Loneliness doesn’t always look the way people expect. The emotion is often taken at face value and thought of as something that comes from spending too much time alone. Research shows it’s far more complicated. A person may have a partner or exchange texts and phone calls with friends and family regularly and still feel a strong sense of loneliness.
Experts say the emotion can’t be boiled down to the amount of social contact a person experiences. Dr. Jeremy Nobel, founder of the Project UnLonely initiative, explains: “It’s subjective, it’s a feeling, it’s a mood state. It’s the difference between the social connections with other people that we would like to have and what we feel we do have. That gap is what we experience as loneliness. It has nothing to do with whether there are other people around you. It’s whether you have the social connections you want.”
WHY LONELINESS CAN FEEL STRONGER AFTER CONNECTION
A study published in The Journals of Gerontology found that older adults were more likely to reach for their phones to call a loved one when they felt alone. While a call may provide comfort in the moment, the study revealed that only in-person contact was effective at providing a lasting reduction in loneliness.
Some people may notice an increase in loneliness after a phone call ends. This could be related to the “contrast effect,” known in psychology as a cognitive bias in which a person’s perception changes when compared directly with a recent experience. In this case, the emotional warmth of a phone call could make the return to solitude feel more noticeable or uncomfortable.
The research suggests that human connection is built through more than conversation alone. In-person interaction may not create the same emotional drop-off because it often provides a deeper sense of connection through the benefits of face-to-face communication. Nonverbal cues such as eye contact, facial expressions, physical touch, and body language all add up to help people feel more understood and emotionally supported.
This doesn’t mean phone calls are unhelpful. For many, they serve as meaningful connections to friends and family and can provide comfort and stability. However, lasting relief from loneliness may depend on more than simply staying in touch.
WAYS TO FEEL MORE CONNECTED
Participate in shared activities. Spending time with others while participating in a shared activity can help deepen existing relationships while creating opportunities to form new friendships along the way! Joining a walking group, taking a class, or participating in a hobby group can help older adults feel connected and create a sense of rhythm and stability that can foster this connection over time.
Build everyday social connections. Casual social interactions can play an important role in emotional well-being. A friendly conversation with a neighbor, a barista at your local coffee shop, or the morning cashier at the grocery store can all add up to create a greater sense of belonging. These everyday moments can help people feel seen, familiar, and part of a larger community.
Get online — intentionally. While social media is frequently blamed for increasing loneliness, that isn’t always the case. Research highlighted in the World Happiness Report suggests that older adults may be more likely to use social media to maintain relationships, making it as a bridge between in-person interactions. A video call with a grandchild or interacting with an online community centered around a shared interest can help maintain relationships. The key is to use social media for connection rather than passive consumption.
Give back. Dr. Jeremy Nobel encourages building connection by contributing to a meaningful cause. Volunteering, mentoring, or participating in community events can help older adults feel needed, valued, and connected to a larger sense of meaning and belonging.
Loneliness is not a personal failure or an inevitable experience of aging. Although brief moments of connection like a phone call or text can provide comfort, a lasting sense of belonging can grow through consistent, emotionally supportive relationships and shared experiences. The goal isn’t to avoid being alone — it’s to close the gap between the connection people want and the connection they feel in everyday life.
