Practice

In his book Wabi-Sabi for Artists, Designers, Poets & Philosophers, author Leonard Koren describes the Japanese aesthetic philosophy as “a beauty of things imperfect, impermanent and incomplete.” These succinct words have become the de facto definition of wabi-sabi since he introduced it to the West in 1994. “If you have an icon of wabi-sabi, it is the Raku tea bowl,” says Leonard, of the rough-hewn ceramic bowls most associated with the philosophy. “It is a kind of shorthand. That tea bowl communicates the continuum of nature.” And although wabi-sabi is deeply rooted in nature, Leonard believes it can be found also in the manmade world. “A classic example is a rusting vintage car from the ’50s that’s been out at the beach for a long time,” Leonard says. The plastic and metal have a way of decaying in an interesting way. “When wabi-sabi was first coalescing, plastic and metal didn’t exist. That doesn’t mean we can’t find it now." It’s not only possible to have a wabi-sabi home, but also a "wabi-sabi marriage," or perhaps even a wabi-sabi life. In Japan, wabi-sabi is almost entirely based on aesthetics. You can admire imperfectly round-ish sake cups, or the impermanent glory of rust and orange fallen autumn leaves. But in the West, the concept has blossomed and is used in a more conceptual way. It’s not only possible to have a wabi-sabi home, but also a “wabi-sabi marriage,” or perhaps even a wabi-sabi life. What can embracing the bumpy imperfection of a ceramic tea bowl teach us about life? As we have learned from mental health experts, when we strive for perfection, we end up disappointed, stressed and unhappy. But if we stop to understand and appreciate the organic decay inherent in nature, and in ourselves, we acknowledge and accept what is. The bowl will someday break. The leaves will die and blow away. Our own bodies will age and return to the ground. It’s all part of the endless cycle of life. So instead of fretting about an unattainable perfection, says wabi-sabi, appreciate the beauty of this moment.

Perseverance goes by many names—resilience, grit, hardiness, persistence, hard work, industriousness—each with its own twist but similar meaning. It all comes down to the two major directions of perseverance: intensity and duration. If you’re going to persevere to solve a problem or strive toward a life goal, you need to bring forth hard work (intensity) over a period of time (duration). “Genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration,” Thomas Edison is often quoted as stating. Consider replacing “perspiration” with “perseverance,” and the meaning is fully retained. It is this strength that makes genius and talents possible. Research has found that perseverance is a primary character strength linked to school achievement, productivity and success at work. Perseverance is not only a strength to help you accomplish your goals and dreams, it is also your strength of engagement. When you persevere on a task, you are “in the zone,” likely functioning at your best or close to it. Think about reorganizing a room at home or collaborating with others on a work project. Your perseverance keeps you engaged, focused and connected with what you are doing. You can tap into that engagement with any action in your life. Ready to boost your strength of perseverance? Here are some practical approaches based in research: 1. Set a goal. Now list at least two obstacles that might get in the way of reaching the goal, such as feeling tired or interacting with a negative person. Decide ahead of time how you will use your character strengths to overcome the obstacles. 2. If you are persevering on a project that falls apart, consider what you have to gain from accepting the loss rather than focusing on what you could lose. Sticking with a failed project can lead to further loss (also called sunk costs). This strategy will help you to not overuse your perseverance. 3. If you want to increase the perseverance of someone else, such as a child or a student, give positive feedback about the person’s effort, focused attention and energy, rather than praising their success. We have more control over effort than success. Offer encouraging remarks, such as, “Your hard work on that project was admirable,” or “I appreciate all the energy you gave during that baseball game.”

If you have played any sport in your life, you have most likely witnessed a red-faced coach hurling angry, saliva-laden directives (and sometimes even chairs) from the sidelines. Cue Bobby Knight. But what if a positive approach rather than a negative and intimidating tone could get more out of the athlete? Matthew Scholes, an advocate of using the tenets of positive psychology in youth sports, is using science-based research to build a better coaching system within youth sports in Australia. He has been researching, developing and implementing positive sports coaching with schools and professional sports teams in Australia and New Zealand since 2011. The idea behind positive sports coaching is to use positive feedback and praise that simultaneously improves athletic performance and boosts mental well-being. This approach will not only benefit the athlete, but the coach, too, leaving both mentally prepared for the stress of competitive sports. A Different Kind of Coaching “Positive Sports Coaching isn’t about just saying everything is good,” Matthew says. “It is about specific and real feedback that is balanced and focuses on developing the athlete’s strengths as well as their weaknesses. Coaches are encouraged to keep a record of specific things the young athletes do well and feed this back to the athletes.” For example, Billy’s soccer coach, instead of just yelling, “great play!” on the field, follows up with an explanation and further encouragement. “Billy, I noticed your excellent on-the-spot decision-making to pass to Jeff, who had a shot at scoring when you didn’t. It’s that kind of big-picture awareness and leadership that will help our team rise to the top in the tournament next week.” Part of Matthew’s work is explaining to coaches how much their words and actions matter. In some cases, coaches may be the most influential adult figure in a young person’s life, Matthew explains. With our built-in negativity bias, it is easy for coaches to focus on the negative aspects, such as a player missing a catch or a goal. Negativity carries more weight than positivity, leaving coaches blinded to all the good things that are happening. For an impressionable young athlete who hasn’t fully developed his emotional intelligence, the negative feedback can have a powerful and lasting impact and can send the wrong message. Matthew believes that when coaches focus on strengths instead of weaknesses, they are rewiring their brains to spot the good. Making Real Impact In a recent study using a positive intervention of only focusing on strengths conducted at the Bunbury Cathedral Grammar School in Southwest Australia, researchers found an increase in athlete engagement, greater athlete resilience and a better understanding of athletes’ abilities from the coaches. Some feedback from coaches included a noticeable improvement, especially with the weaker players, and perseverance in situations that would have previously resulted in failure. From that same study, Matthew also saw girls particularly benefited in the area of negative affect, or poor self-concept. It is his theory that girls have to endure more negative messages from the outside world than boys. For example, women are still underrepresented in sports and often face objectification over talent. When the girls experienced coaching on their strengths, they excelled with more confidence in how they view themselves. The Whole System Model In order for it all to work, there must be a whole system approach, or what David Cooperrider, Ph.D., refers to as an appreciative inquiry approach. According to Matthew, this must include not only the coaches and the students, but schools and parents as well to ensure positive outcomes and thriving individuals. “I am confident that coaching young people in a manner that is positive and developmental has significant benefits to the individual athlete—social, mental health and sporting performance—the coach (team performance, well-being and confidence) and to society with sport having the opportunity to impact the well-being of the next generation of young people.” Positive results have been preliminary so far, but Matthew hopes that the continued use of positive sports coaching will further lead to better grades, improved health and stronger relationships. He is expected to release more results at the 2019 International Positive Psychology Association’s Sixth World Congress.

What if your child had a superpower that could help him or her be a nicer friend, a better student, make wiser choices and calm down from stressful situations? Laurie Grossman and Angelina Alvarez (Manriquez), co-authors of Master of Mindfulness: How to Be Your Own Superhero in Times of Stress, believe mindfulness is that superpower. “Kids having the ability to self-regulate, and to understand that is imperative,” Laurie says. “This is the most important tool that makes everything else work. If kids know how to calm down, then they know how to pay attention.” Laurie and Angelina’s book stems from their passion for the topic and highlights their work with Mason Musumeci’s fifth-grade class at Reach Academy in East Oakland, California, and the journey that these students made while practicing mindfulness. One technique used in the book is the Sharkfin, which is putting your hand in front of your face and slowly moving it down toward your chest. With your eyes closed and gentle breathing, you practice the five S’s: Sit up straight, sit still, sit silently, soft breathing and shut eyes. In the students’ own words, the book offers step-by-step instructions for mindful listening and breathing, including tips for specific situations such as bullying or problems at home. “If we can get kids to practice daily, just like brushing your teeth prevents cavities, practicing mindfulness can help the ravages of stress to not accumulate,” Laurie says. “If we teach them a tool, despite the craziness that is going on around them, they can find their center and their strengths.” If it were up to Laurie and Angelina, mindfulness would be part of every school's daily curriculum. “You can be really smart, but if you are thinking about what’s going on at home or if friends teased you, then you are not in the class with the teacher,” Laurie says. “What mindfulness does is it gets them in the class with the teacher.” Most of the kids in Reach Academy are no strangers to stress. Laurie says mindfulness creates a gap between emotion and reaction, giving the children a chance to calm down and make better decisions. Now, their fists of fury unclench while their Sharkfins go up. This not only makes life easier for the students and the teacher, but the knowledge of mindfulness creates a ripple effect that extends beyond the school. “What we are doing with awareness is creating space between what you feel and what you do,” Laurie says. “In that space lies freedom to choose how you will respond. That’s where the impulse control comes in. It is a proven stress reduction and it buildscommunity.”

We all want our kids to feel happy and carefree. But struggles with anxiety are a reality during childhood and more common than you may expect. One in eight children develop an anxiety disorder, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Building character strengths to combat these anxieties—such as resilience and bravery—provide an opportunity to grow stronger by overcoming challenges, which is an important and rewarding aspect of your child’s life. Karen Reivich, Ph.D., director of training programs for the Penn Positive Psychology Center and co-author of The Resilience Factor, believes there is room for a wide range of emotions, both positive and negative. “Well-being, in my mind, is having the tools to live a life where you have a healthy diet of positive emotion, like happiness, but also other emotions, like curiosity or gratitude or contentment....I don’t think a life well-lived is solely focused on happiness.” If it’s getting harder to reassure your child, or if anxiety is starting to affect family life or school performance, the anxiety may be pushing past healthy boundaries. Knowing how to spot the warning signs will help your child find his or her bravest self. When Not to Worry About Worry It’s not fun to watch kids wrestle with fears, but a little anxiety from time to time is part of life. It can even be a good thing. “There’s often a myth or misconception that anxiety is a negative or unhelpful emotion,” says Lindsay Scharfstein, Ph.D., a psychologist at the Center for Anxiety and Behavioral Change who specializes in working with children and families. “Anxiety helps us in so many ways. It helps us keep things that are important on our minds, like an exam coming up, or finding friendships.” We want young kids to feel anxious about crossing the street, for example, and separation anxiety in babies is a sign of healthy bonding with parents. Older kids may feel stage fright before a big performance they’ve been looking forward to for months. “Viewing anxiety in a positive light helps us change the experience. Maybe that’s excitement about trying something new,” Lindsay says. Looking for the positive side can help parents, too. Interpret test-day jitters as a sign of your child’s motivation, and you’ll feel less stressed and be able to help your child calm down. Lindsay says anxiety affects the whole family, not just the child, so take time to care for your own mental well-being. An article in Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review found that fear cues in parents’ language may be associated with children’s anxiety. When you’re positive and confident, you’re modeling a healthy outlook for your child. Positive Childhood Anxiety Busters Parents can practice easy techniques at home to chase anxious thoughts away. Fans of the Harry Potter series will remember that the Boggart, a magical monster, is defeated by laughter. It turns out this works in real life, too. “Humor takes the power out of [anxiety],” says Kathleen Trainor, Psy.D., founder of the TRAINOR Center and author of Calming Your Anxious Child: Words to Say and Things to Do. “A lot of these kids are very serious, they can be very smart, they’re overthinking everything. The introduction of humor puts everything in perspective.” Timing is important. Gently joking about a fear is helpful when the kid is calm and thinking clearly. But when your child’s feeling panicky, humor’s more likely to make her angry. Allison Edwards, play therapist and author of Why Smart Kids Worry: And What Parents Can Do to Help, also recommends finding a positive spin for common fears. Movies like Monsters, Inc. can inspire kids to reimagine their own bedtime monsters as friends and protectors. Allison teaches kids to recognize anxiety in their minds and bodies. When it’s time to calm down (such as at bedtime or before a big game), breathing exercises can help. Her “Square Breathing” tool involves inhaling, holding, exhaling and resting, each on a count of four. Sometimes, parents may decide they need professional support to help their children control anxiety. “There are three areas of a child’s life: school, home and friends. If your child is struggling in two out of three of those areas, I would go to a counselor for additional support,” Allison says. Facing Their Fears Your child’s age and personality can guide your approach to easing his fears. Often, parental instincts fit beautifully with expert recommendations. When Mikaela Devine’s toddler developed a fear of the vacuum, Mikaela, a wedding planner in Bowie, Maryland, had family members and friends take turns hugging the machine. After a while, her daughter wanted a turn, too. Reframing a frightening object as something safe, and even cuddly, can help little ones relax. “What excites me about this work is...it’s science catching up with Grandma,” Karen says. “Traditional wisdom about building a happy life, like counting your blessings, looking on the bright side or sharing something you’re grateful for over family dinner, teaches healthy mental habits.” Sarah Hash, a prenatal genetic counselor in Rockville, Maryland, noticed her kindergarten-aged kids were excited to sign up for T-ball or gymnastics classes, but got clingy and anxious at drop-off time. “What we started doing is meeting the teacher or coach beforehand if possible,” she explained. “We ask them to give our child a job, such as collect all the balls in this bag, line up all the teddy bears, sort mats, organize shoes—something. That gave the child a focus because they knew what to expect and it led to a better first or second day of this new activity.” Happier Kids, Happier Families One unexpected benefit of childhood anxiety is that kids have the chance to develop new strengths. “It’s a very positive and self-esteem building and affirming process to work through anxiety. They [children] can feel proud of themselves for what they’ve mastered,” Kathleen says. Skills like enhanced self-awareness, confidence and self-control help kids keep fears at bay and serve them for the rest of their lives. They may even develop greater empathy. “I do believe they develop compassion for other kids, who face other challenges.” Allison also sees anxiety itself as a potentially positive force. The key is to harness its power for good. “If you channel anxiety in the right way, you can actually become very successful. Most of the kids I work with are very high-performing kids, and if they didn’t have anxiety, they wouldn’t be that way. Most high-functioning people have traces of [anxiety] because they’re afraid not to try, [and] not to do well.” Confronting anxiety head-on can lead to positive changes for the whole family. When parents learn to work together to handle a child’s fears, it can ease any tensions anxious behavior is causing in the marriage. Therapists can give siblings their own projects to master, reducing jealousy over the extra attention an anxious child receives. Working together to get anxiety under control doesn’t only lead to happier, braver kids, but happier families as well.

A certain amount of stress is just part of the human experience. It’s natural. Yet too many people suffer with severe stress that disrupts sleep, work performance, health, relationships and life satisfaction. High stress often calls up its pal anxiety, and together they can stir up panic attacks that can interfere with a purposeful life. When we live at such a rapid pace, we may not even realize we are in a tense and stressed state. We reached out to Live Happy readers and staff for their best tips to reduce stress, quiet the mind and brighten your outlook. Dial back on detrimental stress with our 48 natural fixes to find your calm. Use the tips that resonate with you most! 1.       Practice Yoga. Slow down and connect. There’s a form of yoga for every preference. 2.      Enjoy a cup of hot tea. Sample different types until you find one that soothes you. Peppermint, chamomile and green tea will all do the trick. 3.      Meditate. Clear thoughts from your mind with deep breathing. Let the apps Headspace or Breethe become your mindfulness coach. 4.      Walk in nature. Fresh air, birds chirping, trees reaching to the sky and sunshine beaming down all have a calming effect on your mind. 5.      Try alternate nostril breathing. It’s called “Nadi shodhana” and it activates the parasympathetic nervous system to reduce blood pressure. 6.       Exercise. It’s just science. Regular workouts combat stress and give you a dose of feel-good endorphins. Plus, it helps you get a better night’s sleep making you more equipped to positively handle stress. 7.      Use essential oils. Just smelling a bit of lavender can help you shift to a calmer state. 8.     Have music you love readily available. Whether you use Pandora, Spotify, iTunes or something else, make sure you have music you love at your fingertips. Belt out your favorite song, blast your favorite band or go Zen with your tunes. Music is a powerful outlet and coping strategy all in one. (Loud rap music was a popular suggestion to de-stress.) 9.      Dance. Dancing can help release pent-up emotions. It’s a healthy way to escape stressors, and you also get the endorphins that come from exercise if you sweat it out. 10.  Stretch. It feels good, it’s good for you and it slows you down. 11.   Take a bath. Bubbles and dim lighting can create a relaxing atmosphere. Wine optional. 12.  Schedule acupuncture. A quiet dimly lit room and those tiny needles placed in your skin is an ancient Chinese practice thought to foster natural healing and boost immunity. 13.  Savor a glass of wine. Feet propped up of course. 14.  Pray. 15.  Listen to mantras. Repetitive sounds and positive sentences can reach the unconscious mind. Chant, listen to mantras or repeat them to yourself. 16.  Hike for the exercise benefits and the calming landscape. 17.   Get a full body massage. 18.  Try your hand at art. Paint. Color in an adult coloring book. Shape clay. Hands-on expression is a healthy outlet for stress. 19.  Clean. Vigorous cleaning can give you a sense of accomplishment and order. 20. Walk dogs. Two in one—walking and the calming effects of spending time with a pooch you love. Bonus. 21.  Count. The repetitive mundane task of counting can distract your mind when it goes to a worrisome place. 22. Sit on the patio. When is the last time you sat just to relax and do nothing? 23. Run. They call it runner’s high for a reason. There’s something magical about being able to lace up your shoes anywhere, open a door and go. 24. Punch a punching bag. Release stress through physical exertion. 25. Organize. Let’s face it. Stress is often caused by situations that feel out of our control. Organizing puts us back in the control seat and brings on the calm. 26. Talk therapy. A professional can help you process and rethink your beliefs. Gain new insights that empower you to defeat stress. 27.  Talk to friends. Social connectedness is directly related to our mental and physical health. 28. Sleep. Sleep is part of the big three—with the other two being nutritious food and exercise. Go for eight hours, even if you’ve tried to convince yourself you only need six. 29. Hug. Give them freely. Accept them regularly. 30. Reduce caffeine, alcohol or sugar. Consciously decide when you will have any of the three to regulate consumption. Overindulging can amp up stress. 31.  Cuddle with your significant other. Physical intimacy reminds us that we aren’t in this alone. 32. Garden. Flowers, vegetables or spices—make your choice to occupy your hands in the earth to feel grounded. 33. Replay fond memories like little movies in your mind. 34. List gratitude. Ask yourself what’s good right now. Train your brain to notice everything that’s going right in your life. 35. Journal. Get what’s churning in your head on paper. It’s just cathartic and often the process leads to solutions. 36. Smile. 37.  Do one nice thing for someone. It’s human nature to help and it feels good for the receiver and the giver. 38. Go fishing. 39. Try a mental shift. Realize you and your significant other are on the same side. Next time you get agitated about something your “other” has said or done, remind yourself that you’re on the same team. Choose not to react and watch the difference it makes. 40. Pet an animal. The repetitive motion and the loving care will relax you. 41.   Go near water—a pond, a lake or an ocean. Listening to or watching water has a soothing effect. 42. Savor a cup of coffee. 43. Listen to a Live Happy Now Podcast. 44. Watch a comedy show. Laughter is the best medicine. 45. Let it go. If you can’t control it or change it, consider letting it go. 46. Try labor rage. Curse like mad at those weeds while you are gardening. 47.  Laugh at yourself. Can’t find your keys (again!) or you trip on a curb? Smile and laugh at yourself. We’ve all been there. 48. Burn natural candles to inspire a peaceful environment in your home.

Vanna White pinches herself every day as the famous letter turner on the iconic TV game show Wheel of Fortune. “When I come to work, it’s a happy place. You turn your TV on and there is all this negative stuff going on, but you put our show on and it’s fun and uplifting,” she says, noting that she and host Pat Sajak have an absolute blast on set. “When you wake up in the morning excited about going to work, it feels great,” adds the star, who encourages everyone to find jobs theylove. How do you make others happy? I try to do some act of kindness every day. It might be as simple as when you are in the grocery line and somebody has three things, and you say, “Please go in front of me.” Or when I’m driving, especially in Los Angeles, which is known for its rude drivers, I will stop to let someone pull in front of me. I try to do things for other people that I would love to have done forme. What is the kindest act that someone has done for you? People are just so nice when they come up for an autograph or to say hello. We have the Make-A-Wish Foundation folks come to our show to fulfill their dreams of standing by the puzzle board and taking a picture with their names on it. There was one little girl who gave me a picture of herself sitting in a wheelchair on set. She was so thrilled to be there. It gave me such joy to give her joy. That’s why I do what I do. What moments on the show make you happy? A gentleman won a brand-new car on the show, and he turned to Pat and said, “I don’t have to take the bus anymore.” That was really touching. Aside from Wheel of Fortune, what do you watch to lift yourmood? I’m a huge fan of Fixer Upper. I put that show on all the time. It’s a nice escape where I don’t have to think about anything. I like the potential they see when they walk into an old house and then renovate the whole thing, and it’s absolutely beautiful. What are you most passionateabout? I’ve crocheted since I was 5 years old. My grandmother taught me. I even have my own line of yarn and donate half of my proceeds to St. Jude. I like to crochet baby blankets for gifts, and I constantly have a project going. I have one at work, in my car and by my bed. When is the last time you laughed out loud? Yesterday, because Pat is so funny. He’s always making little comments and makes me laugh every single day I’m with him! That’s a good relationship. We have been together 35 years on camera and have never had one argument. Where is your happy place? Being in nature or under an umbrella by the ocean. I have a balcony off my bedroom and I live in the hills, so I sit outside in the mornings and have my coffee and listen to the birds sing. I just love being Zen because life is so busy.

A long time ago, I memorized this part of the poem “‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers” by Emily Dickinson: “Hope” is the thing with feathers— That perches in the soul— And sings the tune without the words— And never stops—at all. I’ve often used it to provide comfort to friends and family in times of grief, to clients in times of personal suffering and to people in psychiatric institutions. It is a deep and meaningful perspective on what hope offers us. We all have that “thing with feathers” within us. We all have the capacity to feel hope, to think positively in tough times and to be future-minded in setting goals. Research shows that our strength of hope is made up of two important elements—think of these as the will and the way. The will is our motivation and our belief we can reach a goal. The way is our ability to come up with options to get that goal (e.g., recovering from a problem, accomplishing a task or life goal or making a challenging decision). Of the 24 character strengths, it is uncommon to have the strength of hope among our top 10 strengths. And, in study after study, it is one of two strengths that is most aligned with happiness. The good news is we can build up hope and reap its many benefits—physical, mental and social. Here are some tips from the science of positive psychology to help you start flexing your hope muscle! Visualize your best possible self one year from now. This might be your best self in a relationship, at work, in your community or just everyday life. Consider how to use your highest character strengths to reach your best possible self. Set a goal you would like to accomplish. Boost your hopeful thinking by writing down at least three ways to reach your goal, as well as the many reasons why you can reach it. Journal about one good event and one bad event in your life each week. Consider why the good events will last and how they relate to the actions you take. Then consider why the bad events will pass, why they are limited in their effect and why you aren’t completely to blame.