Practice | Live Happy

Finding Strength in Adversity

It’s not the hand you have been dealt, or even how much the deck is stacked against you. It’s how you play your cards.At least, that’s HollyRobinson Peete’s perspective. Holly and her husband, former NFLquarterback Rodney Peete, have beenblessed with success in their careers. Butcaring for Holly’s father, who wassuffering from Parkinson’s disease, tooka toll on their family, both financiallyand emotionally.Inspired by herpersonal adversities, the actress-turned-philanthropistnow advocates for thecauses dear to her. Wanting to give back “It’s such a take, take, take world, and when you give back, you balance outall of the things and the blessings you have received,” Holly says. “It has mademe a less judgmental person and a morepatient person. My desire to live a life ofservice all comes from situations thathave happened to me.” Holly says she spent years feelingsorry for herself, saying, “Why me?”“Why is this happening to my lovedones?” But shifting the focus fromwhatever is going on in her life to helpingpeople who are suffering has been a verycathartic process. Drawing strength from family She and Rodney started theHollyRod Foundation in 1997 to helpthose dealing with Parkinson’s diseaseafford their treatments and medications.And in 2000, their mission expanded toinclude autism when their eldest son,Rodney “RJ” Peete Jr., was diagnosedwith the disorder. “We try to do a lot ofawareness and alleviate some of theirday-to-day stresses,” she says. “Both themission and the desire to raise funds andadvocate for families came out of twosituations, one with my father and onewith my son.” Compassionate care By partnering with the Parkinson’sDisease and other Movement DisordersCenter at the Keck School of Medicineof the University of Southern California,the HollyRod Compassionate CareProgram provides assistance withconsultations, physical therapy,swallowing treatment and ambulationaids. In 2010, the HollyRod Foundation teamed up with nabi tablet creator Fuhu Inc. to launch the Give the Gift of Voicecampaign, offering nonverbal autisticchildren a means to communicate. “These kids can’t talk, but they havea lot to say,” Holly says. “We have to givethem the tools to be able toexpress themselves.” Looking toward the future Holly is trying to bring issues like autistic kids' tendency to wander off, and the transition fromadolescence to adulthood into thediscussion. The same questions andfears she has for her own son, she has forevery child growing up with autism,including, “How is he going to live onhis own?” “Who is going to hire him?”“How will he adjust and become aproductive citizen?” Holly and RJ were on a flight homeafter a trip to the Super Bowl in NewYork. The seats were small andconfined, and 6-foot-2-inch RJ was fidgety. Midway through the flight, thegentleman in front of RJ turned aroundand scolded him for kicking the backofhis seat. Putting it in perspective “There was a time when they wouldhave had to haul me off. As a mom,I would have said, ‘How dare you bedisrespectful,’ ” she says. “Now I say,‘I understand what you are saying,and if I were in your position I wouldfeel this way, too, but here’s the deal.’He moved on, and I could tell he feltbad….I think that is the difference in the15 years we have been dealing with this.” Because of their experiences, Hollysays she and her family are stronger,more gracious and happier. That’s theirwinning hand.

Giving

3 Building Blocks of Compassion

"There are several practices, or strategies,that help us cultivate compassion," saysJan Hutton, a certified CompassionateListening facilitator who works with theCompassionate Listening Project. "Together, they teach us to listen to theworld with a different ear, to see theother person’s humanity and to respondin a different way."1. Find peace in yourselfThe first step is being compassionate withyourself. “I have to own my ownvulnerability as a human being and use itas a bridge to someone else’s heart,” Janexplains. “I have to acknowledge mywounds, acknowledge my mistakes,acknowledge that I’m human,acknowledge that I have limits. And Ihave to be gentle with myself.”Don’tbeat yourself up or criticize yourselfwhen you make mistakes or don’t live upto your own or others’ expectations.Instead, simply remind yourself thatmistakes are something you share withevery other human on the planet. It’s abond that pulls all of us together.2. Listen and reflectListen with yourheart. When you talk with anotherperson, quiet your mind, focus on the them, look for a deeper point ofconnection and practice reflective listening. When someone explains howthey feel about something, Jan says,repeat it so they know you understand who they are, what they think and whatthey feel. Expect—and accept withoutjudgment or comment—points of viewthat are widely divergent from your own.As the late Gene Knudsen Hoffman,founder of the Compassionate ListeningProject, wrote: “We must listen with aspiritual ear,” not the ones we usuallywalk through the world with.3. QuestionAsk friends to tell youstories and then follow up with questionsto encourage deeper thinking, such as “How has this situation affected yourlife?” “What was that like for you?” and“Can you tell me what life experience ledyou to feel this way?”The approach works in three ways: First,it helps us better understand someoneelse’s life story. Second, it allows usto sense our shared humanity. And,third, it helps us practice maintainingan attitude of acceptance so we avoidjudgments that are really results of ourbiases and fears.

Giving

30 Days of Giving

1. “I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver.” —Maya Angelou2. Become an organ donor.3. Listen to “Kind & Generous,” by Natalie Merchant.4. ReadThe Giving Book: Open the Door to a Lifetime of Givingby Ellen Sabin.5. Watch Bill and Melinda Gates’ TED Talk: "Why giving away our wealth has been the most satisfying thing we've done.”6. “It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.”―Mother Teresa7. Give a compliment. It’s free.8. Listen to Josh Groban’s “You Raise Me Up.”9. Read Taylor's Gift: A Courageous Story of Giving Life and Renewing Hope, by Todd and Tara Storch.10. Read or watch Charlotte’s Web.11. “We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” ―Winston Churchill12. Tell a joke: Give the gift of laughter.13. Listen to “Give to Live,” by Sammy Hagar14. Read I Like Giving: The Transforming Power of a Generous Life, by Brad Formsma.15. Give a huge hug to your dad.16. “When you're nice to people, they want to be nice back to you.” —Jack Canfield17.WatchIt Could Happen to You.18. Watch Up.19. Read Same Kind of Different As Me, by Ron Hall, Denver Moore and Lynn Vincent.20. "Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth." —Mohammed Ali21. Put an extra dollar in the tip jar.22. Listen to “The Secret of Giving,” by Reba McEntire.23. Give $20 to your favorite charity—or find a new worthy cause.24. “Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.” —Rev. Jesse Jackson25. Take food to a friend who is sick or feeling down.26. Listen to “Gift” by O.A.R.27. Call your grandma!28. Read The Giver, by Lois Lowry.29. Watch As Good as It Gets.30. Adopt a rescue dog.

Volunteering

Adventures on Two Wheels

Before going on a bike ride with Trips for Kids, many of trip leader Michael Rogers' young riders had never been to the ocean.These are teens and tweens from Oakland, Calif., a city located directly on the Pacific Ocean, mind you. Some of them have views of the San Francisco Bay right from their bedroom windows. But they'd never seen it in person: dazzling sand, vivid blue water, waves foaming and breaking in a way that that's far more immense and awe-inspiring than it looks on TV or a movie screen."Talk about something that can transform you," says Michael, a perpetually smiling man with a head of springy blond curls. "No one ever thought to take them there. They never thought to walk there or take the bus. But once we take them on a bike, they know there's something amazing practically in their own backyards that they can go to any time."Biking for changeTrips for Kids is an international nonprofit with more than 80 chapters in the U.S., Canada, Israel and Sierra Leone that leads mountain biking trips for at-risk kids. The most active chapter is the Marin/Bay Area location, where Marilyn Price kicked the program off in 1988. Marilyn estimates the Marin chapter takes 1,600 kids ages 9 to 17 a year on rides. They are referred to the organization by schools and social service agencies who are trying to keep these young people on the right track.Michael, an intrepid bicyclist who leads trips five days a week, says something magic happens when he coaches a group of teens through hair-raising trails."When I'm working with older kids, I want them to explore the boundaries of physical exhaustion and where it meets with euphoria," says Michael. "When you push yourself to do something dangerous you've never done before, it makes you feel things you haven't felt before."Nature is nurturingHarvard Medical School professor of psychiatry Dr. John Ratey, author of Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brainand forthcoming book Go Wild, tends to agree.He says that exercise in any form increases the levels of neurotransmitters in the brain, activates endorphins, and encourages the production of BDNF, an important protein that John calls "Miracle-Gro for the brain." BDNF is also intimately bound up with depression: The less your brain has to work with, the more likely you are to be depressed."And then when you're cycling, particularly mountain biking, you're using your sense of balance, and alertness, you're varying your speed, you're watching what's ahead, what's on your side," says Dr. Ratey. "It all leads to a very active brain. And when the brain is active, it releases all those chemicals that make you smile."The group that rides together, confides togetherYes, there is that, Michael agrees. But there's something else, too. The riders are facing the (mild) danger of their rides together, screaming out encouragement, high-fiving when they all make it to the bottom of the hill together."If a kid falls they might laugh, but if someone's having trouble getting up a hill, everyone claps and says 'Go, go, go! You can do it!' And they always do! Having that kind of support, being with a group of people, working hard on something, and then making it happen -- I can't think of a better metaphor for life: You put in the hard work of getting to the top, and then there's the long, amazing ride down."The teens and tweens talk about things on the rides, too, says Michael. Personal things. Things they may not be able to tell the kids they know at school, or their parents. They connect, and learn that many of them share the same problems."It's all very natural; the kids don't even realize they're getting fed information about making better choices," says Michael.Open your psycheParents who have noticed they have great conversations with the kids while driving would agree: There's something special about talking with other people while you're not staring each other in the eye. When you're both engaged in something taking part of your concentration, the pressure's off to fill awkward silence. Interesting things emerge."And so the Trips for Kids riders befriend each other in this easy, simple way, while at the same time connecting with nature as well as their own psyches.And these bike riding bonding experiences can be monumental and even life-changingevents for adult as well as kids. As Barb Chamberlain, the executive director of Spokane bike advocacy organization Washington Bikes, wrote in a recent series about how cycling every day changed her life:"Adults don’t have many playgrounds: Places in which to hang out with a stranger side by side, testing the same new experience or challenge, and starting to talk with each other or help each other out, thus easing into a new relationship. In grade school that swing set or tetherball encounter might launch a lifelong friendship simply through the shared activity that gives you time to talk and get to know each other.""When you're on a bike, you're free. Not just free, but unbound," says Michael, a faraway look in his eye. "There's nothing between you and the wind and the air. It's exhilarating. It's like nothing else."Interested in volunteering or learning more about biking for fitness, friendship or philanthropy? Trips for Kids has chapters all over the country. And many metropolitan areas have community-based cycling organizations, such asAtlanta's Beltline Bike Shop or Seattle's Bike Works.Joyce Slatonis a freelance writer who lives in San Francisco. She blogs regularly for Babycenter.com.

Sharing

Scouting for Happiness

When it was time for the Girl Scouts of Troop 41645 in Cincinnati to choose their Bronze Award project, they came up with a simple but ambitious goal: To make the world a better place. And, after brainstorming ideas, they decided the best way to do that was simply to make people happier. “Once we decided to do that, we started talking about reasons why people weren’t happy,” says Carrie Wagner, co-leader for the Troop. “We talked about war, depression, loneliness—we talked about all the reasons people were sad, and why it was important for them to smile more and how we could make them do that.” The girls came up with the idea of a “smile campaign,” called “Smile, the World Needs It,” which launches June 1 and will run for 30 days. Each troop member created a card designed to make someone smile, then the troop voted on their four favorite designs. Those cards were then printed up and the girls are given 30 cards at a time to hand out to people they see. They can hand them to strangers at the mall, to people who buy cookies or just to anyone who looks like they need a reason to smile. The Bronze Award is the highest honor that a Girl Scout can achieve, and it requires that the entire team develop an idea, create initiatives and then put that plan in motion. The girls in the Troop range from age 9 to 13. The goal of the project, as outlined by the Troop, is to “educate friends, neighbors, colleagues, acquaintances and make new friends promoting happiness and smiling to all.” They also are researching reasons why people are not happy and will use their discoveries to “work to change the way people think about happiness.” Cards of happiness Karen Strasser, co-leader, says they have already printed 700 cards, but hope to hand out at least 5,000 cards during the month-long campaign. Each girl is asked to personalize the cards she hands out by writing her own message about smiling or happiness on the back. As part of the project, each girl must also submit four random acts of kindness that she participated in and must submit four reasons to “smile and be happy.” The troop leaders will post those acts and reasons on the campaign’s Facebook page during the month of June. Troop members will encourage everyone they meet to follow them on Facebook, and to “look in the mirror and work on being a more positive person.” Kylie, who designed one of the cards being used, says the movement could help curb sadness in the community. “There are so many people who are rude or not happy,” she says. “It makes the people who are happy kind of sad, so we want to make everybody happy.” And Troop member London says that she has noticed recently that so many people seem unhappy. She hopes this campaign will make a difference. “I’ve noticed from watching the news that there are a lot of bad things happening,” she says, “and this is one way to change that.” Although the campaign has not yet started, the girls say they already feel happier just by working on the project.

Giving

A Voice of Compassion

The purpose of life is to be happy,the Dalai Lama says. The keyto happiness is compassion. “If you wish to be happy,demonstrate compassion. If you wantothers to be happy, demonstratecompassion,” the 78-year-old Tibetanspiritual leader tells a packed audienceat Santa Clara University in the heart of California’s Silicon Valley.On thisday in late February, he recounts a storyfrom his early childhood in Tibet. Helived in a farming community and his mother would carry him on her back asshe went about her work. But he, too,had places he wanted to go and he wouldtry to manipulate her movements by pulling on one of her ears to turn right,the other to turn left. The memoryleaves the recipient of the 1989 NobelPeace Prize laughing out loud. Hismother’s love, he says, was the seedfrom which his own compassion grew.We are all born with that seed ofcompassion, he says, but in a worldwhere too many people are self-centered and materialistic, focusedon their own immediate gratification,true concern for the wellbeing of others often fails to take root.Growing the seedOnly recently, he says, he was in a carpassing through a neighborhood inDelhi, India. People were hurrying from one place to another, and throughthe swarm of moving figures, he caughtsight of a disabled girl trying to walk, notwith crutches, but with two large sticksshe had found. He noticed her sunkeneyes, two orbs full of hopelessness. Noone was paying any attention to her,just sidestepping her briskly. It madehim sad, he says, and it supportedhis sincere belief that compassionmust be taught in society, must bepart of the educational curriculum.“Education, from kindergarten upto the university level, must include theteaching of compassion, the teachingof warmheartedness,” he says.And how do you teach someoneto have more regard for others?Exercising the compassion muscleJust as one can develop a strongphysical constitution, he says, onecan also train one’s mind and heartto be more aware of others.It’s a topic he addresses in An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life.He writes, “Initially, the positiveemotions derived from cultivating ourhigher natures may be weak, but wecan enhance them through constantfamiliarity, making our experiences ofhappiness and inner contentment farmore powerful than a life abandonedto purely impulsive emotions.”People typically think of thecompassion they feel or act on assomething that is good for the recipient,not necessarily something that benefits them. But being compassionate isactually good for the giver, bothphysically and mentally. “Compassionbrings mental peace, mental comfort,”the Dalai Lama says. “If you justtend to oneself, you suffer more.”A more self-centered attitude leads tomore anxiety, more stress, he adds.In his 2007 book, How to See Yourself As You Really Arethe Dalai Lama writesthat the compassionate person is the “one who benefits most directly sincecompassion immediately instills in you asense of calm inner strength, and a deepconfidence and satisfaction ... Love andcompassion open our own inner life,reducing stress, distrust and loneliness.”Positive attractionAs long as we live in this world, he says, we are bound to encounter difficulties, but we can use these as opportunitiesto grow and improve our minds. How?By realizing our own suffering and paindon’t make us different or set us apartfrom others. Everyone suffers and facesproblems; everyone wants happinessand contentment.The understandingthat we are all in this together canhelp us develop empathy for others and a desire to remove their pain. Theresult, he says, is an increase in ourown serenity and inner strength.That sort of compassion takes a firm commitment, he says. It meansbeing compassionate toward people,even if they behave in ways that arenegative or disruptive. Whetherpeople are rich or poor, mean ornice, ultimately, they are all humanbeings who have a right to overcomesuffering and be happy. Having thisuniversal sense of altruism is noteasy, but by recognizing we are allequal in our desires, we can beginto feel responsibility for othersand help them actively overcometheir problems, he says.A garden of thought and actionWhen we engage in ordinaryconversations in our daily lives, wehave a tendency to steer away fromthose who speak harshly or withoutempathy, he says. But if a personspeaks with affection and respect,we are drawn to him or her,evenif the topic is unimportant.“We are living beings. Somepeople say even flowers grow betterunder positive words,” he says witha smile. “That I don’t know!”In The Art of Happiness,the DalaiLama writes that the best use of ourlimited time here on this planet is toserve other people and if not, to atleast refrain from harming them. “The purpose of our life needs tobe positive,” he writes. “We weren’tborn with the purpose of causingtrouble, harming others. For ourlife to be of value, I think we mustdevelop basic good human qualities warmth, kindness, compassion.Then our life becomes meaningfuland more peaceful—happier.”

Bruce Feiler's book, The Secrets of Happy Families

Reading

Library—The Secrets of Happy Families

Want a happier family?Bruce Feiler’s The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Tell Your Family History, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much Moreis a guidebook full of tested ideasand tips. Bruce interviewedbusiness leaders in a varietyof fields to collect the bestteam-building and problem-solvingtechniques, andtried them out with his ownfamily.He suggests holding weekly family meetings andplaying a game to kick themoff. Ask three questions:What went well in the familythis past week? What couldwe do better? What thingswill we commit to workingon in the coming week?If kids tend to squabble at dinner, he suggests giving siblings a jointactivity 20 minutes prior tomealtime to reduce fights byreaffirming their connection.Are your kids not sharing?Dim the lights. Turns outmood lighting encourages social interaction andopen conversation.Instead of pushing sportson your child, Bruce advises,wait for your child to pushyou. Kids won’t learn howto drive themselves if theyare always driven by parents. In addition, he advises, don’t link allowanceto chores, so kids learnresponsibility is just partof being a family.There isno magic lever for happyfamilies, but families can make their own happiness with lots of micro-steps.

Giving

9 Gifts for Mom on May 11

With so many holidays to remember each year, it’s no wonder that the occasional celebration escapes our notice. But of all holidays—religious, secular or totallymade-up—theone you least want to forget is Mother’s Day. So before May 11 arrives, we are giving you a subtle heads-up that you might want to start thinking about a gift. Here are some ideas that are sure to make her happy.Make a giftFirst and foremost, if you have a talent for crafting, knitting or creating bits and baubles, this is a great time to put it to use. Moms don’t stop loving our creations because we got older. The fact that you went to the trouble to make something yourself still counts for a lot.Have someone else make a giftIf crafting isn’t your thing, you can still get your mothersomething with artisanal charm fromEtsy.They carry pretty much everything, from jewelry to artwork to clothing, all made by hand.Feed your momIt’s hard to imagine a mom that would not appreciate a nice home-cooked meal. If you aren't the master chef type, taking her out to dinner is always a safe option.Give her a breakMany moms would appreciate the opportunity to enjoy a relaxing day either alone or with someone she loves and cares about. It could be a spa visit, a trip to a museum or just someplace you know she really loves.Give to a good causeWhat do you get for the mom who has everything? If your mother already has all thechotchkesshe can handle, consider donating a small sum to one of her favorite organizations.Keeping it simpleMother’s Day CardIf you are going for just a card only this year, make sure if it personal and beautiful (of funny and silly, depending on your mother’s personality). Write something that conveys your appreciation for all she does.Gift CardHere's a safe bet. If you aren’t sure what to get, but know where she likes to shop, give mom the opportunity to pick out her own gift and get exactly what she wants.A mug for momYou get the idea.If all else failsFlowers.

Sharing

30 Days of Laughter

We continue our Year of Happiness with 30 days of Laughter. Pick and choose your favorite ideas from our list of things to do, watch, read, contemplate… and share! 1. “We don’t laugh because we’re happy; we’re happy because we laugh.” — William James 2. ReadBossypantsby Tina Fey. 3. Attend a laughter yoga class. 4. Watch Airplane! 5."The first thing that you lose on a diet is brain mass." —Margaret Cho 6. “If you’re too busy to laugh, you are too busy.”—Proverb 7. "When I’m sad, I can usually cheer myself up by singing because my voice is worse than my problems." —Anonymous 8. Go to a comedy club and support up-and-coming comics. 9. Watch Modern Family. 10. Read Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denimby David Sedaris—out loud. 11. Listen to a comedy album by Maria Bamford. 12. The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor and says, “Make me one with everything.” 13. Ask a child to tell you a joke. 14. Watch old episodes of Friends. 15. Read the “Banana” poem by Melissa Balmain: Bananas are clannish, bananas are true— an interdependent and unified crew. One day they're all greenish and hard as bamboo; the next, they conspire to rot through and through. So if a well-ripened banana’s for you, then keep the thing lonely, whatever you do. — from Walking in on People (available in June) 16.Try to get your dog to smile. 17. Teach your kids “The Song that Never Ends.” 18. "I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone." — Stephen Wright 19. “The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.” — Mark Twain 20. Watch George Lopez's HBO special. 21. Read This Time Together: Laughter and Reflectionby Carol Burnett. 22. Watch Black-ish. 23. The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense. 24. Listen to a comedy record by George Carlin. 25. Watch National Lampoon’s Vacation. 26. ReadFunnyboneby Pearce W. Hammond. 27. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” —Charlie Chaplin 28.Watch anything with Bill Murray and/or Gilda Radner. 29. Blow bubbles with your kids. 30. “Laughter is an instant vacation.” —Milton Berle

Father and daughter look at phone smiling and happy

Sharing

31 Days of Sharing

We continue our Year of Happiness with 31 days of sharing. Pick and choose your favorite ideas from our list of things to do, watch, read, contemplate… and share! 1. “Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.” ―Dalai Lama 2. Read The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. 3. Listen and watch the "Sharing Song" by Jack Johnson. 4. Share your favorite recipe with Foodily. 5. Donate. 6. “We are not cisterns made for hoarding, we are channels made for sharing.” ―Billy Graham 7. Share a parable. 8. Watch Rachel Botsman’s TED Talk on the case for collaborative consumption. 9. How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together! 10. Read Should I Share My Ice Cream? by Mo Willems. 11. Listen to "Let’s Share" by Renee & Jeremy. 12. Watch Pay it Forward. 13. Teach someone to fish. 14. Share you knowledge with the world through the iTunes U app. 15. “If you are really thankful, what do you do? You share.” ―W. Clement Stone 16. Read Mine! by Shutta Crum. 17. Watch Freedom Writers. 18. “Love only grows by sharing. You can only have more for yourself by giving it away to others.” ―Brian Tracy 19. Share your skills in your community. 20. Download MyFitnessPal and share your goals. 21. Read Snow in Jerusalem by Albert Whitman. 22. “Happiness is like a kiss. You must share it to enjoy it.” ―Bernard Meltzer 23. What kind of shoes does a panda wear? None! He has bear feet! 24. Host a neighborhood potluck. 25. Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One turns to the other and says, “Is it getting hot in here?” The other says, “Holy smoke! A talking muffin!” 26. “In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.” ―Khalil Gibran 27. Watch The Blind Side. 28. Read The Power of Giving by Azim Jamal and Harvey McKinnon. 29. “Happiness quite unshared can scarcely be called happiness; it has no taste.” ―Charlotte Brontë 30. Read Oh The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Suess. 31. Read more ideas on sharing and come back in April for our 30 ideas of laughter.

Finding Strength in Adversity

3 Building Blocks of Compassion

Adventures on Two Wheels

A Voice of Compassion

Library—The Secrets of Happy Families

9 Gifts for Mom on May 11

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