Parenting in today’s world can feel emotionally overwhelming, to say the least. Busy schedules, stressful headlines, never-ending notifications, and everyday demands have many parents worried about whether they’re happy and calm enough to navigate stress without passing it on to their kids.
Unlike skills children learn independently through curiosity and exploration, child development experts say emotional regulation is learned through their connection with caregivers. This can put pressure on parents to feel that they always need to keep their cool, even in stressful times.
The good news is that raising calm kids doesn’t mean being perfectly calm all of the time. Instead, researchers say children learn resilience by seeing healthy emotional coping, repair, and recovery in action.
KIDS BORROW OUR CALM
Before kids can calm themselves down when upset, or talk through and identify their feelings, they rely on adults around them to help regulate their emotions. As Kira Wiley, author of The Joyful Child, explained on the Live Happy Now podcast, “Our child’s nervous system is wired to mirror our nervous system. Our calm is contagious, so is our chaos, so is our stress.”
Harvard Health experts refer to this as “co-regulation.” Lauren Marchette, a child, adolescent, and family psychologist and a lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, states, “At its heart, co-regulation is connecting with a child who’s in distress and being able to evaluate what that child needs in the moment to help calm themselves.”
As children grow, they become more independent emotionally, but they still look to trusted adults for cues on how to handle difficult moments. Emotional regulation isn’t something they can master on their own; they build it through thousands of small everyday interactions over time.
CALM DOESN’T MEAN PERFECT
Of course, no parent can stay calm at all times. Stress, frustration, impatience, and overwhelm are all a part of parenting (and being human). Emotional regulation isn’t about suppressing these emotions or pretending they don’t exist. This also doesn’t mean that children should be protected from stress, discomfort, or chaos.
What helps kids develop skills of emotional regulation is witnessing what healthy recovery looks like. It’s about learning that difficult feelings can be recognized, managed, and overcome.
Modeling emotional regulation can look surprisingly simple. It might mean naming feelings out loud by saying, “I’m feeling frustrated, so I’m going to take a deep breath.” These moments help kids learn that calm is not the absence of stress, but the ability to return to steadiness after a difficult feeling.
REALISTIC DAILY PRACTICES FOR EMOTIONAL REGULATION
The following practices from Kira’s book, The Joyful Child, will help you keep your cool; kids learn more from what you do than what you say. If you take a moment to recenter yourself and shift your mood into a better place, that’s a skill kids both witness and internalize for later in life. As Kira states, “Calming yourself first isn’t selfish, it’s strategic.”
Take a S-T-O-P Break
S = Stop. Literally just pause whatever you’re doing (and thinking about). This doesn’t mean you have to freeze — just take a brief moment to reset your attention.
T = Take a Breath. Take a slow, deep breath in through your nose, allowing your lungs to fill. Hold for a second or two, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Feel free to repeat this a couple of times. Focusing on your breath helps bring your awareness back to your body and the present moment.
O = Observe. With your next inhale, observe how you’re feeling. What’s going on inside your mind and body? Are you tense? Anxious about something? Calm? Notice any thoughts and emotions without judgment. You don’t need to fix anything right now — just acknowledge what’s present.
P = Proceed. After taking a moment to stop, breathe, and observe, carry on with what you were doing — hopefully with more grounded energy and a bit more clarity in your mind.
Connect, Then Direct
Many parents find that the most difficult struggles of the day happen during transitions — for example, transitioning from playing at home to getting in the car and going to school. A tool that parents can rely on during these moments to make transitions more joyful is something Kira calls “connect, then direct.” From The Joyful Child:
Slow down and make contact — Take your usual morning-rush-hour speed down a few notches and offer big hugs first, high fives when the teeth get brushed, lots of pats on the back. Look in your child’s eyes when you talk to them and listen when they talk to you. (It makes a huge difference here to minimize outside distractions and noise by turning off TVs and things that go beep).
Say less — Raise your hand if you’ve ever found yourself rushing around, shouting “OK, we’re going! Get your shoes on!” as you dash to grab something you forgot. You come back and the shoes are still not on. Now let me ask you, are YOU really ready to walk out the door? Probably not.
Connect, then direct — Slow down and connect with them first. Then you can say it once and mean it. Here’s how it works: Look your child in the eyes — when neither of you are doing anything else at the same time — and say, “In five minutes, it will be time to put your shoes on.” Then in five minutes say, “It’s time to put your shoes on.” Full stop. Give the instruction when it’s genuinely time to do the thing and when you’re actually ready yourself.
Use Music to Change the Vibe
Music can be a powerful tool to help with emotional regulation, for both kids and adults. Instead of trying to force feeling calm, Kira suggests using music to shift the tone.
“You can be the DJ of the vibe in your house. Use music as a tool to curate the vibe that you want, which I think is really an underestimated tool that people don’t think about using. If you want clean up to be a dance party, put on a fantastic song and start dancing and wiggling while you’re cleaning up. Your child’s going to join you.”
FOCUS ON CONNECTION
Connection is at the heart of all of these practices. Small moments, like a hug before leaving for school, a deep breath after frustration, or a playful song during clean up, can help kids (and adults!) feel grounded even when life feels chaotic.
Kira believes parents underestimate how much joy can be intermixed into everyday life. “We can weave more joy and connection into our daily routines very easily without extra time, special training, equipment, or anything else. Just simple, playful activities. It will make everyone calmer, happier, more regulated, more self-aware, and just make it a more joyful experience for everybody.”
