Transcript - Destressing From the Holidays With Travis McNulty

Follow along with the transcript below for episode: Destressing From the Holidays With Travis McNulty

[INTRODUCTION]

[0:00:04] PF: Thank you for joining us for episode 548 of Live Happy Now, we have now officially entered the holiday season, which means some of us are already starting to feel a little bit stressed. I’m your host, Paula Felps. And this week, I’m joined by licensed mental health counselor Travis McNulty, Clinical Director and Founder of McNulty Counseling and Wellness in Florida.

He’s here to talk about how we can de-stress this holiday season and overcome the emotional overwhelm that keeps the season from being its merriest. Travis shares tips to help us ward off seasonal anxiety before it sets in and tells us how setting better boundaries can turn holiday chaos into calm. Let’s have a listen.

[INTERVIEW]

[0:00:45] PF: Travis, thank you for joining me on the show this week.

[0:00:49] TM: Of course. Thanks for having me. I’m excited to connect.

[0:00:52] PF: Oh, yes. So am I. Because it is the holiday season, which means everybody is incredibly busy, and that’s why I wanted to talk to you. We wanted to really talk about how we can address that emotional overwhelm that accompanies this season. To start this off, let’s start with a seemingly simple question that is why do the holidays cause so much stress for us?

[0:01:13] TM: Yeah, absolutely. And it’s a great question, and I think it’s so easy for us to get sidetracked in what the ideal holiday looks like. We watch Hallmark, and we see everybody’s opening presents, the families getting along, snow’s falling down. But I think the holidays can be so much different depending on family dynamics, but also the weight that we carry from like a performance-based perspective from going in from our careers, into family life and transitioning. And I think the brain just becomes habituated and desensitized into perform perform perform. And then when it comes to, “Okay, let’s chill and relax,” it’s really difficult to downregulate that nervous system.

[0:01:56] PF: Do we have some culpability in this stress that we feel? Do we start dreading it? Do we start going, “Oh my god, this is going to be horrible?” Do we kind of set ourselves up to get stressed out for the holidays?

[0:02:07] TM: Yeah, absolutely. I think, again, it goes back to more our expectations for how the holidays are supposed to be versus what usually happens in reality. And I think a lot of people can become desensitized into thinking, “Oh, this holiday is going to be different, and things are going to be fantastic.” But then we have kids, again, family members, you name it. We have so many different stressors around the holidays. And it’s important for us to stay grounded by really taking an introspective look into going, “How do I want my holiday to go this year? What does it look like? What’s realistic? And what’s sustainable throughout the holidays?” As opposed to everything’s going to be perfect, because then you end up setting yourself up for failure.

[0:02:50] PF: Yeah. Because we know they’re coming every year. Why don’t we have better tools to prepare for them?

[0:02:55] TM: How the brain works in terms of whenever you walk into an environment? For example, you walk into your home that you haven’t been in in 10 years, we slip into almost like a role regression, right? We regress into childhood roles. Where adults, we reunite with families. We slip back into these old emotional roles, right? The fixer, the overachiever, the invisible one, the peacemaker.

And I think when you’re already coming into December already somewhat depleted, and then you go to, “Okay, I’m going to go into my old house with my old friends, my old family members.” And I don’t know about you, but when I go home, I see old trophies, I see pictures. I mean, it’s literally like a time capsule, I guess, going back home, and not a lot has changed. So, it’s like there’s this internal conflict that happens where it’s like, “Who was I before and who am I now?” And so, those emotional experiences can present in different ways when we’re triggered by certain things in our environment that may not necessarily be conducive to who we are now.

[0:04:02] PF: So, then, how does holiday stress differ from the stress that we feel every day? Because all of us are under some sort of stress and pressure 24/7.

[0:04:12] TM: Yeah, absolutely. And I think our nervous system remembers, again, going back to those childhood roles. So these holidays activate old patterns stored in this nervous system. So it may not necessarily be a different stress from a physiological perspective, but it is something that can recur over and over. And it’s very difficult for, I think, a lot of people to overcome it or understand why they behave differently during the holidays, and how certain aspects of their lives can subconsciously be triggered and dictate behaviors that we’re not always proud of. Or it can also – on the other end, it can allow us to relax and enjoy the holidays as well.

[0:04:59] PF: I’m interested to see how people respond to the holidays. I have friends that, when they go back, literally, this guy and his brother get into a fist fight. A fist fight. They’re now in their 30s. And it’s like, “Wait a minute.” Because he’s not the kind of guy that’s going to get into a fight normally. And it’s like, “How does this happen?” So, what is it that goes on in our brains that just switches back to some other mode?

[0:05:25] TM: Let me give you an example. You’re a lion tamer, right?

[0:05:29] PF: How did you know?

[0:05:32] TM: I put you into a a lion cage, and it’s your first time. The first thing that you’re going to do, you see this lion, and it’s scary. So, your physiological response is, “I’m in danger. I’m in fear. I’m in this fight or flight mode.” Right? Adrenaline, testosterone, cortisol, all these things that protect from death, ultimately keeping you alive, are released in this lion cage.

Now, over time, you learn how to deal with the lions, and you’re trained, “Okay, if I do this, then my brother will do this. If I do that, my brother will react in this way.” And as time goes on, you spend time in this lion cage with this lion, a.k.a. the brother in this example, right? As time progresses, we’ve learned to deal with them, and you don’t become as activated.

Now, if I take you outside of this lion cage, though, and five or six years go by, but I put you back into the lion cage, even if the lion’s not there, your brain subconsciously is triggered by, “Hey, this is an environment in which I perceive as threat. And if I don’t act in certain ways that were adaptive at the time, then I’m not going to survive.”

Now, it’s crazy to think actually how the brain works in that capacity where it’s literally translating different messages and biochemical signals throughout the body that I am under perceived threat. I am stressed out to the absolute max, and I need to either fight or flight. For that example with your friend who literally fist-fights his brother, the only thing that he knew how to handle this situation growing up was, “This thing causes me threat or harm, I’m going to either fight, or flight, or run away.” Right?

So, it’s really important going into the holidays that people do some sort of introspection and understand whether it’s the people they’re going to be around or the environment they’re going to be around so that they can adequately prepare in, “How did I react before? How would I like to react in the future?” Understand the triggers associated with these types of people, so that when they do come up, they have more of – they’re able to reframe their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors so that they’re not as reactive as they once were, which again mitigates the maladaptive behavioral pattern, so that you can live peacefully, you can enjoy your time with your brother, and it’s not going to be this fist fight, knockdown, drag out every single time you see him.

[0:08:06] PF: Right. Right. Since this is such a specific form of stress and anxiety, are there specific tools that we can use during this time of year to help manage that overwhelm that a lot of people are feeling?

[0:08:18] TM: Yeah, Paula, I think the number one thing and the easiest anti-depressant out there is physical activity, exercise. Before you go, get in your car, you’re going to go sit in traffic. People are going to be beeping. Everybody’s still in a rush even though it is the holidays. I think the easiest thing that you can do and what I tell my clients is exhaust the body, tame the mind.

[0:08:40] PF: Oh, I love that.

[0:08:41] TM: Yeah. You’re able to actually work out all of those chemicals, the testosterone, the hormones, you get diaphragmatic breathing in, and that’s just belly breathing. It helps your brain understand that you’re not actually in a state of fight or flight. And what that is is breathing very deep through the actual abdomen. And it’s something that we’re not accustomed to, especially with a sedentary lifestyle. We’re sitting at desks all day. We’re breathing from our chest, very shallow. You could do this by taking in 4 seconds in through the nose, holding it for 4 seconds, and then releasing for another 8 seconds.

And what this does is it tricks your brain into actually feeling like you are in a 100% relaxed state, even though you’re exposed to certain environmental triggers that would put you in that fight or flight state, as if you were in front of this lion, or something’s attacking you. It overrides your nervous system so you’re able to relax and be at peace anywhere, anytime.

[0:09:41] PF: And that is a really good trick, tool, tip, whatever we want to call it, for people to learn before they have to get into traffic, before they jump on that plane, before they get back into those holiday environments, because it works anywhere. And nobody has to know you’re doing it.

Obviously, if you need to take a brisk walk, people are going to notice that. But breathing is something you can even – if you need to excuse yourself and step into another room, and do a few minutes of just deep breathing, and it can completely reset you. I think that’s a fantastic tool for someone to have in their toolkit as they go into the season.

[0:10:20] TM: Absolutely.

[0:10:21] PF: Or another thing that gets that overwhelm going is that we have this pool of so many activities and so many demands. We have family members, we have friends who want to get together and do our holiday thing. We have work obligations. We are trying to shove a lot of activity into a short time span. And then on top of that, we have our regular lives, and we have to shop. And everybody who’s listening to this is just like, “Okay, thanks. You just reminded me of how much I have to do.” So, y’all are welcome for that.

What are some strategies that we can use to kind of set boundaries in these different areas so that we aren’t just making it – sometimes getting to Christmas feels like you’re just like dragging yourself across this finish line, and you’re completely depleted, and you don’t really enjoy the day because you’re just so exhausted. How do we set boundaries beforehand so we can really walk into those last few days of the holiday season and enjoy them?

[0:11:15] TM: Yeah, I think a lot of society, and American society specifically, runs off of performance-based esteem. How well I do in this area is how I will determine how I feel about myself in any given day. Whether it’s from kids in school, academics, to work, to how I show up as a partner. And I think the biggest thing that my clients, especially higher performers, do is set unrealistic expectations for themselves. And it sounds so silly and easy to do. You would think, “Why doesn’t everybody do this?” But if I tell you, you got to perform at a 10 out of 10, most of your listeners are probably going to say, “Okay. Well, how do I get to an 11?” And then once I do get to that 10, well, I could have done this better.

Give yourself some grace. Identify exactly what does look like the perfect holiday season for you. How can I show up as a partner, as a father, or a mother, as a family member in my career? Also, for yourself. Not forgetting yourself. That’s like the biggest thing. Because if you can identify that ahead of time, then if you’re in this mindset of constantly trying to overperform, you’ll never be able to enjoy it. You’ll feel stressed out the entire holidays, and then it’s just going to be this – there’s a point of regression where you’re going to be unhappy.

[0:12:35] PF: We’ll be right back with more of Live Happy Now.

[BREAK]

[0:12:44] PF: And now, let’s hear more from Travis McNulty. With some people, you can actually say, “Yes, we’ve got to get together for the holidays, but let’s do it after the new year.” Not everything is mandatory. I know a company that does that. They have their holiday party the first weekend of the new year, because it’s like let’s give everybody – let everybody get through the Christmas, Hanukkah, all of that celebration. And then we can have them – when they’re when everyone’s not just looking at their watch and saying, “I got to get out of here.”

[0:13:15] TM: Yeah. And I think our practice, we actually thought about doing that this upcoming January. Because it is. It’s tough to get everybody together. And everybody does want to you – want to see each other. But again, it comes down to setting these personal boundaries and going, “What am I capable of? What’s my bandwidth here?” And then identifying, “Okay. For me, for my family, and for my career, these are the things that I want to achieve and enjoy.” I think a lot of people, it’s like I have to have the best time. But instead of focusing on having the best time and squeezing all the juice out of everything, it’s just a matter of trying to find that balance to where you’re around the people that you want to be around. There are going to be some people that you’re not always going to want to be around. But I think having boundaries for yourself, for the time that you’re spending with certain people, and just thinking about it.

Because we get so busy in our day-to-day that – I know for me, Thanksgiving’s on Thursday. And I forget what week it is sometime. I have two young kids at home, and it’s very easy for me to just go go go. And then it’s like, “Oh, Thanksgiving’s here. And I haven’t even thought about any of it.” You’re this high-performing individual where you’re constantly trying to be on. And then the holiday sneaks up on you, sand then it’s like, “Okay, I’m going to keep being on.” But this is a time to relax and enjoy as much it is to spend as much time with the people who you really love to be around.

[0:14:41] PF: How do we learn to give ourselves permission to say no to things that we don’t want to do? There are expectations. And I know this is a big, big struggle for a lot of women that I know. How do we manage that?

[0:14:59] TM: Yeah. Again, I think, for me, it’s defining what that looks like for you. And I actually had this conversation with a colleague recently. It’s like trying to be the perfect mom, trying to be the perfect host, trying to get the perfect gifts. It’s just like at the end of the day, I think most people just want to be around the people that they love, doing things that they enjoy without having to stress too much about anything.

And I think how I usually frame holidays with my clients is what if your sole goal wasn’t to make sure the people around you are having a good time, but what does a good time look for you? And work backwards from that as opposed to letting everything and everybody else dictate what that’s going to look like, because you’re going to run into those friends, family members, or whomever you haven’t seen in a while, and you can’t avoid it.

But setting healthy boundaries ahead of time and being okay with that, that’s the kicker. Well, I would like to spend more time with this person because then it brings me energy. And I think that’s another useful tool and technique that I use with some of my clients as well. Who are the people around you that are going to bring you energy? And who are the people who are going to be the vampires? And same with the activities, too. What are the vampiric activities that you don’t want to do? What are the things that get you lit up? And do as many of those things as you can that energize you as much as it does the things that you don’t want to do.

[0:16:31] PF: And should you kind of write that down and figure out? Maybe list everything that you have going on and decide? Because some years it feels impossible to fit it all in.

[0:16:42] TM: Well, yeah. It’s a great point, Paula. And I think the brain tends to focus on the thing – I want to avoid pain first. I’m going to go – and especially with people who are, again, coming into the holidays, balls to the wall, and who haven’t slowed down, it’s like, “All right, I’m going to tackle the biggest problem first. And I’m only going to ruminate and fixate on how to either, again, do that fight or flight, where I’m going to either avoid that person completely. Or even if I have to be there, I’m actually going to have an enjoyable time for myself.”

And I think writing those things down so that you know exactly, again, what your ideal holiday is. Taking the time for yourself, giving yourself permission to walk away from things or engagements that you don’t necessarily enjoy. It’s imperative at this point. You got to protect your own energy.

[0:17:37] PF: I love that, because it makes our holidays so intentional. A lot of times we just feel like we’re caught up in this undertow, and we’re just moving along to get through it all. And I love that. That really gives us a fixed point of here’s what I want from it. Then you can really evaluate each activity of does this serve my end goal.

[0:17:56] TM: Absolutely. And I think to that point as well, a lot of people will try and manage another adult’s behaviors or their reactions. And it just becomes so overwhelming that people look forward to the holidays going too quick. And it’s like, “Man, if instead of I can’t change my environment, if I can reframe certain thoughts about certain things or people and how I’m going to behave proactively, then I think a lot of people –” well, a lot of our clients find that it’s really not as bad as the brain tends to catastrophize as things could be. And you’ll see much less avoidance for people who you may not necessarily want to have been around.

[0:18:44] PF: When we’re in the thick of it, how can we recognize that the signs of stress are escalating? Because that’s what happens, right? We get in it, it’s like that boiling frogs thing. And then, all of a sudden, you’re like, “I was fine yesterday. And now I’m about ready to get on top of the roof and just start picking people off.”

[0:19:03] TM: I know the feeling. Absolutely. It gets overwhelming. And I think at times, if we don’t take the time, sit back, analyze exactly what our situation is or the opportunities that we have, who we want to spend the time with, how we want to spend it, you’re just going to come back into that negative feedback loop where – and it’s really sad, because I’ll see this happen in family therapy. People won’t go home for Christmas or for whatever holiday. And then they’ll go years and years having this distant relationship only to find out the people that you thought hadn’t grown or changed have actually changed completely. So, it’s like missing out on all this. It’s like an opportunity cost for how we grew up when the holidays were what they were when we were a younger child. Even if it wasn’t as unpleasant, you’re still going to see this. It makes it easier for the brain to conceptualize behavioral patterns knowing that this is how my life was. This is how it’s going to be forever. But if you take a step back and really maybe have taken the time, go to family therapy, process some of the things that may keep rearing their heads up, it’s a proactive approach to, again, a situation where the brain wants to avoid pain.

[0:20:25] PF: Mm-hmm. That makes perfect sense. And there’s one more aspect of the holidays that I want to talk about, and those are the real heroes, the people who host the holiday gatherings. Because not only do they have all the things we’ve already talked about, now they have people coming in. There’s this added layer of pressure and expectation. Maybe your mother-in-law is coming in, and it’s like nothing you do is going to measure up. I’ve seen some really interesting meltdowns with people who are hosting. So, how do we manage those expectations so we can truly enjoy it and just not be by the end of the day, “I want these people out of my house now?”

[0:21:04] TM: Yeah, absolutely. And I think, one, if your nervous system is grounded, emotional chaos doesn’t affect you the same way. Period. And I think that really starts in giving yourself psychological permission to, one, say no. Obviously, if you’re hosting, you can’t leave early. But for those who do need to leave early, you can leave early. Take breaks. Not try and fix the room.

And I think the number one thing that we see in our industry is we try and change other people’s behaviors. As much as I’m talking about adults being able to shift into different behavioral patterns and thought cycles, some people don’t want to change. And it’s okay. The more that I see people try and change other people’s behaviors, the more frustrated they get themselves psychologically and the more stressed out they get. And again, it creates a negative association with the holidays that are supposed to be joyful.

So, finding that intention to – if somebody does engage with you, you don’t need to defend yourself. You don’t need to join in every conversation. I think clarifying your role in terms of where you sit in this family dynamic. Your job is not to manage the family system. You just have to relax, enjoy yourself. And I think that’s the biggest component to what I’d like to leave you with, is if your focus is, “I’m going to enjoy myself. And here’s how I enjoy myself.” Even if there are people out there or events out there that you don’t want to do, you don’t want to be around, the brain will start to look in that way of like, “I want to go towards positivity instead of avoiding pain.” And I think you’ll find that you’ll actually enjoy your holidays much better if you have that very clear definition for yourself, and how you want to act, and how you want to enjoy that for yourself.

[0:23:01] PF: That is such a fantastic parting shot. What great advice to leave our listeners with. And we’re going to tell them how they can find you, how they can learn more about the work that you’re doing. But Travis, I really thank you for sitting down and talking with us. And hopefully, we’ll help people get through these holidays with a little bit bigger smile on their face and breathing a little bit easier.

[0:23:23] TM: Thanks a lot, Paula. It’s been a pleasure.

[0:23:27] PF: That was Travis McNulty, talking with me about overcoming emotional overwhelm this holiday season. If you’d like to learn more about Travis or follow him online, just visit us at livehappy.com and click on this podcast episode.

That is all we have time for today. We’ll meet you back here again next week for an all-new episode. And until then, this is Paula Felps reminding you to make every day a happy one.

[END]

In this episode, you’ll learn:

Why holiday environments can trigger old emotional roles and stress responses.
Simple tools, such as exercise and diaphragmatic breathing, to calm the nervous system.
How setting boundaries and redefining expectations can make the holidays more enjoyable.

Visit the McNulty Counseling and Wellness website.

Follow McNulty Counseling on Social Media:

Instagram: @mcnultycounseling

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