, the traveler is somebody who's following their own dream about discovering something about themselves, trying to be mindful, and developing their own relationship with cultural diversity and finding something interesting about themselves. The tourists may be experiencing hedonistic travel. Maybe they're having the same holiday that everybody else is having as well. I think you've got to decide which of those you want to be really. It's not that one's better than the other, but they aren't quite distinct. [00:24:27] PF: That is so interesting. Andrew, you've given us so much to think about. I love this conversation. We're going to tell people how to discover your book because it's such an important and accessible read and thank you for writing. [00:24:38] AS: But also, to say, it’s not a big book, either. [00:24:40] PF: I know. It goes quick. It's a very slim volume. You can read it on a plane. [00:24:46] AS: Exactly. [00:24:47] PF: Andrew, thank you again. I appreciate your time today. [00:24:50] AS: Thanks for having me on Paula. Have a great summer. [00:24:53] PF: You too. [END OF INTERVIEW] [00:24:58] PF: That was Andrew Stephenson talking about why travel is so good for us. If you'd like to learn more about Andrew, follow him on social media or check out his new book. Just visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. While you're there, remember there's still time to swing by the Live Happy Store and take advantage of our spring special where you can get 25% off storewide just by entering the code Spring 25. That is all we have time for today. We will meet you back here again next week for an all new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
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Transcript – Practicing Digital Wellness With Amy Blankson

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Practicing Digital Wellness With Amy Blankson [INTRODUCTION]   [00:00:02] PF: Thank you for joining us for Episode 415 of Live Happy Now. Our digital lifestyles often don't seem to support our wellbeing. But this week's guest is going to tell us how we can change it. I'm your host, Paula Felps, and this week, I am sitting down with Amy Blankson, CEO and co-founder of the Digital Wellness Institute. Amy has made it her mission to cultivate and wellbeing in a digital era. On May 5th, Digital Wellness Day, she is unveiling the Digital Wellness University and Digitally Well School to help create healthier digital cultures at school, work, and home. This week, she's here to share some of her strategies to improve our digital wellness. [EPISODE]   [0:00:45] PF: Amy, thank you for coming back on Live Happy Now. [0:00:48] AB: So happy to be here. Thanks for having me, Paula. [0:00:51] PF: It has been way too long since we talked and I'm very, very happy to be able to sit down with you again. [0:00:56] AB: Yes, this is always one of my favorite shows to get to join in. So thank you. [0:01:01] PF: Well, you have something fantastic going on with Digital Wellness Day, and I think, we'll start with the baseline. Tell us what digital wellness means. [0:01:10] AB: Digital wellness is a bit of a foreign term for a lot of people. We know digital, we know wellness, but you put them together, and suddenly, it's confusing. Fortunately, I think that the world has been more tuned in to really addressing some of the needs of mental health, physical health, burnout that we're seeing all across the globe. As part of that, digital wellness is becoming a more frequently talked about topic. Digital wellness is really looking at how technology is impacting our lives for the better and for the worse, and trying to optimize our behaviors to really find a better sense of balance for greater happiness. We know that if we are overusing our tech, it makes us less happy. If we're not using tech, we feel isolated sometimes from really important parts of the world. What we're trying to do is find that really sweet spot for what we call digital flourishing, that space where you feel like you're at your best self, and you're in control of your tech, not the other way around. [0:02:08] PF: That's so difficult to achieve, because I think we all have those moments where we really consider throwing our phone out the window. But then we're like, we realized we don't know anybody's phone number anymore and it would be a bad thing to do. But we just hit that breaking point with our technology. First of all, how did you start discovering how we can find this holy grail called digital wellness? [0:02:29] AB: Well, it actually started – it's been a long journey in this field of happiness, and looking at different factors, and cycles that affects human happiness. Back when we started GoodThink back in 2006, we were really responding to economic distress at that time. It was, how do I find happiness when the economy is so up in the air. Then, that morphed over time to – well, robots take my job. Then it became, how do I find happiness in the midst of the pandemic, and then post-pandemic. What I do when I'm speaking to audiences, I do a lot of listening, but before and after too the pain points that people are going through. I really heard loud and clear that there was a pain point around technology, and happiness, and an uncertainty about the future, and fear about the future, to be honest. I started doing research in this field with the assumption and the hypothesis that our tech was making us less happy. As I started writing, the research didn't confirm what I actually believed about tech at the time. That was – it wasn't the tech making us less happy, it was the way we were using tech that was making us less happy, that tech itself is not an animate character that has any sort of preferences. It is designed in certain ways that prey upon our human tendencies to need to check in or fear of missing out. But truly, it comes back to us as humans, being in control of our own behaviors and habits, which comes back to a sense of awareness. We know when we are in control, we are happier because we have more time to do the things that we really want to do and be the people we want to be. We want to be more connected. We want to be able to look people in the eyes. We want to feel productive at the end of the day and we don't want to be overwhelmed. These things are topics that I started writing on. I changed the thrust of my book to really work on human agency as a message that we can cocreate the future of happiness together if we are future-focused. Let's quit bemoaning the fact that we no longer have landlines because truly, cell phones make a lot of sense. They do and they're everywhere. I think that that will be the future. But instead, let's look ahead and say, "Okay. Knowing that this is in our path, what are we going to do to optimize the world? What do we need to put in place right now today to set ourselves up for success for future generations? I think that we have a lot of power. Sometimes we just forget how much power we have to do that. [0:05:01] PF: Does it change generationally? Is the way that technology stresses us out or makes us happy change with, say, Gen Z to Baby Boomer? [0:05:11] AB: I think our tolerance for tech changes based on generations. But I think the issues and the struggles that we're facing are relevant from literally one years old to 101. That we are using tech in different ways, different apps, different functionalities. But I have also found that the capacity to handle longer periods of tech is much more fluid for digital natives and it's less threatening. We know, and of course, in positive psychology, that anything that feels threatening, that spikes, our cortisol levels to go up. That actually decreases our ability to handle tech for long periods of time. For instance, my mother will be on tech for maybe 30 minutes, and get completely stressed out by it. That is her max limit. Whereas somebody who is younger, and as a tech help desk agent who's used to working on devices for long periods of time, and has really positive habits outside of time that they're working on tech, then they could actually handle up to 12 hours. This depends on your behaviors, your habits that you wrap it around yourself to be able to see how long we can respond to it. What point is a point of diminishing return for you? [0:06:27] PF: That's really interesting. Is that something that, say, employers or teachers should be aware of as they're dealing with people that we don't all have the same tolerance for technology. [0:06:38] AB: We should absolutely be addressing this, and I think we are just at the cusp of this conversation within HR departments and wellbeing departments. Because truthfully, we haven't been really tracking the impact of tech on wellness. There's been a huge investment in wellness throughout the pandemic, from employers, from gym memberships, meditation apps, stipends to spruce up your home environment. But I think we're missing the mark on this particular conversation, because we're not actually opening up to talk about how our boundaries have shifted dramatically as a society. Since the pandemic started, the amount of time we're spending on devices has gone up by 30%. We all anticipated that would go back down after we shifted back to hybrid work or back to in-person work. In fact, the levels have actually stayed consistent and even risen just a little bit.   [0:07:30] PF: Really?   [0:07:31] AB: That means, on average, that our dear teenagers are now spending an average of eight hours a day on devices. As adults, we're spending about five to six hours. Some of the heavy tech users are up to 17 hours on average. That's on average.   [0:07:48] PF: How is that even possible?   [0:07:49] AB: Which brings us a lot of questions. [0:07:51] PF: Yes. How is that even possible? Like how can you spend that much time on technology? [0:07:55] AB: I think that, at first, it sounds like a lot. Then all of a sudden, you think about all the times that we're carrying our devices in our back pocket, we're bringing them to the dinner table, we wake up to our alarm clock set on our phone, we're multitasking all day long. Even when we go to the movies, some people have their devices with them and are checking their devices in the movie. All of a sudden, that makes sense that every waking minute, we have devices with us. That's a big switch from a few years ago when we use them occasionally, or strategically, or when we were at work. Now, our lives are so blended that they've literally become attached at the hip. [0:08:35] PF: Yes. Yes. With us being so connected to our phones, what is that doing to us? Because you know, to your point, there are very good uses for it. Some of the time when we talk about the time spent online. Well, teenagers and younger users are also using that instead of going to a library. They're looking up, they're doing research, they're doing things like that. We have a niece who's 18, and she spends a lot of time on her phone, but she is not texting, she's not playing games. It's just that's where she does her research and that's how it is. But what does it do when we are always on our phones? What's the price that we're paying for that? [0:09:13] AB: That's such a good question. I mean, as an individual, I don't have a specific price to tell you. But as an employee, we know that the average cost and retention recruitment is about $6,700 per employee per year. That's burnout, replacement, and recruitment retention. As individuals, I think the effects of that we're feeling are back pain, eye strain, text thumb, text neck is an actual indication of overuse of technology. But we are also seeing a lot of mental health issues that are emerging, and they become intertwined with other habits that are happening in life. In many ways, the tech is exacerbating the underlying issues that are already there. Things like feeling socially isolated or feeling like you're overwhelmed in general, having a full inbox doesn't help with that, right? I's hard to tease out the exact effect and the impact. But I think that from an inherent perspective of an individual who's living in this time, the fact that this is so widespread, and something that we can all relate to that feeling like we, "Oh my gosh, I left my phone at home. What if something bad happens?" or "I can't get a hold of so on. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't remember their cell phone number." These are things that cause us stress all day long. I think that we are feeling the effects and really needing to dial down our use to really what's most important for us. That's what Digital Wellness Day is all about. This is the big holiday, we're coming up to celebrating on May 5th. It's our fourth annual digital wellness day. The whole idea is just pause for anything, any time period from five minutes, to five hours, to stop and think about how you're using tech. We call it practicing the pause. The idea is just to step back from your devices and think about when you're using them, why you're using them, where you're using them, how you're using them, and with whom you're using them. Because a lot of times, we default to certain behaviors, we find actually that we pick up our phone 150 times a day. Half of those times, nobody has texted us or called us or email us. We're just checking to see if we were needed. So 50% of the time, we don't need to be on our devices, but we feel like we do. This is a moment to step back and say, "Okay. Am I getting unnecessary notifications? Am I trying to juggle too many apps and gadgets that maybe I don't need them right now, and stepping back to really focus on what are my goals, my priorities, my values that make me the happiest version of myself, and really realigning your priorities?" I think this is a constant process for us in this digital era, coming back to what is grounding us and who do we want to be going forward. [0:12:03] PF: Yes. That takes a lot of thought, it really does. Because we've become so trained by our phones, like we respond to the bullying. It's like, you can be in the middle of a conversation. It's like, "Oh, let me get that." You would never, if you're talking with someone face-to-face, and another human just came and interrupted you, and you wouldn't immediately shift your attention to them. You'd be like, "Excuse me, I'm having this conversation." Yet, when our device does, it will just shut the other person out and see what our phone wants. [0:12:31] AB: Exactly.   [0:12:32] PF: How do we retrain ourselves? I know that's part of what Digital Wellness Day is about. How do we start retraining ourselves? To your point, maybe cut down some of these notifications that we're getting? [0:12:44] AB: Absolutely. I always say it comes back to setting your aim. Awareness, intention and momentum. Awareness starts with looking around and seeing what's happening. That very dynamic you're talking about, something that in digital wellness, we call phubbing, which means phones snubbing. If you start paying attention today to the number of people who are phubbing each other, it will blow your mind. Once you see it, you can't unsee it. It's that's pervasive. Sometimes we fall into the habit, because it seems like this is just what everyone is doing these days. Of course, it's okay to check your phone when it rings in the middle of a conversation, because you don't know who it is. It could be a spam call, or it could be your mother and you need to pick it up. One of the things, building awareness and then setting your intention. My intention is, when I have coffee with a friend, I turned my phone on Do Not Disturb, I tuck it in my back pocket or in a bag so that I can give my full attention to the person in front of me. Then, momentum is actually creating the habits that make it possible for you to do this easier in the future. For instance, one of the things I have been doing is telling people what I'm doing. Whether it's my team, or my family, I say, "Hey, I really want to do this together." I've been noticing there's a lot of phubbing, so let's make this something we work on together. That helps provide accountability and keeps making my job easier because self-regulation is hard. We need a lot of people around us, and we need a culture change, which is going to require a huge movement of really aware people to make that happen. [0:14:23] PF: With a generation that's been raised on digital, can that be done? Because they are so used to – they're so attached to their phones. How do you change it if it's ingrained in them? We see little kids who are using mom and dad's phone to play a game or do something like that. How do we change that? [0:14:42] AB: Oh my goodness. You hit on such a great point. Every time I speak to audiences about digital wellness, our mind immediately jumps to younger people, especially teenagers. Oh, those teenagers on their devices, right? There is definitely something there that we need to be paying attention to. Seventy-seven percent of parents are worried that their teens are overly addicted to devices. But interestingly, and that other 40% think their parents are also addicted to their devices. I actually have a lot of hope for the younger generation because they've been raised with language, and teaching in schools, and tools to help with digital boundaries. The group that I worry about the most are the 16 to 24 range, because – I can tell you this specifically, because my daughter was born in 2007, two months before the iPhone came out. [Inaudible 0:15:32] my daughter with the iPhone. I know that all of those who were born beyond her were born before pre-iPhone, and pre-boundaries. As they've been growing up, suddenly, they had free rein with the device, and then the boundaries were taken away. They think it's their right to be able to do whatever they want on their devices. Of course, we're seeing a lot of young people who are overusing devices. Fortunately, the younger they are, I feel like schools have taught them, "Hey, there's screen time limits. Let's be mindful. Let's do other things. There's a balance." That's great. I also worry about the older working populations right now, everyone above that 24-year range gap, because I think that they also struggle with trying to integrate this digital world, trying to be part of it, trying to be relevant and responsive. What I see with that group is that they're not being irresponsible, necessarily with tech, they're being hyper responsible. They feel like they have to get back to people so quickly. They feel like they have to juggle everything. I know it's stressful, because we know that the cortisol levels are rising. In this dynamic, I think we really need to pay attention to how can we support different generational needs, and really tune into how we can teach specifically to the troubles that they are facing? [0:16:54] PF: That makes so much sense. I know you're rolling out a couple things for digital wellness day that I want to talk about. But first, there's something that you said, I heard you speak and you talked about how it's not the amount of time you spend online, it's the quality of what you do offline. Talk about that. Because we know parents – people, we want a prescription, like how much time should I spend online? How much time should I allow my children to spend online? You have such a beautiful answer for this. Would you talk about that, please? [0:17:22] AB: I would be so happy to. This is my new soapbox, because the language for us in digital wellness has been dominated by the recommendations coming out of the American Academy of Pediatrics. It used to be one hour of entertainment screen related time was recommended for five years and older. Then, it was two hours, and then the pandemic came, then suddenly we're like, "Well, just don't be on devices all the time, okay?"   [0:17:45] PF: Twenty hours is fine. [0:17:46] AB: That's fine, we're good. Well, I think that what's happening now is that we are recognizing that there's not defined entertainment time and defined school time, it is all blended. So measuring the amount of time you're on screens is actually less useful than measuring how you feel when you're on devices, and measuring what you're doing when you're outside of time with devices. I feel passionately that we need to talk as well about, "Are you sleeping well? Are you journaling, and meditating, and hanging out with friends? Are you building up all of those offline habits that help you to be your best self when you're online? I think that's equally as important as the amount of screen time you're spending. If parents get locked into focusing on, "Well, here's your two hours of screen time. Now, you're done." Then the children are still eating junk food on the couch, just languishing. Then I'm not sure that we've actually helped them to thrive in the way that we really wanted them to. Thinking about what we're doing when we're online, what we're doing when they're offline, and supporting that with really positive habits all the way around. [0:18:56] PF: That is terrific. Digital Wellness Day, you give us a couple of things that you're presenting that are going to help us with all this talk about what you're introducing. [0:19:07] AB: Absolutely. We have a Digital Wellness Day toolkit that anybody can download for free if you want to hold your own event at your school, maybe in your community, maybe just with your family. There's a lot of ideas in this toolkit that can be downloaded at digitalwellnessday.com. That is complete with ideas as well for individuals who are thinking, "Okay. What am I going to do? When I step away from technology, what do I do?" It could be, go outside and take a walk, practice meditating, journal, do some reflection time with a friend. Lots of great ideas in this toolkit. We'll also be holding two special events on digital wellness day that I think you might want to tune into. One is a panel on digitally well schools and we'll be announcing the first ever digitally well university in the entire world, and introducing those individuals on the panel. We'll also have a panel for a digitally well companies. So we'll be announcing the first digitally well company as well. If you're looking for ideas either for how to implement digital wellness within a school setting, or within a company setting, that'll be a great opportunity to get some really tactical strategies for what that looks like. Otherwise, we actually want people to not be online and to maybe go have some time and space where they can just play and joy, feel like they are thriving and flourishing for the day. My hope is that you will go share the word with other people, encourage them to join you in celebrating Digital Wellness Day. Then, we'd love to hear about the experience. So we will be circulating survey as well to hear, what did you do on digital wellness day? What did you learn? Was it worth it? So that we can continue to iterate and make this day better. [0:20:45] PF: That's so fascinating. What does the university entail? Is it like ongoing course? What exactly are the details of that? [0:20:54] AB: The first Digitally Well University, I can now officially share, is going to be Virginia Tech. We've been working with them for the past several months, and they have taken phenomenal level of leadership on campus in order to introduce digital wellness as a topic to raise student health. They have done everything from having on-campus talks about digital wellness. They have PowerPoint slides that have been given to the faculty to play as screensavers while students are walking into the classroom. The dining halls are putting informational little packets on tables in the dining hall. They have residents, real-life teachers who are going to be talking about it with students within the dorm setting. It's not just one thing, it's really the fact that they have taken this to multiple different levels of the university, and tried to infuse digital wellness, and everything that they're doing. They even created spaces on campus that are designed to be a space where you can step away from your tech and just have a refresher. We really wanted to highlight them, and some of the practices they're doing on campus because we think that they're repeatable. That would be really wonderful for other universities and schools to pick up and make their own as well. [0:22:06] PF: Oh, that's terrific. Then, for companies, we'll talk about leaders, and bosses, managers. First, how can they set an example of being digitally well, and being more mindful of not only their own use, but what their employees might be going through? [0:22:24] AB: Absolutely. The first digitally well company in the world is going to be ATB. At ATB, they've done a lot of things within the company to build up digital wellness as a topic. They train the leaders, they appointed one of their chief people officers to be certified in digital wellness, who she then went and trained another manager in the organization who then took the concept of digital wellness to 80 different teams internally, where they completed communication charters to talk about how they were dialoguing within the organization and how they were establishing digital boundaries within their teams for communication. When is it okay to talk after hours, or what's happening on the weekends? How do you take a vacation, and feel like you don't have to plug in, which would be amazing. What do you do when your boss is the one who's creating the issue, and you're trying to figure out how to hold them accountable. They've created systems, and processes, policies that we're creating a white paper to document all of these wonderful things, how they implemented it, what did it look like, and then how can it be repeated as well? [0:23:30] PF: Oh, terrific. Yes. When that is ready, I want to have you back. I want to talk about that. Because I think everyone is affected by this, everyone is concerned with it. Then, so we've talked about the schools, we've talked about businesses. How about at home? What can we do because we're all struggling with it on some level? What can we do at home? How do we implement a digital wellness program in our own family? [0:23:54] AB: Like all great personal change, I think it starts with taking one tiny micro habit and focusing on that in our family. I have three young girls, they're 10, 13, and 16. I definitely understand the challenge of trying to negotiate school, working on projects in the living room, on your computers. Someone might have a TV on the room, someone might have their phone beside them. We found on the pandemic that we really hit a fever pitch of everyone being online trying to do everything. We made one simple rule. That was, that when somebody new walks into the room, everyone looks out from their device.   [0:24:32] PF: Oh, I love that.   [0:24:34] AB: Such a low bar. I mean, really, it was just like just acknowledge the other human being in the room was the basic rule. But it was a starting place, and I think that it set our intention, that other people are important, and it's something that we can all do whether you are a toddler or you are a senior citizen. Very simple. Another practice we have is that we try to keep all phones in the kitchen. Rather than having the children charge their devices in their room, we keep them at a central tech hub in the kitchen. Little things like this that I think can be simple actions that signal. The other important thing that I do as mother, which I think is an important role too is that, when my children come to me, and they're saying, "Mommy, when are you going to be done for the day on your devices?" What I heard loud and clear was that they're not asking me, when are you going to be done with work? Because truly, the answer is never, I have so many things to do, right? We all have this long to-do list. What they were really asking was, when are you going to have time for me? Now, I have started to set my intention, like, "Hey, I have a lot of things going on today, you might see me on screens a lot. But at 2:30, this is going to be your time, let's go do something special together." That's all they needed. They could totally let me work as a – I work from home, and so they were very happy to let me get my work done and not interrupt. That's important for distraction. By me communicating something of value to them. That was a big lightbulb moment for me that I think is very repeatable for a lot of people communicating when you're available, and trying to set that time aside to really be device free, so that you can connect very personally. [0:26:15] PF: That's terrific. That's something all of us can do too. I'm glad it wasn't a complex thing, because homework.   [0:26:22] AB: Absolutely.   [0:26:22] PF: Thank you so much. There's so much that we could learn from you. I'm excited to see where this research continues to go, and what you learn, because obviously, this is an issue that's going to continue to grow and evolve as technology, and AI, and everything continues to expand. I look forward to have more conversations about this with you, and we will tell people, we'll give links on the landing page so they can go discover more about Digital Wellness Day. We'll be talking about it on our social media and sharing it. But I guess, before I let you go, can you tell us what you hope everyone gets out of Digital Wellness Day, on May 5th? [0:26:58] AB: My hope is that everybody will step away and realize how much power they do have to control the world around them, particularly around technology. Though we have a lot of fears around AI, we have fears around social media, we have fears around what's happening with the election, or with what's happening with work or the economy. That those things all are things that maybe we can't control the big topics, but we can control our own behavior around them. Digital Wellness Day is a place for you to start and own your own sense of human agency to shape the world the way that you want to shape it using your own behavior. [0:27:39] PF: I love it. Amy, thank you so much. It was a delight having you here. As I said, we will do this again soon.   [0:27:45] AB: Thank you so much, Paula. [END OF INTERVIEW] [0:27:50] PF: That was Amy Blankson, talking about digital wellness. We'd like to invite you, and your school, or company to participate in Digital Wellness Day on May 5th. Visit our website to learn more about it. We'll also tell you how to follow Amy on social media, discover some of her free resources, or buy her best-selling book, The Future of Happiness. Just visit us at livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. That is all we have time for today. We’ll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
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Two young women laughing and drinking coffee.

Happiness is Contagious … Literally!

Most of us, at some point in the past few years, have found ourselves a little bit more attuned to the sound of a cough. Our alarm bells go off, and this can be summed up into one word - "cough, cough"  coronavirus. Yes, I know, not another story about corona and your mental health! Well luckily, that’s not what this story is about. But it is about something else that turns out to be contagious: moods. Yes, just like catching corona (or any other sickness you may be trying to avoid) you can also catch someone else's mood - and it’s backed by science. Researchers found that through a process called ‘social contagion’ moods can spread from one person to the next in various ways. No doubt most of us have experienced how others’ bad moods can affect us negatively. We easily feel down, or sad, or angry when others around us emote those same feelings - especially those we are closer to. But what about positive emotions, can they be contagious? And if so, to what degree? Research by Nicholas Christakis from Harvard University suggests that happiness, like the flu, can spread from person to person. When people close to us, in terms of relationships, or even physical proximity become happier, we do too. For example, when a person who lives within a mile of a good friend becomes happier, the probability that this person’s good friend will also become happier increases by 15%. An even more striking finding in this study suggests that the effect can go beyond direct links and reach a third degree of separation: When a friend of a friend becomes happier, we become happier, even when we don’t know that third person directly! Perhaps this is just another small reminder of why your mom was right when she told you to ”choose your friends carefully!” Interestingly, the concept of ‘social contagion” also explains why the old notion of trying to become happier by comparing yourself to the less fortunate (i.e. those who have more troubled relationships, less money, worse health, etc…) does not often work. You see, if you compare yourself to those who suffer more, and thus have more negative moods, you expose yourself to the negative moods as well. And, if you accept that moods are contagious, then comparing yourself to the less fortunate can actually affect you more negatively than uplift your spirits. Moods thus are not just contagious, they’re very contagious. In a world where depression is the leading cause of disability, and it’s estimated that 5% of adults globally suffer from it (according to 2021 World Health Organization data), a little boost in happiness can go a lot further than you think. The key takeaway is that if you work on your own happiness while also surrounding yourself with happier people, it’s not only good for your well-being, it will make others around you happier, and those who are close to them happier as well!  This is the powerful ripple effect of happiness. I hope you choose it when you can! Dr. Tal Leead has more than 25 years of clinical experience and runs her own private practice in California primarily focused on positive psychology. Her first best-selling book Happier Being: Your Path to Optimizing Habits, Health & Happiness has already sold thousands of copies and received praise from world-renowned meditation expert Sharon Salzberg, amongst many others. She has also been published in magazines such as Thrive Global and Psychreg.
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Three women singing together.

Transcript – Finding Comfort Through Music With Jan Stanley

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Finding Comfort Through Music With Jan Stanley [INTRO] [00:00:04] PF: What's up, everybody? This is Paula Felps, and you are listening to On a Positive Note, where I sit down with a songwriter, recording artist, or music insider to learn how music can lift our spirits and heal our hearts. Death is inevitable. But as with many things in life, music can change how people experience the journey. Today, I'm sitting down with Jan Stanley to talk about Threshold Choirs, an international movement in which a trio sings healing and comforting songs for people who are nearing the end of their lives. Jan, a longtime Threshold Choir member, explains how sharing songs at this uncertain time not only brings comfort to the dying and their family members, but can be transformational for the singers as well. Let's take a listen. [INTERVIEW] [00:00:50] PF: Jan, thank you so much for being with me here today. [00:00:52] JS: Hi, Paula. It's so good to see you again and to be together and to talk about something really special and meaningful. [00:00:59] PF: Well, I cannot believe we haven't had this conversation sooner because you're the person who introduced me to the idea of Threshold Choirs. That was probably six years ago that you first told me about that. We talked about it then, and I just think it's so fascinating. Can you tell everyone what a Threshold Choir is and what they do? [00:01:18] JS: Absolutely. So Threshold Choirs are choirs of predominantly women, although that's expanding, who sing for those at end of life and their loved ones. So picture someone on hospice who's at home or someone who's in an inpatient hospice care or even in a skilled facility like a hospital, nursing care, et cetera. The end is drawing near, and there are so many uncertainties for the person who's at end of life. Of course, no one knows what the great mystery is beyond this life we're living now. Also, for family members, they have all different kinds of – sometimes, they're very good, loving, grieving, sorrowful emotions. Sometimes, there's leftover family dynamics of people who didn't get along. Or maybe you didn't even get along well with them, or there was some rift with you and the person who's dying. So we're called into those situations, and we come in with what we call comfort, songs of comfort. That's kind of the essence of what Threshold Choirs are. I'd love to give a little bit of history, Paula, when you're ready for that. [00:02:34] PF: Yes, please do. [00:02:35] JS: So there's a woman named Kate Munger, M-U-N-G-E-R, out in the Bay Area of the US out in California. She is a beautiful voice, a singer. She had experiences where she would sing for those who are dying. She would notice that there was great comfort sand ease that the person experienced when the songs and music were kind of floating in the air. So after law, she decided, “I wonder if there's a way to kind of gather people together and start singing for people at end of life?” In about the year 2000, she created the first Threshold Choir out in the Bay Area. A couple of other choirs followed. Now, the last time I checked, there were about 150 chapters that go even beyond the US, so international chapters. Each chapter follows the same kind of threshold, what I would call principles or guidelines. The clientele is the same, so singing for those that end of life and their loved ones. But then each chapter has a little bit of autonomy to think about like what their cultural norms are or how they can best fit into the situation that they find themselves in. So I have been privileged to be able to have sung with the Madison Wisconsin Threshold singers and then also with a chapter in Manhattan, in the New York Threshold Choir. One of the things I love about it is the songs that are sung are mostly written by Threshold singers themselves, so not like – [00:04:16] PF: Oh, I was going to ask about that. [00:04:19] JS: Yes. They're not like popular songs. They're not necessarily religious songs, hymns, those sorts of things. Although, chapter by chapter, sometimes the chapter will adapt. If the religious preference of someone who's dying is known, we can sing a hymn or something of that religious background. But primarily, they’re songs of comfort, just kind of at the end of life. [00:04:44] PF: So when the members are writing the songs, how do they know what to write about? As you said, you've got to make it kind of fit all these different personalities, belief systems, situations. So how do – what is the songwriting process? [00:04:59] JS: It's such a good question. Like most things creative, there's probably some like little hint of inspiration from somewhere that's coming into the process. But basically, if you think about dying, if you think about death, and our society doesn't really like to think about it. [00:05:17] PF: Yes. That’s not our favorite topic. [00:05:17] JS: So if you think about this journey, that might be a little bit uncomfortable for listeners. But if you think about dying, it's like a great mystery. Life is a great mystery. We don't know how we came to be here and when our time will erode, those sorts of things. So Ramdas, who's one of the spiritual gurus of the, I guess, 20th century would be the best way to describe him. He had this saying that he used to say we're all just walking each other home. It’s such a beautiful saying. One of the women in the Threshold Choir actually put that to music. So we sing in three-part harmonies. So it's a very simple song called We Are All Just Walking Each Other Home. So that's one of the core songs that often will be song bedside. I give that background because that's sort of the overarching theme of the Threshold song. So it's how can we bring comfort? How can we ease in this transition? There's one that's probably my favorite bedside song, which is Let Peace be with You. So it's a four-line song and, again, in three-part harmony, and it goes – the first verse is let peace be with you. Let love be with you. Let grace be with you. It's a very just kind of calming, simple melody. When we sing bedside, we send either three or four singers. So we don't send a full – we might have 30 members, but we do all. [00:07:01] PF: Get a little crowded in there. [00:07:02] JS: Yes, exactly. Exactly. So it's soft. It’s like a lullaby in some ways. Another one that I love is Rest Easy. Another one is You Are Not Alone. So they're very, very simple themes. They're designed to kind of bring that state of calm, of relaxation and almost as if we're walking them home in that moment with our voices. We're kind of channels for the care that we all might desire at the end of our life. [00:07:35] PF: When you talk about it, and I remember the very first time you told me about them, I thought this would be such a difficult thing to do because you're going in. You're seeing what direction this is going. Especially in the US, in our culture, we see that as very sad, like that end-of-life thing. But from talking with you, it's not a sad experience. It's a very beautiful and an uplifting experience. Can you talk about that? [00:08:01] JS: First, from the singer’s perspective, there are rituals that each choir adopts and customizes to their own. But they often involve what I'll call a song mother. So we're lined up with texts, and we might get a text sometimes. As the dyeing process goes on, the health professionals can say, “Oh, you know,” where it’s in the final weeks or in the final days, that sort of thing. So sometimes, there's an appointment lined up for us. Other times, it's more on-demand or like an urgent call of like, “Someone took a turn, and we've sung for them before. Can you please come in and sing now?” The song mother, whatever the situation is, will line up the singers in the right range. So we have to have the middle singer who's singing the melody. Then we have a soprano above and an alto below. So she has to find the right singers who are available. Then we gather before we get to the room or the home or wherever it is that we're going to sing for the person who's dying. In that, we do like a little warm-up, a little kind of getting ourselves in tune with one another, both musically but also spiritually or emotionally. We set an intention for what our intention is for going into this home. It’s very simple. Over the years, we've gotten to do it with kind of almost a word or a couple of words. My intention might be gratitude for the privilege of being with someone at this most precious time. Someone else's might be love that they're wanting to convey that this person is loved, even though they might not even know the person. But still, through our voices, we can convey that. Then so we've kind of come into sync with one another, and we go into the situation. You never quite know exactly who is going to be there, what it's going to be like, what the kind of general energy in the room is. But as soon as we start singing, you can see the kind of almost like the exhale, the energy in the room, just kind of weird doing the work, right? Everyone else is kind of receiving. It’s one of the things that's interesting, Paula. The question I'm probably asked most often around my work with ritual and the fact that I've sung with Threshold is I'll get emergency texts or emails like, “Oh, my cousin is dying, and I'm heading out there. What do I do? What do I do when I'm in the room?” So when you have the Threshold singers, it's kind of like we're providing a way of being. We're kind of holding space, as they say, in the facilitator world, for all the emotions that might be present in the room to arise, both with the person in bed who we’re singing to. Just a little aside, we always bring our own like little lightweight folding chairs because we don't want to like look down on the person we're singing for. We want it to be heart-level. So we're singing kind of heart-to-heart with them. After the songs are done, we've sung, sometimes we sing never fewer than three, sometimes up to five or six. As I said, if the family requested a certain Amazing Grace or a Jewish, we have like a small repertoire of songs that they could say at request, and we'll do that. After we sing, we meet up again. The song mother reconvenes us, and we just process what that experience was like for us. [00:11:45] PF: That's interesting. How important do you think that is to the overall process? Because you're really recognizing what it did for you. I mean, that’s a very thoughtful approach. [00:11:56] JS: Absolutely. When we reconvene, it does a number of things. It kind of – I wouldn't say our job at all is traumatic. So there's no like real trauma associated with our job. However, we're seeing things that you don't normally see in a regular time period. So it's an opportunity to talk about what we noticed, what we observed, what we were feeling. Very occasionally, we're sort of trained not to be the ones expressing emotion. But very occasionally, I mean, music can carry you away. Sometimes, one of us has to pause from singing for a moment because there might be tears coming down. So it's an opportunity to really reflect on all of that. [00:12:42] PF: As you're doing that, obviously, as you said, music is such a powerful connector to our emotions. Even as you're talking, I'm thinking about when my mom was dying, and I was sitting by her bedside, and the music that we were playing for her. So how do you keep from having all those memories come in and be part of this experience? Or do you? Do you let it all come together? [00:13:08] JS: It's a good question. As a family member, all of those emotions and feelings are there. So I think, for me, when my sister died, which is now 10 years ago this July, so we had her – our whole – her four grown children, their partners, a few grandchildren. I was there, and her husband was there. So it was like this extended surrounding of her with just kind of love and care and helping her make that transition, walking her home, so to speak. So then it's fair game. Everyone was having every emotion, even though I was sort of the leader of the facilitator of the whole process. But you're having those emotions. As a Threshold singer, you're exposed to it more and more often. So it's akin to being like a hospice volunteer or a hospice worker. You're seeing people at the end of their days in all different circumstances, hopefully, with at least one person there with them. On the occasions where there's no one present, those are the ones that are really the most difficult ones for me when we're singing. We're just singing to the person who was very close to taking their last breath. For whatever reason, geography, deaths in their family, there's just no one there. Those are really the heartbreaking ones for me. But as a little small core group of three or four singers, we sort of support each other. If we notice one is experiencing those memories or emotions, the others take over. Soon enough, the person takes a few breaths, and back they come and join in. So my daughter's a veterinarian, and one of the things that I remember her telling me about their training in vet med school, of course, they have to euthanize pets. It's all around the compassion of kind of this pet is suffering to such a degree that it's time for saying goodbye. One of the rules of thumb that they taught her, which I've shared with all my Threshold singers is that it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to have emotions. It makes you human. We're human beings. We're not robots in the situation. But the guideline for veterinarians is you should never be the focal point of those emotions. So you don't want the family turning to comfort you as – [00:15:40] PF: Right. That’s a lot of work for them to that. [00:15:43] HC: Exactly. So that was a good rule of thumb for me, knowing that it's okay to experience those emotions, that the scene, that music, that all of it evokes. But just don't let it be the focal point of the moment. Keep the purpose of singing to the dying person and their family members as the key. [00:16:02] PF: Yes. I want to talk in a moment about how it affects the person in the family that's being sung to. But how has it changed you to be part of this experience? What has it done? Also, what do you think of in your own? I would think it'd be impossible not to think about your own end of days, as you're part of this experience. [00:16:21] JS: Absolutely. So the greatest gift for me of being a Threshold singer is the gift of community. So you have this really – I'll use the word sacred, meaningful. I'm not sure exactly the right adjective, but you have this bonding experience that's unusual that you're doing. You can see that it's bringing a positive effect. Sometimes, in our daily work, we're not able to quite see that as immediately or as vividly as the work of a Threshold choir. Because we're doing and we're engaged in such activities, there's a true bonding among the singers themselves. So we do other things like – of course, we have weekly rehearsals, but we'll also have potlucks, or we'll do other gatherings. So it's a true sense of purpose. We're doing something that's meaningful and belonging. We're doing it together. It kind of crosses almost like historic boundaries as well because singing has been a part of life and death for tens of thousands of years. So you just feel this real sense of connection. Personally, how it's changed me, I think you're exactly right. It's made me very much more conscious of the decisions I make in my life today. So when I counsel people, I don't do this like professionally, but friends or friends of friends, that sort of thing. I'll ask, “Do you have in mind like where you might like your ashes scattered?” Or now, with people's geography having shifted, sometimes even if they're going to be buried, they're not exactly sure where that might be because maybe their family has moved from place to place. They have loved ones at different locations. So we talk that through. Sometimes, people will say, “Oh, by the ocean.” Sometimes, people will say in the woods in Northern Wisconsin or whatever it is that might ring true for them. What I mean by living our lives more richly is we talk this through, and we thought, “Oh, that would be lovely. I could see that. Yes, that would be a great, eternal resting place.” Then the next question is when was the last time you've been there? Are you planning to go there again? [00:18:41] PF: Oh, interesting. [00:18:43] JS: So it's kind of how do we have that endpoint that we kind of yearn for and we think about and we can imagine it happening. But how do we back that up and say, “Let's put more of that into our days now.”? Then it makes an easier transition when the time comes. [00:19:01] PF: That's so thoughtful. That is an important thing for us to think about because you're right. We do start making those plans and say, “This is what I want to do,” and that had never even crossed my mind. [00:19:12] JS: Another one that's similar to that is who would you want your family members to notify when you're gone? So that might be friends, family members, former colleagues, whoever is on your mind that you want to have them notified to make sure they know, and they find out from a family member that you have passed. Then the same question applies. When's the last time you contacted them? When's the last time you did something with these folks? So it's a different way of thinking of life, really. [00:19:40] PF: I love that. Yes. Yes. It really reminds you to live while you're here. So when people are in a situation where their loved one is dying, how do they know who to reach out to? How do they find a Threshold Choir? How does that process start? [00:19:56] JS: I wish it was broadcast more publicly because in the US, for example, almost every major city has at least one Threshold Choir, and lots of other cities do as well, smaller cities. Usually, when I sang in Madison and in Manhattan, we were tied very closely with the health care systems and the hospice facilities. So often, staff would say, as end of life was approaching, one option is to have the Threshold singers come in. But I wish there was a way that was like more broadcast because it really is something that's comforting. One of the things I'll say, Paula, is in the same way that we have this aversion or fear around talking about death, the same thing about hospice. So one of my wishes is that people think of if you're going on hospice or receiving hospice care, that it means like you have a day left to live or something. It means like it's the very, very end. But, in fact, palliative care, hospice care, you can do it. I think the actual cut-off on the health insurance side is six months. But people don't take advantage of that ,all of the care and comfort and services that they could be having in those final six months. I think part of it is we just don't want to think that the end is near. So hospice is often called in those final few days. I regret that. I wish people understood or were less frightened by the idea of hospice because – I don't know how much contact you've had with hospice workers, but they're all just like amazing people. [00:21:37] PF: They’re angels. They are actual angels. [00:21:39] JS: [inaudible 00:21:39] to be compassionate, right? [00:21:42] PF: Yes. That’s interesting because my partner's aunt has been in hospice for a couple of months now. We talk to her about once a week, and she is thriving. I mean, she is dying and thriving at the same time. It's the most amazing thing that I've seen because she's in a facility where she enjoys the people. There's a woman down the hall that comes and drinks wine with her every night at five o'clock. She is having a full, rich, dying experience. It's the most amazing thing that I've seen. [00:22:12] JS: Paula, I'm so glad you shared that story. I love that story, and I hope you write about it or somehow get it out in the world. Because I really do think it's important for people to know that even though – maybe are our greatest hope is that this person won't die. Well, that's like not going to happen because we all die. We all have circumstances accompanying us on our end-of-life journey. If that hope is out of the question, what are the other hopes that might still be in play? Like having friends, having community, having people surround you, being able to go outside and listen to the birds sing in the morning. Or whatever those alternative hopes are can be realized. I just wish more people understood that. [00:23:02] PF: Yes. Because the last time we talked to Linda, she was saying that, at first, she was really angry because she felt like she shouldn't be dying yet. She's too young. She had things she wanted to do. Now, she's like, “Okay, this is going to happen. So I'm just going to enjoy what I have and take this time.” She is. She's got a little wine fridge. She's doing – [00:23:22] JS: I absolutely love that. [00:23:24] PF: So if someone wants to be a part of this, if they want to join a Threshold Choir, how do they go about it? What kind of commitment do they need to be prepared to make? What are the logistics of it? [00:23:35] JS: Yes. Each choir is a little bit different. But if you go to – I think it's thresholdchoir.org if you – we can put it in the note episode. [00:23:45] PF: Yes. We’ll put it on the landing page. [00:23:47] JS: But there's a full website of Threshold Choirs, and you can do a location search. So you can find out Threshold Choir chapters that might be close to you. Each one is a little bit different. But I would say, in general, there's usually a weekly rehearsal. Then you have to be available to sing once per month for those at end of life. It’s kind of a rule of thumb and, again, with some flexibility chapter by chapter. In terms of vocal training, I am not vocally trained. So you don't need to be vocally trained, although we certainly have some choir members who just have those ethereal voices. That's not me. But you have to be able to meet the minimum guideline of you have to be able to keep on pitch and tempo with the songs, including when people are harmonizing in three parts. So that if you start going astray, that's not going to work for the whole sound that's being created. So what I like to say, Paula, is I need those bare minimum requirements. But I'm never going to be one to stand up in the room and just like – [00:24:57] PF: You're not going to go audition for The Voice anytime soon. Is that what you're telling? [00:25:02] JS: I would say as a singer and other people who've worked in choirs, there's good research on this that there's an experience of community of – [00:25:11] PF: I was just thinking about that. I was wondering if you get that same thing because all the science it says of singing together, what it does for us, so. [00:25:18] JS: Exactly, exactly. The synchronous movements even, the synchronous sounds as part of that belonging. But there's also, I would say, uplifting experience, like an experience of transcendence or an experience of awe. For me, it always happened. When we would sing our songs, the first line would be the melody. Then the second line, the alto would come in beneath. Then the third line, the soprano would come in on top. When all three were there, it just – I had the feeling of being lifted, the feeling of being kind of carried away. I think that the recipients of some of the Threshold songs, hopefully, would have a similar experience. [00:26:03] PF: That's fantastic. This is so fascinating to me, I think. As you said, more people need to know about it. I think it's such a wonderful way as you approach the end of life. Of course, music has been there throughout our entire lives. What better way than to let it lead us home? So, Jan, thank you for talking about this. [00:26:21] JS: Absolutely, Paula. [00:26:21] PF: Again, I just appreciate it. I always love talking to you. But this is a topic I just think is so important for people to hear about. [00:26:28] JS: Really is, yes. [OUTRO] [00:26:35] PF: That was Jan Stanley, talking about Threshold Choirs. If you'd like to learn more about Jan or find out more about Threshold Choirs, just visit livehappy.com and click on the podcast tab. I hope you've enjoyed this episode of On a Positive Note, and I look forward to joining you again next time. Until then, this is Paula Felps, reminding you to make every day a happy one. [END]
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