Relationships

In a world with more than 7 billion people, it’s hard to imagine that loneliness—a loss of connection from people and self—could be a problem. But new research indicates loneliness and social isolation may now be bigger health hazards than obesity or smoking, and the problem is likely to get worse. About 42.6 million U.S. adults over the age of 45 suffer from chronic loneliness, according to a 2010 AARP study. Jeremy Nobel, M.D., of the Harvard Medical School in the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine, points out that the problem isn’t about spending time alone, which can have mental health benefits. People can feel lonely in a crowd or even in a marriage. He defines loneliness as having a gap or a feeling that something is missing. It’s an “emotional connection that you desire that is not present to you,” Jeremy says. “And it turns out that discomfort is toxic at a neurophysiological level.” How did we get here? Jeremy believes increases in divisiveness and technological convenience are partially to blame. “One way I often describe it is that you might have 600 friends on Facebook,” Jeremy says, “but who is bringing you dinner if you are sick?” Keeping robust and meaningful social networks is crucial to maintaining health and happiness.” Lonely people are less likely to be involved in social events, have fewer friends and deep relationships and could even face an earlier death than their social counterparts. Jeremy says there is growing research that shows loneliness contributes to substance abuse, depression, anxiety, suicide, cancers and cardiovascular disease. Happy Connections, Happy Health Jude Marie Goudreau, a 50-year-old mother and grandmother from West Palm Beach, Florida, wasn’t going to let the fact that she was a single empty nester keep her from enjoying life. “I needed more people to interact with. I found myself home talking to the cat often and I realized that it was kind of a sad story,” she says. “I started a Meetup group hoping to meet people to do things with and to prevent other people from sitting at home talking to the cat.” Her Meetup group, Middle Age Fun, launched in August of 2017 and quickly grew to more than 80 members. She was shocked that so many people—ranging in age from 40 to 80—signed up for the group and said people seemed eager to mix and mingle. “So far, I have had the most success with coffee hours at Dunkin’ Donuts and brunches on Sunday mornings,” she says. “We have been doing card games and game nights, too.” Jude Marie says she believes an active mind is a healthy mind. She witnessed family members decline rapidly after retirement, an effect she attributes to inactivity. “If you are happy, then you are healthy and if you are healthy, you definitely live longer,” she says. “If you are home alone and don’t have any contact with other people, you feel rejected and sad.” Eric Kim, Ph.D., a research fellow in the Department of Social and Behavioral Sciences at Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, says social connections can help you bounce back from life’s curveballs. His research shows that social cohesion, even at the neighborhood level, is linked to better health outcomes and behaviors, especially with older adults. Those contacts can share very useful information, such as recommending a great physician. “They help you in very practical ways,” he says. “If you just had surgery, they can bring in the mail or groceries and even provide emotional support.” Relationships can also have negative effects, he points out, but if we have positive connections, it can go a long way to improving quality of life. The study "Interpersonal Mechanisms Linking Close Relationships to Health” finds that close relationships are crucial to health and well-being, as well as longevity. Social connections help buffer stress, lower cortisol and reduce risk of illness. Being socially connected can also help in areas of personal growth including finding love and intimacy. Digital Doldrums It’s not just older people who can fall victim to social isolation. A recent survey commissioned by online messaging business solutions provider LivePerson discovered that nearly 70 percent of young people would prefer to communicate digitally. Another study from the Center for Research on Health Care at the University of Pittsburgh says that people who spend at least two hours a day on social media are twice as likely to show signs of social isolation than those who only spend 30 minutes a day. Possible emotional triggers of jealousy and exclusion can be spurred by continuously looking at the carefully staged lives of others. Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D., a board certified cognitive behavioral clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Single and Happy, says that spending more time online reduces actual face time with other people. “When we feel tired and it’s freezing outside, it’s certainly much less effortful to lie on the couch and swipe through social media to catch up on the latest news, both in the world and in your personal circles,” she says. “That said, keeping up with people in this passive way takes a toll on our sense of connection. To feel close, we need to put in time, energy and courage.” Here are a few tips to connect with the world around you. Caring for Others: Eric Kim, Ph.D., notes that volunteering is an excellent way for people like recent retirees to meet new people and stay active. “Volunteering can actually have many health benefits, because we are engaging in healthier behaviors,” he says. “MRI studies show cognitive decline at a much lower pace.” Touch Over Tech: Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D., recommends using technology as a tool to make plans to meet up rather than replacing socialization. “If there’s an activity you’d find meaningful regardless of whether or not you meet good people, like a book club or volunteer group, that may be a great place to find someone with similar interests.” Self-Care: Jeremy Nobel, M.D., says sharing your story through creative expression can help you connect with yourself and other people. You can use the creative arts to find your mission, purpose and meaning. “What we are very confident about is that creative expression allows people to find, shape and share a personal narrative…a story about who they are and what matters to them.” Reconnect: “If you want more close friends but don’t know where to find them, take a couple of minutes and consider people you may have lost touch with who you can reach out to, or activities you love where you can [meet] people who share your passions,” Jennifer says. Listen to our podcast with Jennifer L. Taitz, Psy.D. here:

Ken Page, a psychotherapist and the author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy, has devoted his career to helping people fall in love—the deep, committed, mutual kind of love that lasts a lifetime. And he has come to a blunt realization: “We’re victims of terrible information. We’re told that the great secret to finding love is making yourself more desirable, more attractive. But, in reality, that’s painful and self sabotaging because you’re focusing on what’s not good enough about yourself and that leads you to date from a place of profound insecurity.” A far better alternative, Ken says, is making the search for love a mindful undertaking, one that begins with self-acceptance and moves forward with openness and authenticity. “When you change the way you behave on dates and learn to lead with your true self, your luck changes. Love is what happens when you share your deepest gifts with bravery and generosity.” Here’s how to apply the principles of mindfulness to the search for love: Set Your Intention Write a brief mission statement on why this journey matters to you, says Ken. A mission statement might include statements like, “I want a life of shared adventures” or “I want a sense of family in the world.” Juliet Kaska was in her mid-30s with a highly successful career as a Los Angeles Pilates instructor when she decided to take a dating sabbatical. She had had an active but unsatisfying romantic life with, she says, “a smorgasbord of men.” Through sessions with a therapist and daily meditation, Juliet explored whether she wanted to get married and what she was looking for in a husband. Juliet realized she wanted a mate who had, she says, “a successful life.” That meant, yes, an established career, but also hobbies, interests, friendships, a family life. Out went her on-again-off-again relationships with men who were fun but had no interest in settling down. Several months later, Juliet dove back into the dating world. Listen to our podcast with Ken Page here: It felt different this time. “Because I knew what I wanted; I wasn’t going into dates worried that what he wanted was someone younger or skinnier. The insecurity was lifted and that made dating light and fun and interesting.” In December 2013, Juliet met Simon, a movie producer who is originally from South Africa. “With Simon there was a connection that was otherworldly, and he was the kindest human being I’d ever met. I knew.” In June 2017, Juliet and Simon married in the coastal city of Durban, South Africa. “I’d gotten that internal voice that says you’re not good enough, you can’t get what you want, you don’t deserve it to finally pipe down,” Juliet says. When you’re ready to get started on your own love quest, Ken suggests this micro-meditation. Take two or three minutes to evoke a few of the people who have loved you the most. “They may be alive or not,” he says, “but they are still close to your heart and they would want the best for you, including a relationship that brings you happiness.” Visualize their faces as you imagine them offering words of encouragement. “Let their support infuse you,” Ken says. Stay in the Present When you’re eager for a committed relationship, it’s easy to become so focused on conjecture about a possible future with the person you’re dating that you undermine the chances of achieving a genuine connection. “That’s when your date turns into a job interview,” says Judith Sills, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of A Fine Romance: The Passage of Courtship from Meeting to Marriage. “Instead of trying to interrogate a prospective partner, let yourself experience him or her the way you experience your friends. You’re really just trying to have a lovely conversation where you can exchange ideas in an easy, relaxed way. It’s not about, ‘Should I rule you out as a lifetime companion?’” Forget, “What happened with your last marriage?” or “How many serious relationships have you had?” or “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Instead, opt for neutral, open-ended questions about, say, a recent vacation, a new running regimen or favorite local restaurants. These are questions that convey, “I’m interested in getting to know you. I’m not gathering information about your social status.” Staying in the present also means tolerating ambiguity, which is one of the challenges in the early stages of a romance, says psychologist Michelle Skeen, Psy.D., the author of Love Me, Don’t Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment & Building Lasting, Loving Relationships. “You can’t know where a relationship is going on the first or fifth date,” she says. “You might not even know whether he or she is dating other people, and that lack of certainty can be very uncomfortable.” To handle the uncertainty, try to relax into the present moment as much as you can. After all, says Michelle, projecting into the future can lead you to overlook vital information that’s right in front of you, such as whether the other person shares your values. Amy Bastianelli, a 31-year-old clinical social worker in Kennett Square, Pennsylvania, remembers a feeling of unease when she was dating her first husband. “I totally checklisted him,” she says, “from ‘Will he be a good provider?’ down to ‘Likes dogs.’ I’d read these studies that couples are most likely to be successful if they come from similar religious and socioeconomic backgrounds. That was true for us, and I wasn’t able to see beyond that to what was really important. Or, rather, I ignored my gut feeling that we weren’t aligned, that our relationship was completely and utterly devoid of any emotional or spiritual connection.” Try your best to put aside the spreadsheets and the crystal ball so you can tune into the vibe between you and the person with whom you’re sharing a cocktail, dinner or a hike. Pay attention to your feelings, Ken says. Do you feel pleasure? Warmth? Is there a sense of fun? Do you feel inspired? Unsafe? Criticized? Do you like who you are in the presence of this person? Does he or she bring out your best self? Be Your True, Vulnerable Self Many of us are striving to provide “perfectly sculpted responses” as we text, message or get together with new dates, Ken says. “But there’s got to be this feeling of essential comfort, and you won’t get to that if you’re trying to be polished and perfect.” That’s what Amy believed when she decided to try dating through the new MeetMindful app after her marriage collapsed. “I was determined to not filter myself, to not think about what I should and shouldn’t say,” she says. On her profile, she wrote that she was a single mom looking for intimacy, friendship and a deep spiritual connection. The night before her first date with Eric McKinley, a Philadelphia public defender, she texted him that she was nervous because she hadn’t been on a date in the nine years since she’d met her ex-husband. “That’s something I never would have shared with my ex,” Amy says. In fact, her first date with her ex-husband had been an uneasy one. “I remember thinking, ‘Should I order salad or a steak? What would each say about me?’ It was this ‘other-izing’ of myself, trying to see myself as he would see me.” With Eric, there was none of that. From the beginning, “I was not at all self-conscious,” she says. “I was completely comfortable around him.” The proof: on their first date, Amy ordered crab nachos and a beer. “That was what I wanted and I didn’t care what impression I made or how messy the nachos would be.” In late October, 10 months after they met, Amy and Eric wed in New Orleans before a small group of friends and family. “It keeps getting better,” she says of their relationship. Still, staying true to herself requires vigilance. “To this day, I will sometimes relapse. I need to be mindful of not trying to be who I think Eric wants me to be.” Take, for example, when he asks, “Do you want the charred Brussels sprouts?” and she says yes. “He’ll look at me and say, ‘Really? What’s going on with you?’ And he’s right. I don’t want the Brussels sprouts,” Amy laughs. “It’s a reminder that Eric fell in love with the real crab-nacho me, and that’s who I’m going to be.” Finally, Ken offers this tip: “When you’re feeling enthusiastic about someone, let yourself show it,” he says. “Once you make the choice that you’re only going to date people with whom you can be yourself, you protect yourself from jerks, you speed up the process and you give yourself permission to take pleasure in savoring the rich moments of connection.” Read more: 7 Keys to a Happy Relationship Shelley Levitt is an editor at large for Live Happy magazine.